Angry with my family

Anger

I am not going to deny my anger any more.  I have legitimate reasons to be very angry at my family and my mother and sister in particular for what they put me through following the end of my marriage and even in the years before where I was just never treated with support, empathy and love.  I am sick to death of denying the truth to myself, rationalising it and minimising it.  I just spoke to my therapist and she said my anger needs to flow out and I need to find ways to do that today… write about it in your blog, draw it out or scream it out, do what ever you need to do to get it out of your system she said to me and so this blog is part of that process.  Internalised, invalidated anger has been kicking around inside my system for so long, it resulted in my accidents and in my alcoholism.  Part of my recovery is that I need to speak about it and value and validate my inner self and inner child.

I recognise what happened when I spoke to my mother yesterday when writing my blog A hollowed out shell was that by crying and becoming really vulnerable my Mum roped me into compassion.  Earlier on I had ended the conversation when she was once again telling me I needed to forget about things and put them behind me.   She called me back out of guilt to ask me to dinner and at first I said no and then wanted to relent when she showed me how much pain she was in and how insecure and unable to truly express herself she feels.  While I feel compassion for her I cannot let that over ride my own anger about what happened to me for it is anger that lets me know something hurt me deeply and wasn’t okay and that then helps me set some kind of boundary.  If I get told I shouldn’t have it or feel it that is invalidation abuse pure and simple and if the person is trying to guilt me out of it that is worse abuse.  Full stop! No argument, no debate!

I had a difficult day yesterday.  I noticed I got onto You Tube and posted some videos in two posts which although they had interesting insights don’t really help me to cut to the depth of dealing with the trauma and anger I am still carrying from the head injury that happened to me 12 years ago as the result of my sister and my mother’s meanness. At that stage I needed support and help to heal and grieve and know my truth, but I see how impossible this is to attain from anyone in my family they were just not that awake to the inner self or emotional realities.  My Mum is close to waking up but she seriously needs therapy.  I am sick of trying to be her therapist.  It isn’t my job really and she often told me that its not a good idea to go to others with your problems.  Her bottom line is that you need to work things out alone but that comes from a childhood where she was left alone and had to figure things out all alone.  Yesterday she was touching into deep realities and she told me how she feels so helpless and alone with no one much to talk to about all the things she goes through.  I want to say “well Mum get some therapy” but she never would.  So I end up being the font of all compassion but my compassion now is only prepared to extend so far when no recognition of past hurts or any apology has been forthcoming.

Second reason for anger and terribly acute body symptoms over the past few days has been unresolved issues with my living sister.  She was so awfully mean to me at the aforementioned time, telling me I was a selfish little girl and that I had had a shit of a life and she pitied me.  Oh and also going behind my back to my nephew (my older dead sister’s son) who I was really establishing a close relationship with and telling him how jealous I was of her.  Luckily at that time (just under 3 years ago now) he told me and I confronted her on the day we putting a party on for my mother.  I wish I had just walked out for at first she tried to deny it and then she said he had no right to tell me and then that she thought it was true.  But what I actually think is true is that the situation was the reverse and narcissists always believe they are so wonderful that the universe is jealous of them, why I do not know when the are such superiority junkies looking down their noses at all and sundry.  I have never been that person, as those who know me and have told me its just NOT ME.

Anyway she has softened somewhat in later years and actually did give me a grudging apology about what occurred in 2005 when I confronted her and Mum about it 2 years ago around this time of year.  But it was in no way an apology that came from her heart or truly recognised the damage done and the other day when she rang me about my tooth issue concerned to see how I was, it was I who ended up apologising to her for reacting to the horrible way she traated me.  Did I need to apologise  NO!  And my inner child is very upset with adult me about it and let me know as I woke up with shocking PTSD symptoms yesterday.  Whenever I see my sister my anxiety level goes through the roof and I was telling my therapist today that it was because I feel there is a lot of anger and hurt my body is carrying and the only way it has to come out is as anxiety.  But the mixed up irony is that as anxious as I feel I try even harder to bond with her and its a trauma bond and end up having an extra coffee with her even though its not really good for me to do it, because I feel she may be lonely.

I am aware as I write all this out it may seem like sour grapes to some.  I don’t really care as what you think isn’t my issue.  But what I need to know and see more clearly which is why I am putting it out there in black and white is how I can over ride my own impulses and intuitions. I often find my inner critic attacks my real attempts at feeling the truth of my feelings and most particularly that includes genuine expressions of anger.

