I lay down on the earth out the front of my house earlier and gazed upon the tapestry of branches above me, some almost totally denuded of leaves.. We are at the tail end of autumn here in the Southern Hemisphere and I can also feel a kind of newness as the 1st of June approaches, although I believe the seasons actually tend to anchor in around the equinoxes and solstices around the 21s of the respective months, April, June, September and December.
I had a major spin out before.. Still trying to help a friend who is in a desperate situation and made me their rescue plan, part of me was crying and thinking I held on so long when it was costing me so much and then I thought of the warmth of my older sister’s body how she held me as a baby when Mum as an older mother was not there and then of how abruptly she departed when I was only 3 marrying a dark man and going to New Zealand.. At the time I did not know of our ancestral connection there.. My sister’s husband Ron was in a forestry career and gone for long periods, I know from the many letters my older sister sent back that came into my hands after she died in the care home that she was often alone out there and exchanging weekly and even daily letters with both he and my Mum, as in the mid 60s there was no email or internet.
I got myself out after this experience of hitting the ground to a wild area close to a residential space that Jasper loves, there were tens of red and gold large mushrooms scattered around on the ground.. they looked so magical, almost like a home for gnomes.. Immediately I already felt better for going out.
Another person has come into my life too who seems to be offering me a connection but there seems to be a face off by the two people I care about and this relates to the planet Mercury being in the sign of the twins (Gemini) very close to my Chiron in Pisces at the time we connected though as I write Mercury has backtracked to about 28 degrees of Taurus in square to my natal Uranus in the first house. It goes direct on the 5th of June so there is a lot being stirred up at present in terms of old karmic themes.
On the issue of my first house Uranus in Leo, I never felt much like i belonged anywhere, most especially after Dad died, all I experienced growing up was my family fracturing and then the turmoils and traumas hit as Pluto in Scorpio swept through and I then my sister had bad accidents and trauma.. all of these dark experiences with separation and isolation have made it hard to trust, to have faith or belief in anyone.. I seemed to not know how to truly join my energy with another person in a good way and am often resisting just to preserve my own emotions. (The planet Uranus spins backwards to any of the other planets and I experienced this most powerfully about 2 am the other morning, my entire body was spiralling in a very strange pattern. )
With Mars in Fire now and the Sun there too with Jupiter though there is an uplift energy as soon as I get outside into nature. Jasper loves it too. In nature I experience my energy as free. I talk to the birds and notice everything.. The sky and trees and grass seem so alive.. I know that there are presences around me too, that even in those dark days of my addiction when my grief over the loss of my father and his callous treatment of me in the wake of my accident and Judith’s aneurysm, held sway I was kept safe on many of the nights I was in some kind of alcoholic black out.. and things descended into the loneliest place in Sydney upon my return from overseas until God sent me my ex husband and I finally found sobriety 1993. What a journey since then.
Anyway despite my spin out earlier I know now how to ground out of these things where i get swept up in someone else’s issues so powerfully and obviously this is all about my unconscious working patterns out in relationships (7th house) and men (transiting Uranus in Taurus squaring my Sun Neptune square).
I do not know exactly what will work out only that something will and that my energy is a lot more available than it has been to actually get up living and moving than at any time after the second head injury. Difficult and good times oscillate in life like a pendulum, sometimes the swing down to the bottom feels so desolute and deep and desperate you feel you will never rise or see the light again and yet that has not been my experience.. And even if I held onto Scott for too long who knows if I was not meant to rescue him.. I think in these times we are so set on taking care of ourselves at times that we can forget our fellow humans may be enduring something just as bad. I also notice my tendency to judge which can come from a narrower view not so open to the mystery.. So it is I draw close to the angels in prayer and thank them always for keeping me safe, no matter how unsafe I have so often felt myself to be as I continue to find ways to surrender myself to the working out of deep patterns that seem to do with multi-generational trauma unravelling.