Angry with my family

Anger

I am not going to deny my anger any more.  I have legitimate reasons to be very angry at my family and my mother and sister in particular for what they put me through following the end of my marriage and even in the years before where I was just never treated with support, empathy and love.  I am sick to death of denying the truth to myself, rationalising it and minimising it.  I just spoke to my therapist and she said my anger needs to flow out and I need to find ways to do that today… write about it in your blog, draw it out or scream it out, do what ever you need to do to get it out of your system she said to me and so this blog is part of that process.  Internalised, invalidated anger has been kicking around inside my system for so long, it resulted in my accidents and in my alcoholism.  Part of my recovery is that I need to speak about it and value and validate my inner self and inner child.

I recognise what happened when I spoke to my mother yesterday when writing my blog A hollowed out shell was that by crying and becoming really vulnerable my Mum roped me into compassion.  Earlier on I had ended the conversation when she was once again telling me I needed to forget about things and put them behind me.   She called me back out of guilt to ask me to dinner and at first I said no and then wanted to relent when she showed me how much pain she was in and how insecure and unable to truly express herself she feels.  While I feel compassion for her I cannot let that over ride my own anger about what happened to me for it is anger that lets me know something hurt me deeply and wasn’t okay and that then helps me set some kind of boundary.  If I get told I shouldn’t have it or feel it that is invalidation abuse pure and simple and if the person is trying to guilt me out of it that is worse abuse.  Full stop! No argument, no debate!

I had a difficult day yesterday.  I noticed I got onto You Tube and posted some videos in two posts which although they had interesting insights don’t really help me to cut to the depth of dealing with the trauma and anger I am still carrying from the head injury that happened to me 12 years ago as the result of my sister and my mother’s meanness. At that stage I needed support and help to heal and grieve and know my truth, but I see how impossible this is to attain from anyone in my family they were just not that awake to the inner self or emotional realities.  My Mum is close to waking up but she seriously needs therapy.  I am sick of trying to be her therapist.  It isn’t my job really and she often told me that its not a good idea to go to others with your problems.  Her bottom line is that you need to work things out alone but that comes from a childhood where she was left alone and had to figure things out all alone.  Yesterday she was touching into deep realities and she told me how she feels so helpless and alone with no one much to talk to about all the things she goes through.  I want to say “well Mum get some therapy” but she never would.  So I end up being the font of all compassion but my compassion now is only prepared to extend so far when no recognition of past hurts or any apology has been forthcoming.

Second reason for anger and terribly acute body symptoms over the past few days has been unresolved issues with my living sister.  She was so awfully mean to me at the aforementioned time, telling me I was a selfish little girl and that I had had a shit of a life and she pitied me.  Oh and also going behind my back to my nephew (my older dead sister’s son) who I was really establishing a close relationship with and telling him how jealous I was of her.  Luckily at that time (just under 3 years ago now) he told me and I confronted her on the day we putting a party on for my mother.  I wish I had just walked out for at first she tried to deny it and then she said he had no right to tell me and then that she thought it was true.  But what I actually think is true is that the situation was the reverse and narcissists always believe they are so wonderful that the universe is jealous of them, why I do not know when the are such superiority junkies looking down their noses at all and sundry.  I have never been that person, as those who know me and have told me its just NOT ME.

Anyway she has softened somewhat in later years and actually did give me a grudging apology about what occurred in 2005 when I confronted her and Mum about it 2 years ago around this time of year.  But it was in no way an apology that came from her heart or truly recognised the damage done and the other day when she rang me about my tooth issue concerned to see how I was, it was I who ended up apologising to her for reacting to the horrible way she traated me.  Did I need to apologise  NO!  And my inner child is very upset with adult me about it and let me know as I woke up with shocking PTSD symptoms yesterday.  Whenever I see my sister my anxiety level goes through the roof and I was telling my therapist today that it was because I feel there is a lot of anger and hurt my body is carrying and the only way it has to come out is as anxiety.  But the mixed up irony is that as anxious as I feel I try even harder to bond with her and its a trauma bond and end up having an extra coffee with her even though its not really good for me to do it, because I feel she may be lonely.

