Golden days before sorrow

How I long to return to the golden days

Before unresolved sorrow took up its residence in this heart

Clouding my vision

Eclipsing the joy of  pure unbridled innocence

Behind terror and fear

Convincing me somewhere deep inside

That in opening my heart

I would never be safe again

God knows the heart has its reasons

For protecting us from pain

And if we have been defeated by love so often

How do we dare to risk and trust again

Opening our heart to others 

But hiding the deeper wounds inside?

We must recover such painful terrain

Littered with corpses we may never

Have had the chance

To lay to rest

Doing our level best

Not to be sucked under

By the swamplands hidden depths

So dear spirit

Arm me with this courage please

Protective inner angel

Let me know demons only long for us

Keep shut the locked doors

That in opening

Would give them air and a space to breathe

And sound out their grievances

Liberating them to fresh air

Freeing our soul to inhabit an open space

Which transports us to

That most longed for comfort

Of the healing place 

But we can never go back on this path of life

And even if it leads us through the fire

So onwards we must travel

And let ourselves burn

Until all the is left is the truth of a soul

Who said yes to the journey 

Through fronting up

And facing it all

Four Questions that can help me be more present and loving with myself

I wrote this post a few years back. It contains some good ideas for being present with ourselves in our bodies. Trauma can make it hard to be present in our bodies with our feelings but if we always try to escape them we don’t get very far. For new followers with love ❤

Emerging From The Dark Night

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I believe that almost all our sadnesses

are moments of tension

that we find paralysing

because we no longer hear

our surprised feelings living.

Rilke.

Perhaps it is a legacy of trauma. Perhaps one of the purposes of trauma is to make us more aware of the intimate connection between ourselves and our bodies. I was recently having a discussion with a cranio sacral therapist who helps clients live with trauma, and she mentioned that one of the consequences of trauma can be a split between our heads and our bodies. Due to the unbearable pain and damage we can take flight away from the body. And, as we do, we loose touch with our soul and become more vulnerable to compulsions. The healing of trauma involves healing this splitting or dissociation. Itinvolves finding a way to be with a body andbeing present to a soulthat might be suffering deeply…

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On fear and exile : some reflections

The bible says that perfect love casts out fear, but who amongst us is perfect in this life? Why is fear so close to love for some of us, why does the promise of love given freely without conditions awaken all those memories and triggers of the times love was conditional upon us being or doing things a certain way?

I know my parents tried to love me but there were times Mum would cut me off with a look or a glance, that could cast me to the outer Hebrides or Frost Freeze emotionally. There as also the time when I was 22 when she walked into my house unannounced one Saturday and found me in bed with my then boyfriend. She stormed out and would not speak to me for days and when she did it was only to tell me what a disappointment it was. When I fell pregnant to him a short while later I told no one at all. I just could not bear the shame and I travelled to Sydney in secret to have a termination at the age of 23. Later when she found out about it after secretly reading one of my diaries shortly after Dad died and confronted me I was then told to go overseas anyway after this boyfriend discarded me. I carried all that in secret and never told a soul and my addiction got worse.

I was thinking today when hit with a wave of the most intense abandonment anxiety due to something said to me because I was expressing fears about how being cast out for us humans is equated with death. In our primal days we needed the tribe to live and support us and its hard to be cast out of somewhere and exiled to a lonely place (emotionally it can literally feel like we might die or fail to stand upright). This kind of exile has happened to me more times than I could care to elaborate on and its led me to cut off too at times when I could not risk going and expressing my heart to the person out of even more abandonment fear or a seering anger. Its a hurdle I have confronted with therapists and the latest time was this week.

Today I had that flood again when I was told if I could not trust I could not love and that love would now be withdraw because I was incapable of loving. Wow it seared my heart. It is searing it now as I share it with you.

The truth is not everyone will shame and discard us. Many years later I am sure my mother was very sorry for what she did but her actions had consequences. When I got sober I had to address the wreckage of not less than 6 terminations of pregnancy. I was triggered this week reading in a novel when the protagonist Pearl has a termination and says she knew it was a living soul and spirit not just an accumulation of cells. But the truth was I did not feel fit to bring life into the world. Even in my marriage when I was newly sober I decided not to carry the baby to term as I felt too young emotionally. My husband was very upset, I know that now because as I shared yesterday he ended up being with a woman who gave him a daughter in the end.

