Mistaken

Wow

Little one

You never got to form a protective coat

You had holes that formed in your ego

Where bad stuff seeped in

So hard to make sense of it all

When it never really belonged to you

Hungry heart beating silently

So difficult

To sustain and nurture

Love

To grow a sense of meaning

And protection

When you were

Left alone one too many times

There was not really any place to turn

And no way really to know

That the feelings you had were real

Seeking something to ease the loneliness and pain

Your soul cried silently

And if you didn’t learn that you had value enough

To be worth someone’s time

Was it any wonder you gave yourself away

So freely and so cheaply

But now all this is changing

Although you cannot change the past

Recognition means

Now you can

Wrap an overcoat of protection and love

Around yourself

Now you are free to express

And give full vent to what you feel inside

And now you see how others are hurting

And damaged too

You will no longer expect

What cannot be

And be so bitterly disappointed again

It was all so much larger and more complex

That you ever could have known

In the child self

For all along you needed adult you

To show up

To hold you

And help you understand

The source of true love

True connection

For that lonely soul inside

Who believed for so long

Things mistaken

False beliefs

False conclusions

That were never really true

Angry with my family

Anger

I am not going to deny my anger any more.  I have legitimate reasons to be very angry at my family and my mother and sister in particular for what they put me through following the end of my marriage and even in the years before where I was just never treated with support, empathy and love.  I am sick to death of denying the truth to myself, rationalising it and minimising it.  I just spoke to my therapist and she said my anger needs to flow out and I need to find ways to do that today… write about it in your blog, draw it out or scream it out, do what ever you need to do to get it out of your system she said to me and so this blog is part of that process.  Internalised, invalidated anger has been kicking around inside my system for so long, it resulted in my accidents and in my alcoholism.  Part of my recovery is that I need to speak about it and value and validate my inner self and inner child.

I recognise what happened when I spoke to my mother yesterday when writing my blog A hollowed out shell was that by crying and becoming really vulnerable my Mum roped me into compassion.  Earlier on I had ended the conversation when she was once again telling me I needed to forget about things and put them behind me.   She called me back out of guilt to ask me to dinner and at first I said no and then wanted to relent when she showed me how much pain she was in and how insecure and unable to truly express herself she feels.  While I feel compassion for her I cannot let that over ride my own anger about what happened to me for it is anger that lets me know something hurt me deeply and wasn’t okay and that then helps me set some kind of boundary.  If I get told I shouldn’t have it or feel it that is invalidation abuse pure and simple and if the person is trying to guilt me out of it that is worse abuse.  Full stop! No argument, no debate!

I had a difficult day yesterday.  I noticed I got onto You Tube and posted some videos in two posts which although they had interesting insights don’t really help me to cut to the depth of dealing with the trauma and anger I am still carrying from the head injury that happened to me 12 years ago as the result of my sister and my mother’s meanness. At that stage I needed support and help to heal and grieve and know my truth, but I see how impossible this is to attain from anyone in my family they were just not that awake to the inner self or emotional realities.  My Mum is close to waking up but she seriously needs therapy.  I am sick of trying to be her therapist.  It isn’t my job really and she often told me that its not a good idea to go to others with your problems.  Her bottom line is that you need to work things out alone but that comes from a childhood where she was left alone and had to figure things out all alone.  Yesterday she was touching into deep realities and she told me how she feels so helpless and alone with no one much to talk to about all the things she goes through.  I want to say “well Mum get some therapy” but she never would.  So I end up being the font of all compassion but my compassion now is only prepared to extend so far when no recognition of past hurts or any apology has been forthcoming.

Second reason for anger and terribly acute body symptoms over the past few days has been unresolved issues with my living sister.  She was so awfully mean to me at the aforementioned time, telling me I was a selfish little girl and that I had had a shit of a life and she pitied me.  Oh and also going behind my back to my nephew (my older dead sister’s son) who I was really establishing a close relationship with and telling him how jealous I was of her.  Luckily at that time (just under 3 years ago now) he told me and I confronted her on the day we putting a party on for my mother.  I wish I had just walked out for at first she tried to deny it and then she said he had no right to tell me and then that she thought it was true.  But what I actually think is true is that the situation was the reverse and narcissists always believe they are so wonderful that the universe is jealous of them, why I do not know when the are such superiority junkies looking down their noses at all and sundry.  I have never been that person, as those who know me and have told me its just NOT ME.

