Really love

Really is it any wonder so many of us suffer in a society where the true value and need for love, tenderness, empathy and connection can be so absent?   Where society and the media and advertising send us messages to be different, feel different, numb out or soldier on over-riding our body and soul’s need for good nurture, expression and rest? Promoting messages to judge or fear others and not look any deeper than the surface?

Also is it any measure of health to actually be bullet proof, unaffected by the state of the world around us, insensitive to suffering and devoid of feeling or understanding even for those most affected by the inherent violence of our culture?  I firmly believe it is not.  I firmly believe that so called ‘mental illness’ is often just an understandable reaction to trauma, abandonment and abuse and the development of defensive strategies to cope in the face of insanity and at some point the unconscious choice to adopt defensive strategies which block love and keep us trapped in hatred, fear and anger needs to be faced.  Some of us can do it and some of us cannot.

And this is not to imply that we don’t need boundaries against abuse as we do.  We also need a lot of consciousness to see where other’s blockages are adversely affecting us and skilful means for keeping ourselves protected while not blocking out love, or remaining deeply crippled by fear.

I awoke in horror after my dental surgery in the early hours of Thursday morning to the painful realisation of how I surrendered my own protection into the responsibility of others when as an adult it was up to me to protect myself and then I laid myself open for abuse in order to win so called protection and love while surrendering myself and my own soul care at the deepest most fundamental level.  I wasn’t protected as a child so I didn’t get to develop that muscle and it all came out of abandonment wounds repeating along generations.  It has been a tough and bitter pill to swallow but I have ingested it.  Last night I slept for 9 full hours with no break, people that is a miracle in no uncertain terms I have not had that much unbroken sleep for over 10 years.

I really did not feel like I could go on yesterday.   Trying to eat with the new denture felt like hell.  How would my body cope if I could not break the food down?  But then miraculously I was reminding myself to go gently.  Its going to take time to adjust to the new reality and there are deep wounds and such deep, deep, deep sadnesses around that I so acutely need to feel and shed.  I did that yesterday.  And there has been a shit load of loss and pain in my life that never needed to be denied, that I really needed a lot of help to process and at times when I needed that help the pain drew me towards others in deep unconscious pain who wanted to punish me for reminding them of theirs.  Its been a lot to wake up to.  But is 9 am and I am awake, fully!

Today listening to the words of Coldplay “have to find yourself alone in this world, have to find yourself alone” just playing resonate and my skin has chills as Chris Martin stretches that final aloooonnneee out into the atmosphere.  Sooner or later life returns us to the deepest of alone places where we find our hurting child amidst a pile of wreckage and rubble and we have the choice whether or not to pick that child up and love her with a fierce lioness discipline.   Or surrender her to him to the hungry wolves or predators.  And while a lot of the journey inwardly does occur alone, we also need witnesses and helpers, we are never totally alone when we reach out for real help that helps us do the work.

Now the joyous Sky Full of Stars is bursting out of my stereo and that to me seems fitting because the love that bursts out of our soul when we find our love for everything even our deepest abandonment has the power to illuminate us at the very deepest level.  We shine brightest after we have seen and fully embraced the darkest truth that is in us, that really love is the basis of everything never more painful than when it lies deep inside hidden, unrecognised or denied.

This is the rainbow bursting forth from rain and mist, this is the milky orb of the sunshine diluted by clouds and overcast skies that never the less has so much warmth and power in it.  It can never be permanently obscured.

And then I sense shining around me, each ancestor, each one of those stars and we form a constellation of linkages of love, being and essence for these lights never die they only gets obscured at times, sadly and our awakening to our longing for them in the darkest depths, surviving and accepting those depths is what births the truth of love, a love too powerful to deny.

For love really is all, but we just forget it and when we turn our back on it, it follows us in all kinds of ghostly guises we no longer recognise haunting us a long a corridor of years.   Until we remember the truth – turn to face those ghosts, love them embrace them and accept them into our hearts.

