I will not need too much : reflections on my fear of dependency

I don’t know when it was that I started to turn away from needing.  But I know it happened especially in late adolescence when I could not seem to be seen or heard.  I was listening to a programme on radio this morning I which survivors of childhood institutional abuse were speaking as today in Australia our Prime Minister is making a public apology to all such people affected.   The man speaking broke down crying when asked what it had meant to hear just such a public apology from the British Prime Minister, the man in question’s tears where because he had been heard, believed and recognised.  His soul suffering had been affirmed.

In no way have I suffered that kind of abuse.  I did have a roof over my head, my parents never gave me away, neither was I taken from them, but I struggled to be seen and heard a lot.  I was asking Kat today in therapy if a child who throws tantrums is a ‘bad’ child since a few years back my sister told me I should have been ashamed at how selfish I was as a child for ‘always throwing tantrums’.  I had tears in my eyes as I asked this.  Kat just smiled and told me it was about frustrated needs my parents could neither hear nor validate, and quoted a thing she always says to me.  “Anger is the final cry of the True Self.”

Today we were exploring in therapy how I sometimes wont allow others to need me too much and I most certainly won’t allow myself to need anyone else too much, due to the fact in the past such needs were so regularly disappointed that is was challenging and very risky for me to ever hope to have needs met again.

Sometimes also I don’t recognise my own needs either, such as resting when tired, having a break from something tough, trying harder and harder and harder when it would be easier to let go and better for me.  I am not alone as most addicts or those of us in recovery who suffered abuse or neglect also suffer in this way.  In early sobriety I was always told to beware of the HALT’s not to get too hungry, angry, lonely or tired.

I also think along the way I developed a fighting and defensive persona.   I have a great fear of being controlled but at the same time it would be better for me to surrender and co-operate at times rather than just bloody mindedly push on all alone and make others feel they have to do the same.   Its a side of myself I am seeing more and more lately.

Anyway its not easy taking all of this need on board but with Venus squaring my natal Moon Saturn Mars its timely.   I am trying to keep my heart open lately rather than have knee jerk reactions or go behind defences yet again.   It is a risk to be vulnerable, to show that I am not bullet proof and that I need others.  I see where at times barrelling through and not risking depending has been damaging and wrong and to see this means I feel the pain so I shed a lot of tears in therapy today.  However I am glad to see all of this.   Its a timely wake up call.  Today I have taken yet another risk with being vulnerable and its not easy but I just trust whatever happens will happen.  The fact that I took the risk is good, the outcome is not really all that important in the long run.  For as the Bahagavad Gita says “you have only control over your actions, not the fruit of your actions.”  Risking saying I do need and wish to depend is a big one for me, I may be disappointed in the end, but at least I have opened my heart and soul to try again.

Triggered by exercise, joy, power, happiness!

I wondered how many of you get triggered when you start to exercise?   If you were in fearful situations a lot as a child or if like me you suffered a few life threatening events where you pulse was raised, I have read that exercise can trigger panic as the body/mind registers the raising of the heart beat as fear.  This thought is also triggered by a response to a comment I read on another post about self harm where the commenter recommended the gym as a diversion from pain and anxiety.  The person replied about how the gym triggers them.  Ideally we feel our pain and don’t try to escape it but one of the long term impacts of paralysis, freeze or collapse which is such a big part of both Post Traumatic Stress and Complex PTS is that we don’t exercise or even move enough but get locked in self protective patterns which may include ingestion addictions to calm feelings.  That is okay if we turn to healthy food but if we turn instead to wheat or sugar laden snacks it can be a problem for some and as survivor of breast cancer I have had to watch that I don’t turn to those kind of snacks when my anxiety gets triggered in the now.

I was also prompted to write this post as Jasper and I just returned from a good long walk.  I then did some stretching at the bench in the field I sometime sit on to read my book mid walk.  When we drove home I felt such a surge of happiness, joy, power and wellbeing but as soon as I got inside to make a late lunch my thoughts started to race and I felt my heart beating fast and happiness turned to panic and fear.

I then though of all the times when I was attending AA that I was warned to not get too high or happy and when I share this with my therapist she is shocked.  I get triggered by happiness or assertive energy anyway because often as a young child in a much older family I was helpless at the power used over me not always in very nice ways, especially not by my older sister but the second one who used to pass off her own frustration about no one being home with us and having to care for me, onto me.   Also in later years when this sister was supposedly ‘manic’ (to a degree this was true but in some cases she was being pathologised) I began to feel a lot of fear.

