You carried (all you bore in silence)

You carried a huge burden

I am so sorry that my wounding

Blinded me to this before

It was your anger I felt sadly

Landing upon me like a brand

From a hot poker held for a long time captive inside

A burning furnace

And when your lance landed on me

With that terrible frisson

The pain was

So very far

From personal

I see that now

If you are now

The incacerated one

The ‘identified patient’

What role did I play?

Now that pain has made me see and feel it all more deeply

I always recall that healing dream

You and I alone

Walking the length of that stormy windswept beach

Our father loved

Seeing the beached whale

You turning toward me with eyes like oceans

Full to the brim with tears

Saying the words

‘The whales are such sad creatures’

To know now how they shocked and medicated you

Makes it seem

The most horrendous aberration

I had to walk away

But there is never a day

I do not hold the awareness of it all

So deep inside of my heart

And that is why

I always pray for you

That one day you will come to know

The deeper truth

Of all you bore in silence

For the collective

Seeing a magical world

As children we were just open to wonder but sadly so much can happen in those early formative years to shut this down and if we had a depressed or anxious parent that would in some way be communicated to us.

As Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us in his book Fear many of our parents knew famines, wars and other kinds of trauma, struggles to survive, loss of parents and siblings and just a host of challenges all of which leave their imprints lodged within our DNA.

Gabor Mate a Canadian oncologist from Hungary who has worked a lot with addicts to stop the demonization of their survival responses shares in some of his talks about how, as a baby, he picked up with all the other babies the distress happening at that time in his world, a world on the brink of war. We absorb all of this as young ones but never give it a second thought.. If someone is diagnosed as BPD or bi polar how many psychiatrists do a family history, checking for the incident of addiction or other losses and treating from there before reaching for the meds? In one of the facilities where my sister was doing time over many months one of the psyche nurses was just as disordered as the patients in terms of early childhood trauma (I knew her from Al Anon but was supposed to keep that ‘a secret’) and it interests me that this nurse was not liked by my sister but really they had so much in common. How sad.

John Bradshaw was one of the first men in recovery to start addressing the impact of childhood, child rearing and toxic shame as well as shame bound emotions in those in recovery.. His many excellent books such as Healing The Shame That Binds You, Homecoming, and Creating Love address what happens to us at every stage of development and how our magical soul filled child is shut down in all kinds of ways.

Now when I get out in the mornings with Jasper, it is so lovely to connect to other adults not as shut down as both of my parents were.. My parents did not have much of a sense of fun when we grew up, I have shared in numerous posts before about the ‘runnning on empty’ syndrome in my family (link below to the work of Jonice Webb on this condition), it was all about work, work, work but in this way I am also beginning to understand the maybe my Dad felt alone living with Mum as she chose to work 9 to 5.30 four days a week, 9 to 9 on Fridays and 9 to 12 on Saturdays.. Maybe on some level Dad enjoyed this. He could get into the garden or play his music without Mum running around in a perfectionistic spin whipping things into a frenzy with her OCD panics all a legacy of being a neglected adult grandchild of an alcoholic.

My Mum’s best friend told me on Wednesday that Mum never visited Dad at the office and when she started showing up there after Dad died my sister in law got the shits she was so ‘needy’ making a comment about how now she needed to learn to stand on her own two feet.. This from a woman whose own mother died when she was only young and learned never to face the pain, but hate all of our family for who we were. I do understand why on some level, when she met my brother in around 1967 at the restaurant and came to live with us Mum was insulted that she kept herself separate from us reading up the back under the tree. I was too young to remember a lot of this and already traumatized by my beloved older sister marrying and then when Mum read her diaries and confronted her about an abortion she ended up making an enemy for life.

What a mixed up family of emotional turmoil deeply buried and submerged I was buried into.

My sister in law was nice to me when young though, she gave me a lot of books and later in life told me to get as far away from my Mum as I could after Jonathan left, the problem being Mum needed support and so did my older sister who by that stage was so damaged from her aneurysm and marriage detonating 3 years later when she tried to take her life.

Today I know all of that pain seeped into me as a child just as it did for Gabor Mate as a baby and that I NO LONGER NEED TO CARRY SADNESS THAT IS NOT MINE.. That said I need to give a voice in my poetry as it says something about the hidden legacy of my ancestors that I give voice to through Neptunian forms such as poetry.

