A deep grief seems to be opening up and flowing out of me today. After a week off therapy last week, I went back this morning. I felt better for honouring my need for a break which was due to the fact I needed time to focus on current life, but then, silently I understood I was fearing Kat’s judgement of the way I’ve been over extending myself to keep helping both Jackson and and Scott to the point I dropped and broke my phone on Friday after a stressful outing to the bank. That was an unfounded fear after talking it all through with me but it did show me how frightened I often feel in life, I am also becoming aware that fear is not always the truth of things, I may, at times feel a sense of threat when I am not in any danger, just going beyond a known boundary.
That said, as I look back I see the passing week had some really positive highlights. I enjoyed a trip to another side of town last Wednesday and had found indulging my bower bird impulses at the local charity shop led to heaps of joy, a sense of being alive and some nurturing interpersonal connections.. While there I had some lovely chats with a couple of the older ladies volunteering there and made some valued purchases, two novels the first of which by Melbourne author Lily Brett focus’s on lead character Ruth’s sometimes hilarious (and often deeply frustrating) relationship with her elderly Jewish father recently moved to New York, I am really really enjoying this an its very funny in parts.
I also found a lovely grey and black top with an autumn leaf design, as well as a short red knitted bolaro type cardigan, a colorful button necklace, as green fan embossed with gold, as well as a great second hand handbag. I’d been on the look out for one in the shops to buy new, as my old one is deteriorating but I felt much better buying a second hand one and probably ended up saving over 150 dollars.
I connected deeply too with a blogger buddy later that day, with high level trauma and we had some powerful chats about how archetypal forces of the psyche can step in to assist when the human world abandons us. The abuse he suffered in psychiatric care as a youngster breaks my heart as well as the knowing no one believed him about the abuse.. So so painfully sad. His father turned a blind eye and my friend feels abandoned by God due to it, but I did try to share with him my idea that a complex God may allow really painful things to happen to us coming out of the collective emotionally repressed dark ages as we are in order that we can grow and evolve in consciousness as well as in the understanding, demonstration of and birthing of deeper levels of insight, healing, wisdom and compassion.. This ties in with some themes Richard Grannon mentions in yet another video I have shared below..
On Saturday I also booked a lovely in home massage with Glenda whose warm and healing hands give the best relaxation and relief. It felt just so so good to pamper myself this way, it eased the pain over the broken phone too that cost 379 dollars to repair but now looks as good as new. I love my chats with Glenda as we spoke about how much people are suffering from a deficit of connection post Covid.. Something that Richard Grannon draws attention to at the 36.10 seconds of this recent video of his I watched last night.
The outpouring of grief has slowed down and passed now after sitting down to share all of this.. I missed my writing lately. It was an emotional homecoming to Jasper 40 minutes ago, too. The poor littley guy got in trouble for a silly thing yesterday all tied up witymy OCD issues so I had a fair bit of apologising to do with him today I recognised the frustration I feel due to denied support and needs is often worn by Jasper.. There was a comment in another video I listened to on the weekend that tied frustration up with aggression.. When I feel powerless or frustrated I am often liable to take it out on poor old Jasper and its a lot like my Nana was with Mum and often Mum was with us’ living on a very short fuse underneath lay alot of grief about the emotional abandonment by both her father and mother.
The deep mother wound born by many of us is addressed in another lecture I will share in a later blog given by both Sam Vaknin and Richard Grannon in Bucharest on narcissism. As a culture we do not really know how to be compassionate, nurturing, forgiving or soft with others, we often seek others to confirm our own ego views which may be limited considerably by past wounding and conditioning and we can become agro and agressive when thwarted or alternatively go into freeze fawn or shut down. Some of us run or seek flight as a way to manage the emotional flashbacks or trauma cascades.
As I was writing this a full on emotional flashback came on, it was a kind of a panic that I felt around the time my mother would be leaving school, knowing she was coming home to an empty house with no mother, father or siblings.. Often at this time she would take herself off to the shops for a run around, perhaps going to the pharmacy to have her ears syringed, in any case the time of 3 to 6 was a very challenging one in her life and I often feel that, just a moment I got very thirsty and then felt a panic and a compulsive need to clean the kitchen and sort out left over breakfast dishes coming on. I had another one of those near psychotic attacks on the weekend around lots of tidbits not finished off in the fridge along with spoiled left overs needing to be thrown out. The IC was screaming at me and giving me a hammering and I tend to castiage myself over all of this. lo and behold, before I know it a huge OCD flashback wave has hit.. I just cleaned out the under the sink cupboard and had a piece of fruit as the weather is hotting up here now we are getting towards the final few days of the first month of spring the flashback has passed and I have breathed through it and blown some rasberries which is recommended by Richard in his booklet on handling emotinal flashbacks.. This beats me sucking in my breath as I so often do when such attacks hit me full force at different and critical parts of the day..
A lot of past trauma seemed to wake me about 5 am this morning too.. I had vivid memories of feeling alone and unseen and then having my boundaries over run by my father overwhelming me with tickling abuse which he would not stop then the painful memory of the doctor being called when I had an emotional abandonment tummy ache and him inserting an enema up my bum that made me feel so sick and twisted around inside. All of this was rising up at dawn as the Sun was trying to make an apperaache. appeared to me to be my body unconscious today making things felt and known to me that needed to be discussed in therapy and the anger and sense of violation released which may have been why I was screaming like a banshee yesterday after noon and scaring poor old Jasper.
One thing I do know for sure, my ancestors were often so overwhelmed and overburdened or suffering some from of economic or emotional neglect or desperation so that they had not much of an alternative but to act it out in difficult ways. .The widespread occurence of child abuse and beating as well as abandonment neglect not to mention sexual abuse was covered up my Freud who seems to be a hero of Sam Vaknin who has his own self admitted narcissistic issues. Who knows if Freud himself was not also abused as a child. Today I know that the grief I so often feel is so tied up with many other complex emotions which have long tendrils of connection leading back at least 7 generations.. As Lily Brett explains in chapter 3 of her novel You’ve Got To Have Balls carrying a genetic lineage of suffering is passed onto the descendants, those survivors of Auschwitz and other Nazi death camps often did not get to tell of all they endured but never the less those anxieties are carried and the impacts felt rippling across surviving generations. As Richard notes in the video above it is up to us now to put a stop to some of those dyfunctional outplayings but often before we can do that we have to get so subsumbed in the acting out of the repetition compulsion that anger turns to a grief which becomes the fodder for transformation of loveless ways of acting and relating that lead us to become an negative influence in the lives of the loved ones surrounding us.