Birthing through struggle



Our struggle is, in many ways what births us.  I think this is the deeper reason behind why we can feel pissed or ripped off when people tell us platitudes like “it was all for a reason” which is something that formed a large chunk of a post I posted earlier with a quote from Debbie Ford on the shadow.  Even as I was posted it I thought how being told that suffering was all part of the divine plan may anger or be intensely triggering for some reason as the last thing we really all want is to suffer and coming to see the wisdom in awful pain and suffering or abuse is something we have to arrive at in our own time and through our own process.

A central tenant of Buddhist wisdom, though is the fact that suffering is intrinsic to life and we only have power over how we choose to respond.  Do we curse it or bless it?  Do we put our focus on the lack or the gain?  And as I write this it occurs to me that struggle  even attends our first moments on earth depending on how easy or difficult our birth was.

Birthing as a physical being is also not the same as birthing ourselves on a psychological or spiritual level.  For that birth is something that can be stymied or thwarted depending on the environment we were born into and how well it matched out intrinsic soul need.  And then we have the thorny aspect of family karma.  If we come from a family where in past generations traumas, loss and separation from love manifesting in alcoholism or addiction were strong themes.  Add to this the fact of the collective traumas that our families of the past were subject to, to greater or lesser degrees and that is a lot of historic struggle to unravel and unpack.

Understanding my own family karma and patterns has made it a little easier for me to reach for forgiveness lately.   I see how much my own two families, of mother and father were impinged upon by collective events of war and depression.  I see how a battle to survive meant my family was full of struggle and so the issue of nurture was a difficult one.  At times I have felt a bit selfish to be honestly lately when I realise how my own mother struggled in the absence of a dead father and mother who was constantly absent due to providing for her daughter.  At the age of 13 my grandmother also wanted my Mum to go live with a family and become a domestic servant.  I think by then she had a new man on the horizon or maybe she just thought this would give her daughter a better chance at survival.  My Mum rebelled and found herself a job as a tailor’s apprentice.

At age 13 I went into the family business, a clothing store, part time and on weekends.  It was on one of the weekends 4 years later that I had my major motor vehicle smash which aborted my entire last semester of school.  I never formally graduated.  Times of transition or cyclic new birth times are therefore difficult and full of fear for me.  I fear at these kind of times I will literally die.  I had the whole thing retriggered when my marriage ended taking myself far away and smashing up.  I see that this is what I chose to do even though a large part of my soul hungered to stay close to my own Mum at that time.   Separation, transitions and new steps forward are especially fraught for me and that isn’t my fault.  I undergo a lot of separation anxiety.  The best I can do lately is work to become more conscious of the pattern and love myself through it.

Yesterday the beat up voice was back telling me how little I have amounted to my life, casting its distainful gaze on my home and telling me I should end my life.  I was lucky enough to cry from the inner child and then the loving adult showed up and told the critic to back off.  I know the critic is trying to protect me from something but the cost of his criticism on my tender soul is too brutal.  Would the world really be better off if I were dead, as the critic said yesterday?  I don’t think so.  Am I really such a fuck up? And is my life over yet?  NO!

I know in my life I have struggled in all sorts of ways.  I don’t carry deep within me an implicit feeling of trust, security and safety in this life.  I tend to see the negative side and anticipate disaster.  I know more now and that it is a protective mechanism but it isn’t one that always serves me well.  I struggle with believing all the harsh things that happened to me were all part of a plan but in another way I do believe it.  And I was so blessed to get sober at 31.

I may have struggled in later years but my sober life is a big achievement and all the emotional work I have done since.  I don’t check out for the most part,  I front up and try to live and engage to the best of my ability.  And my struggle on many levels is both what births me as well as keeping me realistic and grounded.  Much of my own shadow is not full of darkness but full of repressed light and love.  Its only lately  I am feeling that it is finally putting in an appearance after years and years and years of living in the closet. As someone who almost drowned in her own shadow I am so grateful now that I don’t have to identify myself as permanent scapegoat or victim.  At one time I was powerless over all kinds of things and they did victimise me.  But I also now choose to say, that these things were things I survived and chose to face, not that there is any sin in not doing so, for some darkness weighs too heavy upon more gentle souls and can drown them, especially if there is no one there help with the grand archetypal battle with the inner critic/shame based/shadow.

