Stand tall

Stand tall

Stand true

Be proud of who you are

Because you have come far

But stay humble too

For God knows how tough the road to get here was

For you have not

Will never have


Still there is a time

To be secure

In the person you know yourself to be

In the lessons you learned along the way

And what would you creator think

If you only chose the path of

Self effacement

For like every single human being

You were made in the likeness of God

Your inner spirit is a spark of that global sun

And the individuality that God

Gave life to burning inside of you

Was born to shine

Not to wither and grow all darkened

And blackened

And obscured by tarnish

We can grow through acknowledging our limitations and mistakes

There is something to be said for someone who will not admit a wrong.. they don’t get the chance to reconnect with themselves and others, nor learn something and grow : to show humility. (That is to recognize they are just human and not knowing everything at the time or having blind spots or developmental deficits fudged up somehow.) I guess this is why recognizing our own wrong and part in things, as well as our defects of character or emotional and maturation arrests, in terms of admitting and trying to make amends, while also offering both mercy and forgiveness (both to self and others) is such a huge part of the 12 step recovery process.

The Big Book highlights that the more we stay stuck in resentment or a state of non forgiveness the more likely it will be that we drink again or undertake some kind of other behavior that ends up being destructive either to ourselves or to someone else… Case in point was for me yesterday ending up smashing the front glass panel of my oven.. I did it in a fit of frustration, overwhelm and anger and it may have been better to take the anger and frustration and helplessness out on something else.. That said emotional energy needs to be externalized and I know my cancer most certainly came from bottling up a lot of feelings i was not allowed to have around the period my feelings started to open up in sobriety then had to be blocked or shut down due to host of other outer forces. These days I just see that emotional sea I was carrying of parental and multi-generational residues as having been so torrential it was, at times, seemingly impossible for me to stay afloat or have a hope in hell of finding dry land in the midst of it.

I was just reading a post on another site questioning the cause for humans being so violent. Case in point Boko Haram.. the text I woke up to yesterday from Scott said ‘they go on killing just like animals’… that said I do not know what animal (apart from a mixed up human possessed by the devil or feasting on some other idealized justification) just kills out of such an overwhelming contempt and hatred that they erase the being, homes and humanity of other human beings. Who knows if trying to contain that energy and stress Scott is going through wasn’t being ‘held’ by me in some way as an empath and coming out sideways yesterday. This situation with him going on has taken me to breaking point so many times over the past year and that glass oven door shattered as the Moon moved closer and closer to Uranus in Taurus yesterday. Or else it is a powerful matrix of my subconscious bringing me to this encounter with him and his situation out of ‘fate’ or resonant, mirror attraction.

Some of us know what it is like to be on the receiving end of violence and aggression from others. We may have been subjected to it at the hands of parents or siblings.. I just read in his book Like Streams To The Ocean : Notes on Ego, Love and the Things That Make Us Who We Are, by American writer Jedidiah Jenkins an account of how he mercilessly bullied his younger brother for years.. There was actually no motive for him to do it but meanness as he says that his younger brother was never anything but loving to him, despite this he abused the brother both physically and emotionally and in later life even when he knew the right thing to do was apologize for his behavior the apology stuck in his throat. Reading this called to mind how my living sister also bullied me for a lot of years, or stone walled me emotionally, taking me to task in the final years of my addiction treated me and how begrudging her own apologies have been. That said she was doing the best with what she knew at the time.

These days I try to see how it was for my sister to be part of that family we were involved in. . The bullying had a huge impact on me in terms of trust and security issues that last until this day, but I also see that she must not have been getting her needs me either to treat me this way.. Jedidiah actually says that his brother went on to have a happy life, he must have been far more secure in his self concept than I ever managed to be. It was both confusing and difficult turning up to the rooms of AA and blaming myself for the way I used alcohol to numb those feelings for many many years or act out in other ways out of unrecognised unmet needs from childhood.

