Thinking about my sister : some reflections

It’s quiet painful at times not seeing my sister who is still in psychiatric care still, but it would be just as challenging possibly seeing her.. I recall how when in her darkest moments she would cling to me like I was a life raft with a silent pleading to help her, to stop the pain but no matter how I told the doctors or my nephews that something other than drugs was needed no body seemed to hear. And that Christmas at the coast where they were laughing so callously at Robbie Williams newly sober and struggling with his weight, I got so triggered I stormed out only to later return collapsing crying as my brother in law looked on in some kind of regret.

It was not easy being the only sober one, but far better than being medicated. Even though I still struggle so much with feeling safe in my body and endure those cascades trying to manage alone at least I am not in care and yet it sometimes seems I cannot rest. Its a free life, never the less, I can cook and clean and get out walking and engage in life if I choose, in a way my sister no longer can..

When I talk to our Mum’s closest friend who was there and tried to be there for my sister, but not possibly in the way she needed we both feel sad for the wasted life.. My sister had that brief spurt of being able to function from October 2019 to July 2020, she sold the place she was forced into by family after other hospitalisations and collapses and moved into Mum’s unit but that did not work well for her.. She was still so enmeshed and there must have been so many emotions she was finding it hard to deal with and then the issue of one son who tried to help but so often seemed to cause her a lot more problems…

My way was to run on or away independently. As the youngest I went off alone anyway after Dad died.. I had no one but a lot of brief affairs, often with wounded men.. the exception being a lovely man called Tony Cooper born on the same day as me I met in Greece the following summer who saw I was drinking too much and wanted to help me. In time I got involved with someone else from the land of my ancestors migration, New Zealand who had commitment issues and then dumped again. I just never knew how to make sensible choices around men, possibly because I had not yet begun to deal with Dad’s emotional distance and early death or yet began to arrest my addiction to drugs and alcohol..

There are things you can only learn about yourself by living through and making so many mistakes if you have attachment trauma.. I am often the one rejecting dependency and then getting involved on the unhealthy end.. I truly do not know either what it is to be supported or let others take their own burdens on.. I step in too impulsively and then it all derails.. Its such an enormous juggling act. And something else about co-dependency occurred to me during my last therapy session with Katina where I was crying and crying over feeling so defective and broken that so often I find it hard to own what is beautiful, good, true and ‘right’ in me.. And apparently that is a very strong sign of having had emotional abandonment and neglect shown towards ones true self. Taking my own needs and longings seriously instead of dissing them is taking me a lot of time.

Any way in my blog all I can show to the world is this mixed up self of mine. I know I have no answers… Having the chiropractic done has not made things better I ended up wetting and shitting myself in bed last night.. I was swallowing pineapple and brazil nuts and magnesium and tumeric with cardamon with lemon juice and ginger about 12 pm after waking from a brief sleep in which I could not get up to wee fast enough it as later I lost some of my bowel but had on some pads and it was not too bad.. but it is so hard trying to manage all of this that relates back the gut brain link and so many emotional and ancestral issues around my head injury.

God knows the body is a mysterious thing.. I had a very powerful dream before waking at 7.30 am. I was back on a very long strip of deserted beach and it seemed to be a metaphor for how it was to be in that last relationship when I ended up all alone at the coast house after the second head injury derailed my attempt to move back overseas.. My ex husband was telling me to go home and I had no support at all. I went to an ashram in the end and then a B and B for a while but it all got a bit much.. I did make some lovely spiritual friends then some of whom I still keep in touch with.. and I did things my free spirit loved like dancing and chanting and being in nature at the beautiful Challis Wells gardens in Glastonbury where I had so many visions of Christ.. I also used to love going to the small Magdalene Church there where people would leave prayers and wishes scattered over a simple altar.. it was there my ex husband told me in October 2005 he had met someone else and so I went home ending up in complete isolation at the house Dad built 7 years before he died

It was there in March 2007 that I met Phil and he made me feel I was too much of everything he did not like and wounded in my capacity to support his dreams. But what of my own? Why were my feelings always such a nuisance.. It hurt a lot he hurt me so much and I tried I kept trying each time he told me something was wrong I tried not to be that but in the end who can erase themselves for love. its a strange thing but in the dream last night around the deserted dunes so like the ones in the isolated surfing spots he used to take us both during the years 2007 to 2010 I thought I had lost the keys to my car but when I checked my jacket pocket they were in the right side.. That may be an indicator of what Kat said to me about my growth in therapy that the toxic inner critic/saboteur is not derailing me as much as Phil was the outward manifestation of that force in my life from 2007 to early 2011 when we finally broke up.

