Bloody dentist

I had to have a simple check up on my denture today but they make me take this toxic fluid into my mouth at that dentist each time and it immediately started to send my mouth and chest and guts haywire.. Someone on the Ascension Symptoms page on Facebook said that flouride is apparently toxic to the pineal gland, I am not sure what is in this stuff but I came home feeling nauseous after doing so much work to set myself right this week. I have to battle on but my chest hurts..

I really cannot stand medical intervention.. I am so grateful I faced up to getting this latest stuff done as much as I think it was a fools game due to the ways its thrown me around since the 21st of December but at least I faced up and did not avoid it.. I do not have to go back for one year so that is a good thing.. In that time I am hopeful I can set myself right again.

Feeling nauseasted, need to eat, luckily Jasper only seems to want to sleep today so I got let off the morning ‘walkie’ as my dear friend Ivor calls it.. this is just a me venting post.. Its what I do it helps to move this shit out of my system as it really is sending my digestion haywire today, god I hate the bloody dentist! (actually my dentist is a lovely sweet lady who tries to help others, I maybe should have called this bloody dental mouth flouride treatment!)

Without fear

You cannot touch me now

Unless I say so

You cannot hurt me any more

With your carelessness

Do not tell me that these wounds

Should not hurt

Let me trust the hurting

As a divine path

That lead me to the truth

Of what happened to me

But even as it happened

A part of my soul remained free

And that is why in dreams I flew

So far away from you

But taking flight sometimes is not right

Some times to have a heart of courage

You must stay and ground and fight

Speaking for your truth

Even as they try to discredit derail

Or confuse you

Remember only this

Deep inside your core

Your soul knows the truth of what happened

Not only to you

But like a long and tangled curse repeating

So trust in what your body says

Drawing close to the soul

Do not be lead astray by their confusing ways

Know this

You have the strength to walk on earth

And defeat this curse

Not by running and hiding

But my standing your ground

Facing up

And letting the truth be known

Expressed and embodied

Without fear

Touching the joy present in being

When I get captured by my body symptoms there is no peace.. I am noticing lately peace only comes when I let go and tap into the joy of being present.. Today two ways I did that was to touch my pupster Jasper on his tummy and then listen to his breath and feel the calm as I rested my head near his heart which was lovely I could hear him breathing and since life is breath then I was in that moment touching base with life after a morning where I had a massive energetic swing after eating and further battles with Scott in the early hours over money and help.

I then got out to my local cafe where I can sit and be around people, see the sky and be present with the birds, yesterday I touched base with nature and the birds too, I notice when I talk to the magpies they come closer, yes they are looking for food but they are also super inquisitive intelligent birds and responf to the attention and love.. Today out side on the terrace at my cafe they opened up in song and in such a beautiful way and in that moment I felt pure joy along with a sense of aliveness.. When I got back to the car to check messages the following talk by Eckhart Tolle came up on my You Tube feed. Its interesting as in it he talks about joy and presence and touching base with nature and also about the joy he senses seeing eagles in flight.. This really spoke to me.. As a youngster I always had dreams of flying. I have 7 planets in air in my chart and I also loved to dance, before family gave me the idea was just an overly dramatic attention seeking aspect to my nature. Not true I loved the sheer joy of dancing and feeling my body moving

Real hell for me was being smashed up in that car at 17 and unable to breathe, pinned to a bed for three months not knowing if I would make my school formal, missing it and watching life go by and then coming out of that missing teeth and more teeth and going through all of the following 7 painful years of trauma and more.

Lately I feel I have navigated to the depths of my pain in sobriety, its just I do not want to live in the trauma zone anymore but still I will get drawn into it when I hear stories of others who struggled like Amy Tan, for her she could write about it, as I did, in that way trying to make sense of it and find her own path and peace..

For me now there will be times I go into the ‘story’ and body reactivity but my solution now is to witness that part of me going there from the deeper level of the observer Self. Knowing I am not my trauma has taken time, yes it really affected and changed me and I hope in many ways for good, but it also at times poisoned my world view and there is an antidote to that now.. For me that rests in finding moments of joy, natural connection and presence.. That for me in these recent weeks has provided my trauma cure.

To my old self, thank you.

I love this…its all about showing up for ourselves.

Finding the Courage to Change

The other day my sister came up to me with a photo of myself from two years ago. The photo is of the old me. The me still hung up on my ex. The me still afraid to really smile because of her messed up teeth. The me weighing 350lbs. The me still lost and searching for herself, love, and acceptance. When she showed me the picture I cringed. I hated that woman. She looked terrible. She was too fat, too ugly, and too sad. I wanted to rip up the picture and throw it away. I wanted to deny that she ever existed, or at the very least that I was ever her. But then I looked harder. I thought about how much I am trying to love myself, and accept who I am flaws and all. And then I realized I loved her.