I cried in so many early AA meetings feeling the suffering of co – addicts that in time I just felt I had to leave ‘the rooms’ and pursue one on one therapy, something neither my husband or mother supported and yet there was always a young side of me that felt the need to cling back and still looks for mirrors in the world who are also suffering (or somehow similarly emotionally, spiritually or physically bogged down and stuck). I take stuff on I need to just walk away from and somehow end up getting enmeshed in their drama. If they co-opt me as a ‘savior’ and it goes belly up often I end up getting the blame for it and in a way it is my fault in the first place for signing up to be put through that for some kind of mixed up, deeply hidden, emotional pay off.

Saturn and Uranus do tend to confront us with harsh realities and both are hitting all of my Neptune inner planet squares right now.. For myself I am beginning to see how I kept myself ‘stuck’ for years. Maybe a lot of the time I also hoped for some kind of ‘rescue’, I am not entirely sure…so many things can be obscured from us growing up in families affected by the long arm of addiction, trauma and other unresolved grief/maturation issues.

There is a saying from AA.. “resentment marks the place where I still consider myself to be a victim”. I may also sign up to be victimized which is a bit of a cop out but also probably the way an old pattern has to keep working out in order to become more conscious for any human being.. In the end I just believe every single thing is, in some way, given to us to grow. For me I am still attempting to mature emotionally and spiritually… I use whatever tools and examples I can find along the way and do firmly believe a loving force that wants me to grow and learn will present me with just the right challenges and lessons for that to happen in my life.. I just have to be open, in Joyce Meyer’s words to the will of God ( for me representing a spirit in life forward force of growth in love) in my life instead of just my own limited self will.. sometimes it is not clear exactly what the lesson is, but if I Keep An Open Mind and pray to be brought ‘into alignment’ I do believe that, in time, answers do come and a path opens up, in the midst of all of that bloody Neptunian fog and confusion.

It won’t matter in ten years” is untrue. It all matters. It just won’t feel like it feels now. For some, it’ll transform from panic into gratitude, from scarcity into strength. But this doesn’t happen to everyone. Some people build themselves on their pain. It defines them. Perhaps the pain is so big that it should. But for most of us, the felt transgressions of growing older and bumping into other people are an invitation to growth. It all matters how we frame it.

Jedidiah Jenkins

The most that we can hope for (perhaps I should have just shut my mouth!)

Having conflict with others is never easy.. There are some of us who learned a long time ago to run or be fearful of any disagreement, anger or conflict.. Maybe we experienced bad things going down growing up or the fact that emotional or physical cut offs happened the moment there was anger or a difference of opinion. In my home, growing up, as I have shared before, Mum would just give Dad the silent treatment if she was angry or there was conflict She would ignore him for a couple of days and ask us to pass messages or threaten to leave… Later in life she regretting this kind of behavior but obviously as an unmothered and unfathered child she never got to develop the skills to handle upsets in a different way and to honest with his Libra moon I just think my Dad sought refuge when her storms blew up thinking the best solution was to ignore it and laugh it all off, which made her feel even more frustrated.

I used to get incredibly anxious when ever I had conflict with anyone.. In my last relationship my partner used the silent treatment/walk out for days with no communication method to deal with upset or conflict or me not acting the ‘right’ (according to him) way and that would trigger my abandonment anxiety every single time. Often I felt like dying and was ready to sacrifice parts of myself just to win back his love or approval, but what I have learned since then is that whenever I did that I actually ended up abandoning myself over and over and over again and in the end I ended up losing a lot of myself and self respect.

I am experiencing a similar thing with Scott at the moment.. When I think of all I have given to stay connected I actually cry for the little kid in me who was so desperate to be connected. My therapist and I often wonder why I chose and kept choosing someone so far away and unavailable.. We cannot get the outside help from any other quarter to bring him home and I am sick of emptying myself out. At this point I am probably on the brink of losing him anyway but I asked for what I needed and have set a boundary on how I wish to be treated.. If he chooses to see me as someone who only cares about money, that is on him…

