I will carry this

Grace

I will carry this deep pain

But I will carry it lightly

When I think of the vast span of experiences and memories we shared

Its impossible to fully express

The extent of it

But I will carry it forever in my heart

I will carry the painful times when we had conflict

When I needed something from you

But could not find words

When I needed something from you and you gave

When I needed something more from you and you failed

We are only human

I will carry the memory of

All the times you offered your support

Of all I put you through as a mother

It was a lot and you had no partner

Mum you carried a lot I see that now

But so did I

Both struggling to love and do our best

You had your very real limitations and defences

But you also had a giving heart

I will carry the knowing of the loneliness you felt at times

In an estranged family

An estrangement that in trying to heal

Bought us a little undone

I will carry those final memories of you in so much pain

Trying to stand or get away

From your earthly shackles

As you heard the ancestors

Calling you home

I will carry the memory of you yesterday

Labouring to breathe

And to let go

I will carry the memory of the shell of your body

Left behind after your spirit flew away

To those you loved

And most of all

I will carry always in my heart

The memory of beautiful times we shared

When our souls met and recognised each other

And we found a hidden grace beyond words

All in the past : a prayer

Flying with Birds

Dear Higher Power and Higher Larger Self, you see all and know all of me.  You know all of my past pain, you know my body remembers, you know what a torment past pain can be.  Help me remember that today is today.  It is a new day.  I do not have to carry that past pain with me all the time.  Surely there has been so much that has happened to us all that would cause us to break down weeping and never get up, but surely all of that is now in the past.  Please I would love a life that is free, one in which I could be lighter, one in which suffering would not endlessly weigh me down.   Please help me today to celebrate what is good and healthy and beneficial and hopeful in this day.  Help me to open and keep reaching out and to keep love in my heart.  Let me be soft with old pain but dont let it hold onto me for too long.  Today Higher Power set me free to live and learn and love again.

The truth : rupi kaur

The following is just one stanza from a longer poem by rupi kaur taken from page 71 of the sun and her flowers.  It seemed to articulate something that resonated so deeply for me I felt the need to share it here.

Kaur.png

the truth comes to me suddenly – after years of rain

the truth comes like sunlight

pouring through and open window

it takes a long time to get here

but it all comes full circle

it takes a broken person to come searching

for meaning between my legs

it takes a complete, whole perfectly designed person

to survive it

it takes monsters to steal souls

and fighters to reclaim them

this home is what I came into the world with

was the first home

will be the last home

you can’t take it

there is no space for you

no welcome mat

no extra bedrooms….

Heaven on earth

Kundalini.jpg

This power that lives in your spine

It is a serpent and it will rise

Do not believe the ancient myth

That says he was the evil one

Instead remember him as bringer of truth and power

So long exiled

By the patriarchial world

Running half crazed

In fear of the feminine

The viper inside

That rises

When innocence is transgressed

Will be the freedom fighter

Who comes with the sword

To liberate you from your prison of

Bad Don’t Ought and Should

He will not let you be a slave

To domination

By the captor

Who demands the price of your soul

Through acquiesence

The reptilian brain was always given to us to trust

And serve

It brings a sword that must marry with mind

And use to cut away

From those who would ensnare our souls

In their paralysing traps

This power is the bringer of a light

That cannot be denied

That can inform the human side

Which turns dark and cold and heavy

When light and love and power are lost

True instinct

You are the force that takes us home

And that has the strength to realise

Full embodiment of our spirit in flesh

Heaven on Earth

A chink of sunlight : witness to the tide

Dawn 2

A chink opened up this morning Between gunmetal gray clouds Shining a ray of sunlight down Upon me Here safe in my little home

I awake slowly Coiling and uncoiling Unravelling

I rise slowly after some hour or so To memories of what you and Mum did give me Dad Over those 3 months in hospital Pinned to the bed You came with food and a little bottle of wine every night I needed a hug though

There was so much unsaid So much that fell through the empty spaces Left by no words

I am freed from that prison after 101 days But less than 3 months later Judy is struck down With a bleed in her head Then psychosis came And so much worry for you

I forget the high seas you were riding How as a man you had to lock it all inside and tell no one much but Mum Your stomach bore the tension but it ate you up And we lost you only a few years later So much loss An ocean to cross

Oh my How close I came to drowning And yet I fell full fathom five and am now slowly resurfacing It has been an ocean storm I have had to learn to breathe through A massive tidal swell that carried and beached me here Long years later

But I feel now with that chink of sun so quickly gone An intimation that very soon I will have Emerged From this dark night Victorious

And yet the grief will always remain Deep in my soul For it occured to me today I was born to be A witness to the tide

Where has your spirit gone?

Aether Ashley Lebedev.jpg

For me Dad You will always be alive In my imagination We never really got to know each other There was a chasm we could not cross I felt you so far away In another land Though close to me Is it any wonder I struggled so much To be close to men in my life

But now I imagine where your spirit has gone Into the ether Or fishing off a celestial beach Living the life you never got to live on earth

1985

Songs of innocence take me back To that world Something changed irreversibly When you were taken so suddenly And its so hard to fathom now Where I went And all the ghostly paths of exile I travelled Always silently crying out your name Fearing to get close to anyone again They could never know the ghosts that haunted me

Its taken me years too To now feel you silently breathing In the air that surrounds me Never really far away Yet never truely found A mystery I will never fathom A ghost that will walk with me for the rest of my days

And yet there is too, a curious love I do not fully understand And the acceptance of a destiny never chosen that I must embrace

 

(Image : Aether by Ashley Lebedev)

The poetry pharmacy

Autumn Leaf

Wow, I am loving this collection of poems assembled by William Sieghart.  I just took it out with me and was moved to tears by several of the poems.  To explain William suffered from depression himself and enduring all the usual questing and questioning that we souls go through on this journey of life most particularly as we age and inevitable losses and disappointments occur.  In the midst of that process. poetry soothed his soul and so in time he decided to post his favourite poems up in random spaces.  He then set up a space where people who were struggling could come to him with their particular issues and life woes and he would recommend one of his beloved poems.  This then morphed into the Poetry Pharmacy collection.

In the book there are chapters on subjects such as loneliness, feeling defeated, feelings of unreality and more with a page long piece of writing that contains William’s distilled wisdom of many years.  On the facing page is a poem.

To give you a sample I will include with this post one of the poems that moved me to tears and a little of William’s explanation.  I hope this touches you.

 

Condition : Stagnation

It’s easy to forget sometimes that however old we are, we still have the capacity to grow.  This poem is a reminder that it’s never too late to bud, bloom and flourish.  That winter only lasts as long as we allow it to.  Larkin expresses the wonder of that extraordinary potential for change.  It’s the feeling we recognise in the seemingly barren bush as it edges its way toward budding.  We know, intuitively and intensely, that transformation is on its way.  In a matter of weeks, that bush will be all but recognisable.  It will be fully alive again.

The Trees

Philip Larkin

The trees are coming into leaf

Like something almost being said

The recent buds relax and spread,

their greenness is a kind of grief

 

Is it that they are born again

And we grow old? No, they die too,

Their yearly trick of looking new

Is written down in rings of grain

 

Yet still the unresting castles thresh

In fullgrown thickness every May.

Last year is dead, they seem to say,

Begin afresh, afresh afresh