A road in the woods

Road

A road opened up

In the woods

Deep inside the wilderness spaces of this heart

That led to you

It revealed itself

When I let myself feel my loneliness and deep longing

Despite all fear

And answer its plea

By reaching out

You may not fully understand me

But you let me be

Who I am

We were alone in this wood so long

You and I

Separated by mist and fog

Inside I felt the silent cry of your heart

That no one else but one other could feel

This journey we are living out is cellular and emotional

As sisters we share a lonely legacy

I cried today

And you held my hand

I felt more walls coming down

I was always so frightened of you

But now I dont struggle as hard

With being the one

Who expresses feeling

For in the lonely wood

Where we connected

I suddenly heard a choir of angels sing

I am sure it was not just imagining

The heavens rejoiced

When you reached across that great divide

To hold my hand

And the empty space in both of us was filled

With a recognition

Deep pain

And unfathomable love

Unspoken

In and out

Jasper and I just returned from a lovely walk.  We needed to rebond as last night I woke up in the middle of the night to find he had peed all over the mat in the toilet and I flew into a rage. (Yes followers I am neurotic and full of this same anger my mother had when messes are made.)  I threw the mat at him and he ran to the door but it was closed.  I then went back to bed.  Of course this morning I was full of remorse and then all the issues of my past were so strongly with me.  I felt the frustrated impotent rage I often feel that I never moved forward into my own life in 2001 when I started the psychological astrology course and was really hitting my inner child’s pain in my first therapy attempt, as some followers know at this point both my mother and now dead sister were deep in crisis.  Mum and fallen and Judy had been taken out of the care home by her alcoholic partner and beaten up and was finally flown miles away to a place in the middle of nowhere.  Later Mum found a place for her in a care home for people with acquired brain injury.

In the journals I read on the weekend I was by that stage back here in Oz with my now ex husband angry on some level I had come back, while wanting to be there and feeling the pressure to, since on his death bed Dad asked me to care for Mum.  At that stage I had left my ex husband for 6 months to go back to the UK but could still not make a break forward with him alone there.   The bond with my family was just too strong and so I came back again and he ended up leaving me.  I then tried to go back to the UK again and suffered a huge head injury.  As I look back now there was not a lot of support in the UK at that stage for me but to be honest there was enough.  I say all the time to my therapist that I don’t feel I was brave enough to make it on my own.  Knowing how hard I am on myself she doesn’t agree, she often just smiles and shakes her head, saying “there goes Mr A again!” (the name I give to my inner critic).

Anyway on an astrology level at that stage Saturn planet of self definition, standing alone and separation was on the MC or the top part of my chart (tenth house).  14 years later its now in the 4th which has to do with mother, home, family and karmic inheritance.  A few of my past few posts have been about this.  The nephew who visited well his Sun falls in my fourth house and on the weekend I felt how I often feel I take on a mother role in the absence of his own Mum who died.  On the weekend I wanted to drive him to the cemetery (and also didn’t in a way).   Today I am aware how much the bond to my family has cost me in terms of moving forward but I am, at the same time also aware that this is a limited view.  I have learned a lot more about my family and myself by coming back to Australia in 2001 and 2006.   I was able to be there at time for my sister before her death in 2014 and I have been able to make tentative connections with the boys who were like brothers to me growing up, and taken from us when my brother in law took them all away to another country, disappearing.   But I have not managed to move forward into my own life.

Today I was grateful that on our walk after we reached an open field and I sat for a while on the chair looking out over the ground, watching a swallow dip and dive that Jasper cried at me and then sat at my feet looking longingly.  I picked him up and he sat on my legs back to me and bottom to my pelvis while I cried.  I felt the pain of that anger of mine he has to bear sometimes when all of my frustration at not moving forward comes up.  The bond with my sister who died WAS SO HUGE!!!  She was the one I went to for holidays.  Mum and Dad just worked all of the time and my other sister tried to say how it was the same for most of our generation but I am not sure.  Other friends speak of times with the family on holidays when they spent time together.  By the time I was in early adolescence my other sister had left home and my brother was in business with my Dad while my sister was in business with my Mum.  I was alone ALL THE TIME.  My older sister at that point was in Sydney for a while and I could fly down for holidays but I hated having to leave.   I prayed for her to return to our home town but then she got to overworking in her own business and had the stroke.  Did I feel in some strange way responsible as I had prayed and prayed for her to move back.  When she did everything came unstuck.

