Find a way

Even though there is an emptiness around me now

I still hear the faintest echo of love

That wants to sing its note

Despite all of the heartbreak of past days

There are still moments of peace

Which puncture the deep despair

I have felt recently

So deeply inside my heart

Now that his words of love have gone

And I remember the other songs

That graced this time of hoping he would come

To share our flight to heaven

There is a solid base of something real

And even though it seems there is no longer

This other soul to rely upon

Somehow someway

I must find a way to carry on

Living in hope that one day

The rawness of this pain

Will pass

And in time

My soul will find its wings

To rise above again

I have come through and I am hurting but okay

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to those who have been there for me as I have faced these last painful days. I know the feeling of wanting to die and that I am all alone will come and go. I am struggling hard to hold onto a sense of my own goodness even though part of me is disappointed with myself that I could not cut out of this scam far earlier and truly taken off my blinkers to see it for what it was. I persisted in romantic illusions.

I am sorry to those who tried to point it out but as I just shared in therapy I had to work this out for myself but to do so I needed the help of that other person who also got caught up in this terrible mess. So i owe her a lot.

I had therapy today so I am working through my feelings the best I can. My lonely childhood is around me like a ghost many days. I know what I endured over years will never fully leave me. In the chaos and emotionally barren desert I grew up I foundered. Seeking answers also caused pain and separated me from those I loved or tried to love. It bought me to connecting with someone who would only take me deeper into that emptiness and original wound. But here that emptiness receeds when I give and receive love by those truly capable of it and by bearing witness to the raw truth of the journey with others who do too.

I take great comfort from those who affirm my strength and love me within my very real human vulnerability and weakness.

There are huge lessons coming out of this for me. I hope to be braver in the future but I took risks all along knowing it was highly likely I could be deeply hurt. I did what I did and got what I got. The best I can offer is facing up and doing my level best to go forward even with the pain in my heart this has caused. Thank you for reading caring and all your beautiful comments. I owe you guys my life and sanity. 💖

killing me

the vacant space you left

is filled with emptiness

its hard to breathe today

All the words you used to say

live on inside of me

with their messages of love

so different to the inner voices

I struggled with before

and as much as I have chosen

To close the door on this

my heart will not allow me to do it

its suicide territory

trying to find the way through

the pain

and when I saw his face

and the soldier’s arms

that held a gun

I thought my heart would come

totally undone again

who is this man

who seems to hold the final link

between you and me

I dare not open the door again

for I fear my heart

will be blown away

and anyway

as it is

grieving the end of us

is nearly killing me

tough day

it was a very tough start to the day today. I got a friend request on Facebook last night from someone I think associated with ‘Scott’ so that really triggered my body, also in the afternoon yesterday I watched the first two episodes of Patrick Melrose which is a very real and manic tale of a drug addict and his violent terrorising abusive father, played brilliantly and very scarily by Aussie actor Hugo Weaving. To watch the ordeal that Patrick puts his body through with drugs in order to try to manage the pent up feelings left from a devastating childhood of emotional abuse and enmeshment was tough going. I had to turn the second episode off several times when I began to watch it last Sunday night but never the less I persevered yesterday because the performances are amazing and the director shows what a body goes through in an attempt to manage the profound cocktail of shock/terror left in a victim of Complex PTSD.

Today I spiralled back into profound feelings of grief around Scott. I keep hoping somehow the story he told is all real, in time he will get free of his deployment without my help and find a way to get here somehow (like he always promised). I keep thinking of the things he told me about where he went to school in Canberra and his favourite restaurant in San Antonio which checked out online. Another part of me has deep empathy for myself for persisting in this illusion.

I woke at 4.30 with all the body symptoms, I kept seeing the image of this guy on Facebook with his gun and wondering who the hell he is. And memories of all the limited things Scott could tell me about what is going on where he supposedly is were running around in my brain. I was bound from the beginning by a thing called opsec and persec which tells wives and family and friends of military exactly what they can and cannot say about anything associated with their loved ones on deployment with the military. When he first asked me to read up on this if I wanted to talk to him I got a bit wary and balked. I did what he asked and its been hard with my blog where I am very honest. Anyway I am sure it was all a ruse to limit me but another part of me keeps thinking of how he asked me to never stop talking to him even if I never sent any more money. I promised black and blue I would never abandon him but on Thursday I had to cut the contact by deleting the app. I had just reached my limit of tolerance.