Anyway today I was glad to be able to make the association to the way I was feeling.  I know that often my anxiety is manifesting without me consciously registering it as anxiety.  I just have all these strange flooding or drowning sensations in my body and I don’t always recognise feelings as such, at first they appear as somatised body symptoms.  When I spoke to my Mum this morning she was expressing something very similar.  I thought it might be good feedback for a post.  Last week with Kat in therapy I was sharing how I felt my feelings about past mistreatment as a few wild horses in my breast champing at the bit to get out.  My teeth were aching where my denture attached to that two top back teeth and that reminded me of being in bridle head gear every night for over a year when I was 16 and had braces.  I am SO ANGRY I had to go through that :  it was fucking torture for a highly sensitive person and I just had to grin and bear it and swallow it down.

There are some of the things I need to externalise and share here, when I share them at 12 step meetings people get triggered and get in trouble for saying how it really was, which also makes me angry.  But if I don’t speak about it I will get sick and my cancer may even return.

Strong feelings

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Just some thoughts after reading about someone’s deep emotional pain as a response to overwhelming abuse.

Strong feelings don’t mean you are crazy.

Strong feelings don’t mean you are out of control.

Strong feelings result from intense experiences which overwhelmed you and which your soul intuitively rebelled against.

Strong feelings don’t make you ‘bad’.

Strong feelings are an indication that you may be getting very close to painful or intense realities or abuse that you endured.

Expect that when you have strong feelings that there are those out there who may not understand, who may try to invalidate you or shut you down, you don’t have to like it, and its likely it will anger you as well.

From my own experience strong feelings come out of a passionate response.  Often those who have them are judged or misunderstood.  A chiropractor who I sometimes see to help with my own intense body symptoms told me recently how what I choose to call ‘terminal coolness’ is a sad sort of social standard these days.  To be judged as ‘cool’ your responses need to be tempered and laid back but what is more likely is that you are just emotionally shut down.

Unfortunately shame is still very pervasive in our society.  Its used to keep people in line, to judge them and label them and put them in boxes.  It helps to bolster the egos of those who lay claim to the moral high ground and may rain down platitudes on your head that make no sense.

I personally now believe in trusting my strong feelings. There was a time when I really needed to act them out and they were super intense due to a lifetime of being mocked, judged, invalidated and stuffed down deep inside.  Over time my strong feelings have become less intense but I still say a silent ‘yes’ and feel an inner leap of joy when I see or hear someone express strong feelings that come deep out of their emotional core, for that person is then well on their way to healing, they have begun to be able to acknowledge painful emotional truths and their freedom and right to self expression has no longer been stolen.  The right to protest is so often taken from us in abuse. And to heal it needs to be validated and valued.

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Over taken : reflections on feeling powerless

I had a very intense experience today.  It made clear a really deep theme and imprint in my life and for the first time I really felt free to connect with the deep rage and grief at the bottom of it.  Being a fairly sensitive person who is open, I open myself up, it doesn’t always serve me well and there are times when I need to be more protective of boundaries.  I have had several experience since I have lived in my cottage of gardeners coming and doing thing to plants or trees in my garden that I didn’t ask for and the other problem was I trusted they were going to do what I had asked or wanted and got distracted or wasn’t there to oversea.  It happened to me again today. I had an arborist in to take out some small trees at the back of the garage that were interfering with power lines and then I asked the person to prune my plum tree.

I had a call with a friend and then when I went out the arborist had pruned away a significant part of another tree that I had not asked him to touch.  I had a stunned moment and when he asked if everything was okay I just went kind of numb and speechless.    I felt this slam to the gut like I had been violated.

At the time this was going on another voice inside me was telling me not to over-react, that it was just a tree and the limbs would grow back but they had been sawed off and were all torn away leaving a huge ugly space in a place where there was formely a protective canopy and may I re-iterate.  I didn’t ask for this to happen”.  It took about an hour after the arborist left for the full impact of what just happened to hit home.  I got so, so angry and was in the shower screaming out “I never asked you to cut into that tree”.  After my shower I was doubled over in grief and my inner child was just crying and crying and so angry with adult me.  Why didn’t you protect me? she was screaming and adult me was crying.

