States of mind

States of mind will come

And some will then leave you behind

There is a flood of energy that comes

With the feeling

That you cannot ever be rescued

From what you feel

And so you must surrender

Even when the world turns black

For a while

With no way to see the path forward

Back to light

And yet after one or two hundred nights

Who knows if a fleeting happiness may not come again

There is a path that wends its way forward

And the best we can do is accept to travel it

Come what may

Even when it is impossible

To see around the bend

Keep moving forward

Accept the delays

Know that things do change

And that with time

States of mind

Will come and go

Sometimes elevating us

Sometimes leaving us

Abandoned within the flow

Of life’s ongoing energy

Watery

Lots of grief and oceanic feeling are often a sign the watery energy in the Cosmos is strong and that is certainly true today. I just checked the emphemeris and the Solar ingress (movement) into Pisces occurred a short while again and the Mercury Neptune conjunction will be exact to the minute soon. That explains why I have been struggling to breathe and crying a lot today. When the Sun Pisces conjuncts my natal Chiron in the seventh house its close to the anniversary of my older sister’s aneurysm and today her daughter in law texted me to say her son had been taken from holiday camp after arm wrestling with a pain at the base of his neck. At 4 am this morning I was awake feeling like I was having an aneurysm myself. I didn’t share about it earlier. I was bit anxious about the birthday lunch with my sister today and as I shared over the past few posts I cried a lot today and yesterday.

Its just a heads up to others if you are feeling emotionally overwhelmed or inundated at present its natural. Pisces rules the collective unconscious and that place where our energies blend together. It rules drugs as well and mysterious symptoms. I am going to find out the Sabian symbol of the Mercury Neptune conjunction and post it here later. Sometimes Rudhyar’s sabian symbols and degrees speak to me. If you are feeling watery too or nebulous or weird it probably only to be expected. Take it easy and don’t tax yourself too much, if you can. Allow some time to float and just ‘be’ with the energy climate. Do some grounding on earth if you start to feel too spacy as movement and grounding may antidote the watery energy a little. ❤

A sadness that never ends

A sadness that never ends

Seems to extend as deep as an ocean

Beneath, all around and in front of me

And at times this wall of water

Is like a dead weight upon my chest

I am trying to push through

My body is a sea of fire that is burning

With the bodies of those who went before

Who never got free

Threatening to drown me

I look to the world and wonder how

It came to this

Who stole all the joy away

And left just this ocean

Extending so far into the distance

Erasing even the horizon

And as I watch the sun set

And darkness comes

I know that night may only last so long

Even if when it is dark

It seems as though

All the light has been

Totally stolen away

Endlessly

The grief below

I wrote yet another poem on feeling breathless today and when it posted it linked to at least four other posts or poems I have written on this in the past few years. It got me to thinking that when I start to feel breathless its about underground emotions being stirred up. Lately it doesn’t take much to trigger a full crying response to something. Yesterday it was the vulnerability I felt looking for a gift for my sister around the shopping area my Mum used to skip as an only child all alone after her father died. Today it happened after we arrived at the restaurant where I had specifically asked for a certain table a week ago and they gave us a table else where. I felt winded and then I was crying saying “no one sees me or hears me” and I could not stop crying. Earlier I was sad not to be included in a birthday dinner for my sister put on by her son. It just made me realise now I am aging and don’t have kids no one is going to be there, but that is not strictly true as my others sister’s sons would love to be there for me but they live a long way away. Anyway the grief just flooded out of me at that point as I realised I was powerless over whether or not they included me. Yes, it makes me sad…. maybe it is for the best?

Anyway these tears just started to fall down and my sister and our old family friend did not say much. I was fearful of being criticised but I wasn’t. I just kept crying as she showed me the photo of her and her son with the three beautiful children. I didn’t reel resentment, only sadness. Deep deep sadness.

I am back home now. I ate some food that I don’t usually eat with a lot of pasta and cheese. I usually steer clear of these foods since my breast cancer. I am sure it wont do me any harm to eat them just once in a while. My sister was on some level still blank emotionally as she sat drinking one glass of wine. I am glad I can just let the love I have for her be there. I am powerless over so much. I honoured my feelings. I didn’t say anything much. It is what it is. But I do associate feelings of being breathless with the upsurge of emotions and who knows if it is just personal or collective? It is something I will discuss with my therapist when I see her on Thursday.

the joy of expression

There is a freedom that comes when we feel allowed to express ourselves fully, and I have been thinking a lot about this lately in the context of feelings of anger or feeling put upon. What if we were taught we just needto ‘suck it up’, not be selfish.. not want or feel what we want or feel?

I struggled a lot in my life with anger and self assertion/expression, maybe I learned in many ways I did not have a right to exist. At times I can transfer this onto others, when they may be angry and scare me with it, I tell them to let it go or be softer. I have a backed up post to post on this issue from yesterday I haven’t published yet. It is how we go about expressing our anger which is the problem not so much the anger per se. If we are angry and feel and know that is a sign from ourselves about something important it then we have to take it seriously.

We don’t have to wantonly act it out on others by screaming and yelling or blowing (which is what I would do after having held it all in for so long and not being permitted to have it in my family or fearing it due to the way my Mum acted out in fury and rages at times). Louise Hay suggests we need to find a way to express it either through taking ourselves off and getting it out of our system… hitting some pillows with a bat, or running and exercising before we can address it with the person or person’s involved in an appropriate way. This is something I never learned to do and so in my case anger went inward and I became very accident prone from a young age. At 17 I nearly lost my life in my first car smash. This trauma repeated at the age of 42 when I left my marriage and smashed up again over seas trying to start a new life.

