At times if I allow myself to sink into my heart all I feel lately is ache and loneliness. I had an afternoon of pottering, tidying, ironing and cleaning.. It’s a gentle feeling to get my space manageable.. Good to be in my center but there is an ache for the ‘real’ life I long to be living and a sense of a schism between that and the hollowed out one of family I opted for in 2003 when Jonathan gave me the option to go back to the UK and I could not.
I know we make the choices we do.. I know its all been ‘meant to be’. If I can stay quiet here alone and close to my heart it feels more real in a way than even trying to connect with anyone any more.. I know I wont hear much from family and it is a sign, I am going to take it as a sign, that I have to find the way back to a newer, deeper, richer life or a realer life.
Perhaps the answer lies in creativity.. In nesting.. In keeping close to my heart which seems easier in solitude and offers blessings and potential when I do not negate the gentle gifts of this quieter life. Left to my own devices I read, listen to music, watch drama or comedy, do some writing though writing lately has seemed harder. I know the muse comes and goes like a winged bird which alights in my mind after a time of revelation, often after walks, but this week I have found getting out harder.. That said I know the month before our birthday is a low energy time.. I am about six weeks out from my birthday right now so it may be a time to lay low.
Sometimes lately there is a pregnant feeling.. I do not know if other people are feeling this too…..The truth of it is none of us know what the future holds and maybe the harder task is to live in the day making the best we can of these 24 hours as they unravel second by second.
In the silence I can touch base with the deep and that can be a source of rich comfort when the earlier morning feelings of isolation and separation from loved ones abates. Much that goes on inwardly can be hard to articulate but I feel a sense of love in this. .I prefer the afternoon and early evenings anyway to earlier in the day.. for now it enough just to be in my heart and feel it beating gently as I hear the odd car pass on by.. There is still a late afternoon walk with Jasper to be had too…today was not an easy day, I had felt tired but I was glad for the extra sleep earlier, surely it is a sign a part of me was comfortable letting go and not having to be as busy as I sometimes force myself to be when I find it hard just to slow down to the pace of gentle unhurried life.