Why intimacy brings up pain for neglected adult children

If we were never emotionally connected to or nurtured in childhood, in adulthood we are left with the most terrible emptiness and pain.  Therapist Pete Walker calls this ‘the abandonment melange’ and its also called abandonment depression.  Many of us, before we get to therapy or get awareness around our early attachment wounds fly blind with such a wound which in recovery circles is often referred to as ‘the hole in the soul.’  Trouble was when I was in AA I was led to believe I was born with this wound not that I developed it in the context of early relationships, that is an awareness I have had to painstakingly grow and allow to emerge out of great pain and disaster in later relationships including forcing my ex husband to carry some of what I was unconscious of for years, another wounding its taken me some years to realise and forgive myself for.

Now that I am making a heart centred connection with a partner who is emotionally available to me I find at times this wound is being stirred up in me more and more due to the situation he is in where he has to be out of contact for a lot of the time.  I realised yesterday that I acted out some of my disappointment at not being able to connect with him due to mutual cross scheduling  by making some nasty comments about his ex wife.  He took them in his stride and there may have been a bit of truth to what I said but never the less I found myself dismayed with how I had reacted to him leaving for patrol and not being able to speak.

I shot off a few angry texts including one saying how I hated him for being in the situation he is in and putting me through it then waited anxiously and received a very loving reply back about 6.30 last night which soothed my fears.  However I noticed the same reaction starting up this morning when I missed him again and he failed to respond to a text I sent last njght.  I see I am reacting at the moment because I have never really allowed myself to be as vulnerable with a partner as I am being in this relationship and because he is giving me EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED AND NEVER GOT FROM EITHER PARENT.  At times it awakens great grief, anxiety and fear as well as warmer feelings.

Luckily I was reading through another bloggers blog on this subject as well as Foreboding Joy (the term Brene Brown gives to allowing ourselves to gain pleasure from something that is a source of great desire only to thwart it with thoughts of doom)  a short while ago and I came across this paragraph which really shone a light on my current situation.

I told T (her therapist) that it confused me that getting what I have always wanted caused me such a lot of pain (and joy, admittedly) and T explained that having deep, childhood, unmet needs – met was VERY painful.  She said getting what you’ve always wanted can cause awful sadness and pain.  I didn’t understand that.  T said that this was one of the reasons that therapists had to be so careful not to “overdo it”.  She said that them overdoing it could cause us more pain! T said “this is why although I understand you want more reassurance and warmth in my emails, it is important that I am very careful”…

Both of my parents are incapable of emotional closeness with me and I craved that so very much all of my life. It hurts me a lot to really realise that neither of my parents gave me the connection and emotional closeness that they should have – could have.  But understanding it wasn’t me, my fault, that helps to ease some shame.  It makes me so determined to never repeat that pattern with my own children. Also, it makes me determined to never waste time with anyone who isn’t able to tolerate emotional closeness again. I only hurt myself trying to change them. I guess I was trying to “right a wrong”.  Trying to finally “get” an emotionally distant guy.  To change the ending of that childhood story where I never did “get” either mum or dad.

Source:

https://unpackingthesuitcaseblog.wordpress.com/2017/10/25/neediness-lack-of-warmth-fear-of-annihilation-re-experiencing-pain/#comments

Those two paragraphs could have been written by me.  I realise in this relationship I am given all the things I longed for, love, respect, attention, affection, unconditional positive regard, kindness, empathy and love.  At times I find myself crying when I receive these things from Scott but at times I can find myself wanting to shut it down as well.   It scares me at times to see there is a part of me that may try to sabotage this relationship but reading this particular blog again today nearly a year later big lights came on for me.  Today I told Scott I will be more careful what I say when I feel disappointed or left alone at times, the way I react comes out of a craving for connection and love (and a deeper unconscious grief and anger I am carrying at emotionally unavailable parents)  the last thing I want to do is destroy that.. the best thing that has happened to me in years and years and years.

The wall of pain : reflections on trauma, healing, in-rage and out-rage.

