Anger with my therapist leads to deeper reflection

I found myself feeling a lot of anger towards my therapist, Kat yesterday.  The intensity of what my body goes through on any day and any night as a result of having recently had this tooth removed on the back of a traumatic head injury at occurred after a time I so needed family support and was once again denied it at the end of my marriage bites me hugely.  I feel like I have giant incisor like wounds from that bite lodged in my psychic flesh and over the past few nights of the eclipse I have been bang awake between 3 and 5 with all these powerful sensations coursing through my body as my mind has struggled to make sense of the tangled up jigsaw pieces of the past 17 years of struggle to find and make sense of my true feelings and find a centre of self in the messy conglomerate of energies within and without which like wild currents and eddies swirl this way and that, at times setting up huge surge like storms of ‘meness’ and then at other taking me down with the powerful centrifugal undertow of black inky sludge drowning me completely and making it hard to draw a free breath!!!

I am angry that Kat didn’t seem to even remember the piece of writing I actually read to her last Thursday, I had to read it all over again and I was feeling so tired,  she is my fucking therapist why can’t she remember, why doesn’t she take the time to read my blog before I go to a session so she can help me a bit, for fucks sake its only one hour and reading three or four blogs to catch up is exhausting because often when I write the feelings are there simmering away under the surface and only emerge when I read them in session which now that I write it just goes to show if she did read it then that wouldn’t happen so why am I getting so mad?  I still am because I have to work so fucking hard at times and there is so much to get through in session.

I do know why I am angry though.  This is old anger.  I have had fuck all help in my life in the way that really mattered.  I didn’t need money thrown at me, I needed a parent who got me, and was there emotionally not one who consistently abandoned me and then told me I was a late developer when I shared I got into sobriety.  Yeah Mum it was all my fault that I drank in a situation in which so many painful feelings were going down that I didn’t know how to deal with in the absence of support, after a major traumatic injury at 17 that I never got any help to deal with later only to be followed six months later by even less care available due to my sister’s aneurysm occuring with all the complications that followed all at a time I was trying to develop and mature.  Fuck That!!!

Yet even as I write this and consider my last post about the poor fit between a mother and child that leaves the child, lost, confused, split off from her body and feelings and lacking self containment and integrity of being I realise that I must accept my mother went through the same with her mother and so just passed down the wound. The anger is understandable that I feel but it wont help me unless I use it to drive a deeper understanding and also to set boundaries so that I don’t open up and share intimate emotional stuff she is likely to dismiss, deny or be confused about herself.

So its probably not really even my therapist I am really angry with but with the entire sad history of a child who came to not be able to understand, express, or even tolerate her own feelings and then became an addict, only to get sober and be told it was the result of ‘character defects’ which just reinforces the scapegoats idea fixee of being the ‘bad’, ‘wrong’ or damaged one, inherently flawed in some way.

I don’t actually remember in the rooms of AA being given any help to understand my own feelings.  I do remember sitting there in meetings and crying my eyes out as other’s shared from such a damaged split off place, full of self blame and self denigration.  It broke my heart in two.  And then in Al Anon meetings I got the askance looks from those trying to whip alcoholic loved ones into shape with their own self righteousness not getting for a moment the suffering or deeper dilemma the person concerned was going through.   I remember not being hugged after a meeting or reached out to after I shared from a deep well of pain.

I know it probably wasn’t their job but I do feel that once our buried feelings begin to open up in sobriety we need some form of encouragement and affirmation from others to assist us and yet even that hope or demand has hidden deep in the centre of it a hope or demand that is loaded with the sadness and longing of deep needs of long ago for the parent’s unconditional love, understanding, mirroring and acceptance of feelings; needs we never got to fully understand or contain.

In the end, as I was discussing with Kat yesterday, perhaps no one now can give us enough to make up for what we lost or never received in the first place.  Such an empty void or space in the place where we most needed to be met, filled up, affirmed, received  must be acknowledged, deeply understood and grieved.  And then we must meet the challenge of finding ways to fill our lives with the good energy of connection and love, learning how to understand, feel and tolerate all our feelings.   Being or becoming the good loving mother and father to ourselves so that ultimately we don’t end up re-enacting our emptiness, wound or anger on others or keep ourselves lost and trapped inside the deep dark desolate place of that emptiness.