That is a profound truth that I most implicitly understand.   Yesterday when my inner battle was going on a voice inside my head asked me this.  “Deborah, which voice are you going to give power to, the voice of love or the voice of fear and hate?”  Yesterday I chose love and as I consider the entire thing this afternoon for the rest of my life I want love to be the final word, most of all love for myself, love for the struggle and love for my fellow humans.

You didn’t protect me

I just had a watershed moment after briefly connecting with my sister at the markets and touching on the recent death of her daughter in law’s father about how alone I was following the death of my Dad and how prior to that Dad never protected me from Mum’s angry whirlwind energy and perfectionist project which was part of an onslaught on me from a very young age.

Byron Brown’s book which shows how we engage with the introjected critic from a young age in three ways, counterattack, rationalisation or by absorbing and collapsing in reaction to its energy has mirrored insights I came to following reading Pete Walker’s book on Complex PTSD a year or so ago but Brown expresses this information in a more useable way showing how each matter of relating means we respond from one of three bodily levels, gut, head or heart.

You will need to read the book to find the outline of the information he presents in it but his basic explanation is that early on we learn to take in the criticism that is not fair on us and identify with it even when we are defending against it, rationalising it away or using it to fall into a depression or psychic paralysis we are wedded to the critical energy and it exerts profound power over us.  When we respond to inner or outer criticism with any of these three methods we are in fact ‘hooked’ by the idea that in some way the critic is right or that we deserve such criticism on some level.  From this position we self reject and so disempower the helpful response which would be to let the critic’s criticism fly past us without reacting, instead staying connected to love and compassion for self from our inner centre.   Which is a powerful position of letting go.

I found myself crying on the way to the market after reading the chapter Engaging the Judge for I remembered how often as a child I was on the end of ‘attacks’ from my Mum.  I would defend against these attacks, sometimes by flying into rages or even pulling knife on my Mum at one stage after it had gone on for years and Dad would just sit on the sidelines and do nothing to help except say to my Mum behind my back “her mouth is her defence”.

I internalised my Mum’s own shame as I see it now and this is why my father’s death had such an affect on me, regardless of the fact I had no one nearby to comfort or protect me after he died, I was also without the inner protection I needed from internalised criticism due to my upbringing and I think this realisation is what really brought me undone this afternoon. I also identified how often when others criticise or hurt me I rationalise the pain away rather than feel it and I have also allowed it to enter me and overtake me so badly that at the end of my marriage I had completely absorbed it and collapsed under its weight.

Add to that this afternoon we were speaking about how much support my niece in law has around her following her Dad’s death and that triggers the deep pain that following my own father’s death I was completely unsupported which is why I left the meeting with my sister with a bursting chest and tears fell when I was soon out of the carpark.

In a way this blog isn’t really for my readers although I do hope some others gain some insight into how their own inner critic may not belong to them, it is my attempt to put in black and white what I have gone through.  I am recognising how emotionally abandoned I have been not only after my Dad’s death but by so called boyfriends and friends who didn’t recognise the full brunt of what I was going through in those painful years age 23 – 31 and even into recovery both with my ex husband and last partner.

On the way home from the markets I listened to Massive Attack’s song Protection full bore as I recognised how the loving arms I needed around me were never there.

I was never protected and even worse my own deep pain was never validated nor understood anywhere apart from with one or two therapists …oh and yes, on here with those who have gone through the same devastating soul crunching emotional abandonment in their own lives.  I watch other’s struggle with the critic’s attacks of their own process when they are opening to deep and valid emotional pain, so long buried in their own souls.  I recognise what they go through when that inner critical voice tries to shame them for feeling or starting to depend on someone who finally WILL protect them when the fear of being hurt again is so huge.