I just read a comment from a new follower about trying to support a child who had been molested. My heart went deeply out to the mother but also to her daughter.   I was thinking about how much anger there is which comes from the deep sense of outrage a soul feels at being violated.  I believe there are natural laws of love, support, connection and protection which the soul in a body needs to be raised in a healthy way and grow a peaceful sense of self.  Often these are ripped apart due to the wounding of others.  We may have been so powerless over this wounding at the time and the result is a sense of deep rage or protest in the soul that can manifest in all kinds of destructive ways.  If we truly want to help others heal we have to be prepared to survive the onslaught of outrage and anger that needs to be expressed and find ways to contain it so that love and need and deep grief underlying it can break through.  It is not easy for anyone involved and empathy is the central ingredient!

The alternative when we have been violated is that out-rage becomes in-rage and we direct it towards the self and damage or self harm in some way.  This acting in is a huge part of so called ‘borderline’ conditions and may take the form of self harm like cutting or addiction or promiscuity which are just ways the soul tries to find to correct the deficits and express the truth of the pain.

A positive ‘holding’ environment is so important for those who were traumatised in relationship because then the entire issue of relating becomes difficult for the person and they are defences erected against it, necessary defences that enabled the person to survive such a damaging situation.  Such defences need to be dismantled slowly and the thought distortions due to lack of trust that developed to protect and keep the person ‘safe’ worked through over a long period.

In support groups such as Al Anon when my justified anger towards my parents was expressed, I was actively shut down by a couple of group members several times.  I also saw this done to another two people there.  Luckily during this time I finally found a good therapist and was able to work through my outrage at this further censoring.  (I have shared about it in my blog.)  I left the group as it wasn’t a truly supportive place for me.  I may have had more success in expressing all of that in AA with other survivors but even there I did not always feel safe and I needed professional support.

Anger and rage at times may seem over the top to those who have not been traumatised and cannot imagine what it is to live in that territory, but they are valid feelings which have a right to exist and need over time to be transformed so that deeper feelings that lie underneath can come to light.  Healing is a journey and a process and one in which we need to show love, empathy, support, encouragement, compassion and understanding to the survivor. They are not ‘mad’ (in the sense of crazy though they act this way) just carrying justifiable anger, an anger that is needed to mobilise their healing and the growth of healthy boundaries in which all feelings can be experienced and digested.

The rage of the survivor kept them safe.  It will need to be expressed and surrendered in the healing.  Support, love, compassion, empathy but also good boundaries on the part of the one who may be attacked are important too so as to recognise what his happening.

Turning back to face myself

Child 2.jpg

I have been reflecting on my experience today in yoga class of my inner child looking this way and that, towards others, hoping to be seen and then of the sad feeling that came when there was really no one to connect to from my deep feelings.  I became aware of a pattern of looking outward when I needed to turn my gaze back within.   I had the revelation in the active imagination today that I need to turn the child’s face back towards me, the adult.  I am no longer a child but the inner child in me can often be abandoned by that inner adult the one whose true responsibility it is to take care of this inner child.

I am aware that after some years of becoming more and more conscious of my anger towards my mother for what I didn’t get I am now moving past that anger to the grief that was underneath it.  I could not really feel the true grief if I was always reacting in anger towards the person who due to her own limits could not give to me what I needed. I  can see that my Mum gets really annoyed when I try to point out any grief about certain things.  We had a huge fight five or so years ago about it and I swore at her.  She told me to leave her house and so I drove for four hours through the night to the next major town and slept in my car, I was homeless as my ex had just broken off the relationship a few weeks before while I was visiting my Mum.  I had no home to  go to, and this all happened on the anniversary of my father’s death, it was extremely traumatic.  I couldn’t go back to my mother’s place for some months, until things became badly unstuck in the town.  I was engaged in a fruitless battle with my Mum for recognition and attention of my emotions.  Now that I have a good therapist that recognition has come, and my therapist has made clear to me that while she can support me, it is up to me to feel my feelings, she consistently affirms that my feelings make sense, even though often I have been told they don’t.

I was not sure for so many years of how I was using various addictions to run from these feelings and due to my difficulty with making sense of feelings.  When I attend any AA meetings (and this is rarer these days) I often hear others share how much difficulty they have in feeling and staying with painful feelings.  Often they judge themselves for natural feelings, or substitute certain feelings for other primary feelings.  Today I feel I am making progress.  I am really making progress in being a better mother to myself and understanding that I do have the power to contain my own feelings and make sense of them..

