Well back here we are my sister, Mum and me, alone again after all the trauma with little Lyra hit, worrying and wondering and feeling how it is to have no loving family apart from each other close. I called my nephew this morning he only texted back everyone is excited and elated, Lyra is now smiling and out of sedation, call you later the text said. I breathed such a huge sigh of relief but today all three of us are feeling the trauma and the void more deeply than ever. I am sure he has a lot going on as his wife’s extended family were flying in to join them all this morning. I am glad Lyra and Gerrard have all of that loving support. But it does drive home how isolated we can be at times.
I do believe separations are a part of life. With Mercury planet of communications very close the astrological heavy weight Saturn (planet of being alone and separate) now with Mercury moving backwards its driving home to me how deeply Saturnian our family is. Those who managed to break away have close bonds, my nephews all have loving partners and families. My brother has a very close bonded family. The rest of us, well our relationships dissolved for one reason and another.
As I look back I see how hard it was for me to understand emotional connection and closeness growing up. Trauma has the affect of fragmenting us anyway and relational trauma is the worst. If you have a trauma and those around you pull close to you and surround you with love you do a lot better. The loved ones may not understand the deeply traumatised person but they may try. In the case of my older sister and I (and my dead sister, too) when trauma hit us and emotions were challenging there was not one partner who stayed around. I hate to say I am a little envious of Lyra being surrounded by all of that love, but I am. With my Saturn Moon I have to carry that burden of solitude and aloneness and realise I will only connect for a time to anyone. Trauma from my own past made my hypervigilant and gun shy, very fearful of being betrayed and abandoned again in any relationship. I see how I have held back due to fear and then became a lone wolf but hungering for love never the less. All the love I give to my own inner child and inner self is important but it doesnt always make up for a hug from others.
Today I am worried for my mother who is alone now after witnessing that trauma with Lyra the other day. Having people close who then go through trauma or leave has been a constant in our family which seems to have been dogged by separations, leavings, emotional absence and loss. I need to find a way to bear all of this with good grace.
I don’t feel disconnected from myself today and I am thankfully not inside that trauma space. I am so very grateful to the caring souls on WordPress who yesterday reached out to me with so much love, thank you Laina, Grizzly Man, 1 Wise Woman, Alexis, and Twinkle Toes. You made getting through yesterday just the little bit easier for me. I am so lucky to have a connection with you and value your support a lot. I was telling my sister today how much being able to write about what is going on and be connected to here and through my blog helps me. I hope to do the same with others, for there are all times we need a hand to hold in the midst of difficulites.
Relational trauma interrupts the bonds that connect us to others, to our heart and to our feelings as well as to ourselves. Trauma creates a schism that can keep us so alone. Trauma fractures our identity and if we are not held it feels as though we are falling through space.
Last night I googled ‘Trauma Vortex’ as its something Peter Levine talks about in his book Waking The Tiger . I found an excellent article by someone who works with the body in trauma. I will post the link to it below.
If we never experience being held in love or connected to when we are in trauma it’s enough to tear our hearts so deeply apart that we may not even survive. I was also thinking today that those of us who are born with fine radar and are highly sensitive are far more likely to struggle in this life. We become more vulnerable to energies around us, we pick up a lot and we may struggle or suffer if we do not recognise this. I could not help but think a lot about this a lot last night as it affected my grand niece. I think it was far too big a trip for her for four days, she was not eating the same as she may have at home. We were at cafes for lunch on several days. Her tummy was a little sore on Sunday night due to this. Little children need us to stay connected to and in tune with them. On Friday I was careful to take her away and spend some time playing and exploring when it got all a bit too boring with the adults sitting around and discussing adult things. I noticed the frown on her face when she didnt like some of the food and was told to eat it up. At that age its so important that our tastes are respected and I know kids need boundaries but they need to be fair ones. I remember being taken out to dinners with Mum and Dad a being fed alcohol when I was only still very young and then wishing I could go home and go to bed but having to wait around. We learn a lot about about how to care for our bodies and souls in childhood by the way others treat us and knowing that we have a right to what we like and need is so important.
Today I am in a much better place than I was yesterday, the sadness at feeling disconnected is very strong anyway as we head towards Christmas, I know its a very common sadness for so many of us. At this time if we don’t come from a happy family its hard to watch those who do, having times together and being connected, however at this time of year no matter how disconnected we do feel we can always reach out to others for connection, to know that someone cares and is there for us is so important. We are relational beings. Even if we are empathic introverts we still have a need to be connected in ways that are not compromising or overpowering for us. Feeling invaded in the past may make us feel gun shy, but there are those out there who will love and respect who we are. Pain of the past can make us self absorbed, especially if we feel others would not understand us. But in the end, at times we have to let it begin with us, when it comes to reaching out. Those of us who can end up faring better than those who can’t.