A place within the pain to find a place outside the pain.

I awoke a little while ago to a golden morning.   I had such a fitful night last night.  I never take any medication but last night I took a Panadol hoping it would allow me to rest.  My body has been all over the place since the anniversary of my accident trauma.  I was also not fully aware of how much my nephew’s visit triggered and the aftermath of feeling.  I was up and down last night and had all the spasms and shock releases in my body which feels like it is trying to unwind.  I wind myself up in my mind with worry over my dog and my mother.  Despite the fact my relationship with my Mum is complex now she is aging so much and in pain I am full of care, this conflicts with feelings of frustration I have in longing for freedom from worry, care and trauma and anger I feel over past hurts.  But the truth is way more complex than I can fully express in any blog.  There are times I know she wanted to support me but since she struggles to accept her own emotions and responses (or does so under the cover of silence and protection like a lot of Scorpios) she hasn’t been able to validate me in the ways I wished, nor fully acknowledge her part.

I was watching the movie Thanks for Sharing for the second time on the weekend and I got triggered in the scene where the son of the older man in recovery confronts his Dad with hurt he caused him and his failure to apologise.  The father who was a big guy in recovery circles as well as full of AA platitudes and pearls of wisdom was being hypocrite pure and simple and refusing to face it.  I saw my self and how alone and emotionally devastated not getting the necessary apology leaves us.  It fucks with our heads as we question the truth and fear losing the parent’s love by confronting their defences with their shadow.

I have pretty much come to the point where I know now Mum wont own her own part in ways she abandoned me emotionally.  To do so she would have had to face her own history and lately she has shared that she was also emotionally abandoned, but the sorry for what she unconsciously did is never coming.  Sharing about it with my therapist the other day she said that she feels to my Mum I am the child inside her she had to cover over long ago and whose pain it hurts to face, sadly.  It takes so much courage and vulnerability to truly own where we fail, often due to unconsciousness.  Not getting that acknowledgement from any member of my family has been painful and difficult.  But at least now I know where NOT to look for it.

In a way I am glad I had no contact with my brother on his birthday.  His daughter shared with me a while back how shut down both her parents are.  She doesn’t blame them for her emotional abandonment and it is ongoing.   I think its a big step to really feel our anger over this, as it can be prohibited.  To stay trapped in anger though in time means a failure to accept and grieve a harsh reality that must be faced and grieved.  I feel in time I will be able to have an honest conversation about how I feel about how he is in terms of being as emotionally distant as my own father was.  He never got the help to face his softer needy side and his wife is furiously defended against her own in so many way too, but the truth is I don’t know her well.  She has always kept up a cold hard distance with the female side of my family, especially after my oldest sister’s breakdown and told her children to do the same.  That is another grief.  I know she has reasons to be angry at my Mum and they are valid.  Mum admits she was in the wrong but doesn’t really have empathy for my sister in law who lost her own mother when she was on the brink of adolescence.

Facing our grief and pain is huge work, I now see.  I feel we skirt around it for so long and as I write this that poem of Emily Dickinson comes to mind : there is a pain so utter it swallows substance up and covers the abyss with trance so we step above or around it (those are not the verbatim words but it goes something like that.)  The reason I think so many of us who carry abandonment trauma suffer and are sidelined by others is that they either have no idea of the devastation it causes or are so deeply invested in denying or covering over their own grief and pain that they can feel scared and threatened when we do and so do things to shut us down or shame us.  Then we can be labelled as ‘ill’ and medicated to shut the fuck up.  (Writing that last sentence I am also aware medications in many cases are used to soften the blow while inner work is prepared for but in many cases they are used to hide from it in the absence of inner reparative psychodynamic work and there is anger for my sisters in that sentence which I own fully!).

As I look back I see this ocean of deep grief and pain began to open up for me in 1999 when my ex husband and I were in the UK.  Facing the enormity of it scared me so I ran home to Australia and then hid out.  My husband and mother were trying to get me some help but I was resisting them a fair bit.  I ran back to the UK and then back to Oz and then back again when I was struggling to find a way to trust and move forward.  So in many ways the anger I have at my family not fully understanding is also anger of my inner child at the adult who would not take the right steps to care for her before. My grief and fear was so huge they were terrifying to face.   And so much went into the fire.