Today when I realised I needed to turn back towards myself I think I made a big step forward in my recovery.  I am also recognising I feel less painful symptoms in my body when I find a home there for myself in which I can be fully alive to and receptive towards all my feelings and meet them in a tender way and allow them to diffuse instead of build, escalate and magnify.  With the capacity to tolerate difficult emotions, the capacity to experience the positive ones increases too and I start to feel a real sense of homecoming and peace.  This for me is what emotional recovery means.

 

 

Safe To Say : Liberating ourselves from repression through recovering our lost self expression and self assertion.

How safe do you feel to say what you need to say or feel to be true?

When I was growing up didn’t feel safe to express how I really felt.  I was used to hiding a lot of things that I did wrong, because I had learned I wasn’t able to depend on support or understanding.  Recently I read the following comment here : https://anupturnedsoul.wordpress.com/2015/02/05/a-must-read-on-npd-narcissism-living-without-feelings/

“growing up with narcissists, I learned fairly early on that I was not allowed to express myself in any way at all unless it was in a way the narcissists wanted me to do so (and even that could be wrong). If I expressed myself in a way which upset them (which is easy helped to do and pretty much everything can upset them, trigger them and get you shot because of it), then there was censorship hell to pay for it. They need control more than they need air, food, or other vital things for basic survival. I learned to shut up and listen (with more than just the ears). But that too could be perceived as a threat by them.”

Reading this helped to make sense of the continual questioning and deliberation that goes on within my head as I argue with myself about my right to feel what I need to feel and say what I need to say. It can all get very tangled inside my head when this is going on.  So many questions about how others will react if I say something especially insights I have into the depths of things.

It was a number of years ago I became more conscious of this hyper-vigilance I experienced and then I met a narcissist and outbursts and emotional cut offs could be the consequence of expressing myself in a way that challenged him.  Today I see the parallels with early relationships.

A while back after my eldest sister died I came across some letters she had saved that my mother wrote when I was a young child. The clear thing that came out of reading those letters for me was the realisation that my mother just did not get me, that her ability to empathise and link into her youngest daughter’s mind, emotions, heart and need for self expression was severely limited. I know this in many ways was a result of her own lonely childhood, a childhood in which she had to learn to be quiet, hide her fear and loneliness and had next to no validation.

Lately I have come to see, after a very long and painful journey of trying and failing to be seen by significant others that I have put in mother type roles that it was not my fault that my mother just did not get me and that that earliest relationship, as well as the one with my father who remained silent in the face of abuse set me up for painful relationships. I had no caring siblings to turn to either, in fact my closest sister who was 8 years older was fairly nasty a lot of the time.  My elder sister who was kind left home after marrying and moving overseas when I was three.

Somewhere along the way growing up I came to believe I was not good enough, that things were my fault which actually were the result of a faulty upbringing and stressful and traumatic incidents occuring at key developmental transitions. I cannot note down here all the significant failures that have mirrored these earliest ones, which set up a blue print for my life and relationships and for shame. But I can say now, that after having gone through about five significant failures within the same lesson or pattern in the past three years where significant others have tried to re-shame me, I am now able to recognise what is hurtful and safe and what is affirming and frees my spirit.

Having affirmation from certain people both online and in my life over the past two years has helped me to recognise the earlier empathetic failures for what they were, outside of my power to control and not caused by me.

I must say that sadly as part of my own difficulties when I was struggling during my late 20s and early 30s I got caught up in the New Age movement for a long time. I actually now recognise that at that time I was working for a narcissistic boss within the New Age industry. It was around the time I went through the Saturn return and was gettting into more and more problems with alcohol.. I was not yet aware of the difficult part lack of affirmation and just downright suppression of who I was as an individual by significant others had played in my life, but I was being driven unconsciously by these wounds into more and more painful relationships and so I was desperately reaching for answers. But some of the answers of that movement were that I had chosen abuse for myself.

I no longer believe this to be true. I now see it as an outgrowth of multi-generational woundings and legacy. I now know that victims do exist and we can and are victimised by forces beyond our control playing out both personally and collectively. Sadly many abusers have an investment in us remaining victims and in blaming us for things that are outside of our control, we even do it to ourselves as a result of being victimised. It is part of the way abusers operate and this idea stops the victim from knowing they were a victim and getting angry enough to moblise the energy to bust out of the pattern and reclaim our own power. And at one level although I don’t believe we chose it, we can learn from it and turn the wound into a blessing.

Often for those of us scapegoated and conditioned to be submissive, taught to fear our own anger and aggressive/assertive impulses, power only comes with the capacity to get angry enough to throw off victimhood and hold up the psychic shield to poison and projections.

