Love song

A very touching and beautiful poem.

Life and Times of a Quirky Character

Do not hesitate

To stop me

From wandering far from reality

Please ask for my hand

As I stumble down the stairs

Keep in mind all the words

I have told you

And listen carefully to the hum

I sing with the morning

When you hear this song

And only then

Can I call you home

Be my safety in the night

Until I sing my tune in the morning

You must understand

That it is unusual

For me to act this way

So unfettered from anxiety

So please listen to me

As I sing a song about you

And the morning

As I hum to a beat

You have helped inspire

Do not hesitate to

Join my hand in yours

And listen to the melody

Of my love for you

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All the ways you tried

I see it now because my heart is clear

All the ways you tried

All the ways you loved

And how hard your young life was

And how little comfort you found

There was much more to you

Than just being my mother

You knew great loneliness

As I have

Yesterday I danced the pain

The pain you could not express

But is my hearts pain

And with me in the dance were those who have passed

As I danced

I remembered deep in my soul

The sorrow of loss

But also the beauty of their presence

Shadow presence of Poppa hovering

Black hat black tie standing in the rain

The lovely one I never knew

And was too young to remember

Feeling only

Ghostly imprints in my soul

Casting shadows of fear over each new relationship

In my heart

In the dance

I felt the love that was lost

And I felt the anger that covered over the pain of knowing

That coming into the family toward the end

Meant I would have less

Less holding

Less comfort

Less connection

Less of the cosy jumper

Instead I lived to see Pluto trample in

And steal everything

In hob nail boots

Until only injury sorrow and emptiness

 Lay around us like wreckage

Leaving those of us who remained

Inconsolable

Barren

Cast into the wilderness

I went numb for so many years

I was the lost soul wandering

Like Lilith forced out into the dark

To find my way

Through a burnt out landscape

Littered with glass shards of sorrow

Feet were cut and bleeding

After frenzied dances

How my soul ached

With things that could never be spoken

And so in time my vision blurred

And my heart became a beast of hurt

Pumping heat and fury

Between the time lostness and tears

So much emptiness and fear

And others feared getting too close to me

In case they were burned

But the burning was all a part of the process

For a heart’s fire that is loved

Mysteriously transforms into something else

When there is enough trust in the dark

Bringing a dawning into life

Of the healing light of tenderness

Birthed from agony

Light that streams down upon me

In the dance

As love rises up

And swirls

So much love

That I fear my entire being will burst with it

And so, at the end

I see all the ways you tried

All the ways you loved

And all the ways that for so many years

I sadly could not see any deeper

Than my own hurt

And so often

Pushed others away

With an anger

That hid so deep within it

A longing for connection and love

Belonging, authenticity and self acceptance

Wow I found this when I was looking for quotes and images to put on my post on self acceptance.  I find Brene Brown has some incredible insights into acceptance, authenticity and shame but this one hit me to the core.  I have so often I felt as though I didn’t belong as I was trying to fit myself to situations where I felt out of step, but in recent months, and when I have found myself into those same situations being myself, loving myself and not being besieged and assailed by critical inner shaming or invalidating self talk lately I have felt a far greater sense of belonging and I have been able to be more authentic.  That is so powerfully expressed in this quote, I felt the need to share it. Also in those situations when I have been real it has encouraged others to be real and open too. Its such a gift!

Rejection sensitivity : some insights

As humans, we have a fundamental need to belong and to maintain close bonds with others. Anything that threatens this need can set off psychological alarm bells, prompting us to do whatever we can to prevent rejection from occurring or to save face if it does. But for some people, this alarm system is hypersensitive, […]

via How Rejection Sensitivity Derails Relationships — PushUP24

The 5 Defense Mechanisms that Can Sabotage Your Relationship

A brilliant window into defense mechanisms. How honest can we be in facing our dark side?

PushUP24

Everyone uses defense mechanisms, and if you believe Freud, everyone has to in order to avoid staring in the face of our worst anxieties. Even if you don’t believe Freud, it’s hard to argue with the position that we all occasionally rely on such common forms of managing our most difficult feelings by pushing them out of awareness. In close relationships, where your deepest emotions are often aroused, it’s even more likely that you’ll rely on your defenses to help you manage those emotions. As it turns out, some of the most common defense mechanisms may make you even more anxious by getting in the way of your relationship happiness. A new paper by Wei Zhang and Ben-yu Guo (2017), of Nanjing China’s Normal University suggests which defense mechanisms are worst, and by extension, how to turn them from maladaptive to adaptive.