Anyway she has softened somewhat in later years and actually did give me a grudging apology about what occurred in 2005 when I confronted her and Mum about it 2 years ago around this time of year.  But it was in no way an apology that came from her heart or truly recognised the damage done and the other day when she rang me about my tooth issue concerned to see how I was, it was I who ended up apologising to her for reacting to the horrible way she traated me.  Did I need to apologise  NO!  And my inner child is very upset with adult me about it and let me know as I woke up with shocking PTSD symptoms yesterday.  Whenever I see my sister my anxiety level goes through the roof and I was telling my therapist today that it was because I feel there is a lot of anger and hurt my body is carrying and the only way it has to come out is as anxiety.  But the mixed up irony is that as anxious as I feel I try even harder to bond with her and its a trauma bond and end up having an extra coffee with her even though its not really good for me to do it, because I feel she may be lonely.

I am aware as I write all this out it may seem like sour grapes to some.  I don’t really care as what you think isn’t my issue.  But what I need to know and see more clearly which is why I am putting it out there in black and white is how I can over ride my own impulses and intuitions. I often find my inner critic attacks my real attempts at feeling the truth of my feelings and most particularly that includes genuine expressions of anger.

Katina, my therapist was today reminding me that as much compassion as I feel I also need to remind myself that its okay to be angry.  So many of the messages around me growing up in family and Catholic school were based on anger being a ‘bad’ or negative emotion, when really anger is a signal of something from our deepest, truest inner self.  If we deny or over ride our own angry impulses we end up in such strife.  I have had so many accidents due to traumas from my past or pain replaying over in the present moment and this is one of the saddest facts about trauma,  it tends to attract more of the same to us but most particularly for those of us who were taught to value compassion, rationalisation and excuses over valid expression of anger.  So many times I have been told I better be careful as anger is dangerous, but this is only the case when it is not cleanly and clearly expressed, or if it is expressed aggressively.   We need to be so mindful of where our sore angry spots lie because when triggered they are signs of something from the past that needs to be dealt with or is calling for our awareness or attention, if we don’t pay attention we are in trouble  It won’t do us any good to act our anger out on those who really are just triggering a massive back log of past stuff but we still need to be aware that such people aren’t good to be around on a long term basis.  I am sad to say that goes for my family at present, much as I long for their love, when they are around it comes with huge reminders of pain from the past.  I have not ‘let it go’ yet, it hasn’t let go of me.

Its difficult writing this, as I was the television was just turned on by some automatic process.  I went over and Jasper my dog had his ear on the remote but what was most interesting was that it was a show called Compass and was on a priest’s life, and at that moment in time he was speaking of the ‘false ego’ that has to die if we want to fully embrace our humanity.  It made me question the wisdom of hanging onto my anger.  Maybe my sister had changed now and has soften, maybe she regrets what she did to me all of those years ago.  Maybe my mother wishes she hadn’t been so cruel to have chosen my sister over me when I was ‘too sad’ grieving at the end of my marriage.  I truly don’t know the answers to these questions.  Is my anger coming from ‘false ego’?  Is that why the television automatically came on?  I don’t know either but I am putting this in my blog as part of the mental process I go through on a day when I am trying to make sense of and deal with this anger from the past and the deep wound in me that gets triggered around this time of year.  I feel less angry now after writing this.  I have attempted to express my true reality, for what it is worth.   And I appreciate any feedback or any sharing from others about how you have dealt with your own anger.

And in the interest of openness the following are just a selection of anger quotes I came across on line :

 

 

An open field of hurt : reflections on carried trauma and abuse

ABC.jpg

My body feels like it is dislodging and dissolving the sediment of ages of neglect, trauma and abuse today.  I wrote the post Unprotected last night after coming home from the chiropractor.  Last night I felt a shift in my body from the treatment but following it the drama of symptoms my body goes through in trying to unravel its tragic tale is almost overwhelming. This nightly nightmare is not just an ‘anxiety attack’ but the cellular reliving of every trauma, wrists cut open, teeth smashed out, feet with third degree burns, arms pulled out of socks, bloody webbing between big and little toe from where Dad’s fishhook lodged due to his leaving it lying in seagrass matting, the feeling of having foetus’s removed from my womb, nights and nights of drinking to blot it out, go numb or forget.  And then the traumas that came after the addiction was arrested but the deeper trauma of the child’s plight was, as yet so far from being understood.

