protected?

There are some things

That we instinctively know are just not right

Hurts we struggle with

Violations of a boundary that was meant

To shield our body heart and soul

Keeping us safe and protected

Inside emotional skin

And in this world at times the hidden pain

That makes its presence felt

Tends to lose its true name

And then forces invested in denying the truth

Try to lead us astray

From what our gut knows

From what implicit memory remembers

From what our minds may have blocked

To protect our hearts

When you were a young child

You did not have the power to choose

What happened to you

And even if you were told

This is for your own good

Who really has that right?

For sometimes tormentors just lie

To cover the truth

And sometimes their own inner pain

Is so covered over by defenses of steel

That it no longer becomes a real felt thing

And then it is these tortured souls

Must just enact it vicariously

All the while feeding on the joy

Of seeing the innocent being they were

Projected upon you

Suffer as they did

So no matter how much

They try to cover their tracks

Or turn you against your self

Such abuse

Is not something you ever attracted

Or chose

For it was always

A young child’s right

To be cherished

To be kept safe

To be nurtured

And to be protected

When People Claim Abusers Don’t Know What They’re Doing

A very helpful post.. sometimes being told to forgive is just allowing more damage to keep happening.

Cynthia Bailey-Rug

I once saw a meme that basically said to forgive your parents no matter what they have done to you. They were wounded from their childhood & didn’t know what they were doing to you because of that. It’s up to you to break the cycle.

I’ve noticed this mentality is pretty common, & not always with parents. It can be said with an abusive spouse who was raised watching one parent abuse the other. It also can be said of the mother in-law mistreats her daughter in-law. Her mother in-law wasn’t good to her so clearly she must not know how to be a good mother in-law.

The problem with this is this is nothing more than an excuse. It’s an apologist stand in favor of abusive people. It is so wrong!

While yes, people whose parents abused them may not know how to be a good parent, but…

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Agony

You writhed in agony so many times

But when younger

You were the wild horse

That never could imagine being tamed

And yet somehow you lost the way

To the truth

Of your inner majesty

It can be like this in families

Hungering to be seen

We lose ourselves

And the hidden grief may bury us for years

Underneath the crippling weight

Of a thousand disguises

Lately I have sensed

Forces in our family

Would rather you were dead

They did not know really

The depths of your suffering

I saw it

I even swallowed it into myself

In the end I could not save you

So when your spirit finally flew free

Of this earthly body

Part of me celebrated

While another part grieved

I still grieve for you

But there was nothing else to do

Except to witness it

And now I just pray

You finally are

Free to fly

And that the lessons

That your painful life taught me

Will never ever be

In vain

Breaking free of damage : some reflections

Everything is burning, as the Buddha taught, and to cling to.ourboutdated pictures of reality only breeds great sorrow.

Jeff Foster

It can take time to undo illusions and see a path of loving truth open where once before there was only pain, resentment, hurt, fear, ignorance and misunderstanding. Reading recent posts about parental damage and unkindness passed down on other blogs lately has bought it home to me how much so many of our parents were brutalized, especially those generations coming out of two World Wars as well as the depression.

To be born a sensitive person in this kind of emotionally wounded world is a challenge. In her new book Sensitive Is the New Strong Anita Moorjani speaks at depth on this issue. She recalls how she had to shut her own innate inner knowing and feelings as well as her connection with other worlds, reading it bought back to me the story Lorna Byrne tells in her autobiography of talking with and seeing angels Angels In My Hair. Both women were bullied at school but both heard inner protectors setting them straight that such treatment was most clearly about the wound in the bullies.

Also I am sure if you were part of a Western religion and spoke of seeing angels or having direct communion with God it would have been seen as blasphemy but why not maintain that kind of inner connection as well as keeping fast to the Universal notion of safety and protection as well as the idea of being fully accepted and beloved JUST AS WE ARE INNATELY!

This issue of safety and of having it or not having its development supported within us growing up is something Pete Walker also talks about in his book on Complex PTSD. In the final chapters he speaks of the process of healing from Complex PTSD that he has undergone and witnessed his clients undergo.. He mentions the levels of grief so many of us have to go through as what we are working on healing now is also ancestral He speaks of having to grieve the loss of feelings of safety that would allow us to feel strong enough inside so we felt okay expressing and being our full selves in the world. Because so many of us did not get to develop these our lives grew smaller, we may have missed opportunities to connect or work on developing our gifts.. We may have feared branching out.

