I wish that so many people who suffer from depression or bi polar could have it affirmed that their pain is real. I just read a blog of a fellow sufferer who could not get out of bed on Christmas Day, I know how that feels. I always force myself out of bed though. I am not able to stay in bed all day, just cannot do it, even when I am sick and need to. But I know that deep binding and paralysing depression that hits as a real response to challenging life events of change, hurt or loss, have undergone it in my own life. There were whole days and weeks and months I never got out of my pyjamas all day, I didn’t shower, found it difficult to stomach food and did not see a single soul.
I look back to those terrible crushing days of extreme physical and emotional as well as spiritual isolation and wonder how I survived them. The pain was just so intense but on another level I was numb. Critical killer inner voices besieged all my waking hours. Love had left my life, my marriage was over, I had no home of my own and no employment. All I did was write all day.
I am here to say though that today my life is not like that. Sure I am very sad on some days, but those feelings of complete inner hopelessness and emptiness are no longer as strong. I reached out to get help and it took me many therapy attempts but in the end I found that help. I found a therapist who helped me. I got this blog started. I started to write how it really was for me. People reached out to me. I learned to get in my car and go for a walk or a drive when I was lonely to a place where I could be with people. 5 years ago I got myself a dog and then started going to the public dog park with him every day and making some new friends. Some days I had to drag myself there in the afternoon.
I joined groups then left groups, told by them I wasnt allowed to have certain feelings or express certain feelings. I had to let certain relationships go. I had to believe in myself. I had to keep reaching for validation of my suffering true feelings and pain.
I am here to say that I believe recovery is possible for those of us who are willing to reach for help and become aware of how past emotional abandonment,abuse or neglect may have dogged our lives, our pain was real, it wasnt a figment of our imagination. We suffered and we bled. We were not responsible for the emotional neglect we suffered or the abandonment that happened to us. It left real deep scars in us. We don’t have to take the blame even though the harsh truth is that our recovery is our responsiblity. No one else can do it for us, but us, and we cannot do it alone.
So if you are suffering, trust yourself. Keep reaching out for love, keeping taking those baby steps forward even if you suffer set backs. Just keep at it one day at a time, one minute at a time, believe in you. You are worth it? You are worthy. There will be days you wish you were dead, days you feel the pain is too much, those are the days you are probably all alone with no one to give you a hug. On those days I reach out here and often I am responded to. I know it’s not the same as a physical hug but it helps. It has brought me back from the abyss many times.
Life at times can seen so dark and lonely it really can. But there are those out there who love and care despite their own pain and despair, so keep reaching until you find that connection, validation and love.