You weren’t there

Dark Spirit

I longed for someone to be there

On those lonely wide open afternoons

You were gone from home

In just the way your own mother was gone

I reached for the key

That hung on the hook in the shed

And on one of the days it wasn’t there

I broke the window

And cut my wrist

Thirty stiches

Neighbours took me to casualty

Do you know how much it hurt Mum

To know that dresses and other people

Were more important than me?

It wasn’t that you worked

It was that you left me alone

Why not get help?

But how could you know how it was

When you just repeated your own silent history?

Now I see

What I could not see then

I understand why panic attacks visit me at that time of day

When

One of the six horseman of the psychic apocalypse

Comes calling

Panic

Hidden deep inside panic are so many other emotions

That could neither be expressed nor contained

As well as a hungering heart

That needed to be held

And tended in love

Now I know why ravenous hunger visits me then

I eat and eat

But the hunger is for something else

My inner child

Help adult me

To remember and to understand

It all makes sense

That body will never lie

Show me how to be there for you

So that panic can end

And love attention and self care

Can fill up the empty spaces

Of a wound

Far larger than me

When the darkness wants to eat you

I had as serious terror dream the other night.  I don’t get them often and when they happened the darkness of the malevolent force I feel is truly terrifying.  It happens just after I have fallen off to sleep,  I feel this cold blackness enter the room and pull off the blanket or duvet covering me leaving me seriously exposed.  I then wake up with a fright.

I have been writing a fair bit about dark and painful things in my history this week with Mercury on natal Pluto.  I am aware that these things that occurred around me were not about me in any way.  As a child, adolescent and young adult I was left unprotected.  My Dad unwittingly at times put me in dark situations with dark characters one of whom was a boss.  There was also a very dark energy around my sister’s ex husband and one night I woke with him sitting on the end of my bed.  I was only about 13 at the time.  This was the man who eventually ended up abandoning my sister after her stroke and took her a long way away even though he already had a new woman shacked up overseas.  He then sent my sister home with a one way ticket.  He also ended up bankrupting his parents.

In my addiction as a result of a lot of this I was drawn towards dark places and dark characters, while a part of my soul rebelled when I felt the coldness in the hearts and eyes of some of these people. Addiction numbed me out and I went through horrific things, waking up out of blackouts and being filled with such shame.  In sobriety I was able to share about these things and release the shame and my secrets but it is interesting that this black energy returned the other night after a time in which I was confronting in therapy the very darkest years of my early addiction when I felt so alone.

I am becoming more aware lately when the darkness wants to eat me up.  It may be that I am resentful that someone has not shown me the empathy or love or care or concern I would hope for.  I know that it has been useless to make any protest with my family, most especially Mum who sees this kind of honesty as a burden reminding her of a failure.  My father was an invisible force for most of my life due to his emotional absence.  He didn’t seem to fully see me and make a relationship with me and so that left an imprint that left me attracted to men who did not see me and wanted to dump their rejected shadow onto me.  Its taken me the past 5 years and all my resources to recognise and release myself from the projection that I was somehow flawed or ‘to blame’.  I had a need for a partner who could accept that my dark past would never be totally gone but that also I did not want to live there.  Not having it affirmed or understood meant the darkness grew inside from that ongoing rejection.

Today I can own my darkness and recognise the darkness and loneliness that surrounded me growing up.  I see how hard I worked to try and get away from it but until I could become fully conscious of it there was no escape but only an ongoing replaying of the same.  I am finally beginning to feel free for the first time in my life.  Affirmation from a consistent therapist has been essential for me as I internalised from a young age an internal rejector.  I can now see when the rejector is about and put up a stop sign.  I will no longer allow that darkness to eat me anymore!

