You carried (all you bore in silence)

You carried a huge burden

I am so sorry that my wounding

Blinded me to this before

It was your anger I felt sadly

Landing upon me like a brand

From a hot poker held for a long time captive inside

A burning furnace

And when your lance landed on me

With that terrible frisson

The pain was

So very far

From personal

I see that now

If you are now

The incacerated one

The ‘identified patient’

What role did I play?

Now that pain has made me see and feel it all more deeply

I always recall that healing dream

You and I alone

Walking the length of that stormy windswept beach

Our father loved

Seeing the beached whale

You turning toward me with eyes like oceans

Full to the brim with tears

Saying the words

‘The whales are such sad creatures’

To know now how they shocked and medicated you

Makes it seem

The most horrendous aberration

I had to walk away

But there is never a day

I do not hold the awareness of it all

So deep inside of my heart

And that is why

I always pray for you

That one day you will come to know

The deeper truth

Of all you bore in silence

For the collective

We do not talk about it

All around me as a child

This swirling ocean of buried feelings

No where to turn to find a face

To mirror me or help me find a solid place

To stand

And so I lost my way

And found myself drowning

At times I still do

You talked today of the heavy price you paid

In trying to be good

You lost yourself

And you lost your own way

To live in peace inside the cavern of your heart

And body

Then it is the mind runs riot

Because we can find no way to understand

And all we learn to do then

Is stay silent

Or use a thousand reasons why

Its hard to relate to others

A hundred other ways too

To distract ourselves

Or even make any attempt try

To do this difficult job

Of being human

Today I will not loose my voice

But I will not shout either

Most important is that I hear

My own buried truth

For far too often I allowed yours

To drown me out

And these days

I cannot allow that to happen to me

Anymore

Deep connection

Deep connection

Makes me cry sometimes

Brings tears to my eyes

As my heart expands

Experiencing us swimming together

In an ocean of oneness

When the walls break down

You and I are to be found

Frantically trying to breathe

Open your heart to mine

We are never that far apart

And its only the prison of the mind

Of past hurts and sorrows

Keeping us bound up

In fear

Take the risk to draw near

Seek the equal ground

This my darling is where

The fertile wellspring

Of unconditional love

Is to be found

Held by nature

I go to nature

She seems to know me

Within her embrace

I feel my soul

Held safe

Within her soothing rhythms

Nature is the place

I free my heart from pain

If only for a while

Through the aliveness of breath and movement

I taste for a while

The sheer and vibrant joy

Of being awake and alive

Shedding my stories

For a while

Pain and grief still sometime rises

Like an irrefusable tide

As I bathe my soul awhile in their healing

And your nature poems m

Move me to love

With their gritty sinuous taste

Of nature

Resplendent with vibrancy and meaning

And for these precious sacred moments

I taste a while

The delicious flavour

Of a morsel of ecstacy

just a child

You were just a child

Wild and wide eyed

Full of life

Descending into a world

That seemed so hostile at times

To your particular sense

Of ‘truth’

So it was you learned to bury it

Somewhere deep inside

But as you did every fiber of your being ached

For the lost path to wholeness

Now it seems to you

Everywhere you go

You find light, wisdom

Cosmic rainbows

Talking to the birds

Feeling deep within your soul

You abiding kinship with all living

Beings

You finally see the wisdom of his teachings

Here we are

Gifted and blessed to live

So very close

To heaven on earth

Yet so often

Consigning ourselves

Through our own ignorance

And blindness to hellish places

Of fear

And separation

But now you know the truth

No living power on earth can

Permanently separate you from love

So put down your sword for a while

And allow yourself to dance

By the healing spring

Touch base as often as you can

With rainbows

Moonbeams

Sunlight

Shadows

Rainfall

The soothing, healing of

Deep leafy green

and bird song

Guard your treasure

Believe in yourself

In your good heart

Know that not everyone is kind

And that there are forces of anti life

That live buried deep inside

Those who fear

The truth and unmasking power

Of love

There are times life may make you feel

So alone

But the truth is

It is your soul that most longs for you

To love and to care

There is a saying that we who are the lightseeds

Must learn to be

As cunning as serpents

And as wise as doves

And yet another

Not to cast

Our pearls of hard won wisdom

Before ‘swine’