Wednesday Adult Alone

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On Wednesday

I will go alone

No longer the child

Adult me will take

Young child me along

And finally be the adult

She needed all those years

As they put the needles in

And take the eye tooth

Or what is left of it

After its splintering

Silent tears will fall

Like ghostly rain

As ancestral mist

Fallen down upon a soul

So alone

There was no way of knowing

Its plight

Survivors both

We will weather this storm

And let the consequences come

Knowing there comes a time

When the ransom

Of wounded generations past

Exacts its toll

On the child

Wednesday will be the day

Mercury’s day

Day of siblings

Siblingless child

Alone on the stairs crying

Her cries will echoes

Along the corridor of Wednesdays

As aged Mother

Feels in her heart

Silently

The despair of a motherless child

Who took so long to grow up

But now in facing

What must be faced

What needs to be done

Becomes an adult

Alone

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I truly believe this.  Spiritually we need at times to be able to stand alone.  We need the inner fortitude to be the adult we longed for all those years and could not find.  We need the moral strength and courage to nurture our own spiritual and creative life.  In the end we learn our most crucial, critical lessons through others.  But it is only when we have developed the courage to know the consequences of those relationships deep inside our own souls, hearts and minds and learned the powerful lessons they taught us allowing such lessons to mould and shape us into the unique individuals we become as a result that we can say we have power and authority over our own souls.  We have the power to embrace our aloneness and know it is the doorway to any truly deep spiritual relationship with ourselves or with other human beings.

Winter deep

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Winter deep

Spectral branches

Form silhouettes

Dark fingers

Reaching heaven ward

Framed by grey skies

Barren of foliage

Reminding me of the stark emptiness

Of my life

Past times

Vacant

Longing

Wandering

Lost in strange lands

Surrounded by even stranger people

Who are you

Who and where am I?

But now in silence

I touch my own soul

Knowing its contours best

Through poetry and music

And only in this darker deeper emptiness

Do I finally come home

But being so far from human comfort

Means painful reminders of ostracism abound

Like ghosts

Haunting me at times

So I draw the curtains

And light the lamps

Creating a cocoon

In this deep absence

Can I reach deep enough

To find presence?

An inner source

 That will give some comfort, soothing and warmth

Granting rest to my weary soul?

During the indrawing dusk

Of winter’s night

Deep

Feeling a sister’s heartache

I just read a post from one of the people I consider to be the closest blogging sister I know and my heart felt so heavy for her, she was feeling the pain of being so alone, wanting to be alone but not wanting to be alone, feeling that she would always be alone when she so longed for some one’s touch and comfort.  There were no words to say to know how to comfort her in that space but my heart ached and I remembered how my day started just over 7 hours ago in a black dark space.  Somehow I got all the things done I needed to do today.  Although it was freezing I got Jasper to the oval and we managed 20 minute of play time and a short walk.  I couldn’t stomach lunch so I just had a coffee and a donut and then my heart was warmed by several comments of love and support on my blog.  I tell you some days Word Press connections with their deep souls are the only ones who make the difference between the black hole swallowing me and being able to breathe and feel I can live to take the next step.

Anyway I got my shopping done and just made a curry for dinner.  But my heart was deep in the space with my beautiful sister who I probably wont ever meet but feel like I know so deeply.

And I just wanted to say to those who reach out and read what I write and at times take the time to comment, to all those who bear their own souls and have the courage to be real and brave, thank you so much, you make life worth living and just to know you are out there somewhere means for that instant the world feels like a far less lonely place.

Sorting out the mixed up world of repressed and shame bound feelings

Bradshaw

When we are young and go through deep feelings of being abandoned, being left alone or are traumatised by big feelings of others or left without sufficient mirroring and empathy for our feelings we develop a deficit in our capacity to make sense of these feelings as well as express them.  Our feelings are still held deep inside and stored in our bodies but at the same time we form defences against feeling them and the pain or liberation that may bring.

We also live in a shame bound society and feeling wounded culture that so often fails to identify and acknowledge certain feelings, most especially painful ones such as sadness, anger, shame and fear.  Therefore the shame component of repressed, invalidated feelings grows huge for many of us.  John Bradshaw in his excellent book Healing the Shame That Binds You explains in great detail how and why feelings we are taught to repress or meet with difficulty in being expressed or felt in dysfunctional families get shame bound.  This means that as we evolve we develop an arrested feeling self.  In this state of shame biding even the threat or whiff off feeling a certain feeling brings up the most intense shame or inward self criticism.

We cover this shame over or react to the emergence of shame bound feelings with defences in our mind, most of which form the inner critic who then attacks the feelings as well as us for having them, telling us all kinds of lies and untruths about what a bad or damaged person we are when the deeper truth is that we are really out of relationship with a most vital and alive part of ourselves.