Last night I re-read some chapters of Alice Miller’s book The Truth Will Set You Free ; Overcoming Emotional Blindness and Finding Your True Adult Self as a reminder that is it only by waking up to what happened for so many of us in childhood and in our parent’s childhood that we can find freedom from emotional and body pain, for our bodies and cells REMEMBER EVERYTHING that happened to them and I believe what our ancestors lived is repeated and carried down cellularly and in repeated behaviour until someone wakes up.

However, in  order to know what happened to us, really happened, those painful truths so many seek to deny we need an enlightened witness to believe us and so many of this don’t even find it with certain therapists, in my opinion.

I now know that although I was unprotected, so were both my parents.  They passed down what they knew and my Dad never got to wake up because he died.  My Mum still rationalised her own mother’s beatings as explainable as due to her own misbehaviour and the fact my Grandmother was a frustrated single mother, a widow.   I am deeply ashamed to say that there are a few times I have punished my dog for weeing in my bedroom.  By some kind of curious synchronicity he did this yesterday for the first time in ages and I felt that old fury arise which was a lot like the fury my own mother used to express.   It would start with her nostrils being flared and we were then tensed and contracted in every muscle, scared for what would happen.  I am so sad to say at times I have enacted this on my own dog.  😦    But yesterday I didn’t do it.  I took him and put his nose gently in the mess and then told him I was upset (not that he can probably understand) and then I gave him a hug.  I got control over my own feelings of wanting to displace my own fury onto him and then I cried as I remembered everything, most especially why I felt the need to turn to the bottle and drugs.

Today I just see how infinitely sad and tragic the entire sorry mess has been.  I have found it so hard to separate from a mother who  herself was emotionally abandoned and when I think of the resentment I have been feeling lately at times I feel shame as my Mum has tried in other ways to support me in later years but I rejected her help as my traumatised child had not yet forgiven her.  She has never been able to own how difficult it was for us to live as we did growing up and as I look at myself and my other siblings I see we all carry the scars of this kind of pain in different ways but I know how my Mum now suffers in seeing us suffer and I must remember that she too suffered and learned to rationalise as a defence, something she does when I try to point certain painful truths out.  But the most important thing, as Alice Miller points out in all her books is that we know and believe our own deep emotional truth.

For myself I have almost been crippled by this pain.    When I ran to the other side of the world again 12 years ago only to smash up on my bike it was due to the fact of feeling overtaken by that furious unresolved family energy swooping down on me following the end of my marriage.  I abandoned my first therapy due to agonising fear, not being aware that was what drove the abortion of the first serious attempt I  had made to try to get to grips with my life and pain.  It would take me a further 13 years of wandering in a lost world and wilderness to find another therapist to stick it out with.   And even then at times I feel my therapist struggles to make sense of my body symptoms.

It is so sad to me to think that at 55 I am still by no means free of a painful childhood which has replayed its traumas and defeats.  But I am 23 years sober so that is a major achievement, but alcoholism was a symptom of a far deeper malaise and the real work starts with our sobriety which is then end of our numbing.  We embark on a long journey when we finally make that commitment to heal and its one that has deep roots which stretch back generations into my ancestors past.  The abandoned and traumatised or beaten child struggling alone against enormous obstacles is a vein that stretches back pumping its poison blood into the next generation until we take the steps to see what the nature of the poison is and how we can turn away from pumping it out there over and over and over and over again.  Staying bitter, angry and resentful will not bring final healing but feeling all of these difficult feelings is very much a part of the process.  Its a great paradox.  I am reminded that only prayer and turning the deep resentment toxin over to a higher larger stronger force than the mere human works when we come to the thorny issue of forgiveness.  We fore – give so we no longer re-enact the pain on ourselves and others.  Its a strong gesture of inner power that may only be reached after travelling over harsh, rocky landscapes of pain.

