There is a profound passage in the Indian spiritual text the Bhagavad Gita that says “you have power over your actions but not the fruits of your actions.” Tonight I have been also thinking of Steps One and Two of the 12 steps in AA (1) We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol (or others) and (2) Came to believe in a power greater than us (or our limited will).
It is interesting that the planet of will, desire and action, Mars is very close to a conjunction or meeting with the powerful planet Pluto at the moment. Mars is at 19 degrees of Capricorn and Pluto at 21 and today the Moon in Cancer opposed both planets around the time I met with my brother. I have been thinking tonight that I must admit the limits of my power over others. I had an experience of connecting with someone who led me to believe we had the chance of a relationship but when I admitted my fear of being left and my need for quiet time as a sensitive person he broke contact and it hurt me deeply last night. But I also know I was honest and real about my limits and scars and he could not meet me in that place and reassure me, he wanted something else I could not give. I let him know two sisters had attempted suicide when their husbands left them and that was the end of any connection.
I had power over my action of telling him the truth and no power over the fruit of my actions. I am in a similar space with trying to deal with what is happening for my older sister right now. I don’t have the will to call her and have to hear all the confusion inside her. I have spent at least 12 calls over past months staying on the phone with her for up to an hour and a half each time, just being with her and trying to connect, to give her encouragement to embrace life and move foward. I offered to make dinner, I offered to take her to a movie and other things but she was not interested. I did not call this week, after the call she made to tell me a friend’s wife is dying of terminal cancer. I could not breathe well during that conversation and felt at the limit of my tolerance and my good mood was destroyed by the news for that night. I know it might sound resistant but at times it all gets too much, all the illness, suffering and pain, all the loss and emptiness and endings. They just dont seem to stop and I felt I needed time out so I just let go. And tonight I realised that is what I have to do with the relationship promise offered and then withdrawn, for now I have to accept I am on my own.
I have been praying to my dead relatives alot today. After dinner was finished I just sat and cried and admitted how scared I feel and helpless, powerless really. But in the 12 step programme powerlessness is not the ending, we do in step 2 and 3 come to believe there may be another force at work (an underground force) that may have different intentions for us than the ones we wish for or choose. It may be that we have to let go of something we really want, long for or treasure and there may be no way around it. There may be a time we come to realise we have done all we can and the outcome is now out of our hands. That is how I am feeling tonight. Over the next few days as Mars meets up with Pluto in the sign of Capricorn which is about perseverence while crossing a stony landscape I will just hold myself in the intentional mindset of letting go and surrender, not in a hopeless way but in one that accepts that so much happens in life I have no control over. I know when I try to control outcomes that are out of my hands I end up in insanity. I will only go crazy or end up hurting myself or others more if I try to control what I am powerless over. There are other things I do have some power over, how I react and what I expect from a frustrating situation. I can choose to let go or take another healthier course of action.