It was only the ending of the next relationship which freed me for the inner work and then my older sister died and that was so hard.  We got to reconnect for a short while with her sons and that opened up feeling but also more fear.  It has taken until this late Mercury retrograde transit to see how strong the Uranus rebellion streak has been in me and how deep the Plutonian deluge of ancestral pain that we carry as a family really is.  In many ways I am the shadow bearer for a lot of repressed energy so its no wonder I have struggled so much and been sidelined so many times by others who are ignorant, misunderstanding or misjudging.  And then I judged myself not seeing how big the task was or how well I was trying, until I found this last therapist who has just been so present, so adaptable, so open and so warm and caring, things I have never received much in my life before.  I come from such a constricted family that holds down so deep so much repressed life force and childlike joy and human wanting/needing, all of which I split off for so many years until now!  Was it any wonder I suffered from anxiety.  It was just repressed life force, wild horse energy in my beautiful body stampeding with hooves of wanting and desiring for release against huge forces of internalised repression!

Phew! Sun is literally streaming in on me at the moment and I awoke today and saw the beauty of my home, which has been such a cocoon and which I nearly discarded earlier in the year in quest of a space that was not the real me I am but the me I thought I should be to be better or neater or more in control.

On that subject last night after I got home I listened to the greatest conversation on radio with a student of ethics and philosophy on transcendant experiences.  What was being discussed was how much the rational enlightenment in the 17th century has stolen from us in terms of raising up qualities of self control, rationality as supreme, making us numb and blind on so many levels to nature and inner mystical worlds that our ancestors were more in touch with.  In the wake of this experiences of feeling connected to a greater power or peak experiences of seeing spirit in matter or feeling that vast overwhelming of love, luminosity and connection have become increasingly pathologised by the mainstream.

On the way home just a while before I had one of those experiences when I saw a hedge of the most glorious yellow wattle shining out at the side of the car.  I was overcome with the awareness of how much love there is in nature and of how much of our suffering is man made by the heroic questing ego that seeks power over nature instead of union with it.

When we fail to see the beauty in who we really are as natural beings, when we go deaf dumb and blind to sensitivities and feelings of connection or suffering, we shut down all that is most beautiful, honest, open and true in ourselves and others.  I know how many others there are out there who also suffering and in many ways our suffering in opening our hearts also connect us to each other.  When we resist that suffering or try to make a illness of it we cut ourselves away from love, life and light.

I saw so much light and love in that wattle yesterday.  I only saw it as I went to visit my Mum for an hour and we had a few moments of connection.  I connect to the pain in my Mum that she has had to deny for so many years.  Long ago as a child she was left alone without resources.  I see how she coped to the best she could.  It was NEVER enough for me but it was all she could do.  Facing the harsh reality of that means grieving not only for her but for all of my family.  It means not living in denial as so many of us do but it also involves realising the beauty that remains even amongst what at times seems to the rubble and wreckage that is left and it occurs to me as I read this back that grieving and feeling the pain is a form of transformation and birthing, it is a dying to the old past so a new present can rise up and live with more awareness of how deep losses and original injuries go.

What is most important for me at this stage of the road in my emotional recovery is self love not self denial or rejection.  I don’t like what I had to suffer and I wish it was different. I know I deserved more but maybe there was a deeper lesson or learning in every single thing I have gone through.  Making meaning of it, accepting what is, grieving the losses to realise what is most important, most luminous so I can come awake again and fully embodied in both my longing and my pain as well as my luminosity and joy, well to my mind that is essential work maybe not for everyone but most definitely for me.

.

Swirling seas : more reflections on trauma

Maybe there are oceans inside of us. Perhaps everything is not as solid as it seems.  I have experienced so powerfully since my 5 weeks of radiation for breast cancer last year how fluid the energy in my body is. When I was reading parts of Peter Levine’s book on trauma earlier this week he explained that part of his work involves getting us back in touch with this sense of the body as vibration and to feel our way into how it sings or pulls or tears or hurts or vibrates as a living energy that is not fixed and can oscillate and change.  Also to notice how pain is often a contraction and if we do not resist that contraction and stay with it mindfully in time contraction can change to expansion and release/letting go.

IAUSV.jpg

It is coming up both to my Dad’ birthday anniversary as well as the anniversary of my accident when I was only 17 in about 12 days.  I am aware of how my body still carries this shock trauma energy of expansion and contraction deep inside.  I had a repeat of the accident when I was 41 after a session of cranio sacral where I went back ‘in’  I watched things from outside of my body and saw the grief my parents went through. Dad only got to the hospital after I was taken by the ambulance but Mum came to the scene of it.  When they wheeled me past Dad he didn’t recognise me, I was so lacerated and cut up.  I was also screaming ‘let me die’ which was a pretty extreme reaction. He was so upset and I grieved in that session not only for what I went through but what my parents went through. The dramatic way I cried out also showed two things 1) I was resisting what was happening to me and 2) at that stage I felt very alone and didn’t really want to be alive (a lot was going down for me prior to the crash!).

