Dust

Dust is meant to settle

Leaving its fine patina of red

Scattered over everything

We hold dear

Reminding us

That the end is always

Near

No matter how far away

We try to run

Or how often in striving to repair

What was truly broken

We come undone

Some things are just meant to be left

For decay is truly not the end

Even if fear makes us forget

It as a phase

Of a far larger cycle

So there comes a time

Just to stare

Into the dust

And see the beauty

Hidden within the traces it lays

For when dust and ash

Become the current phase

Surrender seems to be the wiser

And more eloquent way

Than the million fruitless ones

We find

To conduct our ongoing argument

With the dust

A lost child : some reflections on life, loss and the inner child

How many of us lose our way back to the heart of the child we once were, to the little one who just ‘was’ or, at least way trying hard to be? I got overcome in the shopping centre today while eating my lunch. While also watching others queue at the salad bar I saw a Mum and daughter dressed from the bottom down in jodhpurs and dusty riding boots. I was drawn to the earthy, groundedness of the two of them and after a while they came to sit near to me amicably chatting and sharing lunch. At the same time I was reading the early chapters of actor, Alan Cummings autobiography in which he shares how his father actively tried not only to steal any joy he and his brother experienced but how he was always forcing the young Alan to do things far beyond his age range capabilities, while inciting him with fear. He forced Alan to ride a tractor before his legs were really long enough to reach the pedals and took the stabilisers off his bike too soon on an ice stretch of road setting him up for a number of falls that resulted in bruises. For some reason both of these things triggered my inner child, I took myself off to the nearby bathroom and had a massive digestive/ panic attack while fighting back tears.

I was thinking of all that I loved that was denied me as a child. I was thinking of how I begged and pleaded for a horse, but both my parents were ‘too busy’ to drive me to ride it. I then wanted a dog and that turned into a big battle I did eventually win, but our dog got hurt and in the end, had to be given away (or maybe my parents lied and had her put down, a thought that only occurred to me recently while watching a movie in which a child was lied to about their dog ‘going to a farm’ but really being euthenaised.)

I still struggle with letting the natural child in me be free just to like what she likes and have healthy boundaries around things, not so good for me I may want. My brother finally called yesterday. The issue of my move came up and I just broke down in tears, he then began pressing me as to whether or not I was in touch with ‘Scott’, my scammer of 2018 -2019. The truth is I have not been replying to latest emails but my brother was like a dog with a bone and wouldn’t let it go, saying over and over and over that he was lying all along and I promised I would not be in touch, which was not true, I only promised I would send no more money and I didn’t.

Anyway during the call my stomach got so tight and I felt like my entire body was in a vice and being scree\wed, its still hard to write about it today without crying. I broke down and told him I was feeling so lost and suicidal lately but I know there is a strong part of me, I just could not seem to access it yesterday. Come to think of it Venus just entered Pisces and I have been feeling water logged emotionally and inundated as well as it is hitting natal Chiron as well and Mars is hitting it too as both planets, Venus and Mars are in a square or challenging aspect for the next week or so.

My sister had tried to call earlier and I missed the call, so I rang her and she was great, she affirmed that she believes the place I am living is more ‘me’ and encouraged me to get the other place on the market. She also offered to go with me to the coast 4 days after my birthday in three weeks, asking if I wanted to take Jasper… which will be fun as he has never gone to the beach before and there is apparently a doggie beach just down from our family town house. This is a big change and partly I felt glad but also partly sad. Sometimes lately I feel its hard to breathe having fallen for a scammer who still affirms they are not a scammer but in the next breathe asks for money again. Why the fuck doesn’t he just let go? But as my brother said he will try to screw me over if I don’t block him completely but blocking is just not something I ever do.

I know that I am not truly stuck in my life, I just feel a bit pinned into place lately. My sister was encouraging me to try to have a break from Canberra, it has been years since I went away any where. I had a painter turn up to do a quote today and then the gardener came briefly but I got overwhelmed again. Part of me wants to be free of earthly burdens but I know its part of life to be grounded in matter, it is just that sometimes this house and the way I came to buy it is soaked through with the taint of ancestral, ‘overdoing’. I am hoping if I get a few things fixed I will be more able to relax here.

The hot dry summer has been tough on all local gardens, stressing over it before the weather changes wont help much. Sometimes i just need to find a way to be comfortable with signs of death, dryness and decay but I am such a water baby I long for moisture and coolness, maybe its why I can never go for too long without shedding some tears.

I was encouraged re reading parts of Bill Hayes book, Insomniac City about his move to New York following the death of his partner Steve from AIDS to read of how he found himself often just breaking randomly into tears on the subway, seeing couples in love, or watching other triggers. In one part of the book which is composed of vignettes he runs into an Asian man who is crying who he tries to help. In the end Bill meets therapist Oliver Sacks and they become lovers and partners. Which makes me realise that as long as their is life, there is hope.

