Breathing

There are times it haunts me

The way I feel about love and longing

Where to find the answer for questions

Your soul feels it’s too difficult to ask

Another living being

Was I was always a stranger to this world?

Always trying to find a way to be connected

In a world that is too busy

Maybe its just the way life is meant to be

Maybe I will never be able to fully share my life with another

Maybe silence is my only resting place

So for now I will just let go

Surely it is enough to breathe

In and out in and out

As nature rests its weary head

After another day of restless human striving

As I try to remember what it is my soul really needs

And how sweet it is

To simply be alive

And breathing

Chains

Sometimes these chains around me

Make breathing hard

In the man made world where preservation

Over rides joy

There was a time I could dance

with gay abandon

There was a time when

the simplicity of stars

was enough to bring my heart alive

Here out in the open air

I feel the presence

of nature’s soothing

There in your man made worlds of electronic heat

I sense all of my breath

disappearing

as you speak of things

that bind my being in chains

So if silent tears fall

don’t ask me to speak of it

even though I try

Just set me free

to leave

so I find may the open space

where I can breathe

a healing breath

and simply be

Nature is regenerating : morning reflections

It seems to me that when we refuse the dark phase of the natural cycle we cut off life’s regenerative power. It is a sad fact that in our Western society grief is not acknowledged and rituals passed through that would allow the feelings of sadness in moving through us, to help us move on with loss.. In the novel I am reading Nothing But Blue Sky after the plane crash which kills his wife, David tries his best to come to terms with, not only his grief, but all the ways his own avoidant pattern due to bullying and remote parents with many issues, affected his marriage.. Sadly his wife’s father remains trapped in frozen grief. Since Mary Rose died in a plane crash, he gears his days around researching the crash and seeking some form of resolution. Mary Rose’s mother suffers her grief all alone due to his fixation. David looks on at both with compassion and comes to meet a woman he and his wife used to see on holidays in Spain who loses her two children as well as he navigates the winding pathway of his own grief journey

I could not help but think how silently grief is often carried in this culture and masquerades under all other kinds of emotions, reactions and behavior. I had a friend reach out to me last week to let me know her elderly father died.. She was the one who avoided me when my Godfather passed in 2004 and I tried to tell her of the grief of Dad it was bringing up. She just avoided me for weeks on end. At the time it really hurt and she was the one who shamed me in the final years of my addiction and told me if I didn’t stop drinking she would cut me out of her life. She did apologise in later years. By some weird stroke of fate (or due to retrograde planets) her Facebook message to tell me her Dad had died did not get to me until 5 days later. I tried to call her immediately but have not heard back as yet… But I could tell from her message that she knew I knew the territory having faced the death of my own father in my early 20s.

Our failure to acknowledge those in grief makes, for those of us undergoing it, grieving even harder. That said if we can acknowledge our loss and give ourselves the love it does help. When Mum passed away in 2017 I knew I was going to be pretty much all alone with it, apart from therapy and my blog. I notice that due to the fact I share about grief here I do bond with others going through it all. And grieving can be so complex and tied in with other issues… There can be an anger that we carry from childhood that may be about grief over the loss or absence of available attachments we needed and were not even allowed to know we needed.

For myself I didn’t get to really start grieving the loss of my Dad until 2001 (Now many years later I have had to grieve also what he could not give me due to his own past trauma). From 2001 onward is when my whole life began to tear apart as part of me sensed I needed to be close to family but (in a difficult situation that is so complex) even if I was close to them they would bat back my feelings every single time finding them impossible to cope with.. So it was when Phil (my last partner) and I broke up around Dad’s death anniversary, Mum and I fought as she told me I had no right to carry grief and I ran away again to Sydney and got involved in several more very wounding attachments until I came home again six months later. That in itself was an exact repeat of what happened after Dad died on 8 January 1985.

Unresolved grief lives at the very heart of my family story.. I feel sad when I see all the reports and notifications of death by violence from News International that come through my phone. Yes, I know there is violence in the world but it seems to me that it grows bigger when we refuse grief and need and feeling expression, and also fail to get the necessary acknowledgement of deeper feelings we carry or act out. I look to the outfall from 9/11 which happened during the opposition of Saturn and Pluto (both of which rule trauma, cut off and death) and think how different things might have been if America grieved and was humble in the face of it all instead of flying off half cocked and seeking retribution.