Which may sound arrogant

But not to those

Whose own unique brand of suffering

Has revealed to them a wiser deeper truth

Of the precious consciousness

They are presently seeking to seed

Upon this planet

Where so many often lose the way

And fall

Deep inside their aching souls

Into hells of bitterness

Suffering

Separation

Unearned shame

And darkness

My tears speak

There are things I cannot say

I cannot find the words

But in this dusky silence

My tears speak

My body hurts sometimes

With the pressure you placed on me

I also honestly struggle

With so many deep feelings of fear

And thoughts of mistrust

And inadequacy

Maybe it was my incapacity to trust

That led us to this

Terrible precipice

And lately perhaps I am not

So sure

If I really know

How to be happy

It was not my fault

Carrying all of this buried grief

That blocked me for so long

From living an easy

Open hearted life

But I truly do not want to go on this way

You both say the other is lying

All it does is make me feel crazy

Listen

I am sick to the death of crying

Why couldn’t I have waited

Until I stood on more solid internal ground

Before I started reaching for love?

I see now that I jumped the gun

But was it wrong for my heart to long

Only now to find that over these past years

I have grown

Stronger

And deep inside I do trust

That I am adequate

And that I truly do know

How to cope

And to live my life

Even standing alone

Having the power to blossom

And make my peace

With all of these complex problems

And restless

Ghosts

The wild sea

The wild sea

Is dreaming and breathing

And mirroring the sky

Its surface changes all of the time

With wind and rain and storms

Reflecting clouds and light and stars

The wild sea brings me peace

Even when it is restless

It reminds me of how the Holy Spirit moves

Through water and all of nature

And how we can never exist apart from the dreaming

Of God

Even when we lose our way

Our restless hearts still silently beat

Marking time with the rhythms

This wild ocean creates in our souls

As we hunger for its benediction

On those nights and days

We lose our way

Falling out of rhythm

For a time

With the breath of God

our magnificence

We should trust and believe

We are Godly creations

Not destined for insignificance or misery

But containing hearts and souls

Within which are written

A thousand untold mysteries

There is a place within where we can recognize

Our truer nature

As sunlight sparkling on water

No longer just a black moon

Drowning out the radiance

Of our inner Sun

There are lies we get told

When the world tries to carve us into

Narrow objects of wood

When the forces that be

Do not allow us to breathe

But there is an inward turning

That is summoned up by pain

That if we will truly hear and follow it

Will help us to reclaim

Those truths

Far too long ago forgotten

Or forsaken

Allow being to birth

Your inner joy

Do not continue to numb your vibrancy for anyone

For you are a being

Divinely fashioned

Both magical

And magnificent

And even when your glistening Sun

Falls back into that dark ocean

Of suffering

Somewhere deep inside of you

That majestic fire

Still remains

True to creation’s flame

Breathe your love and healing over it

Allow it to rise and live again.

A chink of sunlight : witness to the tide

Dawn 2

A chink opened up this morning Between gunmetal gray clouds Shining a ray of sunlight down Upon me Here safe in my little home

I awake slowly Coiling and uncoiling Unravelling

I rise slowly after some hour or so To memories of what you and Mum did give me Dad Over those 3 months in hospital Pinned to the bed You came with food and a little bottle of wine every night I needed a hug though

There was so much unsaid So much that fell through the empty spaces Left by no words

I am freed from that prison after 101 days But less than 3 months later Judy is struck down With a bleed in her head Then psychosis came And so much worry for you

I forget the high seas you were riding How as a man you had to lock it all inside and tell no one much but Mum Your stomach bore the tension but it ate you up And we lost you only a few years later So much loss An ocean to cross

Oh my How close I came to drowning And yet I fell full fathom five and am now slowly resurfacing It has been an ocean storm I have had to learn to breathe through A massive tidal swell that carried and beached me here Long years later

But I feel now with that chink of sun so quickly gone An intimation that very soon I will have Emerged From this dark night Victorious

And yet the grief will always remain Deep in my soul For it occured to me today I was born to be A witness to the tide