Darkness eclipsed

Pearl

Darkness

Maybe you will never be gone from me

Maybe you are a part of my soul

Balsamic moon baby

Little one born before the Moon could be seen

When it was disappearing in deep space

Into a void

Of silence

Were you born to be the witness

Of all this pain

Of the fragility of relationships and human care

Of the agony that occurs

When endless goodbyes

And cleaving seem unrelenting

Leaving in their wake

A pile of ashes

Or a smouldering fire

You must tend alone

Looking around

No one seems to see

How hard it is

How much you struggle

How close you come

On some days to death

 To saying

This burden is too heavy to bear

Crushed

Like a lead weight

Your soul sinks

To the bottom of the ocean

And you become

A pile of sludge

But then

Just as you think

Death and depression

Have defeated you

A wave rises

And with raw power

Sets its surge inside you

Bidding you to fight

With all your might

Against extinction

And although you are exhausted

And feel as though you cannot go on

Somewhere else you know

That if you just trust

And hold yourself

In the centre of this wave

Riding it

You will rise again

Distilling difficult wisdom

And heartbreak

Into this seed

Which becomes

A black pearl

You place

Inside your heart

Then the darkness

That almost eclipsed you

Will become only

Dark memories you carry

Of all, that in passing

Awakened you

To the value of light

Deep mysteries

Of undoing

Of becoming

That with time

Allow the light to dawn

Over the horizon of your soul

No longer so eclipsed

By doom

Tell me your truth

Day.jpg

Tell me your truth

Let me know please

Don’t allow yourself to be confused

Or shut down

By those who have

An investment in you

Remaining silent

This grief,

This rage,

This pain,

This betrayal

Must be spoken

And poured into a steadfast container

That can hold it and allow it to be

In the Gnostic Gospels Jesus said

That what is held inside

Must be poured out

Or it will destroy the holder

So those who do not hear

Or will not allow you to speak

Those who

Speak platitudes

Or disbelieve

Are not on the side of

Truth Love Presence

They are killers of your soul

And who knows what painful truths

Or evil deeds

These killers have locked inside

Barring the gate into hell

They bar the way to heaven

Because even God Has a dark side

And wants us to reveal

So that we can finally be

The creatures of light

We were born to be

Untangling what entangles

I noticed after the weekend how I allowed myself to get entangled with my abandonment feelings in association to thwarted longing and need in the frustrating and complex relationship with my mother and sister.  I wondered after speaking up about how much it hurt whether I really did the right thing or took the best approach.  I think what I am now realising is how much pain we can cause ourselves by arguing with realities.  I just read a post about how someone self harmed when someone left  and then tried to take their life.  The person was hurting so much she hurt herself.   I have never self harmed in that way (cutting and suicide attempts) but through addiction I self harmed.  I have had hurt from others leaving which triggered deep frustration or abandonment wounds make a lot of deep pain lodge or go around deep down inside of me.  In arguing with the reality I don’t fully want to feel or accept or allow the pain of into my heart, I make things worse.     That said, the struggle and experience of negative consequences is all a part of the learning.

On Sunday when I initially felt let down, the best thing I did was connect with young me and be there for her.  I listened to her pain. I remembered the imprints of this kind of longing for connection gone awry along the maternal ancestral line and it all made sense, at least the power of my feelings made sense.  When I finally opened up about it later to Mum and she initially got upset I got to see that she carries similar wounds and that in many ways all three of us are trying to make up for wounds in disconnection but being so involved in our own that we don’t have as much to give to more than one other person.

As the youngest I was always at the end of the line.  There was limited empathy or attention to my needs and now I cannot find it there.  I need to find and meet my needs in some other way or try to meet them myself.  Sometimes its not ideal but I do manage.  I have therapy to go to.  Sadly I don’t have a lot of friends because I have isolated a lot in last years while trying to get help to work through all of my issues.

The last experience with my Mum showed me clearly how I can get entangled or enmeshed by my longing.  I also get triggered a lot by my mother and sister so I have to be careful.   I don’t need to cut off the longing but I do need to find ways to find my own happiness.  I see how from a young age I got forced into a loner pattern that really doesn’t suit a person who from a young age was full of life, loved life and wanted so much to be simply and innocently connected to others.  Sadly I was born into a super serious home with a bunch of adults hell bent on their own agendas.  I was so lonely and had no where to go after we moved away from by best friends, the next door neighbours.  In later life I repeated the pattern of taking myself away because it was all I knew.  In some ways the taking myself away was good, if it meant I could go in search of what I wanted and needed, but not when it held inside it a defence against relationship due to the fact I was carrying so much unconscious hurt and thwarted self expression.