It is important today for me to let all of this flow out, boring as it may be for others who live a different life.  I need to see that I didn’t do anything wrong and that all along I have been doing the very best to become more aware and separate from the past.  In many ways the pain of what I went through with my sister, through loving her will always be with me, etched so deeply, powerfully and painfully on my soul.  But there is also a light side in that I know that on some level what worked out was a karmic thing that is and was far larger than me and that my sister for all the tragic sadness also had such light inside her, albeit a light that never got to fully live.  In my own case  I acted out my own pain or buried it deeply in addiction from 1979 to 1993 when I finally got sober.  Becoming conscious was a far larger journey and will not probably be over until I die, should I really be flying into a rage with myself over the things I cannot change.  Should I be being hard on my poor dog who probably couldn’t get outside to the loo so decided to pee in the place the smelt human pee?  Answer is No!  But the truth is I am a far from perfect human.  And sometimes I feel shame about it, however the deeper problem is that I demand too much perfection of life, myself and others.

I am due at therapy soon and haven’t had any lunch so I am going to post this much now.  I had some very strange things happen yesterday, the television in the bedroom which is mounted on the wall turned on by itself and then a book that I was reading on grief just disappeared I have searched the house for over 24 hours and there is no sign of it.  I feel my sister is around at the moment as these are two things that are just two of four bizarre kinds of psychic occurrences which have occurred over the past 4 weeks.  For now I need to post this much and go tend to my body with some nutritious food. I will be back!

 

Coming to peace : reflections on the past week

I woke to streaming sunlight this morning.  I was aware of what a huge wave had been building to carry me through another ancestral swell over the past week.  Before the visit of my nephew and my family I was waking up around 4.30 or 5.30 and unable to get back to sleep.  While they were here I was conscious of how many different levels my being and body was operating on.  Any visit by one of my four nephews who were disconnected both from my sister and I after her abandonment is a huge thing for me.  After all these four boys were close to age to me than my own siblings.  We laughed and played together and is funny as I just thought I re-experienced that on the weekend when I played with my nephew’s two youngest boys.  The older son is around the age my older nephew was when his mother had the cerebral bleed that tore us all apart.

I struggled so much on Saturday with the abandonment feelings not only of my own but through reflection on how they have played out over 5 generations.  In my own case my sobriety and work on my own addiction and recovery has given me deeper insight into dynamics and I also have the added burden or awareness of knowing the ancestral history.  I struggle to be known to this particular nephew as he keeps in touch more with my mother and what she says to him about me I am not sure.  I struggled on the weekend to know how much connection to have and I felt the conflict of that as on the Saturday I held my self back as I had offered to take my nephew to the cemetery and I knew that was going to be a big deal for both of us so I felt I needed my time out with my dog.  But deeper inside I was so aware of the inner child in me who longed for so much love and connection of a deeper kind.  We came close to that at the cemetery when we both had an arm around each other as we stood and wept.  Its hard though because I am the emotional one and I didn’t want my pain to eclipse the pain of others,

Anyway we did connect a little and I managed to share with my nephew’s wife a little about my recovery from addiction as the subject of booze and drugs came up as we were discussing the painful impact.  For those of you who don’t know my sister abused alcohol but this came more out of survival drive and a degree of emotional neglect, my parents were very poor when they returned to live in Australia after the end of the Second World War and had to work very hard,  too hard in the end, ambition destroyed both my sister and my father (well more the painful aftermath that hit my sister in my Dad’s case when she had the cerebral bleed and was weeks in a coma he was the one sitting by the bedside holding her hand and talking to her even though the doctors told him she could not hear – not true!)  She did come back but what happened to her at the hands of my brother in law almost destroyed her life and in the end it broke her emotionally.

As I write that though I am not daring to blame my brother in law.  He did the best he could but he was a runner, he didn’t face up or talk about what help he needed he just took them all off to the land of our ancestors and in the end the boys had to leave home and fend for themselves.  There is a karmic repeat theme in even this though.  And he may have even been having an affair around the time my sister had the stroke.  He had the woman shacked up to fly over too and he knew that when he took my sister from her home and away from us in 1981.  We will never know as he never spoke about those years even to his sons.  As he lay dying a few years ago he would only say, “I didn’t do very well by your mother.”

