Stillness in the land of complexity : finding peace within addiction ‘recovery’

I trust in stillness, it has a peace inside of it.. Someone contacted me last night via messenger, I had a very intense day coming to terms with this last failed attempt to get Scott ‘home’ and being pulled back into my sister’s issues again.. I had written about it and then felt conflicted about what I wrote, but the thing is when my sister connects pulling on me for help then goes silent after I offer to help it is crazy making, so I was trying to manage all of that, not really knowing what to do next but honor my commitment to get those things (items of clothing) dropped off which is hard to do anyway. At the moment I have to leave anything for her on a table outside the care home and even though the woman inside at the desk did see me drop it off she made no attempt to come out and get it, so I texted my sis and left it at that.

Anyway I then had Scott back in touch going on and on about the money for affadavits which I do not have so I cut that contact and made dinner, before this I actually had some moments of quiet sitting my lovely leafy tulip tree with Jasper reading… I made a meal after blocking the anxiety that seemed to be transmitting itself to me by even having one moment of contact with Scott and ate only then to get this message.

The person in question has a lot of trauma. They were restrained and abused by a parent as a young child while the other parent was emotionally absent. This has left them very trapped in the trauma zone. I get messages telling me about the latest crime drama or ‘cerebral cat and mouse thriller’ they are watching.. I am not into horror or terror but as my therapist has told me a lot of people traumatized or terrorized as children are.. Anyway the conversation then got onto Covid and how Australia extradited tennis player Djokovic due to its fear of protest, something that honestly even caused me to seize up a bit at the time, after all, if as a child you were repeatedly invaded by parents and siblings and not allowed to protest or stop it or set boundaries that is tough and then when protest is shut down it’s a trigger for our own trauma.. I noticed as we talked things turned more and more negative and angry and as soon as the conversation stopped my body went haywire energetically for about 40 minutes.. It was like I was combusting to the point I really wished I had not had any contact at all.

I know I pick up on things. I know I am an energy conductor and I also know where the traumatized mind can take us, the point is lately I do not want to live in the anxiety/trauma zone anymore. I am bloody well over it,.. I am also experiencing so so much sadness over the fact that I was so emotionally and developmentally arrested that I somehow sent all of my saving to someone hoping to be supported and together when really, all along, it was my job to support my health, life and emotional and physical safety and sanity..

Its too late to turn back the clock now.. All of the money given is gone. Scott swears its all being held by the military and I will be repaid as soon as he gets free but I am not prepared right now to send one more cent to him.. And if my brother knew I am sure he would go ballistic about it.. even if the money sent was mine and my right to use as I wish.

Anyway all I can say is today is a good day.. I slept in late and my body was all over the place between 6 and 7 am.. it took ages to get going but I ate by 10.30 and got out into nature with the magpies for half an hour or so, I then came home and cleaned out the car which was a job that badly needed doing, as well as continuing to clean out the garage which is also in a bit of a state.

At times I still fear I will die when my own issues get confabulated with someone who is struggling mentally like my sister. I am just lucky to have the support of those who know us both well and remind me its not healthy for me to continue to get too caught up in it, to the detriment of my own life. I even got a message from an old friend I had issues with giving me support and that felt good. She was the one who threatened to cut contact with me if I did not stop drinking in 1992. Even though that threat did not save me or stop me drinking (only meeting my ex husband gave me the desire to do that) and really caused me to regress and retreat into addiction fear and shame even more at the time I still can feel the impulse came out of love.. its why I reached out to her a few weeks back and she took a while to reply.

I just know I have to keep on trusting my recovery process. I want to get back to a couple of AA meetings and be more aware of sharing with those on a similar addiction recovery pathway, after all you guys are my ‘tribe’ and understand me better than those still actively drinking.. Not that that is a wrong or bad thing (drinking or taking drugs) its just those who do not use alcohol or drugs in that addictive way do not fully understand exactly how and why it becomes such a problem for us.. That is for us in recovery to understand, the last thing we need is to be judged and others who are sober recovery pathway will just not do it, as they know how cunning, baffling and powerful this dis-ease can be on all levels, mental, emotional, spiritually and physically.

22 thoughts on “Stillness in the land of complexity : finding peace within addiction ‘recovery’

      1. That’s wonderful, I’m so glad to know that. I’m good hun, in between had a writer’s block now trying to get back to writing ✍️ 😍

      2. Though that said Julia Cameron says it’s a good practice to write each day just stream of consciousness but that is different to when the creative daemon makes a visit and poems or prose just flow forth.

      3. I’m glad it did 🙂
        Certain things are hard to put into words, esp. for me as I’m not an English speaker. I’ve to think and think to write …

  1. I worked in Dubai as a single woman for many years than met my husband who was settled here in Connecticut hence moved. There are myriad accents in English my fav is Australian…:)

    1. Aww that’s great to hear. I’ve never been to America though I watch things set there and read so much about it. What year did you meet? What an adventure. Was it easy to make friends? So nice to know more of your life and story

      1. I met my husband in 2015, we met on a social site and talked for sometime over phone. I was in middle-East and he here in Connecticut. He came over to visit me and proposed the very same day. I took my time and said yes. I was impressed with him coming all the way to meet me….It indeed was an adventure, now when I look back.

      2. He appeared when I had given up on men, after many bitter experiences. I was actually planning a trip to Istanbul and Cyprus with my girlfriends to celebrate life long spinsterhood. He indeed is special for me it was very difficult to trust as I come from broken family. But as they life works in mysterious ways 🙂

      3. Thinking of it, I never wrote a poem on him! Men can bring about a sense of security both financial and physical but the process of healing is very personal esp. for us females. I carried my own emotional baggage, and with writing and motherhood, I tried to peel away the layers of pain. My husband is a typical male, if I tell him I’m in distress or share a childhood trauma, his solution would be let’s do a barbecue 🍖 🤪🤪 and have cold beer it will make you feel better.

      4. Lol not that is funny but that’s many males anyway its an inside job I guess….we do get hurt and you were brave to open up and try again I guess you love him as he us snd that’s great we all have differing approaches and nine so different as the ones between men and women. ❤

      5. Totally! Most men have three emotions; Horny, Hungry and Cranky. And we women have million emotions… as you said different languages!

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