Just a few thoughts after a painful though healing session at therapy today.
The happy family I long for never really existed. My longing for it probably wont ever go away. It is natural that I carry grief around this and it can be triggered again in the present time. I have also had experiences of being sent out to the periphery of things more times than I care to remember, so it is natural that I fear getting close to others. Despite this I know there are people out there who are sensitive and kind and would not choose to hurt me but at times they may hurt me with things they do. That is part of the struggle of being human. When they do, even if it hurts its up to me to treat the wound tenderly and good to look for help with this if I am struggling. This isn’t a sign of weakness, it is a sign of self care.
Its okay and understandable that I have the feelings I do. They are not a sign of something ‘bad’ or ‘wrong’ with me. All feelings make sense. It is understandable that I would carry a fear of being judged as ‘mad’ or ‘bi polar’ for having intense reactions to things. The intensity of my reaction would all make sense if you truly knew my history and looked deep inside my heart. Its often likely that you cannot or will not unless you have struggled as I have and felt deeply too. (I know there are a lot of you out there like me by the way.)
Its natural that having lacked an emotionally connected and loving present background I find it hard to connect at times and validate and be present to my own deep emotions. A symptom of disconnection will be some kind of disconnection or dissociation in me. If I have the wound it may be highly likely that I attract other who dissociate and if they aren’t connected to their own feelings they wont be able to understand or connect with mine. This is a pattern that I will need to do a lot of work on, learning to hold and contain lovingly the part of me that feels hurting or wounded without lashing out and making things worse. If I feel the need to say I have been hurt I can do so in a loving and non violent way.
When I go through hard things that hurt its okay if I feel upset, fearful, angry, sad, bitter or disappointed. I can acknowledge these feelings are natural and I don’t have to make them worse. I may choose to make some philosophical sense of them but that does not mean the pain no longer exists. If I feel it and honour it, my experience is that the pain will lessen but I may always carry a wound.
If I had disordered attachment or bonding experiences in childhood I am not wired in the same way as those of you who did. I can try to mend this in therapy or with others but there will always be scars. I can be kind and loving to myself in the midst of this. It doesn’t mean I am full of self pity. It means I am trying so hard to make a better present out of a painful past.
Emerging From The Dark Night 