I have to be aware of the terrible burden all of those boys carry in different ways.  At times I get so caught up in the feelings around my sister and her life that I forget about them.  But even as I write this I am aware too of how much I need to bring the focus back on my own life.  So much of it has been dominated by this family trauma to the extent that two major relationships went to the wall.  I had the option to live my life in the UK 13 years back but I could not, at that point leave my Mum and sister alone.

I was reading back on some journals too, last night about the time things were breaking apart with my husband.  I put him in a difficult situation by asking that we come back to Oz then changing my mind and not being able to be close to my Mum in terms of living in the same town.  It is very hard to have emotions around my mother who puts them aside all of the time with practicalities.  It all ended up with me alone in a collapse nearly buried under the weight of it all.  I am only now really beginning to get any insight into what occurred in 2004 with the break up and the aftermath in which I had two major accidents.  It might sound strange or out there to some readers but I feel on some level the ancestors were always calling me back here to Australia and even called me over to the UK before in order that I could honour their hidden emotional history.  Why did my sister end up marrying a New Zealander when that was where our ancestors migrated to in 1874?  Why was she taken back there and away from us when she first married in 1965 when I was only 3?  Why was that the place she ended up in an asylum put there by her husband to get her out of the way when my Great Great Grandfather also ended up in some kind of institution in New Zealand?  Many years ago a lady who did spiritual ancestral healing work told me “your sister isn’t bi polar she is living out a generational wound/split”.  I firmly believe that to be true.

Anyway family history is such a gigantic Gordian knot of a thing.  The fates in mythology weave it onwards and we in later years may be the one’s bequeathed the task of the unravelling or at least the ones of us in the family with a strong Saturnian (or ancestral) link.  And yet even as I write that part of me asks “are you really meant to unravel this mystery or are you meant to put the knotted ball of fate/karma down?”

Big wave washed over us in the last week following the eclipse on the 22nd.  It was about my Uranus in the first house and Uranus is the force that both severs and enlightens.  It may be the force that asks us to see where the splits of leaving in terms of pursuing freedom may even have led to a deeper unconscious bondage and those words just came to me so I will have to reflect on them.

I was listening to part of a scientific programme on the nature of time yesterday and what the scientist was saying is that past and present are both realities.  We are told all the time that we need to let the past go or leave it alone but the truth is the past is here with us at every moment.  Our challenging task, as I see it now, is to be able to live in the present with full awareness of the impact of the past but not drowned by it.  Losses challenge us because they take from us in the present something we love and then seem to relegate that loved one or object to the past but really what has happened is just that the nature of the relationship has changed form.  In my own case I speak to my ancestors who have passed on all the time.  Often I feel them around me in meditation or I call on their help and remember their emotional lines when I am going through my own challenges.  Often in deep despair I feel the imprints of their own deeper suffering bleeding through into my own.  I know this as a fact I am made of DNA that came from their DNA encoded by their own sufferings, trials, loves, losses, adventures and experiences.  Knowing the past helps me to understand and grow in awareness, so how does “putting it all behind me” help?  To be honest I think what I have needed is to make my peace with it.  Even this morning as I lay in bed crying over things from the past I centred in my heart and held myself tenderly in the midst of the pain and comforted myself with these words “you did the best you could at the time, you struggled with such enormous things, know this darling its all okay, you are safe, you are loved and you are growing even if your inner critic doesn’t want you to know it” and golly how well my body responded to those words and that is when I realised that how we speak to ourselves and what we say affects every single cell in our body, so why not give love, why not find peace, why not just be the witness to it all as it unfurls before us, this mysterious tangle of experiences and suffering that we call life?

At your bedside

1902710_674781695916238_4750342448706611321_n

At your bedside I sat Hand in hand It was a one way conversation But I know enough To know That on an energy level You heard every word I said to you And witnessed every tear

Taken from me three times Each time was hard I tried to fill the void That was far larger than me The rent that appeared When all you loved was torn away Leaving a gaping wound Nothing could ever fill.