Katina, my therapist was today reminding me that as much compassion as I feel I also need to remind myself that its okay to be angry.  So many of the messages around me growing up in family and Catholic school were based on anger being a ‘bad’ or negative emotion, when really anger is a signal of something from our deepest, truest inner self.  If we deny or over ride our own angry impulses we end up in such strife.  I have had so many accidents due to traumas from my past or pain replaying over in the present moment and this is one of the saddest facts about trauma,  it tends to attract more of the same to us but most particularly for those of us who were taught to value compassion, rationalisation and excuses over valid expression of anger.  So many times I have been told I better be careful as anger is dangerous, but this is only the case when it is not cleanly and clearly expressed, or if it is expressed aggressively.   We need to be so mindful of where our sore angry spots lie because when triggered they are signs of something from the past that needs to be dealt with or is calling for our awareness or attention, if we don’t pay attention we are in trouble  It won’t do us any good to act our anger out on those who really are just triggering a massive back log of past stuff but we still need to be aware that such people aren’t good to be around on a long term basis.  I am sad to say that goes for my family at present, much as I long for their love, when they are around it comes with huge reminders of pain from the past.  I have not ‘let it go’ yet, it hasn’t let go of me.

Its difficult writing this, as I was the television was just turned on by some automatic process.  I went over and Jasper my dog had his ear on the remote but what was most interesting was that it was a show called Compass and was on a priest’s life, and at that moment in time he was speaking of the ‘false ego’ that has to die if we want to fully embrace our humanity.  It made me question the wisdom of hanging onto my anger.  Maybe my sister had changed now and has soften, maybe she regrets what she did to me all of those years ago.  Maybe my mother wishes she hadn’t been so cruel to have chosen my sister over me when I was ‘too sad’ grieving at the end of my marriage.  I truly don’t know the answers to these questions.  Is my anger coming from ‘false ego’?  Is that why the television automatically came on?  I don’t know either but I am putting this in my blog as part of the mental process I go through on a day when I am trying to make sense of and deal with this anger from the past and the deep wound in me that gets triggered around this time of year.  I feel less angry now after writing this.  I have attempted to express my true reality, for what it is worth.   And I appreciate any feedback or any sharing from others about how you have dealt with your own anger.

And in the interest of openness the following are just a selection of anger quotes I came across on line :

 

 

Time Out

Lay down with it

I have been taking time away from blogging and electronic media, time to get closer to being, to the present, to feel my soul and to what arises in that space.  I am seeing with great clarity how I hammer myself with criticism and how much that comes out of old pain.

I experienced depths of rage yesterday I thought may blow me apart.  It didn’t but today I have a dull headache, feeling all that anger had a big impact on my body so this morning I sat quietly with Jasper stretched out beside me, listening to my soul, listening to my old pain, feeling the enormity of it, seeing judgements the critic was trying to rain down then hearing the strong uprising of love, self forgiveness and compassion from deep within, feeling myself float in an ocean of peace way beyond the agony of the deep twisting pain I was in yesterday.

As I was contemplating there it occurred to me how shallow the critic is in its judgements and observations.  It doesn’t see the full deep complex humanity of things, it thrives on absolutes and black/white categories, wrong/right, bad/good polarities.  In no way does it embrace the mysterious totality, it narrows our heart’s space, confining us and others in that toxic prison.

In contrast the open expansiveness of self love and forgiveness frees our souls from breathless confinement.  Pain eclipses our view of all rational reference points while forcing us to travel much deeper below the surface of things.  We penetrate mysteries and feel restored to depths difficult to communicate, we feel the release of peace, a wide open vista, often only after those terrible days on which the intensity of our sadness, fear or anger felt completely overpowering.   On these awful days, difficult as they are we are recognising, feeling and releasing something.

Yesterday showed me how much resentment I have towards my mother over things from the past.  There is always a trigger and on Tuesday it was finding out that I have to wait 3 months to have the infected tooth removed and that there was no way they would move anything to accommodate me earlier despite the fact that the infection is painful and having a negative impact on my system, despite the fact I was crying in pain, despite the fact I was led to believe the tooth would be coming out next month.