Scott often says to me that the person who does not love you as you are and wants to change you into someone else will leave you as soon as they find that person.. But the problem was not that Phil did not love me as I was, it was that I DID NOT LOVE MYSELF ENOUGH TO SAY A BIG FAT NO TO ABUSE.

I listened yesterday to a newly published talk by Eckhart Tolle on not nourishing grievances with ex partners.. I can truly say I now know why I was treated that way by someone who refused therapy but told me I needed it. In the end maybe it was better for him to blame me.. and I am sure, at times, I was not immune to blaming him either.. it was not meant to last and it was fated to be as the astrological signifactors of our meeting time showed in both our charts.. On this life journey by some kind of weird happenstance we seem to be drawn to just those souls we need to work out our issues. And there is comfort in that.

I feel better for writing this… I did manage to get up and out and then back… I had a very simple breakfast and early lunch and experienced a lot of storming and writing and panic and crying but its only a week until Mercury goes direct and anxiety does build towards the stationing periods both forward and back. 6 of June is the date I met Jonathan in 1993, it is the date of my great great grandmother’s birthday and it only took 6 months out of meeting Jonathan for me to get sober on 6 December 1993.

Tough as my life is and as much as I feel for a sister who never took the 12 step pathway I guess I also know the distance I began to take from September last year in endlessly visiting the hospital only to walk away crying each time has been necessary.. Before that I was running around doing so much for her to help that never seemed to address the deeper wounds only she could work though and who is to say she is not doing that in her own Piscean way.. This Mercury retrograde began squaring both my sister Sue’s and my father’s Mars at 5 degrees of Sagittarius as it co-joined her Sun Venus conjunction in Pisces and my Mum’s Mars in Pisces also at 4 degrees. My sister keep so much inside of her like my father.. who had the triple conjunction of Sun Saturn and Mercury in the deeply internalized gut sign of Virgo.. his cancer appeared there and it took him very suddenly in 1985. My sister has battled breast cancer twice.

All I can do is pray and send her love.. much as we struggle with those of our own blood who so deeply hurt us at times we also love them just because they are flesh of our flesh. As multi-generational trauma therapist Mark Wolynn notes : to turn our backs on that flow of love never led me anywhere good. In the end I am no longer a little child while still having a very deep part of me that is the inner child of both past and present.. The pain over the longing to be seen is something, that in the end only I, as an emotionally awakening adult can learn ways to effectively manage.

You carried (all you bore in silence)

You carried a huge burden

I am so sorry that my wounding

Blinded me to this before

It was your anger I felt sadly

Landing upon me like a brand

From a hot poker held for a long time captive inside

A burning furnace

And when your lance landed on me

With that terrible frisson

The pain was

So very far

From personal

I see that now

If you are now

The incacerated one

The ‘identified patient’

What role did I play?

Now that pain has made me see and feel it all more deeply

I always recall that healing dream

You and I alone

Walking the length of that stormy windswept beach

Our father loved

Seeing the beached whale

You turning toward me with eyes like oceans

Full to the brim with tears

Saying the words

‘The whales are such sad creatures’