What was also going on was just this feeling of being back inside the car all smashed up with bits of the engine cutting into my legs and lacerations to my mouth, not able to breath with my lung collapsed.  I was crying over how powerless I felt, how I could not stop so many bad things happening to me that were outside of my control going way, way back to my childhood : when I would be tickled in an abusive way or given enemas when really I had a stomach ache from loneliness or after a fight with my Mum, of being alone after school and having serious accidents with no one there to help or protect me.

All of this just hit me in the deepest, deepest way which is so difficult to really express in blog space.  Anyway I stayed with little Debs and comforted her.  I listened deeply to all of her pain and anger.  I told her how sorry I was she had had to go through these things from the past.  I helped in the best way to say how sorry I was that a mistake had been made that I didn’t intend and that next time I will be more aware but I also reminded her that her pain over the tree was really about a lot of other incidents of feeling powerless.  There was a lot of very deep grief and pain there going way, way back.  I then asked her what I could do to make her feel better knowing that I could not take the pain of the past away.  What she wanted was a quiet lunch and a trip to the library and not to have to take Jasper to the park today because adult me was too tired.  We also needed to cancel some other plans just to be able to ‘be’.

Its hard to explain but what happened today with the trees was not a small thing for me.  It was a deeply significant thing with roots reaching far back.  I am always anxious to allow gardeners into my garden as so many times I have had a similar thing happen.  I now have a very part time gardener who never does anything I don’t ask because he respects my boundaries he just wasn’t equipped to remove my trees and prune them.  What the arborist did today wasn’t right.  He thought he was doing the right thing so my anger has passed now, but never the less it was extremely important for me to feel it and express it to myself today.

I had a panic attack just after the arborist left and the panic attack only ended after I really listened to my inner child and did what I needed to do today which was just take care of me.   This latest incident with Venus retrograde square to Saturn shows me where a lot of my wounds to boundaries have happened.  Trees are very, very important to my soul.  They provide me with shelter and healing, to have one just cut about when I didn’t ask for it really does affect me. Others may think I am being too precious or sensitive but deep down I know I am not.  I know my body connects to these kind of things and so does my soul.  If my soul is hurting so am I and I wont find peace until I really turn within and trust what I feel even if its anger and realise the associations.  All feelings have messages for me about my past.

Tonight I have been panic attack free for about the first time in a few weeks. I am so grateful that I could really listen to myself today.  The torn tree wont go away and it will still hurt a bit to look at it, but I don’t feel angry tonight, only a bit disappointed but at the same time happy and at peace, because today I really listened to me and took my feelings seriously.

Finding your voice : Singing your song

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Last night I watched an interview on our national indigenous channel here in Australia NITV between aboriginal journalist, Stan Grant and former lead singer of the Australian band Midnight Oil, Peter Garrett.  For those of you who may not be aware of their music Midnight Oil did much to champion the land rights of aboriginal people at a critical time in Australia when aboriginal people were seeking this recognition.  Their music resonated deeply with me in the years 1980 to 1990. They had a strong voice that spoke up for many issues dear to my own heart, most particularly aboriginal land rights as well as concern over American involvement in Australia through use of the site Maralinga for nuclear testing.

One thing that Peter said during the interview spoke to me very deeply.

We are all born to dance, to tell our stories and to sing!

But what happens when our song is squashed or we learn to fear our own voice or don’t trust it?  It seems to me a large part of healing if we suffered repression or lost trust in our intrinsic selves rests in finding our own voice and singing our own song.

There is a strong pressure for conformity within our collective world.  As children we are conditioned by a number of sources.  Some of us buckle under to this conditioning, some of us go along willingly and others rebel and move outside the mainstream in an attempt to find their voice, perhaps looking to others for guidance.  Others just push on trusting themselves.

The best guidance I believe can come from those around you who encourage you to find your own voice, sing your own song, tell your own story and dance to the rhythm that moves you from deep within.

Pete Garrett is a very tall guy.  On stage he had a unique style and presence and moved about the stage energetically using jerky and some would say spasmodic movements.  He spoke about what happened for him on stage, how he learned to just let his body take over and move to the unique rhythm of the songs The Oils composed.  I found this inspiring.

As a tall person I was often shamed for being tall.  The boys used to tease me and call me names like ‘Federal’ meaning matchstick legs.  It was hard to get clothes to fit and shoes either.  It was only when I finally visited my father’s home in the Netherlands in my early 20s that I felt like I belonged being tall.

