Maybe I need to learn the lesson over and over and get hurt enough times to let the hurting go and realise that it doesn’t have anything to do with me, and I can stand it.
My skin got toughened up by you not getting it, by giving me the message it was wrong or there was something wrong with me for just being me. I got to see that you weren’t right, but it took others to show me, to rid me of this confusion.
I began to doubt and question myself a long time ago. I had to go through all of this doubt and self questioning in order to realise that its all okay anyway. I had to get really, really angry a number of times, enough times to find my way back to the self that felt angry and was told finally by someone else that such anger, rather than unnatural was a natural reaction to what just passed and was placed on me by someone who had erected barricades against authentic feeling.
I got this lesson over and over for about 8 years, is it any mistakes it was a lesson I was learning as Uranus passed through the eighth house and the sign ruled naturally by Mars, Aries? No mistake, timing right on cue. Thank you Uranus for driving this message home. Holding this anger in and not being aware that I was holding this anger in meant for a long time suffering from mysterious symptoms where by my anger was hidden and masked. No permission to feel it, only the tightening in the stomach the breathlessness that came from holding onto my breath without even being aware that I was holding onto my breath, stopping the flow of life, my authentic real life.
Even when I wanted to be born you held me inside until you finished a task you wanted to do with had nothing to do with me. I had to wait until it got so urgent and so now when I feel the impulse to move, to choose, to reach, to want I question over and over and run the wheels through all the scenarios, look sideways for affirmation or confirmation and then the moment is lost. I want to reach but I fear reaching and so I stay bound up inside.
Uranus moving backwards driving its message home. Bubbling away inside making its message felt. The joy I wanted to feel but was told was wrong, the desire I felt but had to deny, the longing I felt but learned to hold in so as not to appear too needy because I learned to fear and be ashamed of need or came to expect that needs would never be fulfilled.
Anger, today I felt you with someone who gave me permission. It felt so strange for it to be okay. Not to be told, “No”, to have my wrist held by other hands like shackles that stopped me reaching, expressing. To be told mixed up things like “anger is just an expression of fear”. WTF? On some level I knew this was not right and so it made me even angrier and then because I could not have the anger so sad. How liberating now to be told. It is okay to shout it out, it is okay to speak out, it is okay to run away, it is okay to stand up and say “No more”. Thank you for allowing my genuine protest. For without this how can I know where my boundary lies? How can I own my own life?