I do wonder now, though, if we end up alone with no life partner and disconnected from so many friends due to the wounds we have carried driving so many away from us in misunderstanding how sweet can life be?  Can we really fill ourselves up from the life font or spring of spirit that was meant to flow within and through us and can that be enough?

Its obvious to me now that the hyper sensitivity that so many of us feel who were not met or received in the needed ways, grew larger in the absence of such love and care.  The burden of our so called ‘over sensitivity’  needs to be understood and we need to make sure that we don’t blame ourselves while at the same time learning to take responsibility for the wound we carry in terms of taking care of ourselves, learning to be open, vulnerable and honest to ask for what we need rather than demand it or get shitty when it doesn’t just come automatically.

We also need an awareness of the real failures of others which came from the limits of their own capacity to be fully embodied themselves, a wound that seems to plague so many in a technologically driven modern society that has grown increasingly removed from the natural and soulful elements in vibrant earthly life.   To begin to feel that love means that we open ourselves body and soul to the soft caress of the sun on skin, to the luxuriant feeling of sea water on flesh, to the sheer love that shines in our dog’s eyes as he runs to great us, to the joy of feeling our free spirit express its bounty through dance, movement and song.

It surely means we open up again to try to find the love and containment we missed from a loving mother’s arms in places and spaces where it does exist.  And it also means that we as ones who have been damaged and know the cause and consequences of such disconnection and damage make a stand in a world where sensitivity and depth is so often not championed.  For the pain our souls have suffered has perhaps highlighted for us how essential such an earthly connection to life, feeling and nature is and to the deeper realisation that the wound to the mother that leads to severing from body and deep feeling is one we end up enacting on the earth and ourselves over and over again if we don’t fully face, feel and speak for the painful and agonising consequences of its loss or absence.

I will go out from this place

Emerging From The Dark Night

forest

I will go out from this place

though the road

leads through a deep dark wood

In the wood

I will make a fire

from a pile of kindling

and a bed

from a pile of leaves

the animals will come

and wrap their love around me

and I will know

true comfort

that I could not find

at home

with you

Out beyond this place

is a wide open field

of acceptance

where there are just questions

wide open questions

and no need for answers

or the tyranny of certainty

hard glances

even harder hearts

deep in this wood

 there is

only the whisper of the breeze

and on clear nights

a canopy of stars

that shine brightly

with the love of the Goddess

I will go out from this place

though the way be lonely

I will find in that loneliness

a hearth

a heart

and a home

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Canopy of Green

canopy

Canopy of green

We move underneath you

Feeling ourselves to be

Embraced by an arbour of love

That nature threw over us

Such splendour

That fills the soul

So sorely needed

For barren places

Breed within us a deeper emptiness

And so much of modern life

Burns the green away

Leaving only a pile of smoking ash

War

Wanting

Terror

Conflict

The antidote for this is nature

Peace

Love

Bestowed upon us by a beneficient force

That knows nothing of the terror

Only man makes for himself and his kind

Canopy of green

You soothe Jasper and I

You are a gift from God

One our open hearts celebrate

And give thanks for

Trauma imprinting demands the body be heard and soothed

“PTSD is a whole-body tragedy,

an integral human event of enormous proportions

with massive repercussions.”

Susan Pease Banitt

After posting my last post on the abandonment depression I started to question how much time we really need to be alone and reliving our trauma.   Trauma is not an intellectual thing.  It may affect our thinking but the truth is that trauma is something that happens to our physical body as well as our emotions which we experience bodily and the effects of the shock, fear, hostility, shame or other types of traumas stay lodged in the body, they register in the cells, they affect the balance of chemicals and tissue salts, they drive us towards addictions either to numb more or to find a way to cope with the pain.  We most essentially MUST address our trauma and its consequences on a bodily level. And so much of trauma does not exist as words.  Lodged in the unconscious it can take the form of image in our dreams and of deep spasms and shock that re-registers in our body.