Today I can be around people, slowly risk vulnerability and opening myself and gain joy from that. Earlier Jasper and I ran into a lovely couple in the park we go to whose little dog Harry jumped around and chased him as we conversed.. How super nice to be connected and to have my heart open.

Today I can see a magical universe and I am grateful.. I do not think I ‘chose’ this family, I think it’s just evolution really, this idea of us choosing things, it does not tie in with a lot of epigenetic research.. We are woven from fate and then have the choice to become more conscious but to do that we often have to find the way to negotiate what is hidden in the shadows.

On the brink of the Moon growing larger in reflected light from the Sun (at the moment it is sitting at about 4 degrees of Libra) as it moves towards fullness I can reflect (Moon opposing Sun) on my relationships (Venus and Libra) and how difficult it was for me to emerge as a separate individual (Mars and Sun, Aries and Leo) within them.. And slowly through my therapy, poetry and ancestral unwinding I am. For that I am so so so so so grateful as well as for my sobriety which happened when my planet of wounding and healing Chiron in Pisces as well as first house Pluto in the opposing sign of Virgo was transited.. Despite later injuries that occurred as I repeated the old family pattern of going back and forward to the land of my ancestors and despite any pain and anger I may feel around my family’s distance and disengagement emotionally on some level I can accept it.. The issue of Mum’s ashes did trigger me this week but then our family just choose to disconnect and its not conscious in them at all

And after all, there was a time I too, struggled to open up and so many times I needed a hug but was only told to go away.. So very far away, or else just took myself away due to feeling so very rejected misattunted to or never empathized with at all.. In the end my family are probably just not capable of that, it is up to me as an adult to embrace the inner child and also make sense of what may have happened to my ancestors to make their own beings filled with so much anxiety.. After all it was such a battle for them coming out of a past where so much was lost and where in they were fighting just as hard as they possibly could to survive.

The wild storm : far away

If all of this emotion

All of this hidden feeling

Masquerading

As fear

Is a wild storm

Pulling me this way and that

Your clarion call will be the sonar

Of unconditional love that resonates

Deeply inside

Every

Single fiber

Of my being

When you bear

Testament to love

Then my all of my dark and hidden

Fearful places

Open

Like a tightly closed flower bud

Surprised by the Sun

After a rain shower

And as I bend to the ground

Which absorbs all of my pain

Not only mine

The pain

Of far too many

Lost generations

Then at the same time

Tiny seeds of light will be sown

Deep within the stony ground

And even though they will

Take time to bear wholesome fruit

Still I will allow the quivering

That is nothing less than my own buried life force

Awakening

From within the tightly enclosed capsule

I had to build

Thinking it would keep me

Safe

From

Harm

Frightening as it is

I must be brave

As

I rise again

To face the truth

While all of the sensations

Swirl

Uncoil

And unravel

Like a long entangled web

Of ignorance

That drove me on

Leading me to run

So very far

Away from you

Being connected, embodied, alive

The following comes from Julia Cameron’s book Heart Steps : Prayers and Declarations for a Creative Life.

This we know, all things are connected

like the blood that unites one family.

All things are connected.

Whatever befalls the earth befalls the sons of earth.

Man did not weave the web of life.

He is merely a strand of it.

Whatever he does to the web, he does to himself.

Chief Seattle

I EMBRACE THE APPETITES OF LIFE

Life is tender and rapacious. Everything is fuel for further life. Further growth.. Nothing that I experience counts for nothing. Everything – all joy, all loss, all grief, all grace – is an ingredient in the greater self that I am building. I am not alone. All sense of loneliness is forgetting. When I remember that I am part of Life, and Life is part of me, I am comforted. I see my value. I experience my worth. I allow the Universe to touch me with compassion, to cradle me with love. I am held in the Web of Life that I hold dear.

Held by nature

I go to nature

She seems to know me

Within her embrace

I feel my soul

Held safe

Within her soothing rhythms

Nature is the place

I free my heart from pain

If only for a while

Through the aliveness of breath and movement

I taste for a while

The sheer and vibrant joy

Of being awake and alive

Shedding my stories

For a while

Pain and grief still sometime rises

Like an irrefusable tide

As I bathe my soul awhile in their healing

And your nature poems m

Move me to love

With their gritty sinuous taste

Of nature

Resplendent with vibrancy and meaning

And for these precious sacred moments

I taste a while

The delicious flavour

Of a morsel of ecstacy

just a child

You were just a child

Wild and wide eyed

Full of life

Descending into a world

That seemed so hostile at times

To your particular sense

Of ‘truth’

