Another clash with my brother

My brother called last night to tell me my sister was finally admitted to the care facility at the hospital.   I made the mistake of trying to address some of what I had found out had triggered my sister feeling so anxious with him and he just shut me down.  The first thing that triggered my reaction of feeling so angry were the words ‘she was in a highly irrational state’ this from a man whose daughter said to me ‘Dad will rationalise until the cows come home.’  He then said he didnt want to get involved in any complicated analysis of what my sister is thinking and feeling, it was in no way complex, she was terrified of not ‘measuring up’ something her best friend told me when I let her know my sis was in hospital.

I had to end the conversation with my brother as I was so angry and I woke at 4 am feeling how the anger was sitting in my body and I ended up growling like a wild lion in the middle of the night and then when I settled down my little dog Jasper gave a little bark.  I know he picks up on things as when my brother came around the other day and invaldiated me he left the room immediately we sat down to talk.  Gotta love how animals just act on their instincts as far as humans are concerned.

When I called my sister’s friend back and got angry she got panicked and said ‘don’t get angry with him, he’s just putting up defences and its not only his loss but his sister’s loss as well.’  I wasnt bothered by her trying to calm me down, it was for my own good and is a sign when I dialogued with my inner child/self I need to have stronger boundaries around him and lower expectations.  I should have learned this by now as long time followers will know I’ve been here countless times before.

When I have expressed either sadness or anger with my brother its like he has seen it as some kind of flaw, error or weakness in me. My therapist said as much yesterday.  I then become the ‘bad’ one (for being angry/’mad’) and need to be distanced from which can leave me questioning if I really am bad and sane at all.  Around his family I am constantly made to feel lower than pond scum, and his wife is a rigid narcissist with a lot of blocked feelings and looks upon hugs and other displays of affection as weakness.

Truth is this morning I felt sadness and compassion for my brother but not enough to want to have contact with him much.  I want to handle all my own affairs independently although I did ask him for some help as Mum’s ashes have still not been collected and there is so much to do with sorting out her unit and my sister’s collapse means its not possible for her to do it and I understand why.  But part of me doesnt want to spend any extended time in his company. I felt hatred for him last night and murderous rage to be totally honest!

I know staying angry with my brother probably wont help and will only do me damage.  Good thing was last night I saw how it affected me bodily and in my gut and digestion.   It took a lot of work to get going today as I was awake from 4 to 6 am and then up at 8.30.  But I am getting through.  The mowing people came to clear the yard today and I was able to speak to my nephew who gets how I feel and is so supportive in encouraging me to keep good boundaries.  His advise was ‘to put on my Scobby Do mask’ with my brother.  I am not a good mask wearer would just rather keep a distance but I know letting out my emotions with him is not a good idea as it is not with any narcissist who sees feelings as a sign of irrationality and weakness.  What is most important is that I don’t end up making myself feel bad or wrong for feeling or finding healthy ways to express and contain them.

Letting go of outcomes

When

There is a profound passage in the Indian spiritual text the Bhagavad Gita that says “you have power over your actions but not the fruits of your actions.”    Tonight I have been also thinking of Steps One and Two of the 12 steps in AA   (1) We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol (or others) and  (2) Came to believe in a power greater than us (or our limited will).

It is interesting that the planet of will, desire and action, Mars is very close to a conjunction or meeting with the powerful planet Pluto at the moment.  Mars is at 19 degrees of Capricorn and Pluto at 21 and today the Moon in Cancer opposed both planets around the time I met with my brother.   I have been thinking tonight that I must admit the limits of my power over others.  I had an experience of connecting with someone who led me to believe we had the chance of a relationship but when I admitted my fear of being left and my need for quiet time as a sensitive person he broke contact and it hurt me deeply last night.  But I also know I was honest and real about my limits and scars and he could not meet me in that place and reassure me, he wanted something else I could not give.  I let him know two sisters had attempted suicide when their husbands left them and that was the end of any connection.

