Close to you

Within the silence

I hope you feel me close to you

Hear the whisper of words of love

Carried on the breeze

And even though the world

Seems intent upon keeping us apart

I pray that you feel this

My heart silently beating out its rhythm

Of passion longing and love

Tender blessings of care and benevolence

Falling upon you from above

And when you look to the stars

At night

Remember this

I am only a thought away

And at every moment my soul

Is calling out your name

Reconciliation

Well I went to my therapy appointment despite the fact I felt disappointed and angry with my therapist and she was very, very pleased to see me, was actually waiting with the door open as I climbed the staircase. I was able to say how I was very hurt and disappointed at what had happened in our last session without lashing out in anger and she apologised for her part saying she didn’t deal with things very well. She then said to me that we had achieved so much working through this and not letting it tear us apart but all I could do was cry. Why was I feeling just so goddam sad??? My sense is the sadness was all around other unfair things in the past I never found my voice to speak up for or was blamed for.

Maybe I was sad too because I am realising lately that therapy is the only contact I have most weeks with anyone. I have held off visiting my sister in hospital for over a week now and haven’t called her either. I was hoping that JUST ONCE she may be able to pick the phone to me and see how I am. I think hell will freeze over first and it is with great anxiety that I resist my impulse to do anything to be connected at the moment. It was so very hot last week that all I could manage to do was walk Jasper and rest and with the heat its a huge drive to go over to see her and I am just so very very tired of it all. I told Kat in therapy today I am just letting go despite the sadness of never hearing from my one left living sister after losing both my older sister and mother in recent years.

Anyway I am thinking of what I can do to be a bit more connected. I am going to attend a registration day on volunteering in my home town in 9 days time and I am also going to look into possibly doing one day a week’s home help for others. I can’t afford just to sit around a complain about how isolation hurts without doing something constructive to address it.

Also discussing things with Kat I see how I blame myself for ‘isolating’ when really all this time I have been working to find ways to connect inwardly with my True Self and feelings and needs so when I DO go back out into the world it is in a more authentic way. I see that over time I did sacrifice myself in order to be loved. I was not really given the support I needed and in my marriage when the support was offered I found it hard to accept it at times, due to my tendency to go it alone but it was hard to be seen as my true self too. I know with my sister we can be close at times but at times it is hard to relate from a deeper level as well and there is past pain there because I didn’t felt seen a lot of the time and when I did try to reach out we didn’t connect very well. Moving into sobriety and acknowledging the multigenerational wounds of addiction in our family has not been something my sister wanted to address.

I was listening to a programme on alcoholics and recovery today and it occurred to me (as it has in the past) that my sister is really a drug addict but to legal drugs rather an illegal ones. She is always looking to something to change her mood with comes from the outside instead of looking at how connecting to her insides and understanding herself could help her. They are seeking to bring her shakes under control now but stored up emotional charge manifests in these shakes and my sister was repressed in her childhood and in her later adult life, when she tried to burst out of the box she was pathologized and slapped with a diagnosis which then required medical intervention which in some ways was a giving away of authentic power. When we lose our power and give it away to outside sources we don’t really become re empowered until we learn ways to take it back.

Anyway with regards to the recent conflict with my therapist I feel I handled it well. I didn’t need to cut off totally and I am also happy I could hold myself through the painful feelings evoked over the three days, my therapist believes it shows great signs of progress for me. Learning to trust myself and my responses and feel comfortable in my own skin is a work in progress.