All I can say is that such recovery takes so much courage and so much work for the worst ever thing would be for the critic to jump in at the most critical stage of healing and cause us one again to sabotage the process.  This is exactly what happened to me in two therapies, the first I started in July 1992 and the second attempt in 2001 and I am reliving that pain as the anniversary of the head smash up accident of 2005 draws close.  It was after this I met with astrologer Melanie Reinhardt and she gave me the gift of Byron Brown’s book a gift I could not open for 12 years.  Ouch and double ouch and triple ouch, but thank God now I can start to get a handle on so much in my own life and psyche that has been for me a permanent stumbling block.

Brown’s book is helping me so much because he brings recognition to a process whereby we can help ourselves by becoming more mindful and recognising too that our soul really is the part of us we most need to connect to in order to heal.  On one level our soul or essence or pure being can never be open to criticism, what flows out of it when our own energy is lovingly received (which happens for so few of us in) should be natural experiences of flow and discharge of essential energies inside of the soul and our inner being.

When all we meet in the outer world from day one is forms of resistance to the flow of our innate energy, hungers and needs which issue from the soul we naturally begin to dam ourselves up with alarming consequences, However later in life we can become more conscious once we learn to tap into who we really are deep inside, that instinctive innate part of which knows how to be and what to do freed of a hundred and one defences of the inner critic we internalised over years, inner voices and judgements which keep us locked up in defensive responses and reactions that keep us trapped and locked up inside.