Bradshaw 3

When we begin the difficult emotional uncovery work of feeling our feelings in therapy, sobriety or healing this is when the inner critic will step in and try to protect us from feeling them in some way.  To the inner critic who formed to keep us safe in unsafe family or social environments the emergence of repressed feeling is cause for major panic and alarm, all the critic can see is that we are breaking out of a safe holding space.

The critic often forms in childhood to keep us safe from the parent or a world we have come to believe would be hostile to our true expression of feeling.  Add to this that if we haven’t matured psychologically through being able to process, understand and feel our past traumatic feelings and imprints when they do emerge in us as adults they can feel unmanageable in their ferocity.  Suddenly we find we have age regressed to feel about 2 years old in some cases and to the critic that is another cause for attack, aren’t we supposed to an adult now?  Someone who is in control and shouldn’t have to ride this huge roller coaster?  But this intense period of hyper feeling is actually a good thing if we can stop the shame spiral, pause and spend time connecting with what is being triggered. Here is where group wound and individual therapy or 12 step recovery work can help.

A large part of our healing process is coming to understand when we have age regressed to an earlier time of trauma which was very painful for us.  I wrote about age regression some time last year in a number of posts which I will include at the bottom of this one.  Age regression or reversion to an earlier experience of trauma or deep feeling which will emerge when we are triggered, most especially in therapy, group work or relationships is a God given opportunity for us to grow in awareness of feelings and needs we may have repressed and learned to bind in shame.

Feeling the shame associated to the feeling, sharing about it, bringing it out of hiding with affirmative and validating others is most essential to our healing process and will help us grow in awareness.  While others cannot feel our feelings for us (though they may do this through the healing power of empathy) doing so will not take our feelings away but if they have gone through their own healing process or are qualified therapeutically, help to hold the space for us while we have our process and feelings this kind of holding can help us begin to make a relationship with what we formerly could not feel and may dull the voice of our inner critic.

We need this kind of support, being designed and wired as humans to be connected and to form attachments, attachments we may have failed to form with emotionally unavailable or inconsistent parents in childhood we do need, at some point, to have our feelings in relationship.  Thus the need at certain stages of recovery to have some who can consistently mirror us while helping us to develop our own capacity to hold, process and make sense of feelings.

Bradshaw 2

Being left alone with our feelings is difficult, when we cannot make sense of them, feel ashamed or feel they are mixed up, intense and overwhelming.  We need to feel them for ourselves in order to liberate them and reach understandings of why we blocked them in the first place.  Doing so was a survival mechanism we learned at that time to keep us safe, but it may take a lot of time and help if our feelings have been repressed or shamed.  Not being able to have, feel and understand our true feelings in the present, judging them, over intensifying them due to shame, keeps us imprisoned in a false self and leaves our true feelings buried under layers of defences.  Developing deeper insight into the nature of such defences and compassion for ourselves in the midst of them is such important work as we go through the process of learning to liberate, understand and feel our true feelings.   As we do we will be restored to our true selves.

At the same time we must do work on what Pete Walker calls Shrinking The Inner Critic.  We can turn the criticism on ourselves or outwards on others, in either case we are not really acknowledging the truth depth of our plight and such criticism in keeping us locked in shame may deeply hamper both our progress and our healing process.

Return after a deep day of darkness.

I went back into a very dark place on the weekend.  On Saturday it was as if the pain of my past alcoholic days and all that awful things that went on came to live back inside of me and every nerve of my body felt like it was on fire.  This was all triggered by a dinner with friends who were part of that stage of my life.  I was in so much pain on Saturday and feeling deeply suicidal again.  I think some of it too was prompted by my ‘friend’ asking “So what do you DO all day”  and “And does that work?”. That can tap into all the shame a guilt I feel as someone with chronic PTS I wont add the D as I don’t see it as a disorder, but as part of what living and being raised in a trauma inducing world brings to us who are gifted and sensitive, who no longer works or has much outside involvement or engagement in the working world which I decided to check out of over 16 years ago when I saw how dysfunctional it can be.   At the same time I also know I was facing very deep sadness over how profound my disconnected or separation from connection has been and how it is a part of being sensitive and having gone through so much trauma that others have not.  That became clearer to me after all we shared on Friday night.

