A chink of sunlight : witness to the tide

Dawn 2

A chink opened up this morning Between gunmetal gray clouds Shining a ray of sunlight down Upon me Here safe in my little home

I awake slowly Coiling and uncoiling Unravelling

I rise slowly after some hour or so To memories of what you and Mum did give me Dad Over those 3 months in hospital Pinned to the bed You came with food and a little bottle of wine every night I needed a hug though

There was so much unsaid So much that fell through the empty spaces Left by no words

I am freed from that prison after 101 days But less than 3 months later Judy is struck down With a bleed in her head Then psychosis came And so much worry for you

I forget the high seas you were riding How as a man you had to lock it all inside and tell no one much but Mum Your stomach bore the tension but it ate you up And we lost you only a few years later So much loss An ocean to cross

Oh my How close I came to drowning And yet I fell full fathom five and am now slowly resurfacing It has been an ocean storm I have had to learn to breathe through A massive tidal swell that carried and beached me here Long years later

But I feel now with that chink of sun so quickly gone An intimation that very soon I will have Emerged From this dark night Victorious

And yet the grief will always remain Deep in my soul For it occured to me today I was born to be A witness to the tide

I must bear this

I must bear this

I know I must

I know I can

Even if there is a God

And her plan is to let you drop

So very far

There must surely be a force of love working

Even as it reveals its absence

Inside the emptiness of your eyes

And there is a longing too

I just do not really know

What to do with it

So I must just bear witness

For as long as I can

And then not prevent myself

From standing

What help will it give me

If I remain here paralysed with you?

And yet my heart and mind is restless

Even judging that

Who knows what will happen now?

My love I do not have a clue

Surrender must surely be the only possible way of things

As your body and soul

Lie frozen stiff in the eternal snow

Of self abnegation

And so I remain here

Loyal to the silence

Lifting my heart in prayer

For I dare not even say

Which way the tide will flow

Perhaps only the Universe

Truly knows

Reality?

Here within this reality I feel squeezed

I also feel unreal

As though parts of myself have splintered

And fallen away

Deep into the void

There are no words that we can say

To reach the truth of everything

And may be this is why

When we are together

My chattering runs away

Like a skittled horse

That lost its rider

When a bolt of lighting

Pierced the air

In a storm

Have our two worlds shifted very far away

Each revolving on its separate axis?

Truth falls into silence

As anger rises

At all the things it is so useless

To feel anger for

Life is life

So why does it so often feel like a double edged knife

That cuts me away

Every day

Returning home I thank the Gods for silence

As a strong wind blows

I never fitted into the human world

And I am so done with trying

All I do anyway

Is lie to myself

When I try

And God knows how much our soul requires

Honesty

So let me be

Set me free from trying any more

Because the harder I try

The more I die

And it frightened me to hear myself

Say the words to you today

Maybe it would have been better

For everyone

(including myself)

If I had never been born

If you could see you

If you could see you

As God sees you

You would see that you are perfect

Even when you are

A perfect mess

But this perfection does not rest

On meeting any ideal

Or even jumping through all of the hoops

The chronically dissatisfied set

For you are the custodian of your life

Do you ever think for a moment

God would have made a mistake

When he and all of the angels

Conceived of your particular design?

And exactly why is it that

Collective culture

Seeks to define us

Or shatter rather than encourage our uniqueness?

Find your freedom from this

It does not meant you must be unkind

Only that you be as true as you can

To that voice that lives deep inside

The heart of you

And try to remember

When illusion clouds your vision

As it so often will with fear and doubt

That everything is really working out fine

All in harmony with some grand unseen

Profoundly wise and mystical design

Even moreso when we seek to align

Our true self with God’s vision of our

Innate unfolding perfection.

Love is waiting

Love is waiting for us

Just on the other side of despair

Love reminds us when we feel

The breath of cool air

Flowing through our hair

Of a million sunrises

That speak of hope

An opening to limitless joy

In places were before we could only sense

The deepest lingering of sadness

For all of the pain

All the things gone by we cannot ever change

Trust your heart

In the midst of this new unfolding

There is more wisdom to be revealed

And invisible presences of love drawing

Near

They need your loving presence too

Please believe

Freedom lies on the other side

Of all that is passing away

Now

So open to everything

As you surrender

Letting yourself go

Into this

New becoming

Ghost and a shadow

You will forever be for me

A ghost or a shadow

Hovering by

Always remembered

But never near enough to touch

The longing and memory of you

Will be with me every day

Even though sometimes

Much of the time

These longings and memoies

Will fall into forgetting

Like a heavy stone

That falls into a stream

There may always live inside of me

This ache

At times my heart will break

Open with the sadness

Of all you lacked the capacity to give

And today I realised

That for my heart

There may never be

An absolute healing

But never the less

Day by day I try my very very best

To make my peace

With all of this.

Related :

Where has your spirit gone? – Emerging From The Dark Night (wordpress.com)

Pain is a traveller

This poem is prompted by a comment I saw on a blog recently and the title is the comment.

Pain is a traveller

It flows through the spaces of our being

Left vacant by wanting

It pulls on the tendrils of our heart

That lie all entangled

Tying us up in knots

We hold our breath

As pain reminds us of a past that is gone

While waking us up to what it is

We most need and long for now

Opening to the breath

And all of the deep feeling

The tendrils of our heart

And very being uncoil

As we fall into the truth

That the essence of our soul

Is love

in the moment

you live

with shining eyes

completely centered

in this moment

your belly in touch

with earth

and i see so often

the concern you have

for humans

watching us and wondering why

we get so lost

in places where life has abated

we are all too often

held prisoner in our mind

struggling daily to leave behind

old pain

how long will it take

to grieve this past

sometimes the shock of it all

just hits me like a wave

and when it does

there you are

always and forever

faithful by my side

teaching me to ride the tide

while beckoning me at

its each and every turn

back into a deeper connection

with the present moment

and with life

It hurts

Feeling blue

My heart goes out to you

Pain in my chest

Hard to rest

Knowing you feel lost again

There are no longer any ideas here

About what is right or wrong

Because the truth is I do not know

Any more

All I know is that

It hurts

Sometimes I feel we are cursed

By an age old wound

That festered

I try my best

To keep keeping everything

Under control

But deep down inside I know

There is no way to really say

The absolute truth of what it is

My heart feels for you

You struggle so very hard to stay alive

That now to feel you sinking

Hurts me so

And I am really all out of words

Because deep in my heart I know

This pain you carry

Has no resolution

Will never ever ever

Completely

Go away

More than ever before

We all need

The comfort of love

Someone’s shoulder to lean on

Just for a while

Even though in the end

As a child

So many of us

Only learned to hide or deny the truth

Turning away

Towards the silence

We all need

Periods of humor and silliness

Within the drama and the pain

We knew

Are integrating

Or working to move

On through

Despair may convince us of lies

Should we choose to live in illusions

For too long

There is a love

That we long for

A place of surrender we need to find

To transform the pain

And a healing baptism

Of flood and fire

We must walk through

To get to the other side

With more of our soul

Awake

Grateful

And alive

Than ever before