In dealing with my own complex grief I have had to face that there are very few places I can go with it. I know often I will be shamed. Told ‘to move on’. Told so many things that don’t make sense. But only now do I know that treatment was NOT LOVING, NOT KIND, NOT EMPATHIC. It seemed for so long I was not even allowed to know that. I also know that people who end up as scapegoats will be shame dumped and their inner feelings not recognised.. They may even be demonised for carrying feelings the culture or family or society never allowed. They most often end up as the addicted one or ‘identified patient.’

After the head injury in June 2005 when I sought refuge in Glastonbury, UK in a B and B I met two lovely guys on a very spiritual pathway.. One of them said to me one day. “you know Deborah it seems to me you have the heart of a Sufi, you know well the pain and suffering of the world and you have a heart large enough to contain it.” They also recommended a lecture on grief to me in which the person giving the talk said that in a loving community if someone was outside of themselves in grief or rage, drinking or drugging or falling down in the street, in that community they would be EMBRACE IN LOVE AND GIVEN A PLACE TO BE AND REST. They would not just be shame dumped and pushed away from all love and care. This means their would be insight into and compassion shown for their desperate struggle, or plight.

Sad to say what I see when grief is dumbed down or even silenced with various medications is that that grief get internalised and buried.. When it fails to transform and be moved via speaking of it, writing, dancing or feeling it lies undigested and even lodges in cell tissue as cancer and then our very cells fail to regenerate. What is needed is for grief to find a voice and sometimes just to be embraced in love and self compassion deep within the cavern of the heart..Trying to deny it is there, running around seeking outside ‘fixes’ or cures does not help.. We need in many ways to kneel to grief but also to let it flow out…and even drain away into the earth..Nature is a great container for grief.. I cannot count the number of times a brisk walk has helped me to move my grief out in tears… Today the gardener and I had a lovely conversation about how, at the moment, we see nature renewing itself. After a harsh year of fires last year we now are getting so much rain and nature is loving it. On our walk today I trotted with Jasper through waist high wild flowers that were not there last week, and those multitudes of yellow daisies.. I have never in the past years of being back here in my home town seen so many….

I think we need to start focusing less on disaster scenarios for the world and human beings and more on love… less on the destruction of the planet (lest we create a self fulfilling prophecy). I think for our healing we need more time of slowing down and taking comfort in the healing nature so freely and abundantly provides. I thought today on my walk after another morning of fraught texts with Scott where he slammed me for lack of trust issues how full of love nature is. Its no wonder the traumatised seek refuge there.. To me it seems split off humans are always demanding something to feed their hungry egos, but the cure of lovelessness does not lie in other people, it resides in nature, in the healing love of compassion and self compassion freely given, as well as deep inside our soul quest.

I know this is just my reality right now.. but give me nature any day.. Nature knows how to be itself, it is not instinct injured.. The tree sheds leaves when it is time. The seed sheds its husks.. So must we.. Life is in a constant state of building up only break down again so a new phase can begin.. So why can’t we humans take our lessons from nature as indigenous peoples used to do and do the same? Why struggle so hard to hold on when really what is being asked of us is to live, feel, surrender and allow the letting go and regeneration of life force as it wants to move through us in grief in a natural way of flow.

How I Let Go of Shame

A lovely video on releasing ourselves from shame and the silent pain of abuse.

I'm Just Jason

Shame is the most debilitating feeling we all carry inside of us. It’s the underlying feeling that we’re most afraid to tap into because shame tells us that we’re not good enough, we’re unworthy or we are failures. It leaves us in a state of paralysis, preventing us from engaging in meaningful relationships and from putting our best foot forward. Carrying shame is like wearing a mask, covering up all our insecurities, fears and self-doubt. When anyone gets too close to us, shame lashes out in the form of anger, resentment and bitter resentment.

But, it’s not all doom and gloom. If we rack up the courage to lean into our discomfort (aka shame), shame, can no longer exist. We live freely, without fear of judgement and find a path of less resistance.

Here’s 3 tips on how I let go of shame:

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It’s always flowing…

Another beautiful poem. ❤ Love is flow.