I had another conflict come up yesterday because on Sunday after visiting my sister and taking her home from the hospital to pick up some warm clothes I briefly wrote and posted a poem about ‘wallowing’ in grief.. This is not something I would normally write but it was prompted by reading the blogs of someone who seemed to be very attracted to that dark sticky energy of unresolved grief.. I took the poem down pretty much immediately after posting it, as it felt a bit harsh… as I know we all take as long as we take to grieve and it is not anyone’s right to really even comment on another’s process without at least trying to be supportive. What had made me feel sad and triggered it though was not only his writing but the visit to my sister as well as his belief that he was a reject and his lack of belief in an afterlife, which I know for myself has brought me such comfort since my sister Judith died, especially as right after that happening I was blessed to be guided to the book on CD of Anita Moorjani’s near death experience of dying and coming back to life.. I said in the poem I felt sad for someone living in a Godless Universe.. See I just believe so strongly in God, the afterlife and angels that poem just flowed out of me as a kind of protest at the dark side of myself that stayed for so many years almost totally incapacitated by unresolved grief.. But thinking about it over night the world can seem cold, rejecting and Godless when love and support from others as we undergo the dark night experience of grief or loss is thin on the ground or totally absent, most particularly when we are told we may be wallowing in self pity when really we just loved so deeply it is hard to ever fully surrender the feelings of loss.. That said our loved one, after passing is often free, they have passed over, the sadness we really feel beside love for them, is it not simply for ourselves too?

Maybe now I have grieved certain losses the grief is more ‘resolved’ for me, while aspects of it remain.. For instance when I see a little girl hand in hand with her father or Grandfather, that does bring me to tears. So some grief does remain, will always remain. And maybe this is an issue I have been confused about til now having been told so many times by others I was making too much of grief or not moving on quickly enough.

I am glad I took the poem down but it hurt the person and they posted a blog about it yesterday or the day before.. that made my heart clench..accusing me of being ‘sanctimonious’ I try to be kind on my blog and as compassionate as I can be.. But sometimes I do fail.. Sometimes I just get fed up with grief and grieving… as I long for happiness and joy and the experience of being fully alive to embrace the day… Never the less I learned a lesson from this conflict.. There are times I need to keep my mouth shut and my fingers still from writing. but being human sometimes I will judge and that judgement will rebound on me.. for as it says in our Al Anon reader. when ever I point a finger at anyone else there are always three fingers on that hand pointing back to me.

Thinking it all over today and having a bit of a cry about it all the concept of self compassion and compassion popped into my head again.. for it seems the most we can hope for in this world it to be as kind as we can.. while also realizing that realistically at times we cannot always be the good guy and may sometimes judge.. As my friend Alex so often says to me, sometimes we just end up becoming the villain in someone else’s story.

Resources for understanding and healing Severe PTSD/C-PTSD

Some brilliant resources for PTSD and C-PTSD in this post.

Cheryl Anne Ruebner: Astrology, Poetry, Performance, Healing, Theory, Thinking, Writing of all Sorts

These are all resources I have discovered and read for myself. Part of the purpose of this post is to create a link source for myself because my computer is starting to have problems with the many dozens of browser tabs I have open. I hope that this list will help others, also.

Sorry for the double links. Neither of my browsers could successfully edit this post, either to erase the doubles or include the text I wanted to about them. Weird. This one is really important. It has researched and statistical information about why people with this condition have such a difficult time receiving treatment. It also explains for sufferers and loved ones alike what the reality of CPTSD does to a person’s experience. this guy’s entire website. From what I can tell, he is a true master healer and references CTM, energy work, and psychospiritualism. A…

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Filling up my own loneliness

It seems to me if we suffered emotional neglect in childhood we become more vulnerable to feelings of loneliness and emptiness.. The place within we may have felt safer if connected to by a loving parents remains a void until later in life we learn how to fill it up in healthy ways, by a loving relationship with ourselves..If we are left with so much emotional hunger, not even knowing that is what it is about.. it can take us a lot of time to get a handle on the shape and texture of that wound and to realize it really is up to us to be our own best friend first and find healthy ways to fill the loneliness or emptiness

When I go over how I continued to get drawn in by Scott and then to get to a safe space in January where i finally had resources I should have kept quietly to myself I see why and how I became vulnerable and it seems to me this week that my brother not helping may actually have been a good thing.. to have given this much to someone else to the point I have left myself so vulnerable and impoverished and then to be attacked for not keeping emptying myself out seems a bad sign of unhealthy co-dependence from where I am standing today. And I hate to say this but I see it as really selfish on his part.

