Growing some spine

Well people I have over 33 documents in my drafts folder.  I wrote this one well over two years ago so I am letting it out for some air, not sure why it never passed the censor!

Ever got really insanely, blisteringly angry with someone, something?   I had an experience of this state today and its never a comfortable experience for me.  I shared about it with someone I trust and she helped me to understand that a boundary that was very important to me had been crossed by someone.  This person works as a body therapist and as I was speaking about the issue she acted as a witness to me of what effect different expressions of anger can have on body posture, most especially how upright the spine is when we use anger as an empowering experience allowing us to move the energy in a way that is assertive, rather than purely aggressive.

We spoke through the difficulty I had with feeling free to express anger in a healthy way due to a family background in which I wasn’t really helped when upset or angry, only sent to my room and admonished for being “bad”.   Anger can feel like I am being bad especially if the expression of that anger in response to something someone else did is not empathised with and the person involved is invested in making me feel bad.  The bottom line is that anger is a sign that boundaries need to be drawn, that an important value of ours may have been violated.  Anger is a sign to me of what has value to me, and of what I can and cannot tolerate.

I’m interested in this at the moment, considering transiting Mars (planet of agency, anger, assertion and aggression) is currently moving through my 12th house and ever closer to the ascendant while squaring 3rdh house Neptune and opposing my Aquarian Sun, Venus, Mercury, Jupiter and South Node in the seventh house.  In addition transiting Mars is beginning to form a wide waxing trine to transiting Uranus in the eighth house.

Transits through the 8th and 12th have to do with energies that may have been buried in the unconscious becoming more conscious to us, through conflicts or experiences which bring our attention to them during the transit. Aries, ruled by Mars, rules my eighth house and represents that the energy of assertion and creative agency has fallen into the shadows.  I may feel (and do at times feel) scared and guilty for expressing and asserting my own needs. All my Aquarian planets and the South Node there encourage me to forget myself and look to what the family or group needs, my Leo North Node in the first indicates that in order grow forward I need to be able to feel a sense of power and strength in the expression of my Self, to become more of a King of my own domain.

Added to that the polarity planet of values Venus is currently also transiting retrograde in the sign of Leo (currently at 16 degrees) towards transiting Mars moving forwards at 11 Leo.  In all the reading I have done about retrograde Venus transits I have learned that frustration can build into old unresolved psychic conflicts around relating, relationships, self esteem and self value as Venus moves backwards.  It may be a time we have to go to war or learn about the values that are important to us, due to being frustrated or denied.  A force for transformation builds as Venus stations to move forward again which it will do

My anger today wasn’t just about the person involved.  It had a lot to do with how I was feeling inside at present.  A little put upon and just a bit sick of overextending myself for the other person involved.  Sun/Venus/Mercury/Jupiter/South Node in the seventh tends to make me over do the compassion initiative and to deny myself and my needs for the sake of preserving the relationship.  Which is fine if the other person is taking my needs into consideration, but when they are not.  Well as I experienced it today this blows my gasket and I need to understand why, to take steps to fight in a good way for my own needs in an assertive, mature way.  Lesson learned today.

I’ve dumped a lot of repressed anger into my body in the past.  Growing up I did not really learn to open up and communicate when hurt.  I was taught by Catholicism to turn the other cheek but sometimes you run out of cheeks and get tired of being slapped about my others inconsiderateness and insensitivity.  The point is that the lesson for me isn’t about them, its more about developing sensitivity into myself, my body and my true needs and values.  For these things cant be denied without me suffering symptomatic consequences.

Trying to figure out, what is right for me.

I wrote this over a month ago when I made a connection with a body work therapist.  I am seeing that around this time of year which coincides with a major trauma in my late teens the issue of looking for help with bearing the burden and legacy left emerges.  So for what its worth, I am taking it out of drafts, dusting it off, turning it this way and that to extract some meaning for me now.