Golden flame


Darling you were never born for the dark

with that light that shone

like golden sunlight in your smile

don’t you see why they wanted to kill it

or cut you down to a size

that would fit the small box they lived in

you thought it scary and strange

but where is there for you to go but out

out of this body,

out of this life,

in to drugs and booze

the refuge where you can turn

all burning and hurting inside

drinking wildfire down

 taking it into your stomach

acid rain

so much pain

for years and years and years

and then deep into the wilderness you travelled

wandering with cut off hands

you found the prince to rescue you

he took you to the land he knew

and you grieved there deeply

for other lives and pain

you only knew unconsciously

through deeper cells

now you stand beyond it

on an open plain

a place

where all the darkness suddenly reveals

the truth

loss of a consciousness

that could only be birthed in a later generation

through your own complete exile from love

you travelled alone

so deep down into the dark

and found there after all the weeping

a buried light

a small hidden flickering flame

a tiny ember of life

guarding it you sought and sought

the den of the wise woman

here you nurture it together

until everything is aflame

and you finally know your own truth

and finally is revealed

your golden hidden self

that shines with a radiance

nothing can diminish

Behind these barricades

Behind these barricades

My heart was bursting

With love and desire

And need and hunger and wanting

These expressions of my soul

Longing to take root in world and body

But long ago

Inhabiting this heart and this body

Cane to feel too risky

Too raw, too unsafe

And so I began to disconnect and protect

This heart, this fire, this longing

I followed teachings that spoke of the perils of desire

Not realising how much pure desire was subverted

And was the hunger of my deep soul

My true self

Seeking to take root and blossom

But now I am awakening to love

Beyond these prison walls of disconnection and fear

To the realisation of how we all struggle

And how so little of it was personal

How much of fear we share

And my longing to be and live and express

Runs free like a river

I feel its power which is my power

Which is my soul and myself

Which is my love

And I open my heart

To embrace it all


Understanding ourselves as empaths

I personally wish we would educate our children more about the most important things in life, self knowledge and acceptance being the absolute first priority.  Instead what happens in families and in schools?  We are taught fairly early on that we need to fit into the system and if we don’t the price is a judgement or a label or exile of some kind.  And this kind of shit can take years to wake up from.  Tell a child for so long that she has something wrong with her or is bad or evil or should feel ashamed for feeling and expressing certain emotions including anger and soon enough you have a shut down person who is in conflict with her own auto-immune system.  Pure and simple, people. You have raised a people pleaser, someone who has been educated not to trust her own gut instinct.  Punish him or her enough with words or gestures in invasion or invalidation abuse and you have someone who is carrying a pain body of fear and terror so deep down inside that it is barely conscious.   Then watch as the person in the absence of care and comfort, protection and support, empathy and understanding begins to turn to addictions and substance or other wounding people who keep him or her locked in a prison inside where every real, raw authentic emotional response is buried and then wait for the suppressed emotional charge to come calling like Vesuvius, possibly around age 21, 31 or 41 or even later for older generations.

All this goes double for empaths.  For those sensitive, awake, gifted, deeply intuitive children that arrive on this planet.  Psychological writer Alice Miller has devoted several books to this issue.  The first and most important being called The Drama of the Gifted Child.  In this book she explains the plight of such a child, raised in a family with a focus chronically turned outwards to ideals and standards and to parental needs, a family in which the true needs and character of the child lay unrecognised and even become invalidated in all kinds of ways.  The pain of this kind of lack of validation and recognition lives on deep within us,  as empaths in absence our own needs being met, we turn towards others to meet their needs, hoping that if we become good enough emotional witnesses, sponges and caretakers in some way our needs will be fulfilled and in a way they are to one degree, we at least get some kind of connection, but it may come at such a high price that we pay with our own cell tissue ultimately ending up with a chronic fatigue illness, cancer or other auto-immune problem.

And as well as this our empathy is even more heightened.  We become sponges of the shadow energies and we can begin to become the mops to clean it up.  I wonder too if this is how so many of us become ill in families.  What our hearts and minds cannot know or admit and our bodies cannot feel gets dumped in cell tissue.  Our cell tissue may be literally vibrating with sensed or absorbed charge.

Presence to energy stored as trapped or dumped emotion is the only way I see out of this dilemma.   Just such a process is spoken of in great deal in Michael Brown’s book The Presence Process.  One thing he doesn’t seem to discuss though is how as empaths we can pick up the charge from others from their energy field, it will then trigger something in our energy field we must process.  We need to be aware when we are with others as empaths of what we are picking up. Is it ours? Does it resonate on some level?  What does our inner child have to say and feel about it?  Where is the inner critic messing up our compass or leading us astray with what it may be telling us?  Also have we, by a process of psychic contagion been picking up negative thought forms of others without them having to say a word?

This is where todays blog ends, it has been pretty much stream of consciousness about what has been arising today and what I am sensing and learning.  If we are empathic, if we have known pain and trauma we have high geared emotional antenna.  We need to learn to use it well, so that as empaths we are not debilitated and so we don’t become numb to our own unintegrated emotions from childhood still trying to work through us. In an increasingly disconnected and shut down world we also have to be aware of who we turn to when in distress, for others may lack the capacity to relate to the depth of our suffering, if they have not a clue what empaths suffer and can carry in the unconscious for years and possibly even over generations.


The judge


All you do is sit on high

And from your lofty perch

Rain down judgement on my soul

You are the voice of ‘reason’

Of so called ‘sanity’

Which is actually insane

From the point of view of the soul

But who sees from there

In a sick society that is chronically

Externally focused?