Over time and after my car accident I learned to stoop.  I went through very painful orthodontic treatment having four teeth removed, braces for just under two years and had to wear a horrible headbrace contraption to bed each night supposedly designed to pull the teeth back.  What it did was leave me with an aching jaw.  Lately I at night I get into bed and my head is screaming out in pain. It feels all twisted around the wrong way. I know this is also due to the traumatic imprint of crashing on my bike 11 years ago in the UK.  slowly, oh so slowly, I am unwinding from this trauma. I wake up with blood over the sheets and on the tissues I have to keep near.

Thinking about Pete Garrett led me to wonder what may have happened had I not been so bent out of shape by my conditioning.  It all happened to my body and the backlash was that within months of the braces coming off in 1979 I had a massive motor car crash which landed me in hospital for 101 days in skeletal traction and I lost my front teeth.

I was a young woman bent out of shape.  I need to bear this in mind because I woke up with the Inner Critic giving me a bit of a hammering today.  It was telling me I should have been a lot more independent and further along by now.  But when I look to the trauma I carried that is not really possible.   I am doing my best.  I needed so much support following that crash, support that was denied me when even more trauma hit my family.  I do wish I could have moved away sooner from the destructive influence but it has taken some time to wake up.

Blogging has given me a voice, finally.  At times it a bit of a tortured one, but that is a symptom of the traumas I have known.

I draw great encouragement from Pete Garrett’s words and also from the biography of Sting, lead singer of the Police, Broken Music that I am currently reading.

Sting speaks of how when he first began to sing lead in his earliest bands he found a source of power within him.  His own traumas from childhood stemmed more from the deception and betrayal he witnessed as a young boy when he discovered his mother in the midst of an affair in the middle of the day, an affair that went on for years and he kept pretending he did not know about.  His father was broken by it.

Music for him provided an outlet, something outside the mess of his parent’s marriage that was just for him.  He still carried his trauma but being able to have a form of music expression as well as learning about who he was, how he was formed by early experiences and how they impacted on him in his later life helped him in some way. He still suffered but he was, through his art, able to make sense of that suffering.  Reading his biography has made sense to me of many of his songs most particularly the one’s he wrote in the midst of therapy in the 1980s.

It seems so essential that we are able to in some way give a voice to who we are and what we go through.  It is the witness within us which can help us in this process. That part of us that watches and waits and gives a voice to the deeper experiences we go through.  That is a gift of supreme value.

Along the way out there are those who can inspire us.  Those who have had the courage to brave the critics and find their own voice, tell their own truth, blow the whistle on other lies, deceptions and evasions and be honest no matter what the price.  These too are gifts of great value.   We have to keep owning our power to tell our own story and be our own champion and through this process keep working to birth wisdom, insight, healing and compassion.

Here I stand

Here I stand

Naked of any desire

Tired out by the search

Returning to my root

Don’t tell me I need to branch out

When I live by going deeper

When I know each cut has forced me

To go further within

Its double abuse

To neglect me

And then tell me I should be doing better

How you wish I was someone else

Fuck off

I don’t need it

I am where I am

Because of what I went through

Now you wax eloquent on how cared for you are

Where the fuck were you when I needed you

Oh that’s right

Its no good to need

Bury it?

No!

Here I stand

I am me

I wear these scars

And I am strong

I have born those slings and arrows

I wont bear the victim stance

But the heroic one

Which may come with no recognition

Apart from that of those

Who also survived this war

And lived to tell the tale

Scatter your bullshit to the wind

Let it blow far, far away from me

Don’t ever recognise what you did

Hold onto your mythology instead

But leave me alone

Here I stand

I am me

Those cuts and losses were real

And if I scream

There is a reason

It is a protest

And must be allowed to be set free

So a deeper reality

Can be known

Apart from this

My way leads me

Deep within

To the heart of the presence

To the centre of the wound

Where all can be known

I don’t belong

In your deadly world of shades

Full of ghosts that don’t speak

But just haunt vacant spaces

I have lost touch with your ground

And I cannot live without air either

Let me walk on earth

Where I belong

As someone real

Embodied

No longer haunted

By the ghosts of silence and repression

Yes, I am alive

I have a voice

And here I stand

Just because you are numb : a response to ‘if depression were a choice’

My ex partner who was narcissistic was a fan of the Pink Floyd song “I have become comfortably numb.”  That should have been a red flag for some of the emotional invalidation abuse that went down in the course of our relationship where I was a demon for actually feeling my feelings.  He seemed to think that emotions were a major inconvenience to just ‘getting on with life’.   I have been thinking about this since my beautiful friend Summer wrote a blog in response to helping a friend who is feeling extremely suicidal.  The post is entitled “if depression were a choice” and was written in response to someone saying that she or he should just choose not to be depressed and get over it.