No, I didn’t love the…

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The link between anger, powerlessness and grief : connecting to our higher power

Today my attention turned towards something I came to understand as my recovery progressed and particularly as I read some very helpful chapters in the Al Anon book Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses that is of the complex connection between anger and grief. Anger may come when we feel something is taken from us or, we were prevented from some desire or happiness we valued, longed for or cherished. The loss may be due to something we missed out on in childhood, the grief may be over hurts done to us or by us to ourselves when we did not know better.. As adult children we can also feel angry and sad over the fact we never learned our needs were valuable and important, nor how to focus on them without feeling selfish.

These feelings may be huge and we need to find a place to go with them.. Some seek therapy, a kind friend or they journal (like me), we can also turn to prayer and meditation as well as the sense of a greater containing force to help us bear with and manage these feelings.

The following reading taken from p 147 of Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses is on how we can bring a spiritual connection with our higher power into our lives on a daily basis along with self care..

Prayer and meditation have gotten many of us through our toughest hours when we felt most powerless or afraid. We may choose to recite prayers or be more spontaneous in the form our ‘prayer’ takes. Taking a walk in nature, looking at a painting, reading a poem that draws us inward, feeding the birds in our back yard, or caring for the plants in our garden – there are many different ways that we can nurture our spirit.

The awareness of a power greater than ourselves has helped many of us feel less alone in our grief. One member discovered that her loneliness presented a very powerful opportunity to draw closer to her higher power. During our most intense moments of grief, our vulnerability can become the doorway through which we invite our higher power more fully into our lives.. Some prayers have words, some are silent . Perhaps the type of prayer or amount of time spent in meditation is not nearly so important as making the effort to connect with something larger than us.

‘At times the only prayer I could say was “God Help Me”‘

Maybe it will always be there, sadness triggered by watching a documentary on Amy Tan.

Sometimes tears just surprise me and its making me realize that joy and pain can and do co-exist.. As long as I am human and having a human experience I will be feeling, I will also have thoughts and memories and judgments and reactions and responses. The best I can do is to accept this humbling, messy and at times overwhelming human experience, that it is, so very often, far from perfect or ideal and that at times may have so much trauma shown into it.

I watched a very interesting Netflix documentary on the Asian writer Amy Tan last night, it went into her mother’s background and the struggles they had as a family after her father died at quite a young age.. At a very vulnerable time in her life following his death Amy was also abused by a priest who shamed and judged her and then tickled her under her clothes, the tickling led to sexual abuse which she carried around in silence and admitted she was very angry about..

After her father’s death her mother had a breakdown of sorts, she took the two children, Amy and her brother to Switzerland. In time Amy became a writer after being taken under the wing of an editor and the experiences in her family formed the basis for her first novel The Joy Luck Club. It turns out her mother’s erratic behavior triggered by her husband’s death hid a history of a much more troubled background, Amy and her brother found out she had been married before in China and abused herself by her husband and that they had several more siblings.. When her mother met Amy’s father he offered her a new life in America but the old one that has caused her mother so much trauma was there under the surface.. In time Amy started to listen to her mother, she asked about her past and this formed the basis for more of her writing..

I found myself crying a lot after watching the series, mostly as it bought to mind how much women suffer and then go on to try and live and give birth to children who may then struggle with the impact of their mother’s earliest experiences which shape them and may make their own lives confusing or painful Luckily Amy met her husband when she was in University and they remain together, he seems to have stayed by her side through all of her own trails in coming to terms with her mother’s complex past history of trauma.

I enjoyed very much many of the interviews with friends, actresses and other writers who supported or were inspired by Amy’s writing.. I am inspired myself to get a copy of her book The Bonesetter”s Daughter which is about the complex relationship of mother’s and daughters and to do with the painful issue of memory, loss, grief, past trauma and multi-generational legacies.

Sometimes we are made to feel that there is something wrong with crying or being sad.. but the truth is it the way empathy springs up and makes emotional truths that are buried more clear for us. This underlying river of feeling seems to flow through and most particularly from generation to generation but we do not always seem to be able to honor or understand it.

The truth is so many of our ancestors and parents knew great tragedy and loss, but in time they took steps to move forward and do all they could to give their children a brighter future, but still the wounds of the past dog them and us.

