My sad self is not the whole of me, though at times it is so strongly present. There is a side of me that is very dark and heavy and sad, that has lived in a dark and heavy places of isolation, separation and grief and known great loss and pain, awakening at 17 when an accident nearly took me out and stole from me that last semester of my final year at school. Talking with my therapist a few days ago I spoke of how it felt like at that age a tear appeared in the fabric of the earthly reality and a dark hand reached up to grab me and take me down into the Underworld. That was just the initial event of many traumatic experiences that unfolded spanning the years from age 17 to 31 when I finally got sober and arrested my active addiction in 1993.
The light returned for a time, then, when I met my ex husband. We had some happy years of normality as we built a life together but in time the darkness of my unresolved past claimed me. As I look back I wish I could have made other choices. I wish I could have remained tethered in the daylight world and gone on to share a life with my husband but it all got torn apart around this time of year and so my sad regretful self is very, very strong some days. I find myself captured by thoughts of what could have been were we able to build a new life in Cambridge. I know its useless to regret the past in that regretting solves nothing.
Maybe too, as my therapist says, my ex husband wasn’t a proper life partner for me, maybe it was all ‘meant to be’. That kind of shift of perspective can make my heart less heavy as I realise that I can be grateful for the time we did have together but also recognise there was a deeper layer to me than could ever truly find a home in that relationship. And that I had an inner destiny calling me within that had not only a personal but a collective purpose.
As I shared in an earlier post Mercury, planet ruling perception, mind, communication and journeys turned backwards for a glance on Sunday, the 11th and it is not quite on my Pluto/Persephone in the first house, but nearly! So I am looking back at all the changes and endings that led to now and this new beginning.
I read a very insightful chapter in a book on the Goddesses in Everywoman many years ago and in the chapter on the Persephone woman I found myself. The Persephone woman’s life journey takes her to the Underworld either through emotional abandonment, depression, abuse, trauma or addiction. There she lives out the dark side, perhaps sharing a strong connection to the ancestors. I have Pluto Moon and in her book on that subject, astrologer Judy Hall tells the stories of several Plutonian Moon people, John Lennon was one. He wasn’t a woman but the early abandonment of his mother left him with wounds. The other family profiled in that book with a strong Pluto/Persephone signature was the Bronte family. Several of the Brontes died young and there was mother loss that dogged them all, most especially the younger brother. The dark heart of Pluto Moon is present in several of the sister Bronte’s books which touch on obsessive love and mental suffering and trauma experienced in and through relationships (Moon) with the traumatised (Pluto).
For myself I feel the heavy blackness at times. Kat and I were going over the years of my life that led to my oldest sister’s first suicide attempt in 1982, yesterday. It was such a hard year in my life anyway in other ways. Following my accident and an aborted attempt to embark on studies up North I returned home to live in hopes of finishing my teaching degree. Instead Dad forced me to go to secretarial college. As Kat said to me yesterday : “That just wasn’t you”. I told her that it was as boring as hell and that we had type in triplicate with two carbon papers only being allowed two mistakes a page. No tippex and no computer autocorrect. That year my drug taking and alcoholism really escalated.
In later years one smart arse said to me “why didn’t you tell your Dad to stick it up his jumper!”. That wasn’t done and in any case I didn’t have means to support myself on the back of my accident. Anyway it was that year my sister’s husband returned her home to us with a one way ticket and one blue tracksuit with a beaten up old case for what she believed was a two week holiday. He just disappeared and there was no return ticket. Her four boys were with him. Suicide attempt in that dark front room at the start of the hallway, dark, dark emptiness descends like a shroud, laying all joy to waste! A few years later my father’s illness grew and he was taken, leaving us alone.
Early on I learned relationships were dangerous. Life was unsafe. Today when I woke up I just lay there and repeated to myself over and over again. “You are safe, you are loved.” Trauma repeat on any waking up and coming to consciousness tells me otherwise! It tells me without words but with body symptoms “you are about to die, or be killed! Or something is about to be stolen.” (As it always is, I guess, as life goes on!)
Death is really rearing its head in therapy lately and coming up a lot (Mercury on Pluto in the first house makes sense!). In the absence of outside forces collecting to cut me down or kill me I can then internalise the killer within in the form of a nasty anti life critic mean saboteur grim reaper who cuts all life, all joy, all promise, all hope, all faith off. That is when I find myself once again deep in Hades/Underworld or the inner place of shades with a traumatised Erishkegal crying over and over and over again “Woe to me, woe to my insides. All is black, all is helpless, all is fucked death is stronger than life. I cannot make it!” (Black side of black/white thinking?)
And yet another part of me knows that this is also not the entire reality of the life that I can have and live to embrace. There is also happiness that is there when I choose to say to that Underworld place : “No! I have done enough time here now! Now please, will you let me reach for life, for light, for love, for promise, for joy, for hope? Please don’t kill me off any more. Please today let me live free and dance through the fields with Jasper.”
Today I beginning to feel that I can actually make a choice but you know moments before writing this and articulating all of this I felt that I was sucked back so far down in the darkness again and literally could not move This feeling followed a conversation with my Mum after which I absorbed all her sadness and tiredness. I came off the phone crying because yesterday a put a schism between us due to my abandonment wound arking up. She didn’t respond with empathy and then I think on some level that just made us both sad. Today she sounded so very, very tired and then I thought of how at times I almost feel my psychic energy body is reading or mirroring hers which would be another manifestation of strong Pluto Moon, a very strong psychic connection not only with my mother but with the mother line.
Lucky for me I can use perception, my mind and astrological signatures and archetypes to make sense of this ‘stuff’. When it has its hooks in me though its a different story, I am sucked on by the psychic/soup/fog of which I am not fully conscious.
I started this blog to speak about my sad self and to explain how that is not the entirety of me. I have a happy self too, one that can live in the present moment and positive life energy. I just have to become aware when the darker, heavier, sadder side is gaining hold, feeling my way into it, connecting with it, but not allowing it to fully possess me is a skill I am finally learning. I want to be able to be and express from both sides for Persephone never lived the entire time in the Underworld. In spring she returned to upside world again with gifts to give and dark knowledge she earned having eaten and tasted the fruit of suffering of Hades/Pluto fruit, the pomegranate. She can give then to those who also voyage or get trapped in the Underworld too. She can affirm that they are not lying or mixed up about that place, that it is real and does exist and is not just some form of aberration that so called saner souls can say is ‘madness’ or ‘insanity’, rather it is like a scar or birthmark that permanently marks the souls of some of us.
Like Innana (another Persephone woman), the recovering Persephone becomes able to travel down to meet the ailing, grieving, inconsolable, wounded, flawed, disturbed and sorrowing, hungering side of others or of ourselves. Through empathy and compassion (and self compassion ) she develops the resilience to be deeply present with others or herself, for a while, holding their/our hand and saying “woe is you and woe to your insides”. She can do this with patience and forebearance just long enough for her Underworld sister Erishkegal’s suffering to be soothed, mirrored, contained and transformed. And then Innana finally becomes free, free to return once again, for a time to earth, to light, to spring, to sunshine, to hope, to trust, to love at least until the next descent or call is heard.