Reading James Masteron’s book on the search for the real self is helping me so much to understand my own psychology.  I started to write a post on it last night but had a lot of others things I needed to do so didn’t finish it, but what I wrote in that post was how he shares in the book how important the father is in helping a young child to find life and a self outside of the constricting relationship with a mother who often due to her own wounds or psychology keeps thwarting her own child’s separation or individuation task.  In my case I think it was more complex in that I am carrying feelings, needs and issues my mother never fully resolved herself and the death of my father at a critical stage and on the back of so much other trauma meant separating became even more complicated.  Add to that the fact that my older sister was suffering and I was highly sensitive and still had very complex bonding issues tied up in that relationship and it makes sense to me that even at age 40 I felt I could not move forward with my own life.  Did Dad’s death mean in some way that I tried to compensate and therefore am carrying a burden for both my mother and my father?

Saturn transiting the fourth house apparently is associated with personal reckoning with family karma.  I have that transit at present and it makes sense to me.  Sagittarius on my fourth house shows there was a lot of migration tied up with home and family.  Ancestors migrated on the back of losses never fully felt and sought distance, I see that pattern playing out on both my mother and father’s ancestral side.  I see how it has played out in my life and my older sister’s life as well as in the lives of some of her children.

Dad left his home in Holland in 1938 and never looked back.  We never got to know our Dutch relatives until after he died and I am the only one in the family who has made any attempt to connect with them, a fact which really saddens me.  My older brother keeps up a similar distance with his sisters though its changing a bit lately.

In my own life it was my husband who migrated.  I felt so sad when he would return from visits to the UK crying that in 1998 we made the decision to move back there, but complex factors intervened that put that migration to death and maybe for a reason as we were again playing out a pattern or theme.

I hope in time to get back to the UK.  I am not sure that I feel as strong a pull as I have done in years past, now that I am becoming aware of what I am carrying unconsciously.  I think the need I had to come back to Australia from the UK in 2002 was tied up with something my father never resolved.  He left his entire family behind and put his goals up as success and financial comfort, he turned a blind eye to the emotional side, he was hard on me when I needed understanding, support and empathy. Then he died.  My last memory is that we argued on the night before he was taken back into hospital only to die a few weeks later.

On the back of that I went overseas and deep into addiction.  I sought the lost father in all my relationships but I had an unconscious fund of anger towards him that would come out at my partners when I drank.  I also chose partners who were emotionally distant or struggled emotionally to value their own and my feelings.  Even in my 20s and 30s and 40s I could not make truly conscious choices in relationship due to hidden needs and feelings I have been able to connect to and process in therapy over past years.

Phew!  The eclipse on my houses of self and relationship a few weeks ago that activated my natal Neptune Sun square has been powerful and has shed light on so much.  Neptune Sun is the absent father, the lost sense of self that that learns to live and give in sacrifice to others, the person who carries the devalued self due to intense sensitivity.  It has a strong artistic, creative aspect too, as I remember astrologer Liz Greene saying to me when she read my chart in a CPA lecture that art or creativity of some kind would provide a vessel that I could channel all of this through, and of course astrology has helped me to make more sense of it all.

The eclipse in a few days on my natal Uranus should be interesting.  Uranus is that part of us that must find a way to dance to its own unique tune but in such a way as not to totally split off from others and relationship.  Still there us is also a time when we have to say “this is me, trying too hard to win your love, hurts me and wastes my time.. the love I seek must be found within truly before it can be given from without”.   I have tried to give love so many times to those who have pushed me away.  At times I have pushed away love that I felt may tie me down or constrict me.

Ideally in a relationship we accept the power and limits of someone to give as well as our own, we don’t deliberately withhold to hurt others but neither do we give more than we can, we know we have value, we know we can survive alone if we must, but we also know the sweetness that comes when others give to us and we give to others from a place that feels tender, uncomplicated, direct, real and honest with no hidden agenda.  If  we know we have value equal to others we don’t over try, we don’t over compensate, instead we stay grounded in reality and acceptance, even of those things that hurt and that we know we cannot really ever have the power to change.

Write

Write

Its all I want to do

Pour out words

As dusk descends

Bleeding night into day

Dark into light

Pain oozes forth

Between the spaces of words

That others write

Reminding me

Of how much pain there is in a soul

And in the world

Pain that so often

Others cannot bear to know

And so tell us to forget

But we will not let ourselves

Be so cruelly deceived

Anymore

Hold fast and true to your pain

 Beautiful poet

Squeeze those words that tell

Of the letting of blood

Let them stain the page

So we can know

It was not all in vain

Because someone here

Hears

And really wants to know