It was good to watch that series last night even with the tears.. I was also so interested to explore Amy’s astrology and see the grand cross in her chart in the Cardinal signs..What most struck me was Amy’s Uranus in Cancer (ruled by the Moon and mothers) in opposition to the planet of wounding and healing, Chiron in the sign of Capricorn. These two also square both Saturn and Neptune in Libra opposite Jupiter in Aries. The wounded aspect of the feminine (Cancer/Moon) as it was affected by that traditional patriarchy in China (Chiron/Capricorn/Saturn) with all of the resulting restrictions was not lost on me as it makes itself known in her writing..

Anyway I just felt moved to post about it.. Amy was born in 1952 and her writing about her own family memories (Uranus in Cancer) highlighted what the entire family endured as a result of past trauma. I also could not help but think about my sister (born two years later) who seems just so lost at the moment and to be carrying so much of my Mum’s own trauma..

The 50s were still a very repressive generation for the feminine and the wounds of the mothers did affect a lot.. I was also very moved to hear the author of the book Crazy Rich Asians Kevin Kwan share how Amy’s writing inspired him to share about his own Asian heritage.. It is so important that these stories are told so that people can read them and understand even more about the nature of the complex human experience as well as their own past.. For the past is always shaping the present in many ways and the more we can learn to understand it the less doomed we may be in repeating some of its most painful lessons.

Turning hatred and hurt into love : some reflections on abuse and wounding

Coming to terms with the hurt we carry is a process, as it the search to turn the feelings in a positive life affirming direction.. I wrote this a while ago but it still speaks to the journey of holding and healing the wounded self.

Emerging From The Dark Night

What is it that makes some people able to let go of very painful things that hurt them? What is the special ingredient that lets us ‘move on’ even as we realise the past can never be changed and it hurt like hell? What inside of us helps us to accept the complex paradox of human good and evil? Is it not a kind of love? And how to describe that sort of love that enables us to enlarge to encompass an acceptance even of what was deeply painful, toxic hurtful to us?

These are questions many in addiction recovery ask and try to answer, we look for our part in things, even if it was our existence which hurt someone somehow, not to see that we ’caused’ it, only to see that we were a contributing factor for awakening someone else’s ire or resentment.

My Mum never really made…

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Attachment wounding : what I have learned to date

Ideally as a child we seek safety, protection, holding and empathy in the minds and hearts of our caregivers, but what if they are just not capable of this? The Radio National show I shared about last week in my blog on emotionally immature or neglecting parents made it clear to me that when our parents or caregivers are incapable we develop a deep void of emotional loneliness inside of us. As a result our capacity to know about our needs is limited, our ability to trust can be shattered or non existent, and feelings of unsafety, anxiety or insecurity and lack of resources to deal with these feelings resulting may lead us to become reactive amongst other difficulties. In addition, not knowing about what happened to us and it falling all to an unconscious level where the trauma, injuries, absence, abuse or neglect just besieges us over and over with confusing and painful symptoms is so tough.. Some of us never get to make sense of it all, remaining confused for the rest of our lives, suffering the pain of avoidant or anxious attachment patterns and yet still needing to be intimate and connect (if our inner or outer critic defences do not act to sever all outer ‘linkages’ as Elain Aron calls them) and having those frustrated needs play out in all kinds of damaging ways.

The hole in the soul is something I used to hear about in nearly every single AA meeting, it was not until my marriage ended in 2004 and came across a book by Susan Anderson on abandonment by divine coincidence in a Sydney bookstore on a visit there that I began to understand where a lot of my own rage and internalised blame and negative inner voices came from. Reading this book still did not stop me from mopping up shit in the next relationship with an adult child of an abusive alcoholic where he consistently devalued me and made it seem I was the one to blame for everything. It did not lead me to take back my power either at that point.. Therapy would be necessary for that.

In 2011 my ex partner’s final parting shot was about how screwed up,flighty and insecure I was and how wonderful he had been to stay with me so long. True that I had insecure attachment but then so did he but it seemed easier for him to blame in on a succession of ‘failed’ or ‘psychotic’ partners he got to displace his own shadow upon and then criticize, shame, reject and devalue.

No wonder I was angry at the end of it but his words and anger and judgements sadly did lodge deep inside me and still turned me against myself.. For a long time I believed I was at fault and do not get me wrong I was not innocent and blameless either, I chose to keep going back to be treated this way, as now I see I honestly thought I did not deserve better. Being empathic of his own damaged childhood I had been willing to cut him some slack and keep trying harder, even losing touch with my own feelings at times, but in the end he was never really ever interested in facing that deep pain in therapy he just would rather have continued getting angry at the world and his children and past partners and blamed it all upon us instead. Coming out of it I was so sad but what I really needed to get was angry about it all in a healthy well directed way.

