I had a retrogressive day yesterday. I was back in the hard to get dressed and out of the house deep introspective mode yesterday after talk in therapy on Tuesday I shared about yesterday around how my needs were not met. And yet when I come to think of it its the same burden both my parents carried and was generational. I seem to be carrying the end of the line abandonment trauma that goes generations back and all my siblings are carrying their own version of it. I havent passed it on to any children as I decided not to have them and have chosen to do my inner work. So why beat myself up like I did yesterday?
I think what triggered me was that I had once again tried to heal the pain in my Mum’s heart or at least soothe it in some way. She shared that on Saturday she stayed in bed, a family friend tried to visit to give her flowers and she slept through their buzzing at the door, the friend called my sister who let her in and they were sitting on the edge of the bed when she woke up. May I say this friend has so many abandonment issues herself which have manifested in schizophrenia in her daughter. It reminds me that our wounds are not just ours and we are all reflectors, or birds of a feather flocking together. Anyway the movie Shall We Dance was on television her on Friday night and Mum was sharing how she loves the scene where Richard Gere comes up the elevator with a rose for his wife and that made me realise how much Mum was missing Dad who loved to dance too and so I went out on Sunday to buy her the movie which I dropped around after therapy on Tuesday.
Mum kept up her front until just before I left when she broke down in tears about the pre dinner nausea she suffers sharing with me she dry retched before each dinner. She has been on pain meds for over a year now and they are taking her toll. I wish she had fucking therapy so she could cry the pain out of her body or body therapy where they could hold her as she has had to hold it all inside. That is the time of day she was left alone after her father died when she was 7 and Nana had to leave her to go out to work. It breaks my heart but I didn’t cause it cannot control it and there is no way I can cure her soul burdens and losses for her, I am just a witness and the carrier and I also suffer at that time of day. As Kat and I discussed on Tuesday the inner child in me with her magical thinking cannot quite get it that she can’t help or fix any of this, she so desperately feels all that pain and tries to something, anything to help.
Anyway yesterday after phoning her to find a friend was taking her out I just started crying. It’s such a burden for me to carry all this. They were going to the Botanic Garden to have lunch on what is an elevated platform only later did it occur to me that just prior to this I had awoke from a dream in which I joined her and her best friend on a roof top looking out over a city. Was I picking up psychically on this? As an empathic intuitive it seems my soul psyche is picking up all kinds of energy in the ether.
As an astrological aside both women are Scorpios, we are still in Scorpio time and that is death time and about deeper emotional wounds that go underground, both lost partners, both have schisms with family members. I struggled with all of this yesterday and with my understanding of how I am some kind of conduit on some level. Mum asked me to lunch with her and her friend but I couldn’t go. Maybe if I had my day would have been better but I am still trying to find my independent life. On some days I wonder if that is an illusion and if my karmic destiny isn’t in some way related to this, to bringing forward deeper understandings about an ancestral past that is trying to find resolution in me? I don’t yet know the answer, I just have a lot of intuitions and questions.
Other heart concerns of yesterday : my oldest nephew`s wife has been trying to fall pregnant for over 10 years. They had their final try two weeks ago with implanted embryos and it failed again (this is about their 10th or more attempt of some kind). This is the wife of the oldest son of my sister who died. He was the one who found her collapsed on the carpet after her bleed. He was the one who took himself off to live miles away overseas. He has achieved a lot but he goes through such a struggle every time he comes back here to visit trying to reconnect. He carries the knowledge of how his father abandoned my sister and of how his father then bankrupted his own mother and father, I cannot help but feel this struggle to have kids is all tied up with ancestral karma and burdens. They now live in the UK very close to the place my step grandfather was born and grew up and UK is the land of our ancestors.
Then I go online to Facebook to see another of the skulls his younger brother paints with floral designs staring out and I cannot help but feel the God Pluto looking at me from the spaces in the skull that eyes should inhabit. This beautiful boy at the age of 6 stood behind the curtain watching as his Dad put my broken sister into the car to take her to the airport for a journey she would never return from. I believe he told the boys she has chosen to leave, they never saw her for 8 or more years and when they walked off that bus they did not know who she was. The truth was their father was, with that decision, abandoning their mother to live with another woman who made them all sleep in the garage for years. They were then sent to boarding school.
I have not yet made it north to visit my nephews. I need to do it but I am scared to. I carry the memory of all of this from the outside, what happens if I go up and collapse under the weight of it? It isn’t mine to fix I was only a bystander but I still want (no need) to give them love, comfort, understanding. Its such a tear on my heart but maintaining my Aquarian distance isn`t helping, is it?
I am aware that Saturn Lord of Karma is ending its long cycle through my fourth house of family, roots and karmic inheritance sometime in December or January. We are in the final stages of that year long cycle which begins when the Sun and Saturn meet to cast light on family karma. Reconciling or breaking the powerful unconscious hold of karma occurs as it transits the fourth house. These are truths I know deep inside. In the words of Mark Woitiz, It Didn’t Start With Me but I hope it ends here. I want us connected, not separated or divided but sometimes it seems I forget or don’t know exactly what role I am meant to play or whether I am supposed to be here or walk away or if I can really help in that task with my own small will. I don`t want to walk away, that is an old family pattern and where ever we go we take our karma with us until we reconcile the ill matched threads of our fate. Maybe on some level I am now making my peace with it.