I am aware as I write all this out it may seem like sour grapes to some.  I don’t really care as what you think isn’t my issue.  But what I need to know and see more clearly which is why I am putting it out there in black and white is how I can over ride my own impulses and intuitions. I often find my inner critic attacks my real attempts at feeling the truth of my feelings and most particularly that includes genuine expressions of anger.

Katina, my therapist was today reminding me that as much compassion as I feel I also need to remind myself that its okay to be angry.  So many of the messages around me growing up in family and Catholic school were based on anger being a ‘bad’ or negative emotion, when really anger is a signal of something from our deepest, truest inner self.  If we deny or over ride our own angry impulses we end up in such strife.  I have had so many accidents due to traumas from my past or pain replaying over in the present moment and this is one of the saddest facts about trauma,  it tends to attract more of the same to us but most particularly for those of us who were taught to value compassion, rationalisation and excuses over valid expression of anger.  So many times I have been told I better be careful as anger is dangerous, but this is only the case when it is not cleanly and clearly expressed, or if it is expressed aggressively.   We need to be so mindful of where our sore angry spots lie because when triggered they are signs of something from the past that needs to be dealt with or is calling for our awareness or attention, if we don’t pay attention we are in trouble  It won’t do us any good to act our anger out on those who really are just triggering a massive back log of past stuff but we still need to be aware that such people aren’t good to be around on a long term basis.  I am sad to say that goes for my family at present, much as I long for their love, when they are around it comes with huge reminders of pain from the past.  I have not ‘let it go’ yet, it hasn’t let go of me.

Its difficult writing this, as I was the television was just turned on by some automatic process.  I went over and Jasper my dog had his ear on the remote but what was most interesting was that it was a show called Compass and was on a priest’s life, and at that moment in time he was speaking of the ‘false ego’ that has to die if we want to fully embrace our humanity.  It made me question the wisdom of hanging onto my anger.  Maybe my sister had changed now and has soften, maybe she regrets what she did to me all of those years ago.  Maybe my mother wishes she hadn’t been so cruel to have chosen my sister over me when I was ‘too sad’ grieving at the end of my marriage.  I truly don’t know the answers to these questions.  Is my anger coming from ‘false ego’?  Is that why the television automatically came on?  I don’t know either but I am putting this in my blog as part of the mental process I go through on a day when I am trying to make sense of and deal with this anger from the past and the deep wound in me that gets triggered around this time of year.  I feel less angry now after writing this.  I have attempted to express my true reality, for what it is worth.   And I appreciate any feedback or any sharing from others about how you have dealt with your own anger.

And in the interest of openness the following are just a selection of anger quotes I came across on line :

 

 

Bring things out in the open

I have noticed this week a strong shift towards people in the public eye opening up about what has been going on deep inside when they have struggled in life.  The first thing was the airing of a two part programme of Insight on SBS our multicultural channel in Australia on the incidence of depression in sports stars and athlete’s, often but not always associated with their careers.  But what really came out of the programme was the understanding that so many long for attention and a sense of meaning in their lives and when such attention or meaning or connection is broken a lot of suffering ensues.

The second part of the programme aired on television here last night and a young footballer whose name I cannot remember was really open about his struggle with addiction and depression.  He tried to take his life a few years ago and since then has had good professional help to deal with his mental health issues, but he as also started a foundation to help young kids who are struggling too and this is what has helped him most of all.

Opening up and overcoming our shame of feeling vulnerable is a huge part of healing from mental health issues.  The more open we can be, the more understanding we can share.  The video above is just one example of how opening up can help us and others and is part of the UK initiative, Heads Together.  I would like to thank Summer for bringing this to my attention in a recent post.  This video links to others she has shared on her blog.