The truth is I love children. Maybe I was too selfish to have them. I even wonder now if I can fully give to another person what is needed in a relationship. To be asked over and over to help more and more and more is very hard. I keep trying to extend myself, but what about helping myself?

I have read in Kyle Grey’s book that fear is a sign that something is very important to us. We may fear losing it, or not getting it and he says the way the Buddha handled it was to acknowledge fear and other demons as Mara and just say “Hello, I see you Mara (or fear, or anger, or jealousy)” We then may have an option to see what the fear is saying to us and act anyway. My experience though is that fear can be paralysing. I know performers and other artists say they use their fear, perhaps it is like a wall of fire we have to walk through to get to the other side, to the much loved or desired thing we wish for and if we fail to pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off and try again. But there also comes a time when we have been exhausted enough by fear that we just want to sit the old dance out. Draw comfort from the silence, know that we have enough and will not actually die from being cast out. That said we need a tribe who see us and get us too. WordPress provides this for me at present. I would be a little lost without it .

The primal fire of abandonment fear will probably be always with me though as its been such a constant in my life, sadly though I am realising lately sometimes I will project it despite the rejection not being there but just imagined by me based on old experiences. Then my life will become so narrow if I really let those projected fears hold sway and fail to find the guts to reach out and seek for belonging anyway. In Al Anon they “Let it Begin With Me” maybe in the end that is what I have to do, feel the fear yet find a way to act anyway.

Twin

Don’t tell me this isn’t real

When I feel it so deeply in my heart

Which tears and tears

At the thought of 30 more months apart

Don’t tell me to find someone new

When my soul knows

What is true

You are my heart and my home

My unconditional resting place

Of joy and hope and happiness

And even though our journey

Has caused me such pain

I would do it all again

Because you are my twin

And no one can keep us

Separated for ever

And if death comes

I will feel you

As I feel your approach now

Moving through the deep waters of my soul

Like the echo of my truest self

That I seemed to be parted from

So very long ago

You hurt me, I hate you

A recent report I read on the current lunar eclipse said that with the Moon in Leo and the Sun opposing it both square to Uranus the tendency to lash out or have a dummy spit out of hurt or pain could be magnified. The astrologer in question recommended holding on and through to find a more constructive approach. It’s not always easy when we are hurting to touch the pain underneath without lashing out reactively. I was thinking about this in the shower this morning as in my early days in AA I read in the bible of recovery The AA Big Book that when we are hurt due to frustration of a longing need or impulse that is when we are most in danger of drinking or resentment (for me eating some sugar is often the way I cope now that I have gained sobriety) and its when we need to sit with the hurt or offence and see what impulse it is that drives us to act in a destructive way.

I guess we could say the achievement of maturity comes with the way we respond to hurts and triggers. For a bit of light relief though I thought I might just share an appropriate Eurythmic’s song with this post because it came to mind contemplating recent events and reading up on how others have been feeling lately in response to unkind and unfair treatment. At times it can be hard not to internalise the feelings and we do need to expel then somehow. I guess if you don’t have access to a canteen of crockery to do a bit of plate throwing you may have to look for another way such as kick boxing (just an idea!!) as recently a friend of mine said she uses this to deal with her own anxiety and painful feelings and it has really helped her!

Look inside

I am contemplating the way I can let things with family upset me. I think if I have a change of view it will be better for me. Sadly I had no children due to not wanting to bring kids into the world until I was ready to be a good Mum and had dealt with my past and by the time I found myself at that point it was too late as my biological clock had wound down.

I recently watched the movie length adaptation of Birdsong starring Eddie Redmayne and I identified with his pain and sorrow over losing his love so much. It was a moving performance and I felt sympatico with the scene in which he tells Isabelle he doesn’t want to bring children into a world where he cannot keep them safe. After this conversation she leaves him and when my husband left his new partner got pregnant fairly quickly and he would not tell me until just before the baby was born (he told my mother first!)

Anyway I cant expect my sister’s family to adopt me and its silly really as my other sister who died has four boys and three of them are always asking me to go up and spend some time with them. So why complain over the ones who don’t want me when the others do?

