It is a sad fact of trauma and most especially attachment trauma that it greatly diminishes our sense of ourselves as good, worthwhile and lovable. That sense of innate love for ourselves as well as unconditional self acceptance is often lost where parts of our self and wholeness become exiled or negated and so it is that we learn to turn away from the truth. In addition, sadly our feelings around it all may become deeply inaccessible, and then as a toxic inner critic steps in to undermine us we undervalue our selves even further as we come to experience no healthy and solid foundation of positive healthy ego boundaries.
Caring for and about ourselves is not established and we become infinitely more vulnerable through that wounded place since our empty holes may become vortexes drawing towards us those with dove tail issues. The missing sense of self love, approval.and acceptance never comes from without though if we seek healing we do need healthy mirrors and a safe space to explore the damage and get effective mirroring and validation of our true essence. We may not be strong enough to do this alone if that wound to self esteem has long roots reaching back into our family past.
I am facing all of this pain at the moment in therapy, seeing how I emptied myself to help others offering care when it wasnt truly up to me to provide that before doing the hard work to establish inwardly a loving adult able to set and hold healthier boundaries around my inner child’s past frustrated or shamed needs.
Instead I have found this via projection with those begging help being a mirror to me of the help I needed as a child and adolescent and never got especially around those super vulnerable adolescents years whe we really need this firm solid foundation of support around us. This was also the case for my parents and grandparents
In my family there were two near death traumas at that time and they scarred me deeply. After a big run in earlier in the week with my therapist Kat I see all of this far more clearly now.
I deeply regret emptying myself our trying to help both Scott and Jackson. I’m finally setting firm boundaries and that feels empowering,often I collapse a ‘No’ limit or boundary as my inner voice talks me round but at the moment its been weakening me so much no doing it and when it adversely affects my therapy that is a huge sign things have to change.
I pulled back from my scattergun protective defences to get to Kat’s rooms in pouring rain today and was able to really cry about it and feel it all through. She agreed my life got totally derailed from 17 with the accident, reaching a critical peak at the age of 21 when Dad made me abort Uni studies and do a mind numbing secretarial diploma. It’s not all bad though, that did give me skills but in Dad not offering me more support and allowing me more leeway to explore my talents and intelligence I did get put to death in some powerful way from.then on in. Later I tried to correct things but kept falling short.
My work now surely has to be to become stronger in being my own advocate and self champion. To ask myself what I NEED, WHAT I LOVE OR HAVE A PASSION FOR AND TO ALLOW MYSELF MORE OF THAT. In many ways I don’t allow myself to truly know what I want or need or to commit to doing the hard work to externalise that in the world. I see others having writing published or taking steps to promote themselves while I just do nothing about even trying to push my life or writing forward.
I also need to allow myself more socialising, I got put to death as a lively extrovert in many ways from around the age of 6. I came to believe I was ‘too much’ partly due to Mum being an older mother whose gaze and concern was turned elsewhere. This week my other sister who struggles with mental health said she so often felt like the Underdig growing up and especially in her marriage with two soms and a shaming parner who often put her down, maybe its why she put me down a lot in the past too.
It’s easier to forgive it now seeing how the family system failed her and after all women born in the 1950s did struggle with limiting patriarchal mindsets that wanted to keep them reigned in and serving masculine projects and egos. Times are changing now, but only slowly, saasy women still get abuse, just look at Meghan Markle and the vitriol she still faces in the media.
Maybe we women have to work far harder to come out from.under traumatising cultural edicts that want to shut us up and down in this life. Often we get conditioned to look for our strength or validation through men, then we attract others wounded too so we can both grow and learn and face buried attachment lesions. This isnt about blame but self responsibility and learning where our limits lie. We do not have to consent but hopefully there is a way to advocate for non defensive grouded self esteem without also losing touch with powerful deeply feminine aspects of us. Men also need to develop a stronger relationship with their rejected or projected inner feminine if they too wish to grow.
Often we seek the healing through the other whi acts in some way as a healing mirror for us, or vice versa. Beung put down and allowing this to diminish us, shows a wound. This is what I have been experiencing lately. Slowly I am making healthier connected relationships while learning to heal the diminished sense of self many years of trauma caused me.