To know now how they shocked and medicated you

Makes it seem

The most horrendous aberration

I had to walk away

But there is never a day

I do not hold the awareness of it all

So deep inside of my heart

And that is why

I always pray for you

That one day you will come to know

The deeper truth

Of all you bore in silence

For the collective

for my part

I am sorry for my part in things

Its hard to see when you are on the wing

the underground fears

that may be driving you

sad to feel too

that you did not love me

in the way my heart needed

when really you were trying your very best

why was it that it all felt at times

like such a massive attack

but then as I consider it

from within this more adult perspective

you did not live my life

and you also had

more protection surrounding you

I do not fully know

why sometimes it was so hard to

let love in

maybe you expressed it in another form

but today as we spoke and you allowed yourself

to be buffeted about by the wind

all I wanted to do

was to break down in tears

and tell you how deeply sorry I feel

how grateful I am

that you are alive

and how much

I really do

love you

The link between fear and anger and boundaries

Reading about how overwhelming an experience fear can be for our Inner Child when no loving adult shows up within us is making me think a lot today.. Apparently when we disconnect from that fear or anxiety and have trouble managing it by staying grounded in the now, having good boundaries and taking care of any distress our Inner Child feels by not projecting it or turning it into anger then our reactions can become extremely problematic. Also, reading up about the neurobiology of trauma and faulty attunement a lot of my reactions and difficulties both connecting and making sense of my emotions now make sense to me. I am beginning to understand why my own feelings of fear became too large to manage and that at times I did abandon my Inner Child in very unhealthy ways. And I do think when I spun out overseas in 2001 prior to giving my first presentation on my course about psychological astrology multiple fears were playing a huge part, that said I had a lot more to learn about my inner life, I may not have learned on that course or by coming back home..

In addition, a balanced sense of what is and is not within our power or control can be difficult at times, especially if as kids we got made responsible or had to assume responsibilities which, at that stage of development, were beyond us. In fact in discussing Sun Saturn aspects in one lecture on that course astrologer Lynn Bell stated that many with these aspects do go through that experience due to traumas, often due to outside collective traumas as well such as war, famine, illness, or loss of a parent.. Also in larger families the burden of sibling care may fall to older siblings if the parents are not physically and emotionally available or are dead or sick or addicted to something, that also sets up complications around boundaries..

At the moment it sometimes feels I am stepping into a parenting role with my sister.. Spending time with her last night has made me realise how confused she feels about what she needs and I am also finding I had bursts and rushes of anger around her coming up half way through the night.. I did all I could to make it a good night.. After the meal I lit a fire and I put on music she could watch on You Tube but when I asked her what she would like to watch she did not know, so I just put on some concert performances from various artists like Sade, George Michael, Lionel Richie, Smoky Robinson, Daryl Hall and Fleetwood Mac.. my sister absorbed all of this and was grateful. I noticed I had a fear of things not being up to her standards and that she told Jasper that he smelled when I do not think he did.. As it was he didn’t want to be near to her when she tried to pat him he barked at her and jumped away. I just watched this as I know animals will only come to you if they feel comfortable and it is so important not to overwhelm them, maybe he was carrying a bit of anger at her for me I just do not know but he did jump up on the lounge to be near her later on when we were both more relaxed.

The link between fear and anger is an interesting one to me.. that is why I have to do work on not getting angry about things I cannot control while listening deep within to when part of me feels angry at taking on the burdens of others and what may be the underlying fears driving it : not feeling good enough fear of rejection, fear for the other person’s healthy or life.. I also read something very good about being accused of selfishness written by Margaret Paul. Often a crazy making partner will accuse us of this if we do not do something they want us to do, we may take that as a sign of rejection of our Inner Child but its up to us to give our child the messages that she or he is okay and allowed to do what she wants and needs (without any intent to harm) even if others do not like it or get angry at us for not doing want they want us to do and vice versa..

The point is this : are we caring about how they feel (or vice versa) or is it all about our needs? This can be a difficult boundary to navigate at times….but if we keep doing inner attunement work and connect with our child if at times he or she feels overwhelmed, fearful or unnecessarily rejected to soothe and comfort him or her we may also find the strength to stand strong in our boundaries and not collapse them in the face of unfair anger or other means of control used upon us by someone not taking care of their own inner needs. We may also learn not to use those weapons unconsciously upon other innocent people in our life.