There is another book I was thankfully also given by another sober AA member when I was on the run overseas for one of my failed attempts at ‘getting away’ from family and the site of my own past trauma. It was called Of Course You’re Angry : A Guide to Dealing With the Emotions of Chemical Dependence. This book deals with the thoughts and interpretations we can make out of a sense of lovelessness or out of misunderstanding the motives and feelings of others fuelled by past wounds that may have been huge for us of not be nourished, cared for, help tenderly or protected, nor given the tools to fight as well as self assert in this world in a healthy way for our needs. This book offered me a lot more than being told by an older sober member that anger was bad. What is true is that in recovery we have to see where our anger and deepening resentments over past things fuel more painful feelings and unproductive reactions.. Anger is actually usually a sign with important information for us around our feelings, needs and boundaries but we can also not make others responsible for it, if we really want to recover emotionally.

It is interesting as at the moment I am watching the final season of Nashville in which the character Juliet, herself an adult child of an addicted mother with abandonment wounds is being helped by a self help teacher to hold her breath and count to ten when triggered in anger in order to bypass the tangled web of painful anger and hurtful thinking and get in touch with underlying feelings, (it is understood in Al Anon that anger can very often be an expression of childhood abandonment grief.) These feelings always exist somewhere deep inside of us, they are often a result of what Complex PTSD therapist Pete Walker calls the abandonment melange. When we react out of these we are not in the rational grounded present at all but being pulled back into old stuff. To devalue that ‘stuff’ as ‘bad’ ‘wrong’ or meaningless misses the point, it truly is our compost from which we can grow new seeds of a healthier self.

Writing this calls to mind why that conversation I had the other day with someone who was displacing a lot of his own anger and resentment all over the place triggered me so much in my body coming out of contact.. it was hard to stay impartial during that call.. and who knows what of my own pain was triggered. Before the conversation went down his negative pathway I had felt peaceful and okay, coming out of it my body was pulled all over the place for over 40 minutes, I did not manage to get my dishes done until 9.30 pm

The truth is, if we have significant attachment wounding that still lives inside of us, it is not something we ever do not have only a wound or wounding we can learn to understand and find ways to deal with (or not.) and heal over time. Some of us own it, (overly) allowing it to fuel not only a negative self concept (the undervalued self) but hostile or difficult thinking patterns projected inwards by the inner critic that shames and devalues us. Others of us will not own that it is our wound and then tend to project it and see it out there (and I have a feeling this may lead to conspiracy theories) where it then becomes a virulent outer critic they turn upon others whenever a resonance with a core wound is triggered.

When we are reacting from that place (of the abandonment melange) all clarity and objectivity goes out the window and our judgments can run askew and then fuel more painful feelings that we may start to identify with or project onto others.. something therapist Sheri Van Dyken deals with in her excellent little book Calming the Emotional Storm.

The primary work in recovery then becomes the naming and owning of my particular attachment or abandonment wounds and then the complex and tangled work of disconnecting our core self from over identification with the wounded self, as well as gaining insight into the the ongoing acting out of what Freud called the repetition compulsion in relationships.

This processing takes time, wisdom, attunement, the playing out of and repetition of the patterns and cycles involved with it over and over until, over time we ascend on a spiral and come to gain increased clarity, understanding, objective distance and insight into the cycle. . It involves no longer identifying our true selves as a victim (in the present time) and continuing to form trauma bonds with others as the ‘perpetrator’ or ones to be blamed for causing our suffering now.

Even if in the past real wounding did in truth lead to the fact of these painful wounds taking up deep residence inside of my consciousness we can still, with enough inner work learn how we continue to become caught up in that painful old cycle that goes ceaselessly round and round in negative and toxic re-traumatizing feedback loops…and then let go of repeating the pattern.

“For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves”

Step 4: Truth – Make a Fearless Moral Written Inventory

A very insightful post by someone doing the hard work of recovery.

Press Forward

I can’t tell you how long I’ve been working on step 4. I’ve done one complete cycle of the Addiction Recovery Program (ARP) through the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints since first learning about it over 12 years ago. I’ve restarted the Program several times, but tend to get stuck on step 4.

SELF-ABUSE

This is the longest period of time I’ve experienced a form of sobriety from all things in 20 years, including self-abusive patterns. When I emotionally self-abuse, I easily choose to slide back to the way that leads me to temporal/physical self-abusive patterns.I neglect my needs whether temporal, spiritual, or emotional. I used to physically harm my body, especially during the ages of 15-17. Now, when I self-abuse, it’s in a verbal/emotional form.

I look in the mirror and listen to the thoughts picking apart my body, my looks, and who I am as a…

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