Filled with doubts. Lots of questions. How can I know? I went to see a new body work therapist today at the advice of someone who has been urging me down this pathway for some time. I go to these therapists wary and with my BS detector sticking up. Relationship is a mine field for me anyway. Was for some time, especially therapeutic relationships, several of which have come to grief when things done or said just did not gel with me, or I felt someone trying to project things on me that felt wrong. Or with those who could not contain the rage that is part of the Post Traumatic State and only emerges when invalidation occurs or when I have been overloaded by a repeat trauma that has triggered earlier ones.

I was reading today in James Masterton’s book The Search For the Real Self, how not having a good relationship with our true self and feelings sets us up to be very vulnerable to the opinions of others. We look to them as a child to an adult when our relationship to our own sense of self and purpose is not strong. With all my Neptune squares to personal planets I can say I identify.

There is a long period when we are growing and developing what psychologists would call the ego (a mediating construct which helps sort between aspects of our inner self as differentiated from the inner selves of others), when our capacity for emotional intelligence is supposedly very limited.

Children can be sensitive to the energy of emotions, but at a certain point in their development they don’t really have names for them. Children need help with their emotions from caregivers in order to develop a relationship to them, regulate them, name them and express them effectively. Of course the later depends too upon how open to hearing us others really are.

The problem of lack of attunement and our parents own defences can leave us with a mixed up relationship to some of our feelings and emotions. Something I have noticed with several of the body workers I have dealt with has been an attempt to shut down emotions that may have been being expressed, which at times made me feel constricted and boxed in.

Supposedly too by questioning you about why you are angry or crying they can get to the bottom of it and figure it out. It is good to ask these kinds of questions but there will be those who just get it and you come away feeling validated and heard, that your expression flowed and your body felt expanded not contracted.

One of the legacies of undergoing traumatic experiences especially on the body is that the entire system, including our musculature and tendons constrict and contract.   We get scrambled, our central nervous system goes into overdrive, pumping out  cortisol when it needs to relax.  At present I am taking tissue salts to help with this, as during trauma our cells become depleted of certain minerals as cortisol levels spike.

Another question I had today was this.  What happens when a therapist lays the line on you that this is just a storyline, one you need to let go? It’s good to recognise when a pure emotion becomes amped up by our reaction to it.  Instead of letting it flow we chomp down on it like a dog with a bone and won’t let go, it intensifies or converts to another emotion (say anger when we are feeling grief, or grief when we are feeling anger),  then it blows out of proportion and become very reactive, but maybe even this reaction has lesson for us and is not the final world.

Truth is, I guess, we can have an emotion, but then we can have a reaction to that emotion or others have a reaction to our emotion which then interferes with the need of the emotion just to get out and be released so we can move on. Why the problem with questioning it? Validation says I see you are having such and such an emotion. Not that it is right or wrong. Once the person is validated for how they are feeling rather than the other person’s reaction to it there is often peace and an open channel of communication. I would call this non defensive communication.

The other thing I have been questioning what happens when we try to express something which a therapist misinterprets or just doesn’t get. Example. Today, once again I had to go in to my history and most especially my accident history as at night and during the day my body is still expressing this trauma in all kinds of strange symptoms. I was speaking of the experience of being trapped in the car and not being able to move, struggling for breath, being in pain and the ambulance men coming in behind to put an oxygen mask on me that I was trying to fend off. I needed that mask on, so fighting was dangerous. But then the tears came and most especially when I remembered the upset of the impact for my father who died a few years later.

The person I was seeing made the assumption that I in some way blamed myself on some level for that and was stuck in a story line. The truth is that I did not, it was out of my control, but I could feel the sadness and pain my father suffered over it, how the accident had impacted on him (he died several years later after further traumas involving my oldest sister’s illness, abandonment and breakdown).  It was after reliving this in an earlier body work session that I had a second major accident which mirrored the earlier one and left me with further Post Traumatic Stress which I am still working to resolve.

Its best not to assume or project, but I guess we can all do it. The important thing for me  To understand my own reaction and reality.  These days I find it is pointless to try and enter into any argument over my tears or the working of my own emotional inner world.  I am lucky enough after many years of failures in having found a therapist who empathises and really gets it, who does not reach for answers or try to project.