There was the time They called me to your bedside It was the day of Dad’s death many years later. you had gone from your body Withdrawn a little way When I came to the house You came back to us For another few years

Sister my sister You are never far from me Now you are in my heart Let that be enough for me now Let me remember love can never end That love is all that is left Even as the final chapter of our earthly story Is read People who have never known such love or loss Tell us to forget But should we?  Could we?

This evening when I see your son and the three grandchildren you saw so rarely I know I will be seeing the part of you that lives on.  What your being and soul gave birth to.           A story that lives on.  Let me not make demands But instead Let me appreciate what is left The best of a beautiful soul Cut down so young With so much to give

For my sister

Mixed feelings

I just saw my sister at the local café near her unit.  I had popped in after my dental appointment to get lunch and when she saw me I immediately felt sorry about what I had written in an earlier post, about how difficult I found our relationship in the past.  I don’t always see the other side of my sister that she had to repress so many years ago, the side that can be caring, add to this that she showed me while we were talking a burn on her wrist… a very nasty one.  I immediately felt upset she was hurt, which shows me despite everything I still love my sister.   Then when I write that I am aware of the complex multi layers feelings that form such a huge part of our relationship.  She has really hurt me deeply in the past and I can see that maybe sometimes she wanted to help and I pushed her away due to deep hurt and what I do believe to be true was that on some level she didn’t really see me as much as my older sister did.

And yet I am also aware that there is no way I can fully know how my sister feels inside.  I wish we had been closer growing up but we were not.  Today we ended up having a really good conversation about things.  The conversation never goes very deep but still there was feeling in it, which immediately made me feel guilty about my earlier post, but I guess it shouldn’t.  All I tried to share earlier is how I am trying to pull away from any expectations, perhaps hoping in some way that will ease old past hurt or wounds over nasty thing she said when she wasn’t really that well emotionally.   Now on some level though I don’t deny the pain I still want to have love in my heart.  I hate the thought of talking about her behind her back on my blog and wonder if that doesn’t have a narcissistic element.  I don’t have a lot of close friends where I live and so my blog becomes often, my primary place of expression and so I do press out what is inside bad or good, just to get it out there, realising that nothing is set in stone and on any separate day feelings can change.

I just felt the need to post this post in the interest of balance.

Angry with my family

Anger

I am not going to deny my anger any more.  I have legitimate reasons to be very angry at my family and my mother and sister in particular for what they put me through following the end of my marriage and even in the years before where I was just never treated with support, empathy and love.  I am sick to death of denying the truth to myself, rationalising it and minimising it.  I just spoke to my therapist and she said my anger needs to flow out and I need to find ways to do that today… write about it in your blog, draw it out or scream it out, do what ever you need to do to get it out of your system she said to me and so this blog is part of that process.  Internalised, invalidated anger has been kicking around inside my system for so long, it resulted in my accidents and in my alcoholism.  Part of my recovery is that I need to speak about it and value and validate my inner self and inner child.

I recognise what happened when I spoke to my mother yesterday when writing my blog A hollowed out shell was that by crying and becoming really vulnerable my Mum roped me into compassion.  Earlier on I had ended the conversation when she was once again telling me I needed to forget about things and put them behind me.   She called me back out of guilt to ask me to dinner and at first I said no and then wanted to relent when she showed me how much pain she was in and how insecure and unable to truly express herself she feels.  While I feel compassion for her I cannot let that over ride my own anger about what happened to me for it is anger that lets me know something hurt me deeply and wasn’t okay and that then helps me set some kind of boundary.  If I get told I shouldn’t have it or feel it that is invalidation abuse pure and simple and if the person is trying to guilt me out of it that is worse abuse.  Full stop! No argument, no debate!

I had a difficult day yesterday.  I noticed I got onto You Tube and posted some videos in two posts which although they had interesting insights don’t really help me to cut to the depth of dealing with the trauma and anger I am still carrying from the head injury that happened to me 12 years ago as the result of my sister and my mother’s meanness. At that stage I needed support and help to heal and grieve and know my truth, but I see how impossible this is to attain from anyone in my family they were just not that awake to the inner self or emotional realities.  My Mum is close to waking up but she seriously needs therapy.  I am sick of trying to be her therapist.  It isn’t my job really and she often told me that its not a good idea to go to others with your problems.  Her bottom line is that you need to work things out alone but that comes from a childhood where she was left alone and had to figure things out all alone.  Yesterday she was touching into deep realities and she told me how she feels so helpless and alone with no one much to talk to about all the things she goes through.  I want to say “well Mum get some therapy” but she never would.  So I end up being the font of all compassion but my compassion now is only prepared to extend so far when no recognition of past hurts or any apology has been forthcoming.

