It breaks my heart

It breaks my heart now

All of the leaving

When I realise that healing

Only ever truly arises

Through connection

Sadly I learned to

Turn away

And deny the pain

But being with you

Was so painful too

No place to rest

Today my heart contracted

Deep inside

As I struggled to make sense of it

Time is up

But there is never enough

And still

As we rise to go

Sometimes we find and enter a new flow

As realizations come to flood

The entirety of our being

Heart and soul

With love

For can we truly thrive

Or feel fully alive

Without it?

It hurts

Feeling blue

My heart goes out to you

Pain in my chest

Hard to rest

Knowing you feel lost again

There are no longer any ideas here

About what is right or wrong

Because the truth is I do not know

Any more

All I know is that

It hurts

Sometimes I feel we are cursed

By an age old wound

That festered

I try my best

To keep keeping everything

Under control

But deep down inside I know

There is no way to really say

The absolute truth of what it is

My heart feels for you

You struggle so very hard to stay alive

That now to feel you sinking

Hurts me so

And I am really all out of words

Because deep in my heart I know

This pain you carry

Has no resolution

Will never ever ever

Completely

Go away

The roots of alcoholism lie deep

I am trying just to pray for my sister today.. I had an insight that she is where she needs to be.. She can rest in hospital, have all meals provided, be surrounded by others, find peace.. I long for that to be honest, to be taken care of and have no responsibilities much. Today I just got back from a long walk in the middle of it Jasper decided to role in a huge pile of horse pooh he was covered all over with it by the time we got back to the car, luckily I bought 40 baby wipes last Monday to keep in the car so I got a bit of it off him then and there and then dumped him in the bath when we got home, but by the time I sat down after trying to wash it all off I was exhausted.. I remembered just to sit, pause and breathe even when he was in the car afterwards and stunk to high heaven.. I encouraged myself not to rush to clean up the mess.. I was actually crying while walking along for some time when it happened and this mess is my life.. There is so much going on I have no control over.

Guidance came to me earlier today to read this reading from the Al Anon reader: Courage to Change. It’s spot on for me.. I forget at times to turn situations over, to let go and let God.. When it comes to alcoholism and its long term affects this is most necessary as it is baffling and powerful the way highs and lows as well as the urge to live and want to die oscillate not only in my sister’s illness but in my own life.. It seems to me that we live with this two forces all of the time and in some lives one or the other force dominates. We also so often seem to restle with things so far outside or our control or drive ourselves mad with worry.

I felt that huge void of lonelieness lying in bed this morning contemplating a world in which my sister has gone below ground again, but sometimes more of her soul self seems available then, even in the silence. For myself I need to remember the 3 Cs of alcoholism. I didn’t cause it, I cannot control it, nor cure it..

The reading that helped me today is shared below :


Its only natural to want a quick fix or an immediate solution to a difficult situation. As one member jokingly puts it: “God grant me patience, Lord – and hurry!” Do I have some pain or discomfort or another problem in my life? Let me fix it, or be rid of it now. Is it a situation I have lived with for twenty years? Fine. I’ll give it fifteen minutes. Perhaps I have lived with it all of my life – well then a few weeks or two. Is it connected with alcoholism? Do its roots run really deep in the ground of my being? In that case I’ll make a few program calls and share at a meeting.’

Its it still hanging on? Very well, I will launch a major campaign of self criticism. What’s wrong with me (or someone else)? Why do I have all these feelings about something that isn’t important? I’m sure I caused all of this myself: that somehow I’m to blame.

Heaven forbid I should surrender, accept the discomfort, and pray for guidance.

Today’s Reminder

Willpower cannot eliminate in a day troubles that have taken root and flourished in my life for decades. Things take time.

You cannot create a statue by smashing the marble with a hammer, and you cannot by force of arms release the spirit or soul of man.

Confucius

Sunsets field

Slowly on the sunset’s field

Dark blood stains seep

Staining brown ground red

As pain attends the final moments

Of the dying’s moans and screams

Sometimes at dusk it seems as though

This driven pain

Causes tears to spring from my eyes

Just as red poppie blooms burst free

With the early rush of spring

And although I never knew

The touch of you

And even though

My mother rarely spoke of it

Your absence haunted us all

At dusk I feel the silence

Sometimes as blessing

Sometimes as burden

Longing for the soldier I never met

Who owns a piece of my heart

Echoes within echoes

Resound

As I find a way to hold it all

I am the young child

Longing

And the grown woman

Waiting

Both are here

Along with my ancestors

Whispering in the wings

‘We only wish for you to make a home’

For all these feelings never known

Yes

And please

I do

Long

To move on

For these tears must now leave

A place were new life can grow

From the petals of this dying rose

Which must be shed

Along with this

Heavy burden

Of ancestral suffering

back in hospital

Getting going was such a struggle today, I feel the approach of Moon to Pluto and when I finally got into the car and managed to get out into a peaceful place to read my book, the phone went and it was my brother. There is usually a reason he calls, its never just to ‘see how I am going’ and the reason only became apparent towards the end of the call, to tell me my sister had been put back in hospital.. the news hit me like sledgehammer, because its the opposite of what she said she wanted the other day, and because of the grief, as soon as I got the news and it sunk deep down inside me I started crying and its been hard to stop the tears ever since.

