How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture.
I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to begin to express some of my thoughts and feeilngs, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships.
if it touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out is to touch other people and find where our souls meet.
The energy last night was unlike anything I have experienced lately and today its been a day of drenching anxiety and negative thoughts streaming through my consciousness. I could not eat until 1 pm and then my mood shifted a bit but the inner critic attacks were relentless. Add to that that during the night a deluge of rain fell. It was torrential and I felt like it would not end and that my body containing nature was drowning from the inside. I struggled to rise, spiralling and unspiralling. This afternoon heavy gunmetal clouds are weighting down the sky. It took all my strength to get to therapy today. And I cried so deeply there. It feels there is a claim on me from so many around me needing financial or psychological support. It has been such a heavy heavy day for me. And I felt so keenly my ineptitude which is really nothing more than overwhelm.
My nephew called and it was hard for me to stop crying. He is also undergoing a lot and has so much of a struggle to support his family as an artist he now said he must take on a trade and before Mum died she asked me to make sure they were taken care of but my finances a dwindling as despite an inheritance I am due to receive its under the control of a friend of my mother’s and I don’t have any power over it at all which is very frustrating.
And yesterday I went out of my way to make sure I visited my sis on the first anniversary of Mum’s death but I had one too many coffees on the way home and just ended up exhausted.
I think its time to practice some self care. These extreme weather events seem to make me feel very unstable, there seems to be such an ominous energy of warning looming around humanity from nature, maybe I pick up on it more living alone. I said to my nephew (and he agreed) how a kind of dark vortex can surround me at times and I find myself almost pulled under by it.
Anyway I wonder how everyone else is faring today. Its a relief to have some quiet time at home with Jasper. He really is my refuge. I just feel like staying small and quiet here at home and getting as close to the peace of silence and self containment as I can. Christmas is coming soon and maybe its this time of year that is containing some massive triggers of past loss for me. As I am sure it is for so many others.
There’s a famous quote by G. K. Chesterton that says, “There are two ways to get enough: one is to continue to accumulate more and more. The other is to desire less.” His words carry a great deal of wisdom for our culture. If we’re to grow spiritually, we must grow in simplicity. To grow in simplicity means more than keeping things uncomplicated, rather it’s a spiritual disposition allowing us to see things more clearly in the complications of life.
As a therapist and spiritual director, I often encounter people focusing on the peripheral areas of life instead of the core values and ideas that allow us to live as Christians. In a wonderful book called “Freedom of Simplicity” Richard Foster demonstrates how a Christian can embrace a life of simplicity. One of the practices he proposes is living from what he calls “The Divine Center.” Living from the Divine…
Enlightenment involves a retraining of our mental muscles as we go against the emotional and psychological gravity of the fear based mind. The ego seeks to preserve itself by luring us into loveless thoughts at every opportunity. And make no mistake about it; it seems not merely to annoy us, but to make us suffer greatly: not merely to inconvenience us, but if at all possible to kill us. From addiction to warfare, the ego seeks not merely to withhold love, but to destroy it.
Learning what our pain has to teach us is so important; so that on the other side of it, we’re less likely to experience the same pain again. The mind that led us into hell to begin with is always more glad to welcome us back. How odd that we spend so much time treating the darkness and so little time seeking the light. The ego loves to glorify itself by self analysis, yet we do not get rid of darkness by hitting it with a baseball bat. We only get rid of darkness by turning on the light. In searching for God we do enter darkness but only in order to expose it to light…. we must retrieve the scattered pieces of our unintegrated self. And from that act of love, we bear new life. When we emerge from times of deep sorrow and pain, something more significant occurs tan our simply being happy again. Having glimpsed the deepest darkness, we seek the light of God more clearly. Truly, if God is anywhere, (she) is with us on our darkest days. And when our darkest days are no longer with us, we do not forget that HE was with us when they were.
Your torment during this process is not a just a cold and clinical occurrence, but a holy process leading not only to the end of your pain, but to the beginning of a new sense of self. You will suffer, perhaps, but in time you will heal. A new chapter of your life will emerge from the ashes. “God himself will wipe away all tears.”
Our civilisation has an immature and neurotic obsession with always trying to be happy. And yet sometimes it is through having cried our tears that we can see at last our blessings. In the words of Ernest Hemmingway, “The world breaks everyone, and afterward, many are strong at the broken places.” The real question for anyone who suffers, is whether we want to be one of those who are strengthened by the experience.
To say “I know this is a terrible time. But it is not without meaning, and I am committed to finding out what that meaning is. I am committed to opening myself to the lessons to be learned here.” And the lesson is always, in some way, the expansion of our capacity to love.
There is only one real problem in life: that someone turned their back on love. Yet no matter how intense the ego’s demonic hold on the mind – from mild annoyance to outright evil – God’s love is so great, and Her mercy so infinite, the she will always have the final say. The universe is always ready to start again, to send another opportunity for love in a never ending wave. The universe of love is incapable of exhaustion.
Marianne Williamson, Surrendering to our Sorrow, Tears to Triumph Spiritual Healing for the Modern Plagues of Anxiety and Depression.