Often loss makes of us better writers, more attuned to the darker side others may ignore, but I always pray such deepening does not come at the cost of losing touch with our wonderful inner child who as a youngster may have experienced his or her path towards joy frustrated, negated or blocked, for a life lived without joy and hope and glimmers of happiness is as meaningless and superficial in the long run, as a life without deeper sorrow.

A way to be free

Sometimes I search to find myself

Within the rubble and broken down mess

Of ages

And then it is I weep

To discover that I was asleep

Or in a kind of trance

For all of these years

As I look back on the past

It seems there are no longer

Any more questions to ask

For I know the answers

And in many ways they cripple me

For there is no new life in the old skin

Anymore for me

What will it take for my soul to be free?

For my caterpillar self to finally

Find her wings

And embrace new life?

For even knee deep

Amidst all of these old bones

I feel the longing for a new home

Calling to me

Maybe both

From deep within

And across the seas

Saying the only question I must now ponder

Is how my soul

Can finally find the way

To new life

A new skin

A new home

To finally discover

A place to be free

Overwhelm and carried pain : today's reflections

Has anyone else felt a major shift since the full moon of Friday (which was also a lunar eclipse) and the Saturn Pluto conjunction meeting the Sun over the past few days? It marks the end of one huge cycle and the full moon often casts buried energies or realisations into sharper focus or relief. Well for me it was major with my natal Saturn Mars Moon which seems to reflect the ancestral inheritance of having to push push push through incredibly emotionally tough situations.

Today my ancestor Thomas came to me in meditation and told me of his own overwhelm but it was yesterday when I arrived at therapy that I had the sense of watching my self as a small being being tossed about on this wild ocean with a very small makeshift cobbled together life raft, not really feeling I had the capacity to steer it in any direction at all, but never the less having managed to stay afloat somehow. I was crying with Kat and saying how tired I feel and how overwhelmed in my house and with the conflict last week with our family friend trying to push me to make a decision about this second property I am to have signed over to me, all my emotions of helplessness and sadness and loneliness as well as those deep feelings of being so emotionally abandoned by my siblings after Mum’s death just rose up like a wave. I know I am not really in a clear place to make decisions about moving or not moving right now. There is stuff to get fixed up in this place and there is really no need to hurry on the second property.

It took going to an OA meeting during which there was brilliant sharing on pausing and making slower more conscious decisions, not as ruled by urgency and fear that made me realise this person is really very addictive herself in her push push push and I know she looks down on me at times.

I often ask myself when my stress hypervigilance response gets triggered “Where is the fire?” usually there isn’t one, its just my thoughts either racing or going toward disaster scenarios. Its just the way my mind and perspective can operate at times, not from a position of abundance, spiritual protection and faith, but my fear and stress and negative thoughts. And Saturn as a energy means trying our best to align with slow solid natural grounded cycles rather than manic human ones.

The fires around us are calming a little in Australia but the inner fire can still rage in me at times. I had an outburst of rage today at my emotionally absent family. I am going to pull back. I see that I expect things of them that are not realistic and having those expectations and hurting myself with the disappointment I feel helps nothing. I read a great quote on anger on the empath page the other day that said anger is making yourself suffer for the mistakes of others, and ITS JUST NOT WORTH IT IN THE LONG RUN.

Yesterday in therapy I realised no one is coming to help me or save me. People make huge promises and then let me down in the end and when I buy into these false promises I am in problems.

I had to set boundaries too around when I talk to Chahir over messenger. It was only late at night he was contacting me due to the time difference between here and Morocco and I was getting to sleep far too late and then he wanted to video chat with me early in the morning. It was exhausting me so I had to stop talking at night time. Taking care of myself means making these tougher decisions and suffering a little from the lack of connection.

At times I still feel like the lonely mountain goat climbing that invisible mountain all alone and in the wilderness of isolation. I can only make sense of it on an inner level and I must sadly admit to having felt suicidal again over past days. I know feelings are not always facts and I have to keep showing up for me by trying to make healthy decisions because in the end it is me who is responsible for my life and my decisions, not anyone else and unconscious ones driven by fear only end up putting me in hot water. That said sometimes the grief I feel of how in struggling to be connected and in this emotionally disconnected family and losing my way to my own needs and desires is enormous. Maybe the transits are showing what needs to die (Pluto) for me in terms of old patterns and behaviours.

