Sometimes emotions are like the ocean. . often! We feel the wave rising up or coming towards us and sometimes we run, sometimes the water, waves and emotions crashe over us and seems to almost drown us.. And it is my belief that there can be movements of tides within that have similar themes that keep replaying, rising and falling, themes that have been with us since childhood.
Today I got guidance to read a reading in Pema Chodron’s anthology of collected writings.. This one is taken from her book of teachings The Wisdom Of No Escape. The reading seemed especially pertinent for where I found myself today, in a place of confusion at times as emptiness opened up with a lot of sadness and grief, no text messages for three days and with the need to accept all of the present realities and doubts sown my brother. I am trying just to open to those waves of the cold lonely emptiness that I was used, despite all of Scott’s assurances I could trust and then stand up again to get on with my day and finds places of joy .. today it was found at the lake beach, with a brisk walk, some time in meditation and listening to the beautiful song of a Currawong.. I still am not 100 percent sure of what is real and true.. as I cried in therapy with Kat yesterday, sometimes… often, the world and other humans confuse me so so much.
This is the reading :
Keep Standing Up
I remember my first interview with Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoche(her first teacher) very well because I was hesitant to talk to him about what was really the problem in my life. Instead, I wasted the whole interview chatting.. Every once in a while he said, “How’s your meditation?” and I said, “Oh fine,” and then just chatted on. When it was almost over I blurted out, in the last half second,”I’m having a terrible time, and I am full of anger.’
Rinpoche walked me towards the door and said, “Well, what that feels like is a big wave that comes along and knocks you down. You find yourself lying on the bottom of the ocean with your face in the sand, and your mouth and your ears and eyes, you stand up and you begin walking again. The the next wave comes and knocks you down again. The waves just keep coming, but each time you get knocked down, you stand up and keep walking. After a while, you’ll find that the waves appear to be getting smaller.”
That’s how karma works. If you keep lying there, you’ll drown, but you don’t even have the privilege of dying. You just live with the sense of drowning every time. So do not get discouraged and think, “Well, I was feeling depressed and I was hiding under the covers, but then I got out of bed, and I took a shower. How come I am not living in a Walt Disney movie now? I thought I was going to turn into Snow White. How come I’m not living happily ever after?” The waves just keep coming and knocking you down, but you stand up again, with some sense of rousing yourself (back to life)” As Rinpoche said, “After a while the waves seem to be getting smaller.” That really is what happens.
It felt a blessing to be able to stride out today for a walk despite long panic attacks last night and this morning.. but I managed to surf those tides somehow.. I know the feelings of disappointment and loneliness will come and go like waves but I just need to keep surrendering and then rising up to kept standing and walking forwads as much as I can.