Not as triggered : some small steps forward

I wrote this post on Tuesday.  I didn’t post it.  Same old, same old beat up by the inner critic, even though my therapist thought it showed a sign of growth.

Being ignored is usually a huge trigger for me.  I guess it reminds me of being young and being left alone a lot and finding myself on the outside and not in the popular pool of happy gregarious youngsters who all got on and felt free to express and be themselves without feeling locked up in a prison of thoughts and projected inner judgement.  Its hard to go through life feeling scared and not safe enough in your own being and skin.

So today at the dog park when two people deliberately ignored and excluded me from their conversation I felt good when it didn’t hit me as hard as it usually would have in years past.   One of the people in question is someone I know and we don’t have a lot in common.  In fact I think when she asked me about my Christmas a few months ago I honestly told her how hard it was emotionally and that is a trigger for some people.  They just don’t want to hear about anything that isn’t light and breezy and since then she doesn’t make any effort to connect at all.

I have to remember at such times that there are other people I connect with.  At the moment I feel a bit isolated and lonely as I haven’t managed to connect with my usual friends at the park much and often our contact is fairly superficial.  I spend a lot of my time alone.  And at the park today when they made no effort to talk even though my dog Jasper was playing with the other woman’s dog  I just thought “fair enough” and I took myself off and read my book under a tree.  There was none of the harsh inward cricitism I would have heard inside my head before.

It seems at the moment I just have to nurture myself in solitude.  I am not going to lie and say it isn’t really lonely at times.  Since I have moved back to my home town I find it hard to find others of like mind to connect with and I spend a lot of time with my dog.  I am so grateful  that I do have connections through blogging as without that I would feel quiet disconnected and lost.  I want to concentrate on the connections that I do have such as the one with my therapist and my very very good male friend who lives away from me.  We talk on the phone a couple of times a week and I know I can call him any time.

I just wrote a blog on unmet needs prompted by one Athina posted on Courage Coaching.  Thinking about it the need for friendship and emotional connection is such a huge one that relates to and has such important consequences for our emotional and mental health.  Lack of connections and isolation such as I have lived in past years must led to mental health problems and  disease and Deepak Chopra makes that connection in his book The Book of Secrets speaking of how our body cells naturally connect in a state of health and in ill health this connective ability runs awry with the cells often turning against themselves.

I don’t find it easy to find others to connect with.  How I cope is by connecting with myself and then spending that time on my blog.  Connections cannot be forced, they have to occur naturally.  I don’t need to beat myself up if I don’t connect or others ignore me.  I don’t have to make that the cause of negative self talk.

What you say and do

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What you say and do does affect other people and what other people say and do does affect you.  I was reminded about this after a conversation with a friend who has struggled all weekend with stomach pain.  Someone said some thing nasty to him, it upset him.  He went via the bakery to get some bread which he loves and ate too much of it and low and behold had a stomach ache for the rest of the weekend.

I can see how his emotional upset was transferred and then not really processed. Eating the bread made him worse and probably wasn’t a great choice but the original stress was that he was adversely affected by what someone said and did to him.   When he tried to talk to his wife about it she wouldn’t hear him and so he ate the bread.  I could relate.

What we say to our selves and do to ourselves in the wake of what someone says or does to us is so important.  We also need to be mindful of our words.  Is what we are saying necessary and true?  Do we have a right to have an opinion about others ways of doing things? And if we do, is it really necessary to share it? Can we speak kindly and with love?   Or are we just dumping or being insensitive?

If we have known invalidation abuse or other unkindness, its true, in time we are going to have to find ways to throw off the hurtful things said to us and learn not to react, but we are still human and we are affected by what others say and do.  To imply that we are not to me is problematic.  It’s not always easy to live in the world especially for those of us who are very sensitive, as my friend is.  We still have to find our way through it though.  It is still so important to be aware of our words and work to make our communication as non violent and loving as possible.  We also need to learn how to set boundaries with those who are not that aware and hurt us.  Talking to ourselves in a loving way and setting up good internal boundaries is also so important for our words have great power for good and ill.

