My spiritual connection

Where do you feel your spiritual connection?  Do you have a sense of yourself as a soul going on a journey in this life and a sense too of your deeper essence which lives and breathes and beats within you outside of all the myriad distractions and connections of this life?

I am asking this question at present because I am going through a time of realising where and when I feel most deeply connected, the thoughts that I can have that cloud that connection for me and the distractions too.  I am also trying to get a deeper sense of a longing and loneliness I can feel at times and how often I feel that feeling when around certain people in the outer world.  There is a sense of a part of me that is untouched by their concerns on the superficial level and then there is a sense that when I sense someone is suffering something under the front I am deeply connected to that.

I find my spiritual connection in peace and silence, when I am free to just be.  When I get too caught up in doing I can loose my connection.  I can get distracted by temporary things that seem to glitter in the world when I am not more deeply connected.   At the same time some of the things I get attracted too, themselves feel full of spirit for me, a special book, a plant or a flower, a landscape, a dog, even a person at times.  I am beginning to feel that I feel best when I have the time just to ‘be’ to float freely and not become too caught up in cares, worries and concerns of which there have been a lot in my family.

I guess I am realising that what I am now seeking a freedom from in my life is an enmeshment in the troubles of others.  Several years ago my sister’s attempted suicide rocked me to the core.  I was aware that she was in deep pain, that her erratic highs and numbing lows spoke of a wound in her that lay deep beneath the persona that began to grow around her as a young teenager.   When I look at photos of her I see how her face changed and the darkness that had descended.  As a younger sister I was much aware of that.

I was in 12 step recovery programme at the time for families of alcoholics.  I would not say that my sister was alcoholic but we do have the history of alcoholism in our family and also a tendency towards busyness and a tendency to go to extremes.  In this condition there can be an externalisation of a spiritual desire onto a concrete object which does not allow the true spirit or emotion to flow but blocks or diverts it.  Does this make sense?  Its coming from writing from deep within a flow within me at present.

My 12 step programmes focuses on the need we have in recovery to connect to our Higher Power.  To me that power isn’t higher or lower, I see these words of coming out of our modernist split.  The power is within but not at an ego level or level of appearances.  In early recovery I connected to my depth in nature, under the arbour of just such a tree as is the headline image on this blog.

It seems to me lately that is becoming more important for me on any day to connect to nature and then to connect to the stillness of just being with myself and letting my breath flow.  I can get caught up in many memories and pains and fears about the past.  These then capture me.  Also I have the growing need to keep my life simple.

I look around my house in amazement at the things I have accumulated in four years.  I moved into a house then after 7 years of being homeless, everything I owned was in storage for this period.  Actually it is interesting to me at the time Saturn entered my second house I began to bring things out of storage and accumulate things, to build a home, a cocoon and a sanctuary.   Now that Saturn is passing into the fourth house I see what I have accumulated and the way in which I need to cut back from this overextension.

I am also more and more aware of family themes to do with Sagittarius on the cusp of my fourth house.  The history of migration, of my father’s quest to build and then the knocks that occurred as this building process ran away from itself, my eldest sister had stroke and things began to collapse.

As a teenager I was caught up in all the drama that was unfolding around me, but I was also a witness to some very painful things, while struggling myself in less than loving relationships.  With the benefit of hindsight I can look back and see how the oceanic events dragged me in with a deep collective, tidal pull.  Neptune in Scorpio in my 3rd house squares all my personal planets as well as my ascendant and North Node in Leo.

Many years later, in sobriety, in coming to consciousness I was pulled back almost into a frozen state. Several attempts I made to pull away ended in traumatic injury which left powerful Imprints on my body.  Sobriety showed me life was a spiritual journey more than just a material thing, that something was being asked of me in terms of coming to awareness and yet I was not impervious to the questions of those around me.  What are you doing with your life?  Why all of this introspection?  What are you going to build?  How are you going to move forward?  Why are you affected so much?  Why are you so emotional?  (this later one not always a question from them but a shown in a strange expression when I was deeply feeling something.)

I now know that I felt everything very deeply but there was little place to go to sort the tangle out and understand my emotions.  I would have to learn by acting them out and making many mistakes in order to grow in understanding.  Like a confused small child, I also looked towards others.  I had a deficit in mothering and fathering that made me vulnerable in this way.  I did not learn to trust myself and my body as I was not shown that by people around me.  Recovery and sobriety has been all about his journey for me.

It seems to me that this journey to be in touch with who I am as a spirit in matter has been a long one and is one  in which I must learn to trust myself and sort out what I need from the tangle of mixed messages and confusion that surrounds me at times.  I need to look deep inside to find what connects me on any day.   Even if that means living a centred and solitary life, it will not mean a life in which I am out of touch, but in which I am deeply in touch.  For only through being deeply in touch with me, what fills and feeds me spiritually do I feel deeply connected and a part of life.