Today I am sitting absorbing the warm healing rays of the Sun. Its befitting of the current transit with the Sun in the fire sign of Leo, but the sun is still transiting through my 12th house and I am aware that my own natal Sun in Aquarius square to natal Neptune in the third house is often obscured by mist and fog or drowned by water, a heavy weight of repressed feelings that I have been working over years to bring to light.
The Sun is really our heart centre, it is the place where we should be able to feel the warmth of our own individual spirit lighting our way. It is the place where, when it is shining forward and projecting its golden light into life we feel the joy of self expression and playfulness. Of course we have Moon sign and there is a dynamic between Sun and Moon but in the case of the Sun it is really aspects to our natal Mars which help or hinder the Sun’s expression.
My own Mars is heavily afflicted along with my Moon. I’ve shared a lot about my particular Mars struggles in other blogs. But today it is that image and experience of the Sun and particularly the Sun in Leo which is speaking to me. For am seeing that when I get caught up in the anguish that comes from the pain of thwarted self expression I am not really free to live the energy of my North Node in Leo, nor the joy of the Leo ascendant which really needs to be able to express itself in an individual or unique way. I know I do achieve some of that expression in my blog. I get in trouble for it in a family where Saturn aspects block me from the third house of communication where they hit my personal chart.
My Sun Venus Mercury Jupiter and South Node in Aquarius in my seventh house expresses an inner compulsion to do the best things for the collective, to stand by and support in my relationships and to try to bring the light, but I am seeing that what I have been asked to support in the past doesn’t always come from a healthy place and my own misplaced obligation and commitment to ‘doing the right thing’ and being super responsible, rather than following my heart (indicated by the North Node in Leo in the first house) has caused me to feel a deep inward anger and resentment.
Its interesting to me that in astrological symbolism it is the planetary ruler of Aquarius, Uranus who after stealing fire from the Gods, ends up chained to a rock with his liver being eaten out by a vulture. I think that is a very powerful image of resentment. In the end the wounded healer, Chiron frees Uranus by taking his place. There must be a very p0werful lesson here about how we deal with the Uranian wound which can come from overstepping the bounds of personal need to the point where it becomes toxic, we loose our own psychic centre and our joy. With Neptune configured with my Aquarian Sun I also know that the need to make sacrifices also wounds the expression of the creative fire show in the Leo North Node and Ascendant that just needs to be free to dance and express, free of collective obligations.
I am feeling the message of the Sun today is saying to me this : Debs leave all that heaviness behind for a time, its a collective burden and its blocking your joy. I am also questioning why I have to remain caught up in such resentment about things that are now passing away, am I blocking my own expression and happiness on some level? Does the Neptune square show that sometimes I act in a masochistic way rather than choose freedom for myself?
Last night I had a dream. There was a family banquet and I had to do a lot of the serving, there were flowers to put into vases, and meals to take out and plates to clear. At one point someone came in and complained I hadn’t done something and in the dream I just hit the roof. I was trying to explain how overtaxed I was and I just screamed at them, ‘why don’t you help or get it yourself’. I know this dream relates to the situation in my family where over four years I was there throughout four of my sister’s hospitalisations for depression and witness to some fairly savage behaviour on the part of relatives as well as throughout four hospitalisations of my mother. When it came time for me to need help recently following breast cancer neither of them were there for me in any significant way.
When I brought all this up the other day I was accused of being hurtful and was accused of holding a grudge. My sister stormed out, she didn’t have to listen to this, she said, it was unfair.
Maybe I set myself up for all this by giving care where it wasn’t really truly ever really appreciated. Today I am exhausted. I cannot give any more and its clear to me I have been a victim of co-dependence and living with some very powerful Neptunian illusions.
Today the Leo sun is saying to me, free yourself from all this pain. Live your light. Find out what brings you joy, embrace that. Think about yourself. Let yourself dance, let yourself play. Be a child. Get angry about it. Its okay to be angry. if that is how you feel. If they can’t validate that you can and will survive, but don’t let their selfishness and self centredness hurt you anymore. Don’t give another ounce of your energy to help. Its for you now, darling. It truly is. It is truly necessary to love and care for yourself.
In a day or so transiting Sun will clear the square to my natal Neptune in the third house and in a few days it will pass over the ascendant (following Mercury and Venus now both in the first house).
The deep karmic tie to my mother and sister is that both have Saturn in Scorpio smack bang on my natal Neptune. They are blocked in their ability to tap deep emotions. They keep up strong defences and rarely own their own part, they suffer from a psychic blockage and blindness of sorts. To them I represent the deluge of deep feeling that they fear would over power them and so they must erect defences against my feelings. They need to make me bad, to make me wrong in order for their egos to survive but I know deep inside that I am not bad. I am not wrong. I am brave truthful and strong and as long as I live I will no longer be held hostage to them and what I feel I will speak. For the price of submission and silence and towing the line is too high. It is death to my spirit. And I will not die yet.
In strange way this latest pain has really freed me. And its up to me not to stay trapped in resentment over the things and people I was always powerless over and cannot change, but that doesn’t mean I have to forgive either. I just have to live my life as I need to live it.