I was thinking about this a lot this morning as I felt the interface between my mind and body and the trauma that was in my cells which I have felt to be unravelling very acutely over the past few months.  It occurred to me that on the astrological level when we passed through the deep emotional territory of Scorpio in October to November we got deep insight into buried emotions (at least I did), I also felt all the pain of that deep longing to connect that got thwarted in my own trauma history.  Then as we entered Sagittarius towards the end of last month it started to shift upwards in some way.  Today as I was re-experiencing the profound shock trauma/nausea/fear/buzz trauma outpouring of the two accidents I was thinking of the image of the centaur who is half man half beast.  It is the beastly part of him which suffers and often in Sagittarius there is a movement into the head and away from the body or a rejection or splitting off of the body on some level.  This is what happens in trauma it gets too painful to feel and it also takes us into very intense instinctual animal territory where we cannot deny that as spirits trapped in bodies we will suffer from the sheer fact of just being human, living in a body and being born into an environment where so much happens to us when young which is outside of our control.  The trauma of this can lead in time for some of us to a profound intellectual/body schism.  But we can heal and knit the fabric of the two back together if when we heal through trauma we learn how to release it from our cells and recognise the profound impact it has had on our bodies and souls.  Our mind helps us to make meaning of the trauma and this process but we cannot jump to the intellectual level too soon as we may then repress trauma with philosophy which is reactionary.  One of the most problematic things of suffering from trauma is that others often take this reactionary view when they witness someone suffering in a way that they do not fully understand cannot be controlled and was the consequence of deep wounds..

Trauma imprints are difficult and painful, they include experiences and energies around us that we had no control over at the time which happened to us, perhaps in our homes when we were young or to our bodies and souls later in life as a reaction to our trying to live with the pain of the trauma.  What a long time it takes to bring all this to awareness.  But as we do it will be the body that leads us.  It will be the body we need to address.  It will be the body that we need to make friends with.   It will be the body that we need to soothe.  It will be the body that will speak to us as an entity or being that holds locked within it all the trauma imprints asking us to witness, contain and make sense of them.

As a culture I think we are now at a critical phase of our development.  The long range impacts of trauma are all around us in the culture out playing with different degrees of consciousness and unconsciousness.  As a species we have traumatised the earth as a result of our own traumas and a human development during the egoic age which has taken us further and further away from nature.   What we do to the earth when we don’t love it and know it as a living breathing sentient being is a reflection of what we do to our bodies when our splits become too much and our trauma drives us and we don’t embrace and feel and release our trauma and pain in effective grounded ways.

Healing from trauma means we must turn towards a wounded body and listen to it.  We can find ways to soothe it, to witness the trauma imprints unravelling in a contained and loving way.  If we truly listen to and make friends with the body it will tell us what we need to heal.  But first we need to understand its language, how fear gets lodged in our tissues and makes it very frightening to experience our bodies and what is trapped there and yet it is at this electric edge that we experience most profoundly the awesome spiritual life energy move.  If don’t get a full handle on all the ways our fear drives us we will destroy ourselves and others and we will destroy the earth and we will continue to run from our trauma and re-traumatise either ourselves or others.

Love is what trauma requires of us.  Love and courage.  The love is there in allowing the open space in which we can experience the intensity of trauma zing holding ourselves on a knife edge where it can move out from the body.  Our minds then will be freer than they ever were before.  And so much compassion will come out of this process.  This compassion being the most important antidote we can find to the fear, shock, grief, anger depression and shame that a traumatic past can leave us with.

If we turn our backs

images (9)

Today I had a conversation with a dear friend that made me feel really sad.  I could feel the sadness in my friend, a kind of heavy soul weariness with some very difficult things in his life.  The most distressing being that in his neighbourhood which was for so long so very close to nature, nature is now being over-run by buildings and constructions of other projects including a light rail that involves the removal of well over 20 giant fig trees.

My friend has been experiencing headaches and he has noticed that over the past few weeks the native fauna have migrated to his backyard which is now one of the only backyard in the suburb with any trees still standing.  He has endured the sound of chainsaws decimating the beautiful trees, giant sentinels that have stood in place for over a hundred years, now obliterated by stupid, crazy, shut down humans.

Hearing this made me feel so angry.  Earlier today I was listening to a programme in which people were speaking about the commercialisation of our Australian National Parks.  One man interviewed was the former Senator and Green Party Leader and Founder, Bob Brown.  A native of the island state of Tasmania which is one of this earth’s few remaining wilderness places, Bob campaigned many years ago against the damming of the Franklin, a huge river that runs through the Tasmanian wilderness.  He has been a wilderness advocate and nature lover for well over 50 years.

Today Bob was speaking of how we humans come from nature, we are part of nature.  When we turn our backs on our primal roots we find ourselves in profound peril, our physical, emotional and mental natures suffer from the severing of connection with that which is our ground and sustains our life and living.