Second reason for anger and terribly acute body symptoms over the past few days has been unresolved issues with my living sister.  She was so awfully mean to me at the aforementioned time, telling me I was a selfish little girl and that I had had a shit of a life and she pitied me.  Oh and also going behind my back to my nephew (my older dead sister’s son) who I was really establishing a close relationship with and telling him how jealous I was of her.  Luckily at that time (just under 3 years ago now) he told me and I confronted her on the day we putting a party on for my mother.  I wish I had just walked out for at first she tried to deny it and then she said he had no right to tell me and then that she thought it was true.  But what I actually think is true is that the situation was the reverse and narcissists always believe they are so wonderful that the universe is jealous of them, why I do not know when the are such superiority junkies looking down their noses at all and sundry.  I have never been that person, as those who know me and have told me its just NOT ME.

Anyway she has softened somewhat in later years and actually did give me a grudging apology about what occurred in 2005 when I confronted her and Mum about it 2 years ago around this time of year.  But it was in no way an apology that came from her heart or truly recognised the damage done and the other day when she rang me about my tooth issue concerned to see how I was, it was I who ended up apologising to her for reacting to the horrible way she traated me.  Did I need to apologise  NO!  And my inner child is very upset with adult me about it and let me know as I woke up with shocking PTSD symptoms yesterday.  Whenever I see my sister my anxiety level goes through the roof and I was telling my therapist today that it was because I feel there is a lot of anger and hurt my body is carrying and the only way it has to come out is as anxiety.  But the mixed up irony is that as anxious as I feel I try even harder to bond with her and its a trauma bond and end up having an extra coffee with her even though its not really good for me to do it, because I feel she may be lonely.

I am aware as I write all this out it may seem like sour grapes to some.  I don’t really care as what you think isn’t my issue.  But what I need to know and see more clearly which is why I am putting it out there in black and white is how I can over ride my own impulses and intuitions. I often find my inner critic attacks my real attempts at feeling the truth of my feelings and most particularly that includes genuine expressions of anger.

Katina, my therapist was today reminding me that as much compassion as I feel I also need to remind myself that its okay to be angry.  So many of the messages around me growing up in family and Catholic school were based on anger being a ‘bad’ or negative emotion, when really anger is a signal of something from our deepest, truest inner self.  If we deny or over ride our own angry impulses we end up in such strife.  I have had so many accidents due to traumas from my past or pain replaying over in the present moment and this is one of the saddest facts about trauma,  it tends to attract more of the same to us but most particularly for those of us who were taught to value compassion, rationalisation and excuses over valid expression of anger.  So many times I have been told I better be careful as anger is dangerous, but this is only the case when it is not cleanly and clearly expressed, or if it is expressed aggressively.   We need to be so mindful of where our sore angry spots lie because when triggered they are signs of something from the past that needs to be dealt with or is calling for our awareness or attention, if we don’t pay attention we are in trouble  It won’t do us any good to act our anger out on those who really are just triggering a massive back log of past stuff but we still need to be aware that such people aren’t good to be around on a long term basis.  I am sad to say that goes for my family at present, much as I long for their love, when they are around it comes with huge reminders of pain from the past.  I have not ‘let it go’ yet, it hasn’t let go of me.

Its difficult writing this, as I was the television was just turned on by some automatic process.  I went over and Jasper my dog had his ear on the remote but what was most interesting was that it was a show called Compass and was on a priest’s life, and at that moment in time he was speaking of the ‘false ego’ that has to die if we want to fully embrace our humanity.  It made me question the wisdom of hanging onto my anger.  Maybe my sister had changed now and has soften, maybe she regrets what she did to me all of those years ago.  Maybe my mother wishes she hadn’t been so cruel to have chosen my sister over me when I was ‘too sad’ grieving at the end of my marriage.  I truly don’t know the answers to these questions.  Is my anger coming from ‘false ego’?  Is that why the television automatically came on?  I don’t know either but I am putting this in my blog as part of the mental process I go through on a day when I am trying to make sense of and deal with this anger from the past and the deep wound in me that gets triggered around this time of year.  I feel less angry now after writing this.  I have attempted to express my true reality, for what it is worth.   And I appreciate any feedback or any sharing from others about how you have dealt with your own anger.