Stepping away from my trauma

My traumas never leave me..often they arrive in a cascade or avalanche but it may only be body symptoms at other times images. Last night was super intense awake at 2 then 5 I was in the toilet pushing on the walls with my elbows struggling to breathe..then it arrived a memory of the Nuns forcing my Mum to stand in a corner telling her she was stupid and dumb..a bad girl for not completing her homework. Fucks sake did they know she was left alone every afternoon and evening? That she had no father? Brutal mean unfeeling..so unkind.

Same denomination of nuns brutalised my two older sisters to the point my living sister no longer plays piano. She was very good at it but they punished her for wanting to learn a Dean Martin song she wanted to play as a gift for my Dad. These are the hidden things the unspoken things the knives that go in.

Angels reminded me last night that everything my Mum suffered lays in my cells. This morning I heard voices wanting me dead again. I said No you can’t do this I am eating breakfast and going for a walk. I cried for most of the first 20 mins. My sister called to wish me happy birthday. I am 59 today.

Each step I take forward is a victory as a survivor of 5 generations of Complex PTSD. Last night under that trauma cascade I heard the words “no one puts baby in the corner” my mother needed tenderness, holding, patience, love she got hit instead, left alone but she always forgave as she knew what her mother suffered as a war widow with zero government assistance.

I weep for the times my pain was so much I could not always see the deep roots of my Mums. I will no longer let negativity capture me. I want to live in gratitude even amidst all of the pain. I simply must bless it knowing how toxic it was and how much it hurt my Mum. I must give love to the sore hurting places and love my body..as Mum found it so difficult to love mine and her own.

Critical symptoms of Childhood Emotional Neglect

Benign neglect is still neglect, it is something therapist Jonice Webb addresses in depth in her book Running on Empty. Many of us could say that we came from loving homes or homes that to all appearances seemed okay or functional from an objective external point of reference and yet something was still missing at the core of such families, a critical sense of warmth, emotional resonance, parental presence, availability and connection which can be hard to articulate. Feelings of emptiness haunt the soul who suffered CEN (Childhood Emotional Neglect) and the pervasive if unspoken feeling ‘there is something wrong with me’ may dog many of us well into adulthood, it is one of the critical symptoms of CEN. It is not based on any objective truth though, the truth was we never got adequate care and then internalised the belief it was somehow our fault. Our responsibility in the present rests in recognising levels of wounding and trying to find ways to get valid needs met we did not feel allowed to have at the time, rather than internalising self blame.

I shared a lot from Jonice’s book a while back, you will find links to these posts below when I manage to find them back. It took me until I read her book to really get a true handle on what haunted me many years in sobriety when I felt I should be doing a lot better than I was, never the less I was still attracted to dysfunctional emotionally absent relationships and I suffered profoundly mixed feelings of sadness, anger, pain and confusion, I also see now I struggled with critical issues of boundaries and self care.

CEN sufferers often blame themselves when things go wrong or for our suffering and we often don’t know how to take care of ourselves across many levels. For example the child who is left alone a lot may look to comfort from substances like food or drink, seeking the missing love that would come from an emotionally present, warm, available, engaged parent.

I was triggered to break down in tears when watching a programme about latch key children about a month ago. The film showed a little boy going to a fridge to take out some food with a lonely and forlorn look on his face. As I think about this now after just having met up with a close family friend to my mother, an image of her as a child comes to mind. I love the Louise Hay evening meditation in which she asks us to visualise in our mind’s eye both our parents as small children, taking them with love into our hearts. I think of my Mum sitting all alone on the back step after school with no mother at home looking longingly at the neighbourhood kids playing with siblings and longing for a brother and/or sister. I think too of how when she had kids were born too far apart in age to really be able to play like this, something my siblings and I sometimes talk of.

It came up in conversation with my friend earlier how my sister wished not to have a bar of me when I was about 8 to 14. I remember clearly getting my period while Mum and Dad were on a trip away and I had never been told what period was, I went to my sister crying with bloody underpants and got fobbed off in some way. I remember the mix of shame and aloneness and confusion I felt. I don’t remember how it was addressed when Mum and Dad got back home.

