A terrible insecurity

I started this post today before my chiropractic appointment. I am working with a new lady Judy and am finding it so helpful her husband acts as receptionist and is well.travelled we had such an interesting chat before my treatment. This meanders all over the place but I’ll post it anyway. I am working through so much in my relationships right now with Uranus in square to my Sun Mercury Venus Jupiter squares to Neptune, the fog around my distant Dad gives meaning to why I connected to two men so far away struggling to be with me but it all being derailed by financial issues.. I cannot trust a lot of people with this and yet I take the risk to share about it in my blog to be authentic and real.

Lack of nurture, attunement and support in childhood leaves big wounds and empty voids deep inside of us. I can only really begin to own this now. I never got to fully stand upright as who I was being too tall was a part of it and often I had to force myself into clothes not right or have bigger sizes cut down and remade at least for school uniforms. Part of the problem was having Dutch parentage on one side, that part of me only started to make sense when I first visited Holland in 1985 the year after Dad died with my Mum. There people were tall like me, I didn’t feel so set apart by my height but the truth was I also learned to shrink myself in other ways because the feeling I got from my family was that I was a bit ‘too much’ of everything they didn’t really understand or even approve of and my therapist thinks this also has to do with being born to older parents as a mistake, one they did not have a lot of time for.

I love the Dutch part of me now, it makes sense of how I am in other ways too, Holland stayed neutral during the first part of World War 2 and suffered by being invaded in May 1941. Dad had got out in 1938 and got a traineeship with the Dutch East Indies Air Force as a mechanic then. He would not have met Mum if his squadron were not sent to pick up B56 bomber aircraft from Australia in 1940. The planes were not ready and so they ended up spending a lot of time in my home town and Dad met Mum at a dance, he proposed about 3 months later.

Funny how fate works out and driving to my chiropractic appointment a moment ago half way through writing this as I saw the blue hills circling our town dusted with gun metal grey and white rain clouds I thought of how a fortune teller in Indonesia told Dad that he would travel to a place ringed by hills, met and marry a dark lady and have four kids and that all came to pass. Dad was often eerily predictive in his life and a great fatalist.

I seem to have digressed though, just been sitting with my coffee outside reading a portion of Sarah Woodhouse’s book on trauma, You Are Not Broken in which she discusses why relationships are so challenging and painful for so many of us due to the following deeply embedded relationship and attachment issues so prevalent in those of us with trauma. Tying this back to the heading of insecurity it is not possible to feel secure with others if we never felt safe TO TRULY BE OUR FULL SELVES, and we get wounded when we are :.

Not being encouraged to talk about our real feelings and needs nor having them recognized, attuned to, seen or validated,

Not being fully accepted for all the parts of us, even difficult ones.

Not having our feelings, beliefs and questions about life met with care, empathy, attunement and interest.

According to Sarah all of these deficits lead us to difficulties being real and open as well as communicating well in relationships. She shared this after giving a very lovely example of a dear friend of hers opening up about all of her insecurities and issues with a new partner who himself finds the courage to be open and honest with her at the same time. Sarah’s friend’s partner is attracted to her because of the work she has been doing on herself but his own wounds are being triggered and so the two of them GET REAL.

This never happened for me in any relationship in the past.. I did not have a close, loving affectionate Dad or Mum and so I seemed to attract those who were also shut down.. Now that seems to be changing a bit but I am usually the one being asked to do a lot of the work and this is raising for me a deep wound, a wound over really having needed Dad to see me in a way that he could not and so because he could not I had to try extra hard to be loved and in so doing give myself away but not now.. Lately my inner child has just been crying out for me to love her and start setting better boundaries, only my fear is (and I do not know if this is also down to being a super responsible metal ox and also a seven planet Aquarian) if I do not try extra hard I wont get anything given to me at all.

I have been crying a bit lately but its been a different kind of crying.. This crying has been about the grief I felt in my family at longing for my Dad’s love and not getting it in the way I needed and yet also coming to a kind of forgiveness around this too, from knowing what my father also lived through in terms of loss..

Luckily now I have two lovely soft men in my life Scott and Jackson who seem to be trying their best even as they had to ask me for help with things in a way society will not allow.. Its painful and hard but I cannot give up on either of them.. This retrograde Mercury transit also only has about 8 days left to go so lessons should start to be hitting home as it starts to slow down before moving forward at 26 of Taurus on the 5th of June.. We have a new moon in Gemini before that and are heading into the final closing out of the last New and Full Moon eclipse cycles in Taurus and Scorpio.. Old patterns have reared up so we can get a good hard look at them and see what really needs to change.. hopefully those changes will be easier to make after Mercury gets back to the degree at which it turned retrograde in a few weeks time. That will be in square to my generations Chiron in Pisces which has to do with wounds of separation and abandonment. Wounds that run so very deep for so many of us survivors of trauma, neglect and attachment wounding.

Sadly my Dad never communicated with me at all really. Due to his own past he was a stoic and distant father. I also think he kept so much locked up inside, none of my siblings know anything of his past or childhood and it has taken me some exploration to be able to piece things together with the help of a Dutch relative, including the fact he lost his father at the age of 12. Having to leave his homeland behind was a big thing.. He was so adamant he didnt want to go back.. He wanted a better life in Australia, but sadly trauma began to derail our family from 1979 onwards and by 1985 Dad was gone. And there have been complex mental health issues in his three daughters. For my brother he stays as distant as he can emotionally like a lot of men.. I try my best now to enter his world as I know he does not get me or mine.. To him I am the loose cannon the baby sister with no ambition who seems to have to purpose in her life. That is something that is not my fault.. its just the way he is wired.. and since he never lost a father at 22 I do not think he could understand.. Dad and he worked so closely together, but still did he really ever know my father at all? I do not think so, because sadly, so often while parents are alive so many never think to ask, what happened to you? That, to me, is a question I find supremely interesting.

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