This put me back in that old powerless painful place where there is nothing I can do get the help at the time I needed the help, and yet despite this and the fact my therapist offered me an extra session to make up for the one we will miss today,  I didn’t take it, which made me see that sometimes I don’t reach for the things I want or need because I feel I shouldn’t or should put my needs on hold and I see now how the two are related for in childhood I was indeed deeply powerless over things my mother did, ways she held us hostage in fear, ways in which our bodies drenched in fear had to lock down into anxious hyper alert while waiting with anxious trepidation to see what may be flung at us or fly through the air possibly to hit us!!!!  Powerless, powerless, powerless and then my father DID NOTHING.  HE JUST LAUGHED!!!!

After writing that sentence on one level I can laugh too, but I also see how for a child these things are not funny, they are deadly serious, they are full body/soul experiences which engage every molecule and cell with in us and lock the effects in tissue deep inside until a later time when old cell, trigger, imprints are once again engaged.  And then we blame our selves or others blame us because we have frozen, gone mute, collapsed, rationalised or got paralysed.  WTF!!!  Inner, outer critic you see nothing, you know nothing!

Re sent ment.  Anger we resend over and over and over again, replaying it in our systems, replaying it in our relationships, both in the partners we attract as well as the way we react or fail to react and yet this anger is our vital life’s energy and blood, it is the part of us that makes us know something is happening to us that isn’t right, the pain of the splinter we swallow and that continues to roam around inside of us shows the place where we most need to bestow on our own soul and process awareness, consciousness, present attention and love.

Today I am going easy on myself.  Today I am not going to replay that old pain over and over and over again.  Yesterday I finally got to scream it out over the phone with my Mum but not ‘at’ her.  Yesterday I finally got my body and soul to say HOW MUCH IT ‘F’ING HURT!!!  Today I have maybe on some level ingested the anger to such a degree that body spasm is letting me go and the concertina of pull in/push out symptoms working out are abating as my body has shown me how much of the pain it carried had so little to do with me and was about a far larger and longer generational history playing out.  The anger coming at me wasn’t mine but being powerless and on the receiving end of it meant I then got that upload or down load of anger and fear like a shot of adrenaline into my system.

And today I got to forgive myself for all the pain that caused so many ill effects, for in the end I was never to blame.  I was never a bad person.  I was only a person who was struggling with the impact of so much,so often alone.   And I was the one who said, when I got sober, something deeper is going on here and I am going to break the cycle and turn back within to find out what it is.

It’s going to be some time until I can totally forgive others, but I know I am on the way.   Forgiveness is starting with myself and its what I must live, if I ever really want to be free.  It seems so clear to me that forgiveness can only come AFTER we have lived through and fully acknowledged the painful consequences of what hurt and damaged us and found the deeper reality, painful as that is.   I may never be able to forget all that I was powerless over but allowing the opening of a peaceful place of self forgiveness and unconditional acceptance inside reveals to me an expansive space within which everything can be met with love even hate, resentment and anger, if these two are, as I suspect, just darker forms of soul expression.   Such an opening shows me that peace is possible, does exist,  out in an open field where the sun shines on a new day free of the strangle hold of pain and is found when pain is accepted and entered deeply rather than resisted, only then can it perform its alchemy on our soul.

Mindfulness and panic attacks : some insights from Debra Campbell.

We are not problems to be addressed or sentences to be corrected. (Our) fault lines have a beauty and history that reach back before words.  They must be honoured.  They can’t completely be talked away, although this can help.  They won’t be bulldozed into non existence.  The past that put them there cannot be changed .  It can be tolerable, even good, to sit with the fault lines, with ourselves, in the courage and grace of being with what is.  Although the cliffs of the fault lines are dangerous, their genesis holds many clues about our personality formation, the wisdom of our feelings and some cautionary tales.

Mindfulness is a way of living with more awareness and less judgement, connected to a deeper sense of self.  In great panic and anxiety, alone on the cliff face, it can be the cable that holds you from plummeting and that gently reels you up from a fall.

The above excerpt is from the chapter on Mindful Love in Debra Campbell’s book Lovelands. In it she addresses a client, Alex’s panic attacks which were crippling and entirely overpowering in their severity.  I must say suffering the same up to two or three a day meant that the information in this chapter moved me to tears by the end.

