Ancestral fear : reflections following the Cancer Capricorn Full Moon July 2022

I experience a lot of fear in my life. I’ve been listening to a program today on teens and drugs its about how teens start to use when they can’t really find connection with others in relation to their feelings and things going on in their young lives, it dovetailed with what I’ve been reading about mis-attunement in childhood and why children explode.

My drug taking got started after my sister’s aneurysm and my near death at 17. As I look back it is so clear to me how much I was floundering, I am, in many ways still trying to find what my therapist Kat calls my sea legs. I am realising more and more lately that the huge tides affecting me got more over powering at the age of 40 that was the year after the Saturn Pluto opposition hit in 2011 and Mum and I were in Holland on the day of September 11 with my aunty who I had only met once before.. She was my father’s second sister. I well remember the dream I had where the walls were closing in and I could not breathe (Saturn) and of the shot of energy up my spine and then the vision of two couples on a spiral staircase once couple ascending and the other descending. This relates to the forwards and backwards movement from and to our ancestral lands and then the dream of the bloody English fields strewn with dead cows in 1998 before my ex husband and I returned to the UK to live which relates to my ancestors.

I had an ancestor who was imprisoned for 30 years which is a Saturn cycle, Francis of Tregian.. He stood up to the heresies of the Protestants and was made a martyr for not abandoning his Catholic faith..I have just started watching the Netflix series Young Eizabeth which shows how the Protestant/Catholic divide began and it makes very interesting viewing.. I was always called names by the Protestant boys in my home town when young and was going to a Catholic School.

Anyway back to the fear and most especially to Mark Wolynn’s amazing work on ancestral carried trauma.. Fears can begin to awaken for us at the age an ancestor went through something intense never possibly spoken about in the family.. Bonds may have been broken, someone died or someone left or was cast out of the family and that has a repercussion many generations on. It made so much sense to me all of this as to why my older sister crashed and burned and was then exiled from my older brother’s family by his wife and kids due to having a psychotic episode after the haemorraghe which occured in tandem of the age our GG Granddad was going through a lot. My sister’s chart aspects his in very similar ways and my father (who comes from another paternal genetic stream) also picks upon the wounded Venus energy in Thomas’s chart (my GG Granddad).. Tom had Chiron in Libra and Dad had its ruler Venus in Libra opposed by Chiron and both squared by Pluto. The heavy stuff that went down with money (Venus/Taurus) in our family and for my Dad which along with other huge emotional stresses led to his early death at 64 from stomach cancer in the years Pluto passed through those early degrees of Scorpion from 1980 to 1985 was all relating back to ecomonic loss on Thomas’s side of the family.. That side of the family were once wealthy but lost it all and Tom’s father was very poor after his son left Cornwall in 1874 to make a new life with his wife Eliza and their four children (one of whom died a month after they arrived in New Zealand in 1875). Tom also lost his mother at the same age my father lost his father, the age of 12

The Cancer Capricorn full moon hit here in Australia in the early hours of the morning at 3 am.. I woke and my body was streaming with information. Thomas and Eliza gave birth to three baby girls called Eliza Jane Trudgeon, two died before my maternal great grandmother was born in 1882. Thomas developed addiction problems after beginning to work in a Brewry in NZ and he would come home and terrorize the family, eventually Eliza his wife left him and this meant the family struggled with poverty, my great grandmother often told Mum stories of how the Maoris helped then with food.. Killing a sheep to survive at that time in NZ was a hanging offense. My great Grandmother learned to do the Maori tribal call to war dance the Haka, she said it protected her from the fear last night as she was telling me how much fear she and the family absorbed..

My Mum had further abandonments and she was not a calm mother at all, we often got hit and there was a huge OCD element to our upbringing and my living sister has been hospitalized in a psychiatric facility for this as well as the high level anxiety and depression she began to suffer in 2003 at the age of 49 which I believe is the age that Thomas was when he and Eliza left for that 3 month boat trip that must have been so stressful.. See, the fucking psychiatric community has been medicating my sister and shocking her for over 10 years now in their ignorance of the true roots of her suffering.. Mark gives many helpful non medical methods for chaning genetic mythelation and other damage that results epigenetically due to carried trauma.

Carried multi generational anxiety and depression needs to be understood and the reasons for it known, which often lie deeply buried or embedded in a lost family history.. In our family we are pretty much all severed from one another in some way.. As those of you who have followed me for some time know, my older sister died in care after spending over 20 years in a home for those with acquired brain injury.. I also had a brain injury on the run from connecting back to true roots of my broken attachments.. I now see what an error it was to leave my husband behind for 6 months in 2002 but it was an also is, (as the angels often tel me) all part of my path.. After all how could I know then what I was acting out in fear and anxiety (Saturn Pluto connection – inconjunct in my own chart, triggered into exploding they their opposition across the polarity of Gemini and Sagittarius in 2001 all taking place in the home of ancestors and migration (Sagittarius ruling my fourth house cusp.)

It helps me to know that as Mark Wolynn testifies that a lot of the fear and anxiety that I carry is not even mine, it reaches ages back. But sadly it detonated many relationships.. Mark says something very important in the interview that I shared a few days ago.. That it may be easier to be angry than sad about something in the family or past we do not have a full handle on.. I believe this to be true. Even if there are things its legitimate to feel angry about sometimes the anger will not be the best way to get our message across and deep pain in the past does need to be acknowledged by lighting a candle to the ancestors and promising them that all that they endured will not be in vain.

That said we need to feel anger in terms of knowing what may feel of most value to us. but as John Lee shows the anger needs often to collapse into tears so we can know our parents never chose to abuse us consciously, they were only trapped in violent and dysfunctional re-enactments..

For myself I have cried so many tears since that Saturn Pluto opposition began to detonate so much in my own life.. I have lived through the loss of my Dad and older sister and Mum now as so many do. There is nothing special about that.. But for me the missing pieces of the anxiety depression addiction issues in my own maternal family’s ancestral puzzle only fall into place with connecting back to what the lived emotional and traumatic experiences of my fore-bearers were. With the Sun in Cancer that makes sense and with Cancer on my 12th house cusp (what falls into the collective unconcious for us) it makes sense of the breast cancer both my second sister and I suffered on the anniversary not only of losing our father in 1985 but also losing husbands who left in frustration due to our own mental health issues.. That said both of those men had their own. So it is that often women bear what men cannot bear to face and then it is we, NOT THEM, judged as the ‘crazy ones’. That did used to make my blood boil but coming out of the Kali Yuga so deaf dumb and blind to the positive regenerative power of the deep inwards unconscious dive to the rejected dark feminine it makes sense.. But women can only be exiled for so long.. We are reclaiming our voice.. that said its men too who bear the burden of unrecognized ancestral fear and other issues too. But I do pray in time that the work of such an insightful person as Mark Wolynn in time becomes more widely known so less people suffer from hidden histories that need articulation. In modern times we push ourselves far too hard at times due to fear of a lack which is not even real, or so I was shown last night.

I am really looking forward to exploring options to undertake his training so I can also help others to shed, make sense of and understand the at times completely debilitating and crippling burden of carrried ancestral fear.

POST SCRIPT.. some hours after posting this the following video came up on my You Tube feed, what the speaker says of Thich Nhat Hanh’s teaching on the inner 5 year old inner child of our parents and ancestors being present in every cell of our body makes so much sense to me.. I absolutely love this meditation, often this child lives so deep inside of us we have lost touch with him or her and we do not seem to find true peace and happiness until we befriend that part of us and feel the echoes of inner children in our ancestors reaching back across the years.

Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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