Another symptom of CEN is that we feel we must be independent. We learned early on that it was not possible to reach out, open up or rely on anyone. We learn to keep our cards close to our chest, we feel we should manage things that others naturally need help with, the list can go on. I see how this manifests now in the life of my other sister and I see how self contained my brother stays remaining perpetually self focused on work work work and not engaging emotionally AT ANY TIME. The exception was at my older sister’s funeral when he broke down giving the eulogy. He rarely went to visit her in the care home where she lived in the later years with Complex PTSD and acquired brain injury (incorrectly diagnosed bi polar disorder, I feel). His wife told my mother years ago she never wanted her daughter anywhere near my older sister who flipped out and tried to take her life after her husband abandoned her. Guess what? My niece ended up in the psyche ward AT THE EXACT AGE MY OLDER SISTER HAD HER CEREBRAL BLEED AND RESULTING PSYCHOSIS.

I think while writing this of my own struggle with addiction, about how silent I used to believe I must be, how I must try never to be ‘too much trouble’ and sadly remember it was because of this my mother eventually had the final fall that ended her life, she drove herself all alone to a doctors appointment then went to do shopping when she was struggling with walking and chronic back pain because she ‘didn’t want to bother me or my sister!’

I just broke down with our family friend. She told me I am a cry baby but this is the real pain and struggle of my entire family with CEN that I am realising now after almost 26 years of active sobriety. My so called defects of character could read like a skit from British comic act Monty Python : fear, surprise, a ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the pope (just joshing!!!) But the perfectionism (ruthless efficiency) as well as ruthless self sufficiency defects could be primary ones. That said there are times we need to take the bull by the horns and do it ourselves if we want to truly recover and own our power, but never the less being forced at times to cope on all alone, put on a good front and ask nothing of anyone IS NOT GOOD FOR US. And often it may also come from never having felt truly safe, validated or ‘got’. As a default the sense that if we are to get attention or be considered ‘good enough’ we must always be there for others and never demand too much also sets in making us codependent in an attempt to win the missing love.

Well I am glad I could shed the tears anyway. I know the cure to what ails my sister is not an easy one and I honestly never believed it lay in medication nor in some of the so called ‘strategies’ they are trying to arm her with for about the 8th similar hospitalisation. My sister’s heart is lonely and she may feel there is definitely ‘something wrong with her’, a person who tried all her life to be there for others and not expect or ask too much. But my heart knows the true pain lies deeper and cannot ever be fully addressed by band aids or medications.

Many CEN sufferers do end up ending their lives, like Robin Williams they may have had to put on funny or happy mask but never the less what they were forced to face deep in the lonely privacy of their own hearts and souls may in the end being far far too difficult to come to grips with or digest, inner disparaging voices of self blame also dog many CEN survivors marking us in many places with deeply inarticulate wound which may seem impossible to fully make sense of or bear.

https://emergingfromthedarknight.wordpress.com/2018/03/16/who-are-we-really-the-lost-feeling-self-and-its-role-in-suicidal-ideation/

https://emergingfromthedarknight.wordpress.com/2016/08/30/signs-you-may-have-been-emotionally-neglected/

I want your body

No. I don’t mean this in a purely sexual way.  What I am talking of here is how in this world where so much is getting electronic, ethereal or digital and how our mind creates all kinds of stories and trips is of how the body is often left far behind and we lose touch with the need to just ‘BE’ with another body.  Relating face to face.

Okay maybe a lot of this yearning of mine is currently coming to mind as I realise how disconnected I had to be from my own body when trauma hit so as to not feel the full onslaught or of how it was at the tender age of 17 when the prospect of an embodied relationship with a male sparked so much fear lodged in me from a Catholic education which taught me to despise or demonize the female body.  I had my car crash on the back of my first sexual awakening that got aborted and now my therapist believes at 56 I am starting to need to re do my adolescence as so much got stolen from me then.