As far as other’s are concerned, I ask this. Why should other people get it that at times I feel really sad when they have not suffered in the same way or spend time denying emotions? Is it that I am too enmeshed in my suffering? (This is how they often make me feel.) That can hardly be true because I have lots of good and happy days, but there are days when sorrow can and does inundate me.

Today we worked with the sensations in my body, the traumatic imprints lodged in the tissues and I began to feel the unwinding and shifting of sensations as blockages dissolved and more sensation came in. At times I was pulled away by thought and I get that thinking came sometimes follow a story line and carry us away from the reality of just being present today. I have written a blog about that before.  When this happens and I am in flight from the sensations I remind myself to return to the breath and just notice body sensation.

I still came away from this first session questioning and running a doubting story line. Truth is I am not going to know how this particular treatment pans out until I front up for it and see if it has any beneficial effect on my symptoms. Until then the jury is out.

Deep down I wish the therapist would just keep the story line comments to herself and let me have my feelings. It’s true I might be caught up in a pattern. I am aware there are times I am holding my breath due to old traumatic imprints arising. At the time I am not always aware, but I am catching myself doing this more. It is one of the things I guess we tend to do when we are hit with something very overwhelming. Never the less it is important to learn to let go with the breath and encourage the new breath a space, because breath = movement = life.

We also need to let our emotions breathe in order to release them. They are like waves that arise and fall if we don’t clamp down on them. E Motion. Energy in motion.   I think many of my problems have come from holding in emotions and not having them validated. A saying of yes would allow the release and not cause further frustration.

This is what happens to emotionally sensitive children when they are not validated and it leads to all kinds of long term problems. There is nothing to be gained from denying sensitivity. It has a purpose and the sensitive child who feels things intensely needs help to validate and understand so they can self soothe and don’t have to reach for numbing substances or behaviours due to having been traumatised by parents who hurt them due to their own ignorance and fear.

I know it irritates a lot of people this sensitivity. The truth is that often I will keep what I feel inside, I won’t express or explode as I am considering your feelings, but it that last few years I have let myself explode in order to separate out validators from invalidators. Sometimes exploding is really essential so I can know how distressed I am and come to make sense of if something has angered me, because often when that happens (but not always) there has been an assault or violation of a kind. It wont be received well by the abuser or invalidator and their response has lessons for me.

The last thing I need now when I am making such progress with my psychotherapist is for this is for this body work therapist now to make me doubt myself when another therapist has said how important it was for me not to stuff this anger any more, so that eventually I can find ways to assert my needs more without the need to explode.

The most important thing for me now, I believe, is to trust my gut, to not have anyone on a pedestal and not to accept that which I find a bit hard to swallow. Well meaning as a person can be they have their own limitations. I am learning that if I have a doubt there is probably something not quite right. My true insights are often dismissed by my family something I have blogged about recently and so I naturally doubt myself when really I should just trust my gut. When I don’t, I get into problems.

What is important on this journey of healing is that I can validate myself and trust myself, something it has not always been easy to do. Something I want to explore more in my blogs. A lot of sorting out and separating is going on for me at present. It feels good.

I am looking forward to Saturn moving forward soon as I will be getting the waning sextile transit to Mars Saturn Moon when it does. This bodes well for me. I will be much more aware of my own Mars Saturn Moon than I was when I underwent the squares.

The major astrological lesson I have learned is that with a weak or damaged Mars I am emotionally Fucked. Mars serves the Sun. We need a healthy sense of self assertion to help us navigate through life with power and authority, not a power and authority over others but a power and authority that comes from knowing our self and our boundaries. What is and is not acceptable to us. This can be argued with by others but nevertheless as emotional adults we have authority over our own life and inner world.

There are some lovely world from a song from Dido which express this well:

This land is mine, I’ll let you in, I’ll let you navigate and demand, just as long as you know this land is mine.

What I ask for, I also have to give. That sometimes you won’t get it or understand and that you may even misunderstand me too, the most important thing being, that I no longer misunderstand myself.

