Self esteem in later years has been touted as the be all and end all to good mental health and raising healthier children, but is it really, or in our focus on raising self esteem are we really teaching that the true basis of self worth, (which involves acceptance of the fact we cannot always be the biggest or ‘best’ someone) lies in becoming more outer directed and narcissistic rather than inwardly compassionate and empathetic to our own and other’s common humanity which involves a spectrum of all kinds of achievement and non achievement?
It’s a question I have been thinking about, now midway through Christine Neff’s book on self compassion. She explains how self esteem is often about feeling that our worth is based on measurable things or behaviour, rather than intrinsic sense not only of our own worthiness but of our limitations and foibles as well. If we think we need to perform in certain ways in order to raise our self esteem and be considered ‘worthy’, accepted or deserving we end up becoming quiet outwardly oriented, rather than a inwardly focused in sense of inward security. We can also become less compassionate.
In counter balance to this self compassion enables us to embrace the whole of our selves even when we may fail to reach goals or act in certain ways not associated with high self esteem. Self compassion enables us to embrace ourselves in the tough moments and surround ourselves in a blanket of care when we may feel sore or hurting.
The three foundations of self compassion, according to Neff are :
- Self kindness. A sense of being gentle with ourselves rather than harshly critical and judgemental. Finding ways to self soothe and tap into what Neff calls ‘the mammalian – system’. Doing this has been proven by research to raise oxytocin levels (the hormone of love and bonding) which also raises feelings of trust, calm, safety, generosity, and connectedness while helping us feel warmth and compassion for ourselves. In contrast habits of self-criticism have been shown to trigger the amygdala and raise our blood pressure, adrenaline and production of the stress hormone cortisol, in turn activating our fight flight brain. Self criticism also lights up different areas in our brain increasing our stress levels. Self kindness and self soothing is demonstrated by saying kind soothing things to ourselves in times of stress. This is really hard right now. I am with you. This will hurt for a while but in time the hurt will pass. It involves tuning in with awareness to how you are feeling or being triggered at that moment, what you are observing, what you are needing and what you require. When we are not being kind we ignore or dismiss these things maybe because that is what we learned to do as kids due to emotional abandonment, disconnection or neglect. Working to change inwardly critical self talk is also a huge part of this first component of self compassion.
- Recognition of our common human experience. So often in grief or depression a huge part of our suffering relates to the feeling that we are so deeply alone in this experience and so very far from human aid or care. This may on many levels be the truth of how it was for us as children in homes where there was not much emotional care or presence or if we are trapped in relationships with non empathic, abusive people. Post traumatic stress and complex PTSD can also make us feel so alone and terrified at the same time, terrified to reach out only to be hurt again. We may feel that unlike the rest of the world we are less than or not entitled to care, concern or belonging, when really the truth is that others also struggle with these same feelings as us and we are all worthy of care love and concern. Such feelings of isolation can then go along with the development of globally negative views about humanity and the state of things. While it is true that there is so much suffering in the world, the truth is that there is care and kindness too. However part of a deeply depressive non self compassionate mindset is that we are alone in this, we keep our focus only on the negative as well as those things that hurt, we fail to trust and reach out and understand our interconnectedness and in this state of mind our focus on bad feelings grows. On the other hand when we realise we are part of a wider humanity in which suffering is an intrinsic part of life we develop more radical acceptance and are more likely to take steps to improve things at the same time as being fully aware of the global nature of suffering. In reaching out to share or care we move past our disconnection or deep feelings of not belonging.
- Mindfulness In self compassion practice mindfulness refers to the clear seeing and non-judgemental acceptance of what occurs in the present moment, including our so called ‘negative’ or difficult states of mind and being. To give ourselves compassion we have to notice that we are suffering rather than be reacting to our suffering by distancing and dissociating (all of which we cannot notice when we are not being mindful). “We often fail to recognise feelings of guilt, defectiveness, sadness, loneliness, and so on, as moments of suffering that can be responded to with compassion….When your boss calls you into his office and tells you that your job performance is below par, is your first instinct to comfort yourself?… probably not.” Being conditioned to ignore our pain, according to Neff means that we are physiologically programmed to avoid it. “Because of our tendency to turn away from pain, it can become extremely difficult to turn toward our pain, to hold it, to be with it as it is. ” When we do this we shut ourselves off from our true emotions and we also lose our ability to learn at a deeper level about the deeper nature of our experience and reactions. In mindfulness we develop the ability to turn toward our pain, suffering or other bodily sensations becoming aware of them while not exaggerating them. For example, we can become aware when an emotion such as anger is occurring for us by noticing we are clenching our jaw, feeling heat rise in our body, feeling a desire to lash out. In her book Neff gives the example of a man who endured long term emotional abandonment by his mother. His therapy involved becoming aware of his acceptable anger without lashing out or acting it out in rage on his mother. With the use of mindfulness as well as the loving presence of his therapist he was able to feel and understand the basis of his anger and become attentive to what it was saying. He was also in time able to see how his mother’s abandonment was not necessarily associated with a lack of love for him but was due to her doing what she thought was necessary. He was able to share his real feelings with his mum in such a way that he expressed them, rather than depressed them and they were heard. Mindfulness was central to this process. “We are healed from suffering only by experiencing it to the full.” (Marcel Proust, quoted on P. 118 of Self Compassion)
Mindful ways of working with pain are shared in detail in chapter 5 of Christine Neff’s book, which I highly recommend, she also goes in to more detail about the two other basics of self compassion I have shared in this post. I have been using a lot of the self compassion practices myself lately, I used them today when I went for my yearly breast cancer follow up screen check and I was able to calm myself when the therapist left the room for a long tme leaving me alone after telling me I may have a cyst in my breast.
I do believe that self compassion in my own case is far more important to me than high self esteem. Self compassion gives me a way to be with what is occurring in love and acceptance. It helps me understand myself and others better. It is a practice I am very grateful to have found. It is a practice I want to share more about in upcoming posts.
Self compassion helps us to understand that we are lovable as we are, even if we don’t achieve big things, it teaches us that its okay not to be perfect, to mess up and make mistakes. It isn’t an excuse for bad behaviour but it is a way of allowing ourselves to soften and go more gently not only with ourselves but also with our fellow humans as we recognise how much we all struggle in the earthly sphere of life where there is often suffering and things are far from ideal and perfect. It can also encourage to keep growing and be kind in that process rather than self punishing.
Emerging From The Dark Night 