Debra worked with Alex to develop a mindfulness practice which would allow Alex to stand present with himself through the abject terror of his panic attacks.  As Debra explains there were fault lines and deep fissures in Alex’s development.  His father had never fully parented him, leaving him with out a feeling of safety in life.  As  a young child, Alex had watched terrifying movies with his Dad which makes me feel his father must have gone through some kind of terror that he was passing onto his son or at the very least showing a lack of protection to his son’s developing consciousness.

Alex became obsessed with the darker side of life, this was what his childhood had opened him up to but his father had never really provided him with the support or resources he needed to cope in a life in which he often felt unconsciously overwhelmed.  In end Alex needed help with this and with Debra’s  assistance, guidance, support and love over time he learned how to self parent.

Staying mindfully with ourselves is the deepest form of self parenting.  But often we need a guide or midwife along the way for our soul, for alone we often get sucked into deep crevasses and fault lines not of our own making especially if we lacked attunement, protection, guidance and support in childhood to deal with big feelings.  Mindfulness practice gives us a  way forward to breathe and focus on the love in our hearts that can contain the fear, emptiness, loneliness, frustration, confusion and pain, a way of seeing that they are residues of a deeply unconscious past that can dog us well into adulthood, a painful past that doesn’t need to be a life sentence but does need to be understood.

Mindfulness can help us to become aware of some of the story lines we are running around our fear, and a deeper understanding of how our fear of our fear is the most challenging issue, keeping us stuck and preventing us navigating the crevasses which have lessons for us, without getting stuck there.

Often the origin of the attacks stems from a combination of factors or from being under too much stress for too long.  An exhausted soul’s fight or flight mechanism may mistakenly smell unseen danger everywhere, becoming hyper vigilant and increasingly activating the false alarm of panic with little or no reason.

Understanding when and why this is happening to us is very important.  The connection Debra makes in this chapter between being too overwhelmed often and left with out protection speaks to me of emotional neglect.  I got an enormous insight into my own panic attacks in this chapter.  I was moved to tears.  In the end Alex made friends with himself in the midst of his attacks and life became less frightening.

Concluding the chapter Debra has this to say :

Mndfulness helps you find the capacity to be with the inevitable pain that life dishes out.  Of tremendous value to me was finding such a practical everyday way to become less afraid of my depressive and anxious demons that drove me relentlessly back to my faultlines.  I had found a way to make friend with every part of myself and see every thought and feeling as an event, neither good nor bad, unless I decided it was so.

She ends the chapter by saying mindfulness, in opening her insight into her flaws also enabled her to glimpse new hope and possibilities not by trying to shut the door on or run away from them but through looking them closely in the face and not being turned to stone like Medusa.

Spun

Spun

Feeling quite spun around with my thoughts today.  I got out to the park with Jasper which means I can get out of my head and problems and just be in the moment, the beautiful magical present moment in which there is no inner torment going on.  Arriving back I was aware of the many flaws in my old home and of how much upkeep it demands and then I get totally overwhelmed and forget it is all manageable. In my head the other voice is going “Why don’t you just go forward into the new place?”  At the moment not doing so is causing so much agony and then I remember that I was manipulated through my openness and vulnerability and perhaps bid too much.  Its very uncomfortable to think that others will bear the cost but if I was never offered financial help in the first place I never would have made an offer and gone against what my gut told me.

It’s all a little too late now to fix the original mistake!  I have important lessons to learn and the realisation that the new place would be a lot less work.  But at some point I have to draw that line in the sand and decide I am going forward with one decision and not look back, lest I be turned into a pillar of salt like Orpheus.  (Come to think of it what metaphor does that allude to : that if we do not allow ourselves to totally go through the tears of letting go in grief, endings and loss we will get solidified in place in trapped and deadened feeling?)

Anyway. the antidote for me for getting too spun about in my thoughts is just to take some action, but not to allow my anxiety to force me to action if that makes any sense.  This morning I had very intense anxiety coursing through me.  I was conscious that I was holding my breath, its something a body work therapist was getting me to work on by doing a big exhale when I was not even conscious I had been holding onto my breath.  Part of it is being angry and feeling I am stuck in place, powerless and can do nothing, just as I was when two major collisions overwhelmed me.  I also probably had to hold on in the womb as I had to wait to be born, Mum was too busy bottling plum jam to let me out.  Its a very deep imprint.