We two lovers

Brightness cracks the shell of night

As sunrise wakens me to the delight

Of your sleepy smile

At times like this

All my soul longs to do

Is rest here a little while

Longer with you

Safely enclosed

Inside our heavenly cocoon

Entwining separate selves

Together seamlessly

Within these

Invisible lattice threads of love

Sharing the sense of magic

Only ever fully found

Wrapped up inside

The embrace of a lover

And yet at times like these

It seems to me

Such a painful twisted thing

To have this connection

Torn

And yet time and pressures

Sadly so often bring

Distance between lovers

A rupturing at the seams

As all that lies hidden beneath

Raises its head

When hearts are led to

Deepest dread

Of separation anxiety

And yet

Even in these tender moments

Memory will not let me forget

How triggers stretched our love

So agonisingly tight

Causing pain to transmit its message

Along every sinew and fibre

Which reminds me now

How precious is this gift

Of a morning

Of shared intimacy

The smile I glimpse

Hidden deep within your eyes

Is peppered with flashes of how

Sweet love tasted

Before gaping fissures sprang

From deeper wounds

Splitting you and I asunder

And even now

With the passing of all these years

There are moments

That ever so fleetingly appear

When the memories of those

Deeply precious times

Arise from deep within my soul

Like vapours

As I remember how

Love and laughter

Bathed us both

In joy and happiness

Until our restless demons spoke

Words of hatred for the pain

We suffered in our earlier selves

Pain

We could not manage to contain

And in the end

Drove the deepest wedge

Between us

Two lovers

Scars

Scars remind me where the arrows went in

Piercing me deeply

Breaking open skin

Tearing and bleeding rivers of grief

That flow within

The scars still itch

From where the hurting lived

Reminding me of fires that burned

Awakening me to

Pain and light

Over long days

Through dreamless sleep

Buried beneath dark shadows of night

Scars bore testament to this

Initiation in service of the Self

Bidding me surrender to

The truth of love that burned to live

Most certainly birthed

Through fires of suffering

Inner gold

Here within my own naked hands

Let me hold the precious gift

Of my inner gold

So set upon by tarnish

In the past

Here within the hallowed circumference of my soul

Let me feel the beauty of truth that lives

Deep inside this tender heart

Which often felt so set apart

And know the reason why

Was not aberration

For in seeking to belong

So many times

I lost my way

Pulled in by other wills so strong

They could only obliterate my light

And in accepting the negative projections of those

Who could not see truly into my soul

I believed the lie that I did not belong

Or was somehow, wrong

But now as greater wisdom dawns

Here within the silence

Deeper truths

Truer wisdoms

Dawn

Just like the rising of a sun

And so it is, I hold close to daybreak

As I seek the passage way in

To those inner depths

Where truth and peace and beauty live

For it is here within the silence

I find myself

It is here within the inner peace

I feel my golden spiritual self

Aglow

Severance

When the time came

And white man sought his refuge in the sky

Saying that matter was full of evil

And only the chosen would be saved

What was the travesty of life

That began to be laid

All around us like a heavy blanket

Or a shroud

Dampening wisdom, killing true life?

When the perfectionistic script began to be

The chosen doctrine the righteous laid

Down all around us

Like heavy bricks of an impenetrable prison

Cutting us off from flow

Then the deeper feminine natural way

Of connection to nature and cycles

Began to be lost

At such a terrible, terrible cost

So if we now see so many suffering

Within the ravaged places of a hell

That only human kind

Could create

Seeking refuge in a place of blindness

How will we awaken ourselves from

And heal this :

Severance

Are we not tired of living under the cleaving of the axe

Can we not move forward to embrace

An entirely more holistic way

For nature she is crying out

And it is only we who in turning a deaf ear

With bring about

The torrent of dismay

Of nature.

Burn (A Podcast) : how we have fallen away from nature and how indigenous people can help.

I just finished listening to this enlightening programme which is also available by podcast on cultural burning (or cool burn) practices used by indigenous Australians. It talks of the deep wound of their own forced removal from ‘country’ and how they are longing for the invaders who took their lands to start seeking an understanding of their own traditions and wisdom which involves such a wound of disconnection it has led to the widespread decimation of fires in recent weeks. This is very timely for the upcoming Saturn Pluto conjunction in Capricorn.

Before it is too late

Here amidst the wreckage of broken pieces

And burnt shards

Human kind is weeping

As the awful reality of natural devestation

Is seeping deeper and deeper into the heart

Torn apart as so many are

By the sheer destruction

And loss of life

Animals who once found sanctuary

In Mother Nature

Now lie dead or wounded

And there is no single poetry line

That can tell the full breath and depth

Of the horror of the disaster

That befell Australia

Lessons live amongst the ashes

As illusions are swept away

While some continue with lies

The truth to deny

Of the impact we have made

Surely we must awaken from this

Our severance from the source and rhythm

That nurtures life

Surely we must

Through tears shed

Learn the painful lessons

As mankind’s hubris

Is torn away

Before it really is

Too late