falling satellite

actually did I abandon you

or did I just need some space

from a trigger

about my height and skinny ‘weight’

(echoes of childhood bullying?)

part of me just bristled

while yet another part knew it was a joke

while another longed just for a place

open and free

so far away from all of this

anxious attachment/abandonment confusion

now I weep

with tears stinging as they dry on my cheeks

whipped into a whirlwind trying to

eat and live

while holding the pain of longing for your closeness

deep inside my heart

while knowing how often holding was absent

So often that like an abandoned satellite

I just fell through space

freed from any loving

gravitational field

why blame myself

Apologising for my part

I reached to you for understanding

and all you could feel was your hurt

but deep inside this hall of mirrors

where does the pain belong?

go free my love

if you need to

for I don’t want to hurt you

with my injuries

and as much as long to love you

can I truly

or is this just

a hall of mirrors?

Fit the mould

Why does it hurt to be told

You do not fit the mould

And it would entirely suit someone’s purposes

Or ease their fears

That the parts of you that do not suit

Be cut down to size

I cannot lie

Such things restrict my heart

And stop my breath

Bringing my animal body

Into a state of panic

Or extreme arrest

And then opposing thoughts

Battle my instant reactions

As it dawns upon me

You are not me

And you just want to be free yourself

But in that case

Why try dampen my fire down

Why try to put my life

In prison?

Life and Death.

What a beautiful poem.. .love when a new follower brings to you the precious gift of their art, struggle and heart.

Serene Words

With my heart keeping all the words inside,

And my mind making me believe in disguise;

There’s this part of me trying to reach out to you.

Running, crawling, falling;

flying in the wide open sky.

In pursuit of a way to get to you.

And then, there’s the other; holding my head

High enough to stare at the Sun in its eyes.

I wonder if I’ve ever let you know;

My feelings for you were so true and pure.

Mesmerized yet traumatized by love,

Misery, your eternal rest and the breaking ties.

Engulfed by my own thoughts and surmise,

I hereby surrender myself

To the fundamentals of being alive.

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I am just like my parents

I cried so much after writing my earlier post about cutting off from Chahir, after reading it back and feeling the truth deep in my gut and my heart I got to see I am just like my parents and did to Chahir what they used to do to me, we had to be busy doing things all the time and there was no emotional holding or time to rest together and be quiet and calm and deeply connected, held inside an inner peacefulness. I may be just like them while railing against them for it.. That said when a friend is in need I try to be there and I know I would always try to comfort someone. I just had to write this to get the feelings out… I feel very sick to my stomach right now.. there is a hard part of me that cuts off when I feel hurt and will go after what it wants even if others need me and that conflicts.. This is such a conflict, one I will have to unpack in therapy on Monday.. I just worry too that as an airy person I intellectualise so much that sometimes I lack the capacity to respond to a loved one who needs me in a place of true feeling… Often I hear this saying my head “hello, I must be going”, sure this is all deeply related to early attachment stuff. I think in some way I abandoned Chahir… or it this all just inner child stuff… sorry folks for this babble but me being me I will post it, just to get it out there.

Feel my heart

Feel my heart

How it loves the song of the bird that sings

Of hopes of spring

And longs for this open hearted remembering

Of all that means the most in life

Feel my heart

Even when we are apart

And you long for a person who is gone

Oh how well I know that feeling

The desperate sense of drowning

Or reeling

Feel my heart

Even when your own heart wants to kill

When the hurting of absence

Turns your love to stone

For truly my love

This will leave us both all alone

And when our hearts feel each other

That is when we feel

Most at home

For life is also this

A bird that sings at dawn

After the long dark night has passed

Knowing this will not be the last time

It sees the sunrise

Sadness and upset today

Chahir is upset with me today.. Apparently yesterday he was joking about my weight and I took it seriously then cut off to go for a walk with Jasper. Today he told me I turned my face away from him, which on some level was true but sometimes there is so much to manage here and I have to get out and get going to feel some life moving through me…

I did all I could to apologise today.. I stood in the shower as my inner child cried out this ‘why does everyone end up leaving me, What did I do wrong?” At the same time I think Chahir was texting me to say he felt abandoned.. Did I abandon him and then make an excuse for doing it? Gosh life is complex.

I just know I have a lot of pain over absence and separation with others but when I tune in to connect to the core of my heart it disappears. Deep inside that space I hear my higher power telling me I do my best and that I ultimately have no control over what other people make of my actions…I honestly don’t mean to harm and I apologised and told him that… if he was here not miles away in Morocco none of this may be a problem but I am such an airy person I need freedom to move and breathe the air, being pinned down or held captive by anything, especially a demanding love would make me feel I was back once again in the crushed up car, fighting for my life, fighting to breathe.. Or maybe in that state a lover who really loved me would hold me as I cried it out, not like my ex who raged at me for it all.

This is my Pisces Chiron wound and today Mercury is very close to it. I looked yesterday and it backtracks to 28 degrees of Aquarius from the 7 to 11 or 12 of March and I think it goes direct on the 10th… So that will be opposing my Uranus which shows where I split off from feeling and try to take flight…Also fight with my Lion’s will to be me, since Uranus is in my chart placed in Leo in the first house.

I also got a text today from one of Dad’s relatives containing a very old photo of the family taken on the lawns of the house in Holland they grew up in.. Dad isn’t in it, but my Aunty Lies, who I came to know and love tenderly, is. I value this connection and hope to get to Holland next year some time to meet my relative Peter Vullings and his family…

Good things are happening in my life despite the rough and struggle, this much I know. I am slowly finding my way… Chahir won’t respond to the texts I sent apologising and trying to explain, but this is fair enough, things go so deep with him and into his heart and to long to be connected to your loved one and have them misunderstand and turn away hurts.. It makes me feel sad that I disconnected as I did yesterday when he felt he needed me but I did try to text him earlier and he was not free.

