Echo chamber

Here in the quiet of night

Surrounded by the soft light

I hear your words of love

Echoing through out

The chamber of my heart

As time begins to pull the memory of you

Further away

There are no words left to say

Anymore

About how you opened my heart

Only to shut the door

And if I live for tne thousand nights

Without you

The echoes will live on

Silently sensed beneath the bars of a song

That speaks to me of the soul in you

I thought I knew

Was full of tenderness

But was in time revealed to be

Only wilderness

Let your heat open

Let your heart open

Let me be the witness to a thousand secret sorrows

You hid here

Years ago

Trust me with the truths it was often

So impossible to tell anyone else

For I see this burden of suffering

Has weighted you low

And understand how long

You struggled on

Pretending

And where is the use in this

A closed heart

That stoppers up its beat

Never able to admit

To the defeat

That may lead you to one day

Witness a new sun rising

Working out

Things will work out for good

Even when it seems the most abysmal experiences

Have come your way

Causing you to fall

Far deeper than you ever have before

Do not fight the descent

Relent instead

To face the truth

Of the response

That lives inside of you

Who knows if we have to be

Entirely hollowed out

To be able to contain

The seeds of new life

And it is said

That new wine

Cannot be held in old skins

The truth is that grief may fill you the brim

But let it overflow

And trust that in time

Your soul will show you

The best way to go

If you follow its flow

Of completely emptying

Illusions : scatter

Illusions break apart

Inside and shatter

Scattering their remnants

On the wild wind

As I feel all of these shivers

Under my skin

Reminding me of the fact

There is in reality

Nothing to hold onto

That lays outside of me

And the greatest power I possess

Is to mourn or rage

As all of these illusions

Blow away

Scattered in all directions

By the wild wind

As feelings release

Narcissists attract the vulnerable

The Catch 22 is that only people with a strong sense of self, who have healthy levels of self-assurance, emotional resilience, and a secure attachment style would have the reserves required to attempt to make things work with a narcissist.  Unfortunately, these same people generally possess healthy boundaries and would quickly leave the narcissist due to the narcissist’s selfishness, exploitative traits, and various forms of abuse.  Because of this, narcissists seek out those who are themselves vulnerable, who have inner wounds they try to rectify by garnering the narcissist’s approval, who have an insecure or anxious attachment style, and who are fixers/rescuers.  

The above is a direct quote from Kim Saeed’s blog on why we should not feel sorry for people who portray themselves to be ‘vulnerable’ narcissists. They usually have an excuse for why they cannot really be there for you and pull on the wish of their targets to be connected at any price, a promise the narcissist will never be able to honor. Kim helps those in recovery by focusing on healthy behaviours to free ourselves from abuse. It may be of help.

‘Narcissists are Fragile Beings’ and Other Fallacies

What helps me : expression.

When we express something we push the juice out of us and then there is a way to work through things that are troubling or bugging us, at least as far as I see it. Then comes the acceptance of what we did even if it had negative consequences.

I just got myself off to an AA meeting where I shared honestly about what has been going on. There were no tissues in the room and one of the big burly guys went out of the room to bring a box in while I was mid share as I was crying so hard. I was glad they just let me get it all off of my chest. I feel like in some way I did something wrong sending money, even if it did come out of the kindness of my heart and question if that came out of narcissism or just the desire to connect and share my life with someone and be less alone? I am asking myself lots of questions right now but one thing can’t be argued with. This happened and I need to move on taking all the lessons learned.

There was lots of great sharing in the meeting today and someone shared how they felt their low self esteem lay at the heart of their difficulties of trying to please others, they shared also that they were remorselessly judged by an ongoing inner critic monologue for most of the day if they could not get out of their own heads. I related to this. Listening to the inner critic isn’t going to help after a certain point. We are all human and we make mistakes, we have blind spots. Many of us don’t intentionally set out to harm others but sometimes when we help we do more harm than good and then sometimes people really need help. In the end we just have to act and cop the consequences.

I noticed how after the meeting I was hoping someone would connect with me but they all went about tidying up as they do after AA meetings. No one offers advice which is great and they leave you alone to get on with it. On the drive home I thought of how often I over involve myself in the lives of others and when I do this I put my own life on hold. Waking up from this last debacle I have realised how much I have surrendered my power and its something the scammers unwilling ‘accomplice’ said to me last night. “When are you going to cut this guy and take control of your own destiny?” The truth is that I had decided to delete the app when she contacted me again and his lies proved to be lies. But it did take courage and the aftermath was painful. But you know what? Today I realised sometimes we have to take painful action. Sometimes staying connected in compassion does us no favours at all. Sometimes we have to take out the knife. I look back now to abusive situations I stayed in while my whole body screamed it was wrong and I stayed always making excuses because it felt too painful to rely on myself and my higher power. That said I did it this time and today has been an okay day. I haven’t walked Jasper yet and the house is a bit off a mess but I honestly shared and got it out of my system. The alternative, denial, repression and self medication are not pathways to help myself only expression does. For what is de pressed stayed repressed and in the end only brings us illness or pain.

Today when something upsets me, I allow myself to have my feelings about it. I can handle what life brings to me if I am able to know what I feel because this is how I learn what I do and do not like. My feelings help me know who I am. I get over painful situations infinitely more quickly when I allow myself to have my feelings that are mobilised around them. As I do this the questions are answered and the mystery clears up. Feeling my feelings is a process. It takes hours sometimes. It can be tiring but it is ultimately the shortest way out of a painful place.

