The raw and painful pit of desire and hurt we must face and release

I was reading a magnificent blog on the Scorpio New Moon yesterday.

Scorpio New Moon

The Scorpio time of year relates very much to wanting and desire, most especially the desires to be deeply connected with others at an emotional level, with our heart and needs cared and attended to.  If we have solid childhood in which bonding and attachment happens without too much trauma its much easier for us to bond with others, from childhood onwards.  But if we have been traumatised in this, wanting and needing becomes fraught with all kinds of complications and pain for us.  If we have been hurt we may be dogged by that hurt and if our longing for love, to be connected, seen and made to feel that we have worth, value and matter to others was tied up with inconsistencies then when we seek to love again there is a deep reservation inside, which dogs us.

I have also been thinking lately how much our longing to love and be loved, makes us turn a blind eye to what hurt us in the past.  We may even have some kind of investment in denying or minimising it, if the only way to get some of our needs met is to turn back to inconsistent sources of support.  And it seems to me that then, just when we start to get close all the pain comes back and rears its head again and may even threaten our new found connections.

Scorpio also deals with the issue of letting go for hopes of connections and even of some of our deepest desires if they prove to be consistently frustrated or problematic.  I most certainly relate to this with my Neptune in Scorpio squaring nearly all of my personal planets, Sun (sense of identity and self), Moon (feelings and emotions), Mars (personal desires and assertive energy), Mercury (perception, communication and ways of making sense) and Venus (desire for relationship, a sense of value and connection).

From a very early age loss dogged my connections.  My grandfather died of cancer in the first year of my life.  I was taken as a baby to the hospital and sat on his bed all throughout the final stages of his life.   When he died my entire family was mourning and an astrologer told me I absorbed that sadness when small. At the age of 3 my older sister who was like surrogate mother left Australia for  another country.  I missed her so much.

My mother eventually started working 6 days a week and was never home after school or on Saturdays, my other sister and I were left to fend for ourselves and often things went wrong.  I had accidents later from being left alone at home after school after my older sister was no longer home either, she also left to get married.

I then had my major accident at 17 and was removed from school and missed graduation.  A few months later my older sister had her cerebral bleed and then a few years later my father died. Add to that all the relationships with men that ended in loss and the terminations of pregnancy.  Well it was just a shit load of loss for a person to go through.

This week I have actually had a week of connection.  It was my mother’s birthday on Tuesday and we went to a celebratory lunch, but painful feelings always come up when I connect or attend functions with her and my other sister.  There is a history of them not being there.  I also know that its not entirely bad, there are times they have tried to be there but just not been able and there have been times when I have had to push them away as they have not been capable of connecting with me emotionally.

I know their own connection to their deeper emotions and self have also been dogged with loss and sometimes expecting someone who is dogged by their own loss and issues to be there for you in the midst of yours is just too much.  I see where being stuck in wounded child I have at times been stuck in blame towards them.  And I also know how hard it was to be the youngest child in a family dogged by so much trauma.

In the blog on Scorpio by Gray Crawford which I have linked to above he associates the first 10 degree of Scorpio with the Tarot Card the 5 of cups.

fiveofcups

In this image a figure stands in the middle of a field in front of him are three cups that have fallen over and emptied their contents, behind him are two cups which stand on the ground full.  In the image the sad figure has his head turned downwards towards the three fallen cups, he is oblivious to the cups behind him which still stand and have something to offer him.

I have been thinking of this image a lot over the past 24 hours in terms of the loss we suffer or the deep pain we can feel at this most intense inward time of the year.  Loss brings all our attention in focus on what is missing, on what has been lost or taken.  And often when what has been lost is significant it is only right that our attention is focused on these things so that we can grieve and resolve issues.  Some issues won’t ever be resolved though but the 5 of cups images shows us that behind us, obscured from view gifts and promises still do remain, even after the darkest times.  Its just that we cannot se them or feel them when our losses consume us so intensely.

Commenting on this image and its appropriateness to the month of the year which this New Moon covers, Gray explains that many of us are currently trucking with the thorny nature of our desires.  Many of us are dealing with deeply painful experiences that may have occurred to us due to our connection with others, who may have deeply betrayed us or caused us pain in someway.    We are feeling the consequences and reaching deeper understandings as a result of feeling our pain, of what it is that wounds and what it is that heals.  As  result of expressing our deep pain or frustrations we may be finding others who can hear this deep, raw, dark place that so badly needs to have healing light and air shed upon it.

The planet Pluto rules Scorpio, and it is Pluto which makes us deal with the deep and dark side of life and relationships.  Pluto demands that we make an underworld journey to find and re-embrace our authenticity as well as deeper, darker more painfully complex emotions such as longing, anger, frustrated need and intense, at times compulsive or obsessive desires linked to earlier betrayals or losses.  Its a deep complex pit we face in Scorpio/Pluto

If our authentic needs have been betrayed in some way there may be deeply painful and confronting things we need to face and express to others during Scorpio time.  Many may not get us or like it but many will.  And the gift of being true to ourselves and honestly communicating will involve facing fears and walking forward anyway into the light that is waiting for us on the other side of the deep pit of loss that Scorpio makes us face

And in the midst of our loss which takes us deep into the pit we will also be challenged to find ways to let go, so that our loss no longer consumes us from within.  Scorpio and Pluto show us that letting go is the result of a process in which we face our pain and then surrender it, perhaps even realising it had a larger purpose.  In time our pain will teach us essential lessons around what heals and what hurts, what has value and what has not.  What we wish to own and keep and what we wish to let go and discard.  Facing our pain and frustrated desires will also help us to make better choices in the future. And perhaps one day we can finally turn our gaze around to see the two cups that stand behind us offering us new potentials and connections in present time, life and love.

The lesson we experience in Scorpio is in letting go and having a healthy level of non-attachment with our desires. This does not mean being detached, but rather embodying the intimacy of Scorpio without the fixated obsession of manipulating the object of one’s desires.

Gray Crawford

2 thoughts on “The raw and painful pit of desire and hurt we must face and release

    1. I hope so but I think it is a case of me turning toward them..i was working through something with this post as it usually do..trying to see my own need to let go. My feelings seem to pass more quickly now the sadnesses dont last as long..and much of the anger has gone but last night it came up in a dream which shows feelings often simmer below even when we feel they have been fully resolved ♡

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