I had power over my action of telling him the truth and no power over the fruit of my actions.  I am in a similar space with trying to deal with what is happening for my older sister right now.  I don’t have the will to call her and have to hear all the confusion inside her.  I have spent at least 12 calls over past months staying on the phone with her for up to an hour and a half each time, just being with her and trying to connect, to give her encouragement to embrace life and move foward.  I offered to make dinner, I offered to take her to a movie and other things but she was not interested.    I did not call this week, after the call she made to tell me a friend’s wife is dying of terminal cancer.   I could not breathe well during that conversation and felt at the limit of my tolerance and my good mood was destroyed by the news for that night.  I know it might sound resistant but at times it all gets too much, all the illness, suffering and pain, all the loss and emptiness and endings.   They just dont seem to stop and I felt I needed time out so I just let go.  And tonight I realised that is what I have to do with the relationship promise offered and then withdrawn,  for now I have to accept I am on my own.

I have been praying to my dead relatives alot today. After dinner was finished I just sat and cried and admitted how scared I feel and helpless, powerless really.  But in the 12 step programme powerlessness is not the ending, we do in step 2 and 3 come to believe there may be another force at work (an underground force) that may have different intentions for us than the ones we wish for or choose.  It may be that we have to let go of something we really want, long for or treasure and there may be no way around it.  There may be a time we come to realise we have done all we can and the outcome is now out of our hands.  That is how I am feeling tonight.  Over the next few days as Mars meets up with Pluto in the sign of Capricorn which is about perseverence while crossing a stony landscape I will just hold myself in the intentional mindset of letting go and surrender, not in a hopeless way but in one that accepts that so much happens in life I have no control over.  I know when I try to control outcomes that are out of my hands I end up in insanity.  I will only go crazy or end up hurting myself or others more if I try to control what I am powerless over.  There are other things I do have some power over, how I react and what I expect from a frustrating situation.  I can choose to let go or take another healthier course of action.

Holding to our boundary?

I guess every victim of emotional neglect or abuse has a struggle knowing what’s what, who is really harmful and better not to be around.  Feeling anxious when we receive a call from one of our ‘triggers’ can be a trigger, but due to our past holes in development we don’t alway feel we have the right not to take the call.  I just read a post on unconditional love and part of me thought, yeah, I am not sure that I believe in that any more.  Giving people the benefit of the doubt or trying to be stronger or a bigger person is what a Good Guy with the feeling we dont have a right to legitimate needs or boundaries is taught to do by conditioning.

When love is absent and real care and empathy, where do we go?  What we experience is a terrible numbness, emptiness or void, a soul pain that often is not understood intellectually but since our body is really the home of our soul, somewhere inside our bodies know and yet for a child in this situation what can we do.  When we cannot leave physically, we choose a form of dissociation, its something I have been thinking a lot about while reading writer Jeanette Winterson’s autobiography.   Many of us escape into books or tv or we start to write from a young age.  Like me Jeanette never had her boundaries respected, her adoptive mother violated them and read her diaries, she threw out and burned all of her books.  Jeanette wrote in the quote I posted yesterday that she learned early on that anything could be taken, and the only thing that could not was her what was inside, her capacity to express and to create.  For some of us, however, if our insides are invalidated and we are told we are bad or selfish it can be hard to hold onto the internal reality, too.

The abuser who wants control over us wants to destroy our reality as well as our understanding of them as a perpetrator so they turn it around on us, we are the ones who are selfish or too vulnerable or too sensitive for just feeling normal feelings that any caring emotionally connected person would.  I had a commenter on one of my blogs yesterday tell me that feelings will get us in trouble, yes if we dont know how to use them as internal messaging systems and I dont think the person really got the jist of the post.   This does not apply to feeling ‘bad’ which is a feeling that may be grown by thoughts that we are incompetent in some way when really that is just a form of depression or an introjected voice talking to us inside our heads.

Dissociation for many of us was a way to survive trauma.  It was a way of preserving the inner self, the problem comes when we turn self protection and externalised fear into global concepts where we feel the entire world is bad and not to be trusted.  As survivors we will always be wary and we need good boundaries.  We need to know what hurt us was valid and not just all in our imagination as we will often be told by gaslighters.  We need to trust our feelings not fear them and then put them to good use.   We may also not ever need to forgive certain abuse and this need to forgive may be something that is forced on us by moralistic people.   Abuse is not okay, its not okay to trammel a sensitive person and lead them to believe their reality is skewed when they are trying to be who they are and express their true and real selves.   I had to leave one Al Anon group when two members told me I was not allowed to express anger over my Mum’s abandonment of me as a child.  While I know my Mum went through something similar she never allowed herself to be angry at her own mother and as a result she never had good emotional awareness or strong boundaries later in life.  The pain meds she was on in the end ruined the last years of her life.