As a post script I continued to see the body work therapist over the next eight weeks and I had a major blow up with her.  We managed to work through the anger and fear at the heart of it.  I shared with her about how I had been invalidated by two other body work therapists over four years and she said to me “I really get how scary and difficult it must have been for you to trust me.”  Immediately I could relax and feel that she really got what living inside the traumatised reality is like, when you reach out and trust only to be misunderstood and violated again.  I still struggle with my symptoms but they are lessening.  Mars in now in my first house and more available to me than it was when buried deep in the twelfth bringing up all my unresolved issues, but even all that questioning and indecision, the self questioning and self doubt was part of the process in trying to figure out what was going on and what was right for me.

Lessons of Mars : finding my way through invalidation to self care and healing

Care of the soul…appreciates the mystery of human suffering

and does not offer the illusion of a problem-free life.

It sees every fall into ignorance and confusion

as an opportunity to discover

that the beast residing at the centre of the labyrinth

is also an angel.

Has anyone else out there been subtly aware of Mar’s shift into the sign of Sagittarius over the past few days? I had not been watching the planetary positions in detail, but have been aware during the passage of the planet of action, assertion, activating, boundaries and self protection through the Pluto ruled sign of Scorpio that deep issues of power, insight and control as well as intense emotions left unprocessed or simmering from the past had been percolating and erupting, especially in the small hours of the morning in response or reaction to certain dealings or triggers in the day.

Things became especially intense for me last week following the Sun’s passage over my Pluto in the week prior to that. Early September marks the anniversary of my motor vehicle accident, the major trauma that punctured my life at 17.  At that time in 1979 a number of outer planets were sitting smack bang on 17 degrees of the signs, Libra, Scorpio and Sagittarius (strong linkages here to ancestral charts on both the maternal and paternal side). So September is an especially sensitive time for me anyway. And in my reading and experience traumatic imprints can be reawakened on anniversaries.

As an astrologer, watching my own cycles over years as well as those of others I see this all the time. Add to the mix that  during its passage through Scorpio over the past month or so, the planet Mars has been squaring seven planets in my seventh house, together with the Nodal axis between the first and the seventh.

This past week I have strongly felt the challenges inherent in the transit of Mars in Scorpio squaring my natal Uranus at 29 degrees Leo in the first house.  Some major conflicts and boundary challenge have presented themselves in significant relationships and yesterday I noticed that Mars has shifted into Sagittarius which means Mars will be squaring Chiron and Pluto in the seventh and first houses respectively, bringing up the need to separate and bring consciousness to certain habitual ways of relating to others which may have reached their use by date.

Scorpio and Pluto together with Mars bring up issues of inter personal power, transference and empowerment. From my experience, the planet Mars acts as a trigger planet, especially to other outer planet transits. When it hits key points in the natal and transiting chart issues seem to be activated at a deep level to promote consciousness and healing. We may have intense encounters or clashes with others, which can active a powerful  regression to former incidents left unprocessed.

Where the sign Scorpio and the planet of transformation and deep psychological work, Pluto is involved then we are dealing with shadow issues, issues that may promote discomfort for those not so willing to look at the dark side.

While it is necessary to take action during Mars transits, it is my experience that due to the spontaneity and explosiveness of Mars energies battles can occur and the depth of these are indicated by Mars passage through the sign of Scorpio. Over the past week exactly this has occurred, and over the past few days I found it necessary to take some distance from several significant relationships so I can process what has actually been occurred around issues of intimacy, power exchange, emotional expression and repression.

Mars transits mark a time when we need to work to separate and reclaim our power, power that early relationship traumas steal from us, setting us up for unequal emotionally damaging relationships, all Plutonian issues. Whilst editing this blog I came across the following notes from the Joy2 Me website on healing co-dependency.

“Co-dependence is an emotional and behavioral defence system which was adopted by our egos in order to meet our need to survive as a child.  Because we had no tools for reprogramming our egos and healing our emotional wounds (culturally approved grieving, training and initiation rites, healthy role models, etc.), the effect is that as an adult we keep reacting to the programming of our childhood and do not get our needs met – our emotional, mental, Spiritual, or physical needs.  Co-dependence allows us to survive physically but causes us to feel empty and dead inside.  Co-dependence is a defence system that causes us to wound ourselves.

