I notice on these latesy icy winter mornings the stress in my body and how it contracts with the cold but then I seek the sun so happy when it’s warm healing benevolence shines down upon me and as I absorb its expanding soul.uplifting energy, my soul touches and feels embraced by the deepest joy.
This must surely be a sign I’m moving out of the long paralysis of my trauma and into my body and the present moment and boy does it feel good knowing I listened to myself and acted upon what I needed to feel better in the moment. I am noticing the surrender to past grief of last week made me freer in some way, sad as it all felt then
For so long the freeze state of my trauma did not enable me to take those helpful, nurturing steps foward and growing up our family life so often did feel like an icy kingdom or emotionanl wilderness devoid of caring where it was hard to find real engagement and warmth particularly after my older sister left us for New Zealand after marrying in 1965 when I was only 3. I really really missed the life she bought to our family and that is also noticable in the many letters my Mum wrote to her saying how tired she was from work and how much she missed her..
My family friend who is related to my Nana told me late last week that when my parents left the cosy house I loved when I was only 7 it was because they felt they had to keep working so hard to support four children.. Yet at that point Mum had been working in business with my older brother for some years and Judy had left, it was only my older sister and I at home. I hated leaving that house as I had good friends next door more my own age and when we moved to the big cold house under construction it was tough time for us all. There was not much comfort and no heating in the depths of winter. So much was going on for Mum and Dad then that I could never know about
Lately too, as I consider the later trajectory of my life, I am also seeing how I began to look to or expect some kind of salvation by others, yes the real me needed to be seen and mirrored and not having that it did a lot of damage and I continued that damage for many years trying ineffectively to seek that affirmation at times from others who could not know my soul inwardly, only judge me outwardly.. My avoidant and insecure attachment patterns also so often made true intimacy deeply difficult for me. It was very very hard for me to know what I really wanted and needed and so often other’s needs became far more important to and known to me than my own.
Writing this today brings to mind a quote from Alice Miller where she speaks of a child’s need for the sunlight of a parent’s loving attention and of how that child will twist herself out of shape to get that approval or attention, but if the parent lacks the ability to read us and know us well or was not in tune with their own spontaneous and playful inner child we may be punished or shut down more, mocked, criticised and devalued and that then becomes an inner gaslighing or self negating pattern. I most certainly did that to myself and lately good friends continue to point out how I often gaslight myself and lack a balanced sense of my positive attributes. As Carl Jung noticed for some of us growing up much of our inner gold or goodness can go into the shadow and we end up becoming scapegoat identified and do not value or learn it is safe to express our true selves at a very great cost.
Just a moment ago as I sat in the sun waiting for my morning coffee I sat near a young girl needing help with something but her mother was completely preoccupied with someone else. The little girl kept looking at her Mum hoping she would notice, the child’s face showed a confusion, struggle and then a grimace. I felt for her deeply. When she sensed me watching, she turned toward me, smiled and gave me a sweet wave hello. Gosh childhood can be a struggle.
l spoke again to my sister yesterday. She is due out of the psychiatric facility on Monday, going back into retirement care. She had support fromm the hospital psychologist to go shopping for clothing something I used to run myself ragged to do for her, in the years both before and even more frantically after our Mum died in 2017. My sis would mostly reject what I bought and some items I took back and forward to the shops 3 or more times to change for another size or colour only to be told things like ” I don’t wear patterns. ” I joked with her about it yesterday, she has no memory left after all the bloody ECT now but she told me yesterday ” I’m wearing a patterned top,” she didn’t remember how I sat in the chair 18 months ago in the hospital after running back and forward crying in frustration after being told she didn’t wear patterns.
It is a testament to longing and love that I kept trying and didnt dismiss her needs and desires as other family did, but also a testament to my growth when I finally pulled back and stopped doing this in September last year after she got in such a terrible state on the brink of being given even more ECT. I shared much of my struggle here with her illness since 2013 when she made that attempt on her life. Growth for me means loving her while recognising the things I did that made no difference and were damaging to my life and energy in the long run.
Our family attachment trauma caused great problems and divides emotionally too, these have deepened over those generations and their long buried roots if grief and struggle remain obscure to most of my family. As the youngest I fell deeply into the emotional void left by 7 centuries of unspoken loss, from 2002 onwards. When sobriety came in December 1993 I began to be gently guided on my healing pathway through deep and tangled roods with many brambles and thorns and my dreams have shown we the way as everything so painfully began to dissolve and break apart for me with the ending if my marriage 11 years later.
Many sober people tend to either bust or drink again at the 10 year mark of sobriety, if they do not start facing the buried feelings. So much of our families past pain and attachment trauma or broken linkages get silenced like it has for my two sisters. One is now dead, and the other only half alive. How lucky am I not to be drug fucked or have had memories or comprehensive trauma narrative confused or obliterated by a medical model that sees no sense in my symptoms. How blessed to be guided to the family systems and multi-generational trauma work of people like Bert Hellinger and Mark Wolynn, how grateful that via mediums like this blog I am able to express pain and make sense of linkages and to find a forum to speak of all of this?
Susan Cain makes the point in her book Bittersweet that middle age has the capacity to deepen us spiritually, that bearing our own deep heart aches and losses helps us understand more and have more empathy, to dig deeper for meaning, to seek answers, and understand our values by NOT TURNING AWAY FROM OUR SUFFERING. As we do this we also may often be led to explore and to think more deeply of what our parents, grand parents and ancestors struggled with too and rightly we should question this all as a part of our long term healing and binding back process.
My living sister who carries so much ancestrally as a Pisces was born on the day my great great grandparents lost the second baby Eiza Jane, the fifth child, our great grandmother Eliza Jane the 10th child was born X years later in 1882. Sadly the first baby Eliza Jane died only one month after the coupe arrived in Lytellton NZ with their four other children in 1875.
Anyway today I was so grateful to feel deep inside my body that loving warmth of the Sun shining into my heart.. It was a lot like a loving embrace from a friend; one who knows and loves you deeply. so deeply that you feel that in their hug. The Sun as it shines reminds me of dignity and benevolence the fiery warmth of the lion and its apt I am feeling this just following the New Moon in Leo a day or so ago. Mercury is ahead of the Sun at around 18 degrees as I re-edit this a day later on the 30th of June. . It has just crossed into my first house.. My own Sun was so put out by all of the Neptunian watery obscure Scorpio influence in my childhood. Its not fun having cold water poured over your spirit.. But there is a time to reclaim your force and power but often, as Susan Cain writes that only occurs by embracing sadness, loss or suffering and the longing they hide deep inside as a strong clue to what we most value and hold a passion for in this life.. For without that sense of passion and fire surely our souls do get so very deeply deeply obscured and lost.