I have watched two siblings struggle with anger and self assertion.  I have seen them cut down when they were trying to break free but also I have seen them become manic with the unresolved fear and anxiety we all absorbed in our family home was not contained or made sense of in therapy only treated medically with a cocktail of drugs.  I’ll be damned if I will shut up about it.  I makes me angry and so, so sad.  My living sister is not able to be emotionally and assertively present in any way these days and she is collapsed as a person.  In the end she could not break out of her feeling wounded prison.   It makes me cry,  especially leading up the anniversary of my older sister’s death which occured on Easter Sunday in 2014.

Knowing who we are.  Holding to our boundary.  Knowing what we feel makes perfect sense these things can only come out of the long hard painstaking work of emotional recovery and these things are not given to us we have to earn our right to boundaries over and over again and we struggle so remorsefully with self doubt as our ego strength was never encouraged.  As children we were not helped to develop a heathy ego or good boundaries, in fact we were conversely actively stymied in our emotional education and so we have work extra hard now.  And we cannot afford to open once again to emotional invalidation from those who would try to convince us our boundaries are wrong or there is something wrong with us for protesting neglect, abuse or betrayal, that it is wrong to have an ego and that we should come to love everyone unconditionally.  Yes hurt people hurt people and we can have compassion but if that means we lose our own passion for rigourous emotional health and self care that kind of over compassion can be dangerous.

Insights into trauma induced co-dependency, a bill of rights and dealing with the issue of over listening/ receptivity

The following extracts from Pete Walker’s book Complex PTSD : From Surviving to Thriving may help you develop insight if you were led through parental neglect to deny your own needs, wants and desires leading to a state of codependency which Walker names “trauma induced codependency” :

Trauma induced codependency (is) a symptom of self abandonment and self abnegation.  Codependency is a fear based inability to express rights, needs and boundaries in a relationship.  It is a disorder of assertiveness, characterized by a dormant fight response and a susceptibility to being exploited, abused, and/or neglected.

Servitude, ingratiation, and obsequiousness become important survival strategies.  She clearly forfeits all needs that might inconvenience her parents.  She stops having preferences and opinions that might anger them.  Boundaries of every kind are surrendered to molify her parents, who repudiate their duty of caring for her…. All this loss of self begins before the child has many words, and certainly no insight.  For the budding codependent, all hints of danger soon immediately trigger servile behaviours and abdication of rights and needs.

(people influenced by trauma induced codependency) seek safety and acceptance in relationship through listening and eliciting.  They invite the others to talk rather than risk exposing their thoughts, views and feelings.   They ask questions to keep the attention off themselves, because their parents taught then talking was dangerous and that in their world their parents would inevitably prove them guilty of feeling unworthy…. they (feel) its is safer (1) to listen than to talk. (2) to agree than to dissent. (3) to offer care than to ask for help.  (4) to elicit the other than to express yourself and (5) to leave choices to the other rather than to express preferences.  Sadly, the closest that the unrecovered fawn type comes to getting his needs met is vicariously through helping others.  Fawn types generally enhance their recovery by memorizing the following list of rights :

  1. I have the right to be treated with respect.
  2. I have the right to say no.
  3. I have the right to make mistakes
  4. I have the right to reject unsolicited advice or feedback.
  5. I have the right to negotiate for change.
  6. I have the right to change my mind or my plans
  7. I have the right to change my circumstances or course of action.
  8. I have the right to my own feelings, beliefs, opinions, preferences, etc.
  9. I have the right to protest sarcasm, destructive criticism, or unfair treatment.
  10. I have the right to feel angry and to express it non-abusively.
  11. I have the right to refuse to take responsibility for anyone else’s problems.
  12. I have the right to refuse to take responsibility for anyone’s bad behaviour.
  13. I have the right to feel ambivalent and to occasionally be inconsistent.
  14. I have the right to play, waste time and not always be productive.
  15. I have the right to occasionally be childlike and immature.
  16. I have the right to complain about life’s unfairness and injustices.
  17. I have the right to occasionally be irrational in safe ways.
  18. I have the right to seek healthy and mutually supportive relationships.
  19. I have the right to ask friends for a modicum of help and emotional support.
  20. I have the right to complain and verbally ventilate in moderation.
  21. I have a right to grow, evolve and prosper.