Forward movement or the ability to engage my muscles and my will are big recovery tools for me.  It was very confusing to be in AA and told I had self will run riot.  I get it that that can happen sometimes when we are pushing for something that isn’t meant to be.  It is what the agent used on me the day I said I would like 24 hours to think about my offer, then he pushed again and I said I would like a few hours, he didn’t accept that either so I caved!!  Then when I got second thoughts I felt I had to press on anyway.

Now it is going to be impossible to get out of the contract without huge penalties I want to cave to make it easier because I find it hard to tolerate the discomfort. But what I realised today is that I CAN TOLERATE DISCOMFORT, it is possible.  I did it today when my anxiety was huge, I just let myself fully feel the discomfort of it and breathe through.  It didn’t kill me.  So maybe now that is what I have to do and then set the intention to shift my focus away from what spins me or is painful or anxiety provoking for me.  I know that probably seems like a contradiction but on some level it isn’t.

I guess what I am really trying to say is that I need to care for myself when I start to feel spun.  I need to ground myself and get out of my head and into just being because when I am really in the present moment, anxiety goes.  I just have to keep going forward a day at a time.  This too shall pass.  I just have to keep going forward, not round and round in circles.

The Wild Child within

Moon.jpg

This is a post I wrote a long while back.  I have over 80 posts in my drafts file that the critic sanctions.  As a practice of letting things out I am freeing some of my drafts from drafts.. to published:

I find synchronicity really interesting.  Yesterday I went to the local library to get some new audio books and I came across a novel by P C Boyd of The Boy In the Stripped Pyjama’s fame.  It was called Wild Child and was about a boy raised by wolves who is then found and taken back into society and of the struggle and drama that ensues.  I haven’t borrowed it or listened to it yet, but it really intrigued me, this idea of where the human and the animal intersect and how being exiled into the animal world may impact someone, forcing them to develop in certain ways that are not so civilised.

I feel part of my healing is to have embarked upon a relationship with my dog over four years ago.  I haven’t had children and so I haven’t been brought face to face in that kind of relationship with the triggers of my own childhood.  I think deep down I was scared that if I did have children I would pass a lot of damage on and so, many years ago I had several terminations of pregnancy.  Having an animal is not exactly like having a child but there are similarities and I do believe that having such a relationship triggers so much about our own history and conditioning and approach to life. It also raises issues around obedience and control.  I read somewhere recently that owning an animal often forces us to recognise aspects of our shadow, which animals can express for us.

In my own case my childhood was controlled and controlling, when my parents were around but when they were not (which was a lot of the time) I had free reign and because of my deeply inquisitive and passionate nature I would get up to all kinds of mischief.  Due to the emotional repression or the scary outbursts of aggression in my Mum I learned to repress and hide, the acting out of the repressed impulses came a lot later when alcohol entered the picture.

Alcohol freed me from the repression and unloosed the tied up energies.  It made me a real wild child.  It turns out that yesterday at a funeral I ran into an old school friend and she was laughing over how wild our year was.  We were raised in the Catholic education system and I think that wildness was a legacy of all the repression.

There is a certain element of being wild that to my mind has to do with living the life of a spirit where the true fire or essence of ourselves has a chance to shine or burn clean obstructions to that spiritual energy that is divine being.  At times this fire can be dampened and we can be over civilised or have this wildness distorted by conditioning and by a collective culture (most especially those of us born prior to the 1980s),  which does not allow the nature wildness of the soul a free reign to grow and express.

Jungian psychotherapist, Clarissa Pinkola Estes devoted an entire book this subject : Women Who Run with the Wolves.  She speaks much of the soul in this book and most especially the wild aspect of a woman’s soul that can be destroyed or captured by too much civility, repression or conditioning.

The idea of a boy raised by wolves intrigues me if the wolves were a metaphor for a people who lived closer to nature and to the vital aliveness of wildness.  Would chaos reign supreme?   Who knows.  But something about that kind of society appeals to me.  I’m not a big fan of the word or principle of control.  In the words of a recent movie I feel the world would be better if we all allowed A Little Chaos and wildness into our lives.   I would love to see a world where people did not feel the need to apologise for expressing natural emotions.   This post is my attempt to reflect on this wild self a little.

