As much as I can take.

I had to leave the hospital in the midst of the doctor being there trying to explain everything to my sister, brother and I.  I seem to get overwhelmed or triggered so often and this afternoon the doctor showed up an hour later than he said he would and I hadnt yet had lunch.  After one and a half hours I just had to grab my bag and leave, not able to explain as the doctor was in the middle of a long winded repetitive speech about my Mum’s condition.  Last night I had to watch her in agony as they stuck canula needles in her arm, and could not find a vein.   By the time I arrived it had been going on for over and hour and I had to say something.  The doctor didnt like it.

Even today I struggled seeing how doped up Mum is, how yellow and how weak.   At one point while I was trying to help her eat, I just could not stop crying, I took myself off to the little chapel they have at the hospital she is in and just wept.  I felt drug fog cover my eyes even though I havent taken any drugs.   I am just so sensitive and I am over tired as i only slept for four hours last night before waking and then got back to sleep for one hour.   I’m drained.

Knowing when my internal battery is on low is so important.  Last night my sister was in such a state I offered to cook her a meal, I held her as she was very down and struggling. My heart went out to her, when Mum dies she will lose her best friend.   The truth is my sister has relied a lot more on Mum emotionally in many ways, but this latest illness with Mum is seeing how much she has tried to give in later years and now its all too much.  She needs a gentle calm space where she can be cared for with love and she needs support, she cannot be pulled upon any more.   Its a wake up call for me, too, if I am honest.

I know so many others also struggle with elderly parents.   Its not easy to witness the vulnerability and decline.  It reminds us of our own mortality, of what we didnt get and what we did,  it reminds us the aging and decay is part of the larger life cycle, no one escapes it.  Today I saw in my mind’s eye my Mum’s long long journey of loss that leads to here.   I feel she is so utterly, devastatingly tired.  The doctor has hope as its seems she may have a kidney infection and her liver is toxic from all the pain killers she has been on.  I wish to God a few years ago when she had an appointment with a Traditional Chinese Medicine specialist she would have gone down that route but at the last minute she cancelled it.  I know what help the Chinese herbs and supplements I take give me in terms of cleansing and assisting chi flow and function in some of my organs.   My Mum needs to be in a facility where she is treated holistically, when she comes out of hospital one thing is for sure, she cannot be alone.

I cannot and will not abandon my Mum in her illness.   I was pleased my brother is delaying flying out of Australia for a while, I was shocked to hear it, but he was still wanting to know how long he had to hold off, yesterday it looked as though Mum may not be with us much longer.   I am prepared for that eventuality and I will care, but I also need to take care of myself.  I won’t be any use to anyone at all if I don’t.