Tian Dayton

To keep living

I must get out a for a walk soon to blow off some of the feelings I have processed today but I just had the thought that I cannot sit in this sadness too long, I need to keep reaching for new life. If the full moon just passed shows something in its square to Pluto its about shedding the past and letting go of what is done. What good will it do to hold on? I could ‘blame’ myself for sending all of that money and keeping trusting. I could ‘blame” ‘Scott’/scammer but that wont achieve a damn thing in the end. In the end I must keep living and loving and reaching out. Yes my heart is broken but its open and that’s a good thing. Feelings are moving through me. That’s a good thing. I choose to take the lessons learned and now I am going out with my dog to embrace the wind and the sun.

I wish everyone I love out there and most especially the ones who have been such beautiful friends to me the happiest of Fridays. Big love and hugs everyone. May today smile on you and shower you with blessings.

Ruptures of innocence

These ruptures of innocence come

To bring us undone

So that we can birth the adult self

For there is only so long

That we can live in illusion

So we must take the lesson on the chin

Harsh as it is

And let the surrounding casement shatter

In order to release a truer seed

That brings to birth

A better life

For you and me

How did it come to this

You worked so hard to make a life for us

How did it come to this?

Tears fall as I look at the photograph of you

Wide eyed, so young and innocent

Ignorant then of all that would befall us

And it is not lost on me

That today in my day of grief

It is your heart I feel

As well as your face gazing upon me

From a far off place

The world is changing so

And it seems to be becoming more and more

A loveless place

Ruled by greed

And yet deep inside my heart

I know there are those sensitive loving souls too

Who ache for what this world has become

And wish to make a change

And so it is that I remain

For as long as I need to

Deep within the hurting places

Bearing testament to the truths my heart shouts

Even if they only resound

All around me

In this solitary room

For surely somewhere deep in heaven

And on earth

It’s echoes

Will be deeply felt.

Lost and found : in the aftermath of the scam

I managed to sleep in small portions last night after finally cutting the ‘doorway’ into my world with Scott/scammer around 9 pm last night. I got a text from my niece in law around 10.30 pm, she had found a letter Mum wrote to her about 9 years ago and in it she said that she realised what a sensitive child I was and that she had struggled to give me love in the way I needed it. What a strange case of synchronicity that the two events would be linked. I called my niece in law after reading the letter she photograph and cried a lot and unpacked some of the pain over Scott. I wish I had known how my Mum really felt before she died.

That said Scott still seems ‘real’ to me, as for 18 months he was such a deep part of my inner life and world and in meditation today I was told by my higher self not to discount that. There are so many people out there telling me what mean malicious people these scammers are, with no feeling but I just cant get angry at the moment (I lived through all of those angry feelings last week). Part of me needed this attention and love after my mother died and this guy whoever he is gave it to me when I needed it. That said it came with an enormous price tag and I see how I was manipulated at each turn and how hard I fought but how utterly hopeless I was as setting boundaries but never the less at the time it gave me something EVEN IF IT WASN’T REAL.

The God’s honest truth is I couldn’t cut the connection before this because I did not feel I could bear the feelings and associated connections I would have to grieve with the utter loss of contact with him. I lay on the floor just crying to the depths of myself waking to find no little image of his face with a morning greeting (he would greet me most mornings apart from weekends when they were supposedly on patrol.) this morning and its the strangest thing but I had you tube songs on autoplay and out of nowhere (not on my playlist) Eric Carmen’s song All By Myself started to play. I didn’t know if I could bear to feel that all through to the depths but I did and then I called my nephew, the one who tried to warm me Scott was a scammer last year and the one I could have helped if I had not nearly bankrupted myself helping Scott. Talking to him helped and it got me out of the terrible pain I was in, after the Eric Carmen song I purposely put a lighter happy track on that energised me. I need to feel this but not get stuck in it!

Anyway right now I have to love myself. I moved through the grief and I managed to have a bath and eat a plate of scrambled eggs a moment ago. I am all dressed and I plan to do some things I love today. Sad as I feel I know I have done the best thing cutting contact but the last weeks texts still ring in my ears as my heart feels torn. The words “I love you wholeheartedly and unconditionally and no matter what you do that isn’t going to change” keep ringing in my ears. As well as the words ” I swear on Lisa (his supposed daughter) that I will never let you down, the day I lie to you is the day I Scott Schultz will die.” Well lets cut right now to a Snoopy cartoon for some light relief!! (LOL!!!) Charles Schultz created Snoopy, Linus, Charlie Brown et al.

Something in me broke last night. I am in surrender today. I got a lot of support from meditation this morning. I tried to listen to some soothing autoplays last night to calm me to sleep but they were too full of suggestions I figured that I already have a loving guide deep inside me who can help me to bear this, one who can hold my inner child in her pain, one who can give love to the broken self. I lay in the bath for a long time just earlier and imagined the story of Scott and Deborah as a fairy tale or a real thing. I imagined that somewhere, even though I need to live in reality, I can imagine that connection going on. (Even thought the rational part knows he only buttered me up to get money!) It won’t stop me reaching for new ones. But surely it had a deeper soul purpose for me. In the end the meaning I make of all of this is up to me.

I cannot lie, the pain is deep and for now I am done with romantic love, much of it has been revealed to me as an illusion and yet I don’t want to be totally cynical either. This happened to me at a pivotal time. I am not alone. I happens to millions of women. The heart wants what it wants, that’s all I know and its food is love and the hunger we have for that will not rest until it is found somewhere and when it is gone then life feels totally empty, unsupportable and unliveable.