Anyway the whole thing repeated in 2005 with me over the other side of the world. In many ways I wish I didn’t have the session then.  An astrologer who specialises in near death and trauma said to me that often its difficult to work with these old events in certain ways as they can be retriggered, sometimes, she said, we are best to leave the wound alone and mindfully send it love.  I am older and wiser now, however in 2005 the whole thing just opened up for me again and I got badly hurt.  In many ways I am still coming back from the trauma of that time that still lives in my body, as well as the grief I have that such a choice led to more damage and pain.

Peter Levine’s work with helping the traumatised to unpack it involves inner work to try to tolerate the strong sensations trauma leaves in the body without dissociating (which is what we usually do in trauma!)   It involves putting the focus on those sensations for a time which hurt or repel or are painful and then swinging or what he calls ‘pendulating’ awareness onto something positive and warm and life affirming.  This is to counterbalance the extreme fixing, pinning or magnetising affect trauma can have on our body/mind and psyche.

Lately I am aware of how much I have dwelt in and on my trauma over the past 20 years.  I have literally allowed it to ‘pin’ me and breaking out of that repetitive feedback loop of focus on body symptoms and negative thoughts or thoughts of doom that can recycle is taking me time.  Lately I am fed up with the way trauma has limited my life.  I am seeing things about the way I have dealt with it which have not always helped me.  I am also seeing how I spend a lot of time ‘running’ on an energy level instead of settling.  This the amped up sense I carry inside that death and danger is close and its urgent that I keep things rolling.  In fact I was listening to the lyrics of an old song by Foreigner last week that goes “urgent, urgent, urgent, emergency” several times in the chorus and thinking how often that speaks to how I can run my energy.

At the same time I am aware that movement towards positive behaviours, such as forcing my body out into the sunshine or wooded fields for a walk with Jasper, or making effort to pick up the phone and call that caring friend instead of ruminating in fear about how it would be better to keep up a distance and stay safe is essential for me.

One of the most damaging things about trauma is that it can lead us to freeze and get immobilised.  Peter Levine addresses this issue at depth in his first book Waking the Tiger.   Animals can play dead but then they get a burst of energy to get up and escape from the predator that wants to eat them.  If our trauma comes from abuse we need to be able to take action to move rather than become passive, or develop what Peter Walker calls ‘a fawn defence’.  Staying powerless and passive will not help us much and may lead to chronic illnesses.

Anyway it takes time to realise all of these things about trauma.  It takes time to be able to consciously shift our focus in such a way, not to deny the impact of painful effects but to release the powerful hold they can have over our thinking, energy and perception.  It takes time to begin to find the goodness again, to discover the things that we can focus on that don’t amp up our pain, but rather soothe it, that don’t keep it running over and over again on a repetitive feedback loop.  It also takes time to find those who understand just what a huge impact trauma has, for if we are lucky enough to find someone willing to be with our traumatised body in full presence we are more likely to be able to unravel from the painful effects of trauma and soothe them, than if we are treated callously or with a lack of empathy.

Peter Levine himself had a serious accident when he was young.  He sites the fact that he didn’t develop full blown PTSD to the fact that a woman was there by the side of the road when he had the accident and she sat with him, held his hand and helped to soothe his distress.  The last thing anyone with trauma needs to be told is that it doesn’t hurt, or that we should be over it.  But that is just what happens to us when confronted with our trauma others freak out or feel too confronted or threatened  It can take us some time to realise in this situation that this is a failure on the behalf of others, as trauma survivors we are more than likely to be hard on ourselves and blame ourselves which only makes living as a trauma survivor 1,000 times worse.

In my own case I think the reason I have struggled to heal over 12 years from that second accident in 2005 is that over that time I was rejected for trauma symptoms or misunderstood.    That made healing myself extra hard.  I was emotionally abused in the last relationship I had for my trauma symptoms and I can still side with my abuser in seeing how difficult it was for him.  It was a failure of empathy on one level, but I can still understand how challenging it is for other to see trauma survivors fixed to dark places when the impact of trauma or abuse still possesses us so completely at times.