As if my synchronicity today I was reading how control can be one result of not attaching or bonding or forming relationships of trust in childhood. At time I try to over control myself because my natural messy, expressive, passionate self does not live up to what was appreciated by my parents.  I then turn against myself and my own energy and my dog Jasper in carrying the shadow ends up making a mess, pissing on the bathroom mat or engaging in some other mischief.  When I get upset I then see how unreasonable my response is to a small animal that is just acting in line with his instincts or perhaps picking up my own anxiety around being out of control, natural or unrepressed.  I want to allow the wildness out.  To let the spontaneous uncaged part of myself free, to find the beauty and mystery in chaos, accidents and mess, to let nature take its course so that I can breathe a full breath and let go of so much of the fear that has dogged me since childhood.

I have placed the tarot image of the Moon card at the head of this blog.  Many years ago I had a reading with a woman in Sydney.  When this card came up she said to me.  “Inside your deepest soul and spirit you are like this wild wolf baying at the Moon but growing up your mother preferred you to act as a domesticated dog.”  I have never forgotten those words.  At times my conditioning strangles me and I feel myself longing to break free but there is fear, excitement and fear.  Recognising this fact is perhaps all a stage of my healing.

 

If we are always scared how can we truly connect?

I feel as though some walls around my heart and some defences that have blocked realities are slowly falling down or fading away at present there is a raw tenderness and vulnerability I am feeling lately ever since my birthday.

I watched a very sad thing on the programme Married At First Sight in Australia last night.  It was about one of the brides who ran from intimacy at the 11th hour.  She just disappeared.  She then reappeared to confront the issues with her confused partner.  He was a very gentle man who was an ex teacher and could have provided the solidity she was looking for for her 11 year old son.  But it was clear that fear had made Laura run.  At first she focused on Andrew’s so called imperfections,  he wasn’t tall enough.  How often do we do this unconsciously out of fear?  We look for all the reasons it won’t work instead of looking into the other’s eyes, heart and soul staying open and taking a leap of faith.

It was clear to me that Laura was terrified, as I would have been terrified of intimacy and have been in the past.  In the end her joking defence slowly fell apart and tears fell as she explained to Andrew how scared she really was and asked for another chance.  He could not give it to her. He just couldn’t take that chance.  One thing struck me powerfully about this.  At first Andrew did not know what do to or what had happened and he blamed himself or thought he had done something.  He had done nothing, he had just been himself but Laura’s fear of abandonment from very real abandonments in the past made her run and set up defences.  In this situation if defences are in place around feeling our wound, we make up stories about what the other person did or didn’t do rather than see the part we and our past are contributing.  Really what is happening is we are meeting our own fear projected and then when we have to face the fear there is so much sadness underneath.

As Laura’s tears were falling the psychologist asked “Why are you crying, Laura?”   That got up my nose, surely he could see what they were about, the pain of longing for love and connection so long thwarted by her own fear and the past rejections.  Maybe he just had to ask that to get her to verbalise it for Andrew, but being me I felt it showed a lack of empathy and Andrew could not get beyond his own hurt to give her another chance, in case she hurt him again. That is fair enough he wanted to protect his heart and look for someone emotionally heathy.  It was so sad though and triggered my own experiences of pain in the past.  Laura is still alone and so is Andrew.  Lauren has some fear to work on and through but how can she do this outside of relationship?

Relationship is the mirror in which we find ourselves.  Our earliest relationships either mirror us or they don’t. Here lies the genesis of our narcissism, healthy or unhealthy and our ability to be intimate, both with ourselves and with others.  The lonely, neglected, unmirrored child goes everywhere looking for the love that should have been built into them by an affirmative gaze and firm parental boundaries of self.  Lacking this and suffering the passive abandonment of parental neglect (a term I am borrowing from CPTSD expert, Pete Walker) the inner child in us forms a painful inner critic that blames it for the abandonment and tries harder, or sets up impossible standards that block true humanity and intimacy not allowing us to trust again for fear of being hurt again.  And we can lie about this to others and to ourselves.

Lacking this inner grounding of self we feel defective in some way and carry that illusion of being defective or ‘not good enough’ everywhere.  We then become hyper-vigilant scanning the environment for the next threat or abandonment.  We are now projecting onto the present a painful past and ensuring that any new attempt at intimacy is bound to fail, until we go through enough pain to question why and how this is happening.  With deep wounds in this area we will need a partner who is willing to accept that we are not perfect and may be bound to set up old repeats and have much work to do to move through our fear.  And we will make no progress until we can understand and speak about it with them.  They would need to be very patient with our terrified inner child, and I can understand how for many that would just be to much work, but if we are wounded this is what we truly need in a partner, someone capable of extending themselves in true empathy.

