A note to my ancestors : Cancerian reflections 30th June 2022

You had such painful lives, you endured so much and deep in my cells I know the pain of it.. William you lost 6 children by the age of 81 when you died. I believe I lived a lot of that through the 6 terminations I had. Now that the subject of abortion has become such a thorny one in America, I do think it is sad that the so called ‘right to lifers’ take such a shallow view about it.. The angels told angel intuitive Lorna Byrne that a soul that becomes aborted knows it will endure that fate and accepts it, they forgive the mother and even stay close by to give healing.. I cannot tell you how much this helped me because when I finally got sober in December 1993 I was suffering so much guilt over those five aborted babies, and then in May 1994 when I discovered I was pregnant again I decided I lacked the skills to bring that child to term which does sadden me now and I know it hurt my husband deeply. When he left me after 11 years of marriage the fact that I had not borne him a child was, I believe, a big part of that.. I am so glad that he got to have his daugher Lottie and that he has been able to share photos of her with me.. I feel sad I was not able to take on a mothering role and rejected it, but I just did not feel prepared..

At this time of year when my house is so cold and I struggle to keep warm bundling myself up in blankets I also think a lot about that letter Samuel, (your son William,) sent to his son Thomas in New Zealand in the final years of his life.. He spoke of how hard life was, how tough and bleak the winters and also about how sad he was he would not see you again. When Jonathan and I lived overseas the pain of leaving Mum and Judy behind was just too great but in another part of my life I wanted nothing to do with the bound up toxic condition I felt my older sister to be in in the home where they medicated her and often denied her her needs.. I do feel so grateful she had the loving support in those final years from the ladies from the nearby Anglican Church who took her on as a project and person to help. They organized a lovely funeral for her on the 18th of April 2014 and Mum and I kept in touch with them for a year or so after Judy passed.

Mum, I felt you around me so much last night, I have a bottle of the perfume you loved to wear : Allure by Chanel. I sprayed it and as I was falling to sleep I sensed its sweet fragrance rise and fall in waves.. I did a double take then over how it used to annoy me having to do car trips with you and my other sister Sue when you were both wearing strong perfume, it used to make me feel nauseated..Your heavy black Prada sunglasses used to annoy the hell out of me too, they spoke of a spiritual opacity and defendedness that used to annoy me like when you judged that sweet old lady so like a gypsy selling her home grown flowers outside the cafe we took my other sister Sue to on the way home from her first cancer operation in October 2016..

Yet now I just feel love and a deep sadness about this, the things that annoyed me did so for a reason but spending time with your best friend Betty yesterday reminded me of the good things in you and of how much your own defendedness was often just down to having had no loving parents to contain you, nor mirror back your feelings. And when you lost your Dad at the age of 7 how could you grieve? That was just not possible for a child, the Nuns treated you with next to no empathy and made you clean the chapel as punishment for not doing your homework. No wonder you used to get into such a frenzy cleaning things and trying to perfect our ‘flaws’. Nana used you hit you if you did not do the best job cleaning and yet you always said “I forgave her, as I knew it was just frustration.” Still it hurt you so much. I was so sad for you when you told me a few years before you passed on that Nana never once told you she loved you or cuddled you..

Mum I remember well that lovely little book you gave to me before you died, a small book of kindness quotes.. You could be so controlling at times, but ever so generous and kind too.. I love you Mum, you hurt me but only because you had been hurt too ❤

Eliza Jane (my great grandmother), even though I think you died before I was born I still feel you. I hear the New Zealand Maori Haka tribal call to battle chant and dance sound out in my head at times, ‘a tough old bird’ according to my brother you danced it when you used to visit and always waited until you thought the family were out of view to take a sip from the silver flask of whiskey you kept with you at all times. I would have loved to have met you. THANK YOU FOR PASSING ON TO ME YOUR STRONG FIGHTING SPIRIT. You were the daughter of a violent alcoholic Dad who had so much unprocessed grief and frustration and so many children to support.

Big sigh!!! We had the New Cancer Moon yesterday at about 1.37 pm Eastern Standard time in Australia, the Moon will oppose Pluto soon. I have really been feeling so many layers of our family story over the past 24 hours.. I woke in a very different place about 3 am last night. I am keeping the door open on the men in my life asking for help while trying to set boundaries. I also asked Betty more about the stress of that borrowed money/financial scheme Dad got involved in in the early 80s that went belly up and apparently in causing him so much stress along with his daughter’s traumas that he became so ill with cancer. Apparently it was called ‘the bottom of the harbor scheme’ (how Neptunian). I will research that today.

Ancestors I just wanted to say I will light a candle to you all for the next 22 days of the Sun’s transit through Cancer.. I know your love surrounds me.. I firmly know myself to be flesh of your flesh and cells of your cells.. For you gave birth to me and without you as my eternal strong taproot I would not have been able to come into being or even exist.

Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

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