For me self nurture. self love and self compassion then projected out is the only way home, the only way to find freedom from this mess.  My body will carry its scars and my missing teeth are a testament to so much pain that was swallowed down and went mute only to be expressed in a blinding rage of fury which in biting down so hard only hurt me.  Somehow I need to find forgiveness and I do believe as Alice Miller writes that this can only come after we mourn our losses and injuries and face up to the truth and pain of what happened, naming it for what it is and seeing how much of it is a horrible mistake that in D H Lawrence’s eloquent words “mankind has chosen to sanctify”.  When we believe that by sparing the rod we spoil the child we buy into lies and some cuts and whippings go deeper than the physical they are the unkind words spoken to us or carried down that speak lies that we swallow wholesale and so tragically make our reality.   With every fibre of our being we must hold the wounded child, love the wounded child, champion the wounded child, help the wounded child to understand and not re-enact its own pain.  Let it begin with us, let us hate the actions but not the person of the perpetrator who in being so unconscious of what he or she is doing weaves a tragic outcome that takes all the healing love, empathy, consciousness and understanding in the world to change.

Alice 3

 

 

 

 

Understanding ourselves as empaths

I personally wish we would educate our children more about the most important things in life, self knowledge and acceptance being the absolute first priority.  Instead what happens in families and in schools?  We are taught fairly early on that we need to fit into the system and if we don’t the price is a judgement or a label or exile of some kind.  And this kind of shit can take years to wake up from.  Tell a child for so long that she has something wrong with her or is bad or evil or should feel ashamed for feeling and expressing certain emotions including anger and soon enough you have a shut down person who is in conflict with her own auto-immune system.  Pure and simple, people. You have raised a people pleaser, someone who has been educated not to trust her own gut instinct.  Punish him or her enough with words or gestures in invasion or invalidation abuse and you have someone who is carrying a pain body of fear and terror so deep down inside that it is barely conscious.   Then watch as the person in the absence of care and comfort, protection and support, empathy and understanding begins to turn to addictions and substance or other wounding people who keep him or her locked in a prison inside where every real, raw authentic emotional response is buried and then wait for the suppressed emotional charge to come calling like Vesuvius, possibly around age 21, 31 or 41 or even later for older generations.

All this goes double for empaths.  For those sensitive, awake, gifted, deeply intuitive children that arrive on this planet.  Psychological writer Alice Miller has devoted several books to this issue.  The first and most important being called The Drama of the Gifted Child.  In this book she explains the plight of such a child, raised in a family with a focus chronically turned outwards to ideals and standards and to parental needs, a family in which the true needs and character of the child lay unrecognised and even become invalidated in all kinds of ways.  The pain of this kind of lack of validation and recognition lives on deep within us,  as empaths in absence our own needs being met, we turn towards others to meet their needs, hoping that if we become good enough emotional witnesses, sponges and caretakers in some way our needs will be fulfilled and in a way they are to one degree, we at least get some kind of connection, but it may come at such a high price that we pay with our own cell tissue ultimately ending up with a chronic fatigue illness, cancer or other auto-immune problem.

And as well as this our empathy is even more heightened.  We become sponges of the shadow energies and we can begin to become the mops to clean it up.  I wonder too if this is how so many of us become ill in families.  What our hearts and minds cannot know or admit and our bodies cannot feel gets dumped in cell tissue.  Our cell tissue may be literally vibrating with sensed or absorbed charge.

Presence to energy stored as trapped or dumped emotion is the only way I see out of this dilemma.   Just such a process is spoken of in great deal in Michael Brown’s book The Presence Process.  One thing he doesn’t seem to discuss though is how as empaths we can pick up the charge from others from their energy field, it will then trigger something in our energy field we must process.  We need to be aware when we are with others as empaths of what we are picking up. Is it ours? Does it resonate on some level?  What does our inner child have to say and feel about it?  Where is the inner critic messing up our compass or leading us astray with what it may be telling us?  Also have we, by a process of psychic contagion been picking up negative thought forms of others without them having to say a word?