What is hurting a lot is not having the connection but on another level as I shared yesterday its also freeing as I was on constant alert for notifications and getting sick of the demands. I feel freer but I am in a very dark sad space today. I managed to eat a very last breakfast and I was so shattered I just sat in the sun on a chair crying for a long time. I got up and swept some leaves. It felt even too much to open my blog until just a short while ago. I must be honest I also sat in the car a while ago and considered taking my life, but as soon as the thought came I remembered the love of my Word Press community and that meant the world to me and gave me the chink of hope to go on. I haven’t heard from my sister and that really hurts. I hate to call it selfishness because I don’t know where her head is at but it still FUCKING HURTS. I wont say more as I don’t want to expect anything any more. Her head is so far up her own backside its unbelievable.

Anyway no one was there emotionally for me in my family, not really although I will say my Mum did try inconsistently at times and my older sister’s third son has been a good support considering all he struggles with as well. When I was in a dark place earlier I just gave myself as much love as I could from my witness self. The part of me that wanted to die was sharing that and the WS was saying it understood those painful feelings and where they were coming from. It also said to my hurting self that its only natural that this latest thing happening to me on the back of everything is so so so painful. How could it not be? I am grieving the hope of a life of love I was seemingly offered by someone that was a self created fiction. And sadly I feel for it. It fed into all of my abandonment issues. And the cold hard truth is that my family is probably always going to me just Jasper and me and somehow I need to keep counting my blessings for the good things that are in my life, such as a comfortable home, Word Press friends, my beautiful dog, sun, nature, music, books, films and food. I don’t want to get stuck in ‘poor me’ or self pity but at the same I do need to honour the depth of the wound I have carried and feel inside today. With the Moon in Cancer in square to Mars and Chiron its only natural I will be feeling it very deeply today and be very very emotional.

New beginning

Here i sit with all my memories

Feeling deeply into the heart of me

Home inside my skin

Next of kin all passed

On through

Into the ethereal blue

And now my heart no longer aches

Quite as much as it used to do

Because heaven has most certainly shone

So many blessings upon me

Even in the midst of pain

And the secret is

Not to resist anything

Just allow it all

To pass on through

Because even in the midst

Of all that hurts

You can find the hidden secret

Of releasing suffering

For the eternal part of you

Intinctively knows how

To renew itself

When what was no longer meant for you

Finally leaves

You free to seek

Your new beginning

Washed clean

This grief will wash you clean

So do not dam up the river flow

Of a heart that so sorely needs to release

The truth of everything

That happened to you

Do not allow the brace they made

To reign you in

The bit and bridle they fashioned

To silence your instincts

Or impulse to run

In the right direction

Under the biding of your own soul

For god knows

Heaven arising

Depends upon this

A cleansing of what must be

Washed clean

And purified

An undoing as well

Of all of the lies

That the devil told

Seeking only to lay to wilderness

The eternal springs

Of our verdant soul

Grieving and letting go : some thoughts

I am beginning to understand that in order to release things we have to feel the real emotions related to them and this runs counter to what we are told by people in so called ‘modern’ culture, that if we feel our feelings we will just get overpowered by them and stuck in them so we should look around out there for a quick fix, a new relationship, a new dress anything to take away the pain. Yet as Rumi says to us in the poem Guest House, every feeling that comes to us and is a visitor or guest and pain also has a meaning for us and not feeling our true feelings just leads to more suffering if we continue to deny them. That said not releasing feelings and letting them move through us also prevents the letting go process.

I was watching an episode of the UK drama Unforgotten on tele last night and in this particular episode a doctor visiting and recently bereaved man is telling him he will share in his tears over the loss of his wife, that it is right to grieve and speak of his loved wife. He explains that everyone grieves differently, and also that if we have had a lot of associated losses they may be triggered with a new one so it may be more complicated grieving process than for others in that situation.

I am also listening to the reading of Joan Dideon’s book The Year of Magical Thinking at the moment which tells of her experience having her daughter undergo a number of brain operations and then the death of her husband from a sudden heart attack. In one portion of the book she says that in modern times with the focus on happiness we are not able to face or move through grief as well as other cultures which offer grief an open place to be endured, recognised or witnessed.

I would say the single most important issue I have struggled with in sobriety has been to do with my own complex, unresolved grief. And its interesting that at the time of year my Dad was diagnosed with cancer I have undergone another loss which woke up all the other ones I have endured over the past 35 years. I was able to cry openly about it in an AA meeting yesterday and also say how when I struggled in the aftermath of my accident and with Judy’s aneurysm I started to secretly drink in order to try and cope each night when Mum and Dad went to the hospital.

