It hurt

It hurt

You left me alone in it

I had to deny the pain

So as not to upset you

That was selfish

It was unfeeling

And yet I blamed me too

When you refused to acknowledge the truth

So many years

Of trying to get you to see my pain

How could you

When you were numb to yours

Well I am not that confused

Lonely

Desperate little girr

Any more

The way you treated me was shit

Even worse was

The way I put up with it

Numbing it

Denying it

But no more because the truth is

The trauma hurt like hell

But your denial of it

Was the real killer!

spinning

thoughts in my head

constantly spinning a web

these threads feel as though they need

to loosen

sick of feelings of dread that come with

the thought you do not see me

know me

love me

I am not even important to you

who cares

all thoughts

who knows what is true

the rising heat

burns my feet

As I watch the world spin too

everyone scared to stand still

looking for relief

as axes of worlds shift

madness seems close

angels argue with ghosts

emptiness becomes

a place of uncertainty

but also repose

and as the mind spins

the world turns upon its axis

does anyone really know the truth of

things

we only suppose

for life is endlessly flowing

never still

always rearranging itself

to a greater will

and as part of this creation

we too

must

spin

around the center of all of these ideas

as our becoming traces a path

around a circumference

that endlessly shifts

unwinding the convoluted soul threads

weaving our being

in tune to the dance

letting go of the trances

that limit us

Ending an abusive relationship with ourselves.

Offering our total self loving kindness is the best step we can take to end a pattern of internalised persecution or abuse we absorbed growing and being rejected for certain parts of ourselves. I have just been watching a Buddhist video on five sense meditation.. I like the practice as it helps to engage the senses in our body, through eye movements, holding active points near our ears and also using a humming or vibrating sound.. and while I was watching the video the following prompt came up.

Engaging in a Buddhist practice is ending an abusive relationship with yourself.

The issue of self abuse came up again in therapy today.. I began to see what a hard time I had been giving myself over ‘mess’ which is nothing less than just the shambolic style of what life is when it unfolds naturally.. Kat made the comment that all of my conditioning seems to operate to consign me to a narrow box in which I was almost unable to breathe. I can see this with retrospect.. If I make any movements to get out of the box I punish myself and sometimes I am punished for calling attention to the box.. the box becomes particularly narrow and painful when I do not witness my true self and authentic reactions but judge them as they were judged in the past and continue to feel fear of being judged if I am real.

Kat also made the point today that too often in the therapy room I concentrate on reading my posts rather than being with her in the feelings, she said that due to the amount of rejection I have experience in my life, I almost come to expect it and then I keep my distance from others or I treat myself in a self rejecting way as a result. She mentioned that she had begun to see a change in this regard recently. I pause more between reading and let myself be with her and with the uprising of feeling. she pointed out that this has always felt very unsafe for me in the past.. That rang true.

The anti-dote to self abuse or self rejection is self compassion and self witnessing in allowing from the higher self.. It is also about allowing ourselves not to dissociate from the body and open even to the painful symptoms that may be calling for our attention… Self compassion lies in the ability to be with and witness in tenderness and openness the arising of all states while not judging them or splitting off… It is not something I am very good at but I have determined to make this my practice over the coming week… A quiet time in meditation helps me, just sitting or lying with nothing else going on and also connecting more with Jasper in the present moment, Jasper helps to bring me into present time which is where children and animals naturally live.. A place adults so often abandon.

I bought a book on animal communication a while back but I have not read it (this often happens).. It was interesting to read it today and know how telepathically connected our dogs can so often be to us.. According to research Pea Horsley quotes in the book dogs can pick up telepathically when an owner is heading home..

Jasper tends to seek out his own protected space if I spend too much time on technology.. At night I am switching of television and computers to be with him or just sit outside.. A lot of emotion flowed out when I allowed myself to do this last night.. It really was so nice just to allow myself to ‘be’ with myself and let those emotions out.. I didn’t even have to write them out, just be with them..taking some of them to therapy..This self compassion practice feels nurturing to me. It feels like just what is needed lately after a time where I have felt so much frustration over and with external influences.