I rang an Al Anon friend as I knew they would understand and let me cry and then I acknowledged the first step “I am powerless over the disease of multigenerational addiction, depression and my family.” The tears come with the recognition I am not in control and earlier I rabbited on with my brother saying how I don’t believe in meds and that its a family disease but what is the point as he ended the conversation soon afterwards and that is just my personal point of view.

Nevertheless I cannot explain how and why it has hit me so hard. My sister is the one person I see with any regularity and the loneliness of my life is glaring the one person I connect to I talk to over text and there is a still minimal possibility they are not even real.

I truly understood its been so much for my sister to generate her own life all alone.. She has reached out so much and got through so much since she got out of hospital in October last year, but it now seems to be that her going back and forwards to hospital is going to be an ongoing thing and I need to accept it.. I also have to accept my limits as to being able to give and give and give any more and I am sure she realises this, has not in fact, even asked for it… so its a pressure I put on myself because I love her and it has hurt to see her not really with it at times she has been having quite a bit to drink at different get togethers. I did not like to share at one dinner she was slurring her words and wobbling on her feet and that was probably down to the combination of meds being changed and her drinking on the top of them. I see her hunger to be connected and how hard she tries and my heart just melts in compassion but I also see the front she puts on.. and there is only so far we can go with putting on ‘the glad wrags’…

Kat and I were talking about this cultural need this week for us to look good, to put on a smile, to not show sadness or anger or any out of control emotions. Well we are human so we can only go so far down that pathway.. Today with all the tears shed I feel I am yet again back in that place of having to hold all of the family feeling… They will be medicating her again and I don’t believe she is ever going to regain the power to cry… not that we must cry all the time but there is a place where genuine feelings need to be released. At times talking we share those things but the ECT she had a few years ago seems to have erased a lot of her memories and emotions.

I took myself into town after getting that news to have lunch but could not even bear to be around the shops after it, I just wanted to get home to my old weather board place and back to my inner self life and ‘reality’ here.. There is nothing in the outside world that can fill me up in the way my inner connection to higher power does… its an empty quest when we begin to look around outside ourselves for wholeness or love, that is how its feeling today…I am alone and will always be alone.. I feel my sister moving further and further away from me today.. almost as if she is being sucked down into a vortex but maybe hospital is the best place for her right now. At least there she is close to others all day and lovingly contained unlike being disconnected in a high rise unit and working out four or more days a week. So much as I cry a deeper part of me understands why she needed to go back to hospital. This is about God’s will not mine and so I must recognise that as Mars moves closer and closer to its square with Saturn and Pluto in Capricorn. I just have to keep praying to God to keep centered close to my soul and nature for it is only when centered in these my deeper void is filled in a way it seems impossible to be in the outer world of humans. In that place the natural emotions of my soul flow like water and I use them for my poetry, inner insight and to generate a sense of completion, wholeness and meaning that can only be birthed from within.

Later in the afternoon her son called me to say he is confused as to why she has now ‘crashed’ again.. he said he also feels so helpless sad and anxious about it, earlier when I wrote this post I said I thought I would be excluded with her being medicated as my and I medication stance would be seen as compbarative but that was not the case at all. I see more ckearly that he us a human struggling too and at times I reach wrong conclusions out of wounding or fear…sometimes there is misunderstanding too Sue to.lack if communication

Today I woke feeling sad for my sis but glad she is somewhere she can be cared for. I ho0e she gets t access her emotions one day but that is out of f my hands. She has her own 0ath to travel and all I can do is love and support her where she us accepting the reality on any day even when it varies from what I so long for for my dear sid.