There are days and days my socially injected inner critic takes me to task about that and I forget all the time about the necessary inner work my soul has been engaged in over the past 16 years in trying to make sense of and shed the pain of my past or at least learn essential lessons from it.  And how realistic would it have been for me to be working and how would I have then dealt with being there for a mother who was sick a sister suicidal and another sister in care?   I chose to be there out of love and empathy even though I got so little back.  That one is on me to wear.  Slowly I am trying to establish a stronger connection with my inner child and be there for her, but it is slow….and does it really matter how much I do in one day or is it in fact more important to maintain a high level of emotional connection within in order to practice self care?

Then I have days like today when I log onto find I have connected with an amazing soul sister from the UK who is also on a healing pathway and who really gets me and I her.  I understand that I am actually in a process of waking up and trying to throw off so many shackles.  I am also doing the deep work of being real and raw and open in a society in which there is at times so much ignorance, suffering, unconsciousness and pain around and that is when I get faced with the what I do all day questions.

Truth is I would love to be more connected but I need REAL connections these days…..they are slowly coming to me much as my Inner Critic tries to convince me otherwise, I am making progress.  The best thing I have in my life is really my blog and blogging community here as here is where I find others who are on a path of conscious work on emotional levels, however its sad that we cannot meet face to face.

In interesting aside on Friday night at the dinner I was sharing with my old friends about the power of the Inner Critic.  It isn’t a subject they would ever talk about but on Friday they both admitted to being besieged by criticism as well.  Wee then questioned my friends young adult children who said they have not a clue about what an  Inner Critic is.  “If anything goes wrong I immediately blame someone else”, they both said.  “I wouldn’t take it on board if others were always trying to point out my flaws!”  We 60s generation were amazed and a bit confounded by this.  Not to live with an inner critic or endlessly working over time conscience, how could this be? The next day one of my friends had a bitch about it their lack of care, obviously a raw nerve had been touched!

Anyway I seem to have got a bit off track or not, as the case may be.  I felt the comment from my friend perhaps as criticism when it was not, maybe it was just a question of interest.  Is there a way taking care of ourselves could become a full time job?  Isn’t that important work?  At the same time I am not dimissing my inner need for a way to find work or a sense of outer engagement that could give something back and help others.  I am just not at that stage yet.  My blog is my work, caring for myself and my home and my dog is my work and it gets lonely and hard on the tough days.

On other days I wake up to remind myself that the past is gone now and that I do have a present that isn’t fraught with all that past pain and its draining to have it retriggered  I am not longer numbing myself with addictions as I was then, so the rawness is intense. I literally felt every nerve in my body to be on fire on Saturday.

I am now aware after Saturday of the need I have to  keep a strong sense of protection around myself, retriggered trauma makes me drained and I need to increase self care regimes after these kind of dark days.   If I don’t take care of myself and get into too many situations where I am pulled back into the past the consequence is that I get hollowed out and my life is not nurtured from within.  As an empath and sensitive person quiet time is essential to my soul.   Without it I suffer and I can get overloaded.

I also need to remember that each day I am moving towards growth or trying too.   The tough days still come and they can knock me sideways,  but I am always relieved when after those tough days the sun shines again on me in a place where I have understood more and perhaps cleansed more that was formerly unconscious in me from my system. Today I need to celebrate my own life with self nurturing after those days of darkness.

Staying with myself : feeling my pain

BBB

I did not realise I was so sad and in emotional pain this morning.  Instead for two hours I was tussling with my body.  I got to bed far after the usual time and my eating schedule was thrown out by going to friends for dinner and eating too much too late for my body to fully digest it but really it was only when I broke down in tears this morning that i realised that what has happened was that old pain of my past was retriggered of those painful black years that were filled with so much emptiness and sadness, wandering and trauma that I did not know or could not fully feel at the time.  Last night the evening got later and later and the conversation going on about politics wasn’t really that interesting but moreso I think what I really struggled with was what came up was about all that had gone on for me before those friends got to know me overseas in the 1980s.  Once they found out last night all I had been through in the four years previous they understood why my behaviour was the way it was.