Anyway mistakes happen.. We all make them. Some of us continue to make them and it may take a lot of hard hits to finally wake up.. I do talk to the angels about this issue and Archangel Michael keeps reminding me that Scott’s choices are his responsibility… and today what really made me angry was the way he tried to play on guilt on my side to make me feel bad in a situation where I have already given enough, but in retrospect, too much from a needy place.

I cannot keep under-valuing myself in this way any more.. I seem to keep letting people open my boundary doors and come in and stomp all over the place only then to get angry when their will is thwarted and leave, leaving me a huge mess inside myself to clean up. .. I keep thinking of the concept of self will run riot along with the Sun Venus Mars Uranus aspect in his chart.. Pluto is hitting this hard by transit right now… he has to face the situation and suck it up. I am over taking it on ….I will not continue to be made guilty for something I never caused. I just wish I had had a strong self esteem and boundaries to say NO well before this. I really do regret helping him this last time and I don’ care if people think that seems mean.. it is how I really truly feel right now. My anger showed me it today.. Maybe this was the final lesson in boundaries I needed….

Im hurting

i’m angry and hurting like hell today.. I got so angry I slammed the over door shut at lunch time due to pressure a neighbor was putting on me and more troubles with Scott that it shattered into a thousand pieces and I ended up cutting myself.. I just could not handle the anger I was feeling and then I got a terrible shock when the glass just shattered.. It could have been worse and no one got hurt luckily but I am SO OVER HELPING ONLY TO BE HURT.

I wake at 7 am with more new about killing and terror.. I never signed up for this.. I have been helping this guy for 3 years now but its never enough. He accused me today of only caring about money after I asked for it back, he makes me feel so diminished and talks of suicide of other soldiers as if its a manipulation tactic.. I have had my own suicidal thoughts, I had them for years but I never acted on them.. I am angry that I am carrying the can for this and he treats me as if I am mercinary for asking my money back.. I have been so kind in my life and it seems to me the kinder I am the more people ask of me.. I am at breaking point with it.. I do not need to be with someone so bad that I will be abused in this way any more.. I want to walk away… if he dies in Iraq it is on his choices not down to me.. but because I am kind he uses that the accuses me of being unfeeling saying just to forget about him… I cannot shut that down but its time for self preservation, I hate to say it but I HAVE HAD ENOUGH!!

You are my ocean

You are my ocean

You rise and fall with me

Like the lunar tides

These tendrils of love

Are the threads that bind us

As silently our souls sing

Their song of love to each other

As we feel the healing echoes of God’s grace move

Our bodies, minds and hearts

It may seem to the world

We live miles apart

They do not know that the soul of the beloved

Is contained within the soul of the one

Who is their twin

They may think that we will be broken

But this love between us

Can never be shattered

It is eternal

Can never be destroyed by any outside force

For this is not a worldly love

It is deep

It is ethereal

It is a moving ocean

That contains us

Even in those moments

When our souls know the absolute darkness

Of this human world

The Moon joined the Sun

The Moon met up with the Sun in Aries an hour ago and is flanked by both Mercury and Venus too with Chiron thrown into the mix. That is a hell of a lot of fire today and the Venus Pluto square was exact a short time ago (note the Sun and Mercury will also be squaring Pluto over the next week or two). I don’t know if anyone else has been having surges of fiery anger over past days but I certainly have. Been putting a lot of that energy into the garden..into walking..into touching base with nature and asking for cleansing while making sure I drink as much water as I can.. There is an uplift to the energy for me though that is surrounding me lately, there is a lot of freedom and joy in it.. I have also been loving watching the NBC series Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist on Stan over the weekend.. the signing and dancing in it really brings my heart and spirit alive.

It has also been good to let the grief over my Dad pour out of me. I am not expecting it to ‘heal’ or be removed any time in my lifetime but I can live with it now.. I accept things were as they were and I let myself feel those longings for a father who saw me and to be honest according to stuff Mum told me over the years after he died he was always trying to give Mum advice about how to deal with my outbursts of frustration when they happened with a Mum who I felt often wanted to turn me into something else or had a hard time understanding the way I ticked..