 

To fearlessly communicate

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How amazing would it be to be able to embrace life and relationships with an open heart and mind, not blocked and clouded or defended against fear of being hurt or humiliated?

Certainly we can come unstuck if we are open and sensitive at times sharing with those who may shame us or try to put us down.  Criticism from others that is not given in kind and heartfelt way does injure us and makes us fear opening up again in any way.  If we are raised by or spend a lot of time around narcissists, those who are invested in not allowing us to actually fully express ourselves and our truth being open in this way becomes difficult and fraught with all kinds of fears and insecurities.  We may fear where the next defence or attack may come from if we are honest with others who are nothing like those people who blocked us before from expressing our feelings, wants and needs.

Learning to develop good boundaries, learning to gain a better sense of how and when it is appropriate to express ourselves, as well as when we need to be quiet and listen to others and make an attempt to step into their shoes is so important.

I was reading a chapter about compassionate communication in my book Love for No Reason : 7 Steps to Creating a Life of Unconditional Love last night after returning home from a dinner with friends I had not seen in a long time.  It was talking about keep the channel between our heart chakra and our throat centre open.

One of the things mentioned was how it is so important to our own wellbeing and the maintaining of healthy relationships to be able to be open, honest and authentic in our communications with others.   We need to find a way to speak from our own truth, but not in such a way that is harsh, critical and judgemental, nor in such a way that steps all over the boundaries of others.

Most certainly there are times in which we will try to express our truth and others will react badly, even if we are being sensitive to them.  That reaction most probably has a lot more to do with them and their own issues.  Often too we can be on the receiving end of criticism that has nothing to do with us.  Something we have done may have sparked the pain body of the other person, an area of old hurt, wounding or sensitivity and if that person is defended or lacks emotional insight and intelligence they will react in a difficult way, they may deflect, deny or blame.

I remember in my last relationship with a man who had intense narcissistic issues, I was slammed for turning up on time to collect him from a bus journey that was running early.   I got in trouble for not being there to meet him as he had sent a text while I was in the video shop dropping off a DVD to let me know it was going to be 5 minutes early.

When I arrived to pick him up an argument ensued (we are talking about 5 minutes here).  It had been raining and there was lightening around the bus stop.  “I could have been hurt or injured,” he said to me.  I tried to point out I was sorry, I was actually on time but had missed the text and had done my best, in fact I had spent most of the afternoon preparing a dinner for him which I then mentioned (this sort of thing happens with narcissists, we try to argue against the unfairness of what they are trying to lay on us that is associated with old pain).  I got a huge serve for changing the subject and we ended up breaking up for the third time after this incident.

In this situation there was no way to soothe what was actually a sore spot for him.  Maybe I could have helped the situation by acknowledging his fear (while recognising it was more about past issues than present ones), who knows.  As usual after we broke up I went over and over critical issues like this trying to figure out what had gone wrong and what was my part in it.  I would add this is a guy who would keep me waiting for hours at a time at critical times. In the end I think I may have been set up to fail in any case.   It was really impossible in the end to meet the list of his demands of me which centred around trying to make up for all the failures of a mother who had left him at age 4 to escape an abusive marriage.

On reflecting upon all of this recently I feel that part of recovering from narcissistic wounds or our vulnerability to narcissistic relationships (we are more liable to attract these when we have emotional wounds and difficulties with boundaries ourselves) means we struggle to become aware when fear is actually blocking the full and free expression of emotions that lie underneath the fear.  Fear of these emotions and how vulnerable we do feel when they are touched causes us to react or over react in painful ways.  It causes us to attack or defend.

What might it mean to stay open and non judgemental in this situation, even when our defences have been sparked, to be aware that there is a tender spot within all of us that lies beneath this fear?  One that needs our attention, care, understanding, insight and love.  It is something to contemplate.