Summer called for other bloggers to share their own take on why they know through harsh experience that depression is most definitely not a choice : none of us choose to feel bad. Those of us who suffer depression have been through things those who say such things as “just get over” it after we have watched loved ones die from terrible diseases or commit or try to commit suicide, get dumped, betrayed or abused by someone we gave entire heart and soul to will never in a million years understand.

Thinking about it overnight this thought came to me :  If depression were a choice then emotions and emotional realities are not real.  We should have no reaction to loss such as sadness, anger, disappointment and pain at all.  We should just be able to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and get on with it after incredibly painful and distressing thing have happened to us.

Those of us recovering or trying to recover from depression know it contains within it a whole host of other feelings all jumbled together in a painful mix such as sadness, anger, disappointment, grief, despair, helplessness and fear just to name a few.  We also know it is a very real and valid reaction to abuse, loss, betrayal, abandonment, violation and pain.  Saying we should just get over it invalidates these feelings and truths and at the same time gives truth to the lie that we are also deficient in some way to those of you out there who are able to be happy because you have gone through less in the way of loss, burdens, trials or abuse.

To say we should “just get over it” is actually emotional abuse people.  When you say that to us you invalidate our reality and you imply our emotions and emotional reality or truth and way of being is in some way is inferior or distorted or wrong.  For many of us this is exactly what we have been told growing up and still get told while struggling with very real emotions and feelings we need support with and validation of.

I personally feel very angry just writing that last sentence. I personally also know I would have recovered from my own depression more easily if others could have provided support for me and validated my feelings of loss and pain.  I witnessed my own sister try to take her life when I was 20, that came after two years of loss that involved a major motor vehicle accident which nearly shredded my body to pieces, my sister’s cerebral bleed and then her own betrayal and abandonment.  I then watched my father die of cancer and was left with no emotional support as my partner told me he no longer loved me.   Later in life I have gone through abandonments and emotional abuse and in the end depression was very real reaction to all of that pain.

Many of us with depression are brave.  We do choose to get up and get on on some of the days which are really hard, but we also need to take care of ourselves and rest on the really tough days.  We get beaten up enough inside our heads by those voices telling us there is something wrong with us for feeling and responding as we do.  Its the very last thing we need to hear from anyone outside.  In the end the “just get over it” comments come from ignorance.  And from the lie which mankind is still in its numbness choosing to sanctify.

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If depression were a choice then we would have no soul that suffers, no soul that through depression and the dark night of the soul becomes educated to far deeper darker realities than those of you in your sanctimonious prison houses of numbness and superiority and emotional blindness inhabit.

But there is one choice we do have and that is how we choose to treat ourselves in the midst of depression, we can show either mercy or judgement.  Only one of those choices comes from love.  So which will we and you choose?

Keep people out of ‘boxes’.

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I wrote this post last week.  I wasn’t sure whether to post it, at the time I found it painful and sad to know how people who suffer can suffer more from others lack of empathy and misunderstanding.  Half of the way into it a few of my own grievances and frustrations come out.  Its a little all over the place but I am going to post it today as it says something I need to say and feel strongly about.

A post was posted last week on another WordPress site I won’t name that evoked upset and most particularly from me.  It’s not often I speak my mind in a strong or angry fashion as comments on someone else’s blog but this one post really got my back up.  The blogger just said in reply to my comment “You were very blunt with me.”  This is how I am when I feel strongly.  The post was titled “Is Barron Trump autistic?” It outlined certain things he was doing which seemed to speak to me a little kid trapped in a network of adults driven by their own agenda, for example him on stage with Donald Trump at 3 am in the morning with a “strange look” on his face, biting his lip and with his eyes looking like they were going backwards in his head. WTF people the kid was tired!   There were other things sited in the speculation which were quite frankly ridiculous.

