The final cut

You ask me to wait

You offer me promises

But I know this

I am no longer the little child who needed her mother or father

So desperately she was haunted long years by that absence

And with the remanants of that lack

Trapped deep inside I will never be truly free

And old patterns will just repeat

So its time to open the door and move forward

I cannot forever hover here

On the brink

Waiting

(Even though not fully aware of it)

For rescue

There is just too much life to live

And after all death has kept me prisoner for so long

And I sense Spring

Even though it is winter

Spring was stolen from me at 17

And now at 56 I say there must come a time

For lost seasons to reappear

In my mind I see Saturn with his scythe saying to me

With a glint in his eye

There comes a time in every life to make the cut

And there will be blood

But blood is life for

For what does not live

Cannot bleed

And so I raise my arm

And bring down the knife

The risk of life

I’ve never felt as vulnerable as I feel today

Like a tender infant without skin

Like a seed cracked open from the casing

That kept its energy in

You have shown me deeper places within

That are terrified to open and let go

That stopped believing in the truth of love

A long time ago

And you also showed me that

The world is there for the asking

If I just trust

But after such pain Its been a herculean effort to see

The part I played

In allowing old wounds and defences

To keep me locked in pain

There is a saying that we either live in love or fear

And each time fear comes calling

We must only answer with love

And that so often requires living without our shields

That only seem to keep us safe

Perhaps a new world is opening to us

And revealing this deeper truth

That pain is the gateway that opens us

To embrace another way

And that the willingness to be pierced

And open our hearts again

Is the risk of new opportunities

New growth

New connections

New life

Made whole again

Torn

Torn fragments of my heart

Lodge deep inside my chest

Pieces of psychic schrapnel

Making it hard to breathe

How can it be that such hope and happiness

Quickly change to despair

As you ask even more of me than before?

I am sick to death of riding this rollercoaster

And most of all I want to rage at God

Who seems to hand me a blessing with one hand

While putting up another one to snatch it away

Just to thumb his nose and say

Ha ha I tricked you

You can’t have that

Is this only my fear

As you say

Keeping all of these blessings away

All I know is that today

My heart broke all over again

As I just felt my being hit the wall

Screaming ENOUGH ENOUGH ENOUGH

Why oh why is my life so often

Such a hard and painful task master?

Despite the closed fist

It is so sad in this world

That we are not allowed to be who we want to be

That so many are repressed in their true expression

Or have their souls met with anger and control

This creates a world in with the most authentic of us weep

We weep for all the ways

We were blocked from expressing what was most true for our souls

We feel sad that when we needed a genuine and loving hand to hold

Instead we met a closed fist

And we bury the sorrow we really feel

When instead we are fed philosophy

Before we could find the validation so essential to recovery

And yes so many of us had to go forward alone

Over a rocky landscape where so little was given or truly known

  We may have collapsed under the great burden of lack

And ground our souls to ashes in the dust

But in time what other choice did we have

Except to summon up the strength to stand up again

To pick up the pieces of our life and make the choice to go forward

Despite the lack

Despite the judgement

Despite the coldness

Despite the closed fist

Tethered

Reel me into your drama

Its an age old story

Of the one left with no role

But to be the saviour

In order to have a purpose and be seen

When was it that you decided to make of your soul

A willing sacrifice

Standing behind the door

Waiting for a crust of bread

In a world that had no proper food for you

So why exactly was it

That you allowed

A part of yourself to be tethered here

The price was always the one

You CHOSE to pay

So don’t say

Anymore you are a just a victim of circumstance

When the bleeding of your soul

Should have made you know by now

That the price was far too high to pay

Cut the cords my beauty

Fly free

Embrace you power

And have the courage to be the soul

You were born to be

Your true home

Be still

Here in the silence

Away from the noise of all of those voices

Don’t you know I am here

Just waiting for you

To return peace?

Reactive body does its dance

As you feel pulled about by this or that

External claim

But don’t you know

No one owns your sacred space

Don’t get too busy to refind and delve into it

Don’t run so far away

That you forget your true home

In safe keeping

Green light

You are the beacon

That makes my heart skip a beat

As I feel the lap of waters of love

Come calling to me

Dusk brings the hope of word from you so far away

Words of love

That fill the empty space of fear

That grew to a chasm in me

When I opened up all of my pain and vulnerability to you

Never once have you answered in anger

Only ever in love

Never once have you shamed me

As so many others have

So now

No matter how long it takes

I will wait for you

I want to give you my heart

I ams so tired of protecting myself against phantoms

Of past ghosts long gone

And I want to open my soul

To the flood of love you bring to me

You call me angel

As you know God sent me to you

And you to me

Because he knew that

Between both of us

Our hearts would be finally be

In safe keeping

The child in you, you left behind?

When a new reader discovers an older post I love the opportunity to revisit it. So thanks today I am sharing this one again. Did you connect with your inner child today?

Emerging From The Dark Night

I love the idea and feeling of having a connection with the inner child in me.  Certain therapists and writers focus a lot of their recovery on the ‘inner child of the past’.  There are the archetypes of the wounded child, the divine child, the soulful child and the magical child.  Our inner child holds in our body and cells the unconscious memory of all that happened to us in our early years.

Childhood represents a time we were open to everything.  Many of us were connected to the world in a deep or magical way, we may have sensed the presence of spirits, we may have observed things and situations with a state of awe and questioning which was open and then we may have been many times been met with the shut down world of adults, telling us we didn’t see something, or must hug the uncle we…

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Longing

The vice around my heart

Grips me so ferociously at this time of day

When you are so far away

Gone from me

I can never know what is taking place within the silence

All I feel is this longing

Impossible to name

My heart is a well that is deep

But feels empty

As aching echoes through long corridors of time

And I thirst here all alone

Parched

For want of the water of love

There are no tears

But fear is also making me doubt

Can I let this emptiness be

Without filling it with thoughts

Can I just let go

And embrace all of these feelings

So haunting within this silence

As night calls me

Away from daylight

Towards the deep