My brother has control of my trust fund, it is something that is very triggering for me and led me to really firmly state how much it is affecting me the other day, since he was putting some pressure on me to upgrade my little car saying it was unsafe.. The thing is, that so often when he thinks will be good for me isn’t always what I want but then due to my own inner confuion at times I am not sure if I am being too fixed or bloody minded about following my own way.. Lately when I do it seems to alienate me.
After I sent him an email trying to express distress I shared with a distant family member who knows the situation well and she immediately told me it was a mistake, the way I expressed myself speaking about emotions, she felt was sure to confound him and put him offside, she told me the way I phrased it was not showing empathy for him and the fact he was trying to help. It was a bit hard to hear at the time to be honest but then all of this longing poured out of me.. I realise I just long to be close to him but I do not know if his own defenses make that possible and now it may seem the email alienated him as he did not respond.. And who knows if I will be able to go through with the car. I did cry a lot with my friend about all of this.. I hate getting so angry at the control of money Mum left to me.. I just fawn to keep the peace or is this just a case of admitting I have been defeated and must surrender as to protest or fight about it all seems too hard to do?
Life can be so frustrating at times. I am trying to study up on what happens to kids who are frustrated by not being attuned too or able to develop skills and abilities fully due to lack of understanding and nurture.. I have started a post on this and it will follow in a day or so .. because tonight I am just exhausted by all of the emotions flowing around about this car issue.. It all came to a head yesterday as Mars in Aries faced off with Pluto in Capricorn and Mars is shifting tonight from fire to earth.. So hopefully things will ground and calm from now on in. With Mars passing though Taurus patience and tolerance are going to be important issues. And Mars will meet with both the North Node of spiritual opportunity as wells as Uranus in Taurus early in August. Maybe its time to seek a slower more patient approach to things instead of getting myself all fired up with emotions.
Lately it feels
I may as well be yelling into a void
The me you see is not me
It is just your projection
So you tie me up in knots
Thinking you will either
Protect or free me
Superiority is sickening
Those who adopt that defensive pose
Just are in flight from the hidden depths
Of their own shadow
All they see around are demons
Since they clearly cannot face their own
And yet even as it feels a blessing to feel for
The weak that suffer
At times there is a need to know
How tough and cruel and absolute
Are the natural ways of this world
Human minds just tend to naturally
Split and divide
Never clarify the complex
And when this happens
Life becomes so precarious
As we tetter on the edge
Of that agonizing precipice
And sadly the cause and cure to our pain
Is often sought without
By those invested in blaming
The problem upon
My perfectionism arose as an attempt to gain safety and support in my dangerous family.
Perfectionism is a self persecutory myth. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved.
I am letting go of relationships that demand perfection
. I have a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake or mishap is an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have never been loved.
This just shows how ignorant some so called ‘proessionals’ can be.. People with BPD are often rejected by therapists who do not have any understanding at all of high level sensitivity, let alone the intricate complexity of what would be better labeled Complex PTSD.
This article from a doctor is absolutely appalling. “They make most therapists hate them.” Does he realize that numerous people with borderline personality disorder are going to read this? Does he think that his anectodal knowledge of therapists and other support personnel represents all therapists? I have always had good relationships with therapists. You are adding to the stigma of a very stigmatized mental health condition. We don’t need to know how therapists feel about us. As much as we don’t need to know how doctors like you feel about us. It is unprofessional, uncalled for and you should be ashamed of yourself.
When we were young
We sought the soft
But often kind and loving available faces
Were turned away
So often we were told
Stop your crying
It didn’t hurt that much
You are just being
A bloody drama queen
But deep inside our body
We knew what hurt
And what went against the true needs, values and feelings of
Our deepest self
There are some things
We do not need to ‘just get over’
There are some wounds that run so deep
They will always leave permanent scars
The point being
How tenderly did we treat ourselves
In the midst of injury
And how often were we asked to deny the truth
And in so doing
Forced into abandoning ourselves?