Safe To Say : Liberating ourselves from repression through recovering our lost self expression and self assertion.

How safe do you feel to say what you need to say or feel to be true?

When I was growing up didn’t feel safe to express how I really felt.  I was used to hiding a lot of things that I did wrong, because I had learned I wasn’t able to depend on support or understanding.  Recently I read the following comment here : https://anupturnedsoul.wordpress.com/2015/02/05/a-must-read-on-npd-narcissism-living-without-feelings/

“growing up with narcissists, I learned fairly early on that I was not allowed to express myself in any way at all unless it was in a way the narcissists wanted me to do so (and even that could be wrong). If I expressed myself in a way which upset them (which is easy helped to do and pretty much everything can upset them, trigger them and get you shot because of it), then there was censorship hell to pay for it. They need control more than they need air, food, or other vital things for basic survival. I learned to shut up and listen (with more than just the ears). But that too could be perceived as a threat by them.”

Reading this helped to make sense of the continual questioning and deliberation that goes on within my head as I argue with myself about my right to feel what I need to feel and say what I need to say. It can all get very tangled inside my head when this is going on.  So many questions about how others will react if I say something especially insights I have into the depths of things.

It was a number of years ago I became more conscious of this hyper-vigilance I experienced and then I met a narcissist and outbursts and emotional cut offs could be the consequence of expressing myself in a way that challenged him.  Today I see the parallels with early relationships.

A while back after my eldest sister died I came across some letters she had saved that my mother wrote when I was a young child. The clear thing that came out of reading those letters for me was the realisation that my mother just did not get me, that her ability to empathise and link into her youngest daughter’s mind, emotions, heart and need for self expression was severely limited. I know this in many ways was a result of her own lonely childhood, a childhood in which she had to learn to be quiet, hide her fear and loneliness and had next to no validation.

Lately I have come to see, after a very long and painful journey of trying and failing to be seen by significant others that I have put in mother type roles that it was not my fault that my mother just did not get me and that that earliest relationship, as well as the one with my father who remained silent in the face of abuse set me up for painful relationships. I had no caring siblings to turn to either, in fact my closest sister who was 8 years older was fairly nasty a lot of the time.  My elder sister who was kind left home after marrying and moving overseas when I was three.

Somewhere along the way growing up I came to believe I was not good enough, that things were my fault which actually were the result of a faulty upbringing and stressful and traumatic incidents occuring at key developmental transitions. I cannot note down here all the significant failures that have mirrored these earliest ones, which set up a blue print for my life and relationships and for shame. But I can say now, that after having gone through about five significant failures within the same lesson or pattern in the past three years where significant others have tried to re-shame me, I am now able to recognise what is hurtful and safe and what is affirming and frees my spirit.

Having affirmation from certain people both online and in my life over the past two years has helped me to recognise the earlier empathetic failures for what they were, outside of my power to control and not caused by me.

I must say that sadly as part of my own difficulties when I was struggling during my late 20s and early 30s I got caught up in the New Age movement for a long time. I actually now recognise that at that time I was working for a narcissistic boss within the New Age industry. It was around the time I went through the Saturn return and was gettting into more and more problems with alcohol.. I was not yet aware of the difficult part lack of affirmation and just downright suppression of who I was as an individual by significant others had played in my life, but I was being driven unconsciously by these wounds into more and more painful relationships and so I was desperately reaching for answers. But some of the answers of that movement were that I had chosen abuse for myself.

I no longer believe this to be true. I now see it as an outgrowth of multi-generational woundings and legacy. I now know that victims do exist and we can and are victimised by forces beyond our control playing out both personally and collectively. Sadly many abusers have an investment in us remaining victims and in blaming us for things that are outside of our control, we even do it to ourselves as a result of being victimised. It is part of the way abusers operate and this idea stops the victim from knowing they were a victim and getting angry enough to moblise the energy to bust out of the pattern and reclaim our own power. And at one level although I don’t believe we chose it, we can learn from it and turn the wound into a blessing.