Trust

Trust

At times you becomes dust

As we watch so many fires

Burn themselves out

When desires

For what was never meant to be

Burn and crash

Who knows why it is we fail

And why it is

Some themes just keep repeating

Over and over again

How can we know what is real

Unless we can feel

The way to truth

And so often there is no proof

Until we have travelled so far down that road

That turning back

Is impossible

To hope and face despair

Which brings the awakening

Of every past sorrow again

Feels as though it may be

The thing that will ultimately

Destroy us

Be too much of a cost

To pay

But when trust is gone

What else lives on

But despair

And then it seems

There truly is

No end to our suffering

Its natural to feel sad and vulnerable if we have wounds : some thoughts on high sensitivity and the trauma of childhood

Its hard to be told you shouldn’t feel sad when something really sad is happening to you. Sadness is really only a feeling and its one that can be difficult for many to acknowledge. Getting stuck in deep sadness can be paralysing though but when it comes to the deeply rooted sadness and deeper sense of powerlessness over intense past hurts (which often play a huge part in depression) where really is the cure beyond acknowledging painful truths? Being told to think differently about it? True we can have a change of perspective which may lessen the intensity a bit but that does not mean the sad or powerless underlying facts disappear? Maybe it just means we learn to self soothe and not magnify the hurt.

Denying our feelings comes at a price. I recently shared a vlog from Teal Swan on why its no use being told not to be upset or triggered by something, what Teal recommends is owning your feelings and even your sense of low self esteem which leads to hypersensitivity rather than just reacting from the place. I just posted a reblog on narcissism and high sensitivity and where it becomes damaging is when the highly sensitive person does not acknowledge the roots of their over reactions which lie in a WOUND often one they did not cause and played no part in, in childhood. Its not easy living with such an intense hair trigger response. The Jungian analyst Robert Johnson explained it in a mythical way in a talk on the myth of One Two Man, a boy abandoned by both parents and raised by a grandmother who had a hair shirt with an eye on the end of one of many fibres that came out of it. That explained in symbolic way his state of hypervigilance which is typical of a childhood where you had to be on guard against a volatile, controlling or perfectionistic parent who could cut you down with a sneer or sideways glance.

Living with such a sense of being unsafe is not easy. Learning its okay to be vulnerable is better though than over reacting, blocking and deflecting or defending all over the place against further projected injury. And sometimes we do need to be wary as others don’t always have our best interests at heart. Hypersensitivity is not easy. The sadness of such a kind of emotional abandonment can carry on for a long time in adulthood until we learn to reparent ourselves and hold that hurting child safely without acting out all over the place and making life miserable for ourselves and others.

I struggle a lot with anger when I feel I have been treated unfairly. It happened in therapy on Thursday and my default is to want to cut off contact all together. I am still struggling with this one and trying to listen to what my inner child needs. On some level I feel she wants adult me to hold me in future and no longer have to rely on my therapist to do it. I never miss sessions and I missed two before Christmas due to events out of my control and my therapist now wants me to pay for missed sessions which makes me feel really strangled. Its not the first time I have wanted to end therapy and I am adding this final paragraph now. Its a tough decision because I am so isolated that often my therapist is the only person I see all week outside people who serve me in shops or at cafes. Its making me really sad and twisted about at present.

The Highly Sensitive Narcissist.

Thanks to JR from My Journey for liking this post. I just found it on his site and think it has a lot to say about things I have sensed and worried about in myself. I hope it proves insightful to other readers.

Ganymede’s Adventure

Malignant narcissists: HSPs gone bad?

Reblog from Lucky Otters Haven.

The concept of malignant narcissism and HSP traits coexisting in the same person is a matter that has very little research behind it (I could find nothing at all on Google), so this article is based on my own opinions, gleaned through a combination of my readings and personal observations of the narcissists I have known. My opinion may come as a surprise.