When I finally got home at quarter to midnight I just sat and cuddled Jasper and cried.  Then I had a very disrupted sleep while so much arose in my mind and the darkness fell around me in slumber after I got into my cosy warm bed.  What occurred to me is that in these past years I have been trying hard to process and digest a past full of trauma that often sticks in my gut or my throat.  There were no tears last night as my friends still drink a fair bit and there were questions being fired at me such as “what do you do with yourself all day” and when I told them “and is that working for you?”  Its a fair enough question but what can I say I am where I am at and sometimes I wish it was different and my life had been different but I cannot ever have that and so now I must sit with the reality and the pain of what young me went through over those very dark dark years.

The gift today in just being able to be with myself and allow the tears was that there was no punishing inner voice telling me I should be feeling differently.  Instead I felt that wises inner loving mother comforting me and telling me I needed to stay with it, allow the grief and let it move through me.  The inner voice told me how much I suffered and how lonely my childhood was as when I told my friends last night that each day after school I came home to an empty house they could not believe it.  One friend told me how her mother made her snacks and always asked about her day and encouraged her to do her homework, the other had four siblings and wished she could have more space!  It felt so sad to know how I didn’t have that and it did have a profound affect.  I think sometimes my attacks at that time of day are about body memory of being so alone in childhood and as a teenager and then the bike accident happened at that time of day when I took myself so far way overseas repeating the old pattern.

I have known profound loneliness.  There are times when my inner loneliness has been so painful I have contemplated taking my life.  These are the facts of my life.  I cannot pretty them up or deny them, I cannot put a ‘positive’ slant on them, they were part of my painful reality.  And I repeated that lonely pattern as it was all I really knew and I formed complex defences to tell me I needed to stay alone so as never to be hurt or misunderstood again.

At least last night I could speak about the reality.   At least last night I could be heard.  It was hard to be asked what I did all day as I felt in a way I may have been being judged.  But maybe I wasn’t, who knows.  And at times its better to be alone and feel free to feel your real feelings than have to be with those who wouldn’t let you be yourself.

The greater realisation for me today is that all of this suffering and aloneness somehow got buried in me at a bodily level.  At times my body pain is about my body and soul and inner child saying to me she needs not to be left as alone as she was in the past.  I no longer need to stay alone, but I can also accept and nurture my solitude when it is necessary,  And I am realising too that as a highly sensitive person alone time feeds my soul. loving boundaries and self care support me and go alone with the recognition towards my self and consciousness of the true nature of my deeper self as well as wounds of the past that I have carried which have scarred me into the present.  But that I also need connection with loving others at times, never to fill the hole within that must be met with my own loving presence as well as my spiritual connection, but as a way of remembering that as a humans being I do need connection for loving connection with others from a real place of truth is what most binds souls of humans and makes moments precious.

My past is my past.  It cannot be changed.  It will always be with me.  I am still exploring its affect and that is a lot of work.  I may move on from the past one day to a new life and new expression, I just don’t know, but before I can what has been needs to be fully honoured and recognised, the losses have to be grieved. And this is an act of self love, allowing myself to be with it is showing the love for the deeper part of me that was so often shamed and dismissed, first by others but later and more sadly and destructively by my self.  For I am now seeing more and more true healing and self acceptance must most surely come from within.

When hope has gone

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I have known

Hope dashed on the rocks of harsh reality

Too many times

To be a superficial person

I have known

Those who told me

Such breaking didn’t hurt

Was just a flesh wound

When it went soul deep

Is it any wonder I get confused?

That I question what is real

What I feel

And what do tell myself

As I wrestle deep within the schism

Such things created

This fissure deep inside

Hope lies vanquished here

I don’t think it will return

I am older and wiser now

I need to like and trust who I am

I must now love myself

For amidst this wreckage

This is the best of what is left, really

My soul has known hope dashed

Against the rocks of harsh experience

So many times

That now I must never cleave

So far again

From my what my soul feels

And knows

Deep inside

Ancestral heartache and longing : something SO deep!

Ancestors

I just came away from a conversation with my Mum with a heart that was breaking apart with longing.  After 6 days of no contact Mum finally called yesterday.   No matter how much our connection has failed in the past, I still long to hear from my Mum.  The week before I was calling every day knowing it was the anniversary of my older sister’s death, wanting to be there for Mum in her grief, in fact it was probably too much straining that I was doing out of my ‘redeemer’ script, which is becoming more and more obvious to me lately but it was also about longing to share the pain of our loss with each other too so as not to have to carry it alone and have the pain and my sister disappear totally into emptiness.