Last week my therapist said something interesting to me.  It was this. “It is important that you know both how to be in the underworld but also how to get out of it.”  That made a lot of sense to me.  Those of us who have undergone dark things can get so overpowered by those dark experiences as well as the feelings of powerlessness they can leave that we can almost be consumed by our own personal hell and underworld at times.  When we are down in the dark and lightless, loveless place it is hard to believe there still is a sun shining above ground and a meadow full of flowers we can skip through.  What brings the faith back in that goodness must surely involve someone who can empathise with us and hold our hands in the dark but also not buy in too strongly to our thoughts of doom.  That person themselves needs to have a goodness and active energy around them that can embrace both polarities of dark and light.   For really they are just two sides of life and those of us who have known the dark may have had to visit it in order to know just how valuable and essential light, empathy and love are   Hopefully our own lessons in the dark mean we can be there for others to hold a light up when despair seems to become so overpowering.   I certainly hope so.

Darkness eclipsed

Pearl

Darkness

Maybe you will never be gone from me

Maybe you are a part of my soul

Balsamic moon baby

Little one born before the Moon could be seen

When it was disappearing in deep space

Into a void

Of silence

Were you born to be the witness

Of all this pain

Of the fragility of relationships and human care

Of the agony that occurs

When endless goodbyes

And cleaving seem unrelenting

Leaving in their wake

A pile of ashes

Or a smouldering fire

You must tend alone

Looking around

No one seems to see

How hard it is

How much you struggle

How close you come

On some days to death

 To saying

This burden is too heavy to bear

Crushed

Like a lead weight

Your soul sinks

To the bottom of the ocean

And you become

A pile of sludge

But then

Just as you think

Death and depression

Have defeated you

A wave rises

And with raw power

Sets its surge inside you

Bidding you to fight

With all your might

Against extinction

And although you are exhausted

And feel as though you cannot go on

Somewhere else you know

That if you just trust

And hold yourself

In the centre of this wave

Riding it

You will rise again

Distilling difficult wisdom

And heartbreak

Into this seed

Which becomes

A black pearl

You place

Inside your heart

Then the darkness

That almost eclipsed you

Will become only

Dark memories you carry

Of all, that in passing

Awakened you

To the value of light

Deep mysteries

Of undoing

Of becoming

That with time

Allow the light to dawn

Over the horizon of your soul

No longer so eclipsed

By doom

Seed of becoming

A.jpg

Dead quiet

No one is coming

And the only way

Of becoming

Requires of you

A travelling forth

Memory of ocean

Kept you imprisoned

Swimming deeply in your cells

For 5 long years

Ocean was

Isolation

Loss

Wilderness

A solitary scream

Heard by no one

But your own body

Longing so deep

For all that could not be recognised

For all that you could not express

When you are not seen

It seems to your soul

As if you live such a long way off

Body and being voided

You search for redemption in the sky

But it is not coming

Now the challenge is this

To become earth bound

To land

To walk across earth

Grounding

Being

Becoming

Hurts like hell

But that hurt is just birthing pain

Surrender to it

Open

It is the pain of your becoming

The pain of the husk

Breaking open

To release the seed

Of your self

The Undertow : reflections on the Inner Critic and the Inner Child

Many thanks to a fellow blogger for inspiring the title of this post.  I just reblogged the post in which Laina Eartharcher addressed two powerful forces of our inner world : the inner child and the inner critic.   I could also rename those two ‘The Joy Maker’ and ‘The Doom Merchant’.

As in inner force and compatriot of the force of the Undertow the Inner Critic’s game is to get us swirling into a negative downward spiral.  In some books on spirituality and emotional recovery the Inner Critic is referred to as the negative ego.  It works against acceptance, mercy, gratitude and enlightenment as well as against connection.  The negative critic only sees what is bad or hard, it keeps its focus on what you or others did wrong, how bone crushing that was, how unforgiveable and horrific. That’s not to say what happened to you wasn’t absolutely awful and negative but the truth is are you going to live with the negative power of it going over and over and over in your mind day after day after day convincing you that life will never be safe or joyous again.