In my article A Match Made in Hell: Narcissists and HSPs, I wrote about the tendency for narcissists and HSPs to form trauma-bonds with each other–that’s really just a fancy way of saying these two seemingly opposite types of people are often drawn to each other and become codependent on each other. The narcissist is both attracted to and repelled by the HSP’s vulnerability and high empathy. They both envy and loathe it; part of this…

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All that is left

Sometimes all that is left is sadness

A profound and deep grief

As enormous as an ocean

Full of all the longing and devotion

I gave to things that could not return

The same to me

I grew so tired of trying

And its hard to know now

Who is telling the truth

And who is lying or just acting out of fear

And when guidance comes

And I am told to read

Meditation 116

And it speaks of the sadness we must not avoid

On the way to learning

Facing all the mistakes we make

And understanding all the times

We were abandoned

Or abandoned ourselves

I realise why it is I cry

So often now

And yet sometimes I find myself home

All alone

With no one else within this radius

And as I read the words

She lives inside herself

So much makes sense

For where else does the world push us

When it fails to see us as we are

When no witness appears

To mirror truths

We know deep inside

But back within ourselves

Back within the vast ocean

That we only pretend for so long

We have ever ever truly escaped

In the aftermath

Though you are gone from me

Each past love

You are paradoxically also still here with me

In the memories

And with the feelings that arise

Under the cover of silence

Of the loving and the wounding

It seemed for years my heart bled

With all the pain that could not be said

Until my head nearly burst

With the new wantings

That brought to me recognition of the pain of a past

I could never change

And if youth is wasted on the young

As the wise ones say

Then in older age perhaps

We grow wisdom from the pain

And suffer as the astrologer once said

The purification of suffering through the ordeal by fire

Desire is that fire

That burned

Fuelled by so much we could not speak of

But longed for

And wept for

Birthing deeper understandings

In the aftermath

Part of me

We tried

But in the end our hearts could not meet

And even though we longed

For the embrace of each other

Lately it is seeming that it is not meant to be

And all my struggle with wanting more

Is ending as I find the courage to seek the light

Of a new shore

Finding a place just to embrace it all

This past I am powerless ever to change

And maybe this is enough for me

Breath of wind on bare cheek

Soft feel of my dog’s fur

Under open hand

And memory upon memory

Of what was

And was not yet to be

Setting me free

Leaving me be

Dreaming me onward

To a present where

Finally

I find the strength

To move on

Surrendering nothing

Taking it all

Embodying the song

Acknowledging it all

As part of me

Letting go is sad but often it is the price of growing

I am thinking a lot about this issue of letting go today after reading a post from someone whose marriage ended painfully through betrayal. It reminded me again of the pain I felt when my ex husband told me he was finally leaving me to go back to the UK and be with his family who never fully accepted me. It was heartbreaking and from then on I started to suffer panic attacks and I had an accident on the first anniversary where I split my head open very badly. I still don’t know if we would have survived if I had chosen not to come back for family who were suffering. (My older sister who was incapacitated died in 2014 so I had 3 more years with her after finally moving back to my home town in 2011). My husband wasn’t happy that I started to do therapy in 1999 to try and deal with the pain of my past. I wish I could have left all of my pain behind without it but that was not to be the way things turned out.

I often blame myself for the ending while knowing on some level we were only fated to travel so far down the road together. When things end I have learned it hurts less if we can let go and surrender gracefully when the writing is on the wall. I didn’t do that in the next relationship either. I also struggled to let go of the pain of my family members as an empath thinking that if only I sacrificed I could heal something. I know on an astrological level its down to the strong watery Neptunian energy in me.

But lately I am feeling I want to let go. Why hold onto something that hurts you? Why keep trying with those who appear not to want to have you in their life? Why not just surrender gracefully? Because it makes you sad and you have to feel the sadness in order to release it. If you are hedging the sadness and trying to push it away you are not paying the coin to the ferry man who needs to take you to the other side of that dark river.

Anyway, often we learn more through hindsight. I am actually also (as I shared in an earlier post) feeling like letting go of therapy. I just want to live in the present now. God knows my past has been full of mistakes and pain but I am so tired of going over it. I really want to move forward and the price of letting go is sadness and grief but that is only part of the process. I also need a growing acceptance that everything worked out as it needed to. I never found it easy to separate emotionally but now it seems that the Universe is demanding that I do. If I really want to be happy.