This recent post by the lovely Bereaved Single Parent on loss and his son moved me so much earlier in the week.
What a painful loss to have to say goodbye to both your mother (Grandmother) and wife (mother.) It speaks of what a shock a loss can be coming so suddenly and disorienting too, as my cousin said to me just after my own mother died in December 2017, is so surreal when you become an orphan after losing your Mum (we both lost our mothers after our fathers.) We go through the motions after loss, there can be so much to organize that we are not necessarily fully present for it and then, over years, we have to work through it all, come to terms and try to make sense of it while not totally burying the feelings (hopefully) and not being entirely obliterated by them either.
Hawklad’s responses show he was feeling everything, struggling in the aftermath of this would have been huge and sometimes the parent is going through so much grief they cannot be there for the child, not so much in this case but I know when Dad died, my mother was so overcome and she pushed me away right after it to go travelling, maybe I need to accept that, but it would have been lovely to be held and hugged and been able to cry, I only remember one friend doing that for me in the aftermath of it all on the top step of the church as we exited after following my father’s coffin out.
That grief around my father lay buried for many years. Only in about 1999, 14 years after he died and after I had been sober in AA for 6 years and started to undertake therapy did it begin to burst out but by then I was a long way away from family and my ex husband had his own grief and was not happy about me falling into a depression and perhaps did not understand how to help me work through it and possibly he to was a bit jealous as he needed therapy too. As many of you know 5 years later we broke up and by a weird case of synchronicity all of my struggles with the bank last Thursday fell on the exact day he walked out and boarded a flight to go home in August 2004.. I had the head injury a year later.
Someone came forward on Instagram yesterday to tell me the bank also blocked him sending money to a woman, they painted her as a scammer and she was not, in time, it turns out she was genuine and the bank had to apologize but for this he had to get legal help.. It seems Jackson is genuine and is now trying to find and provide evidence but I am not in trouble with Scott for helping him and has been lambasting me for two days solid, which as been downright painful and hurtful,
Anyway I was so glad to have such a lovely visit from my brother today. He and I spoke for a long time and I was able to give him some old school photos that I got from Mum after her passing, he had an interesting time trying to identify himself in the photos and I got to know more about his hockey days.. He has also gone to a housing industry dinner on Friday night and they had been speaking about someof the architecture of the school. Even though I could not tell him about the bank and Jackson I did cry after he left, Jasper loved to see him too and was jumping up on him to give him some love, which my brother took pretty well as he has a wife who hates dogs and sees them as pathetic.
Lots of tears were shed after he left and Jackson texted apologizing for all he has put me through over the parcel and Visa.. He will try to fix the issue from his end as my bank disparages me and looks upon me as a sad and pathetic case who was scammed.. I might be dramatizing that a bit but I hated the condescention I was treated with on Thursday… I raised my voice as the woman at Fraud was not listenign and them she used her power to shut me down.. but I did not get put off, after a while I called back and eventually managed to get my account unlocked though I am not able to transfer money to anyone, even myself via online banking right now.
What a hell.
I started this post to talk of how children so often hold those painful feelings inside after a death and may need some adult help with coming to terms with all of the complex emotions and responses.. Anxiety may often cover both grief and anger in my experience as we may fear those feelings burting free if people are not kind or empathic with us. That healing and externalization process may be problematic in a world which does not like to acknowledge the difficult and painful passage of grief. I know I suffered so much after Dad died, my descent into addiction worsened and I still look for something to put in my mouth as soon as big feelings come up, sometimes it just seems too difficult to hold myself through them and Kat my therapist affirms neither of my parents got this kind of holding or down regulating either.. So they could not help me much at all.. Having my account locked up by someone in power on Thursday afternoon was a lot like being sent to my room as I used to be as a child when my parents did not know how to cope with my feelings. ]
The following talk by Lee Harris on August energies talks of how such triggers may be coming up for many of us right now, when we experience anger both in relation to a trauma wound and as a boundary and then are forced into deeper feeling hidden inside of the anger, frustration or rage.. Much of what he talks about here resonates big time for me as the Sun moves towards the middle degrees of the self expressive fire sign, Leo. Venus is also in the deeply feeling watery sign of Cancer right now but Cancer has a hard shell to protect its soft centre and often sidesteps and scuttles in the presence of grief.. Although we are lucky at the moment to have Venus moving into a healing trine with the planet Neptune right now, powerfully placed in the last watery sign of collective depth and energies Pisces.