Last week as Mars squared Uranus in my first house, I had the second lot of major dental treatment, a deep root canal to clear up infection  from a former treatment which was, due to a neglect of care,  left incomplete by a previous dentist, without my knowledge.

The first treatment to repair this problem took place two weeks ago while Mars was squaring my personal planets. The first part went on for over 2 hours and left me quite disoriented due to the impact of being held captive in the chair with dental paraphernalia clamping my jaw in place and being taken on and off over five times.

Certainly during this treatment  I faired better than I did two years ago and I was able to use mindfulness during the treatment to lesson tension in my body. Never the less it was traumatizing. The second treatment which took place last Wednesday was supposed to be easier, but my lip swelled a few hours following the end of the treatment and over the next three days developed an infection. But I feel there may have been a deeper cause to this.

Prior to the root canal I had booked a treatment with my cranio sacral therapist on the following day. I was in two minds as to whether or not to attend the session. I had hoped it would help to calm my nervous system, but on reflection I was feeling very tired and wish I had not gone. And yet, if I had not, would I have learned what I did later in the week?

When I arrived at the session on Thursday something triggered me and I blew a gasket.  Looking back I can see it was the unleashing of repressed feelings that had accumulated over the past two years and even further back:  the pain of the 1979 accident, the major head trauma of 2005, as well as a painful (and I now believe unnecessary) sinus operation of last year.  I had felt I would be safe enough there to give it a voice. That was a mistake.

My therapist reacted to the outburst by trying to forcibly shut my anger down, grabbing me about the wrists and saying. “This is not okay.”  I realise I had scared her however I was only expressing the repressed pain and anguish of so many hurts. After grabbing my wrists she yelled . “Look at me, look at me” with a hard cold look on her face. (I will add here that she now appears to me to have certain traits in common with one of my more challenging judgemental sisters.)

In our disease defence system we build up huge walls to protect ourselves and then – as soon as we meet someone who will help us to repeat our patterns of abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and/or deprivation – we lower the drawbridge and invite them in.  We, in our co-dependence, have radar systems which cause us to be attracted to, and attract to us, the people, who for us personally, are exactly the most untrustworthy (or unavailable or smothering or abusive or whatever we need to repeat our patterns) individuals – exactly the ones who will “push our buttons.” This happens because those people feel familiar.  Unfortunately in childhood the people whom we trusted the most – were the most familiar – hurt us the most.  So the effect is that we keep repeating our patterns…

I asked her to unhand me and moved my gaze within. I had felt violated in some way and there were so many echoes within this of other times, with other therapists.  Why the hell wasn’t my anger being validated or empathised with?. All this was going on inside me as I averted my gaze within in an attempt to stop her stealing my power away.

Eventually after some time of my sitting with my eyes closed she directed me onto the table and tears came. By the end I of the treatment I was left feeling dizzy, disoriented and spun around.  I expressed feelings of suicidal pain.  She looked at me with one of those degrading,  therapisty looks. “As your therapist those suicidal feelings concern me greatly”, she said. “Maybe you should consider seeing your doctor and going on anti depressant medication.”

I am a recovering alcoholic, I don’t follow the mood altering pathway with any substance (except perhaps food), over many years of recovery I have tried to deal with my feelings, not very effectively at times, but without putting on bandaids.

I have experienced suicidal feelings many times before, often in response to similar invalidations.  The feelings have always passed when I have been able to process,  work through and validate the reason for the feelings in the first place.  Before paying her and leaving (?”£$uurrgh)  I expressed to her the view that suicidal feelings are a natural reaction to feeling angry and not being able to express and release that anger, feeling trapped, disregarded and invalidated.

Despite standing strong on one level I still walked away from the session crying and in a very low state with my lip swelling more and more. By Saturday it was infected and I had to go to the doctor for antibiotics.   Over the next three nights I was sleeping only  two hours awakening  with intense anger towards her for what I felt to be her invalidation of my anger and her lack of empathetic response.