So it was you learned to bury it

Somewhere deep inside

But as you did every fiber of your being ached

For the lost path to wholeness

Now it seems to you

Everywhere you go

You find light, wisdom

Cosmic rainbows

Talking to the birds

Feeling deep within your soul

You abiding kinship with all living

Beings

You finally see the wisdom of his teachings

Here we are

Gifted and blessed to live

So very close

To heaven on earth

Yet so often

Consigning ourselves

Through our own ignorance

And blindness to hellish places

Of fear

And separation

But now you know the truth

No living power on earth can

Permanently separate you from love

So put down your sword for a while

And allow yourself to dance

By the healing spring

Touch base as often as you can

With rainbows

Moonbeams

Sunlight

Shadows

Rainfall

The soothing, healing of

Deep leafy green

and bird song

Guard your treasure

Believe in yourself

In your good heart

Know that not everyone is kind

And that there are forces of anti life

That live buried deep inside

Those who fear

The truth and unmasking power

Of love

There are times life may make you feel

So alone

But the truth is

It is your soul that most longs for you

To love and to care

There is a saying that we who are the lightseeds

Must learn to be

As cunning as serpents

And as wise as doves

And yet another

Not to cast

Our pearls of hard won wisdom

Before ‘swine’

Which may sound arrogant

But not to those

Whose own unique brand of suffering

Has revealed to them a wiser deeper truth

Of the precious consciousness

They are presently seeking to seed

Upon this planet

Where so many often lose the way

And fall

Deep inside their aching souls

Into hells of bitterness

Suffering

Separation

Unearned shame

And darkness

Ghosts of the person you were

Ghosts of the person you were

Will visit you sometimes

Knocking on the door of your soul

Possibly in a dream

Or calling out your name

In a voice that is only barely audible

Beneath the deeply muffled

Scream of anxiety

That comes to throw you

Off the scent of

Who you knew your self to be

Buried deep beneath the obscuring weight

Of all of that haunting

So even if you

Now

Give these ‘demons’ air

For might they not be

Angels in deep disguise

Who need your attention and care?

Do not let their anguish

So utterly destroy

Those tendrils of gold

Pain can spin

From within the experience

Of fully embodied feeling

Who you ‘were’ then

Was the mixed up result of

So many things

And this

Psychic blindness

My love

Was the painful necessary reality

Obscuring from view

The Radiant moonlight

Of your own Soul rising

Above a darkened lake

Encompassed by the solar eclipse

Of protective denial

You are not a broken thing

And your spirit

In truth

It still is

Growing it wings

As you struggle here within the cocoon

To birth

Silently coalescing

Inside the storm

Of your own recollecting

And becoming

Enduring all of

The complex twists and turns of recovering

Ghosts of your former selves

They beg to be known

Let in from the shadows

So open yourself

And let the force of that storm

Blow on through

Until suddenly when you least expect it

The Sunlight of your True Self

Finally reappears

Glistening upon that horizon

From deep within the rising mist

Surrendering the ghosts disguises

Opening you up

Deep inside

To the radiant sun rise

Of your truest

Deepest

Most authentic Self

for my part

I am sorry for my part in things

Its hard to see when you are on the wing

the underground fears

that may be driving you

sad to feel too

that you did not love me

in the way my heart needed

when really you were trying your very best

why was it that it all felt at times

like such a massive attack

but then as I consider it

from within this more adult perspective

you did not live my life

and you also had

more protection surrounding you

I do not fully know

why sometimes it was so hard to

let love in

maybe you expressed it in another form

but today as we spoke and you allowed yourself

to be buffeted about by the wind

all I wanted to do

was to break down in tears

and tell you how deeply sorry I feel

how grateful I am

that you are alive

and how much

I really do

love you

Soul star

my soul traveled from afar

a distant star

where love sustains the being

of those who voyaage

to here

beacons of light

way showers

sent to illuminate

the dark night

how often we

are

so crucified

or demonized

cast out

given lessons of deep pain

what a waste to turn away

to lose the eternal reason

turning our backs upon

the internal shifting seasons

and so

if at times

I sense myself a stranger here

let me travel deep

it hurt when you could not see me

but was it ever my destiny?

lately it seems for far too long

I turned my back upon

the inner Sun

haunted as I was by losing

the way

to those sustaining memories

of starlight

(We are all star stuff. 

When we create,

we connect to the divine spark within.)

Leah Whitehorse.