Goings

You come and go

And i never know

For how long you will hold my heart

Torn apart as we are so often

Are

By this life you chose

Which makes me want to scream and shout

About all the times

I foundered all alone

But what use is thus argument

With reality

You say to me im an angel

But really im devilisht angry at times

That this inconsistency

Is the best you have to offer me

Handkerchief

I have your handkerchief

I keep it here 

And sometimes when I cry

I remember how 

You were the only one to comfort me

After I gave the eulogy 

And a flood fell

Within the swell 

My heart and soul was held

By the youngest of the line

It was so kind

And as time goes by

I have this piece of cloth

To always remind me

Of that bittersweet

And oh so special time

And of the grief we shared

And you are never far from mind

Knowing how she died

Just two days after

The anniversary

Of your arrival 

Here on earth

Circles 

Within circles

All returning

While I bear witness

To the heart’s deep loss

And yearning

Ominous and heavy

The energy last night was unlike anything I have experienced lately and today its been a day of drenching anxiety and negative thoughts streaming through my consciousness.  I could not eat until 1 pm and then my mood shifted a bit but the inner critic attacks were relentless.  Add to that that during the night a deluge of rain fell.  It was torrential and I felt like it would not end and that my body containing nature was drowning from the inside.  I struggled to rise, spiralling and unspiralling.  This afternoon heavy gunmetal clouds are weighting down the sky.   It took all my strength to get to therapy today.  And I cried so deeply there.  It feels there is a claim on me from so many around me needing financial or psychological support.  It has been such a heavy heavy day for me.  And I felt so keenly my ineptitude which is really nothing more than overwhelm.

My nephew called and it was hard for me to stop crying.  He is also undergoing a lot and has so much of a struggle to support his family as an artist he now said he must take on a trade and before Mum died she asked me to make sure they were taken care of but my finances a dwindling as despite an inheritance I am due to receive its under the control of a friend of my mother’s and I don’t have any power over it at all which is very frustrating. 

And yesterday I went out of my way to make sure I visited my sis on the first anniversary of Mum’s death but I had one too many coffees on the way home and just ended up exhausted.

I think its time to practice some self care.  These extreme weather events seem to make me feel very unstable, there seems to be such an ominous energy of warning looming around humanity from nature, maybe I pick up on it more living alone.  I said to my nephew (and he agreed) how a kind of dark vortex can surround me at times and I find myself almost pulled under by it.   

Anyway I wonder how everyone else is faring today.  Its a relief to have some quiet time at home with Jasper.  He really is my refuge.  I just feel like staying small and quiet here at home and getting as close to the peace of silence and self containment as I can.   Christmas is coming soon and maybe its this time of year that is containing some massive triggers of past loss for me.  As I am sure it is for so many others.  

Simplicity and the Spiritual Center

A beautiful and very thought provoking post. I personally feel the most fulfilled in a state of simplicity.

Dominick Hankle PhD

spiritual essaysThere’s a famous quote by G. K. Chesterton that says, “There are two ways to get enough: one is to continue to accumulate more and more. The other is to desire less.” His words carry a great deal of wisdom for our culture. If we’re to grow spiritually, we must grow in simplicity. To grow in simplicity means more than keeping things uncomplicated, rather it’s a spiritual disposition allowing us to see things more clearly in the complications of life.

As a therapist and spiritual director, I often encounter people focusing on the peripheral areas of life instead of the core values and ideas that allow us to live as Christians. In a wonderful book called “Freedom of Simplicity” Richard Foster demonstrates how a Christian can embrace a life of simplicity. One of the practices he proposes is living from what he calls “The Divine Center.” Living from the Divine…