Over the same period I had an incident with my sister where she tried to step in and take control when I was not feeling well railroading me on another health issue that she felt I had not been addressing but at a totally inappropriate time.. The following day sent her a text to tell her in no uncertain terms to please show more sensitivity and back off.

In a final repeat yesterday, as Mars passed out of the square to natal Uranus, and began to square  my natal Chiron in the seventh another clash took place.  In my Monday my support group a woman who sets herself up as arbitrator (not a part of our usual way of sharing) and has a holier than thou attitude, interrupted me mid share to take me to task for using the “F” word whilst trying to debrief from the past week of Mars clashes.

She tried to force me to sensor my expression while the rest of the group watched in horror. I stood calmly and firmly for my right to speak. But I was rattled and quaking inside.

Another member of the group who is also an empath and had experienced something similar was almost shaking with anger, holding her throat and in deep distress as this clash took place.

With Uranus and  Pluto in the first house, these kind of clashes are not unusual. I’ve experienced them many times before.   Last night I was reading an interpretation of Pluto in the first house. It said people will either be strongly attracted to your intense energy or irritated by you.

Steven Forest says of the person with Pluto in the first house that they are the child who is the uncomfortable teller of truths and dark secrets, the one who has the courage to say the emperor has no clothes and then gets in trouble for it. Luckily I am aware of this Plutonian curse now.

Last night it occurred to me to check the daily planetary positions and sure enough yesterday Mars had moved into Sagittarius and was beginning to square my Chiron Pluto opposition.

The clashes of Monday and the later part of last week made sense to me in the light of this.  I was starting to feel the effect of being the shadow carrier again, a situation with which I’ve been saddled many times before.  Was exile close? Was I going to be sent to my room?  These were powerful old feelings and fears I felt yesterday.  But quaking inside I stayed in the chair and faced the enemy down.

When I stood up to this woman yesterday I spoke about how important it is for those of us who have been made to feel bad or wrong for feeling and expressing ourselves as we truly are to find ways to protect ourselves and stand for our right to express our truth. It is only when we have a strongly developed Mars that we can do this. As astrologer Liz Greene points out, it is Mars that goes to work for us in the service or our Sun and helps us to fight for what we believe in and helps us to know and take action to go for what we need to be authentic and  protect ourselves. This may mean retreating from hurtful situations or confronting them openly and firmly. With my own natal Mars often repressed by Saturn this has never been easy.

On returning home yesterday I was drawn back to a wonderful book by recovering alcoholic, John Lee, called The Anger Solution. In this book John addresses central issues of anger , boundaries and self care that affect us as recovering co-dependents. Using a process called the Anger Detour process he helps us to see what happens when we are triggered to regress to earlier injuries and wounds from childhood or earlier times.  I would like to share more about this process in a later blog.

In a very revealing paragraph John  writes

“The codependent is one who “is so afraid to tell you what he really thinks, feels, and really needs for fear of what you might feel or think about what they are saying..the fear of what someone might feel is a regressive tendency… you will find more rage and sadness in those who don’t exercise good self care, because they can’t say no, are extremely exhausted, are resentful, are depleted and are depressed.

Co-dependents break their value system constantly, resulting in guilt and low self esteem and thus increasing their tolerance or unacceptable behaviour because they give another person or process power to determine the course of their life, their moods, and their feelings.

They often feel trapped and that they don’t have the power to choose for their own destiny and all of that makes them very angry.”

And often I would add co dependents aren’t even conscious of the way they are feeling, due to a disconnection from and awareness of how they are feeling. In childhood our true feelings and needs, perceptions and values were not respected or validated, thus we lost our way home to ourselves.  A sense of deep emptiness and loss is a result.  To be armed with this knowledge, even though it hurts, it seems to me, is essential for us to recover and to go into fight for our own self care and protection in loving and assertive ways.

We cannot learn to Love without honouring our Rage!

We cannot allow ourselves to be Truly Intimate with ourselves or anyone else without owning our Grief.

