When our dreams die
We fall into the darkest place
A place where all we longed and hoped for
Seems an impossible dream
And it becomes so hard to love where we are now
For the pain is so deep
And inside we feel so cold
Where a warm fire once burned
We only feel wreckage
Something inside of us is breaking apart
And the breaking hurts
We cannot see yet
How this breaking is also an opening
To a new state of being
One in which hope
Though removed from view
Leaves in its space
A place where we are touched
By a deeper understanding
A deeper reality
And often this takes so long to birth
And we spend years inside the chrysalis
Of our broken dreams
Spinning and spinning
Out of our suffering
A new life and perspective
Philosophy cannot ease the pain
For philosophy is only born once pain is passed
By wiser souls
So death of dreams and loss of hope
Is often the highest price we pa
For a far deeper descent
Into a more profound reality
I am thinking about perception today. What it is that makes some of us see sunshine and rainbows while others heads are full of clouds and storms even when the sun is shining. I seem to have a state of mind in which things can become negative. I am no fan of false ‘positivity’. I actually think it can be very damaging to be told you need to look on the positive side of a very damaging, abusive or heart breaking situation and yet there is usually some kind of silver lining if you are not totally inundated by negative experiences and abuse which, after all, is where so many of us find ourselves at the start of a hard healing journey.
If friends or emotional support or a good validation are absent it can become even harder. In my own case I have seen a very entrenched suicidal depression lighten over the past few years as my connections with positive, connected and validating people have grown, still at times I also battle inner forces and perceptions that focus on decay and the dark side, particularly when I am alone in my home. It can seem as though decay surrounds me, that I am not ‘keeping on top of things’ as others do. I put a lot of pressure on myself to have things looking good and I am also aware at times that I do get pulled into addictive bad habits which is when a positive inner parent needs to step in to nurture and take care of my wounded inner child in more loving ways.
Wounded child is not a great place to spend heaps of my time if love isn’t being given in some ways to make things better, and so often that love has to come from inside me in terms of my self talk. But its a fine line between imposing positive self talk and being able to be with what is arising when it is painful and difficult while giving it space without allowing the ‘bad’ to dominate my consciousness. These days I spend less time in these states and encourage myself to see if there is some kind of positive solution, something I can do to ease the loneliness and pain or the negative thoughts when they can begin to dominate especially those thoughts are being driven my other thoughts that are perfectionistic in nature. And I guess at base this is practicing a kind of mindfulness around my inner thought processes while tapping into a more loving, nurturing witness being inside that can raise rather than lower my vibration.
I notice the critical negative thoughts seem to be triggered for me when I return home to my house alone after being out. The inner critic is so powerful at these times that I nearly lose consciousness of the ‘good’. I guess becoming aware of this pattern is the most important thing for me, for once I can see and name it : that is the first step towards making a change.
I was thinking today of how helpless and passive and hopeless I used to feel in my life. I truly felt I had no power. It was such a terrible place to live and when I see it in others my heart aches for there are people out there in situations where their power has been stolen and there is not a lot of support. I can’t afford to have a Pollyanna view of these situations of real suffering such as the plight of refugees on Manus Island. Seeing these kinds of situations can put my own into perspective. The lonely tough days can be hard but there is usually something I can do and some way to comfort myself. Today I reminded myself that the things that sometimes look ‘bad’, are not really. A bit of mess or broken things lying around is not ‘bad’ : the feeling that it is all comes out of my conditioning. Mindfulness reminds me of a different perspective, one that can build me up rather than tear me down inside.
Reblogging a post from Love’s Illusion a moment ago made me aware of how an attitude of gratitude opens my heart to deeper acceptance. Finding that deeper connection to our sense of gratitude is something we can only do from our own soul. If we are told to be grateful it often feels like a form of emotional abuse as we are not always in that mindset of acceptance and gratitude. To me finding my own gratitude is about a revelation that comes after a lot of deeper, harder work at the end of a process where I may have had to suffer through. At the outcome I see things far differently. Whereas before a sense of love and acceptance was obscured behind a gritty film of resentment or anger or struggle.
Ideally an attitude of gratitude enables us to open up our lungs and breath to fresh air, where as before we may have been holding on tightly as so much had not yet been aerated or processed. Gratitude only opens once we see a wider vista before us and realise how seeing things from that perspective required an alteration of mindset contingent on other things occurring that we outside of our conscious control. And often gratitude can be blocked by resistance towards something occurring that is requiring of us a letting go that we may never be fully prepared for. There are always a number of different perspectives we can see from, but to me the real wisdom of altered perspective rests upon me seeing things and understanding things I could not understand before rather than being forced or coerced by someone else to see them in a certain way which is why being told platitudes or fed philosophies from others isn’t really all that helpful and may even make things worse.