Often for those of us scapegoated and conditioned to be submissive, taught to fear our own anger and aggressive/assertive impulses, power only comes with the capacity to get angry enough to throw off victimhood and hold up the psychic shield to poison and projections.

Quite a few years back following the end of my marriage and an accident in which I had suffered a head injury while boarding with a family who were emotionally abusive I went for an astrology reading with Melanie Reinhardt. As part of the session she told me about a book by Peter Levine, who has done extensive research into trauma in animals and how this relates to trauma in humans. The book is called Waking the Tiger and in it he calls attention to the need of the traumatised animal to mobilise aggression in the face of threat in order shake off entrapment.

A large part of depression in vicitmised people, those who have been abused or traumatised, is that our instinctive impulse to lash out has been demonised, stifled or suppressed or it is judged not as a symptom  of a desire for freedom,  health and recovery, but as a symptom of a disease or mental illness.  I have always been drawn to the understandings of such therapists as James Hillman and Thomas Moore who see in the symptom not evidence of malaise but signs of the soul telling us about the nature of the wound and need for healing.

Recently I have been reading the book Animal Madness by Laurel Braitman. In it there are some very interesting stories of animals taken from the wild who then rebelled against the abuse of their captors, in some case taking lives or causing permanent wounds.

One of the saddest stories is of Tip, the Asian elephant donated to the city of New York by a circus owner, Adam Forepaugh. Five years into his incaceration within the Central Park elephant house, Tip began to display violent behavior directed towards abusive trainers and captors. The public began to call for Tip’s death and he was deemed to be “mad”. In the end Tip was executed.

Braitman writes :

“(Tip) was deemed mad not because he was rabid or demonstrably insane but because he acted violently toward the men who sought to control him, keep him in chains, and diminish his sensory, social, physical, and emotional world to a small barn. His badness caused his madness, his madness cemented his badness. Tip was a victim of the human tendency to punish what we misunderstand or fear.” P. 71.

Tip’s remains now lie in the American Museum of Natural History. I could not help but identify with Tip’s story. I felt an outrage for him, as I feel at times so much of a longing for the wild self within that has integrity at the core and knows deep down the truth of what is needed, what got thwarted and frustrated and which has suffered amidst psychic abusers the painful consequences of lashing : being demonised further.

I saw this pattern in my eldest sister’s life, who ended her days in an institution. I have lived the pain too of trapped immobility in which true feelings and felt needs had to be repressed and I have felt the freedom that comes with the mobilisation of expressing, assertion and aggression that when operating in allegiance to the True Self enables us to liberate ourselves from confinement.

I have witnessed silencing of his impulse in loved ones, the burying of it deep inside the belly with meds designed to blunt the truth, to numb the rebel yell that would have brought freedom as it struck fear into the hearts of those who wanted certain truths and realities silenced or extinguished.

The capacity to mobilise our own assertive impulses and express our truth which may have been buried or atrophied after years of invalidation or abuse is so essential to our birth as individuals, we need our rebel yell to break free of unhealthy enmeshment with those who may have unconscious investment in denying aspects of a self that may threat or confront them.  And so, unsafe as it feels at times to say what we need to say, we must somehow find the courage to sound out our voice and challenge those who would silence us.

The price of speaking our truth may at times lead to exile.  In mythology the scapegoat is sent into the desert with the sins of the collective on its head.  In reality the sin of the collective may be the shadow qualities that could not be accepted or expressed beyond the bounds of what controlling forces deemed acceptable.

In a family in which feelings are denied or hidden, it is the passionate one who will be demonised.  I witnessed this scapegoating caper playing out last week.  I finally understood why the demonised person had needed to be as detached as she was. And why many years ago she advised me to get far away. But critical lessons have come for me with not running, with facing into the heart of the dark dynamics because enmeshment must be broken in the place we stand, and true psychic and emotional separation cis not necessarily always obtained with distance.