I am understanding how alone my inner child felt with all of these feelings and that it is adult me that must be there now for that part of me.. She really does need the whole of my love, time and attention. all the things my parents and siblings could not give to me. When the critic starts hammering me I really need to protect her more.

On writing : Virginia Woolf

It’s all rhythm, once you get that you cannot use the wrong words. An emotion creates a wave in the mind long before you have the words to describe it. When writing that is what you want to capture, that wave that breaks and tumbles in the mind, if you listen you will find the words.

Virginia Woolf

Vita and Virginia

Uncertainty

Sometimes I just weep for the person I was

I was not really alive

Or even aware of myself

And even lately

This waking up experience

It isn’t pleasant

At all.

What a mess!

Can I love it anyway

Can I let myself be

Ragged around the edges

Not all sewn together

Falling apart a little or a lot

Drowning at times

In high tides of uncertainty

The Buddhists say

We never stand on solid ground

Anyway

Impermanance being the only certainty

So I will let the weeping tides rise

Until they wash away dismay

I will let the mess be

And say to the one inside me who always stumbled

Tenderly

Its okay my love

Not to know the answers

Or to have it all

Together.

Bathed in dread

I seem to be being bathed in dread this afternoon.. I keep tidying sorting out the fridge and things seem to get even messier, I am consumed by thoughts of how i fucked up and in the midst of this I am cooking dinner.. The bodily pressure has been intense this afternoon, I started to cry a moment ago and it felt like everything was being squeezed out of me.. Its so hot and I am ambivalent about eating, know I will have a reaction as soon as I eat.. I had to write something to calm my mind down.. When I clean out the fridge I am overcome by the amount of packaging that accompanies food these days, how can we go on consuming like this and it not have an impact on the planet?. I also haven’t seen anyone socially since Wednesday, could be a good thing though.. apart from people serving me in the shops.. at times I have thoughts like “what has it all been for?” “What is the true purpose and meaning of my life?” In a moment of sanity a while ago I just had to remind myself its okay just to be living and being, not to get too caught up in my head with all of these thoughts going nowhere.

Writing helps.. I know its not earth shattering stuff but I truly felt I was losing my grip on reality and sanity before sitting down to write this..My body has also not been the same since I had that breakdown last week when I could not walk. The last SOT treatment hasnt helped me sleep as much, my body went a bit haywire after it..

I am also in a lot of apprehension over the Scott issue.. I’ve looked so long to him for my grounding, connection and purpose what do I do now that I am choosing not to interact with him as much? Anyway answers will come in time, I just need to stay open to what I am feeling and if it feels like its crushing me I just have to find a way to survive the pressure.. this could be a Saturn transit… it’s heavy this afternoon I feel like I am seeing through a host of illusions I could not see before.. Like waking up from a bad dream to find a storm has blown through and upended everything.

the trouble we are in

do we really want to take an honest look

at the trouble we are in

how many more ways are we going to find

to run from truth

there is undeniable proof

if only we would open our bodies and eyes

stop believing in so many false Gods

and liars

frying our brains

denying we feel the pain

of ages awakening

making the ones who give it voice

into the source of

all our problems

exiling them

so we do not have to face

any truth too real

that bringing discomfort

threatens to steal

or tear away

our cloak of illusion

all so we can avoid the meltdown

of an honest to God encounter

with the tangled roots

of our human

delusions

The deep place beyond need

I just read a lovely post by Mark Lanesbury and it was about how many of our ‘needs’ lead us astray.. It also spoke of dwelling in the place beyond all of that need where we feel full, complete, whole, where nothing is really lacking.. I had a brief moment of finding this when I cut Kik app contact with Scott last night.. I thought today of how when he roped me in again last March I woke with surges of energy all through my body.. It was not peaceful the re-engagement, it was his energy body pulling on me with need and I had that need awakened through projection but it has not led me anywhere close to peace of mind and heart and body especially over the final months of 2020.