At any time we have the choice as to where we place our vision but we also carry deeper truths and knowing in our souls which we can tap into via a spontaneous arising of “ah ha” moments which often come unbidden opening up wells of feeling previously buried that clear the landscape.
For myself today I have been shedding a lot of tears. I took Jasper out to the park after working most of the morning in the garden. On our way home we passed past a property being auctioned. There were a mass of cars and people everywhere. I stood for a little while listening to the bids before moving on. By the time I got to the car I was feeling so emotional. I had a flashback to being about 7 years of age and standing on the lawn in front of our Endeavour Street house while my sister’s piano and other items were being auctioned. It was a sad event as my mother sold my sister piano without her permission. When the man came to take the piano, apparently I confronted him and told him it wasn’t his to take. “That’s my sister’s piano!” I said. This image and the associated feelings all came to me after I had driven past the auction and it made sense to me of how just two weeks earlier I had been shaking all over as I fronted into the auction for the town house a few suburbs away.
I then came home and put a call into my Mum which was so emotional as well. Yesterday my sister had taken her to get a mobility walker and she hadn’t been shown much care by the person working at the place, at first they ignored her and then they didn’t give her the required help. While she was relaying this to me I just had tears streaming down my face. She then asked me where the contract was for the town house. “I gave it to your solicitor last week, Mum” I said. This made me even sadder. “These patches the doctor has me on make me so confused”, she said. I am aware that my mother is aging but I was also well aware of my Mum’s young history of emotional neglect too while the entire conversation was going on. My heart went out to my mother in compassion at the same time as my heart was hurting from feeling deeply and so much certain themes that have carried through. I was aware of a huge void opening up inside me and of the dark overcast day making my house feel just for an instant lonely and cold. I was overcome with feelings that if I could just go forward into the new house I could leave the painful history behind me in some way and reach for more connection as I feel my Mum is going to need me more and more as she ages more.
I know these are all just feelings. And I am not sure how a post that first started on gratitude is related to what I have just written, but on some level I am grateful to be able to open my heart to it all and feel, hard as that is at times. The soul in me is alive and living and I see that more and more as life goes on. There is always a lot more going on under the surface than is apparent at times, there are hidden depths to things and in some way with my strong Scorpio Neptune I feel this most particularly around my Mum’s Sun Mercury Saturn Scorpio energy. I see how I am her evolution living on in time still revisiting so many issues that are both personal and ancestral. I am grateful that my vision is wide enough to encompass this understanding. At the base of it all is love and in some way love and gratitude seem to be so closely linked. Its hard to feel grateful when we are not being loving and loved it is hard to be loving when we don’t feel grateful. For today I am seeing how deeply these two are so deeply and intrinsically interconnected and how wonderful it feels to be in that open space where real connection is possible.
Lately I am becoming aware that at times my perception can be distorted and I read things into situations that they may not contain at all. This is not to say that at times I don’t see deeper truths and that I always get it wrong but I can tend to take a negative slant on things and then I am seeing not through the eyes of love or through a deeper understanding but rather I am seeing through the eyes of fear tinged with a lot of past pain and projections.
It is occurring to me lately that I can ask for divine help with this to correct my wrong perceptions or perceptions tinged with fears which actually end up limiting my life. There is a saying somewhere, I think it comes from A Course in Miracles that goes “I am not a victim of the world I see”. Sometimes I feel that I am. I don’t live with the belief in abundance but with the belief in lack. I don’t live with a sense of hope and possibility but with a sense of doom and impossibility and when I begin to think like this I become a victim of my own thinking. I am made aware through steps 6 and 7 of the recovery steps that I can ask for help with having my perceptions and pain transformed.
I do think there comes a time when we have to begin to take responsibility for the thoughts we are thinking. There comes a time when our old patterns of thinking can become painful for us and this is the time our souls are calling on us to make a change. We are only a victim of the world we think we see if we are not prepared to take some responsibility for making changes that can bring some happiness towards us in the place of pain. This is not to say that we need to always run from pain for sometimes pain, loss, betrayal, disappointments have to be felt through fully, hard as that is and then they transform once we show them the healing light of acceptance.
Part of being adult means we will encounter things we often don’t like or want in our life or world. What we do with how we process the hurt, betrayal or disappointment will be essential to how we come out of that experience. I am not saying that the deep pain of going through trauma, betrayal or abuse was just an illusion but maybe on some level it had some lesson for us. A lesson about continuing to love and believe in love and hold fast to the idea that we can see through eyes of love once all the hatred, hurt and fear has passed through us. I think forgiveness is a conclusion that comes at the end of this difficulty journey. One that cannot be forced but will emerge once we have done the inner work to correct our inner vision and clear out and cleanse our inner hurt, fear, betrayal and pain all of which were valid responses but can if held onto for too long become hurtful to our ongoing life.