This is where todays blog ends, it has been pretty much stream of consciousness about what has been arising today and what I am sensing and learning.  If we are empathic, if we have known pain and trauma we have high geared emotional antenna.  We need to learn to use it well, so that as empaths we are not debilitated and so we don’t become numb to our own unintegrated emotions from childhood still trying to work through us. In an increasingly disconnected and shut down world we also have to be aware of who we turn to when in distress, for others may lack the capacity to relate to the depth of our suffering, if they have not a clue what empaths suffer and can carry in the unconscious for years and possibly even over generations.

 

Happy Daze

Child

Dazed in happiness

I am sugar coated in smiles

These are not the fake smiles

Of pretending I am doing fine

These genuine smiles of sunshine radiance

Suppressed so long along in a childhood where

I had to numb/dumb down

Be seen and never heard

But also not to be seen or take up space

Life was for adults bent on serious fun

That didn’t involve childhood joy

But now these smiles that light up my face

Are the solar beam of my hearts’ radiance

Falling free from my mouth

And lighting my eyes from deep inside

I am home in the place that is truly me

The space I vacated long ago

And learned to cover over

When I learned that joy and exuberance

Was to be feared

Was a sign of mania

Bah!!

Funereal black hooded nun devils

You cut off all joy and told us what was juicy and raw

Was all evil

Turning living backwards

Shoving it deep down inside us

Making us believe lies

Bullshit!

Joy is what you naturally feel

When your heart is awake

And your soul is on fire

And you body is alive

When you can say

With every fibre of your being

This is me

No apology

No argument

This smile is real

And your negativity

Can’t take it away from me!

Finding a home within our own hearts : reflections on family, dependency and therapy

The more time I spend with family lately the more damaged I see they are with dependency and attachment issues, just like me.  Last night we went to a rare dinner put on by family friends and I saw so much more about my family I had not fully seen before and today I woke up with this realisation.  I can no longer look for nurturing in my family I have to find it outside and deep within my own heart.   It was a dark cold winter morning and I cuddled up to my dog Jasper for one of the first mornings in weeks as I cried while stroking his soft fur.  I realised how once I was like him, totally dependent and with a lot of needs, needs for food, for comfort, for protection, for shelter.  On some levels I had this but what I realised last night, in childhood no one really saw me deep inside in my emotional self, everyone was there going through the motions, so caught up in outside business concerns and it was all about duty and work and presenting a good front to the world and also about serving others and their needs.

When I was 5 just a few years after my oldest sister married and left Australia my Mum and brother ran a restaurant, so I was without a Mum at home six nights a week.  I remember many years ago my godmother sharing how shocked she was that Mum could leave my sister and I six nights a week, but she was just repeating a family pattern.  My other sister was sharing last night how she went to the restaurant on Saturdays and took the bookings, when she was about 13, I also went to work in the family business at the same age.  As I sat there looking at and listening to my sister last night I was struck my how much of her own self has been swallowed down, she eats and eats and eats and eats while I have a problem trusting that I can digest my own food.    I was on some level filled with compassion for my sister and for all of us.

On the other side of me Mum was sharing about her own inner loneliness and about how none of the family show any interest in the country where my Dad was from.  My nephew is off on a huge European holiday which involves a 900 km cycling tour, they are leaving their daughter behind alone in Australia and I remember my parents did the same when I was only 16, the age my grandniece is now.  They will be close to Holland but made not attempt to contact relatives there.   Then it occurs to me that Dad went back to Holland only a few times after he left and never wanted to spend much time there, he wanted to be far away, so in many ways my nephew is acting naturally out of the unconscious past he carries from my father.

I then logged on to read such a powerful blog on dependency and therapy.  I am interested about how many people are sharing about this issue at present.  I think it has to with Mars being in Cancer the sign of need, emotions, attachment, mothering and dependency.  It is very hard for us to admit the inner child’s longing and need to depend when so long ago we were taught that we needed to deny these longing and needs and or defend against them.   However much we deny such needs as well as the pain of having them shamed, devalue or unmet, we take them with us into each new relationship and the therapy relationship is usually the most important one where we get to examine them in the light of transference and counter transference.