In the movie Finding Joe I shared yesterday one of the speakers talked of us growing up thinking we are sheep when really we are tigers, the world would like to turn us into sheep (no insult to sheep here as they have their place) but often it seem the world would rather we dumb down true feelings and inner light or reality as well as our unique God given individuality. And if a child is punished due to that toxic idea that babies or young kids are full of original sin what kind of twisted up message does that give? Taking back the knowing of who we are and reaching to express that is important.

John Bradshaw talks a lot about that issue in his book Healing The Shame That Binds You. In later books he helps us to connect to the inner child and see where feelings of safety, trust, connection and autonomy possibly got severed or wounded in us. Being able to be vulnerable is also something Brene Brown has written on and researched widely…

When we get hurt it can be so hard to throw it off.. For me the brutalizing and shut down lead to a head injury which I have been working for the past 8 years of this blog to come to terms with.. Lately trying to give the love back I miss has been good, but also a challenge at times.. Yet lately I can honestly say self love is something I am feeling.. I actually even allowed myself to sleep in until 10.30 today, that is not something I have allowed myself to do for years

Sadly today I also had to choose to say goodbye to Scott. This hurts and will keep hurting but I tried and tried to help to the point I was totally emptied out.. I have made a new connection and it is a lot more nurturing, more respectful of my boundaries.. I feel the guilt in putting my own needs first but only because that is a new experience for me.. I feared abandonment most of my life and SO THAT PATTERN REPLAYED. IN TRUTH I WAS SO OFTEN ABANDONING MYSELF and I suffered from and struggled so painfully with low self worth.. Sharing with my sister I see she struggled too.. So I looked to role models who did not know really how to love themselves, let alone me..

In Al Anon we say its never to late to give ourselves as well as our inner child the things we needed.. We can remind ourselves we are safe, that is okay to be less busy, stressed and anxious.. We can practice slowing down, being still, connecting to spirit, love, angelic presences and nature..Or being energetic and playful too.. We can encourage instead of put fear into us.. We can learn to step away from damage allowing ourselves to fully know and experience the pain and loss and damage of it, while also after a time of repairing rage, anger or hurt no longer let it tie us up in knots.. We can learn where our bliss lives and where we feel most deeply attuned and do more of those things.

We also do not need to buy into the paralysing fear voices in our culture.. to me it seems, lately, that most of our new media thrives on this, but we always have the choice to unplug.. Moorjani makes the point that for sensitives we also have to watch what we expose our nervous systems to, we naturally vibrate with what is close to us, so if we want to raise our vibration we must be around vibrations that calm and do not damage or injure. This does not mean we deny darker emotions or experiences but that we do not have to fixate on them endlessly.. We can allow them a passage way through our beings, hearts, minds and souls, we can pray for the assistance to release them. We can also pray to be shown our highest good and we can understand too that we are always connected deeply..to a force of love light and safety that truly wants the very very best for us and will help us, if we allow it to guide us into new and more positive new directions,

Wild wind

There was a wild wind in your hair

As you tripped the light fantastic

And danced without a care

Feeling the spirit of joy move through you

Impossible to think of the days

The petrifying gaze

Of the witch

Froze you

But was it even that

Why project the fear of God into you

Like a poison arrow

For if God is dreaming then surely

She dreamt you and I

In all of our perfection

Into existence

So how could anything the creator made

Be the birthplace of sin and ruin?