Watching this show last night triggered something deep for me.  I see the times I have run myself and looked for all the excuses in the world as to why it had failed and I remembered times I too was on the receiving end of this treatment.  True in some relationships I did not choose well, but I also lacked a true belief in my value as a person and without that what did I have to truly give in terms of intimacy?  I suffered from covert narcissism.   My own parental neglect has driven me for years, to become the one who will bind up the wounds that I never caused in the first place but have contributed to by carrying on a pattern still working its way out across the generations unconsciously and it has also driven me to be the one who cuts off and runs when original wounds have been triggered in the past.

Often I exhaust myself in this process not fully having known before now what was driving me. Finding that out and having to bear the cost and pain of it is enormous as so many of you know but I do feel that it is only by facing the grief that I can see the part that fear has played in keeping me unconscious and locked in old patterns.  Once I can face and own that fear, like Lauren I am part of the way forward, more able to be vulnerable and conscious.  More able to both understand the roots of my fear and perfectionism and more able to encourage the wounded inner child in a new pattern of courage, fortitude and trust, one no longer so dominated by fear’s unconscious influence.

The long forgotten terror of the 6 year old : the sting of the narcissists stare.

After you have been pummeled by those stares of evil, good luck trying to explain your fear and confusion to others. And, if confronted, a response from a narc will be: “What? I am being accused of looks now!” With those stares, the narc has lulled you and then dragged you into his/her world of childish nightmares; and the adults around you won’t comprehend, for they have long forgotten that sheer terror of a 6 year old.

Comment by SK on You Tube video source :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GGqkJIIkbPA

I don’t know how many of us know how important it was to be looked upon well in childhood.  To meet the parent’s loving affirmative gaze.  And how many of us remember the terror when we got the eyes of hate or anger turned upon us?  All of these deep feelings can be evoked if we are unlucky enough to find ourselves a victim of either the narcissist’s stare (as explained in the video above) or of their silent treatment.

In both we get sent to the freezer zone and may be confused when the stare or gaze of love they directed upon us early in the piece during the seduction suddenly disappears because we have dared to say we don’t want to do something they need us to do.

I have been having a rapid course of enlightenment after stumbling upon the videos last night of a You Tube poster who goes by the monika Know the Narcissist, many light bulb moments during watching the above video as well as his excellent one on the smear campaign which y0u will find the link to on You Tube.

The stare video really sparked my primal memory.  It called to mind the stare of displeasure and disgust that was a major part of our upbringing when we made a mess or didn’t keep the well ordered world of my Mum running along in the way demanded. My sister who recently died used to laugh a lot about it, as she knew the stare well.  She used to take great pleasure in the care home where she lived by leaving a vase of dying flowers in her room and refusing to throw them out when my mother tried to insist on some of her visits to see her.

I am also aware of the stare of the eyes of death that have been cast upon me at times by my remaining sister for example, when I gave a hug to the grandson of my much loved Godfather while crying at the funeral when Uncle Piet had died.  It was accompanied by a harsh ‘for God’s sake, keep it together!’ Or when I have been dancing with gay abandon at a friend’s New Years Eve party.  I’ve also seen my only niece subjected to the stare of her own narcissistic mother when she and embraced and cried because she was leaving after we connected deeply many years ago.

What a liberation to have the confirmation of how the narcissist uses the stare to evoke terror, sadness and pain in us and how the silent treatment is also used to control us.

When the narcissist devalues and discards us really we should celebrate.  As Knowing the Narcissist tells us.  You didn’t do anything wrong but you did everything wrong from our (the narcissist’s) perspective.  You failed to continue to be controlled or give supply.  You were brave enough to express yourself without shame, a shame they would like to rain down on you with the stare or silent treatment casting you to the freezer zone of abandonment hell that perhaps even resonates from childhood.

As Knowing the Narcissist says :

you are an unfortunate reminder of a part of us which we prefer to keep locked away and (our) stare conveys this through contempt and loathing.

Don’t take it on board people. Be glad the narcissist kicked you to the kerb.  Now you can move onto someone genuine who lets you be you and loves you for you or better still love yourself, work on your boundaries and don’t loose faith in life.