the hollow depths of alone

there is a place that you go

where no one else can find you

and there it is you meet yourself

even amongst all of the broken fragments

and it will often not be for others

to understand

the necessity of this

to know exactly how

fullness can arise

from emptiness

which is why these things

are so rarely spoken of

so it makes perfect sense

for us to suffer all alone

hearts as heavy as stones

until the time comes for us to

rise again

casting off the dead weight

of broken dreams

we could only find a way to shed

through enduring the hollow depths

of alone

Promote a Poet/Writer Thursday | August 22, 2019

This is some fun and a way to promote a WordPress poet whose work you really enjoy.

Go Dog Go Café

Promote a Poet.Writer Thursday

Welcome to Promote a Poet/Writer Thursday! This is the day of the week where all members of the Go Dog Go Café Community are invited to introduce a Poet or Writer they enjoy reading.

Participating is really fast and simple- in the comments below, post the link for the Home Page of the Poet/Writer you are introducing to us and tell us briefly why you think they are special.

We encourage all of you to visit these blogs (or social media pages) and get acquainted with some great new writers.  You never know who you might meet. . .

Happy reading!

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BRAVERY

Ordinary heroes live amongst us and so often we do not know that they really are.

Patricia J Grace

Bravery. It took bravery to decline my son’s offer to visit, and to explain why. It is more usual to put my husband’s, and son’s needs or wants before my own. It is unusual to pay respect to my own. It brings me great pleasure and satisfaction for my family to be happy.

Cory really wanted me to come see his new home, which is why I said yes, while my insides were screaming NO! And to decline only a week prior seems very discourteous. He has been aware of my extreme ambivalence.

Last week I gave another firm yes. But I also mentioned at the tail end of my ‘yes’ about tomorrow’s appointment meeting the new eye surgeon, and the trepidation that involves.  

There are limits to what I can do. Facing the upcoming eye surgeries is taking a great deal of courage, even if the actual procedures are…

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Our soul’s lost land

You heard my wish

When no one else could hear me

Something in you

Knew the hidden byways of my soul

And dared to hold up a mirror

That for once

Reflected back the truth

And for that

I do not know

If there will ever be

A way to repay you

Because deep inside

This I know

We need in life

At least one true friend

Who sees us as we are

And will hold our hand

Encouraging us

As we navigate our way home

To our soul’s lost land

Handling high state of activation : and some reflections on living in the ‘isolation’ of trauma

I had a fairly smooth day yesterday by sidestepping when someone was trying to ‘pull’ me in again and had moments of real peace and happiness within myself, but today I had another test with it and boundaries and my God did I start feeling angry when I wasn’t spoken to with empathy and was dumped with someone else’s stuff. That said I still struggle deeply with my own sensitive nature and how much care to give to others. I managed it well yesterday but today I really felt the repercussions in my body. Sometimes I only know how to ‘cut’ contact when I am triggered and that is for self protection and in order to know what is going down. However, if the other person is triggered and puts up demands it makes me really activated maybe because my boundaries were so often violated in childhood, then I can start to feel bad for it and wonder if the defending is shutting my heart down.

I read in that book by Michael Singer last week that shutting down our heart does not work but the fine line is when we have to much com in our ‘compassion’ which basically means ‘to feel empathetic passions with’ someone. Some of us over empathise or care taken in order to feel cared for and about and then some times, too, people are our mirrors or we are put together to work out boundaries and other issues.

Today, I have had so much going on that I am feeing highly stimulated I am also due for a hair appointment in an hour but on an early morning walk all this stuff started coming up from my inner child about how often my body was invaded with hurtful things, some of you know about the 3rd degree burns I sustained from one of my mother’s cleaning frenzies and the fish hook through the webbing of my toes, but there was also the enema they gave me when I was emotionally upset and the invasive head bridle torture thing I had to wear for a year and a half with my braces. I get so much chemical stuff going down too in my head and neck and gut from the head trauma I suffered in 2005. Most people don’t understand how trauma is stored in the body/psyche as vibration and it remains as vibration in the body awaiting activation and release. A chiropractor explained it to me a few years back who does a gentle form of touch therapy called ‘network’ chiropractic. That said we have to move through our own release work too.