Well the man who has shown up in my life is online.  He is signed up with the forces till March and may only possibly be able to get out early due to a medical issues and we have made this connection since mid March 2018 which has just been growing and deepening but the frustration is we cannot meet.  I know my Mars energy is burbling from the basement as Mars goes retrograde for two months on 25 – 26 of June which is the anniversary of my second accident in 2005 on the first anniversary of my husband’s decision to leave me.  Ours was never a deeply sexual relationship.  In many ways we were like brothers and sister or twin souls.  We both lost our Dads in our early 20s and were then left by our partners.  When we met this wound bonded us. But when I went on to do my healing my husband wanted me NOT TO GO THERE and so things broke apart for a reason.  That does not mean I didn’t grieve so deeply the loss of my ex husband and our new life in England, actually its taken all of these past 13 years to come to terms with things and to see ours was never going to be a life time relationship and that this wound was just the repeat theme of three other broken hearts I suffered from 23 to age 29.

Now I am so happy to have another opportunity at love.  I don’t want to blow it and luckily I am able to be fully honest with this new friend of mine especially on a day like yesterday when the Mars frustration was reminding me of how it was to be trapped inside a crushed car unable to breathe with pieces of metal inside me and collapsed lung bleeding pleura into surrounding tissue after having been pierced by a broken rib.  And a guy behind me with an oxygen mask I was trying to fight off.  All of that trauma got retriggered following a cranio session back in the UK in June 2005 and I ended up smashed and cut open again waking up after lost time with a paramedic again hovering over me in an ambulance.  Scary shit.  Plus I was 12,000 miles from home all alone.

Love is scary for me.  I know that now but what is scarier is facing a life without the opportunity to experience a fully embodied love in skin.  Today I got a call from my sis asking me for a coffee which was so so great, as some of you know she just got out of hospital after 6 weeks of treatment for anxiety and depression.  We met in the arcade my Mum used to run down alone on those afternoons after school when she had no one, the arcade where my parent’s first business a continental deli was in the 1950s. I made a real effort to get there, cause I know my sis is trying so hard to live again after hospital and all of her grief.  Her husband also left her in 2010 so we know a similar heartache.  We don’t talk much of these things but just being with her was good.   There was so much silent history there too, but some of my resentment is fading these days.

I want to grasp every opportunity there is to connect, share time and really live after so  many years spent in the wilderness.   I want to be in a body and relate to others in bodies in a really present way.   I really want to full embrace life, warts and all, knowing my body and psyche has the ability to withstand all of the onslaughts and the courage to summon up and face my deepest fears while answering with love : body to body, face to face, eye to eye, heart to heart, soul to soul.

Nothing much I can do; but be there.

So I went to see my sister and am very glad I did.  It was a horribly sad experience to see her in the state she is so medicated and so broken on the drive home I feared my heart was going to tear my chest apart, literally.  It doesnt help that the drive there is the same one I used to take to my now dead much older sister’s care home for years and years.  To see two sisters endure what they have is a pain I would not wish on my worst enemy.

But that said despite the pain I am glad I finally found the courage to front up for my sister because I have decided I will never abandon her.  I know I cannot change her inner state of mind and after the abuse she has been through I know how it is to suffer as she is.  At the moment all the pain revolves around having nothing to wear and hair that is growing too long.  It breaks my heart as these are not the real issue but she believes they are so I just supported her hugged her and gave her as much love as I could while breaking down myself.  I didnt protect my heart, I didnt hold it back I just opened it fully to the pain and grief not only of my sister but my dead sister and Mum and other relatives to and despite also screaming out the agony for a few seconds on the homeward drive and feeling quite destabilised for some time I now feel okay.

Its harrowing to see my sister’s state of mind,  but I also know I am powerless over it.  My sister said she is living in a nightmare and does not feel that she wants to go on, this is the worst ever episode of her depression.  I will not argue and to say it breaks my heart is an understatement but seeking to take distance on the illusion it would protect me is serving no one, most of all myself.  I can only pray and be so grateful that I no longer suffer depression and am completely chemical free.  I will never abandon my sister as long as she is alive, as the third birthorder and lost child, though I wish it were so different and she had found another pathway out of our family dysfunction.

