Deep, deep pain

I am very deep pain this morning.  I was so angry yesterday with an anger that frightened me.  I think of how my heart started to burn and I wanted to slam shut the door to my heart when I heard the words from my friend that she was going to stand me up after sending me a text 20 minutes earlier saying she was on the way to my house via the petrol station.   I had spent 1 and a half hours getting the house ready, assembling the morning tea I went to a lot of trouble to get on a very busy day the day before.  I had, had some kind of intuition earlier in the week I should cancel the arrangement.  This is a friend who consistently turns up late, there is always an excuse, often I offer to meet her over her side of town and turn up on time, while I get left waiting every single time she has only had to travel 5 minute to be there.   I chose not to because I love and value this friend and really longed to see her before Christmas.

I am sure it is nothing personal.  It is just the way my friend operates but this kind of thing triggers all the shit/pain/angst from my childhood, being left waiting or my needs ignored for long periods, left alone, suffering injuries due to parental misattention, absence or neglect.  It burns and burns and burns me and I just saw red yesterday when she told me she was blowing me off for another commitment related to work which was actually optional.

I took the risk of expressing how I felt in a text message.  This morning I wish I hadn’t done it.   I wish I just shut the fuck up.  Now even my therapist will not talk with me on the phone as my body was in such distress for most of yesterday I was calling other people and missing her contact every single time and by the time she tried to call me my body was in an agony of twisted abandonment meltdown and I was so angry last night I just lost it on the phone and I have been told now that talking on the phone is not helpful because when I= was actually in meltdown she ould not hold me through adequately in the midst of the deep deep pain I was in.  I truly feel abandoned by her now and have told her so but she will not call me.  It fucking hurts but I will survive.  Fucking therapists can only take you so far, in the end they end up abandoning you like everyone else.  Sorry I need to say it.  I am fucking angry really fucking angry.

I know that on one level I just need to surrender now.  I may have to travel on alone.  I don’t know that I can pursue therapy any more.  I have such deep pain over my parents not being there for me in any consistent way I see that it is fucking up my life and relationships or has in the past.   Now I seem to have maybe one friend here and no therapist apart from another therapist I have seen in the past who I know will be there for me.

Its so hard to know how to deal with the pain and so I am calling out to my supporters out there for your support.  How did you deal with a similar situation if you ever met one out there?   Do you find that in the end blogging is enough?  I really need some valuable feedback not from a therapist who has not lived the pain but from those of you who do.

Post script.  Maybe in the end there is no one we can trust with the deep deep pain.  Maybe we just need to go on alone.  Maybe in the end all humans abandon us because that is what they do.  Maybe as we approach the Leo moon I need to stand alone, knowing the power I do have and the strength I do have within me.  Its fucking hard to swallow but maybe that’s what growing to emotional adult maturity means in the end.

Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

Categories Abandoment Trauma, Anger, Therapy, Understanding Triggers and Flashbacks15 Comments

15 thoughts on “Deep, deep pain”

  1. This sounds so rough EFTDN. Especially the combined abandonment.

    As to similar experience, I have to admit I shy away from friends when I’m hurting. But a friend who is as inconsiderate as the one you describe seems maybe more bother than she’s worth. I do have a history of trashing relationships when I get angry and have wanted not to do that anymore. However, it’s still important to express how you feel and to set boundaries. It’s very hard to figure out when triggered and it seems overwhelmingly awful though. Do you still wish to continue the friendship, maybe after a few weeks off?

    As to therapists. I don’t know. Sometimes I think they cannot help all the time. They can help sometimes, but other times they just fall down. I’ve never tried contacting my T in the middle of a meltdown and am not sure if talking to him would help me. Our contacts are carefully arranged ahead of time, even just ten minutes on the phone is a planned call. I can see the value of this actually, as I never catch him off guard and he’s always professional. I hate how your therapist is not calling you back and kind of shaming you for your feelings. I think that says more about her limits than anything much about you.

    Sometimes I’ve felt better emailing my T my feelings.

    No, blogging is not enough. But it’s something. The effort of putting down my story again and again helps me to process it.

    Sometimes you just have to survive, one breath at a time. You will feel better again.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ellen thank you so much I really feel she failed me badly yesterday and rather than say sorry I stuffed up she has reverted behind her professional bs. I am fucking over it to be honest. They take money from you, the one who went through all the shit and in the end fail you when it all gets too hard. That’s my no shit rose coloured glasses take on it. I really appreciate your reply. Thank you so much.