I broke my first serious attempt at therapy after my therapist took a month long break, at that stage deep pain was opening up and I was overloaded.  I ended the therapy and moved back home to Australia.  I then was lucky enough to be referred to a therapist who told me this.  He said to me “Deborah with the degree of damage you have gone through you need a therapist who will be there for you 24/7.  A lot of therapists don’t operate in this way but for you, this is what you need.”  Unfortunately that therapist was not in the town I lived in but in the years I survived without therapy (due to fear) he was always open to talking to me on the phone whenever I needed, he never abandoned me.

I have in the past been abandoned by therapists at times when I really needed their support, turns out they had their own limits and boundaries that did not work for me.  In the end I found my current therapist and I don’t have as many demands of her, I know I can hold but I also know when I need to let the deep pool of rising feeling or insight flow out into her mind in order to be washed over and contained for a while, we need this, especially if as young ones we were left alone holding enormous undigested feelings as is the case in those of us who suffer from borderline issues and deeper narcissistic injury.  We should not feel ashamed for needs that as children we had to hold back out of deference to parents who didn’t know how to cope with ours.    Our therapists need to be strong containers for us, for deep old feelings we hold from younger times can be powerful and deeply threatening for some therapists.  We need to be wise in choosing our therapist.   Once we find the unconditional support we are able to feel held and in being held we are learning how to hold ourselves and find a home for all we feel deep with our own, we learn to trust ourselves and to know that even painful feelings we may have been shamed for are so essential to our wholeness.

Lately I ask my heart to open wide enough to encompass all of what I feel.  I tell the shaming inner critic to get off the back of my inner child and take a hike,  I feel the love that my therapist has consistently shown me being mirrored back.  It has been a very long journey to get to this point and from deep within my heart I see that others too hold such damage and suffer their own inner critic often feeling lonely deep inside but not always realising it and I hope for them to find the love both within and without from consistent reliable people who will help them to know that everything they know and feel deep makes sense and matters, even fear of depending.

400 followers : some reflections on darkness, light, anger, love and pain

Fear of the Dark

I cannot believe that today I had a 400th follow…. At times I question what I write.  I know how I have struggled with the darkness, sadness and fear inside of me and often the inner critic who I named ‘Mr A’ in previous post is on my back or whispering in my ear that its not okay, that I should be stronger or more sorted or brighter or more positive than I can feel on some days.  Often it’s only when I get to therapy which is a space where I feel fully seen and accepted and held do I get to see if I have gone off base or have been missing the mark with some of the things I have been writing.

Today I am really seeing and feeling how my past has limited me and kept a brace around my heart of old hurts that could not really burst the confines of things.  I am sure over the years many of those 400 followers have fallen away and I know at times I have gone over and over and over and over old ground but that as we were discussing in therapy today is purpose of becoming conscious, seeing the way in which old patters driven by deep wounds in the dark of the unconscious may be fuelling the compulsion to repeat or feelings of not being ‘good enough’ or deserving enough.

And what past trauma that hasn’t been unpacked or depotentised does to us is that it keeps us pinned to a dark sticking place that attaches our consciousness most often to negative world views and can shatter any sense of hope we have for something better…. colouring everything dark.  We do need to go over and over and over our trauma story until things become clearer and the need to feel the impact not just intellectualise it is imperative.  With each revolution or working through more is revealed and we understand more deeply than we could before when the truth was hidden and we were closer or too immersed in forces that shaped us unconsciously.  New triggers are necessary for us to understand earlier pains, reactions or losses.

Katina and I were discussing shame and guilt in therapy today.  I have a lot of shame and feelings of fear of being found lacking or good enough which I carried from a young age.  My drinking was an attempt to shut the negative feelings and fears and voices down.  It only worked for a time but then they would come back with a vengeance.  Also critical times of others failing to show empathy did not help me to throw off these ‘not good enough’ shackles.  All I can say is thank God for therapy, there are least for a time I get a reprieve and a reality check.  Today what came out of our discussion was how much I really have worked and how much I have to give others in terms of being present and able to hold them when they are going through dark times.  Lately my Mum has been opening up to me because she knows all the work I do in therapy and deep down inside she longs to be able to talk to someone and break the family pattern of locking it all up inside.  This talking about things and being present is a positive gift that I have to give others and it does me and others no service if I don’t honour it.  I didn’t get 400 follows because I write ‘shit’, Mr A!!