The codependent (also) needs to understand how she gives herself away by over listening to others.  Recovery involves shrinking her characteristic listening defense, as well as practising and broadening her verbal and emotional self expression.

I have seen numerous inveterate codependents becomes motivated to work on their assertiveness when they realise that even the thought of saying “no” triggers them into an emotional flashback.  After a  great deal of work, one client was shocked by how intensely he dissociated when he contemplated confronting his boss’s awful behavior.  This shock then morphed into an epiphany of outrage about how dangerous it had been to protest anything in his family.   This in turn aided him greatly in overcoming his resistance to role playing assertiveness in our future work together.

With considerable practice, this client learned to overcome the critic voices that immediately short circuited him from ever asserting himself.  In the process, he remembered how he was repeatedly forced to stifle his individuality in childhood.  Grieving these losses then helped him to work at reclaiming his developmentally arrested self expression.

 

It is not selfish to care for the Self.

I can very much identify as a person who has attempted for most of her life to be a good guy (even though I am a woman), that is why coming across Andrea Mathew’s book Letting Go of Good : Dispel the Myth of Goodness to find Your Genuine Self was such a helpful ‘find’ to come across in my local library.  I have shared some excerpts from it before and I have a post banked up to share on how I always identified as a ‘bad’ self when I seemed to fall short of ideals promoted by my emotionally repressive family and Catholic education.

I remember a while back when I was in recovery and starting to attempt to be myself and not automatically go along with what my family and sister wanted.  She said to me after being extremely demanding and aggressive “you always were such a selfish child, throwing tantrums”.   I probably did vocally express myself when something triggering was going down that said I could have done with a lot more of an authentic Self growing up.  If I had it I may not have had to mask a lot behind alcohol and drugs for so many years and had such a struggle in later years to take care of myself.

Anyway I was just reading the chapter in Mathews book on how the good guy amongst us have a terror of being called selfish, which is a shame and doesn’t end up serving us well in life.   So when Mathews poses the question ‘What Does It Really Mean to be Selfish?‘ this is her answer.

Actually, the term selfish serves no real purpose other than to manipulate others.  It isn’t selfish to think about the Self – for how else will one become acquainted with the Self if one doesn’t think about it?  Your feelings for and about the Self are not selfish – one of the healthiest things we can do is fall in love with the Self so that we love its company, cherish its essence, and desire to be in its presence all the time.   It isn’t selfish to do things for the Self – the Self needs us to do those things, otherwise we are disconnected from it.  To act purely out of the Self is how we live an authentic life.

So then are those manipulators (those who tell us…. You know I need this!  How can you say you love me if..?  If you don’t help me, I’ll…  You are the ONLY one who cares….. You are the most self centred person I know – said the first time you refuse to enable an addiction or something of like nature, after you have given years of time, energy and love) selfish?  No.  They are trying to survive by using the identity out of which they were taught to live…..

What about narcissists?  Aren’t they selfish?  In a word, No but they sure can put on a good act.  The truth is that true narcissists have a personality disorder.  That doesn’t mean we should feel sorry for them.   But it does mean that they have wrapped their identity up so much in distortion and unreality that they live in that distortion and unreality as if it were the only truth.   The best thing a good guy can do is avoid them.

But good guys have a hard time doing that, because they are not very good at discernment.  Discernment would mean that they would have to see and take responsiblity for their own end of these manipulative encounters. That would mean that they would have to start being more authentic.. taking the risks that are a natural journey to authenticity will finally allow them peace.

According to Mathews, those risks include letting go of a number of myths good guys can live by that end up only hurting them and stealing power.  These include :

  1. Thinking it’s not okay to judge others (despite evidence to the contrary those others may be mean, abusive or damaging).
  2. Thinking fall in love is immediately equated with giving over trust or hoping for trust before evidence that such trust is warranted or earned has been given.
  3. Believing it’s always a good thing to feel guilty when often guilt is unwarranted if we are following our own necessary authentic moral code that may go against social mores which restrict or limit that authenticity.
  4. Believing we are responsible for the way others feel when we are just being ourselves and behaving with authenticity out of no desire to hurt or harm.
  5. Being overly loyal, when such loyalty is not always warranted.
  6. Believing that to be good we must make sacrifices and always do our duty.
  7. Believing in unconditional love when such a belief may be harmful to our Self or other’s Selves (e.g. enabling an addiction when it is clear it is destroying another person)
  8. Believing one must always forgive regardless of how terrible the hurt or how absence the lack of remorse shown by the other party.
  9. Believing one must always smile and ‘be positive’, even when we are not feeling either happy or positive.
  10. Always trying to be the bigger person.  As Mathews explains the person who is always trying to be the bigger person does not actually belong to themselves.

