My tears speak

There are things I cannot say

I cannot find the words

But in this dusky silence

My tears speak

My body hurts sometimes

With the pressure you placed on me

I also honestly struggle

With so many deep feelings of fear

And thoughts of mistrust

And inadequacy

Maybe it was my incapacity to trust

That led us to this

Terrible precipice

And lately perhaps I am not

So sure

If I really know

How to be happy

It was not my fault

Carrying all of this buried grief

That blocked me for so long

From living an easy

Open hearted life

But I truly do not want to go on this way

You both say the other is lying

All it does is make me feel crazy

Listen

I am sick to the death of crying

Why couldn’t I have waited

Until I stood on more solid internal ground

Before I started reaching for love?

I see now that I jumped the gun

But was it wrong for my heart to long

Only now to find that over these past years

I have grown

Stronger

And deep inside I do trust

That I am adequate

And that I truly do know

How to cope

And to live my life

Even standing alone

Having the power to blossom

And make my peace

With all of these complex problems

And restless

Ghosts

The wild sea

The wild sea

Is dreaming and breathing

And mirroring the sky

Its surface changes all of the time

With wind and rain and storms

Reflecting clouds and light and stars

The wild sea brings me peace

Even when it is restless

It reminds me of how the Holy Spirit moves

Through water and all of nature

And how we can never exist apart from the dreaming

Of God

Even when we lose our way

Our restless hearts still silently beat

Marking time with the rhythms

This wild ocean creates in our souls

As we hunger for its benediction

On those nights and days

We lose our way

Falling out of rhythm

For a time

With the breath of God

our magnificence

We should trust and believe

We are Godly creations

Not destined for insignificance or misery

But containing hearts and souls

Within which are written

A thousand untold mysteries

There is a place within where we can recognize

Our truer nature

As sunlight sparkling on water

No longer just a black moon

Drowning out the radiance

Of our inner Sun

There are lies we get told

When the world tries to carve us into

Narrow objects of wood

When the forces that be

Do not allow us to breathe

But there is an inward turning

That is summoned up by pain

That if we will truly hear and follow it

Will help us to reclaim

Those truths

Far too long ago forgotten

Or forsaken

Allow being to birth

Your inner joy

Do not continue to numb your vibrancy for anyone

For you are a being

Divinely fashioned

Both magical

And magnificent

And even when your glistening Sun

Falls back into that dark ocean

Of suffering

Somewhere deep inside of you

That majestic fire

Still remains

True to creation’s flame

Breathe your love and healing over it

Allow it to rise and live again.

A chink of sunlight : witness to the tide

Dawn 2

A chink opened up this morning Between gunmetal gray clouds Shining a ray of sunlight down Upon me Here safe in my little home

I awake slowly Coiling and uncoiling Unravelling

I rise slowly after some hour or so To memories of what you and Mum did give me Dad Over those 3 months in hospital Pinned to the bed You came with food and a little bottle of wine every night I needed a hug though

There was so much unsaid So much that fell through the empty spaces Left by no words

I am freed from that prison after 101 days But less than 3 months later Judy is struck down With a bleed in her head Then psychosis came And so much worry for you

I forget the high seas you were riding How as a man you had to lock it all inside and tell no one much but Mum Your stomach bore the tension but it ate you up And we lost you only a few years later So much loss An ocean to cross

Oh my How close I came to drowning And yet I fell full fathom five and am now slowly resurfacing It has been an ocean storm I have had to learn to breathe through A massive tidal swell that carried and beached me here Long years later

But I feel now with that chink of sun so quickly gone An intimation that very soon I will have Emerged From this dark night Victorious

And yet the grief will always remain Deep in my soul For it occured to me today I was born to be A witness to the tide

I must bear this

I must bear this

I know I must

I know I can

Even if there is a God

And her plan is to let you drop

So very far

There must surely be a force of love working

Even as it reveals its absence

Inside the emptiness of your eyes

And there is a longing too

I just do not really know

What to do with it

So I must just bear witness

For as long as I can

And then not prevent myself

From standing

What help will it give me

If I remain here paralysed with you?