Quite a few years back following the end of my marriage and an accident in which I had suffered a head injury while boarding with a family who were emotionally abusive I went for an astrology reading with Melanie Reinhardt. As part of the session she told me about a book by Peter Levine, who has done extensive research into trauma in animals and how this relates to trauma in humans. The book is called Waking the Tiger and in it he calls attention to the need of the traumatised animal to mobilise aggression in the face of threat in order shake off entrapment.

A large part of depression in vicitmised people, those who have been abused or traumatised, is that our instinctive impulse to lash out has been demonised, stifled or suppressed or it is judged not as a symptom  of a desire for freedom,  health and recovery, but as a symptom of a disease or mental illness.  I have always been drawn to the understandings of such therapists as James Hillman and Thomas Moore who see in the symptom not evidence of malaise but signs of the soul telling us about the nature of the wound and need for healing.

Recently I have been reading the book Animal Madness by Laurel Braitman. In it there are some very interesting stories of animals taken from the wild who then rebelled against the abuse of their captors, in some case taking lives or causing permanent wounds.

One of the saddest stories is of Tip, the Asian elephant donated to the city of New York by a circus owner, Adam Forepaugh. Five years into his incaceration within the Central Park elephant house, Tip began to display violent behavior directed towards abusive trainers and captors. The public began to call for Tip’s death and he was deemed to be “mad”. In the end Tip was executed.

Braitman writes :

“(Tip) was deemed mad not because he was rabid or demonstrably insane but because he acted violently toward the men who sought to control him, keep him in chains, and diminish his sensory, social, physical, and emotional world to a small barn. His badness caused his madness, his madness cemented his badness. Tip was a victim of the human tendency to punish what we misunderstand or fear.” P. 71.

Tip’s remains now lie in the American Museum of Natural History. I could not help but identify with Tip’s story. I felt an outrage for him, as I feel at times so much of a longing for the wild self within that has integrity at the core and knows deep down the truth of what is needed, what got thwarted and frustrated and which has suffered amidst psychic abusers the painful consequences of lashing : being demonised further.

I saw this pattern in my eldest sister’s life, who ended her days in an institution. I have lived the pain too of trapped immobility in which true feelings and felt needs had to be repressed and I have felt the freedom that comes with the mobilisation of expressing, assertion and aggression that when operating in allegiance to the True Self enables us to liberate ourselves from confinement.

I have witnessed silencing of his impulse in loved ones, the burying of it deep inside the belly with meds designed to blunt the truth, to numb the rebel yell that would have brought freedom as it struck fear into the hearts of those who wanted certain truths and realities silenced or extinguished.

The capacity to mobilise our own assertive impulses and express our truth which may have been buried or atrophied after years of invalidation or abuse is so essential to our birth as individuals, we need our rebel yell to break free of unhealthy enmeshment with those who may have unconscious investment in denying aspects of a self that may threat or confront them.  And so, unsafe as it feels at times to say what we need to say, we must somehow find the courage to sound out our voice and challenge those who would silence us.

The price of speaking our truth may at times lead to exile.  In mythology the scapegoat is sent into the desert with the sins of the collective on its head.  In reality the sin of the collective may be the shadow qualities that could not be accepted or expressed beyond the bounds of what controlling forces deemed acceptable.

In a family in which feelings are denied or hidden, it is the passionate one who will be demonised.  I witnessed this scapegoating caper playing out last week.  I finally understood why the demonised person had needed to be as detached as she was. And why many years ago she advised me to get far away. But critical lessons have come for me with not running, with facing into the heart of the dark dynamics because enmeshment must be broken in the place we stand, and true psychic and emotional separation cis not necessarily always obtained with distance.

As I tune in with my minds eye while writing I see an image of Saturn bearing a scythe  standing on the right hand side of my inner child, holding her hand.  I am alone on one level and cannot return to what was once cosy because Saturn is asking for something to be cut away.  The sacred cows of  psychic blindness must be slaughtered and comfortable cosy enmeshment sacrificed.  I dreamed this image in a dream many years ago in a deep dark meadow in England many slaughtered cows lay on the ground.