We cannot clearly reconnect with the Light unless we are willing to own and honour our experience of the Darkness.

We cannot fully feel the Joy unless we are willing to feel the Sadness.

Joy2Me website

Many more feelings were triggered for me over the past week around issues of closeness and freedom in existing interpersonal relationships. Several confrontations and clashes with my mother, in particular, have shown me that empathy and an open willingness to engage with my feelings has been absent for most of my life. Her immediate response to confrontation has been to make me wrong and tell me that if I need to confront an issue she will no longer be a part of my life.

As a child I was often sent to my room and isolated when I was upset.  I was rarely talked to or comforted. As I mentioned above, at yesterday’s meeting I had this same feeling that I would be excommunicated and sent away for expressing my feelings. It did not happen as I stood firm, though I was tempted to walk away. But inside I was shaking with fear.  The only way through was to experience this fear and make friends with it, realising its reason for existing.  I remembered how many times I have been sent away or rejected, simply for being myself.

All of these realisations have come out of the current passage of Mars through Scorpio. I am not out of the woods yet as transiting Mars still has a little way to travel before passing out of the  square to natal Chiron and Pluton over the next two weeks. However, armed with the understandings that have come from the past years of recovery I feel in a much stronger place than ever before. Some of the twisting and uncoiling seems to be working its way out of my system, together with the shock of having to hold inside so much anger over invalidation and abandonment abuse over so many years.

I am not suicidal this week, and I understand those feelings as a reaction to invalidation and feeling trapped in a situation where I am not seen and heard and validated, or am made to feel crazy by crazymakers such as my therapist, mother and sister.  The body knows the truth.  It never lies.  Its truth may be buried but never the less it is there.  It comes through our intuition and through aches and pains.   Today I was able to text the cranio sacral therapist to say I was uncomfortable with her treatment and would not be returning.  She was happy to let me go and owned no part of the problem  I am beginning to trust that inside myself I have enough awareness to move forward alone.  My body has a deep integrity. It is always giving me signs and I now know where Mars lives inside my body and how it moves its way around in response to life.

Armed with that understanding I am feeling in a much more powerful place to heal and feel joy and promise in being alive.  In her closing words the therapist said “I hope you find a way to move through your pain and find peace.”  I texted back to say peace is with me when I am not re-traumatised and invalidated.  She had made it clear she had no tolerance for pain and so she was not a safe harbour for me .  Maybe that safe harbour now needs to be found within the most important place  Deep within my own heart and mind. To be honest I have had enough of therapy I know I have said this before.  But this time I really have learned the lesson.

On a final note while editing this blog and posting it this evening I have just been watching an SBS television programme Insight on Post Traumatic Memory.  A therapist on this programme has just addressed the issue of how ineffective the majority of therapists are at effectively helping people with Post Traumatic Stress.  He claims that their training in no way equips them to enter the reality of the patient, and until they can do this they are not only of not use, but can do further damage.  Judith Herman in her brilliant book Trauma and Recovery addresses this same issues, ie of how ineffective and damaging the majority of mental health systems are in understanding and effectively helping people heal, especially from early childhood trauma.

In time I will be posting some of what Judith has to say about damage to those who are traumatised from the medical and psychiatric profession.  However the paradox is that we don’t heal in isolation.  The key to healing lies in developing a healing relationship with someone.  Without this we are up shit creek without a paddle.  In my experience it is not the professionals that have been willing to be with me in the truth, but only some friends.  Without them I don’t know if I would have made it through.  My ex partner nearly destroyed me by his abject rejection of my post traumatic reality.  There has been deep anger about this and it has taken some time to move through to acceptance.  Hopefully this blog goes someway forward to resolving some of that anger by voicing it and finding a channel of expression.  It is my passion to bring healing and understanding to what traumatised people endure.  There is so much trauma in our society.  It needs to be addressed so that in giving the trauma a place we find a way to honour the integrity of even our most painful experiences, for surely there is deep within the heart of this beast an angel just waiting to be freed to spread its healing wings over our wounded bodies and souls. The beast becomes angel in the healing light of our acceptance and love.