Being mean : thoughts on boundaries

At times setting boundaries can feel mean to me, I grapple with the other person’s discomfort even though this is not my responsibility always. It took me a long time to detach from my sisters mental health struggles, often when we spoke, which in the later months was always me phoning to make sure she had spoken to someone that day and then trying to encourage her without violating her boundaries, I would cry silently, until the final time before she fell under again, where I spent the final 3 minutes crying and feeling like I was caught in an undertow.

Kat my therapist said this happened due to me feeling those feelings it was too painful for her to feel, but was it just that or sadness too about tough things that went down and her difficulty engaging emotionally? I do not know but pulling back felt healthier.

Today I had to set a boundary then I went through guilt about it, Melanie Beattie calls this ‘afterburn’ an uncomfortable feeling we get as co dependents trying to change old behaviour patterns. To counter balance this Jasper and I got out for a decent walk by the lake in partial rain. Getting my body moving helps lately and I see it counteracts my very airy tendency to over think and over analyse then form self punishing conclusions. Getting out of my head, out of my thoughts, into nature and the fresh air, what a blessed relief and things look different this afternoon.

I know I can be too impulsive at times in terms of acting on anxiety, then that leads me nowhere good, this is part of anxious attachment, the mere whiff I may be abandoned or abandoning comes not from the mature adult part but from my own or the other person’s inner child. It’s re-enacting my abandonment wounds sometimes by proxy. It’s getting easier not to get as swept under these days but I still have to be very mindful if where my head goes when I attempt to set boundaries. I need to do a lot of self care to cope with the difficult effects of ‘afterburn.’

Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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