You come and go
And i never know
For how long you will hold my heart
Torn apart as we are so often
Are
By this life you chose
Which makes me want to scream and shout
About all the times
I foundered all alone
But what use is thus argument
With reality
You say to me im an angel
But really im devilisht angry at times
That this inconsistency
Is the best you have to offer me
I have your handkerchief
I keep it here
And sometimes when I cry
I remember how
You were the only one to comfort me
After I gave the eulogy
And a flood fell
Within the swell
My heart and soul was held
By the youngest of the line
It was so kind
And as time goes by
I have this piece of cloth
To always remind me
Of that bittersweet
And oh so special time
And of the grief we shared
And you are never far from mind
Knowing how she died
Just two days after
The anniversary
Of your arrival
Here on earth
Circles
Within circles
All returning
While I bear witness
To the heart’s deep loss
And yearning
The energy last night was unlike anything I have experienced lately and today its been a day of drenching anxiety and negative thoughts streaming through my consciousness. I could not eat until 1 pm and then my mood shifted a bit but the inner critic attacks were relentless. Add to that that during the night a deluge of rain fell. It was torrential and I felt like it would not end and that my body containing nature was drowning from the inside. I struggled to rise, spiralling and unspiralling. This afternoon heavy gunmetal clouds are weighting down the sky. It took all my strength to get to therapy today. And I cried so deeply there. It feels there is a claim on me from so many around me needing financial or psychological support. It has been such a heavy heavy day for me. And I felt so keenly my ineptitude which is really nothing more than overwhelm.
My nephew called and it was hard for me to stop crying. He is also undergoing a lot and has so much of a struggle to support his family as an artist he now said he must take on a trade and before Mum died she asked me to make sure they were taken care of but my finances a dwindling as despite an inheritance I am due to receive its under the control of a friend of my mother’s and I don’t have any power over it at all which is very frustrating.
And yesterday I went out of my way to make sure I visited my sis on the first anniversary of Mum’s death but I had one too many coffees on the way home and just ended up exhausted.
I think its time to practice some self care. These extreme weather events seem to make me feel very unstable, there seems to be such an ominous energy of warning looming around humanity from nature, maybe I pick up on it more living alone. I said to my nephew (and he agreed) how a kind of dark vortex can surround me at times and I find myself almost pulled under by it.
Anyway I wonder how everyone else is faring today. Its a relief to have some quiet time at home with Jasper. He really is my refuge. I just feel like staying small and quiet here at home and getting as close to the peace of silence and self containment as I can. Christmas is coming soon and maybe its this time of year that is containing some massive triggers of past loss for me. As I am sure it is for so many others.
A beautiful and very thought provoking post. I personally feel the most fulfilled in a state of simplicity.
There’s a famous quote by G. K. Chesterton that says, “There are two ways to get enough: one is to continue to accumulate more and more. The other is to desire less.” His words carry a great deal of wisdom for our culture. If we’re to grow spiritually, we must grow in simplicity. To grow in simplicity means more than keeping things uncomplicated, rather it’s a spiritual disposition allowing us to see things more clearly in the complications of life.
As a therapist and spiritual director, I often encounter people focusing on the peripheral areas of life instead of the core values and ideas that allow us to live as Christians. In a wonderful book called “Freedom of Simplicity” Richard Foster demonstrates how a Christian can embrace a life of simplicity. One of the practices he proposes is living from what he calls “The Divine Center.” Living from the Divine…
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I know you worry more than you can say
And there is no way this worry will go away
As it rests on solid ground
And so when I say not to worry
Its actually my way
Of dismissing the particular gravity
Of this time of year
I know you fear
Me being all alone again
But wasn’t it just the way it always was
So much so that later on
I could not escape
Such a powerful pattern repeating
So if I tell you
I will draw comfort from the silence
Please do know its true
For this pain will always be here
And the best I can do is honour it
There are so many things I needed of you
But you were not capable of giving
Because perhaps you never truly knew
How it was for me
To be living
In this particular family
Deep within my pain
You showed me truths that I could not understand
In any other way
Often I know now
It was only ignorance that led me astray
Shutters in my mind that obscured
Deeper truths
That could only be revealed
Once the barricades were torn away
The poet once said
Now, we see through a glass darkly
But then we will see and know face to face
When the mask is ripped off the face of God
The heart can shatter into a million pieces
And from those we make of our lives
An awesome and incredible kaleidoscope
A multifaceted rambling mosaic
Of sacred meaning
Enlightenment involves a retraining of our mental muscles as we go against the emotional and psychological gravity of the fear based mind. The ego seeks to preserve itself by luring us into loveless thoughts at every opportunity. And make no mistake about it; it seems not merely to annoy us, but to make us suffer greatly: not merely to inconvenience us, but if at all possible to kill us. From addiction to warfare, the ego seeks not merely to withhold love, but to destroy it.
Marianne Williamson
Please do not turn away from me
Even though my very being
Terrifies you to face
Please do not just ignore me
Because I need your loving embrace
Please don’t turn a deaf ear
To the things I have to say
Even they are so painful
And make you want to turn away
Please just be with me
And don’t say too much
For what I have to teach you
Often lays disguised in ashes and dust
And if you feel a burning
Please know that truth is near
And in the face of that difficult understanding
Defences need to disappear
Learning what our pain has to teach us is so important; so that on the other side of it, we’re less likely to experience the same pain again. The mind that led us into hell to begin with is always more glad to welcome us back. How odd that we spend so much time treating the darkness and so little time seeking the light. The ego loves to glorify itself by self analysis, yet we do not get rid of darkness by hitting it with a baseball bat. We only get rid of darkness by turning on the light. In searching for God we do enter darkness but only in order to expose it to light…. we must retrieve the scattered pieces of our unintegrated self. And from that act of love, we bear new life. When we emerge from times of deep sorrow and pain, something more significant occurs tan our simply being happy again. Having glimpsed the deepest darkness, we seek the light of God more clearly. Truly, if God is anywhere, (she) is with us on our darkest days. And when our darkest days are no longer with us, we do not forget that HE was with us when they were.
Your torment during this process is not a just a cold and clinical occurrence, but a holy process leading not only to the end of your pain, but to the beginning of a new sense of self. You will suffer, perhaps, but in time you will heal. A new chapter of your life will emerge from the ashes. “God himself will wipe away all tears.”
Our civilisation has an immature and neurotic obsession with always trying to be happy. And yet sometimes it is through having cried our tears that we can see at last our blessings. In the words of Ernest Hemmingway, “The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places.” The real question for anyone who suffers, is whether we want to be one of those who are strengthened by the experience.
To say “I know this is a terrible time. But it is not without meaning, and I am committed to finding out what that meaning is. I am committed to opening myself to the lessons to be learned here.” And the lesson is always, in some way, the expansion of our capacity to love.
There is only one real problem in life: that someone turned their back on love. Yet no matter how intense the ego’s demonic hold on the mind – from mild annoyance to outright evil – God’s love is so great, and Her mercy so infinite, the she will always have the final say. The universe is always ready to start again, to send another opportunity for love in a never ending wave. The universe of love is incapable of exhaustion.
Marianne Williamson, Surrendering to our Sorrow, Tears to Triumph Spiritual Healing for the Modern Plagues of Anxiety and Depression.
When I am with you
I know that God is alive
Because I see her face
When I look into your eyes
I touch your fur as soft as silk
And smell your smell
Like boiled rice
I don’t want to think
Twice of how it will be
When you are gone
And I am so thankful
For today
That you share your beauty with me
And that
Your being lives on
Filling my life
With happiness
Solace and so much grace.