In the end I may not be able to give him what he needs and will feel all the sorrow that duties called me away for a time, from being present for him… And yet I always carry him and his love deep inside my heart and love him anyway… All I know is this… life is complex, relationships are complex and without forgiveness, sensitivity and compassion its not always easy to reconcile the conflicting expectations and longings that so often drive or end up dividing us.

Waking dream

Perhaps all of this pain was meant to be

Just possibly the way to be free

Was to face it all

Accepting that what came

Was some kind of gift

Even when I felt it to be

The heaviest of burdens

Now that the view is beginning to clear

And I have dried so many of my tears

I understand more of what came to pass

And my heart grows in compassion

Sometimes I feel you moving so close to me

Whispering the things you never got a chance to say

Making all the hurt and fear I felt

Melt away

Sometimes it all makes sense to me

And then sometimes in the midst of this

I just get overcome

With the most overwhelming flow of peace

As I know myself to have been

On exactly the right journey

Then it is that the broken pieces of this experience

I call my life

Coalesce

Into an amazing kaleidoscope

Within which a glaring symmetry

Reveals a hidden image of my self

Reflecting deep within the waking dream

Of my life

Fully alive : killing forces

To be fully alive

We must feel free

To be the very one

We were born to be

To come back to life

After surviving death

No one will fully understand

What is truly left

Deep inside the soul of one

Whose inner light and truth

Seemed to shine too brightly

For this world

Those whose spirit was almost entirely extinguished

Or put to death

By killing forces that so often abound

In a world grown dark

Where we find ourselves

Constantly surrounded by

The obliteration of joy

How sad for this life energy we carry

To become a threat

The very life that restores the love

To a soul made bereft

By the starvation

Of genuine impulses

That nature provides

How then to stay alive

In this place

How to reclaim the light

When light is stolen

To speak for life

When true life urges are so often

Broken with the will of the one

Who longs only to come awake

Within the enforced trance

Of emotional sleep

Perpetrated

By killing forces


Feeling free and alive : today's reflections

My absolutely favourite place on a sunny day is walking via the parkland to a huge expanse of green oval where I run to my heart’s content with Jasper… Today the huge mower was cycling around us as we ran around playing and throwing the ball in the sun on the soft grass, feeling the cool fresh air on our skin and fur. Then and then I had this amazing feeling and thought “I am free and I am alive.” If you knew the many many years I felt dead and trapped inside my trauma, unable to eat or move or even make it out of the house, terrified to connect with those who would misunderstand or try to put me down, if you knew the pain I went through two times nearly dying it would make sense, but then, many of you who read this have undergone your own trials, challenges, accidents and deep pain too know to be human is TO FEEL AND NOT TO DENY HOW WE FEEL WHICH IS INHUMAN! And to be human is also to seek for ways to deal with and let go of past pain that repeats.

How many times have you been told that you just have suck up trauma or abuse or bad treatment? How many times have you been told you should just ‘get over it’, or ‘put it behind you’, while being shamed or shut down for trying to express the truth? If you think about it we wouldn’t tell someone with a broken ankle they need to stand on it before it heals, so why do we do this to people with Complex PTSD, anxiety or/and depression?

The truth is that this kind of advice comes from those who do not suffer. And yet there is no path through our trauma and pain without re-experiencing it while slowly developing the understanding that we are not trapped in it any more even though it will hold onto us as long as it needs too….

How each of us works with our individual karmic burden is up to us.. I was noticing on the Facebook Ascension Shift page that right now a lot of people are exhausted with trying to support aging family members, they may have had accidents or injuries and are not being helped by compensation and actively made to feel worse by this lack of support. The truth is that right now so many of us need support, but we also need to work to be active advocates for change and what is not working… It can get tiring which is why those free moments of play at the oval with Jasper give me so much.

After I got home and dropped my half full coffee cup while trying to sort leads and errant doggie bags after my walk with Jasper the words of one of my favourite Soul To Soul songs of the 1980’s came to me

Feeling free

Release your inhibitions

Go forward

Achieve your goals and ambitions.

For me my ambitions got drowned when family karma and struggling relatives needed help… I just had Chahir trying to tell me I need fattening up because I am so skinny.. I just disengaged but before I did I said to him. “I like how I am, I may not be as pretty as a few years ago when I had more weight but I lost a lot of it being there for sick family” he then told me he wanted to offend me on purpose.. So I just said “that’s a shit thing to do I am going to walk Jasper.” To which text I got the thumbs up symbol. To be honest it doesn’t upset me thought its out of order.. I just don’t need that sort of shit really, but neither do I want to take my looks to seriously.. what is the point, maybe it was a test to see how seriously I take myself, does it matter? Not really and no one has lived my life…Only I know what has gone on deep in the heart of me and in my family with all its complex dynamics.

All this said I am so grateful to be alive today.. Today I woke knowing my sister who was sick for so many years with anxiety and depression today flew free to attend a course at a beautiful spot in Byron Bay….And I realise I played a part in that by being there and encouraging her in her darkest moments… So no, at this point I don’t have to take shit from anyone. I just have to go free and take steps to tune into and follow my instincts to lead me towards the things that make me feel most alive.

Sometimes people try to imply that anxiety and depression are not real but they are struggles within our mind and in many ways this it true but for so many of us the ghosts and phantoms and negative pulls are very real and summon all our energy… In the end it is our capacity to hold on through the tough stuff and make necessary shifts in perspective that free our energy that matters most. In AA we say the miracle of healing comes with altered attitude or a shift of perspective and sometimes strangely this only occurs after we have descended to the darkest point or place. It is then we hear, the Easter music and decide to take that openhearted leap back into freedom and life.