Experiencing flow with our parents

I am revisiting a series of post I wrote just before my mother passed away in December 2017… opening our flow in life can be a challenge if we had to push a parent’s love away for various reasons or if we never got to experience it due to their own being blocked. ❤

Emerging From The Dark Night

How well our own life and energy flows depends on the flow of connection we experienced with both our parents, and if we examine the issue more deeply our own parents ability to connect both with themselves and us has a great deal to do with how strongly they were connected with or disconnected from their own parents.  As children we have very strong radars, we can feel a parent’s disconnection or suffering.  There are often no words for this at first as according to Mark Wolynn

“early interuptions in general can be difficult to discern, because the brain is not equipped to retrieve our expriences in those first few years of life.  The hippocampus, the part of the brain asssociated with forming, organizing, and storing memories, has not fully developed its connection to the prefrontal cortex (the part of that brain that helps us interpret our experiences) until some…

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Stored trauma from past generations

I am learning to listen to the information stored in the cells of my body a lot more lately.. Today I did therapy by phone as I had a busy week with a lot of struggle after watching the movie that stirred up past trauma and today in therapy my ancestor Bluey came through in my body.. It might sound bizzare but after I shared my poem On The Wind with Kat my therapist I felt the energetic print and force of being on a World War One battle field with shocks going off all around me as bodies were being tossed this way and that..like me Jung had Sun square to Neptune and lived very close to the collective unconscious.

It is something my first Jungian therapist recognised in me back in 1999 when I did my first stint of therapy that got aborted 2 years later. I remember asking her if she thought I had Borderline Personality Disorder. Her reply was this : “No Deborah you are someone who lives very close to the border of the collective unconscious.”

Today I felt the trauma Bluey endured as I was reading one of my posts and there was a feeling like being twisted and crushed by an inner psychic force all around the back of my left shoulder blade and I felt the pain deep in my lungs.. My grandfather was gassed during WWI and died from those injuries in 1931.

I have been having these intense spiral spins for most of the week around my spinal axis and its getting intense as transiting Mars at 17 Aries squares transiting Mercury at 19 Cancer as both slowly approach both the square and opposition to transiting Saturn Jupiter and Pluto in the final decante of Capricorn (each signs has 3 decantes that span 0-10, 11-20, and 21 – 30 degrees of each sign.)

Pluto stores the imprints of what has passed or been experienced in past generations. It also makes us sensitive to the spirit world or etheric ether in some way, at least that is my intuitive sense.. Those of us with Moon Pluto aspects often carry something deeply emotional powerful and hidden from our multi generational maternal inheritance. (Possibly those with Pluto Sun carry it from the father’s side though I have not yet researched this.) I know in my own life this relates back to the loss of his mother my great great grandfather endured in the 1760s… eventually Thomas became an alcoholic, our great great grandmother left him and that alcoholism trauma was passed down skipping a generation….something I have been exploring in therapy with Katina today.

Kat was asking me what sort of person my older sister who is now dead was.. She was beautiful, full of spirit, strong, forceful, creative and sadly became an alcoholic who pushed herself too hard to achieve and eventually came unstuck… she was more of an engaged mother to me than my own mother but sadly she left when I was 3 years old, returning when I was about 10… I often used to visit her before she finally moved back to our home town and suffered a cerebral bleed in 1980, six months after my near death accident. I still miss her though she suffered so much later in life that I am now glad she is at peace.

A spiritual healer once told me my sister’s trauma was related to ancestral trauma.. She even married a man from New Zealand which was the place my g g grandparents migrated to in 1875. She moved back to New Zealand for a time and her two oldest boys were born there..she named them John and James not knowing those were my Mum’s Dad’s first and second names as Mum’s father died of war injuries when she was 7.

In our family it was my older brother who was the golden child. He carried all of my father’s hopes and dreams of material and financial success and has achieved that but sadly has next to nothing to do with my dead sister’s sons, which is a shame.. they are all beautiful boys who suffered from the fracturing of the family that accompanied my sister’s illness, breakdown and later psychosis.

I feel grateful lately to be breaking free more and more of any expectations of my family being other than they can or could be. Ours is an emotionally distant and avoidant family sadly, and it is a pattern I wish to change in my own life going forward. Sadly I could not recognise this hidden influence in time to stop that dynamic affecting my life until now, and after all I am only lately learning to love, respect, nurture, support and champion myself as well as stop judging myself for the consequences of all this abandonment trauma playing out. It’s the 16th anniversary of my ex husband leaving me in 4 days so it’s no wonder past weeks have felt intense emotionally.

I read a beautiful but very sad poem from one of the World War One poet’s Siegfried Sassoon featured in a collection I bought last year called Some Desperate Glory. I cried a lot reading it but felt a distance too. How those young men coped after returning to ‘normal life is beyond me. They had visited the Underworld. Shell shock was a more honest embodied description of traumatic experience than the term PTSD which was only coined after the Vietnam War. As trauma specialist Peter Levine notes in his wonderful book In An Unspoken Voice the newer term is more dissociated…I felt those shocks in my body yesterday as we spoke of the OCD cleaning impulses that dog our family. My older sis was a big fan of Mr Sheen…Cleaning and compulsively ordering were ways Mum kept deeper more complex messy feelings at bay.