      1. And it takes a lot for me to toss a friend out In another part of my mind I have some kind of weird compassion for her but I feel her values stink. She may value her work over me a friend who has a lot of pain and need at times and may be too much to be with. that’s where my mind goes in a deep dark place,


      2. I do understand your anger EFDN. And I totally relate to the impulse to cut off relationships that trigger this kind of pain. My opinion though, in regards to your T, is that you go in and talk about it. Take that risk and get angry in person. And express how abandoned you feel. By just ditching therapy, you are acting out instead of feeling IMO. It may seem ‘nicer’ to do that, but you might be perpetuating a pattern where you cut and run. Anyway, I understand this is not what you wish to do and of course you are the expert on your own experience. Just if you can tolerate the feelings, you may be able to move through them by speaking about them. Maybe your T also has thoughts that you don’t know about, that she can share with you. One or two more sessions is not a huge amount when weighed against the investment you’ve already made in therapy. Therapy is not necessarily cuddles and kittens, and you can feel negatively about your T for a while and still show up and profit from it, provided you keep discussing how you feel. Everyone has a dark side, you, me and therapists, and it is hard to work with that.

        My two cents. Take care.


  2. I know what you mean… That fear that everyone will abandon you in the end. And most people prove us right. I’m sorry about all this pain you’re experiencing. I’m sending you hugs, love and support.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks so much Rayne. I have really lost faith in therapy, something about it just isn’t right. I cannot conceive of why when a client asks to be called or for support she is told a stark “No”. I cannot go on with her, I really cant. Thanks for sending the love and support, wishing you the same xo

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I can understand why you feel that way. It doesn’t seem right. I don’t usually call my therapist when I need support, because like she says, I’m really good at holding myself. But she won’t/and doesn’t get angry if I reach out to her. I hope you feel better soon. ❤


  3. I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way, your hurt comes though in every line of this post. I think that we get caught up in emotional circles sometimes with friends – they do/say something we don’t like but we don’t call them out because they are our friend and we don’t want to upset them. By not saying anything we don’t give them the opportunity to explain or apologise and, at the same time, we are giving them permission to carry on doing whatever it is that they do that pisses us off. This goes on and on and the resentment grows until we explode; the friend doesn’t understand and we beat ourselves up which leads to guilt and more anger. If someone hurts us over and over, at some point we will start to expect them to hurt us, we will look for it and, sometimes, subconsciously we will create a situation in which we will be hurt once again. I know that I’ve done this many times and it’s a very difficult cycle to break because rebuilding trust is the only thing that will repair the relationship and learning to trust someone again who has hurt us in the past leaves us feeling very vulnerable.
    I don’t know your friend but do you think that she deliberately hurt you? Were her actions malicious or is she simply one of those people who just can’t get their schedule organised? Does the hurt overwhelm the pleasure that you have had from your relationship with her?
    With regard to therapists – tricky – therapy, to some extent, is talking about your problems until you work out a solution and sometimes constantly talking about a problem will just exacerbate it; give it more significance if you will. However, a really good therapist can help you to unravel the emotional spaghetti that prevents you from being able to really enjoy life.
    I saw therapists for about 15 years – some helped and some didn’t but what turned things around for me was a doctor telling me that I would need to take stronger medication. He used the words ‘clinical depression’ and, for some reason, I just thought ‘I don’t want to be this person’, someone who relies on pills and psychiatrists for the rest of their lives. My life turned around after that and I didn’t see another therapist until my husband died; she helped me to understand the grief and the feelings of guilt that go with it until I was strong enough to continue on without her.
    If you don’t feel that your current therapy is working for you, find another therapist or try acupuncture (in my experience this can be hugely beneficial in releasing negative emotion) but please don’t give up on yourself or on others. You strike me as being a very intelligent, kind and compassionate person who has a lot of love to give. xxx


    1. I did stay with my therapist. And my friend didn’t mean harm but the way she kept turning up late ended up causing me too much stress so I don’t see her much any more. It was a good decision for me. I still speak to her from time to time. I worked it through, what she did was a massive trigger for what my parents used to do to me, so in a way she was just a catalyst but this experience though painful taught me a lot about my true needs feelings and boundaries and the cost of honouring or not honouring them. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

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