I just got triggered during that call and globalised it all in a negative way, the inner critic got on my case and I also wonder if as an empath I picked up a bit on my sister’s energy. She was trying to be loving to me by not asking me to pick her up from hospital and asked a family friend instead and this made me feel left out but why should it when actually she was trying to do something good by taking the pressure off me?

I am just writing this as I want to try and reframe the experience I had of dark feelings today into something more positive. I am going to work as hard as I can to take care of myself through all of this. Hearing about happy families together just reminds me that I have not had success in that way and that easy togetherness and closeness is not something I have managed due to my wounds ( on some level I feel like such a failure). It is just Jasper and I now and with Scott deciding the pressure he put me under with money has been too much and promising to return it (but this means we will not meet for 30 months more due to an extended deployment) I am feeling disappointed and sad and sorry for myself. But I don’t like being in this level of pain. It is just not healthy for me. I need to be an adult, and practice some self care as well as accepting the things I cannot change and working to change the things I can.

What is for you.

A very old friend of mine who I met through AA meetings used to say this to me “What’s for you, won’t go past you.” I was thinking about it with reference to not be invited by certain family or embraced. The message I had from inside was to just pull back and let go or at least wait until they come to me and then I wont end up crying every single time I have contact with them. I must call my sister 10 times or 20 times to her one call. Maybe she doesn’t really want me in her life. Maybe I just need to wake the hell up. Maybe I need to keep remembering what my friend (who I don’t connect with any more) used to say to me. If people walk out of your life or don’t seem to want to be a part of yours, it must be for a reason.

Major spin out and dark suicidal feelings

I love my family and feel an obligation to them no matter what so despite the fact my sister has not called me I called her today. We missed each other two times but when we finally connected I had the most intense reaction. I just could not stop crying during the entire call and I came off the phone and had a major spin out and spiral critic attack that went on for over an hour. I am not entirely sure why these calls trigger me so much but she was asking me about things of late and I told her they have been very tough and that I am tied up in knots about all the past dramas with supposed scammers and trust issues, she was sympathetic and it turns out she is being released from hospital and going down the coast with her son the next day. I just started crying when she spoke about swimming in the ocean down there. Its the place my Dad built and we had some time before he died. It is where I went shortly after being released from hospital after spending three and a half months in skeletal traction there after being so badly smashed up at 17. Somehow the call just triggered the entire trauma spiral in me and its been intense because after my conflict with my therapist Kat over the weekend which was resolve yesterday I was left with intense heat and burning in my body all localised around the middle of my bottom lip. It felt like there was a hard splinter lodged there of iron filings on fire and that it was trying to work its way out but no matter how much I twist this way and that I cannot spit it out.

I know I have major lessons in letting go. I felt a bit rejected by my sister’s family over Christmas but maybe its my fault. Past Christmases I wanted to keep to myself so maybe that is the reason I was not included. I just would love to be included but its not going to happen if I don’t make the effort and part of what went on during the attack was seeing my own part in things. If I had trusted more, didn’t feel I needed to isolate things may be different but at times her family could be harsh and cutting and scathing in their criticisms of others and it used to make me wary and frighten me a bit especially after I got sober.

I just know my pain body got triggered big time during and after the call. I had one of these spiral attacks where I felt like I was dying and at the end of it I was having very very intense suicidal thoughts. All I could see was a life of loneliness and darkness I have created all alone here, which does not take into account the hard work I have actually done to build connections over the past years (genuine ones) but when the critic gets a hold of me he savages and decimates and obliterates everything good in my life. After it I was thinking of Robert Firestone’s work with destructive inner voices which he claims lay behind suicidal impulses. I am sure anyone reading here who has struggled with suicidal impulses will know those voices well the are global and completely destructive and attacking and they are savage telling us EVERYTHING WE HAVE EVER DONE ENDED IN DESTRUCTION. THAT THE WORLD WOULD BE FAR HAPPIER PLACE WITHOUT US IN IT. And accompanying these voices today was just the most complete and utter feeling that overtook me that nothing is worth living for right now.