As I tune in with my minds eye while writing I see an image of Saturn bearing a scythe  standing on the right hand side of my inner child, holding her hand.  I am alone on one level and cannot return to what was once cosy because Saturn is asking for something to be cut away.  The sacred cows of  psychic blindness must be slaughtered and comfortable cosy enmeshment sacrificed.  I dreamed this image in a dream many years ago in a deep dark meadow in England many slaughtered cows lay on the ground.

Breaking free of the fear of censure and ostracism that often is the price of living true to our core, and releasing the projection of shame that does not belong to us is a journey we who may have been scapegoated must face.  Exile may  be necessary for a time from places, groups and family members who cannot allow the shadow qualities a place .  It may even have been our task to carry that energy.  Healing comes with the recognition that exile is the beginning of a journey to a new land in which we will discover the freedom of being released from a confining straight jacket which bound us up too tightly.

Two ways of relating

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I went along to see the townhouse with my Mum today.   My Mum functions on a very practical level.  For the astro minded she has Venus, planet of values in the practical sign of Virgo.  My Venus is in Aquarius so I am attracted to the quirky and different, I have a connection between Neptune and Venus too that is very strong in the sign of Scorpio which is about intense depths.  My Mum was evaluating the place with this kind of eye and it is very different to my old fashioned weather board place.

After a long browse around we spoke to the real estate agent and his wife who is a very sweet lady.  I was saying how the very prospect of selling and buying is tapping into very deep emotions for me.  My mother had said to me not to get emotional.  The wife of the estate agent said a few words to me that really hit home and made me feel totally understood “Its okay to get attached to things”. W.O.W!!!!!

This hit home so very hard. For a long time in early recovery I was drawn to philosophies which told me I needed to learn to detach.  Then I found a book that made so much sense of addiction to me.  It was called Addiction as Attachment Disorder.  It reminded me that addicts are likely to have endured broken or non existent emotional attachments.  They may have gone through so much pain when abandonments happened that may not have been personal that they learned to swallow down the pain and sadness.  Also if they found themselves cast out into the universe alone they may have looked to substances or processes to attach to and feel some kind of connection.  However if we choose ingestion addictions we are getting a bit numbed on some level to what is really going on or reaching to substitutes for the soothing and good vibes that attachments of the positive kind would bring to us.  We begin too to unconsciously fear the loss that being attached can open to us.  We may use anger to push people away when fears are triggered.  We may hide our longings away but they don’t truly go away.

After I dropped my Mum back home I went to the fruit and veggie markets to get my shopping and some ideas for poems came to me.  One was the idea of there being oceans of feelings buried below the depths of things for those of us wounded in emotional ways.  The second idea was the thought “don’t let my anger blind you to the longing I have inside to be loved”  I was thinking about one of my favourite books that came to me when my husband and I were separating.  Loosely based on A Course in Miracles it speaks of how fear and anger are always calls for love.  When and if we can answer the fear or anger in others or in ourselves with love, compassion, empathy and understanding of what is going on underneath the fear and anger we are a long way forward in healing our wounded places or at least not acting them out so unconsciously.

Today I was reacted to in two different ways by two very different people.  I was so grateful that the agent selling the townhouse is such a kind man and that his wife was so in touch on an emotional level.  I was able to share my fears and emotions around auctions and the estate agent offered his support.  I know I am strong enough in my boundaries now to open to that support.  Next week I will set my limit and not go beyond it as I was encouraged to do on this place.

I am also realising that I am very attached to the home I currently live in.  I would love if there was support to help me do it up in the way it needs to be kept in good nick.  I am aware of the sadness I may feel in letting it go.  But I also feel I could form a new attachment with the new place and that I need to face any fear and sadness that will be very much part of the process of moving on to something new that will be less stressful for me.

All in all things are looking up and I feel okay about everything.  I am so glad once again that someone could relate to me in that place of emotion and help me to know that how I was feeling was totally natural.  What a gift!