And in the interest of openness the following are just a selection of anger quotes I came across on line :

 

 

A Band Around My Heart

Featured Image -- 26684

Today earlier after dropping my car off to be repaired and getting the bus to my Mum’s so I could borrow hers for a few days I started to feel this tight band around my heart.  We spoke of things others in the family share with her, they don’t share with me these kind of being cared for experiences by their siblings but when all this was being shared I was conscious of this tightness and then tears.  No words, no stories, just deep disappointment, sadness and a pain in my heart.

I never hear much from my sister who is living about what is really going on either and most especially after I tried to connect with her late last week.  It turns out my nephew’s wife’s father died sometime over the weekend.  I had spoken to my sister expressing my care and concern.  Mum only mentioned it remotely in passing.  I come from a FUCKING WIERD FAMILY!!!  Or MAYBE I DONT.  MAYBE THIS IS HOW FAMILIES ARE : Great emotional distances, little connection especially over the most important things.  Or I could be being very self centred and selfish because they are probably just caught up in so much grief, grief which mirrors older grief and is triggering such deep, deep grief for me around persistent disconnection which ends up making me feel lonelier than when I am really alone with either my dog or my higher power or others who are actually open hearted rather than shut down and stitched up.

Add to this I am still struggling to accept I have to have my tooth out. I am struggling with resentment toward my Mum, even though now she has offered to give me all the support in the world to help as I go through the procedure (when, I don’t know as I have to get a referral tomorrow!).

Perhaps I need to speak to Mum about what is going on in my heart. On Saturday when all my abandonment and trauma pain was going on I wanted to leave a message on her phone giving her a serve.  I thought better of it.  And I recall a quote that says I spoke my anger to a friend and my anger had an end.  In the past anger has just erupted out of me.  I haven’t spoken it cleanly and clearly. And it occurs to me that I can express anger with love and that my words would have more power and strength if that power of anger was harnessed in a more productive way that just scatter gun rage blowing at a target!

Truth is as a child and young teenager things my Mum and Dad and family did REALLY, REALLY HURT ME, deeply. I didn’t feel seen and I didn’t feel held in mind.  I feel the same things would not have happened in this day and age.  My opinion as a child may have been consulted.  It is very important to me now that I have a voice, that I am not ridden rough shod over by others, that others don’t force their will and agenda on to me.  However sometimes in my quest for power, protection and control I just go off and become silent and try to cope alone instead of unburdening what is in my heart because its too much to take risk.  It is then I feel the tight band around my heart, squashing all the pain down deep inside, not allowing me to cough it up and spit it out.

The best process for me currently though is for my inner child to speak to my adult self about the pain I went through all of those years ago, about how it was for her and how, when my adult self isn’t aware or present that old pattern can replay.  The adult me needs to hear it so we can look for a way to take care of the child in the midst of what is painful, so that she feels safe, held and cared for.  Others will not always give this to me.   They may have had to block their own pain, or they may have been feeling guilt or shame and so get defensive if I bring up mine.

One thing is for sure though.  The tight band reminds me all the time of the cost of not nurturing my heart or paying kind attention to what triggers.   I may need to feel and free the tears that need to fall but may not if my mind or stories are blocking those deeper feelings from being expressed.  Fact is that I had so many experiences of being overpowered on a bodily experience level when young that I felt I had lost all power.  This issue was highlighted last week when I chose a novel from the library about a teenage girl who was raped and had another’s will forced upon her.  She had to feel the painful consequences of that, of knowing that at times the world and others can disempower or overwhelm us.   How to take control in this situation, when all control has been stolen?  How to deal with the rage and anger that is left in a way that doesn’t destroy what precious connections remain?   This is just such a huge issue for those of us who suffer Post Traumatic Stress distress, it what I have been grappling with for years and now wish I could let go in some way, but it still hurts, the reality hurt a lot!