The good guy who is always trying to be the bigger person is very afraid that if he takes ownership of his own life, he will feel terribly guilty.  He will feel guilty because he does not belong to himself, and he is therefore betraying those to whom he belongs.   So  he will hide his deepest essence – which, is the primary gift he has to give the world – because he cannot allow himself to really own it.  When he pretends to be the bigger person, it is to allow his life to be owned yet again by someone other than himself. This is a tragic and empty way to life… it is very possible to take ownership of our lives.

Getting out from under some of these myths can help us who struggle as good guys or emotional caretakers to start pulling back from some internalized proscriptions that do not serve us well.  They can help us begin to dispel the illusion that it is selfish to honour, protect and take care of ourselves.

 

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Teach me to care and not to care (too much)!

It’s not easy for me to even write the above headliner for this post.  I feel that at all times I need to have compassion for others and that it may be my responsibility to do something to make things better, after all isn’t that what open hearted, caring people do?  That said I know when I get into trouble by being over concerned for another person’s suffering.  It then affects me a lot and makes it harder for me to live my life, I may also feel that if I don’t show enough empathy or compassion I am being mean or may lose connection or love when really I may just be trying to draw a boundary between not over giving and my own needs.

In the early days of my last relationship a lot of it was given over to hearing all about the pain of my ex’s past failed relationship with a girlfriend who went into a psychosis.  I am not entirely clear but I am sure drugs of some kind were involved at the time.  I was abstinent then for over 13 years of sobriety and knowing I was a sober person in recovery attracted him to me, while we were together he tried to ‘pretend’ he wasn’t in to drinking or drugging though I would never put that kind of pressure on a relationship ever as my ex husband drank moderately throughout all the 11 years of our marrage.  I had alarm bells go off when he was down playing not only this last person he was in relationship with as well as his ex wife, saying all kinds of things about her and how she let him down which turned out to be all untrue when I found out the real story a few months after our relationship ended.  Toward the end I also heard he had been drinking and drugging behind my back and then trying to blame me for putting pressure on him NOT To which I NEVER did.

Anyway, all throughout the relationship I was often pressured to give up my boundary if I was to gain his love.  He made it clear early on that his needs came first.   I was to keep in line and support him as he needed it and it was made clear that if I got ‘over emotional’ I would be shut out, sometimes for days or weeks at a time.  Sadly I was starting to grieve so many of my earlier losses just before I met him and that relationship gave me an opportunity to lift the lid on a lot of pain that I was then shamed and blamed for.   I was told that I must do therapy but it was out of the question for him….

Long story short I ended up giving myself away to be loved and in the end losing myself along the way while unconsciously blaming myself for not measuring up.  And now that I am thinking of trying to have a relationship again a lot of this is rearing its head…..I have a lot of fears based on past things he said to me that still dog me even though several therapists have pointed out to me that they were not reasonable nor true.

This time around I know I need to take care of me and keep my boundaries strong.   I can be compassionate but not fall for sob stories, even after that last relationship I got scammed on internet sites twice for not large sums of money (but considerable ones).  I ended up putting a boundary in place with the first guy and was foolish to trust the second one when he said it was just a loan to cover an over extension that would be paid back in a few weeks. It was just another lesson in a different form.

Anyway it was while thinking of this issue that I just picked up Bev Aisbett’s book on 30 Days 30 Ways to Overcome Anxiety and it opened to page 158 of Day 23 entitled “None of Your Beeswax” a chapter devoted to the dangers of people pleasing (which she points out is very common to people experiencing anxiety, in her words “especially if LITTLE YOU is seeing others as having POWER over you”).

if you’re trying to keep everyone happy (usually at your own expense) then you’re either letting people wander all over your space, doing what they like in YOUR territory, or you’re jumping the fence to fix their broken tape or dig up their weeds while they LET YOU.