Today I had a lovely surprise, a message from my second cousin in Holland who visited briefly in January.   I actually met him on the day I got Michael Brown’s book the Presence Process and it seems he is involved in emotional release work of his own at present and was reaching out to offer me help with trapped emotions.  I told him of the work I have been doing in recovery and therapy with my emotions.   Maybe he reached out to me because when he was here I shared with him how I gave up opportunities to live far from home due to my dead sister’s disability and as usual I may have been strong in showing my vulnerable self but also not really honouring how much I have learned and grown as a result.

And it seems to me that lately I need to be acknowledging my power as much as my past powerlessness, for when we choose to face things instead of covering them up and admit our vulnerability there is power we find in and through that.  The prospect of going to visit Europe next year is a hopeful one, for I will feel even stronger after I face the current dental challenges which will take about 3 or more months.

Today I also logged on to Facebook to see photos of two sets of grand niece and nephews birthday images.  These are the grandchildren of my beautiful passionate sister Judith who died 3 years ago and the twins who are 3 today were born just a month after Jude died in 2014.  I cried silently to see how much of her beautiful lively energy they carry and to recognise how the essence of a spirit no matter how damaged or wounded lives on in their children and grandchildren.  I then felt a bit sad for me that I was never able to fully heal in time to be able to bring any of my six children to birth, yet at the same time I realised that in the sadness was also a deeper acceptance as really my work over the past 22 years of recovery has involved bringing my own inner spirit to birth, life and full expression at least partially free of past crippling repressions and feelings of impotence and powerlessness  Getting that inner child of hiding free from shame and shadows that possessed or almost smothered her for years is essential work and I am well underway.

I felt the strong uprising of Leo energy today and have lost track to a degree of where the planets are at present, only know the North Node is now beginning to transit Leo and that is the point of spiritual increase.  Leos energy rules the vital part of myself that is full of joy and creative potential that I never fully got to manifest.  I see that firey, creative spirit most especially in my grand niece,  I think of all the limits and blocks on her energy my now dead older sister encountered, due in many ways to the time she was born in and what my parents endured.  Her spirit never went free until she died but her descendants carry part of it forward.   And despite all the struggles that young ones can go through these kids have loving protective parents who care enough to be emotionally available and have been fortunate enough to find loving partners who support them through emotional and mental health struggles.

It is cause for happiness to know that love can come out of pain and that the next generation does not need to pass down wounds from the former if we can just bring enough consciousness and awareness to bear.  I am so looking forward to visiting when my dental work is all done and I am feeling well enough.

Just moments before writing this post I had heard about the terrorist attack in Manchester and I thought of how separatist the wounded ego is. It wants to kill, it wants to hurt, it wants to attack, it wants to defend, it wants to maim, and when we bow down to or allow that separatist force to dominate our vital moving spirit of love, peace, joy and freedom is imprisoned. And sadly in this attack that pain has all been dumped on children who were freely trying to enjoy a happy time.

Fear blocks the love that wants to move forward to embrace, express and live, anger that has not yet learned the part wounded love or absence of love played in driving or shaping or fuelling it becomes a destructive force, sadly, a force we so badly need to harness and channel towards the positive.

We do live in complex and painful times where hatred and anger and pain have the ability to divide us and separate us off from love and in these times we have to do such work to keep reaching for hope, for love, for joy, for connectivity and for positivity.

For the light entered the darkness and the darkness knew it not.  Or the light penetrated the darkness and in revealing all the dark places made us more aware and more conscious so that we did not have to fear the dark as much.  Perhaps it is only the darkness that isn’t brought to light that causes problems.   Demons and ghosts can live in those dark places and attach to thing we cannot see there growing and growing more painful and destructive in the dark shadows, but also longing for the light.  Pain and suffering makes us aware of what has been buried, hidden or lost so that we can grieve and open our hearts wider to what is hidden it the dark and liberate what lives there from the shadows and count our blessings for what is left, and in the end it is the attitude that we take towards the dark which determines in the end if light and wisdom will prevail or the dark forces will try to eat us alive.