I wrote this post late last night after working through some of the events of the past week.
think I tend to take on a lot of responsibility for situations I did not cause. Someone pointed this out to me in a comment on another post. That when we care and know pain and can feel it deeply there really is no insulation that we have from other’s pain. The best we can do is make a decision with our minds to detach from it and be realistic about the limits of our involvement.
In this current situation that I have been sharing about over past weeks there is a long history going back to 1980 when critical events took place in my family. I make sense of a lot through astrological cycles and when I look to current transits I see what is being triggered at the moment but so much of it was way outside of my control, never the less the ricochet effects deeply affected me. I was at that stage coming out of my own motor vehicle trauma when the trauma befell my sister and I was about to embark on studies that got aborted and then I got no counselling to help me and was very much on my own in the coming years after my father died.
When I got sober in 1993 I had all of this trauma still locked up inside me. I tried my best to come to terms with it but I was not helped by my partner nor family and at that point I see I would have been best to make a complete break away, but I needed some kind of support. Today I was clear with my sister that I could not go to the hospital with my Mum in the ambulance and that I could not go to the hospital tonight either. My three hours there on Monday night set me back big time on Tuesday. I don’t want to go under again and if I am going to continue to make progress it really is time to start setting some boundaries.
To be honest as much as I loved my nephew’s company, staying up late while he was drinking and smoking a lot was not something thats good for me. I had a lot of cleaning up to do yesterday and we had torrential rain while they were here. When he left he hadnt cleaned anything up. There were his dirty dishes in the sink and outside a dish full to the brim of cigarette buts with rain water in them. I cleaned it all up yesterday and finally feel that I have my space back. I am glad to be able to have my sanctuary here back, as its where I recharge myself. Now I just need to work to keep at bay critical thoughts and keep practicing self care.
On that note I went to the library this afternoon and a book was waiting I ordered in called Finding True Refuge, I don’t know if any of you have read the author Tara Brach’s earlier book Radical Acceptance, I read it quite a few years ago and got a lot out of it, in it she talks a lot about shame and how she came face to face with her own on her spiritual path. In this one she speaks about cultivating a loving kindness meditation practice where we seek refuge within, in the silent interior spaces of our heart. I already got a lot out of the first 30 pages I read this afternoon.
The idea of seeking and finding a refuge within appeals to me. It is what I feel in that nourishing, nurturing, alone time of solitude when I touch base with a source of peace that lives beyond all the traumatic events others seem to keep bringing into my life. I am aware that on an astrological level Saturn and healthy mature adult boundaries and protections are an antidote to all my strong Neptunian tendency to be overly empathic and compassionate. With Jupiter magnifying Neptune in Scorpio’s influence lately (by transit) I was also warned in another reading/interpretation by astrologer Leah Whitehorse that what people are saying or projecting may not be totally true or based on reality. I need to keep a mindful watch over my own energy frequency now. I was starting to feel happiness and contentment and experiencing solid sleep before my nephew’s visit last week.
I got a lot out of the visit but it also made me aware that as an empath I can and do take on other people’ s struggle and suffering at times. My therapist suggested this week that when I get full to the brim with it, I try to discharge that energy by grounding, putting my feet on the earth and letting it flow down out and away from me. Last week after each afternoon walk I was taking off first one shoe and then the other to place each bare feet on the ground to earth myself and settle my energy.
Its interesting to me that I got breast cancer just a few months after my older sister was diagnosed. When I think of the amount of trauma we both went through from 2005 – 2015 when we were both diagnosed it doesnt surprise me. Tbere is an element of strong enmeshment in our stories.
Anyway I will keep working to have better boundaries and become more aware when I feel the saviour archetype is overpowering me. I should not make myself responsible for what others have to bear. At the same time I need to be aware of their boundaries as well. I notice that so often what I give is not so often reciprocated. I dont give to get but when you do have a giving heart its so important to keep a balance. If we give more than we get back it can tend to make us ill or drained. This is something I need to keep a really close watch on in myself.