On the other side of our mind scape is the joyous, innocent, soul infused Inner Child.  Full of radiance and life this inner child sees hope, she sees the mystery, he feels the pain and suffering and looks upon them with eyes of innocence.  He or she naturally or instinctively reaches out a hand to hold yours when you are in pain. He or she does not recoil in fear.  He or she is the quiet still inward voice that can dissolve the critic’s ceaseless shaming and admonishments.  Loving soulful inner child just says “I am so sorry you are in pain.  I am here.  You are not alone. What you went through really hurt.  Lets just be calm and still for a time and open our heart to what needs to be heard or felt.”  She then says “Don’t you think it would help to touch base with beauty, mystery and awe somewhere say music, nature, poetry, a hot bowl of chicken soul, a frolic in a meadow with your dog.”  He or she restores us to naked simplicity.

Often all of this is what the wounded hurting inner child in us most needs to hear, see or do never moreso than when he or she has just been besieged, attacked or assailed by the pain mongering of the Inner Critic pulling her down deep inside the soul sucking vortex of the painful undertow.

The undertow is not always to be resisted though.  Smetimes we need to be taken down.   There can be a healing power in an undertow that is calling us to descend to the bedrock or bottom of oceanic consciousness that as yet contains unfelt pain or need or longing or grief which is waiting patiently and silently there for us to recognise it and ride its upward surge as it carries us on a powerful wave of soulful love towards a distant shore or recognition, embodiment of suffering, soul awakening and peace.

Insights that hurt us may be contained here, but never the less their healing power and intention may be love.   It may be the necessity of our recognition of ways in which we stumbled, failed, fell short or missed he mark (the real meaning of the word mistake), ways in which our own unacknowledged pain, hurt, shame, anger, need for retribution or fear kept is locked up and imprisoned, barricaded from love and its winged accomplice miracle consciousness.

We may need to be pulled down into and by that undertow for a time.  But I do not believe we should allow ourselves to be held hostage too long by that other negative force the Doom laden Inner Critic who in showing no mercy or deeper insight into the tangled byways of living and journeying towards consciousness keeps our level of awareness frozen, pinned, fixed or sucked downwards in a yawning, empty, hungry soul emptying place.

Such a critic is actually a cadaveur of the soul’s birthing genesis, laying to waste our blossoming as soul conscious individuals and savaging our emerging inner child who may as yet have no legs to stand on, but must crawl or be rocked and cradled for a long time before he or she begins to walk and sing and dance again.

Along this pathway of becoming and emerging we must instead learn how to shrink or shut the door on that voice of doom and unrequited pain and shame and turn instead towards the open radiant loving face of our inner child, pregnant and rich with as yet untapped possibility.  We must not allow the critic to savage his or her innocence but recognise instead through her instinctual reactions to what maimed or hurt us powerful ways of resisting and saying ‘No!  This is me and I am innocent.  I am not wrong or bad but good and strong and most of all I deserve to live! And I will. I will find my voice.”  Our Inner Child must never be killed off or buried by the Critic because he or she is the deepest, profoundest, wisest, realest, most connected and uncorrupted force in our soul.

Facing reality : some reflections on the body, being, recovery and the sad cost of dissociation.

I am on my own but I am not alone – today’s realisation.  I see the past I came out of.  I see the young me that struggled.  I see the familial patterns that repeated.  I see how hard it would have been for me to break out of this conditioning before pain could have revealed what it was.  And then I see how for so very long the truth seemed far too bitter a pill to swallow.

As I write this I am reminded of the necessity of acceptance and how acceptance means I face reality instead of arguing with it.  While I am arguing with reality I am in an adversarial relationship with it and the truth is that reality has some deeply dysfunctional and painful elements which  cause hurt and pain and so this is life, sadly but truly at times.  The best I can often do is to meet it mindfully and with compassion and help the pain show me what it is I need to reach for to soothe it.  My difficulty with the past I didn’t want shows me longing to reach for more and yet not really knowing how to go abou that….how can I find the way to it?

And could the meaning and purpose of my life be purely about expressing my own pain and truth in some way to help others, just as when others expressing theirs helps me too?   Is there not some great comfort in that?   For the truth is that openness to reality can heal and I can find ways to love myself and others through it without allowing it to embitter me and block me off fully from trust, hope, truth and love.

I am seeing lately how the bitter pain of the past kept me locked off from new possibilities of love in the present moment and yet I still had to navigate that past and pain until I reached bedrock.  Mine has been an inner healing path that led to addiction and then emotional recovery.  As I do more and more work to overcome the power of an intensely powerful inner critic I am beginning to see that in many ways I have not done anything wrong as my path has been my path and it has been a path of breakdown and breakthrough.

