The soul in silence : reflections on solitude, trauma, wounding and healing

All the beautiful responses to my recent post/poem Trust in Silence have really got me thinking today of how important silence is to being able to be with and connected to depths of our soul.  When we are struggling or suffering often we can be abused by being told we need to ‘get out of our own heads’, “get off our pity pot!’, (yes readers I have heard this one many times in 12 step meetings) or that we are ‘isolating’ and at times there can be some truth to that, sometimes when we need the loving touch or support of others or look for the gifts or message in a painful experience,  but in world that find it hard to stomach or fathom certain truths, is it any wonder we learn to turn more and more towards the silence if we can, deep in that silence, find an inner source of soothing, calm and healing?

I know for myself the healing to be found in the warm of the sun, in sitting in a shady spot with doors open, Jasper at my feet just feeling the sense of connection with the moment that is awesome, magical, healing and mysterious and beyond words to fully describe (though I make stumbling attempts in poems).  Then there are the times when the silence is more like a deep dark indigo ocean that almost squashes me, I feel myself subsumed or I feel the cresting of a wave of anger or grief or sorrow that wants to rise up and sweep through me, possibly even sweep away some debris from inside, memories or feelings I buried long ago, and if I just allow myself to surrender than I can expand rather than contract in response to that and feel the beauty of having touched base with my soul.

And lets face it, for many of us who have endured depths of loss and trauma others do not, have not and could never know the depths of we are not going to find that recognition or acceptance and allowing of our process from most people and my personal feeling is that therapists also don’t always know the territory themselves.  I was told by astrologer Melanie Reinhardt 13 years ago after my last major accident which was a repeat of my near death one at age 17 that most therapists would not be able to fully understand the deeper spiritual dimensions of the wound of nearly losing my life as well as all the deeply Plutonian experiences that followed over the next 30 or so years for me.  She directed me towards the work of Buddhist Nun Pema Chodron and said a soulful meditative practice would be the best therapy for me.  Sadly I got into another relationship two years later with someone who saw my need for solitude as pathological.  According to him I had agrophobia!!!!  Anyway don’t really want to go back into the relationship today, it was a learning curve for me and I got some good things out of it and deeper understanding due to all the pain we both acted out on each other.

Lately I am learning to accept and validate more my need for soulful solitude.  It is where I create from.   It is where my deepest healing happens.  I don’t feel that level of connection in may relationships in the world, in some I do.  I feel it here because I feel here other trauma survivors and people in recovery are on the same page.  Just connecting with you brings me SO MUCH HEALING.  I was blown away yesterday by the love shown to me on a really tough day, coming out of a painful and challenging week.

I wanted actually to post another Thank You blog too as I was so grateful yesterday and today to open my page and see all the comments and love on here.  As well as responses to other comments of mine where I am trying to support others going through trauma and meeting misunderstanding and woefully inadequate response to their Complex Trauma.  I really see my life purpose to be as a Wounded Healer and it is what Melanie Reinhardt teaches about in her work on Chiron.  Its really only us who have navigated the depths of trauma that fully understand and since all traumas are also different in some ways we wont understand everything as we all have our own unique journeys, but in time I want to set up some kind of site to offer help.   If my journey and suffering and losses and gains can be used to help others that is what really makes me happy, it gives me a peace and feeling of wholeness that really lays so far beyond words.

But as I read this back I am mindful too that the healing for all of us lies both in connections with others, but more paramountly through the healing that comes from connection to our deepest soul.  I feel collectively we are trying too, to heal a deep split from nature and instinct and the divine feminine.   It is hard to articulate this in a post but there is a source of power that to me is Goddess like,  I don’t find the concept of a male God as personally healing in my own journey unless I think of the Frank Lloyd Wright quote in which he says he believes in God but his God is nature.   We are part of this mystery and so is our deepest soul and many of us are on a journey now to connect more to that source both within and without in order to find peace and love after years of separation, fear or trauma.  And to recognise more deeply our essential kinship with all living beings as well as the deep silence.