I am sorry to be sharing all of this as I know its not a ‘positive’ post but one thing I promise all followers on my blog I will be as real as I can even on the dark dark days. The intensity of some of the feelings has passed now but I did also glimpse some darker truths with this attack, much as I can blame others at times I know its my actions that have instigated certain consequences most often allied to going it all alone because of the fear I would be overpowered or repressed or shut down in some way. The head injury I sustained in 2005 was on the back of a lot of conflict with my Mum and Sister. Nasty things were said to me and they still run around my head in dark times. There were there in the rooms in therapy yesterday when Kat and I were talking of how my anger kept me alive but also ended up rebounding upon me in all kinds of negative ways. I now see Mum was trying to support me at that time in the best way she knew how but because she found her own feelings hard to deal with mine were too and often I was shamed or misjudged for them. It hurt a lot at time and I remember Mum saying to me after a confrontation in 2014 where I bought all of it up again “I wish you could have just told us in a calmer way how much what we did to you hurt you”… yes Mum but at the time I COULD NOT. I unfortunately could only scream and yell and attack and blame. I am not saying that anger was not justified but in the end it ended up pushing everyone away.

And now I see the truth is I AM POWERLESS OVER SO MANY THINGS IN MY PAST and the hurts still linger. The pain body can really ark up at times when I feel a sense of being excluded or rejected real or imagined. At times like this I probably just need to comfort my inner child and deal with the pain in as adult and loving a way as possible, for what is the use of rubbing salt into a wound that is still open and festering? I WILL PROBABLY CARRY THIS WOUND FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, just like the mythical Chiron. I’m just SO SICK OF THE PAIN IS ALL. AND I AM PRAYING TO GOD THAT SOMETHING COULD WORK OUT FOR ME… JUST ONE GLIMMER OF SUNLIGHT OR HUMAN CONNECTION AS ITS FEELING VERY VERY DARK TODAY.

Let love be your guiding light : fear versus love

We are human and we fear so many things so it is only natural we will allow fear to block us at times and at others it can be a great motivator to get us moving and it may help us to survive but only in certain situations. When fear represents False Evidence Appearing Real and then we want to Fuck Everything And Run, fear gets to be problematic. For some of us with past trauma or chronic self doubt or poor people skills and understanding or basic trust in human nature due to unhealthy parenting or harsh experiences fearful thinking can just run us at times and limit us in every kind of way. It can block us from new experiences. Once we have an understanding of what hurts and is helpful for us based on past injuries we can get to make new choices too, from what we have learned if fear and negative thinking does not keep us blocked.

I am a big fan of Marianne Williamson maybe I relate to her writing as she also went through addiction recovery and came to see how the narcissistic form of seeking love from a fear based consciousness could dominate in her life and the lives of others leading us to self protective strategies that may actually block us from faith and hope and trust and opening our hearts again.

Today I am going to share this particular meditation of hers with readers. I hope it resonates for some of you.

May my way be unblocked today, as I unblock my heart.

The path before me isn’t set in stone, but in my consciousness. All fearful thoughts result in fear, all loving thoughts result in love. I unblock my heart today, that I might walk a path of love.

No matter what path I have taken to this moment I my life, I can change it as I change my thoughts. I forgive myself and others; I let go of the past and release the future; I remember that there is no limit to the miracles that can come from God. Thus am I released from fear, and set upon a path of love.

May my mind not stray from love.

May my heart not stray from love.

May my feet not stray from love.

Not today or ever.

You cannot heal something you cannot accept.

An early post I wrote a while back while healing from my last relationship. Painful realities can be hard to accept but we cannot move on from them until we do.

Emerging From The Dark Night

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Life can pitch us some very raw deals.  When we have been hurt or are hurting it can seem to be a cruel suggestion that we need to accept something we don’t like or that hurts us.  And yet accepting something does not mean that we say something that happened is okay.  Most of the time is not okay.  But the main point I have found is that until I can accept something I cannot find freedom from it.

I have just been reading a comment on a reply I left on the blog of Let Me Reach, devoted to the healing of people coming out of a relationship with a Narcissist.  I was sharing how difficult a journey it was to find freedom from all the nasty things my ex narcissistic partner would say to me. Mostly what riled him was my ability to be and express my…

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