It really angered me because I am sick to death of the way we label people with conditions in the public who are not acting in ways a so called ‘normal’ person would.   I know there is a spectrum of autism and am sure many of us may be on it somewhere.  But what annoyed me most and what I questioned was this.  What is the person’s agenda for trying to point this out?  Does it make them feel better if they can put someone in a neat little box with a label on the outside?  Does it make then feel superior and distanced from something that challenges their sense of order and control?  Does it distance them from the so called sufferer and make them feel better?   And bigger questions to my mind are How is labelling actually in some way a failure to show necessary concern, deeper questioning or empathy?

Empathy means trying to step into another person’s shoes, to find some kind of resonance of or with a feeling and an emotionally engaged understanding of and with what they may be going through most especially in the case where their behaviour is threatening or scary to us in some way.  Case in point.  Today here in Australia there was a segment on Radio National about the alarming statistics for self harm for girls in our country.  Apparently the statistic is that now 1 in 4 girls between 12 and 20 or so are engaging in self harm.  What was being investigated was also why, when they actually go through some kind of treatment or contact with the mental health care system in this country statistics of self harm for girls actually get worse?

The bottom line was that young girls who self harm are often met with derision, disgust or lack of empathy.  The medical team may refuse them an anaesthetic when they mend their cuts.  They may actually in some cases have been sprayed with pepper spray.   The woman speaking today was saying how often little empathy is shown towards what underlies the girl’s problematic behaviour due to the fact that others lack the ability to fully understand or care for the deep pain behind the self harm. Many of these girls have gone through real trauma, their cutting is the only way the have to express deep emotional hurt.  Others may find the behaviour so scary and threatening so they erect defences and feel justified in punishing the ‘out of control’ victim.  In the thrall of this kind of  reaction they can act in a way to punish the person who is already suffering and make them suffer even more.

I had to turn the ending of the programme out to get in the sunshine today, but it stayed with me throughout the day.  The following expression came to me   ‘the cut they given themselves to deal with the emotional cuts they have received and cannot express in any other way.’  Its not fun to be bleeding so much inside.  Its not fun to struggle with deeply painful feelings of despair and frustration that are difficult to express.  Its not fun to be judged and misunderstood when this behaviour leads to other behaviour which just results in more pain.

Today I have been in a lot of pain myself. Its been a really dark day today, my body has been hurting a lot, painful feelings from the past have been coming up.  I have had no contact with anyone in my family at all.  Yesterday my mother was put into hospital. I couldn’t visit yesterday as I was so tired.  Today I have tried to call her four times and no one is picking up.  My sister came home yesterday and I had hoped I might have heard from her today since she was with Mum at the hospital yesterday evening.   I had spent the past three days being there for my Mum, taking her food, making her cups of tea, getting her medication, calling her on the phone, thinking of other things I could give her or do.  Now my other sister is home, no contact at all. I am actually really, really, really, really, really angry today.  Incidents from the past where they have sidelined me and hurt me are coming up.  Part of me just wants to get so far away.  And when I hear a programme about self harm and suicidal ideation I can really, really relate.  Over the past two days I have been feeling suicidal again.

I know there is a lot going on for me at the moment. I am feeling very much alone. People I thought may care and I have cared about don’t seem to have the sensitivity to see that I may actually need some support.  A guy I had been helping the fellowship for some weeks I actually told about how distressed I was at present.  Yesterday he was sending me more texts about difficulties with his ex wife and I got to feeling really miffed and pissed off toward the end of yesterday.  Where is the consideration for my feelings and what I go through?  Bottom line, it just isn’t out there in my everyday world.  Its really only on here that I have found people who seem to really care.

I am fed up to the back teeth with others problems.  This may sound like a whinge but its from the heart.  I am sick to death of being the one who patiently cares and listens only to be forgotten.  Then I need to examine my real motives.  Have I been caring in the hopes if I do others will do the same?  I am not sure.  I just know at times I seem to care too fucking much and it fucking hurts when the kind of care doesn’t come back.  I can fully understand too the frustration that would lead someone to feel self harm was a last resort.

I fully loathe the practice of others labelling certain behaviours as illnesses or defects or deficiencies when they are real responses to pain, frustration and not getting needs met.  It makes me angry.  And if I don’t want my body to hurt I most definitely need to find ways and means to express those feelings in a more effective way.

The Barron Trump post got taken down in the end.  The person who wrote it admitted they were out of line.  They admitted that they have been pulled up in the past by others for putting labels on things.  The right to protest what we see and feel to be unfair is a basic human right.  And often its what we need to do to set things right inside ourselves, for the price of our silence or acquiescence may be too high a price to pay.