Today my dog Jasper runs out the door when cleaning starts reminding me of how it felt to be a young child who could never just kick back relax, sink in to the moment and zone out for a while these are the ways we access the imaginative creative realms…luckily today I can live differently when I loosen the hold of this tightly spun energy that at times wants to possess and tie me up in knots compulsively. The nasty witch mother isn’t waggling her finger at me so much lately..at times I am feeling capable of drawing a deeper breath while allowing a longer exhalation….big sigh!! Moments of pure peace are arising more lately as islands of calm amidst the frenzy and buried emotional chaos I am being born out of. The more emotion I recognise, feel, have validated and release the freer and lighter I feel. The Sun then emerges from behind clouds and I soak it up..knowing it feels a lot like love..I feel then the Universal light shining down on me healing relaxing and empowering me..refreshing me deeply in body mind soul and spirit even as I hear my ancestors voices and feel their suffering I can begin to know I only ever was a container for something seeking expression through my art, writing and therapy. I am sure many artists and writers also access this realm through their work.

Following are the final two stanzas of Siegfried Sassoon’s poem The Redeemer

No thorny crown, only a woollen cap

He wore – an English soldier, white and strong,

Who loved his time like any simple chap,

Good days of work and sport and homely song,

Now he has learned that nights are very long,

But to the end, unjudging, he’ll endure

Horror and pain, not uncontent to die

That Lancaster on Lune may stand secure.

He faced me, reeling in his weariness,

Shouldering his load of planks, so hard to bear.

I say that He was Christ who wrought to bless

All groping things with freedom bright as air,

And with His mercy washed and made them fair.

Then the flame sunk, all grew black as pitch,

Whie we began to struggle along the ditch;

And someone flung his burden in the muck,

Mumbling: ‘Oh Christ Almighty, now I’m sunk’

Related posts :

https://emergingfromthedarknight.wordpress.com/2017/11/18/a-family-body-we-inherit-and-re-experience-stress-emotions-and-trauma-in-our-cells/

https://emergingfromthedarknight.wordpress.com/2017/11/17/how-stress-and-trauma-are-carried-from-generation-to-generation/

https://emergingfromthedarknight.wordpress.com/2017/11/18/a-family-body-we-inherit-and-re-experience-stress-emotions-and-trauma-in-our-cells-part-two/

Hungry for your love

I was always hungry for your love

Mum

I was always hoping you might see me

I found a way to stay within your orbit

By fitting my younger self

Around your needs

Even if I had to squeeze

So much of me down tight inside

It is clear to me now

How much I had to lie

To my body

So many times

Submitting to all of the things you felt the need to do

To ‘improve’ me

My bucked teeth, my too big feet

My legs that wanted to spread open

Just to find my right place

In the space of life

Instead it felt to me as if

I always was being forced to hide

The parts of me inside

That did not fit your image

Of how I should be

That is why

Even now

Sad to say I struggle to be free

And see the struggle of someone else

Still dying behind the fences she had to erect

To win other’ s love

And stay safe

While losing herself

My heart aches at times

To see this truth

If only we had been taught

To love ourselves as we were

And nurture our gifts

And stop all of this

Striving to please

But old habits die hard

And sometimes it is only pain

That shows us we must

Categorically try to find a new way

To be in this world

No longer cutting ourselves down to size

No longer listening to all the lies

That say

We will never be

Good enough

rescued by love

Love surprised me on the path

Love surprised me on the path

It was not as I thought

Present alone

In the fullness of heart

I feel when life is shining and things are

Going well

Love is also present

In the terrifying

Groundswell

Of uncertainty

That greets me

On the awakening edge

Of becoming

Sometimes in

All of my former equations

Love seemed only to be

The minus sign

Hidden behind

The refusal of others light

To shine

Upon me

When really

Love is always there

Waiting

Closer than my next breath

And its discovery

Must depend

Upon no less than this

A tearing apart

Leading to a rearrangement

And change of heart

That comes when all of my best laid plans

Are turned upside down.

On the other side

Of a fading hope

Still lingering

From childhood

To be rescued

By love

Voice

I very much

Wish to stay alive

Without all of these

Deep dives

Into hopelessness

Feeling the layers of suffering

That grew

As I ran around

And never knew which way

To turn

Looking for comfort

Was I ever truly alive

Before?

And now that I

Look back along

This corridor of years

There is a growing sense

Of all of those rooms I entered

Sometimes surrendering myself

And now that you speak the truth

Trying your best to shed

Those empty roles

That imprisoned you

Its becoming clear

How invisible we are

Seek the ones

Who will look further

And not be fooled by the mask

Do not sell your soul

For a place of belonging

Find your strength

In self trust

Leave behind the ones

Who can never ever see

Into

The depths of your soul

This is no longer

About self control

You may believe you are

Coming undone

And have to try even harder

But do not be fooled

For there is no hiding place

When the empty echoes

Of your lost self

Follow you

Seeking a voice