Breaking free of the fear of censure and ostracism that often is the price of living true to our core, and releasing the projection of shame that does not belong to us is a journey we who may have been scapegoated must face.  Exile may  be necessary for a time from places, groups and family members who cannot allow the shadow qualities a place .  It may even have been our task to carry that energy.  Healing comes with the recognition that exile is the beginning of a journey to a new land in which we will discover the freedom of being released from a confining straight jacket which bound us up too tightly.

Transforming that which is difficult through showing mercy towards it

I had to take a day or two off from Word Press after the pain of late last week.  I had to do some deep soul searching and want I found is that like many humans I have some deep wounds inside myself that I carry.  When those wounds trigger others wounds and nasty words are said there is a toxic aftermath that goes on in my body, almost like fighting off an infection and its not just a metaphorical reality it really happens kicking around inside of me and making me feel like I have a low grade flu.

In any case there is a chance I actually have had an infection in one of my teeth for some time. Just before my breast cancer surgery in March last year, I broke the veneer off one of the teeth on the bridge which is four teeth wide and covers the space where I lost one and a half teeth in my accident in 1979.  I have needed two reconstructions on the bridge one in 1998 and on in 2010.  Now I have been informed I will most likely only be possibly able to sustain a bridge for up to 5 years. Its either implants after that or a denture.  And I am not having implants due to major PTSD from a head trauma of 2005 which still means I never sleep through the night but often wake up 2 to 4 times during the night.  I am just not up for it.

On Monday I go in to have an infection in one of the teeth cleared out and a temporary bridge fitted.  I am a bit apprehensive but not as fearful as I was going into major dental work about 5 and then  3 years ago.  I am no longer avoiding as much as I do and I am facing up to my PTSD and fears.  And despite that apprehension there has been the deeper pain over the clash I had with a fellow blogger which just made me very, very sad over the weekend.

I know by now the best thing to do is to take care of myself when I am hurting.  I am sure the other person was hurting too.  I tried to make my amends by email and it wasn’t responded to which I am fine about.  Taking a 10th step inventory I apologised for my part but discussing it all with my therapist yesterday she said that a lot of the nasty things said to me were not fair or even true.   It was very much like when my ex partner and I broke up around this time of year 6 years ago.  Painful things were said to me when he devalued and then discarded me. There was no possibility of repair and that as my therapist said does tend to leave a person in a frustrated place.

I have been grieving and then letting myself just be low to ground so I am moving through it. Today my dog Jasper perhaps sensing I needed a break didn’t come to the car when we were due to go to the park, instead he gratefully let me go out alone and so I went and got a lovely cup of coffee and sat under the big old trees in my local neighbourhood shops and drank it, after that I went out to lunch and then bought myself two books, one a novel and the second a poetry anthology of poems to ease stress.  I was so soothed by the first two poems I read in it today that I then sat down and wrote 3 poems myself.

This latest set back which happened at a time when I was really starting to feel happy and supported by others, did make me feel suicidal for a few days but I have come through it now.  I am grateful that over the past two days I have been able not to be so inwardly self critical.  I am seeing how criticism from others perhaps mirrors inner self criticism and it seems to me that in this social media focused world we currently find ourselves in there is just SO MUCH CRITICISM on any day.  To be honest I am jack of it.  I see how the critic can hurt and wound, how it is never satisfied and often doesn’t see things realistically anyway  one of my favourite quotes is by Oscar Wilde and it says

A critic is someone who knows the cost of everything

And the value of nothing

Focus on inwardly or outwardly directed criticism costs too much and it forgets what is good and has value with its endless focus on the negative, seeing the glass as half empty instead of half full. It goes along with a perfectionistic mindset that does not allow any tenderness or mercy for humanity, foibles, mistakes, error or wounds or anything else outside of its black/white view.  Getting a handle on how and why it operates in this way is essential for all of us but most especially for those of us who suffer from Complex PTSD.

This afternoon I am off to do some reading again and take a gentle time at home alone.  I need to practice tenderness, love and kindness in every moment at the moment.

Introspection on my inner world and the Leo Lunar Eclipse

Life constantly brings change, yet eclipses always demarcate a period of accelerated change with synchronous endings and beginnings.  New relationships, attractions, experiences, and work opportunities appear seemingly out of nowhere with full force of manifestation, surprising us with their dramatic entrance into our surface reality.  Eclipses are also mysterious portals that hold profound shifts in the enfoldment of our destiny, as many of the changes signified by an eclipse are happening under the surface and not immediately observable in the surrounding period of the lunation.  We stand at the crossroads during eclipses bidding farewell to aspects of identity that can require grieving, while simultaneously welcoming exciting new experiences and relationships that need to be integrated into one’s life.

