How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me.
I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships.
If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.
Bravery. It took bravery to decline my son’s offer to visit, and to explain why. It is more usual to put my husband’s, and son’s needs or wants before my own. It is unusual to pay respect to my own. It brings me great pleasure and satisfaction for my family to be happy.
Cory really wanted me to come see his new home, which is why I said yes, while my insides were screaming NO! And to decline only a week prior seems very discourteous. He has been aware of my extreme ambivalence.
Last week I gave another firm yes. But I also mentioned at the tail end of my ‘yes’ about tomorrow’s appointment meeting the new eye surgeon, and the trepidation that involves.
There are limits to what I can do. Facing the upcoming eye surgeries is taking a great deal of courage, even if the actual procedures are…
I had a fairly smooth day yesterday by sidestepping when someone was trying to ‘pull’ me in again and had moments of real peace and happiness within myself, but today I had another test with it and boundaries and my God did I start feeling angry when I wasn’t spoken to with empathy and was dumped with someone else’s stuff. That said I still struggle deeply with my own sensitive nature and how much care to give to others. I managed it well yesterday but today I really felt the repercussions in my body. Sometimes I only know how to ‘cut’ contact when I am triggered and that is for self protection and in order to know what is going down. However, if the other person is triggered and puts up demands it makes me really activated maybe because my boundaries were so often violated in childhood, then I can start to feel bad for it and wonder if the defending is shutting my heart down.
I read in that book by Michael Singer last week that shutting down our heart does not work but the fine line is when we have to much com in our ‘compassion’ which basically means ‘to feel empathetic passions with’ someone. Some of us over empathise or care taken in order to feel cared for and about and then some times, too, people are our mirrors or we are put together to work out boundaries and other issues.
Today, I have had so much going on that I am feeing highly stimulated I am also due for a hair appointment in an hour but on an early morning walk all this stuff started coming up from my inner child about how often my body was invaded with hurtful things, some of you know about the 3rd degree burns I sustained from one of my mother’s cleaning frenzies and the fish hook through the webbing of my toes, but there was also the enema they gave me when I was emotionally upset and the invasive head bridle torture thing I had to wear for a year and a half with my braces. I get so much chemical stuff going down too in my head and neck and gut from the head trauma I suffered in 2005. Most people don’t understand how trauma is stored in the body/psyche as vibration and it remains as vibration in the body awaiting activation and release. A chiropractor explained it to me a few years back who does a gentle form of touch therapy called ‘network’ chiropractic. That said we have to move through our own release work too.
I nearly canclled the appointment today but I am going to go through with it. I also have the cleaner here and I am finding his energy very disruptive at the moment and poor Jasper tends to freak out with the vacuum cleaner. Like Jasper I find it hard when a lot is going down around me with machinery, I was cut out of the car when I was 17 and trapped inside for a long time
Anyway there was a very good reason I used to so called ‘isolate’ on the back of the head trauma and the shit treatment by my sister and mother following the collapse of my marriage. But that sense of being apart and alone is part of trauma and having to undergo the long slow process of undoing what I choose to call soul loss or tears in our soul fabric. If I spend a lot of time alone there is a good reason and often I have such magical moments in nature. I had one today just looking at this amazing old gum tree that had leaves woven into its bark where they became trapped and it seemed to me that the tree was like a giant ancient being who was shedding his skin, as pieces of bark were strewn all around the base, the sun was shining bright and Jasper was in his element chasing birds and for a moment I was part of everything. If I was stuck in an office in some mundane job I would not be having those kinds of moments, that said I would probably be having other moments. I just get so sick of those who speak of people with trauma being pathological for so called ‘retreating’ or ‘regressing’ when really we are just seeking ways to mend tears and come into a more wholistic relationship with the totality of being and the being of nature.
I want to love who I am and respect myself for my process and I don’t think we should have to settle for being misunderstood even thought its also not realistic for everyone to understand. We just tend to feel a lot more genuinely ‘isolated’ when we do feel misunderstood.
I seem to have spent most of my adult life getting pulled into the problems, dis-ease and life of others. It is interesting to me that today Mercury is finally about to clear its square to my Natal Neptune in the third house of siblings and communication and perception as it is the final planet to do this as Venus, Mars and the Sun have all squared Neptune over the past few months and I know in reading Liz Greene’s psychological take on Neptune many years ago it really has been a powerful ‘undoing’ influence in my life.