Strange to think of the way this darkness

Weighted down so heavily

The souls of butterflies

And yet

Even as we retreated into these cocoons

The urgent song of our soul could not be

Completely silenced

Our hidden fire

Associated with shame

Extinguished

So dance now

Women of gold

And let your wild imagination dream

Feel the fire move through you

And never ever again allow your body and soul

To become a slave

Shackled by fear

Longed for love

Your inner child is divine

And it always knew the ways of love

Even when love was absent

That is why it hurt

That is why it grieved

And this is why it lost the way

To home

When it came to believe

His or her soul

Was not made of love

Worthy of love

Capable of loving

There was so much that our parents suffered

Being born when they were

Some of them never got to be and play

And laugh and long

And be emotionally brave

Or be held and known and loved and cherished

And deeply comforted in their pain

Many of them were brutalized

But never could fully realize

The full expanse and depth of it

But you can now

Do your healing work

Open the door on your vulnerability

And as you rage

Reclaim your lost power

For the part of you that is most precious

Is most closely linked to both

Your heart and soul

Those parts of your inner being

The child in you

So naturally can connect to

Do not live in punishment

For one more single day

Shaming the small child in you

Who longed for love

But oh so often

Lost the way to love

Finding Joe : find and follow your bliss

Its a while since I have read some of Joseph Campbell’s writing but this movie about the theme of the Hero’s Journey that he wrote about really highlights the path so many of us travel, in finding our way to our true self and path, often through a separation/dark night journey into the forest. I hope you enjoy this because it resonates and is a composite of interviews with some really interesting writers and philosophers who know the journey through struggle and lostness (loss)first hand.

Inner Child Healing Meditation : Self love meditations

I listened to this last night and it is so beautiful.. I got so much from it.. just sharing it today in hope it may help others.. We all need to love our inner child who is so closely connected to our intuition and our heart.. We so often get driven away from this divine perfect part of us in our society.. We are all unique and as he says only self acceptance leads us to true peace.

“I am knowingly remembering who I REALLY AM!”

Amen!!!!

Made for relationship

A post I was working in two weeks back:

If we are made for relationship, why is it a source of such pain? I guess the answer lies in early attachment wounds, but today when I was reflecting on the impact of parents on the run from Nazism I thought of how hard that must have been, to have to be uprooted from your homeland and forced to another place, often having to sever from connection with loved ones, like the man I met today’s whose Grandmother ended up being killed by the Nazis after being left behind in Germany after part of the family fled for Holland in 1937.

Then today I had a call with my brother and it turns out my only niece is now suffering seizures, we had a talk about the anxiety family history as I know it, I was trying to tell him how I feel anxiety is passed down, has been passed down in our family and we spoke about how Mum’s over-reactions often fueled Dad’s distances and although I did not discuss this with him how I carry both patterns and he and my sister so often carry the distancing once, choosing a silent hidden aloneness of emotional neglect in preference to connecting.. And then to be upset by the way others are which all comes out of their own experiences, well until we understand the roots of how others react as they do, can we really judge at all?

It is lovely for me now to begin to risk closeness again and to know that where ever I may go in the world there is a way to be on good terms with and connect to others. In fact, in the interview I referred to in an earlier post with the indigenous theologian he was saying how a natural earthy spirituality is all about this, its not about escaping, disconnecting, judging or seeking refuge, it is often about being willing enough to let our hearts and mind and bodies and souls open to risk engagement and to find a meeting and possibly an extension of ourselves, for a time, into an alternate world.

Sadly anger and fury may be a kind of ego defense about not getting what we hoped and longed for, and anger may have a message but there is a time to let it go and to realize that perhaps happiness may not be the most important human goal in this life, rather attributes of serenity, acceptance and peace with the reality.. Even if a hard reality.. That said wired as we are for connection when the ones we sought to connect with only hurt, damage, wound or betray us that is so hard too. Is it any wonder in that situation and with a lack of loving, affirming, beautiful, empathic connections, we withdraw, retreat and often stew in terrible pain and resentment for many many years on our healing quest.

Don’t want to be here today

I am flooded right now. I have no power over what my mother left to me.. Now it is down to fucking men having the power and control over everything. My Mum gave my older brother (who is beyond affluent) more inheritance than to her own grandchildren and especially the ones who struggled. And in the end she left it up to me to make it right but how can I when my brother is going to be controlling this for the rest of my life? He is giving all the help under the Sun to one of the grandchildren and ignoring the others.

I am so angry right now. There is nothing I can do sometimes it makes me want not to be here any more, having no control and not even being noticed, and not having the support I hate to be complaining but today it all feels too much. My brother just wants me kept in a box. This is so hard to forgive. My teeth hurt. Spent nearly an hour on the phone today trying to convince my sister to live. And meanwhile where is the energy for my own life? I know we are born for relationship but my family is so disconnected and so avoidant, at times it feels like it will be the death of my sister and I. What leads men to think they can control everything? That makes us silly little women.. Seth Meyers touched on this issue in his Stand Up Lobby Baby.. using the term mansplaining : which means when a man with no idea of what a woman is going through (and zilch empathy) tells her what she is NOT GOING THROUGH.. BUT THE THING IS ITS BEYOND A FUCKING JOKE.. ARE MEN SERIOUSLY THIS WEAK AND IGNORANT AND SCARED???