When I put down alcohol in 1993 I did not know that I was a stranger to myself in so many ways.  I had years of unintegrated trauma behind me and for a time I had found love and stability with my husband but so much of myself was, as yet not known so I am not sure how much of a true self I had to give him at that time.   Together we made the cosiest life possible and then we tore it up on a dream and tried to build a new life overseas but the trauma power energy of my family drew me back.

In many ways I was possibly born different to many members of my family.  For one thing I was a lot younger and of a different generation.  Those of us born in the 60s saw a lot of revolution in music, in life and in relationships.  Old patterns were breaking down and we were part of that breaking open and breaking apart.  Is it any wonder so many of us went through our own breakdowns which to my mind now appear more as break throughs and waking ups with all the pain and confusion such a process entails?

Are we not still in the process of building new lives which are based on stronger more soul and heart centred values than those dictated by a social collective mindset that was so much stronger on ‘doing the right thing’ and had fostered in us such a profound split between heart and head?

So many of us have suffered in a body that we often betray and run roughshod over.  I do believe as a result of my own understanding that in culture presently we are often self rejecting of our physical and emotional selves to extreme degrees.  We were so often taught such self rejection.  In my own family we never learned to take care of our bodies or of our souls in bodies.  The deeper message of my own religious schooling was that in some way the body was flawed, mistrustful, disgusting and evil.  What terrible things to have a child believe, the realisation makes me cry.

Over the past few weeks I have been reading an intensely moving autobiography Love Warrior based on one woman’s struggle with her addiction and the breakdown in her primary relationships. What she finds midway through the journey is how divorced from her own body and being her own conditioning has made her.  And what conditioning forced into her shadow brought her into a relationship with a husband who sought a connection to the primal body and rejected soul shadow energy through internet porn.

As the story progresses it becomes clear that due to her own distance or disconnection from her body, soul, being and heart she has attracted a partner with similar issues only expressed in different ways.  Together they go on a healing journey to find what is really leading to their powerful disconnect.  In one very moving section she realises the truth is that so long ago she learned to fear and disconnect from her body and being, to seek distance and to dissociate.  I am sure so many of us will relate to this.

In trauma the body becomes a fearful and very unsafe place.  We experience emotions through a body so when we start to numb the body we also numb emotions.  If we fear the arising of primal feeling from within, our habitual defence is to reach for something to stop our feeling.  If the feelings long ago were what we learned to mistrust or if we suffered in young bodies at the hands of those dissociated from their own, our own split, dissociation and fear only deepens.

And yet part of us longs to feel, we were born to feel and we do not fully truly live until we come fully awake and alive to what has been rejected, dissociated from, feared or neglected in our body.  Our body/soul longs for our absent self, to  find the way back to what was lost when we started to dissociate but what is longed for is also feared, as imperfection and shame researcher, Brene Brown has pointed out in many of her talks and much of her writing.

Could it be that on some level some of us actually fear the feeling of being alive as such feelings open up our most tender vulnerability and associated fears of death or losing control?   Can we be strong enough to face this fear in head on instead of projecting our deeply unconscious intrepidation on others in fear, criticism, attack or blame?  These are just a few of the realisations I am having at the moment.  I found myself shedding tears so often towards the end of the book Love Warrior especially in the paragraphs where she spoke of reminding her young dauther how to be truly beautiful is to be full of the beauty and joy that comes when we learn to fill up on the beauty in life and nature.  We come alive most fully when we connect to life and each other nakedly, vulnerably and at our most honest, stripped back with open hearts to a body and soul that is finally able to feel its need for life, rawness, richness and love.

Force of love

AB.jpg

Force of love

Pushing me on

Rising like a tidal wave

From deep in my soul

Is calling me home

Is saying for the first time in my life

You belong

You are here for a reason

Remember all the seasons

Which you weathered

Beaten down with paralysis, fear, agony or pain

And the days on which your soul rose again

From a pile of ash

You were either being cleansed

Or shaped for some new purpose

Do not fear any more

Sweet darling

Trust yourself

Trust your life

Trust others

And know that deep inside

You have the capacity to weather

Any storm

And that you have finally solved the puzzle

By recognising

How much peace is found through surrender

That deeper surrender that only comes

When you learn to let go

And open your heart and being wide enough

To embrace all feeling

Allowing it to have its way and move through you

Carrying you on with the force of its power

And its love

Like a tidal wave

To a new shore

From where you will look back

And realise

How necessary everything you went through was

To the evolution of your soul