We who turn within

Who open up presence and the witness in our soul

Open too to your attacks

But they are not the voice of love or unity

But of fear and separation

That want to cleave us from healing

So judge

I will listen to you speak

But wont be hooked by what you say

I choose trust

I choose self belief

I choose love

Happy Daze


Dazed in happiness

I am sugar coated in smiles

These are not the fake smiles

Of pretending I am doing fine

These genuine smiles of sunshine radiance

Suppressed so long along in a childhood where

I had to numb/dumb down

Be seen and never heard

But also not to be seen or take up space

Life was for adults bent on serious fun

That didn’t involve childhood joy

But now these smiles that light up my face

Are the solar beam of my hearts’ radiance

Falling free from my mouth

And lighting my eyes from deep inside

I am home in the place that is truly me

The space I vacated long ago

And learned to cover over

When I learned that joy and exuberance

Was to be feared

Was a sign of mania


Funereal black hooded nun devils

You cut off all joy and told us what was juicy and raw

Was all evil

Turning living backwards

Shoving it deep down inside us

Making us believe lies


Joy is what you naturally feel

When your heart is awake

And your soul is on fire

And you body is alive

When you can say

With every fibre of your being

This is me

No apology

No argument

This smile is real

And your negativity

Can’t take it away from me!

400 followers : some reflections on darkness, light, anger, love and pain

Fear of the Dark

I cannot believe that today I had a 400th follow…. At times I question what I write.  I know how I have struggled with the darkness, sadness and fear inside of me and often the inner critic who I named ‘Mr A’ in previous post is on my back or whispering in my ear that its not okay, that I should be stronger or more sorted or brighter or more positive than I can feel on some days.  Often it’s only when I get to therapy which is a space where I feel fully seen and accepted and held do I get to see if I have gone off base or have been missing the mark with some of the things I have been writing.

Today I am really seeing and feeling how my past has limited me and kept a brace around my heart of old hurts that could not really burst the confines of things.  I am sure over the years many of those 400 followers have fallen away and I know at times I have gone over and over and over and over old ground but that as we were discussing in therapy today is purpose of becoming conscious, seeing the way in which old patters driven by deep wounds in the dark of the unconscious may be fuelling the compulsion to repeat or feelings of not being ‘good enough’ or deserving enough.

And what past trauma that hasn’t been unpacked or depotentised does to us is that it keeps us pinned to a dark sticking place that attaches our consciousness most often to negative world views and can shatter any sense of hope we have for something better…. colouring everything dark.  We do need to go over and over and over our trauma story until things become clearer and the need to feel the impact not just intellectualise it is imperative.  With each revolution or working through more is revealed and we understand more deeply than we could before when the truth was hidden and we were closer or too immersed in forces that shaped us unconsciously.  New triggers are necessary for us to understand earlier pains, reactions or losses.

Katina and I were discussing shame and guilt in therapy today.  I have a lot of shame and feelings of fear of being found lacking or good enough which I carried from a young age.  My drinking was an attempt to shut the negative feelings and fears and voices down.  It only worked for a time but then they would come back with a vengeance.  Also critical times of others failing to show empathy did not help me to throw off these ‘not good enough’ shackles.  All I can say is thank God for therapy, there are least for a time I get a reprieve and a reality check.  Today what came out of our discussion was how much I really have worked and how much I have to give others in terms of being present and able to hold them when they are going through dark times.  Lately my Mum has been opening up to me because she knows all the work I do in therapy and deep down inside she longs to be able to talk to someone and break the family pattern of locking it all up inside.  This talking about things and being present is a positive gift that I have to give others and it does me and others no service if I don’t honour it.  I didn’t get 400 follows because I write ‘shit’, Mr A!!

Today I had a lovely surprise, a message from my second cousin in Holland who visited briefly in January.   I actually met him on the day I got Michael Brown’s book the Presence Process and it seems he is involved in emotional release work of his own at present and was reaching out to offer me help with trapped emotions.  I told him of the work I have been doing in recovery and therapy with my emotions.   Maybe he reached out to me because when he was here I shared with him how I gave up opportunities to live far from home due to my dead sister’s disability and as usual I may have been strong in showing my vulnerable self but also not really honouring how much I have learned and grown as a result.

And it seems to me that lately I need to be acknowledging my power as much as my past powerlessness, for when we choose to face things instead of covering them up and admit our vulnerability there is power we find in and through that.  The prospect of going to visit Europe next year is a hopeful one, for I will feel even stronger after I face the current dental challenges which will take about 3 or more months.