And yet my heart and mind is restless

Even judging that

Who knows what will happen now?

My love I do not have a clue

Surrender must surely be the only possible way of things

As your body and soul

Lie frozen stiff in the eternal snow

Of self abnegation

And so I remain here

Loyal to the silence

Lifting my heart in prayer

For I dare not even say

Which way the tide will flow

Perhaps only the Universe

Truly knows

Reality?

Here within this reality I feel squeezed

I also feel unreal

As though parts of myself have splintered

And fallen away

Deep into the void

There are no words that we can say

To reach the truth of everything

And may be this is why

When we are together

My chattering runs away

Like a skittled horse

That lost its rider

When a bolt of lighting

Pierced the air

In a storm

Have our two worlds shifted very far away

Each revolving on its separate axis?

Truth falls into silence

As anger rises

At all the things it is so useless

To feel anger for

Life is life

So why does it so often feel like a double edged knife

That cuts me away

Every day

Returning home I thank the Gods for silence

As a strong wind blows

I never fitted into the human world

And I am so done with trying

All I do anyway

Is lie to myself

When I try

And God knows how much our soul requires

Honesty

So let me be

Set me free from trying any more

Because the harder I try

The more I die

And it frightened me to hear myself

Say the words to you today

Maybe it would have been better

For everyone

(including myself)

If I had never been born

If you could see you

If you could see you

As God sees you

You would see that you are perfect

Even when you are

A perfect mess

But this perfection does not rest

On meeting any ideal

Or even jumping through all of the hoops

The chronically dissatisfied set

For you are the custodian of your life

Do you ever think for a moment

God would have made a mistake

When he and all of the angels

Conceived of your particular design?

And exactly why is it that

Collective culture

Seeks to define us

Or shatter rather than encourage our uniqueness?

Find your freedom from this

It does not meant you must be unkind

Only that you be as true as you can

To that voice that lives deep inside

The heart of you

And try to remember

When illusion clouds your vision

As it so often will with fear and doubt

That everything is really working out fine

All in harmony with some grand unseen

Profoundly wise and mystical design

Even moreso when we seek to align

Our true self with God’s vision of our

Innate unfolding perfection.

Love is waiting

Love is waiting for us

Just on the other side of despair

Love reminds us when we feel

The breath of cool air

Flowing through our hair

Of a million sunrises

That speak of hope

An opening to limitless joy

In places were before we could only sense

The deepest lingering of sadness

For all of the pain

All the things gone by we cannot ever change

Trust your heart

In the midst of this new unfolding

There is more wisdom to be revealed

And invisible presences of love drawing

Near

They need your loving presence too

Please believe

Freedom lies on the other side

Of all that is passing away

Now

So open to everything

As you surrender

Letting yourself go

Into this

New becoming

Ghost and a shadow

You will forever be for me

A ghost or a shadow

Hovering by

Always remembered

But never near enough to touch

The longing and memory of you

Will be with me every day

Even though sometimes

Much of the time

These longings and memoies

Will fall into forgetting

Like a heavy stone

That falls into a stream

There may always live inside of me

This ache

At times my heart will break

Open with the sadness

Of all you lacked the capacity to give

And today I realised

That for my heart

There may never be

An absolute healing

But never the less

Day by day I try my very very best

To make my peace

With all of this.

Related :

Where has your spirit gone? – Emerging From The Dark Night (wordpress.com)

Pain is a traveller

This poem is prompted by a comment I saw on a blog recently and the title is the comment.

Pain is a traveller

It flows through the spaces of our being

Left vacant by wanting

It pulls on the tendrils of our heart

That lie all entangled

Tying us up in knots

We hold our breath

As pain reminds us of a past that is gone

While waking us up to what it is

We most need and long for now

Opening to the breath

And all of the deep feeling

The tendrils of our heart

And very being uncoil

As we fall into the truth

That the essence of our soul

Is love