Any kind of interpersonal conflict tends to make me introspective.  I have become more aware lately of how my amygdala or emotional brain so quickly kicks into gear at certain events and I am highly reactive, most often in an intensely emotional way.  I was reading today how we can carry a balloon of traumatic life events which tends to blow out at times making rude noises and getting out of control.   The writer was saying how therapy helps us to let some air out of the balloon gently and slowly.  This really struck me.   I seem to get triggered in a big way and then I see later once the dust has settled I may have not seen the other person clearly, nor understood the emotional nuances.  This is where a 11th step inventory or introspection can help which works as well as or in tandem with therapy or feedback from objective sources outside the conflict.  Still it is left to me to try to dig deeply and examine my own as well as the other’s part in the conflict.

At the same time when people say negative things about me its hard to brush it off.  They tend to lodge deep in my heart,  I have no filters at all.  I turn into a crying mess.  Apparently according to someone that makes me pathetic.  Maybe.  Not according to my therapist today who has tried to remind me that not every female relationship ends in tears or badly, that in fact lately over past months many of my female friendships have become more deeply empathetic and supportive.  I need to hold on to that today as I began to feel so low down on myself after yesterday’s events and explosive comments.

I am a believer in the transformative energies around eclipses and lunar eclipses apparently raise up shadow issues to clear the way for a new beginning at the following New Moon two weeks later and this one will fall smack bang on my natal planet of wounding and healing in relationships, Chiron so this makes so much sense of how emotional I have been feeling lately.

In some way yesterday anger got sparked as I felt I had been invaded by someone actually trying to be kind.  I was not comfortable with it.  It reminds me of other times people trying to offer me help has ended badly.  Communications got confused and everything ended up pear shaped.  Originally I just expressed discomfort and when the other person was obviously distressed I had been uncomfortable and not said anything she felt angry when that got me upset and I posted a blog and it all snowballed!

Anyway today, in the cool of the local library I am contemplating the part I play in things, how I can be more aware, of what the person pointed out that I did not address and accused me therefore of passive aggression for.  I see where she was coming from but she didn’t live the week I lived last week where time to take anything deep on board was severely compromised.  I then got an email saying how I was missed from her blog when I would have loved to have visited had I more time on my hands.

One of the problems of the blogging and internet world is we don’t get to see the other person’s life and what they truly live outside writing.  Lets all show compassion please.

Today I feel that some things about myself I didn’t clearly see before have come to my awareness. I see where the other person, feeling unjustly treated and misunderstood got upset and used unkind words.  I don’t believe I am a jealous person as accused but only I can know that and if others think it or deduce it, I guess they are entitled to their opinion.

Today from a calm introspective place I am reminding myself to answer attack with love. I am reminded that in the heat of the moment when emotions rule I don’t always see things clearly and dispassionately but that too is understandable.   Its something to become more aware of and work on.

These words from Gray Crawford speak clearly to me today.

The Leo Lunar Eclipse and the Pisces Solar Eclipse coming on February 26 are the final two eclipses to occur with the South Node of the Moon in Pisces.  As a result there will be an immense bursting of collective illusions forcing humanity to become wide awake to the discrepancy between fantasy and bare boned reality. ……

The North Node of the Moon in Virgo continues to call us to embrace the moment with full awareness of everything occurring, whether we feel attraction or repulsion, and to discern choices that will bring greater fulfillment through service to the greater good.

Mars rules the third face of Leo, and Mars is extremely strong at the eclipse in its own sign of Aries…..the overused adage of fighting fire with fire brings the question of how much conflict and destruction are worth inflicting over the issues we feel enlivened to defend and battle over.  While the power of our animated heart can lead us to resiliently contend and combat threatening forces beyond the point of exhaustion, it will also be worthwhile to discern our bodily limits and when rest and caregiving of our incarnated form is necessary.  The many fiery collective conflicts that will arise in 2017 are heralded by this first Lunar Eclipse in Leo, so gaining clarity over what is worth fighting for as well as how to best nourish and sustain our inner fire and fleshy form will be essential.

I am so grateful to Gray for sharing this wisdom and I have lessons to learn about how I use my own Mars/assertive energy and how others use theirs.