The Powerful Pull of Isolation

winter drive

I am aware that a lot of the time I withdraw.  I long for the peace and quiet of solitude in which I can be unimpinged upon by forces in the world and breathe a deep breath, touch base with the eternal and inner worlds.  I guess I have a powerful drive towards introversion.  But at times I am aware that this pattern comes out of past pain in relationships too.  And then my heart aches and I feel a longing for the sweetness of true intimacy and connection where two hearts meet, its just I have many experiences of not meeting or being met truely and having felt the pain of hurt, misunderstanding and disconnection.

And it can be hard to be an introvert in a world of extroverts who view any impulse to the inner life or time spent alone as illness or dysfunction. This was the case in my last relationship.  But I also feel there was a caring aspect to a partner who saw me in deep pain and spending significant time alone and thought I would be happier to be more engaged.  It was just a shame he had to disparage my inner world and impulse towards depth and solitude at times.

Over the past few weeks following the end of my radiation treatment I have felt the pull back deep inside but on some level perhaps, too I’ ve been missing the daily connection with other souls as well as the support shown.  I think I haven’t realised either that my body and soul are at present so tired following the huge ordeal of surgery and daily bombardment by radiation.  The burning is subsiding but my body still holds the charge of stored energy on top of all the other trauma I work to contain and process.  I need to really nurture and find ways to comfort myself at the moment. I sense that yesterday’s powerful Cancer moon opposing Pluto gave me a deep glimpse into a deep personal, familial and collective wound yesterday.  I spoke to my Mum and so much pain and anger came out.  She was so loving to me and I had the deepest sense of the wound I’ve carried from the maternal side.  I seemed to touch base with some deep, deep pain yesterday that felt much, much bigger than me. I cried lots over the past few days.

Today I cancelled an appointment. I find it hard not to honour commitments I make but today I did the right thing and cancelled, yet when I did lots of tears fell as I felt sad to be spending another day alone (but while writing this I feel happy too that I made the best choice for me).  I have not seen anyone much for four or more days now and today i will be alone again by choice.

Blogging is my one powerful outlet though which I can be connected while deeply alone.  While blogging everything I’ m thinking and feeling has an outlet and with my new tablet I can write with Jasper on my lap keeping his sights and instincts focused on movements outside the window.  Its cosy and warm and outside dark clouds are gathering, though we have rays of sunlight too.

I’ m comforted by recent comments and words of love from special people who have connected with me through here, they bring me such warm feelings..❤  I have a sense of others who understand that its okay to be introverted, those who have suffered similar wounds and challenges which probably drove them into isolation too and I am aware that being alone doesn’t always mean being isolated, sometimes solitude is a healthy choice that can feel nurturing and bring gifts.

I am becoming aware that often I judge myself in a harsh way having internalised over years the harsh judgement of others who did not understand.  I know I connect deeply in a culture that at times seems committed to superficiality and a lack of depth.  From a young age I fet different, seperate or apart.  I became a watcher, rather than a participant.

At the moment transiting retrograde Mars is squaring my first house Uranus, for the astrologically unaware this represents both a powerful pull towards going aginst the crowd and standing apart as an individual.  It can also show very early experiences of shock and separation which lead someone to detatch or disconnect.  This is the outsider who sees a lot but can feel disconnected.  In the rooms of AA I met alot of people who felt like this.

Addiction often speaks of pain or difficulty with attachment and intimacy.  Healing from it means addressing these wounds in a society that is more than ready to judge you, rather than understand the deeper causes.  To commit to that journey sets us apart but also gives us glimpses into experiences others fear or misunderstand.  Isolation can dog us until we find others who understand. And without that understanding its hard to reconnect and heal. I’m grateful for the times at meetings I could honestly share my own despair and feelings of not belonging that drove me to find comfort in substances.

Well its time for some food…These are just some of my reflections today on isolaion and solitude.  Would love to hear from you about your own experiences.  For in sharing we learn and connect or get new glimpses we may not have seen before.