Maybe there are oceans inside of us. Perhaps everything is not as solid as it seems. I have experienced so powerfully since my 5 weeks of radiation for breast cancer last year how fluid the energy in my body is. When I was reading parts of Peter Levine’s book on trauma earlier this week he explained that part of his work involves getting us back in touch with this sense of the body as vibration and to feel our way into how it sings or pulls or tears or hurts or vibrates as a living energy that is not fixed and can oscillate and change. Also to notice how pain is often a contraction and if we do not resist that contraction and stay with it mindfully in time contraction can change to expansion and release/letting go.
It is coming up both to my Dad’ birthday anniversary as well as the anniversary of my accident when I was only 17 in about 12 days. I am aware of how my body still carries this shock trauma energy of expansion and contraction deep inside. I had a repeat of the accident when I was 41 after a session of cranio sacral where I went back ‘in’ I watched things from outside of my body and saw the grief my parents went through. Dad only got to the hospital after I was taken by the ambulance but Mum came to the scene of it. When they wheeled me past Dad he didn’t recognise me, I was so lacerated and cut up. I was also screaming ‘let me die’ which was a pretty extreme reaction. He was so upset and I grieved in that session not only for what I went through but what my parents went through. The dramatic way I cried out also showed two things 1) I was resisting what was happening to me and 2) at that stage I felt very alone and didn’t really want to be alive (a lot was going down for me prior to the crash!).
Anyway the whole thing repeated in 2005 with me over the other side of the world. In many ways I wish I didn’t have the session then. An astrologer who specialises in near death and trauma said to me that often its difficult to work with these old events in certain ways as they can be retriggered, sometimes, she said, we are best to leave the wound alone and mindfully send it love. I am older and wiser now, however in 2005 the whole thing just opened up for me again and I got badly hurt. In many ways I am still coming back from the trauma of that time that still lives in my body, as well as the grief I have that such a choice led to more damage and pain.
Peter Levine’s work with helping the traumatised to unpack it involves inner work to try to tolerate the strong sensations trauma leaves in the body without dissociating (which is what we usually do in trauma!) It involves putting the focus on those sensations for a time which hurt or repel or are painful and then swinging or what he calls ‘pendulating’ awareness onto something positive and warm and life affirming. This is to counterbalance the extreme fixing, pinning or magnetising affect trauma can have on our body/mind and psyche.
Lately I am aware of how much I have dwelt in and on my trauma over the past 20 years. I have literally allowed it to ‘pin’ me and breaking out of that repetitive feedback loop of focus on body symptoms and negative thoughts or thoughts of doom that can recycle is taking me time. Lately I am fed up with the way trauma has limited my life. I am seeing things about the way I have dealt with it which have not always helped me. I am also seeing how I spend a lot of time ‘running’ on an energy level instead of settling. This the amped up sense I carry inside that death and danger is close and its urgent that I keep things rolling. In fact I was listening to the lyrics of an old song by Foreigner last week that goes “urgent, urgent, urgent, emergency” several times in the chorus and thinking how often that speaks to how I can run my energy.
At the same time I am aware that movement towards positive behaviours, such as forcing my body out into the sunshine or wooded fields for a walk with Jasper, or making effort to pick up the phone and call that caring friend instead of ruminating in fear about how it would be better to keep up a distance and stay safe is essential for me.
One of the most damaging things about trauma is that it can lead us to freeze and get immobilised. Peter Levine addresses this issue at depth in his first book Waking the Tiger. Animals can play dead but then they get a burst of energy to get up and escape from the predator that wants to eat them. If our trauma comes from abuse we need to be able to take action to move rather than become passive, or develop what Peter Walker calls ‘a fawn defence’. Staying powerless and passive will not help us much and may lead to chronic illnesses.
Anyway it takes time to realise all of these things about trauma. It takes time to be able to consciously shift our focus in such a way, not to deny the impact of painful effects but to release the powerful hold they can have over our thinking, energy and perception. It takes time to begin to find the goodness again, to discover the things that we can focus on that don’t amp up our pain, but rather soothe it, that don’t keep it running over and over again on a repetitive feedback loop. It also takes time to find those who understand just what a huge impact trauma has, for if we are lucky enough to find someone willing to be with our traumatised body in full presence we are more likely to be able to unravel from the painful effects of trauma and soothe them, than if we are treated callously or with a lack of empathy.
Peter Levine himself had a serious accident when he was young. He sites the fact that he didn’t develop full blown PTSD to the fact that a woman was there by the side of the road when he had the accident and she sat with him, held his hand and helped to soothe his distress. The last thing anyone with trauma needs to be told is that it doesn’t hurt, or that we should be over it. But that is just what happens to us when confronted with our trauma others freak out or feel too confronted or threatened It can take us some time to realise in this situation that this is a failure on the behalf of others, as trauma survivors we are more than likely to be hard on ourselves and blame ourselves which only makes living as a trauma survivor 1,000 times worse.
In my own case I think the reason I have struggled to heal over 12 years from that second accident in 2005 is that over that time I was rejected for trauma symptoms or misunderstood. That made healing myself extra hard. I was emotionally abused in the last relationship I had for my trauma symptoms and I can still side with my abuser in seeing how difficult it was for him. It was a failure of empathy on one level, but I can still understand how challenging it is for other to see trauma survivors fixed to dark places when the impact of trauma or abuse still possesses us so completely at times.
Last week my therapist said something interesting to me. It was this. “It is important that you know both how to be in the underworld but also how to get out of it.” That made a lot of sense to me. Those of us who have undergone dark things can get so overpowered by those dark experiences as well as the feelings of powerlessness they can leave that we can almost be consumed by our own personal hell and underworld at times. When we are down in the dark and lightless, loveless place it is hard to believe there still is a sun shining above ground and a meadow full of flowers we can skip through. What brings the faith back in that goodness must surely involve someone who can empathise with us and hold our hands in the dark but also not buy in too strongly to our thoughts of doom. That person themselves needs to have a goodness and active energy around them that can embrace both polarities of dark and light. For really they are just two sides of life and those of us who have known the dark may have had to visit it in order to know just how valuable and essential light, empathy and love are Hopefully our own lessons in the dark mean we can be there for others to hold a light up when despair seems to become so overpowering. I certainly hope so.