Can we actually bear to embrace the truth
Of things that hurt and wounded
Flawing the outgrowth of a person
Trapping their soul
Like abird in a cage
With wings and heart fastly beating
And breath almost swallowed with pain
Can we deny that the cage was locked
And that the soul then had to wither those muscles
That should have grown strong for flight
Do we blame them
For not being strong enough to fly?
Can we open the door of the cage?
Can we find the hidden or buried key?
Can we recognise that it may take time
And much encouragement
For strength to return?
And if we have not suffered this imprisonment
Can we know how it truely felt
To feel so enslaved?
I just read a blog about a person’s struggle with therapy and with the pain they deal with on a daily basis that needs to be worked through in that context of therapy and with their frustration over the use of certain words and terms. I understand exactly how they feel. I get frustrated at times with concepts, intellecualisations, formulas, and descriptions or pidgeon holes of psychic suffering, the map is not the terrritory and what we suffer cannot always and easily be placed in these boxes. And yet in a world where we have to communicate and interconnect such terms or words or diagnoses are used to make sense of suffering….the problem comes when we identify with them too much and loose that natural spaciousness that is part of our deeper being, soul and who we are in experientia….
I feel the most comfort when I can float within my own ocean and on the days when the seas are not made too choppy by to many mental winds sending up storms of criticism and judgement within then I can, on a day like today just sit quietly feeling myself in the room while being gazed at lovingly by my dog Jasper and feel myself surrounded by peace and love. But only half an hour prior to this my inner critic or ego was on the rampage and I was crying about how I am not a very good mother to this dog, which is not true, what is truer is at times I abandon our world of love and peace for a world and relationships which are often fractured or jarring to me.
I used to think that the problem was in my being ‘too sensitive’ and needing to adapt, to try harder, to be more pleasing but what I am seeing is that when I try to adapt outside of my natural pace then I get lost and because I am highly empathic and intuitive I do absorb energies in the ether which are non physical, such as emotions.
Anway I have had experiences and times when I have turned up at my own therapist feeling frustrated when I was deeply feeling something and being asked to explain what it was. Just how do you find a word for deeper feelings and exactly how can you fully communicate the abject terror, despair, sadness or elation and joy that you feel in response to certain events? Feelings can have such layers and are even not the same as emotions which are never only pure and simple when we try to make sense of them for such an emotion as grief may have sadness in it but also anger and despair. When we start telling ourselves stories about those feelings then we have moved from the deeper felt sense of ‘my heart feels like its in a vice and I cannot breath’ (which is an experience in which tears are being held so deep inside) to thoughts such as : ‘this should not have happened, would not have happened if I had not done x y or z!’ which just ends up making us feel much much worse and may end in depression or even suicide.
Sometimes I feel its best just to sit with ourselves and try to touch base with our inner world quietly, tuning in. In my experience all of our restless seeking out there for the critical support or emotional connection which may be lacking can a lot of the time, detract us from the source of inner peace inside. That is not to say we should isolate and never connect with other humans, at times when we do it works and we feel connected but of course at others it does not and then we may need just to withdraw and return within in order to befriend our own aching heart.
Being our own best friend, may sound like a truism to some but if we don’t have our own love and ability to be present to what is arising inwardly even in abject pain (which I KNOW is very hard at times) we won’t ever really find true healing, comfort, and peace.
Peace is found within my own life
Within my own heart
No longer torn into the distraction of
Ten Thousand Things
That pull me away from the
Inner knowing of my own soul
Too long I believed the lie
That who I was depended upon what I had
To show or prove to you
I was so mistaken
Peace is found when I know deeply
The rhythms and byways of my own being
When I have come to understand all the causes and conditions
That led me to here
To this silent place
Where I feel worlds within worlds within worlds
And know myself to be fully alive
In the deepest centre
Of my own life and soul
I have just read the beautiful extract below in John O’Donohue’s book Eternal Echoes : Exploring Our Hunger to Belong. The hurts that lodge in our body and soul from never being truely loved can run so deep, some of us try to deny them but never the lesss they are there and yet there is a flow of love we can find within, an inner wellspring that we may have to suffer to find through long nights of betrayal or abandonment. When it awakens in us we are never again truely alone.
“One of the deepest longings in the human heart, is the desire to be loved for yourself alone. This longing awakens you completely. When you are touched by love, it reaches down into your deepest fibre. It is difficult to realise actually how desperately we need love. You inhabit your life. You seem to be in control. You live within an independent physical body. From the outset, you seem to be managing very well. Because you present this face to the world, no one suspects that you have a different ‘inner body’ called the heart which can do nothing for itself if it is not loved. If our hearts were outside our bodies, we would see crippled bodies transform into ballet dancers under the gaze, and in the embrace, of love. It is difficult to love yourself, if you are not first loved. When you are loved, your heart rushes forward in the joy of the dance of life. Like someone who has been lost for years in a forgotten place, you rejoice in being found. When you are discovered, then you discover yourself. This infuses your whole life with new vigour and light. People notice a difference in you. It is nice to be around you. Love somehow transfigures the sad gravity of life. The gloom lifts and your soul is young and free. Love awakens the youthfulness of the heart. You discover your creative force. It is quiet touching to see love bring someone home so swiftly to themselves. The Connemara poet Catlin Maude writes:
His little beak
Under his wing
The thrush of our love
Even without the outside lover, you can become the beloved. When you awaken in appreciation and love for yourself, springtime awakens in your heart. Your soul longs to draw you into love for yourself. When you enter your soul’s affection the torment ceases in your life. St Bonaventure says in The Journey of the Mind to God : ‘Enter yourself, therefore, and observe that your soul loves itself most feverently.’
This image really tickled my fancy when I found it on google search a week or so ago. 🙂