Seeing through illusions

Neptune as a planetary energy can make things nebulous and confusing, with it strong in my chart in aspect to both the Sun (sense of identity) and Mercury (mind, thinking, siblings, perception) as well as Venus (relationships) often these are a source of great confusion in my life.

This episode with the new car (Mars) is also revealing a lot to me today. I cleaned my car out yesterday and driving it a moment ago it feels like ‘home’ for me Yes, it may be one of the more basic smaller models of Toyota but it suited me. I am a tall person and admittedly I may need more leg room but really I was happy with this current car until my brother said I needed to up grade it.. I have listened to his point of view, a newer car may be safer and I did nearly die due to being in a small blue car when I had that near death accident in 1979 So this is a very complex and confusing issue around the car I am still working to tease out.

Putting that aside today a lot of the grief of past weeks seems to have washed clean. I am reading two books on early childhood trauma and dysregulation that led to children becoming so called ‘difficult’. They are enlightening. The upshot of both books is this: no child wants to be ‘bad’, they just often do not know how to behave or have the skills to deal with emotions or get what they need. In addition, if you think about how badly parented most of our parents could be, (most especially coming out of an addictive background in which earlier deep past multigenerational attachment wounds are in play) it all makes sense.

I just came across a quote in the book Parenting The Hurting Child which spoke to me of the Polus wound I was exploring last week in relationship to people who get into dangerous situations by crossing borders or boundaries that take them from the safe, more, clearly defined and confined (Saturn) situations and relationships into the more mixed up, incohate, messy, emotional worlds full of unrequited longing (Neptune) and it made sense to me of why we who are left so unprotected and traumatised as kids end up getting involved in substance addictions, to alcohol, food and drugs and other mood altering substances or behaviors. Lacking the inner emotional regulation skills and protections we just tend to become even more vulnerable to toxicity or trauma bonded relationships. We also have no healthy models for what a good and nurturing relationship with self or other is really all about. Most of us only gain this through trauma bonded relationships and through the outplaying of our own traumatized and traumatizing responses.

Thinking back on the issue with my brother I can understand why he does not trust me with money but I am also seeing that as a child he also leaned to avoid and did not feel safe at all with my mother.. She once told him he would never open up much to her about anything that was happening to him as a kid, later in life he did share with me about some of the brutality of the Christian brothers, as a boy born in 1944 he was among that group of boys so often abused.. Some ended up taking their lives and in Australia a Royal Commission was set up to investigate a lot of this a few years ago.

Today I can see that I have to be more tender with my brother.. But at the same time I wish he could try to see me as an adult.. I am not even sure at times if I do deserve to be treated like one.. I often think I have fallen so far short of my own potential particularly as a woman and at an age when I perhaps should have been able to correct some of the earlier wounding I was acting out with drugs and alcohol and so longing for a loving relationship with a man that was so impossible due to how distant and unnurturing my relationship with males had been until that point. I attracted more abuse and disrespect and misunderstanding because I could not, at that point, give them to myself.

Carl Jung believed that we attract to us what is mirrored from our unconscious. This was the basis of the psychological astrology studies i began to explore too, from about 1992 onwards. The archetypal patterns of Sun and Moon and Venus and Mercury and Mars (inner planets) are affected by their angular relationship to both the outers (Uranus, Neptune and Pluto) the bridging planets (Jupiter and Saturn) and the Centaurs (Chiron, Nessus and Pholus) and give clues to the deep ancestral issues also working out in the collective.

I noticed when my second cousin was giving me that advice about how to deal with my brother it all came out of her own astrology. With the North Node conjunct Chiron in Capricorn she has had to learn to survive in a masculine based legal world where her emotions and reactions are so often misunderstood.. She had very similar abandonment trauma to me in that her parents always left her alone and she had no one there to help her regulate her emotions. Her pattern differs in that she did not have the maternal side I did of the active addiction, but her mother was a highly damaged woman who had been endlessly berated, shamed and put down by her own father and so my second cousin came to believe that she too, had no value.. Later in life she nursed her mother through dementia, her mother would always say to her “you don’t love me, no one loves me” and the strange thing is Julie told me on Saturday this,it is most often what she too worries about, that she is not loved (and had struggles expressing love and closeness with her first husband) when really all of her own problems,like mine, just came out of past wounding.

Maybe sadly on some level my own brother never felt loved either in some way.. I know he got a lot more of connection and closeness with my Dad than I ever did and was born to my parents when they were far younger (early 20s) he went through the tough impoverished years with them when they had to work so hard to make money so I do understand now why he acts the way he does. It’s not down to him being nasty or mean at all, its down to being protective and wanting to guard what he and my father had to work so hard to built.. So yes, I did lack empathy even if I was distressed on Friday for good some good reasons.

With my strong Uranus in the first house in Leo I fight wanting to me self expressive and totally independent. While my Neptune in Scorpio in those third house sibling/inner mind depths) at times makes my mind just so inundated by all kinds of emotions around him and when dealing with him that to him I probably do look like a mad thing. A loose cannon as he says.

In the end I do have to give up my illusions and become more reality based in life.. Sure I can draw on celestial wisdom and will continue to do so but I also have to keep remembering that in this human far from perfect world we all have baggage and issues.. LIfe on life’s terms is an AA saying that comes into my mind so often lately, negotiating recent issues and conflicts. I really need to use thinking power and apparently the current trine of Mercury in late Gemini to Saturn now retrograde in another air sign Aquarius is helping that. I have the brother I need to have not the brother I want to have, he is perfect as he is and so Iam I but we also have things to learn about each other. One thing is clarifying though, I have to keep being skillful and emotionally intelligent about finding better ways to communicate with him and react around and in response to him..

Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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