Emerging From The Dark Night

My time in AA doing a personal inventory made me always try to examine my motives when things go wrong. This recent conflict really dug up deep emotions, to the other person my reactions obviously appeared extreme if I was then to be labelled ‘sick’. I was reading up today on martyrdom and how sometimes doing something kind may have an investment in it. I have really deeply examined my heart and truly I feel the comment I made was not badly intended or given out of any other motive that to sincerely help, but it was not wanted and triggered pain for the person.

I am sorry that the whole incident went further with me at 3 am posting in order to try and sort it out. I took the post down as soon as I knew it had caused pain but honestly in it I was not malicious in any way, I was only struggling to understand, but I went over boundaries in that too which was wrong. The later fall out just triggered me big time and I kept posting but the more I did the worse things became til now the friendship is not retrievable which is perfectly understandable. but to be labelled as I was really was hurtful and I am glad I had therapy that morning in order to sort things, if not the email I received could have put me back in a suicidal place again.

I have learned an important lesson about the kinds of comments I leave on posts. I try to be supportive but sometimes I must over step the mark, or at least did in this case. And then I didn’t really get it because my head was scrambled due to what Peter Walker calls ‘the abandonment melange’ a profound mixture of sadness and anxiety and fear and feelings of powerlessness over the other’s reactions that led to other actions. I am in a clearer space now and I see the part I played in things. Its not easy with PTSD when we are triggered, I don’t know if others who have not had intense abandonment would really understand how it feels when those feeling are triggered again. My experience is that for years for me they were pretty much uncontainable and its only been the later 5 years of very good therapy which has helped me to sort the wheat from the chaff.

In my last relationship I was accused of all kinds of things, I was messy, screwed up, sucked in to a family vortex (probably true, as I did come from a very enmeshed and then also disengaged family). I was insecure and too ‘needy’ of someone who had better things to do with his time and this is all true, as a result of emotional neglect I was scarred and relationships became mine field for me. I did not know how to express my needs or feelings appropriately because my mother never did either, she would just erupt or make disgusted faces and Dad would walk off just laughing at her.

But I also know that in my recovery I am trying the best that I can to heal pr understand and grieve or mend all of these scars. I may project my need for help at times on others because I am human. I will always be empathic because of what I went through but I may not always know what others are feeling and experiencing if and when I project. That was a mistake that I made which I now need to own. I did the best I could but in the end it was a bit misguided and I have learned from it, so painful as the weekend was for me I am also not lying when I say I am deeply grateful for the lesson.

Meanwhile, Back in 91

March 19, 2019March 20, 2019 emergingfromthedarknightLeave a comment

A find this post so raw and real, it speaks so deeply to the struggle to find and reclaim the True Self with all the confusion and pain that entails. This spoke to and moved me so much. Just had to share 💞

The Written Addiction

It was right around this time. I knew something was about to happen. I had not gone all in, just yet.
I had gone back to old behaviors and used old defense mechanisms. I went back to the old coping skills of my previous life. Essentially, I went back to the old me because in the simplest terms, I failed to maintain the new person I had become.

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Sandpaper

March 19, 2019March 19, 2019 emergingfromthedarknight2 Comments

I felt myself reaching for you

But there was sandpaper on your skin

And my soul was grazed by the touch

Sensing how it was for you far too much

And how much pain you were in

I am sorry now I could not understand

That what you needed was not what I

Could give

Then

I will take it as another failure

Yet another reminder of my sin

Of how I felt short

Again

Although I tried my best

Sometimes hearts

Just cannot connect

No matter what the intent

And sometimes things are too painful

For affection to flow

In the direction or form we wish

That love would go

In the end

March 19, 2019March 19, 2019 emergingfromthedarknightLeave a comment

I hope to keep you always alive in memory

I remember so often our later years

Sitting hand in hand

Me pottering around dusting your room

Laden with your own memories

Of how we sang and laughed

And of that wicked way you had

I remember the dead flowers you loved to keep

And how ferocious you became

When Mum wanted to discard them

(Having been wounded one too many times

by her perfectionism.)

You were a different breed

Strong and brave and brazen and free

Never able to accede totally

To restrictions placed upon you

And I remember when you said

Never Never Never Never Never

Let anyone else try to tell you how to live

And I remember as autumnal afternoons draw in

The call that came to say

It was getting close to the end

So many things we did not get to share

With me often still

Holding you at arms length

But for me you are never far away

And whenever I remember you

Inside my mind I hear your voice

Drawing close to me

Bringing reassurance

To me with these words you said

Everything will work out for good

In the end

Protected: Frightened

March 19, 2019 emergingfromthedarknight

For my sister

March 19, 2019March 19, 2019 emergingfromthedarknight2 Comments

You are my sister.

I love you so much.

I am so very glad that we are in touch.

And now I see things so very differently.

I know the struggle you have had, to be yourself and be free.

I know it was never easy for either of us

And as the youngest one I saw a lot

But also there were times

I was too young to truly understand

What was going on

(only being able to see through a child’s eyes.)

But now that we can share like this heart to heart.

It means so very much to me.

For now I believe you are not only sister.

But my friend.

And very old tears and hurts and misunderstandings

Are starting to mend.

As I see the love you tried to give to me.

And how deeply you struggled

With your own limitations and misunderstandings.

Protected: Walking along the waterway

March 19, 2019March 19, 2019 emergingfromthedarknight

A time for letting go

March 19, 2019March 19, 2019 emergingfromthedarknight7 Comments

Care and you will be torn apart

Sometimes

For isn’t that love

Care and at times it will be hard to walk away

When no other supports are in place

Surely you are not the redeemer

But if someone is sinking and it wont take you down

Totally

Maybe just for a while you can be a life boat

For if the person drowns

How would you feel

Now I know it is said

Put your oxygen mask on

Before you help another

But often while struggling to breathe

I sensed the breathlessness of someone else

And reached out a hand over the divide

And nearly got pulled under

As I struggled so hard to keep at least one foot

On dry land

And this battle to keep standing

Is not over yet

Surely there will be a time

To loosen the threads

Binding me to

What is not mine to heal

A way to understand

That as much as we desire to stand

Hand in hand

There is a time for letting go