I cried so much after writing my earlier post about cutting off from Chahir, after reading it back and feeling the truth deep in my gut and my heart I got to see I am just like my parents and did to Chahir what they used to do to me, we had to be busy doing things all the time and there was no emotional holding or time to rest together and be quiet and calm and deeply connected, held inside an inner peacefulness. I may be just like them while railing against them for it.. That said when a friend is in need I try to be there and I know I would always try to comfort someone. I just had to write this to get the feelings out… I feel very sick to my stomach right now.. there is a hard part of me that cuts off when I feel hurt and will go after what it wants even if others need me and that conflicts.. This is such a conflict, one I will have to unpack in therapy on Monday.. I just worry too that as an airy person I intellectualise so much that sometimes I lack the capacity to respond to a loved one who needs me in a place of true feeling… Often I hear this saying my head “hello, I must be going”, sure this is all deeply related to early attachment stuff. I think in some way I abandoned Chahir… or it this all just inner child stuff… sorry folks for this babble but me being me I will post it, just to get it out there.
Chahir is upset with me today.. Apparently yesterday he was joking about my weight and I took it seriously then cut off to go for a walk with Jasper. Today he told me I turned my face away from him, which on some level was true but sometimes there is so much to manage here and I have to get out and get going to feel some life moving through me…
I did all I could to apologise today.. I stood in the shower as my inner child cried out this ‘why does everyone end up leaving me, What did I do wrong?” At the same time I think Chahir was texting me to say he felt abandoned.. Did I abandon him and then make an excuse for doing it? Gosh life is complex.
I just know I have a lot of pain over absence and separation with others but when I tune in to connect to the core of my heart it disappears. Deep inside that space I hear my higher power telling me I do my best and that I ultimately have no control over what other people make of my actions…I honestly don’t mean to harm and I apologised and told him that… if he was here not miles away in Morocco none of this may be a problem but I am such an airy person I need freedom to move and breathe the air, being pinned down or held captive by anything, especially a demanding love would make me feel I was back once again in the crushed up car, fighting for my life, fighting to breathe.. Or maybe in that state a lover who really loved me would hold me as I cried it out, not like my ex who raged at me for it all.
This is my Pisces Chiron wound and today Mercury is very close to it. I looked yesterday and it backtracks to 28 degrees of Aquarius from the 7 to 11 or 12 of March and I think it goes direct on the 10th… So that will be opposing my Uranus which shows where I split off from feeling and try to take flight…Also fight with my Lion’s will to be me, since Uranus is in my chart placed in Leo in the first house.
I also got a text today from one of Dad’s relatives containing a very old photo of the family taken on the lawns of the house in Holland they grew up in.. Dad isn’t in it, but my Aunty Lies, who I came to know and love tenderly, is. I value this connection and hope to get to Holland next year some time to meet my relative Peter Vullings and his family…
Good things are happening in my life despite the rough and struggle, this much I know. I am slowly finding my way… Chahir won’t respond to the texts I sent apologising and trying to explain, but this is fair enough, things go so deep with him and into his heart and to long to be connected to your loved one and have them misunderstand and turn away hurts.. It makes me feel sad that I disconnected as I did yesterday when he felt he needed me but I did try to text him earlier and he was not free.
In the end I may not be able to give him what he needs and will feel all the sorrow that duties called me away for a time, from being present for him… And yet I always carry him and his love deep inside my heart and love him anyway… All I know is this… life is complex, relationships are complex and without forgiveness, sensitivity and compassion its not always easy to reconcile the conflicting expectations and longings that so often drive or end up dividing us.
The following video trailer came through today from the Highly Sensitive Person Newsletter I wanted to share here…. it will be an interesting view as it features singer songwriter Alanis Morrissette and the work of Elaine Aron as well as other therapists and researchers on high sensitivity.
My absolutely favourite place on a sunny day is walking via the parkland to a huge expanse of green oval where I run to my heart’s content with Jasper… Today the huge mower was cycling around us as we ran around playing and throwing the ball in the sun on the soft grass, feeling the cool fresh air on our skin and fur. Then and then I had this amazing feeling and thought “I am free and I am alive.” If you knew the many many years I felt dead and trapped inside my trauma, unable to eat or move or even make it out of the house, terrified to connect with those who would misunderstand or try to put me down, if you knew the pain I went through two times nearly dying it would make sense, but then, many of you who read this have undergone your own trials, challenges, accidents and deep pain too know to be human is TO FEEL AND NOT TO DENY HOW WE FEEL WHICH IS INHUMAN! And to be human is also to seek for ways to deal with and let go of past pain that repeats.
How many times have you been told that you just have suck up trauma or abuse or bad treatment? How many times have you been told you should just ‘get over it’, or ‘put it behind you’, while being shamed or shut down for trying to express the truth? If you think about it we wouldn’t tell someone with a broken ankle they need to stand on it before it heals, so why do we do this to people with Complex PTSD, anxiety or/and depression?
The truth is that this kind of advice comes from those who do not suffer. And yet there is no path through our trauma and pain without re-experiencing it while slowly developing the understanding that we are not trapped in it any more even though it will hold onto us as long as it needs too….
How each of us works with our individual karmic burden is up to us.. I was noticing on the Facebook Ascension Shift page that right now a lot of people are exhausted with trying to support aging family members, they may have had accidents or injuries and are not being helped by compensation and actively made to feel worse by this lack of support. The truth is that right now so many of us need support, but we also need to work to be active advocates for change and what is not working… It can get tiring which is why those free moments of play at the oval with Jasper give me so much.
After I got home and dropped my half full coffee cup while trying to sort leads and errant doggie bags after my walk with Jasper the words of one of my favourite Soul To Soul songs of the 1980’s came to me
Feeling free
Release your inhibitions
Go forward
Achieve your goals and ambitions.
For me my ambitions got drowned when family karma and struggling relatives needed help… I just had Chahir trying to tell me I need fattening up because I am so skinny.. I just disengaged but before I did I said to him. “I like how I am, I may not be as pretty as a few years ago when I had more weight but I lost a lot of it being there for sick family” he then told me he wanted to offend me on purpose.. So I just said “that’s a shit thing to do I am going to walk Jasper.” To which text I got the thumbs up symbol. To be honest it doesn’t upset me thought its out of order.. I just don’t need that sort of shit really, but neither do I want to take my looks to seriously.. what is the point, maybe it was a test to see how seriously I take myself, does it matter? Not really and no one has lived my life…Only I know what has gone on deep in the heart of me and in my family with all its complex dynamics.
All this said I am so grateful to be alive today.. Today I woke knowing my sister who was sick for so many years with anxiety and depression today flew free to attend a course at a beautiful spot in Byron Bay….And I realise I played a part in that by being there and encouraging her in her darkest moments… So no, at this point I don’t have to take shit from anyone. I just have to go free and take steps to tune into and follow my instincts to lead me towards the things that make me feel most alive.
Sometimes people try to imply that anxiety and depression are not real but they are struggles within our mind and in many ways this it true but for so many of us the ghosts and phantoms and negative pulls are very real and summon all our energy… In the end it is our capacity to hold on through the tough stuff and make necessary shifts in perspective that free our energy that matters most. In AA we say the miracle of healing comes with altered attitude or a shift of perspective and sometimes strangely this only occurs after we have descended to the darkest point or place. It is then we hear, the Easter music and decide to take that openhearted leap back into freedom and life.