According to Zhang and Guo, researchers have moved…

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Stay strong : keep on fighting

I would never have imagined in my wildest dreams I would title a post keep on fighting but I am aware more and more lately how strong positive powerful (true power grounded in wisdom and authenticity) is and how much we suffer without it.

My infected tooth is causing me all kinds of physical problems and my prosthodontist who has made my new denture cannot take it out for 3 months.  I am not prepared to go through this much pain and discomfort for 3 months so today I made the decision I will find someone else to take the tooth out and even if I have to go through life for the next few months without 3 front teeth once they cut the temporary bridge away I will have to do it.  I am sick of having to swallow shit when something I need needs to be done cant be done and is adversely affecting my health, not to take action is not self care in this situation.

When I get a powerful assertive impulse like this something in my AA training arks up and tells me I am not ‘letting go and letting God’ not accepting the situation.  How am I supposed to accept a situation that is leading me to bad health, when there may be an option to go another way and get the thing sorted.   There simply is a time to fight.

In my life I think one of my major problems has been that I can be too passive.  When I need to assert myself or stick up for something I don’t do it.  I have got better at this lately but there are still areas where I just suck up things that are hurtful and put up with difficult things.  I may not be able to change certain things but there at times when action is called for.  Over the past week ever since I got that news from the prosthodontist I have been in a very dark and negative place with so much anger and fury, frustration, resentment and rage.  I passed through me yesterday and I have felt clearer and cleaner ever since about essential truths.  I had several dreams where fires were raging on household items over the past two nights.  I managed to put them out.  In another dream I was stuck up high on a wall and it was dangerous to come down to the ground but finally I made it.

I am conscious I need to earth myself in reality.  There are some harsh truths I am having to accept and I am also having to see the part I played in certain events where others acted hurtfully towards me.  I am also seeing where childhood pain and hurt kept me paralysed in a space for years where it was impossible to move forward.  I was with a very strong partner for 4 years who could be a bit emotionally abusive but what I am seeing more and more lately is that he carried for me a strong aspect of my own shadow.  He was able to be very self assertive, know what his needs were and go for them regardless of how that affected anyone else and lately I am seeing that is not what I have done.  I have been the ‘nice’ girl and possibly an inverted narcissist myself in that I have been trying to get my own needs met by meeting the needs of others, not on any conscious level, but on a deeply subconscious one, thinking that if I am only ‘nice’ such niceness will be returned which is rarely the case.

I was googling some anger quotes for a blog I wrote the other day and I came across one that said how anger is due to frustrated expectations.  It seems that if I want to work with my anger issues I have to become more aware of what I am expecting consciously or unconsciously and see how realistic that expectation is.  In short order its about emotional and spiritual maturity.   And if needs and expectations are being frustrated consistently I may need to change my approach or look for another way to get them met, recognising at the same time just what I am powerless over.

And I need to take positive action towards things that are good for me, rather than sitting around ruminating on what hurts me over and over again.  I do believe a certain amount of rumination is helpful, we need to get to the bottom of things and that can require a load of introspection.  When I posted a post the other day with a video on overthinking part of me baulked afterwards because at times we do need to use our minds, but there is also a time when over thinking can become counterproductive if difficult, negative or anxiety producing thoughts are being run over and over and over again.  And I am sure there is a link between this and anxiety attacks, with all the over thinking we may also not be truly feeling the reality that we need to feel in order to burst free.

It seems to me that in this complex and at times deeply confusing, heart breaking and disturbing modern world we need a strong inner fire or flame to sustain us inwardly.  When our fire is put out or stolen from us in childhood through some kind of trauma or abuse we can spend years in an icy wilderness trying to draw close to the fire of others, most especially abusive people who burn and dissolve us to a pile of ashes or a puddle of water.  Yet even these are elements we can work with to regain our fire and flow.  We just need the right help and the ability to turn around and light our own fire and champion our own vital inner child or inner flame.   We need to find the ability to fight when we need to and the wisdom to surrender or let go, too when that is what is called for.  But often the later comes after a time in which we have struggled to a point where at times we have felt almost defeated by life and yet somehow in some way that defeat ends up becoming just a huge step on the way to finding and building our inner strength.

So today, even though it is freezing and foggy, and my frozen fingers are like ice as I type and so often missing the keys, I will go forward in my day finding the light, seeking the warmth, taking the actions steps that I need to take to take care of me.

Thanks to Lucky Otter : a great post on the roots of NPD

In preparing to write this article, my intention had been to highlight how narcissistic personality remains largely misunderstood by the public. Specifically, I have found that most of the clients and everyday individuals I talk to about narcissism tend to associate narcissism with a sense of superiority, meaning that they understand narcissists as having an […]

via The Root of Narcissistic Personality Is Rarely Discussed — PushUP24