When we don’t get help to recognise, manage and deal with our feelings that is when I feel we start to look around from something to ease the pain. I noticed last night that after sharing all those feelings and releasing them in the meeting I didn’t have my usual strong desire for ice cream and chocolate. And I am wondering if there were not elements of relationship addiction involved in what I went through with Scott as since he is gone I don’t crave his texts quite as much as I did even a day ago, that said part of me does miss them and him and the love he offered. But I think now I may be bringing that ability to love back inside myself.

I know fellow recovering addict John Bradshaw always says the grieving is the healing feeling. Grief help us to acknowledge what was taken had value or what we did not get was a source of pain because that much longed for thing had value to us and was a need. We can’t just blow it off as some spiritual practices that involve what John Welwood has named ‘a spiritual bypass’ do.

In the end we have to go into the belly of the whale and spend some time there when we grieve which calls to mind that powerful dream I had years ago of my sister and I walking on the shoreline of the beach of our coastal holiday home and watching a whale beach itself right in front of us and the words she said to me. “The whales are such sad creatures.” I have been walking that shoreline with her for the past years since we lost both Mum and Jude.

Today I am glad I can cry. I am glad I can feel and acknowledge my pain. I have actually been out today and eaten well and I am not half as stuck as I was even a year ago in unresolved grief. So never apologise for crying and when someone needs to vent their tears, do them a favour and give them some space and support to do it. Because feelings that continue to stay trapped inside can only end up hurting us all or turning into toxic second hand emotions and thought forms.

More attempts to process my scam experience (please bear with me!)

I love the scene in the movie Must Love Dogs where John Cusack’s character explains his theory that hearts have to break so they can break open to experience a new depth of love. At the moment I am trying my darndest not to run from my heartbreak and confusion. I stood in the shower earlier with water streaming down my body with all the things Scott had said to me repeatedly over the past 18 months running round in my brain. “Take good care of yourself and Jasper, Honey. I gotta go now. I will text you when we are done. I’m sorry I couldn’t speak to you earlier, we had an emergency alert! Those terrorists just wont stop killing. Don’t forget it the third Thursday of the month and we will be moving our early! This isn’t your fault its all my fucking fault. Why did I ever ask a kind hearted woman to get me out of this hell? I hate it when you are hurting. It really makes me hate myself. I am just a shit! I swear to you I don’t know who Jennifer Richards is but she just wants to ruin this relationship. I know you don’t trust me any more so maybe its just my fate to die here.” Oh and then there was the treatise on how healthy relationships require trust and honesty and commitment.

I don’t want to go over and over this stuff but its best I vent it out there rather than just let it circle round and round. I don’t want to get stuck in it. The imagining of him turning up and the life we would share, as he promised… cooking, eating, singing and dancing together fed a beloved fantasy. Someone to be with to have a great time whose soul was attuned to my own but it was all lies even though up until the last morning we texted before I deleted the app he was still saying if I sent the final amount we would still be together. Mostly what I am grappling with is why I didn’t cut earlier and yet THE COLD HARD FACT IS I DIDNT. Ruminating over it wont help but never the less it happens and I try my best to nip it in the bud when it does. I am sure millions of woman out there are going through or have gone through the same thing.

I connected with Karl my male friend again today to tell him what happened, he told me people like Scott prey on the ‘weak’ which was hard to take but yes I have to own I was not strong in not letting go far far earlier when he first asked for money and I accused him of scamming and he sent me a photo of a diamond ring. Not that I wanted to marry him but it was the romance of it I fell for.

I am not going to bore my followers going over and over this but I am smack bang in the middle of the processing phase right now. I find myself falling into hopelessness at times. I feel lost. I did get out for a few hours to the markets and its wildly windy here today. Not a great day for a walk with Jasper. That said when I get home to my cocoon I feel better. I will eat some lunch soon. Writing and posting helps me in a way just writing and keeping it in drafts does not. My nephew did say to me yesterday that me being so open on my blog makes me prey to these things, but I spend all my days alone with a dog who doesn’t talk back. I need to change that and there are people to reach out to, but Id rather be openly sharing because that is just what works for me. I know it makes me vulnerable but there you are. I am a wear my heart on my sleeve kind of person although I am learning at times it may be bad to trust so openly and I will never again send money to someone I have never met. That was stupid and I have learned my lesson.

