An end of running

I think for so many years, I ran

because deep inside it felt as though

there was nowhere to be held

no where to feel safe

a safe harbour

from the tumultuous churning seas

around me

so often I see there has been

only this restless running

today when I sat with you

while they gave you the diagnosis

with deep compassion in their eyes

nodula carcinoma

I realise there is nowhere to run to

and neither do I want to

I only want to be here

close by your side

I want to love you and give you all that I have

in my heart

no more defences

we need a place to rest

I know how tired you are

so how will you cope

with this cutting

you have already been told to swallow poison

hoping it will cure

an invisible malaise

they don’t truly understand

is this your body’s silent rebellion?

I sense my powerlessness

and your fear for a time

becomes my fear

this is not happening to me

so why do I feel it so deeply?

It was hard to leave you this afternoon

it felt as if there was only peace and safety

in this togetherness

and out there a raging sea

that might swallow me whole

tears fall as I leave

and I drive the short distance home

where my puppy’s soft downy fur

is my first greeting

the soothing he gives

worth more than any other gift

there is here

the falling leaves

the gentle breeze

afternoon’s soft light

and peace

beyond all the thoughts and fears

and I realise I have found

my safe harbour

 built over these long and painful years

of feeing my true feelings

and now

there can be an end of running