Today I also logged on to Facebook to see photos of two sets of grand niece and nephews birthday images.  These are the grandchildren of my beautiful passionate sister Judith who died 3 years ago and the twins who are 3 today were born just a month after Jude died in 2014.  I cried silently to see how much of her beautiful lively energy they carry and to recognise how the essence of a spirit no matter how damaged or wounded lives on in their children and grandchildren.  I then felt a bit sad for me that I was never able to fully heal in time to be able to bring any of my six children to birth, yet at the same time I realised that in the sadness was also a deeper acceptance as really my work over the past 22 years of recovery has involved bringing my own inner spirit to birth, life and full expression at least partially free of past crippling repressions and feelings of impotence and powerlessness  Getting that inner child of hiding free from shame and shadows that possessed or almost smothered her for years is essential work and I am well underway.

I felt the strong uprising of Leo energy today and have lost track to a degree of where the planets are at present, only know the North Node is now beginning to transit Leo and that is the point of spiritual increase.  Leos energy rules the vital part of myself that is full of joy and creative potential that I never fully got to manifest.  I see that firey, creative spirit most especially in my grand niece,  I think of all the limits and blocks on her energy my now dead older sister encountered, due in many ways to the time she was born in and what my parents endured.  Her spirit never went free until she died but her descendants carry part of it forward.   And despite all the struggles that young ones can go through these kids have loving protective parents who care enough to be emotionally available and have been fortunate enough to find loving partners who support them through emotional and mental health struggles.

It is cause for happiness to know that love can come out of pain and that the next generation does not need to pass down wounds from the former if we can just bring enough consciousness and awareness to bear.  I am so looking forward to visiting when my dental work is all done and I am feeling well enough.

Just moments before writing this post I had heard about the terrorist attack in Manchester and I thought of how separatist the wounded ego is. It wants to kill, it wants to hurt, it wants to attack, it wants to defend, it wants to maim, and when we bow down to or allow that separatist force to dominate our vital moving spirit of love, peace, joy and freedom is imprisoned. And sadly in this attack that pain has all been dumped on children who were freely trying to enjoy a happy time.

Fear blocks the love that wants to move forward to embrace, express and live, anger that has not yet learned the part wounded love or absence of love played in driving or shaping or fuelling it becomes a destructive force, sadly, a force we so badly need to harness and channel towards the positive.

We do live in complex and painful times where hatred and anger and pain have the ability to divide us and separate us off from love and in these times we have to do such work to keep reaching for hope, for love, for joy, for connectivity and for positivity.

For the light entered the darkness and the darkness knew it not.  Or the light penetrated the darkness and in revealing all the dark places made us more aware and more conscious so that we did not have to fear the dark as much.  Perhaps it is only the darkness that isn’t brought to light that causes problems.   Demons and ghosts can live in those dark places and attach to thing we cannot see there growing and growing more painful and destructive in the dark shadows, but also longing for the light.  Pain and suffering makes us aware of what has been buried, hidden or lost so that we can grieve and open our hearts wider to what is hidden it the dark and liberate what lives there from the shadows and count our blessings for what is left, and in the end it is the attitude that we take towards the dark which determines in the end if light and wisdom will prevail or the dark forces will try to eat us alive.

What if?

Broken heart.jpg

Something in my heart seems to have unlocked over the past 24 hours.  I sense the shift came today when I finally accepted I needed to have my tooth extracted.  I made the call to the dentist and she picked up while I was only 15 seconds into leaving a message.  I knew last night that I needed to accept due to the infection in my tooth it must come out.  I immediately stopped experiencing all the push pull symptoms in my body and I sensed a well of love from deep within but also all around me as I moved into surrender and acceptance.

I went outside to do some cleaning up of leaves and the thought came to me : what if I view every single thing that has happened to me as part of God’s plan to open my heart? What if I said an unconditional ‘yes’ to it all and stopped fighting it and complaining about it?  What about if I turned any pain I have over to a loving power and asked for the strength to endure?  What if I shifted my focus from how things are affecting me to how others are affected?  What if I opened my heart and just embraced life?