Last week I had a painful day undergoing interviews in the lead up to my radiology treatment for Breast Cancer. During the interview a lot of grief and shock came up for me, as the prospect of chemotherapy was canvassed (an option I had already been informed was not required for my particular case).  The radiographer seemed shocked by my grief reaction.  I came away from the appointment feeling like I had visited an alien universe where clinicians without any kind of feeling were looking at me like some kind of strange species that they did not understand.

There was no nurturing touch, no comfort, only a lot of questions which clearly showed little understanding of what I was going through.  My nature had not been understood and I felt as though I had just been dropped in an icy ocean.  At the end of the interview all I longed for was the healing touch of sunshine on my skin, the feel of my puppy’s soft fur, the comfort of being home surrounded by wood and fibre and cosiness after the harsh sterile atmosphere of the New Cancer Centre.  I left the building crying and feeling all the terrible splittings and traumas of my life which severed me from love, connection and wild nature.

Contemplating my experience on Wednesday and considering what my friend is going through in seeing his environment decimated today I am feeling so sad in contemplating what will happen to us as a species if we continue to turn our backs on nature.

If we must and can it will be necessary for us to live where we can be in touch with nature in life and in our souls, for to live divorced from nature will surely be for us a source of grief whether consciously or unconsciously felt.

The deepest wound we suffer as children and the wound that seems to be making humans forget about the value of nature is not being fully received in our essential being while growing up.  As we move further away from our own natures, our relationship with nature around us suffers.  In nature we are open on a cellular level if we are not emotionally shut down by the trauma of being separated from who we truly are and what we truly feel.  If we continue to separate ourselves from nature how will we survive?  The earth must be grieving for us so deeply, trying to show us we need to wake the hell up.

I will go out from this place

Forest sleep.jpg

I will go out from this place

though the road

leads through a deep dark wood

In the wood

I will make a fire

from a pile of kindling

and a bed

from a pile of leaves

the animals will come

and wrap their love around me

and I will know

true comfort

that I could not find

at home

with you

Out beyond this place

is a wide open field

of acceptance

where there are just questions

wide open questions

and no need for answers

or the tyranny of certainty

hard glances

even harder hearts

deep in this wood

 there is

only the whisper of the breeze

and on clear nights

a canopy of stars

that shine brightly

with the love of the Goddess

I will go out from this place

though the way be lonely

I will find in that loneliness

a hearth

a heart

and a home

a place to rest

to centre

to dream

to become

all I was intended to be

Feeling a little lonely but still at home

autumn-fall-nature-tree-outdoors

Today turned overcast.  I was in a deep sleep with a very involved dream regarding a visit to some caves and a friend who had gone missing. This was the friend who accompanied me for part of my overseas sojourn following my father death.  She wasn’t really missing but just taking some time to come back and a waiting period was involved.  Interesting that as Mercury will station to go forwards in a few days, both Mars and Saturn will station to turn retrograde.  I’m beginning to feel it.

I needed to be up at 8.30 for the tree man who was coming to give me some advice about which trees to plant following the removal of a wild tree that has left part of my garden depleted of shade.

I live alone and its funny that just having a man of the earth visit for a short while, who has such a deep knowledge of trees, and life cycles, fertilisers and flowers brought me to mind of my isolation and loneliness at times and my longing to connect to someone.  We spoke about how the carbon problem in our world could be simply rectified by planting more trees and not removing the existing forest which act as the lungs of our earth.  Deep sigh…..We were standing under the canopy of my gorgeous tulip tree at the time (photo to follow.. when I can get organised enough to upload it).

Thirteen degrees of Taurus sits on the empty space of my T-square so all things earthy, gardens, flowers, soil and life cycles are manna to my soul and this space trines Pluto in Virgo in my first house.

Not sure what I’m writing about.  Its nearly time to head out to the park with wee Jasper for a play but I am reading blogs and just had a comment on yesterday’s post from the beautiful Ursula and it got me to crying.

Lots of people see tears as a bad thing but I don’t. To me they are the softening rain that makes me supple and bendable in the best way.  I carry a lot of body tension as a result of childhood and several accidents and it was explained to me by a therapist that the fascia of the different organs of the body become very tight due to trauma and that tears are the balm which soften the fascia and release it.  I feel restored after a little cry and feel I have come home to my body and my deeper truth, not only that the connection to someone’s feedback and mirroring of me made me very happy and filled just a little bit the longing I was feeling.

Not much more to say than that.  I am feeling a little lonely and isolated today and just wanted to share it, before going out to the park to play.