Outside of myself : A return to love

AB

Outside of myself In a dark place Lost inside I know you are hurting

I feel it deep inside my skin A pain that is both mine and not mine

Holding your hand I am crossing the divide

Anger and misunderstanding kept us apart

Did we see the depths of each others suffering? The hurting heart

We are sharing this now Across ages

Saying things We cannot say to anyone else

Separation too far gone

I do not think there is a way back now

And so we live with the space between

And the emptiness that comes at times

Unbidden

But still

Beating deep down inside this emptiness

There is a love too

That is both vast and eternal

And has the ability to span

The magnitude of generations

Ghosts that whisper

Only longing to be know

Surround us in this quiet place

And are felt Skin on skin

Somewhere a mother got lost And a child’s heart ached Both with hurt and with longing

Gone silent Assuming a terrible disguise

That chased connection from the room

As refuge was sought By distance

But now

Longing, hungering and hurting

In reminding us

Of all that was lost

Sounds the clarion call

To return

Our awareness and attention

To forgiveness

To understanding

To connection

To empathy

To love

Draw comfort

AB

Draw comfort where you can

In this world of strangers

Where promises so often lead to disappointment

Where rain and windstorm so often follow sun

Life is so often tinged

With the deeper hues of sadness

That are left in the wake of connections

Which break

Leaving  barrenness and emptiness in their wake

But comfort comes from the heart that stays open

To this suffering, able to feel it all

And a mind that can encompass loss and uncertainty

When we draw comfort from within

We find a place where everything

Every feeling response can be witnessed

And welcomed inside

A place where resistance lets go

A heart that opens brings comfort

To ghosts and shadows

And soothing healing love and words

Become the balm we use to nurture

Tender raw wounds

Until they heal

Lleaving us with scars

Some say to give up hope is negativity

But to me it is living in a reality

With a deepening acceptance of all that comes

Innocents whose hearts were never broken hope

But we who have known both the bleeding and the burning

That turns all to ash

Are wiser

No comfort comes from restlessly seeking outside

And we souls can find no peace

Seeking and seeking forever lost

In a world

That does not see as deep

As a fully conscious soul dives

 

Where life is frozen

Where life is frozen Fear will take up residence And the emptiness born of a pain that lay underneath it all So unrecognised Will call but with a phantom voice

You can no longer recognise Whose heart is that that you seek Is it the one stolen The one whose words were never heard Because life took it all too soon

In the absence that formed Which you filled with fire Everything burned to ash As your body cried out Father I need you

Remember that late summer afternoon When we came so close to death for the first time My high flying bird playing on the eight track as the car spun out so close to the edge of the mountain ending up crashed against the embankment?  That night I crawled into bed and you held me close How was I to know that in the last month we would embrace once again in the same way not knowing it would all be far too late.

Dad you are the phantom that haunts all of our days and casts a shadow over life that can never be fully erased Your loss the loss we don’t ever speak of That hovers here and lays everything to waste Hope, longing truth trust honesty connection All these things a soul thrives on That we can not know

I have known your passing not only then but repeating across more than 20 years with 5 separate leavings of men I loved Each time my soul ached with a pain I thought would break me in two and alcohol was there until the last and then the crash came and took me down with all the grief I was running from I see it now

Dad I miss you and I dare not say or believe that you truly loved me for then the hurt would be entirely too much for this soul to bear but now I know the truth beyond a doubt and there is an end to my running

I must grieve and stop all the anger and fear which is really resistance to a deeper truth that must finally be fully felt nakedly completely in this oh so poignant moment I must close the door and turn to face myself and all that I buried over years and in so doing finally unfreeze my fear and resistance so that they can turn to tears

Father ; farther

Dad I never got to say goodbye

 I am sorry our last words were an argument

Father you were always farther away from me

And I struggled to understand

Could you really see, feel and hear the real me

So many times when I tried to tell you what I needed

You said no

So Dad now its so hard sometimes to trust

And to let myself have what I need

If you had lived today you would be 97

Now you are a ghostly presence

Who I will never truly say I can know

Lost to me I long for your holding and love

In all kinds of ways

So how can I resolve the need to be known and loved by a man?

Oh Dad how much I wish things were different

Somewhere deep inside I think I felt

All the things you hid

Under a cover of silence

But how will I ever know?

Bright light

A

Bright light

Let your soul shine

Undimmed by fears or limits

Of those

Who would see it extinguished

For want of knowing how to recognise

Joy Happiness Enthusiasm Passion

These are not the disease

They led you to believe

And just because you at times

Fly high

And journey low

Does not mean that you are sick

Sicker is a society

Conditioned to deny the soul of a bright bird

Who gains joy in flight

Or is conditioned to deny

The dark indigo of deep sorrowing and grieving

Felt by those who sadly endured loss

So let your light shine

Allow your wings to fly

Let the highs and lows carry you along on this journey

And follow the flow of your heart

As it beats and floods in your chest

A rare bird following a raging river

Through brightest day

And darkest night

Darkness eclipsed

Pearl

Darkness

Maybe you will never be gone from me

Maybe you are a part of my soul

Balsamic moon baby

Little one born before the Moon could be seen

When it was disappearing in deep space

Into a void

Of silence

Were you born to be the witness

Of all this pain

Of the fragility of relationships and human care

Of the agony that occurs

When endless goodbyes

And cleaving seem unrelenting

Leaving in their wake

A pile of ashes

Or a smouldering fire

You must tend alone

Looking around

No one seems to see

How hard it is

How much you struggle

How close you come

On some days to death

 To saying

This burden is too heavy to bear

Crushed

Like a lead weight

Your soul sinks

To the bottom of the ocean

And you become

A pile of sludge

But then

Just as you think

Death and depression

Have defeated you

A wave rises

And with raw power

Sets its surge inside you

Bidding you to fight

With all your might

Against extinction

And although you are exhausted

And feel as though you cannot go on

Somewhere else you know

That if you just trust

And hold yourself

In the centre of this wave

Riding it

You will rise again

Distilling difficult wisdom

And heartbreak

Into this seed

Which becomes

A black pearl

You place

Inside your heart

Then the darkness

That almost eclipsed you

Will become only

Dark memories you carry

Of all, that in passing

Awakened you

To the value of light

Deep mysteries

Of undoing

Of becoming

That with time

Allow the light to dawn

Over the horizon of your soul

No longer so eclipsed

By doom

Write

Write

Its all I want to do

Pour out words

As dusk descends

Bleeding night into day

Dark into light

Pain oozes forth

Between the spaces of words

That others write

Reminding me

Of how much pain there is in a soul

And in the world

Pain that so often

Others cannot bear to know

And so tell us to forget

But we will not let ourselves

Be so cruelly deceived

Anymore

Hold fast and true to your pain

 Beautiful poet

Squeeze those words that tell

Of the letting of blood

Let them stain the page

So we can know

It was not all in vain

Because someone here

Hears

And really wants to know