This morning I had the news that my sister’s daughter in law’s Dad is dying.   It wont be long now that he will end his struggle with cancer.  This afternoon I rang my sister as I knew she would not share the news with me, that she would keep it to herself but all the love I had in my heart made me want to be there and let my sister know I am here if there is anything I can do.   And I am aware that when my Mum opened up to me about it and spoke of my sister’s pain and distress, she was also suffering and being reminded of how it was to have lost a husband very close to her 60th birthday, too.

When I spoke to my sister she told me how cut up her son was. “I know everyone thinks he is a hard person, but the truth is, Deb he is so soft inside.”

I told her that my first therapist had once told me something I feel is very important.  She told me the harder the exterior of a person, the softer and more vulnerable they really felt inside, they just often have a very hard time admitting it and may have developed that hard shell like the proverbial crab to hide a tender underbelly.  I know this about my nephew that he is SO LIKE MY SISTER.  They both have strong Pisces energy opposed by Virgo, the Virgo side of being very organised and literal minded hides or defends in some way against the intense Piscean sensitivity that is so open.  I thought of what must be being triggered for my nephew at present.   He was only four years old when my Dad died and he was so sad.  He had these huge brown eyes that would look you in the soul and when Dad died this is what he said with tears in his eyes when he found out “why did he have to go and do that, we wont be able to go fishing anymore”.   I think his youngest son is now around the age that my nephew was when he lost his own grandfather.

Death makes us vulnerable.  It is the one thing that comes to us all sooner or later.   My heart goes out to my nephew and to the pain he is feeling in watching the wife he loves go through pain.  They live a very long way away and so that is putting pressure on them as my nephew’s wife left for the long trip to be with her father while my nephew stayed behind, unsure of when to go himself, unsure of how much to expose the children to.

As my sister and I talked about it this afternoon we were able to share about how we also struggled with death.  I offered to be there if they need any help at all with the kids, for it seems that these days due to the fact I have worked through a lot of my own pain I want to be there if I can and if it is needed.  If it is not then that is fine too.  And I am also becoming aware that working to accept the way things are is much easaier in the long run.  Surrendering to life’s wave, opening my heart and becoming willing to ride the tide of feelings which move me outside of former comfort zones of self protection erected against those things I can not ever really protect my self or someone else from is in the end a far better way to live in this life than just holding on and sucking in all the pain and energy in fear and resistance.  It appears to me that an open heart is a brave heart, it is the heart that is willing to be broken so that in and with the breaking new life and energy can enter and enlarge the heart’s expanse to accompany more of the good stuff, compassion, acceptance and unconditional love.

And I am beginning to understand that there is no pain that is too large to hold if and when we surrender it in open hearted non resistance to a loving God or Goddess energy that is always there ready to hold our hand and help us transform through the pain



Facing the truth we buried or locked away

Child 4

It takes courage

To face and feel the pain

To leave denial behind

The thoughts and wishes that protected us

From the full onslaught of the harm

We learned to run or take distance from

When there was no witness there

And if others turned the killer energy on us

And our emotional reality

If they tried to punish or silence us

For trying to express the truth

They may force all these feelings to go mute

Or be locked so deep inside the body

We turn upon ourselves

And try to kill off our inner child

Or silence her screams of hunger, pain and hurt

We may have locked the child away

Behind a closed door

Or sent her far away

Consigning her to the bottom of an abyss

From within which she cries

But somehow with help

We must find the courage to face the pain

To give a voice to the hurt

To name the traumas

To feel and honour what was suffered

We must turn back within

Or make the long descent

To reach that abandoned little one within us

Who so sorely needs our love, belief, witness and attention

We must bring her into our heart

Hold her close to our breast

And help her to know

That she is loved