AllysoAlly

“This love is actually part of you; it is always flowing through you. It’s like the subatomic texture of the universe, the dark matter that connects everything. When you tune in to that flow, you will feel it in your own heart—not your physical heart or your emotional heart, but your spiritual heart, the place you point to in your chest when you say, “I am.”
Ram Dass,Be Here Now

I’ve been imprinted
by a love,
more beautiful than this,

in fields
of wildflowers
I was tenderly
kissed…

enchanted
by the sweetness
of fresh morning dew,
I found
my bearings
in a pleasant
rendezvous…

and love’s ambrosia
poured out over me,
in holy
consent
from the earth’s treasury…

flowing,
moving,
helping me thrive,
into love’s cosmic ocean
I joyfully dive…

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Connected

Truths are known

In the heart

In the silence

After the crowded room

Has been vacated

There is a place that calls to you

Hungry for your attention

Sometimes all the distractions of modern living

Pull you away from this place

Which is your source

Here you find worlds, within worlds, within worlds

And can trace every single step of the journey of your soul

That led you to here

Do not fear

The aloneness and the silence

Draw near to it

In this place you are not ever

Set apart from others

For here within this ocean

Your soul and mine

Are always

Deeply connected

Thanks for seeing me ; some thoughts

It always lovely to be ‘seen’ and ‘got’. A friend I really respect a lot told me along time ago she feels most mental illness comes from not being seen, understood or ‘got’.. It can happen and it happens a lot in families. In mine I got the message continually ‘something was wrong with me.’ I was ‘too deep’, ‘needed to lighten up’, and in later years as my unresolved history started to break free would have been better ‘being with people and getting a day job!” That one really cracks me up today as I consider it and I think of others struggling with judgement from families who were chose for the soul pathway..

Awakening to it all takes time.. Reading back my inner journals earlier I felt the understandings emerging.. I was struggling being with family after getting sober, my brother actually thought I wasnt drinking in late 1993 as I was pregnant. What a rude shock for him when I stopped drinking.. I thank my lucky stars for sobriety to be honest.. I didn’t stay ‘in the rooms’ for all of my sobriety but I thank God for the 6 years of active involvement that included running a Wednesday lunch time meeting for many months. I seem to be sharing a bit about AA lately as its coming up to my birthday.. so I notice at this time of year I get pulled back into a lot of retrospection, that goes along with transiting Mercury retrograde too.

I just had a little break while writing this to read some posts and was so moved by the sharing of a person’s grief over the loss of her son, an Indigo Child.. When I read what Ally wrote about “indigos” it resonated with me and actually made me cry.. I thought too of my niece who I believe to be one.. I now know not ‘fitting in’ is par for the course with me. I do find places where my deep soul feels at home.. I think of all the love I have continued to give family who struggled but I also realise that I have a gift to be able to have sustained myself on the realisation that medication and misdiagnosis was never a good path for me.

Learning to accept and love my sensitive nature and not side against it in a world so often cruel or antagonistic towards depth, inward attunement and sensitivity has taken time. It strikes me as such a sad thing I came to feel such shame for just being who I was.. My trying to ‘fit in’ only ending up hurt me…I wasn’t made to live in a box and I have to be careful of the pulls of those who in ‘drowning’ seem to want to try and take me down sometimes… We each have a responsibility to help but not to take on what is not our karma.. When I do that its very bad for me as its going against the natural law. In my opinion. And we all have a right to be seen. If others won’t do it, lets us not erase aspects of ourselves just to feel ‘safe.’

I struggle

Today has been a bit of a tough one. I took the choice to engage with Scott over text.. it hasn’t been going well.. I end up having to defend my position over suspicion and mistrust and I am feeling a lot of resentment lately over things.. I know these ‘things’ are often just the way life rolls but my frustration at circumstances and underhand pressure to help comes out in a barrage. This boundary setting is new to me and when others get a case of the ‘poor me’s’ the adult part of me just wants to scream. “Suck it up” cause God no one in my life is helping right now and that includes Jasper..

It was touch and go taking him out to the lake today, I did so and he ended up rolling in a pile of something disgusting.. this is such a trigger for me and I lost it. but I could see myself loosing it.. I got him home and into the bath and just broke down in floods of tears he looked at me with concern and a drowned dog ‘sorry’. Sometimes it seems such a struggle in life all alone but I need to remember these are only first world problems.