Last Saturday we had a difficult conversation in which Mum wouldn’t open up and told me I was being ‘ridiculous’ about something that was not at all ridiculous.  I suffered through a painful week this past week with no contact, I had such longing and loneliness in my heart for a  lot of the week but I held myself in it, I dialogued a lot with my inner child and the lost self that so often has been alone, and I felt again the deep ancestral imprints of longing, separation and aloneness that have been a part of our family history on my Mum’s side, passing from the men to the women.  Absence of men wounded by war (a deeper collective wound), absence of men due to alcoholism from unresolved grief over migration separation and the loss of a mother reaching further back to our ancestral lands, loss of my own father when I was 23, loss of a father in childhood due to Dad’s own emotional distance and unavailability emotionally and empathically at times.  Its a huge amount of loss and longing to contain if I really think about it.

Yesterday Mum and I had a peaceful loving conversation.   I felt how tired and sad she was.  I struggled today to think of somewhere to go or take her on a sunny autumn day to ease the pain and bring some togetherness but after liasing with my sister it all became too hard to do.  We agreed that today we would each stay in our separate space and be alone.   When the conversation disconnected I felt the depths of sadness, love and longing and a separation that was perhaps too infinite for words.  I felt it may blow my heart open, but that is just how I experience deep feelings.  And at the time of this, just a few minutes ago now, I had the thought of how these feelings were both ancestral and personal too.  I thought of my Mum’s longing for siblings that never arrived and I thought of the large gaps and difficulties I have had at times connecting with older siblings.    I thought of the wound I carry from my Mum of Chiron in Pisces as wounded healer and how strong that archetype is for me and I thought too of how Chiron occupied Pisces at the time of the Great War that saw so many young men taken from lives, fallen on the battle field in trenches, fallen in their thousands like the leaves that fell this week all over my back deck.  I then thought of how there is always so much more to what is going down than we often realise.

Some kind of deep letting go seems to be happening for me at present.  I have the sense that there is a letting go that needs to happen with my family so I can embrace my adult life, I have a sense of how long I have lived with longings of a baby and a child inside my breast to connect and be connected to others and painful reminders of how fraught with difficulty that has been and of how so many connections over my life time have gone to the wall as a result of them.   And today there have been deeply compassionate thoughts for my ex partner who struggled too with deep issues of mother and father loss and brought those into our relationship.

Earlier I had a conversation with my best friend who is also struggling with his own longing and loss.  I heard how much of it gets transferred onto today, but how much of it is deeply related to his emotionally distant relationship with his now dead mother.  I thought of how the mother wound and longing can dog us all so far into adulthood trailing behind us like a hungry ghost and how at a deeper level it also relates to our longing for connection with the deeper feminine that became so split apart in our heroic cultural and collective development over the past 1,000 years or more.

We each have our portion of that wound to carry.  It lives in the shadows and so lately I have come to feel that so many of us who struggle in this way are really struggling with something far deeper than we realise and are really shadow carriers and shadow witnesses for the lost feminine.  I was trying to write a post about this yesterday in reference to Prince Harry recently coming out about his own deeply buried grief over his lost mother and of how Princess Diana also suffered with her deep emotional abandonment wound in a family that projected symbolic images of power and control that also hide deeper wounds inside.

For today I am grateful to have been let go by my family from a day of commitments to ‘get together’, even though at first I felt so sad.  Perhaps I will never be totally free of that longing but it is not always present, at times it recedes like the tide.     I am grateful for a day in which I can live within the deeper circumference of my own life.  I am feeling how important it is for me to let go of my personal will for connection and instead pray through a higher power to be connected to the deeper spiritual life, the vast plane of interconnected consciousness on which we are all one and can truly never be separated.  It is in that place I find peace, it is in that place I find wholeness, it is in that place that I feel finally at one not only with my own soul, but with the deeper group soul of humanity.  I am not sure how much sense this blog will make to anyone but it has just rolled off my fingers and out from my heart stream today.  Peace and love, love and peace, calm and love and peace these are the conditions, places and spaces where I wish to reside today and they seem to me to be restored to me, when I let go of making the longing concretise into connection by my own will.

And perhaps when I let go, connections will come.  For a long time I may be left in a deep empty space which feels so much like drowning but the more I am able to strengthen in that place and wait in trust, the more I am restored to a deeper sanity that stops me trying to control and heal a wound far larger than I could ever fully explain with words.