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Worried

I know you worry more than you can say

And there is no way this worry will go away

As it rests on solid ground

And so when I say not to worry

Its actually my way 

Of dismissing the particular gravity

Of this time of year

I know you fear

Me being all alone again

But wasn’t it just the way it always was

So much so that later on 

I could not escape

Such a powerful pattern repeating

So if I tell you

I will draw comfort from the silence

Please do know its true

For this pain will always be here

And the best I can do is honour it

There are so many things I needed of you

But you were not capable of giving

Because perhaps you never truly knew

How it was for me

To be living 

In this particular family

Kaleidoscope

Deep within my pain

You showed me truths that I could not understand

In any other way

Often I know now

It was only ignorance that led me astray

Shutters in my mind that obscured

Deeper truths 

That could only be revealed

Once the barricades were torn away

The poet once said

Now, we see through a glass darkly

But then we will see and know face to face

When the mask is ripped off the face of God

The heart can shatter into a million pieces

And from those we make of our lives

An awesome and incredible kaleidoscope 

A multifaceted rambling mosaic 

Of sacred meaning

On enlightenment and the destruction of love

Enlightenment involves a retraining of our mental muscles as we go against the emotional and psychological gravity of the fear based mind.  The ego seeks to preserve itself by luring us into loveless thoughts at every opportunity.  And make no mistake about it; it seems not merely to annoy us, but to make us suffer greatly: not merely to inconvenience us, but if at all possible to kill us.  From addiction to warfare, the ego seeks not merely to withhold love, but to destroy it.

Marianne Williamson

Please do not turn away

Please do not turn away from me

Even though my very being

Terrifies you to face

Please do not just ignore me

Because I need your loving embrace

Please don’t turn a deaf ear

To the things I have to say

Even they are so painful 

And make you want to turn away

Please just be with me 

And don’t say too much

For what I have to teach you

Often lays disguised in ashes and dust

And if you feel a burning

Please know that truth is near

And in the face of that difficult understanding

Defences need to disappear

What our pain has to teach us


Learning what our pain has to teach us is so important; so that on the other side of it, we’re less likely to experience the same pain again.  The mind that led us into hell to begin with is always more glad to welcome us back.   How odd that we spend so much time treating the darkness and so little time seeking the light.  The ego loves to glorify itself by self analysis, yet we do not get rid of darkness by hitting it with a baseball bat.  We only get rid of darkness by turning on the light.  In searching for God we do enter darkness but only in order to expose it to light…. we must retrieve the scattered pieces of our unintegrated self.  And from that act of love, we bear new life.  When we emerge from times of deep sorrow and pain, something more significant occurs tan our simply being happy again.  Having glimpsed the deepest darkness, we seek the light of God more clearly.  Truly, if God is anywhere, (she) is with us on our darkest days.  And when our darkest days are no longer with us, we do not forget that HE was with us when they were.

Your torment during this process is not a just a cold and clinical occurrence, but a holy process leading not only to the end of your pain, but to the beginning of a new sense of self.  You will suffer, perhaps, but in time you will heal.  A new chapter of your life will emerge from the ashes.  “God himself will wipe away all tears.”

Our civilisation has an immature and neurotic obsession with always trying to be happy.  And yet sometimes it is through having cried our tears that we can see at last our blessings.  In the words of Ernest Hemmingway, “The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places.”  The real question for anyone who suffers, is whether we want to be one of those who are strengthened by the experience.  

To say “I know this is a terrible time.  But it is not without meaning, and I am committed to finding out what that meaning is.  I am committed to opening myself to the lessons to be learned here.”  And the lesson is always, in some way, the expansion of our capacity to love.

There is only one real problem in life: that someone turned their back on love.  Yet no matter how intense the ego’s demonic hold on the mind – from mild annoyance to outright evil – God’s love is so great, and Her mercy so infinite, the she will always have the final say.  The universe is always ready to start again, to send another opportunity for love in a never ending wave.   The universe of love is incapable of exhaustion.  

Marianne Williamson, Surrendering to our Sorrow, Tears to Triumph Spiritual Healing for the Modern Plagues of Anxiety and Depression.

God is alive

When I am with you

I know that God is alive

Because I see her face

When I look into your eyes

I touch your fur as soft as silk

And smell your smell

Like boiled rice

I don’t want to think 

Twice of how it will be 

When you are gone

And I am so thankful

For today

That you share your beauty with me

And that

Your being lives on

Filling my life

With happiness

Solace and  so much grace.