RESCUING is another form of people pleasing.  It means you spend a lot of time worrying about others’ problems, advising them, jumping in to help them if you think they aren’t up to doing things themselves.

While all this sounds NOBLE it can, in fact, be a big factor in keeping your OVERWHELMED and ANXIOUS.  That is because you’re not only trying to meet your own needs (if at all) but you are also second guessing the needs of OTHERS.

Freeing yourself from wobbly boundaries is the undertanding that you can’t really SAVE anyone; nor is it your job.  It is also the understanding that what others do is not yours to TAKE ON BOARD, nor CONTROL.

The only way for a person to solve his or her problem is first to OWN it and take RESPONSIBILITY for it.  Not everyone one WILL do that but basically, if it’s not YOUR problem, it’s not yours to SOLVE.

The only thing you have CONTROL over is how you RESPOND to their behavior.

When you spend less time worrying about what someone ELSE is doing, you have more time to get you sorted

According to Aisbett a key clue to the fact we may have lost a boundary or over run it is : feelings of resentment during or after an interaction.  When working with boundaries we also need to be honest about when reactions are coming out of a fear of disapproval from someone.  We need to be fearless and honest in stating our limit about what we need and don’t need as well and this can be threatening or triggering if we fear abandonment due to past issues.

As I look back to my difficult relationship with my ex I can now see he had no problem with setting his own boundaries and I am sure I had lesson in this regard.  A failure of empathy though is an issue which can be damaging.

We can show empathy to someone without feeling like we need to fix or solve things for them.  Showing empathy actually has been proved to increase the production of feel good hormones such as oxytocin.  But when empathy becomes over care, over concern and over giving, it soon becomes problematic and may come from a refusal at times to take care of our own life.  It may also be a strong contributing factor to anxiety.

A head’s up on intuitive empathy.

I just wanted to write this post to help and inform any followers or readers who know or feel they may be empaths (and this often applies to the Highly Sensitive amongst us, although according to Elaine Aron there is a difference between HSP’s and empaths) out there.  I just listened to a very good two CD set by psychiatrist and energy worker, Judith Orloff on positive energy practices for what she calls intuitive empaths.

I truly do believe that we were all born with intuition.  I believe as babies and children we were open and aware to energies out there and felt by osmosis things in the environment which entered us way before we found words to make meaning or sense of them.

If you read some books on borderline personality disorder they make the claim that people who end up with this kind of diagnosis or way of being in the world were actually more highly wired or keyed in emotionally to shadow stuff and then if that kind of sensitivity is coupled with a cold, rejecting or emotionally invalidating or discounting environment the capacity to self soothe and respond in a positive way is lost as well an appreciation of the self and within the self for the degree of sensitivity and attunement we do have.  We can then get wounded or hurt in such ways and more deeply and when these wounds and hurts are not treated with compassion and care.  Without self knowledge and self protective boundaries our behaviour and responses in later life can become problematic.  There can also be a tendency to seek self soothing through the use of addictions or other destructive behaviours as ways of coping with overload.

Being wounded as a highly sensitive person though is not what I started out to address in this post. What I wanted to share is that how as an intuitive and empathic person you are open all of the time to signals in the environment as well as energies that other just may not be.  If you are empathic, your energy naturally goes out in love and care towards others and then you can become subject to energy vampires or those who pull on your energy in ways that may not be healthy for you.  If you are conditioned to over ride the body feelings that let you know you are losing your boundary or absorbing difficult emotions from others it can be counterproductive as well as bad for both your physical and emotional health to be around those who are not taking care of their own energy.

Judith Orloff shares in her work about how as a child she was naturally open to feeling things and seeing things and her mother’s response was to shut her down or tell her she got things wrong or should not feel or see what she was.  Slowly she came to awareness of how such responses actually sent her away from her own gifts.  She now works as a therapist with people who so often struggle and over ride their own intuition and get prayed upon or put down by those who do not really fully appreciate the truth of who they are.

For anyone who may be interested here is the link to Judith Orloff and the mentioned CD.

PEP Jo.jpg

As intuitive empaths ecognising when our energy is getting sucked on or when we are carrying other people’s stuff is very important to not only our emotional and psychological health but to our physical health as well.  Having strategies to deal in effective ways is also important and some of these are explored on these 2 CDs by Judith.