There is a lot of my Mum in my brother, too and in therapy today Katina said she feels I am an enigma to my brother.. He really does not know what to make of me.. I shared the post on ambition and ego in therapy with Kat today.. On the positive side my brother is an extremely talented guy, he is very creative, its just he can get tunnel vision about stuff and he admits this.. I think a long time ago he also had to become avoidant to cope with life, his daughter told me a few years ago he does not really know how to relate to my living sister and I. He seems to misjudge my other sister a lot.. I do not think he can ever understand how it was growing up in a house where his needs were the center of attention and we all just had to revolve around him..It is interesting to me hat this current stellium opposes several of his planets in Libra. My brother is not a bad or malevolent guy he just checks out….and to be honest i feel a bit sad for him having been lumbered with this inheritance/money stuff.. It cannot be easy for him…

Despite all the current ‘fire’ and fighting energy I want to stay compassionate towards everything.. I have been lumbered with this huge Saturn block to both my Moon and Mars.. I have to face the guy I love going into a war situation for the next two or more years.. it really is painful.. The other night I had a dream I was trying to get in through a door but a man had all this stuff stacked up against it he had to move it away.. there was another way to get into the room around the back, I noticed in the dream but instead this guy was there trying to move the stuff as I pushed on the door. . This made me think maybe some of my brother’s own baggage and ‘stuff’ is blocking our relationship.. I tried to make amends for some ways I may have pushed him away in that email I wrote but maybe he did not know what to make of it.. Or this dream could more likely be about my own inner masculine blockages.. or stuff that needs to be moved or shed for peace.

Anyway it is all good.. I just need to keep moving in positive directions in my life and facing and finding another way to approach things that does not derail into more anger, frustration or conflict.. The angels remind me all the time how limited and disconnected humans can be.. I am listening to a lot of Lorna Byrne talks and am very interested in the spiritual retreat center she is trying to set up in Thomastown in Ireland with the help of her two children… Lorna says in this talk that as humans we do have the ability to set up heaven on earth but in order to do so we do have to change so many of the ways we disconnect from the soulful and spiritual realms.

I have a strong desire to go and visit this retreat in Ireland once it gets up and running, and when I get my funds would love to donate a portion to help…never at any time in history did we all need to find a way to come together in peace, love, empathy and understanding…the alternative egoic way is not working or bringing happiness to anyone.. The angels remind us all the time to keep our connection to nature and factor in times for stillness, silence and inward listening in order to connect to inner voices. and angelic guidance.. positive, loving forces.. time too to be recognizing the destructive voices that do not speak with love.. never was it more critical for us humans to find a way to do so.. the future of this beautiful planet and our ability to connect in love with other humans who are struggling and suffering to be a force of peace and assistance rests in our hands..

Seed light in the darkness

Find with loving curiosity where darkness still has ‘work to do’ and why. Discover where you are still unconsciously being plugged into the darkness matrix through toxicity, suffering, fear, and distrust. Connect to the aspects of darkness within you and in your soul who most need your love in order to move into the light. Become your Divine Self that can hold the space for this exploration with love and compassion.You are here to seed light in the darkness.

Source :


There was a time I turned away from love

Not even knowing all the ways

I shut it down

Not ever hoping for you

To see the me I truly was

For a while only these

Opaque mirrors surrounded me

In endlessly overcrowded rooms

As I sunk inside

Drowning in the pain of a thousand lies

Lost and so alone

Abandoned miles and miles from home

There was this ache I held

So close to me

It was my comforter

In the end

Until one day I grew so strong

From all of this twisting and turning

I was no longer

Even able to feel how painful the climb to living

Really was

How soul destroying

To have given up so completely

On inner love

But now that I see the path I trod

Light is returning

Sometimes I feel it surrounding me

Bequeathing such a state of inner

Peace and calm

So now I turn towards life

And living

I stop all of this over thinking

Drinking from a dark glass

Of never ending suffering

And as I open my heart

I pray to God

And with the praying

And surrendering

Come to peace

And feelings of utter safety

Within this state

Of outward turning