Knowing what I want and need

If having a strong Mars Sun connection means knowing what we need and like then it makes sense why my life upto now has been pretty fucked. I never allowed myself to truly know and allow this and the way towards that deep sense of inner bodily knowing could only at first be shown by what hurt me deeply.

So often as a child I was hurt or blocked or thwarted, to the point now I notice lately I suck in my breath.. It was interesting watching a recent David Letterman interview with American comedian Ellen who shared about her abuse at the hands of her step father and also about her strong Christian Science background which emphasized, silence, compliance and no protest, sadly in that interview she still blames herself for allowing the abuse to happen even though she did run at a critical point before it got worse, sharing this with my therapist she could see how it resonated.

As a child I had no control over much and I naturally escaped and was imaginative and visionary. A therapist would call that dissociation but I am not so sure it is all dysfunctional.. Donald Kalsched has done a lot of work on this.. the archetypal dimension is real and may, in the end save our sanity if the inner figures to not turn demonic and set out, in trying to keep us safe, end up cutting us off from human connection or orchestrating our suicide.. He give the name ‘self care system’ to this complex set up in those of us with carried trauma and attachment wounds.

Children naturally are soulful, imaginative and visionary as well as deeply inquisitive, and our society does not always foster these things of locking us up within strict compliant systems.

These are qualities I love in myself now but most certainly early relationships were so full of sadness, unrequited longing and fraught with physical damage and complexity that on one level I craved them more but with deeper feeling nuances obscured that made it impossible later in life do to anything but compulsively repeat them and then run when it got too ‘hot’. These patterns are showing up lately (on a rapid spin cycle as Lee Harris said they would in his recent June up date) but the running and seeking distance is not always dysfunctional. If we are too open to other stuff it may be life protecting..

Lately it seems the more I show my kind empathic side, the more others latch on and in a world where no one much seems to be helping each other there is a lot of mixed up stuff going on out there. Then I am quickly seen as the person’s savior (stong Sun and Venus connections in my chart to Neptune now being set off by both Uranus and Saturn.)

I can’t believe I connected with another potential male ”friend last week only to be asked for money again. This is happening so much sometimes I scream inwardly but it must make sense in terms of our multi generational history since we knew both wealth and extreme poverty on Mum’s side. Money was plentiful in the end but nurture and containment and emotional connection and empathy extremely thin on the ground.

I know less about Dad’s history but on the neglect/financial struggle side he still had to escape his own homeland on the brink of war in 1938 leaving behind a family struggling and even more so after Naxi occupation happened 3 years after he left. This last guy I connected with is synchronistically also from Europe. Just before I got sober in 1993 Dad came to me in a dream with an empty wallet bemoaning his destitution calling me out of a den of iniquity to a sober life which then happened. In the dream after I left that place I watched it burn to the ground from a safe distance.. I had just married my husband and this, for a long period took me out of addiction and isolation. Today this seems to be a powerful dream metaphor for our family detonating from 1979 onwards and like Robert Downy Jnr (also interviewed by Letterman in that same series) I also had an intense 8 year struggle with addiction as a result of all of my carried trauma

Jung believed that our psyche/soul is powerful, the soul may have something deep to do with the maternal, lunar Venusian influences, the spirit with the Solar and Martial, more bright and masculine in energy ones and these two forces seem to oscillate powerfully within us. James Hill man wrote beautifully about this dichotomy in a quote I will try to find later and embed in this post.

Our soul speaks to us in dreams and our spirit is drawn by magnetic association to the familiar (and familial). I have watched what people I attract under certain planetary transits and things always seem to make sense.. If my current struggle is about becoming stronger in my inner knowing and sensing of what healthy boundaries might be about then these latest events tie into the strong Mars Moon Saturn and Sun Mercury, Venus, Jupiter South Node connections.. My first contact with this last man came with the Moon smack bang on Sun Venus.

How do I deal with the pleading? How do I say no when it seems so unkind? I struggle with this so I stop communicating.. If I ran I had to to stop the overwhelm of someone pouring all of their contents into me like my last partner did. Back when we first connected in 2007 when transiting Saturn was opposite where it is now, my first impulse was to run from him and I ended up falling 3 times at critical points when he asked too much of me while abusing me emotionally..

God knows this strong sense of what I need to do to kindly protect self without cutting others out is not easy… I try each day to listen to my body.. I know it is responding to each and every contact I have and that emotions get triggered in response which so often seem to have the potential to knock me sideways.

2 thoughts on “Knowing what I want and need

  1. Deb! That is it! Listen intently to your own body. It does not lie. I am sorry this man is asking for money when you barely know him. That screams fraud to me! Xx

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