I nearly canclled the appointment today but I am going to go through with it. I also have the cleaner here and I am finding his energy very disruptive at the moment and poor Jasper tends to freak out with the vacuum cleaner. Like Jasper I find it hard when a lot is going down around me with machinery, I was cut out of the car when I was 17 and trapped inside for a long time

Anyway there was a very good reason I used to so called ‘isolate’ on the back of the head trauma and the shit treatment by my sister and mother following the collapse of my marriage. But that sense of being apart and alone is part of trauma and having to undergo the long slow process of undoing what I choose to call soul loss or tears in our soul fabric. If I spend a lot of time alone there is a good reason and often I have such magical moments in nature. I had one today just looking at this amazing old gum tree that had leaves woven into its bark where they became trapped and it seemed to me that the tree was like a giant ancient being who was shedding his skin, as pieces of bark were strewn all around the base, the sun was shining bright and Jasper was in his element chasing birds and for a moment I was part of everything. If I was stuck in an office in some mundane job I would not be having those kinds of moments, that said I would probably be having other moments. I just get so sick of those who speak of people with trauma being pathological for so called ‘retreating’ or ‘regressing’ when really we are just seeking ways to mend tears and come into a more wholistic relationship with the totality of being and the being of nature.

I want to love who I am and respect myself for my process and I don’t think we should have to settle for being misunderstood even thought its also not realistic for everyone to understand. We just tend to feel a lot more genuinely ‘isolated’ when we do feel misunderstood.

Loneliness

Loneliness was the comfortable blue shirt that you wore

Wrapping it tightly around you

Helping you to feel safe from harm

Lonelieness was the deep blue sea you dived into

After all the hurt made your body ache

For the soft drowning of water

Loneliness was the storm that blew up

When they left you alone

And the cracks in the windows

Could not hold out the rain

Loneliness oh so familiar

Was what most came to feel like home

Transforming itself

Over time

Into solitude

A cosy womb

That gave you a way

To find your way home

To your soul again

Quietly

Quietly in this moment

I feel your breath

Against my cheek

As we watch seven magpies fly

Towards the horizon

Calm is here

And tenderness too

On a gentle afternoon

As all the world winds its wheels

Slowly down

In preparation for a new week

What cares do we have

As here

We quietly lay

Sensing the gentle closing of the day

Nothing but love

Surrounding us in this moment

Heavens above

Sometimes

An intimation of paradise comes

In these glimpses

Of softly tinged dusk

When the whispered intimations

Of coming home

Resound deeply within

Our hearts and souls

And gladness rises

As emptiness leaves

With the whispered touch

Of late afternoon breeze

As all around us

Life

Quietly breathes

emerging dreams

Pass me by

For now I know

I feel more comfortable

To live alone

And all of the restless dreams you dreamed

Were not really ever about me

But never the less

My hidden grief and emptiness

Drew you to me

As it did before

To those who would rather

I learned to ignore

The truth that lived

Within my heart and soul

And so

If it was that I felt torn

Each and every time

You painted these rainbow coloured dreams

While asking me to forget

That things in black and white

Are more clearly defined

And it is not always healthy

To be amorphous

Don’t you see

I have my own dreams to dream

And my own colours to define

For in every life there comes a time

When must shut the door

And turn the key

On that which no longer brings

Fulfilment of these

Emerging dreams

The slowly waking dreamer

Dreams


Life as me

Life as me

Feels free

No longer anyone to impress

I can count on this

That where there was only emptiness before

I now have a store of love and understanding

To draw upon

I remember now with less alarm

All of those terribly dark years of emptiness

When I did not know truly

What it was I had lost

The way to

Myself

And yet I wonder too if there is not

Another self born out of all of this

As if all of the pain were only there

To serve as a midwife to the growth

Of me

I person who can finally feel

Freely herself

Comfortable to live

Deeply suited

Within

Her own skin

Learning to sidestep the problems of others

I seem to have spent most of my adult life getting pulled into the problems, dis-ease and life of others. It is interesting to me that today Mercury is finally about to clear its square to my Natal Neptune in the third house of siblings and communication and perception as it is the final planet to do this as Venus, Mars and the Sun have all squared Neptune over the past few months and I know in reading Liz Greene’s psychological take on Neptune many years ago it really has been a powerful ‘undoing’ influence in my life.