Do not be led astray by those who have
Not one decent shred of
Care or feeling
Do your necessary grief work
And deep healing
Really when it comes down to it
You need nobody’s permission
To feel the pain that you do
Not dealing with the pain of our past sets us up for a great deal of loneliness. I am seeing this more and more lately as both the grief I suppressed as well as the anger at my own self blame and shame (turned back upon myself due to parental unavailability and unsafety) and feelings of fear that stopped me reaching out is becoming available to me. There is a lot to grieve when we recognize finally that we may have been standing in our own way for many many years and even justifying our isolation based on old pain and hurt we buried. Many of the feelings some of us deal with may be buried deep inside the limbic system and not available to our conscious mind.
The following piece of writing again comes from Pete Walker’s book Complex PTSD it is about the outer critic that we use to defend against closeness now, something the voice dialogue therapist Robert Firestone has also dealt with a great deal in his own work in books like Fear of Intimacy.
As a baby thrives on love, so does the outer critic thrive on anger. Like a parasite, the outer critic gorges on repressed anger, and then erroneously assigns it to present day disappointments
The most common transferrational dynamic that I witness occurs when left over hurt about a parent gets displaced onto someone we perceive as hurting us in the present. When this occurs, we respond to them with magnified anger or anguish that is out of proportion to what they did.
Transference can also grossly distort our perceptions, and sometimes we can misperceive a harmless person as being hurtful. Transference can fire up the critic to imagine slights that do not actually occur. Transference typically runs wild when the outer critic is on the rampage.
Just as the inner critic transmutes unreleased anger into self hate, the outer critic uses it to control and/or push others away. Unexpressed and unworked through anger about childhood hurt is a hidden reserve that the critic can always tap into. The anger work of grieving the losses of childhood is so essential because it breaks the critic’s supply to this anger.
Grieving our old unexpressed pain about our poor parenting gradually deconstructs the process of transferring it unfairly onto others. This is crucial because love and intimacy are murdered when the critic habitually projects old anger out at an intimate.
(it is to be noted that often the outer critic’s judgements and angry feelings have value and it’s perspective is healthy since we actually are attracting abuse.. in this case Walker states we need to self protect and also to do the grief work about what such treatment brings up for us about how we were treated as kids.)
You had such painful lives, you endured so much and deep in my cells I know the pain of it.. William you lost 6 children by the age of 81 when you died. I believe I lived a lot of that through the 6 terminations I had. Now that the subject of abortion has become such a thorny one in America, I do think it is sad that the so called ‘right to lifers’ take such a shallow view about it.. The angels told angel intuitive Lorna Byrne that a soul that becomes aborted knows it will endure that fate and accepts it, they forgive the mother and even stay close by to give healing.. I cannot tell you how much this helped me because when I finally got sober in December 1993 I was suffering so much guilt over those five aborted babies, and then in May 1994 when I discovered I was pregnant again I decided I lacked the skills to bring that child to term which does sadden me now and I know it hurt my husband deeply. When he left me after 11 years of marriage the fact that I had not borne him a child was, I believe, a big part of that.. I am so glad that he got to have his daugher Lottie and that he has been able to share photos of her with me.. I feel sad I was not able to take on a mothering role and rejected it, but I just did not feel prepared..
At this time of year when my house is so cold and I struggle to keep warm bundling myself up in blankets I also think a lot about that letter Samuel, (your son William,) sent to his son Thomas in New Zealand in the final years of his life.. He spoke of how hard life was, how tough and bleak the winters and also about how sad he was he would not see you again. When Jonathan and I lived overseas the pain of leaving Mum and Judy behind was just too great but in another part of my life I wanted nothing to do with the bound up toxic condition I felt my older sister to be in in the home where they medicated her and often denied her her needs.. I do feel so grateful she had the loving support in those final years from the ladies from the nearby Anglican Church who took her on as a project and person to help. They organized a lovely funeral for her on the 18th of April 2014 and Mum and I kept in touch with them for a year or so after Judy passed.
Mum, I felt you around me so much last night, I have a bottle of the perfume you loved to wear : Allure by Chanel. I sprayed it and as I was falling to sleep I sensed its sweet fragrance rise and fall in waves.. I did a double take then over how it used to annoy me having to do car trips with you and my other sister Sue when you were both wearing strong perfume, it used to make me feel nauseated..Your heavy black Prada sunglasses used to annoy the hell out of me too, they spoke of a spiritual opacity and defendedness that used to annoy me like when you judged that sweet old lady so like a gypsy selling her home grown flowers outside the cafe we took my other sister Sue to on the way home from her first cancer operation in October 2016..