Being alone has been the way forever.. Its been 3 fucking years almost of trying to help someone and when they expect more it kills me but part of me thinks “why not?” its what I was put on earth for and maybe its all just a case of the Universe attracting me to mirrors of hidden dependency needs. That said there is magical thinking and wrong perception. Maybe as an empath I can live a full life alone and I don’t feel like forking out money for alcohol for a bloody birthday celebration when I do not even drink. Part of me thinks its bloody selfish of him to expect it.. My therapist agrees.

Sometimes just writing helps me put it all in perspective. I am a bloody good person and I care but that can be my achilles heel, a lot of the time (this is apparently a Chiron in Pisces persons’ problem). I never got necessary empathy in all the painful years I struggled after Dad died, being sent to one side of the world only to return, move away again as Mum was busy and had remarried and then be judged by a sibling who saw me one day sitting in the gutter by the pub at 6 am on morning on her way to the airport in a taxi after a Sydney visit. God did they know how I struggling? How alone I was? How unsuited I was for the career Dad forced me into? At that point you did not argue with a father whose word was gospel. It was a different world and men fucking made the rules!!

Despite this I punished myself for years, even into sobriety. Apparently my wound was God sized and only God could fill it.. What bullshit. I needed empathy and help. I do believe in a higher power, I believe it got me sober but some of the rubbish I had heard in AA meetings and from older sober members does not make sense. That said a lot does.

Its interesting to read my early sober journal. In 1993 a few months after attending AA and starting on my 12 step journey I wrote my trauma history out in detail but it was an intellectual exercise, the healing had to come with therapy and battling through in a family riven with separations, trauma and long range attachment wounds fuelled by ancestral grief and the struggle to survive. Thank God for Al Anon that told me the alcoholic was NOT TO BLAME. And I put both alcohol and drugs down years ago.. But getting to grip with the hidden issues takes time…

Sometimes it feels silence is the best way to go.. If I get hooked by a text lately it pretty soon goes into a downward spiral. I doubt everything and that is my nature, I see it is my wound. That said what I have been subjected too since June 2018 has not been fair. I may be getting my money back but its not just about money.. As my therapist says, so often money is a stand in for something else and in our family money was not the problem (apart from the money Dad and my brother borrowed offshore that got them in so much hot water) it was more an issue of time and attention and connection.. missing all of the time

I know I can fill myself from within. And I don’t like it when I am having a dispute with someone I care about. That said I don’t feel I should have to carry all the burden at this stage. Don’t even know what the point is of writing. But I do just need to remember to breathe.. Despite washing Jasper there is a lingering aroma of duck pooh around me right now.. that brings a smile to me right now, really and I can even laugh a bit about freaking out.. but what is real is the simmering frustration and longing that comes out sideways.. maybe I will always live with it, always struggle in my closest human relationships.

Barricades : morning reflections

Today I feel a thousand hoof beats of repressed life and love thundering in my cells. Transiting Mercury in Scorpio started stirring up all kinds of memories last night of old loves. And I then opened my 1993 journals to read around the time I found sobriety.. There were so many dreams opening me to emotional truths and I was already battling in my marriage with the emotional lock down in my partner. Truth is I knew so little at that point but my inner child began to open her hearts and fears and longings to me almost immediately.. Today I feel that open hearted innocent of a child before her heart got fractured and torn about by human relationships. I see the confusion in that young part and I hold her hand through the storm.

Yesterday was a very busy active day with therapy, a lunch out then shopping, I came home and tidied out the fridge after doing groceries, sat down for a while to read and have a cup of tea before taking Jasper out for a late afternoon walk. I then got so busy in the garden clearing out weeds and pruning some overgrowth back. But I was flooded then with two things : firstly the head trauma and the vibrational imprints in my cells as this is the time of day I crashed back in June 2005, I also cried a lot last afternoon with the realisation I am still living my grandmothers life, alone after a marriage ended (hers after my Grandad, Bluey’s death, mine after 11 years of marriage, hers with a daughter, mine with my dog) I thought of therapy and all I have been working through.. it all has to do with attachments but the deeper work does not lie in the rooms in therapy it lies in opening my heart to love and being fully and completely alive while surrendering the barricades..