Neptune deals with that nebulous place where our boundaries are unclear. It is like the amniotic fluid that the embryo floats in. Those of us who are highly attuned to the needs and egos of others and have nto got to develop what psychologists call ‘firm ego boundaries” often suffer from Neptunian problems. Neptune also rules alcohol and drugs and other substances that can ‘erase a sense of separate self. Erasing a sense of a separate self is ideal for creative work which is one reason Liz Greene advises those of us with this influence strong to get involved in creative work, but when it comes to interpersonal relationships it can be highly ‘messy’. And sometimes we need to lose our boundaries in another, but it is ideal if we can move back into them too and for some of us negotiating this dance is difficult as porous Neptune also shows we subject to ‘infiltration’ from others projections, agendas and will and desires which may not always have our own best interests at heart.

The messy situation I have been involved with Scott since May last year is a Neptunian one par excellence. The boundaries have kept morphing along with requests for ‘help’ and my fears and boundaries often challenged. There is no way I can blame him for what I see as a divine given playing out of an important life lesson for me. I just don’t want the level of pain I go through to keep stopping me in my tracks and stealing away my happiness. There have never been any threats on his behalf to cut off the relationship if I don’t do what he wanted, like in my last relationship where I got given the silent treatment a lot. And I do see parallels between our two situations in terms of feeling ‘stuck’ but the truth is that today when I managed not to get caught up in his struggle and drama is that I am only as ‘stuck’ as I tell myself. I got myself out in the car to the park to avoid more texts today and read a brilliant novel by Rupert Thomson I started this week. I felt happy and free again as opposite to the anxiousness I always feel now when he texts me. I often make myself do things that make me feel like this because my inner critic tells me I am being “woos” if I don’t. I see that having relationships for me is often predicated on me denying my true feelings and twisting myself out of shape and re reading Christine Northrup’s book on energy vampires and empaths helped me to pin pint something vital yesterday.

I actually feel it energetically when his energy is reaching out. It took me a while to get going today and I was doing fine but my energy started to go ‘off’ or haywire and when I checked the phone, sure enough he had texted in response to a text I sent saying the entire scenario is just making me so angry right now I need distance. In the car at the Park contemplating all of this I remembered what Thomas Moore writes about in his book on Dark Nights of the Soul. He says that in order to survive and thrive at this time we need to learn to become far more attuned, watchful and savvy so we don’t get hooked up in other people’s transferences and hidden agendas or find ourselves constantly having to soothe their own anxieties, in short others need to face their own ‘tough stuff’ too, if they really want to mature.

All that said I do fall into a lot of my ‘being alone’ abandonment when I think I finally need to let this entire thing go. I just sat with my inner child last night and let her know no matter what she thinks she really isn’t alone as long as adult me doesn’t abandon her any more. I also had to sit with the painful memories of every other time I was betrayed or left in past relationships. I was very hurt by Simon when he kept sleeping with me even after breaking it off and telling me I had more to offer than any other person he had ever known. When we travelled to Scandinavia in 1986 he hooked up with a beautiful blonde girl there and sent me home on the boat at Helsinki. This was only about 18 months after my father had died. It was so so so painful and that is not to mention four other relationships in which I allowed myself to be emotionally abandoned and then act out the pain in active addiction. Scott never abandons me emotionally and will not either if I stop helping, so sad to say now I have to take the risk of putting myself as Number One and taking the risk we may not get to meet for 18 more months. I just feel that this time I have to choose for me, even if it means I end up ‘alone’. I think of how much I sacrificed to stay close to my sister and Mum and I will always be glad in one way I chose to be with the people I loved even if they put me down at times and failed to value who I really was, I always tried to keep the connection open, but at times it makes me very sad too.

However, as inconsistent as my Mum was I do remember the many times she told me that of all her children it was me she was most proud of for kicking my addiction. And no matter how much the Inner Critic tells me I am a waste of space I know it isn’t speaking the truth and that my value doesn’t need to ever again rest on anything outside of who I truly feel myself to be inside, a gift of life to life, a person who has had so much trauma and has done her level best to keep growing and opening herself to life, even though at times shutting down has been so essential too.