I couldn’t even log on to WordPress yesterday. I have not had one of those killer days that leaves me feeling like my body won’t function and my mind is in hock for some time now and I guess the only light I saw yesterday when I was in that deepest of dark spaces was shone by the part of me that saw how far I had come before my recent dental surgery in that in the past year I can count on one hand those days of darkness and despair, where as in the years before they were frequent and often crippling.
Yesterday the crush was back. People who don’t suffer from Complex PTSD or depression never understand what an all encompassing prison it is, nor how powerful are the physical effects. It was interesting to hear an interview yesterday with a woman who has written a book on pain which speaks of how difficult it is in modern times for us to find powerful language for pain. In years gone by pain was less feared and shunned as it is in modern times, people expressed pain metaphorically through poetry and other mediums, but in modern times when both physical and emotional pain has reached epidemic proportions what this woman has found is that we struggle to express pain and also we struggle to have it heard. We are asked what scale of pain we are experiencing on a 1 to 10 spectrum. We distance ourselves from the crushing reality of it with numbers which objectify what is a total spectrum experience that can overpower so many of us and affects us so profoundly and wordlessly on every single dimension of our being and experience.
The sad thing her research also found it that the more deeply you experience pain both physical and psychological, the less you are helped. Often people are shunned if they are grieving or suffering psychologically or in pain. Is it that others fear other’s pain will kill or contaminate them in some way? Is pain now a modern leprosy?
The truth is that if we have suffered pain and suffer pain we fare better if we can communicate about it and be shown empathy. This power of empathy to alter neurochemistry is something I drew attention to in a post last week.
As I write this I am also aware how hard deep pain is to articulate well. Poetry or stream of consciousness writing are two forms in which through metaphor writers and sufferers try to articulate what Van Morrison has called ‘the inarticulate speech of the heart’. Much of the appeal of the WordPress blogging community for me is that here others whose souls have been drenched in pain of different kinds make the attempt to reach out and share that deep distress or pain. Often poems and blogs I read resonate with me so deeply in a way beyond which even therapy helps at times.
As a blogger I know how much I have feared at times sharing deep pain on my blog. It has been hard to post those posts in which a lot of frustration fury and anger with my family’s lack of feeling and empathy with deeper emotional realities has caused me. Often I have felt great fear and then the inner critic has lept in and made me take blogs down. But the price of staying silent and keeping it shut in, often in the end proves too high. I always feel better if I can give expression in some form to my own pain.
Yesterday wasn’t one of those days. I wasn’t capable of much. I think I was reliving yesterday every single crushing injury, invalidation and painful experience of my life, culminating with the piece de resistance, the removal of my front tooth that supported a four tooth bridge, now gone, never to be seen again just over 10 days ago. Yesterday I was contemplating the steps to take to get my affairs in order to shift off this mortal coil finally. It’s not something I felt I could share yesterday, as I didn’t want to ‘disappoint’ my followers, having recently read a post in which someone said they could not read posts that discussed suicide as an intention.
However in the interests of honesty and authenticity, that was where I found myself yesterday, in a dark deep and wordless place in which inarticulate pain had nearly buried me alive. Beyond sharing that today, I don’t have any other words. I have shared so much of my pain on here and I really prefer not to be in pain, as we all do, and yet at times that is where I am returned, a modern Jonah swallowed deep inside the belly of a whale sunk, deep, deep down to the bottom of a murky ocean. At those times I can only hold fast inside, hoping in time the whale will resurface and I will find myself, head above water and able once again to gain sight of blue sky or dry land.