Mistrust is a huge issue with me. I keep slamming poor Scott with it.. That said boundaries are necessary and I am never completely sure where they should lie. I am seeing lately thought, that when love comes my way I doubt it and put up barricades, I also get reactive and try to push people away.. this is part of an avoidant and anxious attachment pattern. I don’t know why but it feels scary for me to be loved.. I have a Saturn Moon conjunction in my chart. I take that as an inheritance from two parents who had Sun Mercury Saturn conjunctions. Demonstrations and communications of love in physical form were very rare in our family.. We were more like to be hit that cuddled or I had to stand very still for long periods on a stool while Mum pinned different pretty dresses she was making for me on me (which I hated).. I think as a tom boy I was more comfortable just playing, though I did love singing and dancing but all of that exhuberance was a bit frown upon in my serious, far older family..

It a funny case of synchronicity as in the novel I am reading at the moment Broken Blue Sky the male character comes from a stoically repressive household in which his Dad tears his mother apart, as a result he never wants a family, but his wife (who dies before the book starts) comes from an open, loving, physically demonstrative family and she longs for a child. The resonances were not lost on me. I feared bringing a child into the world which is why I had several pregnancies terminated.

Anway I see more clearly right now with Mercury moving back over my Mum’s Sun Mercury Saturn conjunction in Scorpio the legacy I inherited and how my capacity to love and connect got arrested so early on and then how fear erected barricades as so much trauma began to befall me from the age of 17 to 31. But the roots of feeling anxious to connect and more comfortable alone or detached lie in childhood where I was left alone in the family pattern.

I have cried for the losses over these past 4 years of therapy and each time my sister is hospitalised but I know we could never have lived a different past.. I had to work through the complex family inheritance. On that subject last night I picked up a lecture on family inheritance given by Juliet Sharman Burke at the Center for Psychological Astrology in the 90s last night. It spoke of a child who carried the sadness over a mother’s hidden secret love.. once the mother addressed the secret (she had an affair before her daughter was born) the child’s symptoms healed. The truth is we carry all of this attachment pain for parents until we make it conscious.. So we are not at fault for ‘stuffing up’ in life, its all down to the inheritance as well as the temperamental nature we bring in to this life.. For myself sensitivity opened me so powerfully to the family unconscious, that I almost drowned in it.. But now I have a new chance.. To see the patterns and reactions and make another choice…the choice to open my heart and move away from intellectual detachment into open hearted spontaneous living.

I also felt today that whatever happens I will be okay from here on in as I have now the capacity to hold myself through it all. I am prepared for the cascade of memories and healing that will accompany the next few weeks of Mercury and Mars retrograde… I thank God that as it squares my Mars Saturn Moon Mercury will trine my Chiron wound in Pisces in the 7th house.. I had major Pluto transits to this when I got sober and so it was time to see my wounds and a big one was the one from and with my Dad (Dad had Chiron opposite his Venus and square to Pluto and Libra rules the Venus connected 7th house). Yesterday in therapy I heard Dad saying he was proud of me.. I think of my sister who carries so much of his pattern and of the dynamic between he and Mum’s anger outbursts. I then recognise what my sister struggles with internally and have more compassion. I just know without a doubt we are all vulnerable in the places of wounding and being wounded is not a fault or a flaw it is a gift of a kind, a dark gift, but one that should we choose to be conscious and strong enough to unwrap may help us grow in many ways, in depth, in soul, in insight and in wisdom but for that to happen we must surrender our barricades as well let them dissolve with the tears we shed or get blown apart by the anger we feel that speaks of the life force we can no longer deny expression.

Wandering

Wandering in a land unknown

So very far from home

Always alone

And a stranger

Even to myself

When we met

In that cold winter

A white horse called to us

There we came to know the truth

Of hearts that broke

And wrestled with emotional truths

So deeply buried

Oh my love

I miss you now

And wish we had a chance again

Those days will forever live on

In my memory

There were paths we had to tread

Away from each other

And my soul it sunk like lead

When you let me drop

Into the deep abyss of abandonment

I lost myself for so many years

I know you felt the truth

But there were things that lay obscured

You never knew

So now

All of these long years hence

I whisper those truths to your soul

In the silence

As I make my peace

With the chance for all the love

We lost the way to