Wild winds

Wild winds blow

I do not even know

What I am here for any more

And danger seems to circle in the air

Reminding me of how precarious

Is reality

When the full force of nature’s power

Could take us down

With a single blow

I used to know

What is was my heart beats for

Beyond the idea that that is just

What hearts are designed to do

But lately everything seems to have fallen

Or been swept away

I fell for the lies

And lived in illusions

Not finding the inner strength to cut the cord

To put an end to delusion

And now I question how and why

I could have believed for so long

And I know there is no answer

But the desire of a heart to love

And be loved

So much it was willing to believe

In fairy tales

You tell me the weak are preyed on

Am I weak?

Or was I just seeking a way

To find relief

From loneliness

That would have better been faced

Taken to God

Only the heavens above know

For now as wild winds blow

At times I am just lost

So deep inside

All of this confusion

Grieving a reality that was not real : today’s reflections

It was an effort to pull myself into the day today and out of the swirl of emotions, thoughts, questions and confusions that were playing through my mind this morning when I woke at 7 am. I had a rather good day yesterday despite the deep sadness of letting the ‘dream’ of Scott and I go. I made myself completely vulnerable at the AA meeting yesterday and feared judgement though everyone seemed to show compassion. This shows me something about myself, but I am also realising what shaky ground I was standing on following Mum’s death with I first connected online with Scott. Last night in a series of powerful dreams I was trying to help a man who was deeply grieving a loss but in the initial part of the dream I was being hunted by police for daring to encourage people to grieve because one of the officers wanted his grief kept under wraps. It was a fascinating dream and had elements of the traumatic events of the past year or so with the bank featured in it. At one point my accounts were all frozen in the dream.

Today as I think of the person Scott created in my mind (a soft, tender, non retaliatory guy who loves to play guitar and joking around) I miss him so much and yet I know somewhere he isn’t real and now its up to me to make my own happiness. To be honest despite all of the sadness that is a kind of relief on one level and its making me face some tough truths. I realise that I often don’t take the tougher road when I need to because as an empathic dreamer I just go too passive or have expected others to do it for me. And yet when I think of the kind of life I love it is a life somewhat removed but what its removed from is the mechanical ungrounded life that I was also beginning to live in my head a lot of the time. For me I do best when I stay anchored deep inside my inner life and world and I asked for a guidance in meditation today and was told to read a page in my daily reader that talked about the Inner Teacher, the reading said that we all have inside of us this part of us which knows what to do and how we feel, the trick is to tap into it and undo the programmes of society and culture and parenting that lead us so far away from it.

I believe in our society we are constantly bombarded with images of how we ‘should’ be living. There are also ways we ‘should’ be behaving if we want to belong or be loved. I think in the end the journey to find the way forward to our own integrity and wisdom is the most important journey we can take in this life and the truth is that ‘Scott’ led me away from mine, into lying to the bank and getting involved in subterfuge which made me anxious (because I knew it was wrong!!!). I was also reading something by Tian Dayton that said if we are anxious we need to figure out if it is fear or anger. I got angry with ‘Scott’ so often but all I did was lash out instead of assert proper boundaries and take corrective action. In short I got led along a merry garden path to hell. So as sad as I am that its not going to come to pass a part of me is feeling so released and relieved and more ‘real’ and grounded in reality than I was before. I also feel peace not constantly on edge for when that bloody app would ping with a notification. This latest experience had shown me that often we experience sadness when we are duped or fall away from a path that is good or right for us. And its only natural to feel so sad at betrayal.

Today I must confess I fell into a feeling of being so lost. I realised I had looked in the wrong place for the answer ie. towards a relationship. I had hoped to share a loving life with this guy who kept saying all he wanted to do was support me, but in the end it was a lie. I have to support myself and that’s all good, I can do it, after all I am an adult. So all in all as much as I grieve ‘Scott’ what I am really grieving here is the loss of an illusion and it has so many elements of my father’s great distance and emotional unavailability tied into it. But maybe I will carry that archetype for the rest of my life. I just do not know as life has is own plan for me.

Today as long as I can write I can ground. My WordPress ‘family’ and my dog and my therapist are my true and real supports now. I realised lately the relationship with my sister is quiet empty on some levels for me, I have called her three times since she came home and haven’t heard from her. At the moment I am going to wait for her to come to me this time. I continued to support her throughout that last long hospitalisation but I am not going to be the one doing 80 percent of the work any more. When I listen to what my higher power wants for me lately, it truly is to nurture my own life and those loving relationships which actually give something to me, rather than the ones that empty me out or are generated by my lost inner child’s co-dependency. And maybe my sister doesn’t really need me as much as I felt I needed her after Mum died. I tried hard to be close but it only seems to go one way most of the time, and if look honestly into my heart, I am getting tired of it. Many people shared at the AA meeting yesterday that they struggle with family, so I am most definitely not alone.