 

Another clash with my brother

My brother called last night to tell me my sister was finally admitted to the care facility at the hospital.   I made the mistake of trying to address some of what I had found out had triggered my sister feeling so anxious with him and he just shut me down.  The first thing that triggered my reaction of feeling so angry were the words ‘she was in a highly irrational state’ this from a man whose daughter said to me ‘Dad will rationalise until the cows come home.’  He then said he didnt want to get involved in any complicated analysis of what my sister is thinking and feeling, it was in no way complex, she was terrified of not ‘measuring up’ something her best friend told me when I let her know my sis was in hospital.

I had to end the conversation with my brother as I was so angry and I woke at 4 am feeling how the anger was sitting in my body and I ended up growling like a wild lion in the middle of the night and then when I settled down my little dog Jasper gave a little bark.  I know he picks up on things as when my brother came around the other day and invaldiated me he left the room immediately we sat down to talk.  Gotta love how animals just act on their instincts as far as humans are concerned.

When I called my sister’s friend back and got angry she got panicked and said ‘don’t get angry with him, he’s just putting up defences and its not only his loss but his sister’s loss as well.’  I wasnt bothered by her trying to calm me down, it was for my own good and is a sign when I dialogued with my inner child/self I need to have stronger boundaries around him and lower expectations.  I should have learned this by now as long time followers will know I’ve been here countless times before.

When I have expressed either sadness or anger with my brother its like he has seen it as some kind of flaw, error or weakness in me. My therapist said as much yesterday.  I then become the ‘bad’ one (for being angry/’mad’) and need to be distanced from which can leave me questioning if I really am bad and sane at all.  Around his family I am constantly made to feel lower than pond scum, and his wife is a rigid narcissist with a lot of blocked feelings and looks upon hugs and other displays of affection as weakness.

Truth is this morning I felt sadness and compassion for my brother but not enough to want to have contact with him much.  I want to handle all my own affairs independently although I did ask him for some help as Mum’s ashes have still not been collected and there is so much to do with sorting out her unit and my sister’s collapse means its not possible for her to do it and I understand why.  But part of me doesnt want to spend any extended time in his company. I felt hatred for him last night and murderous rage to be totally honest!

I know staying angry with my brother probably wont help and will only do me damage.  Good thing was last night I saw how it affected me bodily and in my gut and digestion.   It took a lot of work to get going today as I was awake from 4 to 6 am and then up at 8.30.  But I am getting through.  The mowing people came to clear the yard today and I was able to speak to my nephew who gets how I feel and is so supportive in encouraging me to keep good boundaries.  His advise was ‘to put on my Scobby Do mask’ with my brother.  I am not a good mask wearer would just rather keep a distance but I know letting out my emotions with him is not a good idea as it is not with any narcissist who sees feelings as a sign of irrationality and weakness.  What is most important is that I don’t end up making myself feel bad or wrong for feeling or finding healthy ways to express and contain them.

Not come undone

I know your heart is beating there

And labouring under the weight of so many things you cannot seem to express

I cannot know the full truth of it I can only feel how it has been for you From very young To orient yourself around doing things for others

You found it hard to find your way in to an inner life

What can I do with how I feel What can I do with the thoughts of past pain Of the memoris of how you were run run running and I said to you Please stop Please turn within and feel your feelings

Instead there was an almighty clash and Not this time with me That sent you reeling And at the end led to capture and hospitalisation And the the shock of them trying to control your errant brain

After that it hurt so deeply For us to see the vacancy in your eyes The way your hands shook You tried to take your life then clawed your way back Only to have them defeat you again Yelling at you to get up out of bed I wasnt there but then they sent you and Mum home on the bus And you were shattered How could you trust agaim When there was no resting place No place of comfort or healing from the pain?

The pain of this locked deep inside has never been addressed and now again you will go down Surrendering your will under medication and to doctors who ask not one thing about your past While I stay here on the outside trying to find a way to be with it And not come undone?

The truth of this goes ages back and in the yard I hear our ancestors weeping as ghosts look on powerless to help And I search for the right way to turn