I do believe that those of us who end up as addicts or bi polar may struggle to have our anger and it comes out sideways or else we repress it and learn to swallow it down. Then as Louise Hay says our anger gets dumped in our tissues and system, in our joints or organs and causes disease. I know this is why I got my cancer back in 2016 in the years prior I feel I was acted on by the stronger will of others and buckled under. I could not express or know what I truly wanted or needed from myself and others I did not feel that I had a right to express it either.

This came to light when I read the paragraph from Louise Hay to my therapist that I posted the other day which said we know what to do to take care of our inner child, well some of us DO NOT!!! In our homes our inner child was squashed. We may have had to grow up super fast and bury that childlike part of us that needed and wanted and ached and danced and desired. Now liberation can only come if we are allowed to be that, who we really are, but for some of us so many forces can conspire against it. We need that permission. Will we give it to ourselves? Will I? The permission to express what we need to, feel what we need to, be who we need to?

Sometimes I fear I don’t have permission to be me. I know I have buried so much sadness over this. I find myself crying deeply when things trigger me that are about past injuries of not being seen or heard or free to express. I pray in time I start to find the strength… My disempowerment seems to be being projected lately onto several men around me. Its bothering to me. I see what is happening but at this stage I have not felt powerful enough to change a very old pattern that possibly started generations ago.

Leaving me breathless

Sometimes your wants of me

Leave me breathless

I feel as though all the life and air

Is being stolen from me

As I struggle to breathe

And long for escape

While another part of me watches

From the sidelines

And wonders why

At times I find human relationships so hard

Is it just the wanting you transfer onto me?

I find after we speak of your predicament

I cannot stop the tears from falling

I feel just so utterly at sea

Is this the way you feel?

Or is this just the pattern I know

The only one I have ever known

Am I only cut out to live alone

If your love and need

Always leaves me

This sad

This breathless?

The Soul’s Sweet Surrender

A poem I wrote a while back. How would it be to just surrender to our feelings and let them flow, not holding on to any grievance like children can do?

Emerging From The Dark Night

How would it be

If we could enter our innocent heart

And feel the power

Of deep true feelings

Blossoming forth

Like flowers

And set them free

Without care or concern

For the opinions and responses of others

Freed from old imprints of

Shame

Disapproval

Disregard

How sweet that would be

I remember

That funeral

When old unfelt grief poured forth

And I cried like a child

The look of contempt

My sister gave

I was reaching out with the arms of love

To his grieving grandchildren

Who returned my embrace

And we melted in

They didn’t stiffen and pull away

And I remember too

The tender hugs

Of the other dancers

As we fell spent to the floor

After we dancedthe element water

On the evening of that painfulday

When you came to me in the garden

By the Chalice Well

Andtold methat you

Who I had loved for…

View original post 94 more words

Searching in the dark

A powerful post on grief and loss.

A Dad trying to cope with the loss of his Partner and becoming a single parent.

Just after my partner died I remember reading a book which suggested that grief was like a black hole. All consuming yet over time it’s energy shrinks and eventually it disappears allowing new life to replace it. I’m still waiting….

Everybody is different. Everybody deals with grief differently. This approach worked for the author but not for me.

Maybe another way to look at it could be that life exists outside the black hole. The black hole is always there. Somedays it’s powerful and sucks so much life force out of your universe. Other days not so strong. But the key thing is that although it never disappears a new life exists outside it – it’s your choice, your journey that determines how far you move from it. – that’s a bit of my inner Carl Sagan coming out in me.

My current take is a little different. It’s a…

View original post 178 more words

Affirmations and grief : exposing my secret shame

I found myself really crying a lot sharing some affirmations about feeling safe to be and safe in my body in therapy today. I also just read a meditation in Louise Hay’s book Trust Life on honouring our bodily desires and sexuality a moment ago and started crying when I read that too. I feel like a big wound of lovelessness and deep pain is gaping open inside of me today.

I think of how my Catholic education scarred my sexuality. My first boyfriend was few years older. He had left school and I met him in 1978 when I was 16. After a while when the issue of sex came up I just felt shyness, shame and some revulsion. I felt bad and wrong for desiring and tormented by it (if I am really being honest.) And it is interesting that later in early adulthood indulging in my alcoholism meant I could pretend this fear and shame was not there. When I drank or drugged I could just blot out the painful feelings and feelings that I was shameful for just being human. Its also interesting that I had my accident and smashed up a few months after trying to confront this repression and not being able to move through it.

For some reason this is coming up today. I feel really sad I could not bring a pregnancy to term but had to cut them off six times. I thought today that its no wonder my nephew doesn’t want to invite me to dinner for his mother, why would he want a damaged person like me anywhere near his kids. These are some of the dark thoughts I have. I know they are not loving but in the interest of ruthless honesty I am sharing them here. There is a saying that we are only as sick as our secrets. This secret shame of my sexuality and body is something I want to be free of. With Uranus now in Venus ruled Taurus which rules the body maybe it is coming up for healing as it squares my Mars Saturn Moon.

(Post script. My decision not to have children I thought was for their protection but who knows. Its something I need to forgive myself for (although I thought I already had.) Maybe it will always make me a little sad. At times I am reconciled to it but this week with the exclusion from yet another family event it has come up again… thus my need to share about it here.)

Lost in you

Lost in you

Do I really care at all

Or am I selfishly just trying

To find myself and be seen?

And how much of this feeling

Is actually

About things long past

How much is the ache in our soul

Due to the fact

We were never truly seen?

When you ask things of me

Is it really me that you are wanting

Or something for yourself

When it comes down to it

Are we alone in all of this

Or together?