Neptune deals with that nebulous place where our boundaries are unclear. It is like the amniotic fluid that the embryo floats in. Those of us who are highly attuned to the needs and egos of others and have nto got to develop what psychologists call ‘firm ego boundaries” often suffer from Neptunian problems. Neptune also rules alcohol and drugs and other substances that can ‘erase a sense of separate self. Erasing a sense of a separate self is ideal for creative work which is one reason Liz Greene advises those of us with this influence strong to get involved in creative work, but when it comes to interpersonal relationships it can be highly ‘messy’. And sometimes we need to lose our boundaries in another, but it is ideal if we can move back into them too and for some of us negotiating this dance is difficult as porous Neptune also shows we subject to ‘infiltration’ from others projections, agendas and will and desires which may not always have our own best interests at heart.
The messy situation I have been involved with Scott since May last year is a Neptunian one par excellence. The boundaries have kept morphing along with requests for ‘help’ and my fears and boundaries often challenged. There is no way I can blame him for what I see as a divine given playing out of an important life lesson for me. I just don’t want the level of pain I go through to keep stopping me in my tracks and stealing away my happiness. There have never been any threats on his behalf to cut off the relationship if I don’t do what he wanted, like in my last relationship where I got given the silent treatment a lot. And I do see parallels between our two situations in terms of feeling ‘stuck’ but the truth is that today when I managed not to get caught up in his struggle and drama is that I am only as ‘stuck’ as I tell myself. I got myself out in the car to the park to avoid more texts today and read a brilliant novel by Rupert Thomson I started this week. I felt happy and free again as opposite to the anxiousness I always feel now when he texts me. I often make myself do things that make me feel like this because my inner critic tells me I am being “woos” if I don’t. I see that having relationships for me is often predicated on me denying my true feelings and twisting myself out of shape and re reading Christine Northrup’s book on energy vampires and empaths helped me to pin pint something vital yesterday.
I actually feel it energetically when his energy is reaching out. It took me a while to get going today and I was doing fine but my energy started to go ‘off’ or haywire and when I checked the phone, sure enough he had texted in response to a text I sent saying the entire scenario is just making me so angry right now I need distance. In the car at the Park contemplating all of this I remembered what Thomas Moore writes about in his book on Dark Nights of the Soul. He says that in order to survive and thrive at this time we need to learn to become far more attuned, watchful and savvy so we don’t get hooked up in other people’s transferences and hidden agendas or find ourselves constantly having to soothe their own anxieties, in short others need to face their own ‘tough stuff’ too, if they really want to mature.
All that said I do fall into a lot of my ‘being alone’ abandonment when I think I finally need to let this entire thing go. I just sat with my inner child last night and let her know no matter what she thinks she really isn’t alone as long as adult me doesn’t abandon her any more. I also had to sit with the painful memories of every other time I was betrayed or left in past relationships. I was very hurt by Simon when he kept sleeping with me even after breaking it off and telling me I had more to offer than any other person he had ever known. When we travelled to Scandinavia in 1986 he hooked up with a beautiful blonde girl there and sent me home on the boat at Helsinki. This was only about 18 months after my father had died. It was so so so painful and that is not to mention four other relationships in which I allowed myself to be emotionally abandoned and then act out the pain in active addiction. Scott never abandons me emotionally and will not either if I stop helping, so sad to say now I have to take the risk of putting myself as Number One and taking the risk we may not get to meet for 18 more months. I just feel that this time I have to choose for me, even if it means I end up ‘alone’. I think of how much I sacrificed to stay close to my sister and Mum and I will always be glad in one way I chose to be with the people I loved even if they put me down at times and failed to value who I really was, I always tried to keep the connection open, but at times it makes me very sad too.
However, as inconsistent as my Mum was I do remember the many times she told me that of all her children it was me she was most proud of for kicking my addiction. And no matter how much the Inner Critic tells me I am a waste of space I know it isn’t speaking the truth and that my value doesn’t need to ever again rest on anything outside of who I truly feel myself to be inside, a gift of life to life, a person who has had so much trauma and has done her level best to keep growing and opening herself to life, even though at times shutting down has been so essential too.