Today was a tough day, in the morning. Last night afer a dinner at Mum’s my nephew opened up to me about the terror he went through after my sister sustained brain damage from her stroke. I never knew why her husband left her and sent her home, his family in New Zealand would not help. He ended up telling the two older boys they must leave and go it alone when they were just teenagers, the two younger ones (including my nephew who is visiting) were taken here and there and the woman my brother in law took up with following my sister’s illness was unkind to he and his brother. I heard a lot of things last night I wont share here that hurt me so much to hear. I have no medication to dull the effect. I got to sleep after an hour or so of twisting and turning after I finally got to bed just before midnight. I awoke to hear what I thought was my grand-niece having a bad dream. My nephew is taking a valium before bed so as to get a proper sleep. I got back to sleep but awoke with so much going around in my head when they did not get up for an hour and a half I started to feel very anxious and unsettled. Things calmed down but then , when my sister died, I was the one left the task to clear out her room at the care home with Mum and it was such a big task as she kept so much, photos, letters, the children’s drawing, school projects, reports and other nick knacks I have held onto these for over three years now but today I wanted to pass them on. There was a photo of my sister at about age 24 holding her first born and my nephew said, Mum was so beautiful then. I just broke down. It was so hard I was crying so hard I had to leave the room as he was so caught up in looking at the drawings he did as kid that contain similar themes to his later art work (he is now a well recognised artist) and they were images of trauma, I could see that clearly. I felt the terror he was under when my sister ran after him with a pair of scissors. I think after the bleed a part of her brain must have been badly damaged. So hard to hear.
I phoned my other sister as my therapist has told me she won’t answer calls out of session. I had taken on so much of the pain I had to download it somewhere. “He shouldn’t be telling you those things,” my sister said to me. Part of me feels he needs to but I am not his therapist. I want to be there but I realised when I broke down what was really happening was I was seeing how much I have been trying to compensate for my sister’s damage and loss, when really it is not my responsiblity and yet in one way it is. I am so confused!!!
Time out in the bedroom helped, as did the call to my sister. I wondered though if I was the one doing all the feeling, When my nephew knew I was upset he gave me a huge hug, but thats confusing as he is the one who also went through so much pain and when he gets home he has to have an operation to stop a swelling in his cerebellum from impinging on a nerve at the base of his neck. I am frightened for him and was worried when over the past two night he continued to drink two thirds of a bottle of wine. At the same time I dont judge him, I understand its just being in addiction recovery I so wish he did not drink or smoke.
I am aware of my boundaries though. What he does is up to him. After all he told me I know how much he feels he needs pain relief. I think it was such a big thing for him to bring his daughter down here for a few days when he is facing such a huge thing in his life. I now understand why my own Mum was worried and did not know if it would be okay for him to come.
Anyway we went out for lunch and were able to soothe ourselves. There has not been a bad word between any of us. Last night Mum opened up about the circumstances surrounding my father’s death just after Christmas and was able to cry. My nephew held her hand. My Mum got a lot of cuddle time with little Lyra and it was such a sweet visit. It is going to be hard to say goodbye to them tomorrow but at the same time I will be glad also to have some of my space back its so mixed, time with family when there is so much trauma from the past. My sister was always gentle but a strong willed person, its obvious the brain injury changed her. At times she scared even me. I sacrificed so much to stay close to my sister in 2002 and 2005 then again in 2011. I had to come back to my home town to face all of this. I could have gone away but it would all have been kicking around inside of me anyway, and still I long for a life outside a life of pain and grief that is really only tangital to me. I felt such soreness today when the full weight of it all it me. I was aware that at the moment Mercury is about to stand still and station before moving backward to cross critical degrees of Sagittarius that were strong in my dead sister’s chart for her own Mercury which on some level rules the brain and spinal cord as well and Neptune was passing over it when the bleed occurred and Neptune rules the cerebral spinal fluid. (this placement ties into strong placements in my great great grandfather’s chart to which my sister was deeply connected inter cellularly.) Now my nephew has damage to his brain too. I am frightened for him. I want to wrap him up in cotton wool and keep him safe. He is such a beautiful man and I love him so much. I feel so sad, but will pray that he will be held in loving care. Last night we both spoke of how we both felt we had been kept safe at key times we drank too much. He carried similar trauma to me and I am glad now he is in a loving relationship, for many years he was living out in the bush all alone with only his art. I feel the deepest connection with him. I love him with all my heart. Please, if there is a God, keep him safe I beg of you, and help me to contain this suffering which feels like just such a huge ocean of pain and powerlessness today.