Centering within in meditation we touch this place of deeper inner connection beyond superficial hungers and needs, a place where we can feel connected and also feel spiritual love from other sources flow in should we open our being to them. I find I get in touch with this space most often in the late afternoon.. I like the feeling of fullness that comes in touching base with this place of deeper connection.. I can connect to others almost better from this place because often modern life lately just seems so driven and fraught and sometimes if they are not present it just feels lonelier than before.. In that case I would have felt more nurtured by finding ways to connect inwardly and fill up from within.

Soul longing and hungers will always exist,there is even a Buddhist writer Alan Epstien who encourages us to be open to desire, but when desire is frustrated or blocked that is when we most need to let go and reach within to deeper sources lest we be led astray outwardly on a wild goose chase that only seems to end in depletion and exhaustion.

When helping you is hurting me

I want my life

My peace and calm back

I gave you love

You asked the world

So many times I said no

You kept on pushing me

But i let it happen somehow

Sometimes I hate myself

For not loving myself better

How did I let this happen?

Let you empty me out?

Did I really have so little regard for myself

But now my NO is NO

You need to fucking hear it

I don’t care if I have to go on alone

At least I will have my Self

Stop trying to steal it from me

With all of your promises.

Fear of death, fear of things being out of control

There is a breathlessness within me lately.. It could be a response to the rising summer heat, we really had a reprieve for most of December, day temps stayed low but over the past week they are soaring again, when my PTSD is bad and sleep irregular (as it has been since seeing that violent movie on Wednesday) sometimes I cannot manage to walk Jasper.. I am trying to accept I balance it all out in the long run.. I get him out most days even if its later due to heat being to intense and remorseless. the heat really brings up a lot of fear for me, especially as I see how parched the landscape is becoming. it feels like we are facing the end of days.. have we gone too far with our rampant materialism and inability to slow down that we have well and truly fucked up the planet?

In any case, writing is calming for me.. It helps me externalise thoughts, many of which may be baseless fears… I had so much rage bursting out of me today over what I have allowed Scott to put me through since June 2018. I really expressed my anger to him on Friday night, its burning me up. If my brother knows we are still in touch he may use that to block my inheritance, I was so financially secure when I met Scott.. I lived within my means. Today I felt as though I was waking from a bad dream and the anger was intense.. I ended up kicking cupboards and poor old Jasper was cowering out near the hedge.. I have never done that kind of violence to my dog…though I hate to say sometimes I have shaken him.

I was listening to a program on PTSD in the police force on Friday and the man interviewed spoke of how most of his colleagues never spoke about the tense and disturbing or traumatic things they saw and had to deal with each day, often just using booze to bury them.. He began to breakdown and explode at a certain point and had to stop working (Just like me). He says now he is more aware of the anger he tries to spend loving down time with his children… he has had to do a lot of work to understand the long range effects of being around so much stress and make necessary changes.. There is a limit to what one human being can cope with, no matter how ‘strong’ we are.

The thing that really enraged me on Friday was I was so vulnerable with our accountant, I was almost pleading for money rightly belonging to me to be released.. I was nearly crying when I told him I could not walk last week but i dont think he understood.. I just feel so fucking invisible right now.

I cut the Kik app again last night.. I want my fucking money back. None of this has been fair.. Scott’s promises.. I know its not his fault the military wont let him go until he pays the final amount for the Security Clearance Certificate, but I WANT MY LIFE BACK….I’ve been caught up in his FUCKING KARMA AND SHIT FOR TOO LONG. THAT IS WHAT OFTEN HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WITH THE SOUTH NODE IN AQUARIUS.. OUR ALTRUISM AND KIND HEART JUST ENDS UP REBOUNDING ON US..WE TRY TO HELP AND GET SUCKED DRY.. I AM JUST SO FUCKING ROPABLE ABOUT IT AT PRESENT..

Mars is going to be squaring my Venus Sun square to Neptune over the next week or too.. I am going have to pace my anger.. I need to stay as calm as I can while not glossing over the anger I feel brewing like Vesuvius in side of me.. its time to be real and not longer sucked up in romantic BS illusions.. Sorry to be blunt but I have had a gut full of it all today.

LInk I just found on panic/fear of death and their relation to the Schmann Resonance

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