Yet now I just feel love and a deep sadness about this, the things that annoyed me did so for a reason but spending time with your best friend Betty yesterday reminded me of the good things in you and of how much your own defendedness was often just down to having had no loving parents to contain you, nor mirror back your feelings. And when you lost your Dad at the age of 7 how could you grieve? That was just not possible for a child, the Nuns treated you with next to no empathy and made you clean the chapel as punishment for not doing your homework. No wonder you used to get into such a frenzy cleaning things and trying to perfect our ‘flaws’. Nana used you hit you if you did not do the best job cleaning and yet you always said “I forgave her, as I knew it was just frustration.” Still it hurt you so much. I was so sad for you when you told me a few years before you passed on that Nana never once told you she loved you or cuddled you..
Mum I remember well that lovely little book you gave to me before you died, a small book of kindness quotes.. You could be so controlling at times, but ever so generous and kind too.. I love you Mum, you hurt me but only because you had been hurt too ❤
Eliza Jane (my great grandmother), even though I think you died before I was born I still feel you. I hear the New Zealand Maori Haka tribal call to battle chant and dance sound out in my head at times, ‘a tough old bird’ according to my brother you danced it when you used to visit and always waited until you thought the family were out of view to take a sip from the silver flask of whiskey you kept with you at all times. I would have loved to have met you. THANK YOU FOR PASSING ON TO ME YOUR STRONG FIGHTING SPIRIT. You were the daughter of a violent alcoholic Dad who had so much unprocessed grief and frustration and so many children to support.
Big sigh!!! We had the New Cancer Moon yesterday at about 1.37 pm Eastern Standard time in Australia, the Moon will oppose Pluto soon. I have really been feeling so many layers of our family story over the past 24 hours.. I woke in a very different place about 3 am last night. I am keeping the door open on the men in my life asking for help while trying to set boundaries. I also asked Betty more about the stress of that borrowed money/financial scheme Dad got involved in in the early 80s that went belly up and apparently in causing him so much stress along with his daughter’s traumas that he became so ill with cancer. Apparently it was called ‘the bottom of the harbor scheme’ (how Neptunian). I will research that today.
Ancestors I just wanted to say I will light a candle to you all for the next 22 days of the Sun’s transit through Cancer.. I know your love surrounds me.. I firmly know myself to be flesh of your flesh and cells of your cells.. For you gave birth to me and without you as my eternal strong taproot I would not have been able to come into being or even exist.
You needed me
But I left you alone for far too long
As long ago I had to turn away from the part of me
That was in need
Of so many things they could not give
In the end
You left me too
Making me face the utter depths
Of a seemingly unfathomable emptiness
It was a rich place
That Underground world I found
Painful as it was
Haunted by so very many
Sending up vapors and echoes
And only those brave enough to face
Know how full it is
And how much redemption lies
Within its icy
There at the base
I found a grieving widow
Dark as night
Who lost her child
The psyche never lies
In its images
And so it was I wept
But then the tears revealed a life
I lost the way to
The forgotten refrain of a song
Only its bittersweet melody
Could bring me life
And so it is now
I know these things to be sacred
To long and ache
And finally to find a way
All of those lost children
Whose ghosts came seeking me
In the land so very far away
All of those
Many years ago
Sometimes I think I write posts I badly need to read in my future. this one is spot on for me today.
Finding the unconditional love for ourselves inside that we missed as children is perhaps our greatest adult recovery task. The pain of not being met or loved unconditionally or in an open receptive way can haunt many of us well into adulthood. The yearning for this love and deep disappointment over its absence may or may not be fully conscious. It may be triggered by what brings up the hurt we felt when we were not loved in this way. Re reading the Chapter I Forgive Myself in Michael Brown’s book The Presence Process this morning is reminding me of this as I read back some of my blogs from yesterday as well as comments left.
I think of my Dad’s generation and what they went through. Dad’s solution to the poverty and loss of his childhood was to get as far away from his family and war torn country…
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